This is the BBC This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK Oh you get it! Acorn TV In a nutshell, it's brilliant. Visit Acorn.TV for a 30 day free trial with promo code BBC24. There's never been a faster or easier way to start your weight loss journey than with plush care. Plush care accepts most insurance plans and gives you online access to board certified physicians who can prescribe FDA-approved weight loss medications like Wigovie and Zepbound for those who qualify.
Take charge of your health and speak with a board certified physician about a weight loss plan that's right for you. Get started today at plushcare.com slash weight loss. That's plushcare.com slash weight loss. Plushcare.com slash weight loss. BBC Sounds Music Radio Podcasts A gentle warning this episode of Miss Me contains very strong language and some extremely graphic sexual references. We also talk about cancer and childbirth. Keats, have you heard Espresso by Sabrina Carpenter?
I haven't heard the song Espresso. What? I haven't heard it but I was obviously intrigued when I realised she was sleeping with Barry Keo. I was like, ooh, who is this chick? You know that apparently the person that Olivia Rodrigo is singing about in driver's license was Sabrina Carpenter's boyfriend. It's about that love triangle. Oh no way, I love. Just a little bit of a trivia for you there. I'm intrigued. Yeah. It's true to everything else.
Anyway, Sabrina Carpenter and Espresso sounded the summer. I'm working there because I'm a singer. Oh, he looks cute. Rapp around my finger. Excuse me. There's another bit though that's like, too bad your ex don't do it for you. Walked in and drinking, too beautiful, you have your skin and I performed it for you. I know I'm out in due with for you. Do you know which song I think personally influenced that song? Fast love. Then look at Brother Deet's house, baby.
I'm going to get my mind and I'm making me, if you can help me, is my mind. I'm working late because I'm a singer. Oh, he looks cute. Are you on the lead? I'm on the lead. Shut the fuck up. Okay, whatever. I just can't help myself. A well crafted pop song is a well crafted pop song. Okay. So you're saying that middle bit when she goes a bit faster is possibly ripping off. Not ripping off. Sumbling fast love. Not ripping off inspired by. Can we do a karaoke edition?
We'll figure out how we can afford. Listen bitch, the karaoke version because I'd be into it. Welcome to Listen Bitch. Lily is vocal today. She's singing. You can't shut her up. You can't stop that today. No, what anyone tries. Welcome. I think it was in the Pajot 206 and one time you just said, this song bitch. And I was like, I touched me somewhere. Listen bitch. It's just nice people say it to me on the street now. I'm like, God, if only Listen Bitch knew how far it would travel.
You know, it's not ours now. It's everyone. Listen bitch. Or money, more problems. Actually, we're not going to mention P-D-D. Oh, this episode of Listen Bitch. But speaking of pieces of shit. This week's episode of Listen Bitch. Steam is... Pooh. We've tried quite a lot of shit. Shall we just take this to the floor? First question, please. Hi, Lily. I'm a key to my name's Holly and I come from Bristol. I have a question for you, but I need to preface it with a story.
So you understand the reason why I'm asking it. So I am very allergic to dairy products. And when I eat any kind of dairy product, I lose total and utter control of my bumhole. And on one occasion, I was out with my friend, Fidina. And at the end of the evening, we met up with my boyfriend to walk home because we were staying at my boyfriend's house in Cheltenham. Unfortunately, I had eaten dairy on this dinner. And so during the walk home, I got a sudden urge to have a poo.
And I decided that as we were staying at his parents' house, I really, really didn't want to turn up to his parents' house with poo in my house. And so instead, I made the decision to make brown on the clean, clean streets of Cheltenham. And at the moment that I'd done it, I suddenly realised that as I have no toilet roll, I'm still going to be in the predicament of turning up to his parents' house with poo in my pants.
And so my boyfriend got a squarety bottle of water out of my bag and asked me to fend over and pull apart my bum cheeks. And in front of my friend, he bum-gunned my bum clean. And it was in that moment that I thought this guy is a treasure. And I think that contributed to us recently celebrating our 10 years of being very much in love.
So my question is, have any incidents or experiences relating to poo helped you to decipher that somebody is very much a human being that you want in your life for a very long time? That's when we were going to. After all that journey, that poo journey, I just have been reminded by that story of this so bad. They're not involved in me, you know, it's not involving me in you.
But it involves, I mean, it's kind of serious, but also, yeah, I mean, when I had been through what was possibly the worst experience of my life or stillbirth or my son George, I, you know, as many people do when they are in a state of depression, they lose all sight of their personal hygiene, right, and their cleanliness. And that was something that just slipped by the wayside with me during that period of time. I couldn't actually couldn't talk for like, you know, three months, four months.
And I remember going to do like a round of tests that I'd done with the doctor afterwards because I think I just found out that I was pregnant again. But I'd refused to talk to the doctor to do the follow-up stuff. So Sam, my husband at the time was doing all of those conversations and was relaying information that I needed unto me. And he came into my bedroom. I've just got off the phone with Dr. Colin Davis and he says that your insample has come back and there's feces in your urine.
And I was like, oh, that sounds scary. And he was like, I don't think it's anything to worry about, but he just asked me to remind you to wipe from front to back. Wipe your fucking ass properly. Oh, no. And I was like, oh, no. I love you. Yeah, so was that discourse between you and Sam among we thought, right, we're in love. Yeah, we're together. So that's nice. Yeah. Can you start wiping your bum from front to back and stop having a shit in your wee? Thank you very much. Oh my god.
Yeah, this is going to make me feel away this episode. I learned two things from the lovely lady from Bristol. Made brown on the street and a boyfriend bum gun turn. Like it was just common parlance. Unbelievable. I like that you just went to just go straight into the shit on the street. I think that you did the right thing. Actually, I think the worry about turning up all stinky and pooey would have probably put a real downer on the whole evening. Downer on the whole evening.
Thank you for sharing that story with us. I can't wait to hear more. Mickey, you're loving this episode on you already. I can put it down. Give me another question for Liz and Rich. Hey girls, I hope you're okay. It's Joe from London here. Now, I wanted to start my question with a quick story. So I'm the same age as you two. And I don't know if you remember, but the chew platforms in the 90s used to have vendor machines on them.
Anyway, I would run up and down the chew platform, checking the vendor machines to see if anyone had left anything behind, like coins or forgotten chocolate. One day, I was running down the platform and I found that one of the vendor machine doors was left open. So, of course, I am viciously stuck my hand into the machine and someone had shit in the machine. Now, I don't know if someone had placed a dog turd in there or had strategically pooped in there.
Anyway, my tiny little hand was covered in poo. So, I guess my question is, do you have any traumatic poo stories? Yeah, great. I do. Yes. I was like, is this just to tell us about this? I'm sorry I had that happen to you. That's so disgusting. Can you imagine thinking you're going to get away with the free chocolate bar instead of a hand full of shit? I think someone put a dog poo in there. How would you poo in that little, it's quite an interesting angle, right?
Let's think about the metrics of that. Right? Logistically, I don't think that would work. So, I think someone just did that with dog poo. So, don't you worry. My traumatic experience with poo was with Lily, actually, try to remember we went to Morocco. Yeah. Lily hadn't had a holiday in a long time. You've been working like a maniac for like two years and I hadn't had a holiday and you were like, I've come to Morocco, I was like, just me and you four days.
And we had that hotel like to ourselves, do you remember? Mm-hmm. And I got food poisoning. Did you get it as well? Don't think so. Like, remember the last night we got food poisoning, I think we both got it. And then we had to fly the next day. And, um, did you get caught short? That's the most horrific experience of my life. I didn't get caught short but it was just the idea that I could be. And it was a really tricky flight home.
I remembered that like food poisoning and what happens with food poisoning, you just got to be at home. You can't be in sort of travel when your upshits creak. Is it what? Ooh, I like what you did there. I've had diarrhea once when I was on stage. That was a bit of a disaster. Mm-hmm. No. No, in what outfit were you wearing? I can't remember. But I remember, I've sort of managed to hold it in or I'd like, I'd not eaten, you know, because I knew that my tummy was dodgy.
So I hadn't eaten that afternoon. During the show, I'd obviously been drinking. And so when I had to come off for the encore, I was desperate to go to the toilet. I think I was playing in like Montreal, Vancouver, somewhere in Canada. It was quite big, maybe like, you know, a couple of thousand cups, maybe three thousand cups or something. And then ran up the stairs to the toilet, sat on the toilet, the heavens opened, shall we say.
And I just remember sitting on the toilet and thinking, oh my god, this isn't stopping. And then suddenly hearing, li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li. Lily, li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li. Getting louder and louder and this diarrhea did not stop it. No. It just would not stop. What a combination. Eventually, it did and the li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li said sort of died down. And I started panicking, thinking, oh my god, people are going to be leaving.
They're thinking, I'm not coming out for the encore. And then I came out and I just was straight with everyone. I was sort of really sorry. I got tired. Did you tell the audience? Yeah, they thought it was hilarious. Okay. Can we have another question for Listen Bitch? Hi, Lily and the key to it's Sofia here calling from my mother's spare room in Lincolnshire.
I helped with excitement when you said that the next subject was going to be poo for Listen Bitch because I'm not lying that I was listening to Miss Me and I'm sorry to say this while I was having a poo, while I was having a poo. I got my head phone so I feel like that's quite key. And I did genuinely have the thought wonder if they're ever to poo as a subject. So here I go. I'm very open with my partner.
I'm not really embarrassed very easily and one of the things I'm not embarrassed about is if he sees or hears me doing a poo, I will also happily walk in on him doing a poo, whether he loves that or not, is a different story. whatsoever. A lot of my friends are the complete opposite and dread the fault of their partner if we're hearing or seeing them shit. And I just wondered how you feel in that situation. Are you an open-pour with your
partners or past partners? How do you feel about that subject? Maybe I shouldn't have done this enormously. I love you. So, for you, as the open-pour, you seem to be, there no anonymity here. No anonymity here. No anonymity here. That's just always deep question. Now, Lily, you live in quite a large space with your husband. But not everyone is so lucky. Including my mom and dad about a year ago. Maybe we've done a very small flat for about, well,
their whole relationship was just coming up to 30 years. And also before that, very small flat. And my mom hates gobs. Toilet kind of habits, no even habits, just like he tells everybody, God, let's you know. He's like, okay, I'm just going to have a shit and then get the newspaper and roll a cigarette. I'm like, I'm scared. But he brings you with him on his journey. He then also goes into the toilet, proceeds to stay in there for up to like sometimes an hour. What the fuck are you doing?
Do men just like to sit in their own smell as it were? Yeah, I think so. I remember when we lived with my dad, you remember in that flat in Bloomsbury, Dremel, when I lived there, like, fairly at the beginning of my life. And it only had one like toilet that was right next to the bathroom. So the toilet wasn't even in the bathroom. It was in a room next door. But it was just on its own. And there was only one in the flat. On the Sunday, my dad would go and sit in
there with the Sunday papers. And he just, everyone would have to go to the Lou before him because we all knew that we weren't going to be able to use the toilet for the rest of the day. It was like when, like, raw hide in the little house on the Prairie and go, what's your Sunday Channel 4? Yeah, there was nothing else on. So we would just be waiting for my dad to finish sitting with the papers. What is that? Like sort of like,
like, gloryating in your own shit all day. This is what I'm saying. It's like, get in and out. But to answer Sophia's question, really quite straightforwardly. I thought this was really good in the old days when it came up as an issue on Sex and the City. I thought, thank you for talking about this, because she got carries all over excited because she does a number two at Big Souse. And then Samantha's like, I don't give a shit. And Michelle, it's like, that is the end of
romance. And then Miranda's like, oh, yeah, I spent a whole holiday with a boyfriend using the toilets in the hotel. And I thought, yeah, I've done that. I did that with Julian and I was 18 and the Dominican Republic. My boyfriend was 18. I couldn't bear it. And I think even now, no way. I have two bathrooms in my house. Thank God. But no boyfriend. I don't have that issue. And I start seeing someone again. It's
actually quite handy. I don't really poo in front of David and he doesn't poo in front of me, but he's probably the first partner that's been like that. Maybe it's the sign of growth. Yeah, because you like to poo in front of me. You have no problem. No problem. Yes. Oh, interesting. I mean, last time I pooed in front of you, I can't remember the last time. Probably it probably on holiday. No, no, no, no. And not this holiday. I did not poo in front of you on
this holiday. Okay. So then the most prominent time I can remember was your 33rd birthday or something at the pub in the Cotswolds. Yeah, yeah, that's all right. So you usually went without that tracks. It was quite on Westwood Studios. Like just like, okay, so you're going to put, okay? Well, alcohol is a big trigger for me. Poo trigger. Oh, is it? Yeah. That's probably why you haven't done it since that birthday. Yeah. Yes. I did do a poo on the way back from Nashville. I did a poo on
the airplane. It was quite an old airplane. And I don't know, when you do a poo on an airplane, you're always like quite safe in the knowledge that it's got that like vacuum suction thing. It's going to suck all of the smell and everything out with it. And I did this poo and I was like, ah, okay, this is a bit stinky, but it's all right. I'm going to flush it and it's all going to go. And then I flushed it. And it was literally
like one of those things where the shelf just refracts and it just like drops in. No, no. And there was no suction. And it was a really tiny plane. And I was just like, oh my god, I've got to open this door and it's going to smell one way and everyone's going to know that it was me. And it's just so embarrassing. But I did it. It was fine. It's human. What happened? You opened the door and it's stinking. You were like, yeah,
it's like, whatever. I stood in my power. I stood in my food power and I opened that door. I walked right out of that toilet. Yes, that was me. Yeah. So what, we're in Nashville. I ate barbecue. What did you say? barbecue for lunch. Deal with it. I can say if you say, I don't think I've ever put on a plane. Now I fucking never will after that terrible thing. Yeah, we'll just make sure it's like built after the 1970s and you'll be all right.
That this plane was old. Can we have another poo related question, please? Hello, Lillia McEath, my name's Kate. I live in Bristol. I'm originally from Derby. And I want to talk about poo. My sister died last summer. She died of bowel cancer. She was too young and too fit to have bowel cancer. But because of that, and because she was a woman, a lot of her symptoms had been dismissed for the previous few years as gynecological or
perimenopause. So my question to you guys is, do you know the importance of checking your poo and the importance of advocating for yourself medically? Sally would have been 50 on the 28th of May, which I think will be the day after this podcast is released. So happy birthday sis. I hope you're both well and healthy and advocating for your health. Have a great day. Thanks, bye. Thank you so much for that. Honestly, for just being so open and
honest about something so awful that you've been through. And actually we have been, I guess this is the age we're talking more about our health and how we look after it. There are so many stories that you hear that are similar where it's just about misdiagnosis and things that you just don't think is a woman you'll have or is a woman in your 30s that you'll have. Or do you know what I mean? It's like, it's so important. That's why it's important to, I'm not just think for us to make
this a subject on my podcast, but it's so important to be honest and open. So according to the NHS website, the three main symptoms of bowel cancer are blood in the stools, which is poo, and a change in bowel habits such as more frequent looser stools and abdominal tummy pain. Information on
bowel cancer and the screening programme can be found on the NHS UK website. You quite often hear about women's pain, especially in that region being dismissed as just something that we should anticipate and cope with and not often offered adequate pain relief or further investigation. I think it's really important conversation to be having. Thank you so much for that question. Thank you so much. We're going to go for a little break. The subject of poo is taking us to many
different places. You were right, Lily. You were right. I was wrong. poo was good. We're still in poo. We are still in poo. We will see you after the break. Still in deep shit. How there it is. Welcome back to Listen Bitch. This week's theme is poo, and I believe we have a question from Jenny. I wonder where Jenny is, little. Lily, Makita, I'm loving the podcast. Thank you so much. It's Jenny from Cambridge speaking here. I have a question on your next Listen Bitch topic
about poo. It's not about toilet humor, it's just a bit gross. But I want to talk about anal sex. So I've got a mate and she was having anal sex with this guy and she ends up shitting all over her bedsheets. I wondered if maybe it's too personal to ask if anything like this happened to either of you. But do you have any stories in your friendship group of horrific accidents of such nature? How do they go down? I want all the disgusting details. I want all the disgusting details.
It's over to you I think. What I have to say is weird, which is I don't want to, I can't. She love is a bit of anal. I've never partaken in that, so I couldn't possibly comment. That's really a really weird one. Wait, you've never had anal sex. No, no, that's bullshit. No, it's not. Thank you. Not what are you basing this on? I'm sure we've had a conversation about it. I thought it was what? No. You mean you've never had anal sex? I've never partaken in that.
No. Not interested in it. Oh, oh, oh, I mean like not even a little finger in that. This is a bit much rock-full-gast, don't you think? Absolutely not. I don't understand that. I really don't understand that either way round. What the fuck? Okay. Well, I am a bit of a prude, but I know that anal sex is, I don't think it makes you particularly like salacious the sexual to enjoy anal sex. I just have never partaken in it. No, listen, I'm not like a big
anal sexer. What do you like to call it? I'm not a big what. No. Oh, you love it, don't you? Oh, I know, I'm actually, I actually just got I don't really enjoy anal sex, but I think that you should try it once. No, sorry, actually, I tell a lie, someone did it with me a bit. Did it with me a bit? I was like, whatever that is, I'm going to it. How's everyone saying his name now? That would be too far. Like 40-year-old women,
we should not be laughing with us. I know. I know not that. But fake. Like, this is meant to be a grown-up place. We are being grown-up. You think it's worth checking out, yeah? Go on. Tell me one reason why something was she did it. Explore. Look, go on, because it's just a different feeling and you might enjoy the feeling. But the bit of the feeling I had, I didn't like at all. So I imagine more of that feeling wouldn't be it to know if you push that. Sometimes you push right
under it. You know, you can't always go what you want. You could try sometimes. You might find you get what you need. You know what you need. It's all right. Okay, then. Thanks Mick Bagga and Lily Allen. Let's have another question. Hopefully it takes us to village fates. Hello, ladies. So Rebecca from Swindon here. Just messaging in about the love of topic of poo. I know you said you wanted two people or more this week, but my work friends abandoned me to
go on holiday for two weeks. Anyway, conversation of poo. I am currently parenting a two-year-old, so his poo in particular seems to be the forefront of everybody's minds at the moment, which is glorious. But my thoughts are maybe getting some opinions. Why does nobody acknowledge the first poo you do after you've given birth? Now, I don't know if it's any different. If you have a C-section, I have no clue. Again, intrigued and out because I am a grown woman. I've done many a poo in my life.
But Jesus Christ, those first two pooes after each of my children were horrendous. So, yeah, thoughts on why this is not discussed more openly and maybe used as a deterrent for not wanting children anymore. Thanks, babe. How fucking bad is it? I actually can't really remember. I mean, I do now that she's saying it. I seem to remember there being like a warning from my obstetrician who was like, you know, it is going to hurt the first one. But I don't, I can't really remember
much more detail than that. I think maybe because with Marnie, I torn. So, I was given a couple of extra stitches. And so that put extra pressure on when the poo came out. And yeah, it was airfing painful, but I had forgotten about it until now. So, thank you for reminding me. Like, did I? So, is it because you're all raw and it's the second thing to come out of this? It's a baby. Yes. I mean, it's taken a bathroom in the bath. That's like a train journey. I don't want to get on.
Yeah, you definitely want your stool to be a bit looser after you've given birth. So, but watch what you eat. Yeah. No roast beef sandwiches. Just a celebration for a baby. Can we have another question please? Hey, Lily and Makita, it is a lot of here. I'm 31 and I am in the Cotswolds, not too far, Lily, from where you used to live from during these parts. My question is related to dog poo. So, I have a spaniel and out here in the countryside is not that
many poo bins when you're out on a walk. So, for my birthday this year, my mum bought me this little zip-up bag that you essentially put your poo bag in and then carry around with you for the rest of the walk. And my husband thinks this is the most disgusting thing ever, but I love it because it means I don't have to carry a poo bag around with me for the rest of the walk. As a fairly new dog, only Makita, I just wondered what your opinion was on this. Is it gross or is it kind of handy?
Well, it's really sweet. I really feel everyone's trying to bring me into the parenting conversation. Thank you. Yes, there's a new dog owner. Thank you. It's nice to have someone to relate to. I've got those bags. It's just also horrible, isn't it? I just hate dealing with it. But those bags, the bags I have are odored. So, they smell fine, but I'm like, I can't hold them for more than two seconds. So, I just find a bin. Don't track it in your handbag. Don't track it in my handbag.
I like that you've got a cock as spaniel as well. Are they, is she going to be nuts forever? Please tell me. It makes you realise how quickly you become kind of immune to it. Because, you know, when people have babies, you're like, my God, it's a snappy. And I mean, it's been two months with the dog. I don't even notice anyone. I'm just like, poo, done, out, go, chk, dapp.
You just become like a poo production line, don't you, really? So, I think if anything's preparing me for the pooing of a toddler and a baby, imagine I get how intense that is, more now. So, thank you, Zeddy. Can we have our last question for Listen Bitch today, please? Hi, William McKee-Hop. This is Michelle from Long Island. Who is like the biggest topic of
conversation? And it's such a good one because there's so many different avenues. Your gut is directly related to how you feel, whether it's mental health or physical health or all of these things. But there's nothing more stressful than like having a poo problem. How do you feel about this and something that I just learned? There is this thing called poo transplant. Obviously, it's not what it's called. We basically take someone else's poo and put it exactly where you think.
And if you haven't heard of this, look it up. It's very interesting. But how would you feel if someone told you they could cure all your problems by putting someone else's poo inside of you? K, love that dog. K, goodbye. Wait, well, so what they, this poo is transplanted from one person to another. I'm looking it up. Yeah, but how do you pick who's poo you want? That's like, picking someone's sperm to make a child. I mean, how do you decide? I just can't. Is it like the
placenta thing where you can send your placenta off and they make it into pills? It's donations, apparently. Donations. What are you doing this afternoon? I'm just going off to tonight, some of my ship babes, you know, just in my bit. Got to do my part. Interesting though, but it would cure or help people with bacterial issues and how much would you eat your sandwich for? Now I've actually thought about this. No, I'm not joking. What is your number?
Because in times of my career being in the dull dream dead out like, not in Ville, I've been asked to do I'm a celebrity. Yeah, I got that call. Yeah, that's hi, check. Every year for like six years, thanks. And I always said no for reasons of like just like, self-work. Hey, don't knock it. I like I'm a celebrity. I'd go online with celebrity. I don't want to be on TV that badly and I don't even mean eating the weird shit. I just don't, I don't put myself
through all that torture of shit. Anyway, don't want to eat a kangaroo ball. I'm just not being asked now. Weirdo. This is why the shit sandwich thing came up for me because I was like, I don't know how disgusting I'd find half this stuff on I'm a celebrity. Like, kangaroo ball, no, I wouldn't really care like whatever. But human like a mighty white sandwich. Just can't be how much. What is your number? Everyone's got a number. Okay, I really want to buy my flat. So maybe,
how much of a 12 to eat? The whole thing. Oh, layers, five million. Five two million. Two million. I won't go down anymore. Okay, I got a million. I've got a million pounds. It's dressed over there. I'll give it to you if you eat a shit sandwich. A million pounds. Tax free. Okay. You had me at tax free. Honestly, I did this for you. If all I had a good time, I got to stop talking about Pooner. Okay. Thank you. Everyone for being so open and sharing their shit with us
today. And that is the last pun of today's Listen Bitch Poo episode. What pretell is next week's subject? You threw out some whoppers when we were chatting the other day and I was like, save them, save them. Holy shit, is it my go? Yes. Oh no. Well, you know that's that one I liked. Yeah. Okay. I got it. The theme for next week's Listen Bitch is... Sabotage. Sabotage. I am a self-sabotager. I'm going to have so many stories for you.
Yes. Drop that just in time. Nice one, Will. I'm not really a saboteur, but I have been saboteurred. I'll get the wording right for next week. Sorry. Are you fucking serious? You think that you're not a self-saboteur? Okay. Sure. Now I am lying. She sees right through me. She knows me so well. I love all of that. I love all of that. I love all of that. I love all of that. And that's how we end this week's Listen Bitch. Please send us your voice notes on how you were a dirty
little saboteur. Or maybe not how you were criminally saboteurred by another. Oh, 8,030, 40, 90. Nice. And that, my friends, is what they call teamwork. Bye! Bye! Thanks for listening to Miss Me with Lily Allen and Mahita Oliver. This is a Percephonic production for BBC Sounds. If you're affected by anything in this episode and you want more support, you can go to BBC.co.uk forward slash action line. Box return bouncer Viv Graham was one of the Northeastern's most notorious hard men.
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