'Miss' Spelling (Part 1)

that again. Hear that for myself. I just filed for divorce. Whoa, I said the words that I've said, like in my head for like sixteen years wild fifteen it was Yeah. Anyway, I just got word from my lawyer that it's public. There's this weird thing that I didn't know about before that you have to be careful with your ex, like it's he said, she said, who filed first?

And yeah, I probably that stopped me from a really long time wanting to do this and hurting him and protecting him and protecting the kids and my daughter, My daughter who's fifteen, is very much like you know, people already talk about us at school, like they know you and they know the family, and they read the press and now you're doing a podcast. And I was like, well, can't be worse than the shit they read out there, like, oh my god, they read they think we live in

an RV. Like I was like Stella with a step up, Like she literally had someone come up to her at school and be like, oh are you in the school district or where does your RV parked? Like you live in an RV with your mom? Right, She was like, that was summer vacation. We rented that like every other family and drove up the coast and camped and they were like, oh, we thought you were homeless. So she was shamed, but she was like, imagine what it's going to be like at school when you file for divorce.

I mean teens to know how to manipulate it. But I was like, yeah, it's gonna suck, but yeah, anyway, it's more the norm than isn't. So I was like, you know, but your dad and I co parents.

nothing towards Dean. I just at some point I think I I believed in like the fairy tale, like I grew up. I mean, my father was the biggest produced television producer, so I grew up knowing there's a beginning, middle, and end, and the two main characters always start stop and there's a happy ending and an end credit. So that's what I always assume would be. And you know,

I think when we're young. It's different now, but I grew up in like the eighties and on TV in the nineties, and I feel like we then were conditioned to be like we want the prince, like the night whatever, someone in white on a horse coming in swooping us up. We wanted the fairy tale. I even wanted the white picket fence. I still want that now, I just want it black. But it's but I want to well, I want of funds. But I yeah, I wanted the whole dream.

But my thing was always like, even from a young age, I was like, oh, I want to be the perfect wife and mom and housewife and cook. And I was never taught how to clean, so that's not gonna happen. But uh, or cook but I taught myself. Or bake but I taught myself. But okay, but cleaning I won't do so anyway. But I wanted to be that woman. But then I was like, but I also want to like run an empire. So that's a meeting of the mind. So I'm really stubborn and I'm really driven. And I

always say I'm a Philly, you can't break. I know philly means I'm young, and I'm not young. But I can still call myself a girl. I can still call myself misspelling because I can do whatever I want to do. Because we can redefine words the way they make sense to us and how we want to proceed with them. So anyway, Diana and I had this fairy tale romance

even though we both were married when we met. Not fairytale right there, like, but we had other partners that we cheated on and then left and then we got together and people were like, oh, I give it six months. And we always say like, hey, it made it eighteen years. It shouldn't have made it eighteen years like it was. And I think he would say the same thing. If he and I had a real heart to heart. I think, yeah, it would have been over a lot sooner. But I think,

you know, we started well. We had like pairings. We had two sets of kids, like we had Liam and Stella fifteen months apart, and I think we had Liam and Stella for a while and then I was like, oh, you know what, things were okay, but they weren't great. And I have a friend who reminded me recently that he said, do you remember what you've been telling me the whole time? And I said what, And you said,

I need the extra help with hands. When they are old enough to undo their own car seats, I'll leave him. And I was like, what, When did I say that? After Bo? And he's like no, After Liam and Stella, then you got pregnant with Hattie, and then ten months later you pregnant with Finn. And then you told me when they can unbuckle and buckle their own car seat, I'll leave him, and I didn't. And then came Bo. And then with Bo, I was like, oh when he no, I just should have left after Bo. But if I

had left sooner, there'd be no Bo. And I love Bo.

you okay? I hate to do this to you while you're in the middle of you're going to work and everything they've done. It it's like one it's just the formality. It's like a one sheet you check off and next you'll have to sign it. You have a lawyer. Wait, it's going to be spun. What way that I had enough of you? What? What do you mean? I mean,

in all honesty, after this whole journey. I if it's about that, like who files first, the other person's wrong if they I feel like I deserve to file first, then well, I mean you basically put it all out there with daily mail, like you said, everything that you've done to me over the years. So I think it would make perfect sense that it's followed up that I would file because those are things I would never have divulged to anybody, and you did, so I don't know.

I assume that'll come later. I don't. I think it's just yeah, it's just like a one sheet where you literally like check like divorce and like irreconcilable differences. Yeah, okay, I love you, Okay, y ugh, wait, that's it. Oh my god, never felt more alone in a room full of friends to a podcast. Fuck, I've never feel more alone in fifty years.

know if I can. I don't know. I mean, I know you can change at any point in your Lifely, yeah, everyone always says that but like it's a harder task then we realize, especially if you don't believe it, Like people can tell you and tell you and tell you and should should, should, But if you don't believe it in your soul, in your core, Like, I don't know how you change.

be like, we don't know who that is. For anyone my age and old or listening, you'll know who this is. But they'd be like, oh, you're still like your Judy Holiday, which like was an iconic like movie star, like Black and White film was literally like funny like she was before Lucy. But she was like, you know, the pretty ditsy blonde and that's like what you're conditioned to be, Like, oh you're blonde, you're funny, you giggle like, oh you

play this role and they compartmentalize you in life. Yeah. I was all like blonde hair, big eyes, giggles, like funny timing, great body, show my stomach and scene and that's what I was carved down in life to be. I screwed up. Like one time I was like I said something to someone. I was like, well, when you're like conditioned your whole life to be viewed as a sex symbol, my friend was like, ew, did you just call yourself a sex symbol? And I was like, oh

my god, and I got so shamed. I was like no, no, no, no, no, I don't even like myself.

which it was. Yeah, it was the honeymoon period that everyone talks about, but what is that six months ours was four and it was intense, and I was like, wow, he sees me. I felt like my whole life I only showed people pieces of me because I was always being told who I was and could be, even from birth, like you know, born into a family where I had to uphold a certain being and you know, my house, like I was like the way I was raised was completely different than the way I raised my kids. And

I'm not even talking esthetically. I'm not talking about the fact that I grew up in a ten thousand square foot house and then moved to a fifty six thousand square foot house irrelevant. I'm just kiddinking. I'm talking about like it was never a conversation, like you were quiet, and no one ever said this to me, No one

said like you can be seen and not heard. But like it was that feeling that I got, like while it was a family, it was a public family, and you learned very quickly, like you know, four or five years old, I got it. I got it that all eyes were on us and everyone was watching and listening to how we behaved and how what we said and

how we represented this iconic Hollywood family. When I say week, because I have a brother who is an amazing podcast called Oldish with my bff Brian Austin Green and Sharna on iHeart, and yeah, he was like less willing to conform. I always was in the mindset like of representing your family. So yeah, I don't know I was. I just got it from an early age. I would I was fascinated with the world summer vacation. I didn't want to hang with my friends. I wanted to go to work with

my dad. I would literally hide under his desk and take notes and like that was my world from jump, you know, I used to like walk around My mom had every script that my dad ever did, the initial one because there were over what two hundred, like it couldn't be every single one, but if it was a series,

it was the pilot script. If it was a movie of the movie, obviously leather Bound and in his office wall to wall, and every Saturday, I would spin around like wonder Woman, and I'd be like wonder Woman and I'd land on a script and I would pull that script out and I would read it. Obviously, this is when I could read, so it was like eight nine.

And then I'd ask my dad if he could play the male lead, and I obviously would play the female lead because I didn't think outside the box then, and we would read through it and I'd be like, I'm gonna make these one day and like make like not just like, oh, I'm gonna star in these. I'm like, I'm gonna star, I'm gonna write, I'm gonna produce, I'm gonna direct, I'm gonna own this motherfucker's shit. What's a motherfucker shit? I don't know what that is, but I'm gonna own it.

is what people want me to be. I was able to be like the loud and like the body type of like toy and like I could have like you know, I could have a foul mouth. I could I'm not you know, just Donna Martin like the perfect good girl, like I could have some bad girl in me, and it was okay, and and he like all those sides, and he saw how smart I was and accepted me. And I said, from the beginning, it's gonna be a lot.

It's I've been told it's an emasculating road. And he was like, I can handle it, and I was like, can you though, like it's not going to be easy, Like I can't. I don't think he knew how big it would be, how how big the life I was given and live is. It's yeah. I think he was like, oh yeah, things come and go, But with me, it never came and went like it was. I from the moment we met, I was in the moment I was born. I was in the press, you know, and it hasn't

there hasn't been a reprieve from it. So it's like you kind of have to be used to like jumping on board in that world and just getting through it and owning it, and I thought he was on board with that, but I was also all very focused on him, and I think a lot of parents out there can relate, like I noticed a shift in our relationship literally the day I found out I was pregnant, And the shift came from within, because all of a sudden, it wasn't.

It was never about me, like I have kept myself small since I was young, to not outshine anyone in my family, and then not outshine anyone in my cast, and then not shine outshine any boyfriend I had, or outshine any husband like so I would just self sabotage and keep myself small and wouldn't keep building myself up where I knew I could be, And anytime it would start to get big or real, I would find a way to plummet it and start back over again, like

I'm doing now, but this time I'm not backing down. I'm just going all the way to the top. Well, you guys all heard that, right, hold me accountable. But yeah, as soon as it wasn't, you know all about him, And I don't think he intentionally did this. All the focus changed to the baby growing in my belly and instantly I changed, and I was like, Oh, this is what it's like to really take control and step up and be accountable for someone that you don't even know yet.

And everything we came about Liam, who was in my belly, and you know, I was never the adventure girl, but when I met Dean, we made Oh my god, we made a list on the back of barf bags in the plane on the way back from Ottawa where we were filming the TV movie where we hooked up, coming back to our mary, you know, our spouses. We rode on barf bags what things we were going to do, like a bucket list in our relationship. And for me, it was like doing things that I was always scared

and fearful, Like I got that from my dad. My dad was scared of everything, and I just took that on thinking they were my fears. And now I'm like, wait, someone else's fears, Like maybe it wasn't my fears, Like maybe I do want to jump out of airplane. Now I'm just kidding psych Uh, I don't know. But it was things like that, like we're gonna go here, We're gonna I think I said, I'd like ride a marathon. I

don't even know how to ride a bike. But I the thing is, I tried, and I wanted something different and I wanted to please him. And then when I got pregnant, we got pregnant right away. So we got married in May, and we started trying right away. We didn't get pregnant right away, and my dad passed in June, and then days later, the beginning of July, found out I was pregnant. No, it was right like a month

after my dad passed. Basically I conceived like right after my dad passed, and so I took that as like, oh, it's a sign, this is supposed to be and this is how it was planned to happen. But honestly, our relationship was never the same after we started having kids, like and we always said we won't be those parents that change. We'll make sure we make our relationship with priority and the two of us and we have date nights,

and just everything went out the window. I became completely focused on the kids and kind of left him in a way. And I get it. It doesn't excuse his behavior and everything he did and how he handled things. And I'm not minimizing his part in this and how his lack of sobriety did affect me and the kids for years and years and years, and I'm really happy

that he's sober now. But our relationship definitely changed, like to the point where I felt like I was just in this alone with the kids, like and he was there and he was an extra set of hands and he put the car seat in because I know how to do it, and you know, things like that. But emotionally, like I was like Taggert, like I was the parent and it was a lot of responsibility while also you know, rebuilding a career, which I did. You know, we became

a family brand. I went from like you know, Hollywood rich girl like starlet, like starlett that's as bad as my calling myself a sex symbol. Sorry, h anyway, to like cool mom, like look at her, she does it all Meanwhile, like behind the scenes, it was all falling apart.

And I literally sometimes I went back and reread one of my books once and I was like wow, Like sometimes I think I created the character of Dean, like all those Prince charmings I wanted when I was young, Like I created this character that he had a lot

of those qualities. But you know, we did our reality show, and it was like the first one was like fun fun, So any like bad stuff that would happen or fights or anything, they would edit, and you know, women everywhere I would hear them be like I wish I had a Dean, and I was like, you only knew, if you only knew?

did it once. I was like, fair, fair, no, I'm not going to So I never did.

she has a hoarder, like she's messy. And I was like, yep, yep, yep, that's me. And I'm like, wait, wait, wait, I always say to him, we actually he and I had this conversation semi recently and I was like, when we met in Ottawa, you met me, you came into my hotel room where we were filming. I had my two dogs with me, and what was one of the first things

you saw? And He's like, you had your suitcases open and there were clothes and shoes covering the entire room and you had to make space so we could walk through to get to the bed to f sex. I'm like yes, and he's like, and there was dog shit in the on top of the clothes in your suitcase. I'm like, correct, that was me and the first night you met me, So what about me is surprising? Now married to me years later with kids, then I'm messy and that the dog shit everywhere and I don't pick

it up. I'm just kidding. I eventually pick it up.

talk about now he's still talking about dog shit. We're fucked and this is three hundred dollars, Like, oh, who cares about the dog shit? Like I would always say, what does it matter? I mean, it does matter. I get it, Listen, I get that's a problem, but it clearly wasn't our biggest problem.

on your toes. Like it was like it was like a fight, like you know, a mental fight, like okay, uh, I think he might like aim here, and if he aims here, like with what he says, I'm going to respond this way and that'll take him down. And it got to the point where nothing would make sense and it just I would just notice stop talking, like and that usually you know, just space and stop talking. And it was just it was hard.

just remember that day. She was like, he was really great and he helped and styled and carried and did everything for us that whole day because we didn't have the budget to like hire people and we had to do the whole photo shoot ourselves and video shoot just me and Jen. And he was great. And when I got home, she texted me and she said Dean was really great today. And I was like, Oh, that's going to mean a lot to him for me to go

in and say, Jen gave you a compliment. She would laugh at this, but I did, and he was like, really, Oh, that's that is great. Months later, when I reminded him of this, he doesn't remember that part. But I'm like, okay, yeah, you got a compliment from someone that doesn't give compliments freely, like that's a big step. And he was like, thank you, Okay, that feels really good. It was nice helping you guys today. And then but he had been drinking at this point.

It was in the evening, and then we started to discuss something else and I could tell like, ooh, he's fired up and it's not going to go well. And in my head I'm like, stop talking, walk away, because otherwise this is going to escalate. But once in a blue moon, I don't just walk away and I don't

just shut up. I come back. And I always say it's the tourus in me, like stubborn, like the tourists, like we'll make peace with everyone and super patient and we'll be like I'm sorry, it's me, it's not you. And then like you push us, you push us, you push us, and then we just snap. But me snapping isn't even like bad, Like imagine me snapping, like it's not crazy. But yeah, that's all it took. And so but I'll never forget the night because sorry, I'm a foodie,

so I associate everything with food. Okay, it's not a bad thing. And we just ordered Wendy's and I'm not gonna lie. I'm a big baked potato fan, loaded baked potato. My mom taught me how to make him. I make them for everybody AnyWho. So I had just gotten my baked potato from Wendy's and I was super psyched about it because I had a long work day and I was like, ooh, and I made it to perfection. I was like, m this is a baked potato my mom

would be proud of. And just as I had made it, he came into the kitchen because it was a conversation. We had started fighting, and I walked away, still passive aggressively saying things because I'm passive aggressive trying to work on that, and he's like, what did you say? Did you say? And I was like, hm, uh huh, proceed I said this and yeah. So it just like escalated and he came in screaming, and he he made a remark that I don't want to discuss, but it's not

even a terrible remark. It's just it was a dig at something he knew would really be hurtful to hear, and I think it was just in the moment he made that dig, and it's really nothing, but it's something that I took personal. And when he said that, fine, I'll say what he said. He said to go back to dog shit because he loves talking about dog shit and animal shit and feeces, feces. Uh, he said, Uh,

I'm so sick of this. I've been picking up Tory spelling shit for eighteen years hers and I've fucking lost it.