Best of M2L - War & Peace

More to Life is a co production of Ave Maria Radio and EWTN radio and carried across the EWTN Global Catholic Radio Network. I'm doctor Gregpop check. And I'm Lisa Popch. And you're listening to the best of Mortalog. Today on More to Life. And peace is conflict wearing you down? Tired of feuding with someone you care about? Let us help you discover the path to a more peaceful relationship? eight seven seven five seven three seven eight two. The happiest crossing. Let's talk about the kind of

Good morning everyone. You are listening to More to Life on the and Global Catholic Radio Network. I'm Dr. Greg Popchak. I'm Lisa Popsha. And today on More to Life, War and Peace. We'll be reading the novel. No, it's we we won't. No.

But we are talking about conflict and how it tends to wear us down. If you are tired of feuding with someone you care about or you're just Looking for some tips for dealing more effectively with conflict in general, we're gonna help you discover the path to a more peaceful life. and more pleasant relationships. Sound good? Give us a call. eight seven seven seven seven seven seven seven five seven three seven eight two five. Again that's eight seven seven five seven three Seven eight two five.

You know, I think every single one of us wants more peace. And to talk about, you know, feuding That doesn't have to mean that you're yelling and screaming with someone. Unfortunately though, we all have those relationships in our lives that occasionally turn to that where where we get together and it's either about particular things

or you guys have had such, you know, damaging situations in your your relationship up to now that you do end up really feuding with each other. Temperatures emotional temperatures go up, things are said, voices are raised. But when we're talking about this kind of conflict, it can just be those people It's like a stream under the ground. You know, the the tension between you is just always running and any time you think of having to deal with them your shoulders kind of go up around your ears.

You get tense, you think, Oh, you know, it's gonna be the same way again and again. So whether you're dealing with big conflict, Constant, smaller, quieter conflicts are just those things that pop up during the day between you and your kids or you and your spouse or you and your coworkers. Gosh, none of us really enjoy conflict. We really want to live in the peace of God and just have

A lovely life and relationships. If that sounds good and you want more of that and less of the conflict, we are here for you today. on more to life. Give us a call at eight seven seven five seven three seven eight two five. That's eight seven seven five seven three seventy eight twenty five. Of course, if you're listening later on to the More to Life podcast, you can still get your questions in.

via email that address questions at more to life radio dot com. That's with the number two questions at more to life radio dot com. But if you're listening live, we love hearing from you, being able to ask you those follow up questions. So give us a holler at eight seven seven 573-7825 and tell us. Are you tired of conflict complicating your life and relationships? Are disagreements coming between you and someone specific that you care about? For instance.

Maybe you and your spouse keep butting heads over the same issue. You know, even the best marriages are find that they argue about the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. Um but sometimes, you know, with a with some new tools you can break through those barriers. Maybe you and your either young or adult kids

are arguing over expectations or your beliefs. Maybe differences are dividing you and a family member or a friend. You know whether you're tired of dealing with conflict between you and a particular person Or you'd just like some tips for dealing more effectively with conflict in general? We want to help you find grace filled ways to diffuse the tension and increase your peace. Again the number eight seven seven five seven three.

Seventy eight twenty five. Every day on More to Life we take a look at the topic of the day. through the lens of Saint John Paul's theology of the body. And if you're wondering what that is and how it could possibly help you deal with conflict, well you've come to the right place. Because Saint John Paul gave a series of reflections when he was Pope um over the course of about five years.

that looked at how we can discover God's plan for living a more abundant life and having healthier, holier relationships by prayerfully contemplating God's design in creation, especially his design of our bodies. The theology of the body reminds us that we are called to live in communion. Ironically, because we live in a fallen world, building that communion requires us to learn to deal gracefully with conflict.

Our natural human tendency is to either try to avoid conflict as much as possible, even when we shouldn't, or to get caught up in it and fan the flames. But neither of those choices are options for the Christian. In fact, they're both sinful. Avoiding problems could do something about I'm sorry. Avoiding problems we could do something about. is actually the sin of sloth, while escalating conflict needlessly is the sin of wrath.

Fortunately, when it comes to dealing with conflict, we Christians have a third option to be the peacemakers God called us to be. So being a peacemaker though is to work to restore the right order that God desires in a situation. So when conflicts come up, being a peacemaker doesn't mean just keeping a lid on things any more than it means unnecessarily turning up the heat.

It means starting disagreements by seeking God's wisdom and grace and entering into conflicts with the intention of working for the good of everybody involved, including ourselves, and doing what we can To both encourage everyone involved in the conflict through the tension and toward godly solutions. You know, a peacemaker neither runs from conflict nor fans the flames of conflict. Instead, the peacemaker is somebody who knows lots of different ways to actively engage and extinguish the fire.

So that new life can spring up from the ashes. And that sounds really good in theory, but when that particular person that irritates you is standing in front of you saying those things that get under your skin and doing those things that cause your emotional temperature to rise, well

That's another story altogether, right? So give us a call on our show today titled War and Peace as we talk about those conflicts that wear us down and whether you're tired of feuding with someone in particular that you care about. or just are looking for more grace filled ways to manage conflict in general, we are here for you. 877 573 7825.

I think it's important to realize that we do all fall into these tendencies, even these sins about how we handle conflict because we are human and living in a fallen world. But it's about more. than just trying to be peaceful, just trying to be sweet to everyone. It really is about getting new skills and figuring out how we can deal with things in a more effective way, in a way that invites God into the situation.

that betters our relationships and betters our lives. And if that sounds like something you want to know more about, you need in your life, well let's talk about it today. Give us a call on More to Life at 877 573 7825.

Let's take our concerns to the Lord and start taking your calls. In the name of the Father. Father, Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen. Lord Jesus Christ, we come into your presence and we bring to you those people and situations that cause us to be in conflict. You know, none of us enjoys conflict. None of us enjoys being in an argument or disagreement with someone we care about. None of us enjoy having conversations that escalate quickly.

But Lord, that's part of living in this broken, fallen world, and we ask you in those times of conflict to avoid those temptations to either Commit the sin of sloth and avoid dealing with problems we could do something about, or commit the sin of wrath by unnecessarily fanning the flames of conflict. Instead, Lord, we ask you for the grace, the wisdom and And the help that we need to be peacemakers.

People who are working to do your will in every situation, working for the good of everyone involved in the conflict, and working to find grace filled solutions to those conflicts. So that we can build communic communion through communication. We ask all of this through the intercession of the Blessed Virgin Mary and in the name of the Father. Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, amen. Pope Saint John Paul the Great Pray for us.

Today on More to Life, our show is titled War and Peace. No, we're not reading the novel. Uh despite my I tried to do that at the beginning but people. They won't give us that much time. No no copyright thing.

But no, what we're talking about is conflict and whether you are feuding with someone in particular in your life and that's stressing ya out, or you're just looking for some tips for dealing more gre effectively and gracefully with conflict in general We want to help you discover the path to a more peaceful relationship with and a healthier, calmer life. eight seven seven five seven three. Seven eight two five. Again that's eight seven seven five seven seven seven seven seven three.

seventy eight twenty five. You can also shoot us an email if you're listening to the podcast later on that addresses questions at more to life radio dot com

Well let's start with an email from questions at more to life radio dot com that came in today from Noreen. who is listening in Pennsylvania. She said, I've been married for twenty years and I find that I have grown very resentful I've been a stay at home mother of two boys who are now in middle school and high school. And I find that everything is left up to me. We do clean up the dinner dishes together, but all the laundry, the picking up, the cleaning is left to me.

I have asked a million times that the boys and my husband would at least put away their laundry that I fold, but it never happens. I've gotten to the point where I find myself yelling or grumbling. I feel disrespected, taken advantage of, and my husband won't follow through when I complain to him. He says we sh we should all help mom to the boys, and then no one does. I am done. I feel unloved.

disrespectful and I feel angry all the time. The conflict is driving me crazy. I have a need, I state it, and nobody comes alongside of me. Is there anything I can do to fix both the relationships and my need to have these things done? And that is Noreen in Pennsylvania.

Right, Noreen, thank you so much for the question and uh you know I'm I certainly can hear your uh frustration uh and and and you know what you're dealing with is uh unfortunately a relatively common problem. Um but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Ciao.

I want to address the specific thing that you're raising here. I I I also want to c kinda w uh wanna t kinda look at the bigger concern here. I I I w I wonder is this specifically just around chores or do you feel this way around kind of all of your needs that you know, when you try to communicate your needs to your husband about anything emotionally, spiritually or otherwise, does he also kind of shine you on there? If so, this might be a larger issue requiring some some marriage counseling.

And I I wan just want to keep that in the back of your ask you to keep that in the back of your mind. I'm gonna respond to the specific complaint though, assuming that you know, this isn't a bigger issue. Um but if it goes beyond this then please do seek some professional help for this. The um specific concern, you know, a lot of times We

think that if we just complain about something, um, then it's that that will fix it. If I just say I'm frustrated about thus and such then then, you know, our spouse, you know, is a grown competent person Our children look like they're capable people. We just figure they're gonna go do the thing, right? Um unfortunately uh we have to be taught how to do those things and a lot of times um boys aren't. Yeah, we uh we kinda do a terrible job of of teaching Boys.

how to be active participants in family life and in the household stuff. And I have to say, at this time in history, there are a lot of us girls who haven't been taught this either. I mean, you know, social media abounds with videos to watch if you are a grown woman. who has no idea how to manage her household because our mothers really weren't around to teach us the skills or thought we would just absorb them. So so much more, as you're saying, Greg, the the boys and men in our lives.

Yeah, so and and and you know that applies to your husband as well, because you know again he I I'm guessing that he was not raised in a household where he was expected to do this stuff, so he doesn't have it kind of built into him to do it. Again, none of this is an excuse. Uh this is just kind of framing the problem so that you can actually address it.

Because i if that's the case, then just complaining that these things aren't getting done or complaining that you guys aren't doing it, um, isn't gonna work. Uh what you really need to have happen is is two things. First of all, creating uh routines in the household where Y where everybody knows, you know, on Wednesday evening we fold and put away laundry together. Uh you know, on Tuesday we do these you know, it it's it's there's a there's a flow, uh routines in a household.

com it c create a flow that carries everybody along with it. You know, we just all do these things together at this time and on these days and in these ways. And we and we do it together and it happens every week and it happens all the time. And so I don't have to tell you, you just know that's part of who we are as a family.

Now you can't just spring this on them. You know, they're in the middle of all the things on their schedule, including their homework and the emails that your husband's handling after work or whatever those things are and you say, It's Wednesday night, we're all going to fold a week's worth of laundry. You really do need to sit down, come up with a schedule and a plan together of how you're going to get these systems put into place.

The word together is key. It's it's really singing that with your husband and and your boys and saying Okay guys, get your calendar out. You know, we're gonna we're gonna pick a day where we do this. We're gonna pick a day where we do this. And we're gonna and you put it down there. Now it's now they're not gonna remember to do it. All right? So it is at first gonna be up to you to remind everybody and say, okay, and and not just in the moment.

w it's gonna be the night before and or the morning of saying let's go over our schedule today and see see when we're what we've got going on. Okay, today we are doing the laundry at this evening at you know that's and such a time and we're doing that all together.

And then when the time happens, okay guys, come on, let's get together and do the chore together. And so you all fold it together and everybody carries it to their rooms and puts it away and you're seeing it happening and it's and and it's getting done. The the the beauty of being able to do this is that um you're you're you're using that chore to actually create connection.

Because the d the the point of the of doing this isn't just to do the chore, it's to actually connect together as a family around the stuff that your family has to do anyway. Um and when you do it all together like that, um you're making sure that your s your expectations are being met. that everybody's working together and it's getting done. And that's how you create a routine. Now so once you've done that three or four weeks in a row.

Then everybody's gonna know this is how we do these things, this is how it gets done, this is what mom's really asking for. And you're gonna feel A lot more supported. You're gonna feel a little resentful at first of why do I have to be the one to make all this? That's just the reality of your situation right now. You can have to push past. And and right now, for all these twenty years of of your marriage, you have been

acting in the place of an employee in some ways. You know, you'll get the dinner done, you'll get the laundry done, you'll get the chores done. You ask for people to come alongside of you, but you're set you've set yourself up as this doer of primary things.

I'd like you to switch that mindset into being you're the educator, you're the coach You're the manager of your home. So you're now saying, Okay, I I'm not this person who's just meant to do everybody's stuff. I'm this person who's meant to Schedule the family meetings where we're going to discuss this. Talk about what the systems are going to be

And to manage instead of doing. Um and and the more you're able to do that, then the more you kind of step out of that role of everything being up to you. Listen, um Naureen, I'd really encourage you Um to not just run with the suggestions we're making here, but to join the Catholic home community. That's HOM. It stands for Households on Mission. Download the Catholic HOM app today. It's available for Android and iOS.

uh the first month's free but I'd really love for you to be part of this community because this is exactly what we do every day. Uh in addition to providing great resources and fun activities for families My h our whole team of pastoral counselors is on the Catholic HOM app, of answering answering questions from subscribers, hosting weekly discussions about these kinds of topics.

And helping families just like you create more faithful, loving, caring, connected Catholic households on mission. That's what HOM stands for. So download the Catholic HOM app today uh and begin building that stronger more loving, cooperative, collaborative team that you're longing for.

Thanks so much for the call, Naureen. I hope that you'll be able to run with the suggestions we've made on the call and I really hope that you'll join the Catholic HOM community uh so that we can keep supporting you in building that great Catholic household on mission. Alright, we got to go to break, but when we come back we're continuing to take your calls about conflict on our show titled War and Peace.

If conflict in general is wearing you down, or you're tired of feuding specifically with someone you care about, we want to help you discover the path to more peaceful relationships. And a more peaceful life. eight seven seven five seven three seven eight two five. Again that's eight seven seven five seven three seventy eight twenty five. More to life will continue with your calls coming up right after the break. You like pizza? Me too. And for that, we can thank our friend Tom Monaghan.

First he starts with$900 and opens one pizza shop. Then it's worldwide, thousands of shops. But all this was just a warm-up for his greatest achievement yet. He built a university. God inspired Tom to build up generations of men and women who have a hunger to reach the world for Christ. This place is Ave Maria University. Visit Ave Maria dot E.

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Load Ave Maria Mutual Funds. The experienced professional portfolio managers make decisions based on investment fundamentals and pro-life values. You can learn more about Ave Maria Mutual Funds today at 866-282-800-200 Ave Maria or visit Ave MariaFunds.com. I'm doctor Greg Popch. And I'm Lisa Popchek. And you're listening to the best of more to life. Thank you for joining us today on More to Life on the EWTN Global Catholic Radio Network. I'm Lisa Popt.

I'm Dr. Greg Popchak, and today's show is titled War and Peace, as we talk about the ways conflict complicates our lives and relationships. And more importantly, grace filled ways to resolve those complications. 877 573 7825. Again that's eight seven seven five seven three seven eight two five.

We're talking now with Joanna who's listening to EWTN Radio in Vermont on the Ave Maria Radio app. Hey, Joanna, welcome to More to Life. What's your question for us? Hi Hi there. Thanks for having me. Um, this is a great topic today for me, um, because I've just been really thinking about uh what you said about how when we there's something that we can do something about

that we're not doing something about, it's a sin of fluff. And my frustration is that in the situation with my adult daughter, um with my young adult daughter, it's just it feels so not peaceful and so not conflicted. And I have tried some things, some of which have backfired um drastically. For and um and just to give you context, uh she's in her early thirties and um has a very kind of I just consider it like a very woke worldview and I embrace a Catholic world view.

So it's hard to talk about things of consequence with um It's hard to talk about things because it it's often uh it's just like an instant shutdown. Even if we're just trying to share each other's feelings. Um, I do have three other young adult kids and we're all a pretty tight family. We go on a lot of trips together and have a lot of fun, but they do live distant. They live across the country near each other. Um

out West. So so it is hard because I don't get a whole lot of personal time with her. And I guess if I had to say one thing that could help me today move forward with this would be Um, she came home for surprise last Mother's Day and we were going for a walk and Um and I asked her

Would you you know, could we make times together?'Cause she's super busy, I'm super busy, and I'm like, hey, like you call me a lot, but often you miss me. Either my phone is off or whatever. Could we make a time just like for a coffee date or whatever? And she's like No, absolutely not. Like I'll call you when I call you. Um I just don't know what to do with that and then

Real resentment that you're getting from her. It's not just you try to have conversations, you have dis different opinions and it blows up. She's she's stonewalling you in a lot of ways. Super we have to keep things super shallow and it goes fine. Like she calls me several times a week, most of which like I don't catch'cause I'm either on a business call or I'm on the phone with another friend or kid or whatever. Like So I'm getting real resistance and resentment from her. Yes so um you um

'Cause initially I thought you what what you were describing was, you know, that you guys just have a lot of different views politically and and you know, worldwise and all that. But what you're pointing to here is th that she even will like fight with you if you try to work on the relationship. If you're saying, Hey, you know, pick a time

you get pushback even about those kinds of things. W wh what's the do you kn do you understand what the d what her fr what her resistance is about there, or is that have you asked her wh why that's so offensive to her? Um, I'm not sure, but when she went home after that phone call'cause I was just like Wait, like

I make time for my friends and I'm like, I'm just asking you to make time'cause I wanna make time for you And she we just ended up in a stalemate from that call from that walk. It was awful. And really think that that she held on to that, but boy, I saw her six months later in person and we had a long uh we had a long talk about it. But I Make progress on that. I just feel really stuck. All right, so let me I'm gonna ask you to hold on over the break'cause they're playing us out right now.

We'll come back in about a minute and uh just kind of sum up what you said and then offer some thoughts when we come back. Thanks for hanging on, Joanna. And folks, if you're listening and you've got conflict in your relationships, give us a holler at 877-573-7825. We'll be back in a minute. Blood. Appearances of red. In his letter to the one ten AD Ignatius writes I have no taste for corruptible food nor for the pleasures of the world. five. I desire the bread of God which Jesus Christ.

Ignatius. Yeah. I turn recreational drug user to a drug addict. I lost a family, almost two family. I lost friends. Now that I'm back in the camp. I love it. I love it. My heart's there. Yeah. Yeah. God restored my life. From the Catholic Church for any reason, visit Catholicscomehome dot org. Today. He was a doctor of the church, a Carmelite, and one of the most famous mystics of all time. Matthew Bunsen. Members of the Church. Saint John of the Cross wanted to help all Christians.

For there is no love. Football. He died. For more about the Doctors of the Church, I'm doctor Greg Popchak. I'm Lisa Popcheck. And you're listening to the best of Mortalite. I am Lisa Potter. Our children don't belong to us. They belong to the children. God gives his earthly children earthly parents because he wants them to be able to feel his love through your body and see his face in your eyes. Christian moms and dads are meant to be the face of God to our

kids. That's a beautiful thought. Mm, but it can be a little intimidating. Don't worry. God wants to parent with you and he gives us his grace to raise his kids well. This mindset requires us to be open to parenting differently than how we were raised or what comes naturally to us. No matter how good your parents were, they weren't as perfect as our Heavenly Father is, and no matter how good you are. No matter how well we turned out, we aren't saints. Yet, every day.

Ask God to help you be the parent He wants you to be. Ask Him to give you the grace to love generously, correct gently, and let your kids know that you delight in the gift they are to you. Pray that God will help you. be the parent he's calling you to be and enable you to bring out the best in your kids. To learn more, check out our book Parenting Your Kids with Grace or visit CatholicHom.com. I'm Dr. Greg Popchak. I'm Lisa Pop. And today's show is titled War and Peace.

We talk about conflict and all the ways it complicates our lives and relationships, and more importantly, how to find grace filled solutions for those complications. Give us a call if you're tired of dealing with conflict with a particular person in your life. Or if you're just looking for better ways to deal with conflict in general. 877-573-7825 again that's eight seven seven.

five seven three seventy eight twenty five. Before the break we were talking with Joanna in Vermont. Joanna you still with us? Yes, I'm here. Thank you. Great. Thanks for hanging on. So just to summarize, you were sharing that you have a thirty one year old daughter and that you know, y y the relationship tends to be fairly superficial. She calls several times a week. Um

But you guys have very different worldviews. You have a very kind of devout Catholic worldview. She doesn't. Um but it goes beyond that where even if you just ask her to do things like, Hey, can we schedule a regular call instead of just you calling me at random times

She even pushes back about those kinds of things. She's very touchy and sort of hostile about almost everything and and you're we're just trying to figure out how could you build a relationship with somebody like that. Is is that a fair summary? Yeah. Anything else you wanted to add before I offer some thoughts? No, I think that that's really just a I'm just looking for a nugget of wisdom to to move forward and do to ju try to do something different'cause

Um,'cause the same old thing isn't working with her. And I know she wants to feel loved. I know she she values me and talks well of me to all her p I just don't know why she's resistant to like making time for each other.

Yeah, no, I mean i it is it is odd, um, you know,'cause like again, when you first started describing it it it sounded like, you know, a fairly common situation where you know, our adult kids don't think like we do and we're just butting heads about that. But it does seem to go beyond that that that there's some deeper resentment in the relationship and and I know that you're not sure why that is.

So uh what I would su well and your attempts to address that have just provoked more hostility. So what I'm gonna suggest to you is taking kind of a longer view and a and a stepwise approach. Um I'm gonna suggest that you start by making sure she's calling you several times a week, so that's actually a good sign. And despite the hostility and the touchiness, um, you know, there's a connection there and th she she wants that connection and that that's a good thing and we can build on that. Um

I I'm gonna suggest st starting w simply with just kind of daily texting her, you know, just hey, I was thinking about you, this is going on, how's your day? You know, keeping it chatty, keeping it superficial, keeping it light.

Especially if she did mention anything in those phone calls that's going on in her life. You know, actually while she you're talking to her, take notes. You know, she's having this meeting on this day. She's getting together and doing something with a friend on that day. So you can make those texts. Light but also about your interest in her and how she's doing.

You know, the research on uh relationships tends to show that the best relationships um and most conflict um conflict resistant relationships are the ones that maintain about a twenty to one ratio of positive to negative interactions.

So increasing the texting helps you be able to beef up that positive to negative ratio, you know, where you're keeping it light, you're keeping it friendly, you're keeping it focused on just, you know, hey, how's it going? And I'm here to support you. Then when she calls You know, oh you just respond by text, Hey, I'm sorry I missed your call. I'd be available at this time if you'd like to try to connect. Because because i she's resistant to the idea of you setting up a weekly time.

for some reason. We and y you said you don't know why and and so and and when you ask why she just gets a little touchy about it. So so make it when she calls you, text her back, say, Hey, I'm really sorry that I missed your call. I could be available at this time if you'd like to call me back then.

And so you're you're handling it in the moment. And then over time, you know, when that when sh ideally that consistently works out where she maybe does call you at that time, then you're saying, Hey, you know, this seems to be working out for us to schedule a time to talk why don't we try that again, right? So you're able to kinda tiptoe into that kind of a thing. But you're keeping up the the the the superficial friendly um chatty texting relationship and kind of building on it from there.

Now I think that, you know, uh some of our listeners might be saying, Yes, but what about all of these important issues? And what about the state of this child's soul? I mean, she's thirty one but she's still her child, right? We cannot Jesus did not evangelize people before he had deep relationship with people. So putting this relationship and healing it as the number one priority in this situation is the only way to ever be able to help someone, anyone, especially our own family members.

begin to see things through a different lens if that's what's bothering anybody who's listening. In terms of the relationship tension, I mean and I and Joanne, I you're I'm gonna ask you to take this to prayer because I'm not necessarily picking this up from you, but um you know, just trying to read between the lines when I see this dynamic occurring between parents and adult kids.

um where, you know, even our attempts to kind of improve the relationship with them either fall on deaf ears or get a negative reaction. Very often that for that that that suggests that the adult child feels like we're making it all about us for some reason and they resent having one more thing to do. Again, I'm not really picking that up from you, but that's you know, that's where I usually see this kind of dynamic.

So you make sure that any invitations that you give to her to, you know, schedule a time to call or to, you know, get together or whatever are in response to her reaching out to you first. Like so I said, like if she calls you and you miss the call, you and you know, you text her back and say, Hey, I would be available with us in such a time if you'd like to chat then. Then you leave it up to her. Don't follow it up.

Right, because i because if you follow up again and you say, Hey, you didn't call it us on such time, what's the matter? then in her mind you're making it about you. When you're not but that's where sh that's where her head is, right? Uh even with, you know, kind of being proactive about, hey, let's schedule a time to do something. That's a very friendly and helpful thing. In her mind she's saying she's saying, Oh, I'm so busy and here's mom demanding my time

Again, not fair, but that's the feedback that you're getting. So, you know, you want to make any kind of overture a response to her attempt to reach out to you and then you leave it up to her. Right? Because that's what makes it a positive interaction. Even if she doesn't follow through, you've at least left it open that hey, I want to be here for whatever you want. Right? Uh and then over time as it becomes clearer to her

that you're adopting that more supportive posture? Hopefully she opens up more. We do talk about this more in our book, uh, having meaningful, sometimes difficult conversations with our adult sons and daughters. It's not a book just about having those conversations. It's really about how do you build a relationship with an adult kid who who, you know, is living their own life and kind of doing things that

maybe we don't agree with. How do we have the how do we build that relationship and have those conversations so that we can mentor our kids even if there's a little bit of antagonism. So that book will kind of take you further. These suggestions will get you started. Again, the name of that book is H Having Meaningful, Sometimes Difficult Conversations with Our Adult Sons and Daughters.

It's available at catholiccounselors.com or wherever books are sold. Joanne, I hope that these thoughts will get you started. If there's more we can do for you once you've tried to take uh take advantage of some of these suggestions, please don't hesitate to call us back here on More to Life.

And we are taking your calls, listeners, at eight seven seven seven seven seven seven seven five seven three seven eight two five. Our show today is titled War and Peace as we talk about the ways that conflict wears us down. Give us a call. The number again eight seven seven. five seven three seven eight two five. We're talking now with Margaret who's listening to EWTN radio in California on Sirius XM one thirty.

Hi Margaret. Welcome to Mortal Life. What's going on? Okay, what's going on is I've been having problems in my marriage. So my pastor referred me to A uh Catholic psychiatrist. and I talking to her a few times and the the la one of the latest ones was that my husband's been in her In her opinion, definitely has narcissistic character behaviors. And I question is, do I have to now think about a divorce?

Um well, no. I mean I you know, so so let let's let's kinda put this I mean the next step would be trying to get him help. Um, because uh the the reality is even with even if he has you know, what what w even if he has narcissistic personality disorder, there are different degrees of that. It's it's on a it's on a kind of a spectrum to mild, to moderate, to severe.

Um and a person with a mild or moderate personality disorder can change if enough heat and pressure is put on them to do it. It it's not a lot of fun and it isn't easy. But it but it is possible. Um and so, you know, y you your psychiatrist s uh believes that your husband might have a narcissistic personality, but he hasn't been evaluated and diagnosed yet. Right? And and very often

you know, the perspective can change once that person comes in for help. And the best way to get get your husband in to help is not to ask him, not to say, Honey, I've you know, I've would you think that we need counseling. It it's more to say

Honey, I I really need us to get some counseling together and I've made this appointment and I'm I'm I'm going to go with you or without you, but I would really love it if you would be there because I want to make sure that you're s that you're getting your side told.

uh so that the counselor can really help us both'cause if I'm just going they're just hearing my side. That's the best way to appeal to a narcissist and get them into counseling because th then they they they want their story to be told.

And the and the key is just to get him in the door so that he can be properly evaluated and you can get a clearer sense of what you're actually dealing with. You know, with somebody who has mild to moderate personality disorders or even just somebody who has personality traits You know, if somebody can tend toward narcissism without being a narcissist, you know, sometimes they're just a little selfish around the edges and they need to kind of be given a little bit of reality testing.

uh or have some boundaries or limits set. And then uh but then there are other people who do have a diagnosed m personality disorder who need more structure. And the counselor can evaluate that. But the next step is really evaluating the severity of the disorder and and how workable the situation really is. Um you know, a so and and and just to anybody else out there, you know, even if somebody has uh a a personality disorder, if that doesn't that doesn't

Uh that doesn't negate the marriage, right? Now what it can say is if somebody has a severe personality disorder, it can affect their ability to consent to marriage as the church defines it. or be uh c it can impair their ability to live a marriage as the church defines it.

But the marriage enjoys the benefit of the doubt as far as the church is concerned and and grace can do a lot. So you have to kinda walk through the process because marriage like all the sacraments is a sacrament of healing. We often forget that. But you know, all of us are broken in terms of our capacity to love each other as God would have us love each other.

And so all of us come into marriage, not knowing how to love each other maybe at all, but certainly not knowing how to love each other the way God wants us to. And so the grace of marriage heals that broken capacity for love in each of us. Um and so t if we are capable of participating with that grace in any way, then we can be healed of those impediments to loving the way God wants us to love.

So, you know, just because somebody slaps a label on something doesn't automatically mean that they're impervious to grace. It's possible, you know, like you said, in with severe personality disorders, that person may be impervious to that grace because g even God can't contravene our free will. Right? But but you have to kind of walk through the steps to see

What do we need to do to cooperate with that healing grace that marriage confers to our ability and capacity to love the way God wants us to love? So th what you've got here, Margaret, so far is is good information.

on on some possible f challenges you're dealing with in the relationship. The next step is for you to learn how to set appropriate boundaries while still building rapport in the relationship and really more effectively challenging your husband to come in and and get a proper evaluation and get proper counseling so that the two of you can see

how you can w do a better job cooperating with the grace that marriage is offering to heal these broken parts in each of you. Uh we I would also suggest that you check a check out our book, um Uh I completely lost the title. Healing uh how to heal your marriage and nurture lasting love. There we go. How to heal your marriage. You have to go through twenty of them.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So how to heal your marriage and nurture lasting love. It's available at Catholic Counselors dot com or wherever books are sold, but it talks about eight research based habits that healthy couples practice that any couple can learn.

uh and it could be a great resource for you and your husband to cooperate with the the the support you're already getting. Thank you so much for the call, Margaret. If there's more we can do to support you, please don't hesitate to reach out to us here on the show.

Um again you can also check out the book How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love, which is available at catholiccounselors.com or wherever books are sold. Eight seven seven five seven three seven eight two five we're talking about conflict today on our show titled War and Peace. And if you're tired of feuding with a specific person, or just looking for more grace filled ways to deal with conflict in general in your life, give us a call. The number is eight seven seven

five seven three seven eight two five. That's eight seven seven five seven three seventy eight twenty five. If you're listening later on to the More to Life podcast, shoot us an email at questions at more to life radio dot com.

As we head out to our break, it's time for our scripture of the day, which comes to us from James chapter one, verses nineteen and twenty. Let every person be quick to hear. slow to speak and slow to anger, for anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. And again, James is not saying that anger is bad. He's talking about the anger of man. In other words, unr self selfish anger as opposed to kind of righteous anger.

You know, um Saint John Chrysostom pointed out that when we don't get angry about things that we have th th that that we should be angry about, that's actually sin. Because anger points to an injustice, right? But the first response to anger shouldn't be taking it out on somebody else. It should be bringing it to God and saying Lord Exactly.

Teach me what to do with this anger. Show me how to express it in a way that glorifies you, helps me be my best self, and helps me invite the other person to be their best self too, so that we can find the solutions you want for us. Because what James one nineteen through twenty is saying here is it's not our anger that's going to affect change in people or in a situation.

it's inviting God into it. It's it's being slow enough to speak, slow enough to delve into our selfish anger, that we calm down and say, Lord, as you were saying, Greg, Teach me what to do here. Come into this with your grace. Give us your Holy Spirit in this situation. Enlighten my mind. That's inviting God to bring His righteousness. into the situation and puts us in the place of his docile servants so that we can affect his change. Not just go on our own initial reaction.

With that we have to go to break, but when we come back more with your calls about dealing with conflict either with a particular person or just in general, eight seven seven five seven three seven eight two five. Back in a minute. When the need for senior care arises, home is where the heart is. Visiting Angels provides home care for mom or dad up to 24 hours per day, including personal care, meals, and light housework.

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You like pizza? Me too. And for that, we can thank our friend Tom Monahan. First, he starts with$900 and opens one pizza shop. Then it's worldwide, thousands of shops. But all this was just a warm-up. for his greatest achievement yet. Built a university. God inspired Tom to build up generations of men and women who have a hunger to reach the world for Christ. This place is Ave Maria University. Visit Ave Maria dot Edu to see. next. Underwritten in part by the following non-profits.

That they may be one. A docudrama featuring Cardinal Renero Cantalamesa, Dr. Mary Healy, and Francis Chen. Exploring how the Holy Spirit has been working across generations and denominations to answer the prayer of Jesus. Church is meant to look like the church of the Acts of the Apostles. And if you read Acts, you see Yeah. More information at that they maybe one film.com. Want more tips for living a more joyful, abundant life through the gift of the theology of the body?

Well then follow us on Facebook at More Two Life with Doctor Greg and Lisa and on Twitter and Instagram at Counselors. We'll see you there. Thank you for joining us today on More to Life on the EWTN Global Catholic Radio Network. I'm Lisa Popcha. I'm Doctor Greg Popchak and the show's titled War and Peace today as we talk about h all the ways conflict complicates our lives. Before we take our next call, we just want to send out congratulations to two Kentucky members of EWTN Radio Family.

Holy Family Radio in Louisville is celebrating 25 years with EWTN, and Immaculate Heart Radio in Hopkinsville marks 21 years with us. Congratulations to Vince Heiser at WLCR in Louisville and Jim Monroe at WSPP in Hopkinsville. From all your friends here at EWTN.

And wherever you're tuning in to EWTN, make sure you're supporting your local EWTN Catholic radio station. Let's keep EWTN here going for decades to come to keep supporting you in living a more joyful and abundant life. With that, let's take our next call. Lisa, who's up?

Let's talk to our next listener who's listening to EWTN Radio in Pennsylvania. Hi there, caller. Welcome to More to Life. How can we help you out today? Hi there. Um, I have been married to my husband for almost seven years. We've had some ongoing um issues with addictive things on his part, um addiction on and off to gaming and pornography. Um but within the last year he had an emotional

affair and since then has been um pretty indifferent about what to do moving forward. We have two children together and so um he feels a moral pull to not abandon us but um there's not really much effort or work being put in on his part and I'm kind of lost knowing like how to advocate for our marriage or advocate for um h how to live like a single life. We've been separated um since January. So I know there's kind of a lot of components but I

So you're living separately from him since January, is that correct? Is that what we heard? And when you say he has a moral pull to stay with you and not abandon you and the children, has he said that to you just basically I don't really want to be here but I'll stay'cause of you and the kids? Like Yeah. What's the right thing?

So so what is is he doing anything to or g I guess are the two of you doing anything to try to heal a relationship or for uh you know to to to to get back together or where does that stand? Um We see each other weekly with our kids. We're both in person like one on one counseling. We've tried marriage counseling in the past.

um, two different times and it kind of always came to the point where the counselors recommended that he do a lot of like personal work first before we could address some of like the deep seated trust issues like with the betrayal of pornography and all of those other things.

Okay, and how does he react to that? Um, I think he kinda feels overwhelmed by the mountain of things that he feels he has to do. Um, and I don't expect him to change overnight, but I don't have any reassurance from him that this is actually what he wants. And is he willing to move back in at all or is that Bye.

All right. All right. That's that's I that's fair. I understand what you're saying. So um just in the time that we've got, you know, what I would suggest is that the the you know, you're describing these addictive behaviors Generally speaking, in my experience, that that that suggests a a kind of a deeper sense of depression. Y you're married to a guy who um doesn't feel like he's got a lot of power in his life.

who doesn't know how to uh have what we call an internal locus of control. In other words, uh he doesn't believe that, you know, i i if he feels bad about something, he doesn't feel like he can do anything about it. That he just has to numb himself or make himself feel better

with addictive behaviors or with a relationship or with whatever. He's he tends to use things to make himself feel better instead of doing what a healthy person does, which is say, There's a problem, how can I break that down and what can I do to begin to solve it? Uh and so because of that that that leads to a a depressive lifestyle, a depressive attitude in general that that causes him to perpetually fall into that temptation for uh either addictive behaviors or even infidelity.

Um because it really underneath infidelity is that that idea that you make me feel better and that's how they get kinda caught up in that. So in terms of, you know, what to do, i it's it's it's a very important thing that you're making I'm glad that you're both getting personal counseling. I wanna encourage you to to stick with that and keep following the advice of your own counselors.

Um but also but but realize that th that this is not so much a marital issue as it is uh you know, h his issue of of this kind of more depressive and more um uh external locus of control that causes him to feel powerless in a lot of areas of his life and he's not gonna be able to make a commitment to you.

N and you're not gonna be able to trust him until he can acknowledge that problem and begin dealing with that directly. Because until he can see that he is capable of doing things to make his life better or doing things to address the challenges and problems that get him down instead of just numbing himself with with either behaviors or chemicals or uh relationships.

then the y you know, he's not going to be able to work with you to build a better marriage. So you need to kinda keep that in mind as you're moving forward uh and and and looking at whether you can trust him or not. I wish I could give you more, but I'm glad that you're receiving that ongoing support. That's the most important thing. And I hope that these suggestions will give you a way to con conceive of the best way forward.

Thanks for the call. And that's all the time we've got for today's show. Thanks so much for listening. If there's more that we can do to support you in dealing with the conflicts in your marriage, family, or personal life, reach out to us at Catholic Counselors.com, where you can work with a faithful, professional Catholic counselor to help you transform your marriage.

Marriage, family, or personal life in the light of God's grace. And remember, get out there and celebrate the life God wants for you because with God's grace there is so much more to life. Thanks for tuning in. Have a blessed day. With Dr. Greg and Lisa Popchek. More to Life is a co-production of Ave Maria Ray. PN Radio Catholic Radio Network. Our producer is Dan McGraw. Or for more information, visit AveMoearadio.net