¶ Redefining Masculinity Through Mental Wellness
Hi Mindful Partners , and welcome to this interesting episode of Mindfully with Sumishe . Okay , so , before I even go into the details of who I have here this day , you know , if you have not registered for a Fight for Life event , a day event for men , a retreat for men that Mindfully to put it together in november , please do so .
And , like I said , we're having conversations with men to highlight how men's mental health is a conversation we should be having now . So , yeah , register , register , register .
It's almost here and it looks like my people , we are the ones in the forefront of this thing , because last week he had Moses Ayanoro , english studio of Blue Room Care , and today I have a social worker did you hear that ? Did you hear that ? A social worker who started , not in Nigeria , in India . He's not been in Nigeria . He's well .
He just got back to Nigeria . So he was in Nigeria , he was in India for nine years and he's also from Iketi State . Come on , yes , I'm proud . Yeah , I'm proud . Hi , paul Fadumo , how are you today ? I'm good , thank you . Oh no , not on this show . You can't say you're good , how are you today ?
Well , I am getting better .
Okay , thank you very much All right .
Thank you for having me .
Oh , welcome Again , guys . It's been a long time . You guys heard this . For the first time in what long time , I have a guest actually in the studio and we're having tea , coffee and biscuits . Yay , if you've missed that , I've missed it . So I have paul here and we're having coffee today . What are we talking about today , you might be wondering .
I will , uh , get to that in a moment , because you'll know that we're preparing for a fight for life and we've been talking about mental health and we started planning way back like way back in June .
The conversations have been interesting , people coming to the table , and I have learned , not just as a lady but also as a mental health advocate , to speak with men and not to men . And today , only show paul and I are going to be talking living beyond toughness and Redefining Masculinity Through Mental Wellness .
So where I'm going to start from is your years as a social worker , starting as a social worker in India . How do you want to compare that experience with the way we talk about mental health in Nigeria ? Yes , I went there straight .
You know it's a very difficult question and I think we should also get ready to answer such questions today . Today , I mean in this current dispensation , you see , in India . Meanwhile , I have not lived in India only for nine years , but I've lived between the UAE and India for nine years .
Oh nice , yes , so I've been shuffling from the UAE and India for nine years , oh nice . Yes , so I've been shuffling from . The UAE was more like home for me while I studied in India . Okay , yeah , for five years . So in India , people talk about mental health issues openly .
Really .
Yes .
I'm shocked .
Yeah , because there are organizations , mostly NGOs , who are the forefront of the fight and I'm deliberate about calling it a fight because , to an extent , there are so many aspects of our culture that's similar with that of India , right , in terms of close affiliation or affinity with family .
So I think it's probably more pronounced in India that family have great influence on every individual , compared to Nigeria we are . When it comes to that , we are , you know , we've adopted a lot of westernization mixed with our culture . I said Nigerians are fighting three cultures .
How do you mean by that ?
We are fighting with the colonizers , the British .
Okay .
We are seriously adopting that of the lifestyle of the Americans . True All right , and then our own identity . So a lot of Nigerians are going back to look at what does it take to be a Nigerian . You know what does it mean to be a Yoruba man Like . I had to live among the Arabs for me to identify .
You know the meaning of who a Yoruba man is All my life while I was in Nigeria . It just doesn't matter to me . So it means I have to see other people appreciate whatever they have , you know , and seriously immersed in it for me to begin to look at . I have something very , very rich compared to what these people have .
So when I say a lot of nigerians are looking back , I am among them and I am 43 I'm among them , okay , so , ah , you want to pull me into this conversation , because if we go on an identity question conversation for nigerians and africans and all that , trust me , you could get me talking for hours , because it's as I said , um , we are in .
I always say people that were in transition as a people , and the way you've just put it now that we are fighting three cultures , just gave me some clarity . Thank you , thank you , thank you . I'm going to have to get you back here to come and talk about that , because that's also part of being mentally agile , because we deceive ourselves . I don't know what .
I said distance , but yes , we are resilient , and then we think that is our national identity , where you know , we are resilient people and we think that that is what . But how does that affect the way we relate with ourselves , with , uh , people , with other people , how we're seeing outside of nigeria and all of that ?
so there's a conversation , paul . It is a conversation for another let me say .
Let me say this .
I think Nigerians are a fighting people . So , beyond being resilient , we are resilient Compared to any other culture that I've seen and , trust me , I've seen a few but we are also . An average Nigerian has been built to be a bully , a mini bully in it , in him or herself .
You know , I'm sorry , I'm taking you away from the topic yes , you're taking me away from your company .
You're taking me to another very comfortable , comfortable place . I like to sit . Oh my , paul , don't pull me . This is a conversation . I don't know you're going to come back Because we have to talk about that . Yes , we've created mini bullies .
Virtually everybody , whether we know it or not , unfortunately , most of us aren't even conscious of it .
oh my , do you know ? You just gave , you just gave flesh to something in my head I always call in nigerian , a special nigerian form of nepotism . You know , kind of the thing , you know , you know , you know that is what it is , isn't it ? Yes , that is what feeds the mini-bullism . There's no one like that , guys . But you get what I'm saying .
I got you .
But then in India there are organizations . I'm trying to go back to the original question . In India there are organizations I mean you would have probably hundreds of universities and colleges offering social work as a program , whereas in Nigeria , at the time I left , in 2024, .
I mean , yes , I didn't know any institution that was offering social work , but I later learned that I think UNN and the University of Ilorin were already offering social work as a degree program . So I think right now there are probably still under 10 institutions in Nigeria offering social work as a degree .
You know , when you said it , I said if I had had , you know , if I had had a choice , you know , at life , if I had had a choice yes , let's not even go into that conversation right now , but if I had had a choice at life , because somebody will say there's always a choice .
But I will explain that one thing If I had had a choice at life , life I probably would have chosen social work , because I remember , when I was trying to look for what to study , I think I wanted to do I wanted to do psychology and sociology . Um , so yeah , social work would have been right there . And I'm getting back to it .
Actually , that's what I'm doing now , isn't it ?
I actually registered . I got admitted to the University of Ibadan for psychology and then I have to drop out because it's just wasn't what I was looking for . Then I go to anyway , let me .
Oh , my , this conversation , okay , guys , Okay , let's get back to the fight for life . You have to keep catching me . I'll try .
The reason it's difficult for me to catch you is because it's a conversation I also want to have , so I , I , I want , yeah , caught you is because it's a conversation I also want to have , so I , I want , yeah , to share your professional all right , uh , oh , okay , let's , let's , let's talk about we're going to talk about , you know , or living beyond toughness
¶ Challenging Masculine Expectations and Labels
. Everybody knows that we hear when we talk about masculinity . You hear words like tough , strong and , of course , this little time you've had with me , you know that I have . So let me ask you , as a man , how do words like this tough , strong impact expectations around men's mental health ?
Well , you see , as a layman , as a Nigerian , if you ask me , I would say it is normal to be tough , you know , to be manly , but now , as a social worker , I also don't want to wear those um , those labels as a man , yes so , um , normally if you , if you say someone is tough , our parents , the men in our lives , we know them to be tough .
You know , I remember . Sorry , I always like to Go ahead .
It's okay . It's okay , make examples .
So I remember growing up in a kitty . We my family house is one of the few houses that has TV does this . So when my dad is coming , you hear his vehicle pow , pow from outside . Everybody would run away and quickly turn off the TV . So today , I mean in those days , he would be . That's what makes a man that you're in charge , you're in control .
You know , and every Nigerian wants to be in control , wherever you are , whether in the bedroom or whether in the office . If there are women who wants to be known as being tough , and we respect them for being that , all right . But people like me now can see beyond the Label no , not the label . No , not the label . It's like the shell .
When you say shell , what's the shell here now ?
The shell is that person . That is presumably tough .
The mask , the mask Okay .
And then look at , I'm able to also see the implication of that on the people they interact and relate with . Because you don't , you cannot be in your room and be tough . You are tough when you are relating with people . You are tough with your children . You are tough with your colleagues . You are tough with people that you are subordinates , right ?
What is the implication for them ?
wow , wow . This is the conversation that , um , okay , so I run away from labels , but the truth is we still have to label things for us to be able to get the proper identification and all of that , this experience that you just shared . Now , I'm sure most people are age 40 to 45 to 50 had it .
When your father knocks , you know to scamper , you know how it sounds , you know the , you know the distinct sound of his horn , you know how it works . As a matter of fact , I know when my mother is turning the key or was turning the key in the keyhole . I knew different than when my father was turning the key .
So let's talk about this personal experiences , and you know what's . What is personal experience ? Where you've had to challenge , or how would I put it now Redefine , your own understanding of masculinity . What's the special experience ?
okay , so let me quickly do , uh , more like a definition of what I call traditional masculinity . Okay , so it refers to a set of cultural and social expectations about how men should think , behave and express themselves . Okay , so it could be . What is the expected outlook of a Nigerian man , of an African child ?
You know what are your dispositions supposed to be . So the society already expects you to behave in a particular way , and when you don't , it is labeled as something else well , it's that .
That means it's out , of , it's a deviation from the norm , and then you are not normal .
you're not so , um , if you look at my whatsapp , if you look at my WhatsApp status , I heard there that I am atypical . I don't describe myself as normal Because I'm not influenced by the things that people do generally . I deliberately if everybody is going this way , I deliberately look for an alternative yeah , why is that what birthed that ?
probably because of those experiences growing up , probably because studying those who had those dispositions , people who behaved like that , you know what's the impact on the world today , what's the impact in my life and the people that I can see in my immediate environment .
So , like I was talking about my dad , or your dad or our dad , I don't want to become that kind of a father . So this is something that I am consciously aware of .
I was talking to someone yesterday and I said I have deliberately carved out my life that this is the kind of person I want to be , whether with my woman , whether with friends , whether with colleagues , it doesn't matter what you think . So I am conscious .
So in most cases and this is where it becomes , where it gets bad , and this is why I also stopped blaming people , because most people are not conscious of it , they're not aware , do you understand ? So since I walk into this studio , you've been talking to me in a particular way and naturally I'm processing it . I'm thinking what kind of a person is this ?
All right , and you know the things you are saying is having impact in me , is telling me something . So every encounter that we have with people , there is a message , there's something we live with that person , good or bad , negative or positive , do you understand ? So this is not just people having an impression of you .
If it's just having an impression of you who cares .
This is people having an experience of you . This is people having an experience of you . It is you living a part of you with them , which could either make them better or worse .
Oh , my Okay , you guys know that I'm really , I'm really very quiet , but what Paul is doing to me right now , I'm really very quiet . This , this I'm doing is usually all . I is usually all I do , wow , okay .
So , in the light of all that is going , again , I don't like labels , but for the sake of this conversation , we have Sigma , male , alma , male and all of these , you know , labels that we have created for men .
How do these labels impede or impact on how a man sees himself or relates to himself from your own , especially as a social worker , and personality , especially as a social worker , and personally too ?
ok , now let me tell you something that's sensitive . This is personal . Growing up , I perceived that I wasn't as fast as other boys . I wasn't , um , you know if you , because I grew up in a kit . I spent probably the first 20 , 19 to 20 years of my life purely in a kit , so I went to the farm almost every day .
So there are times when there would be , you know , portions would be given to you , would be given to individuals we put help on them for that exactly what you're doing .
Yeah , yeah , because at that time it was still owned , so they would give you yes , yes , they would give you a portion of land to farm and give you a seat . Yeah , don't worry it will happen .
Now . This is every day you go to farm . They give you a portion . It could be two laps , so if you are boys or men of the same age , equal two laps . So what I found is that most people will be ahead of me in terms of space , I mean pace will be ahead of me In terms of space , I mean pace .
But this is also something that I had to discover personally , which others my parents , didn't notice , was that I did my job far better than every other person .
But it was slow , according to them , even , but it was slow according to them , even though it was slow .
Yeah , so if I clear this room , you can probably say let's just clear the grass and lie down on it . Meanwhile , if you do so on those portions done by others , you would have bruises . So now , if I compare that to the world today , you would have bruises . So now , if I compare that to the world today , people look at alpha .
Sigma and all the yes .
So what's your disposition ? You know what can we see ? What can ? How much of impression are you making ? Right so people are looking at all the outlooks but not the details , but not the details . Not that ? That's why I , personally , am fascinated , uh , by people who are dead , rather than people who are just everywhere I know exactly what you mean .
You know , and , and just so , you , you know the power , you know it's such a work , you know that , the power of shared experiences , yeah , you know how that goes , all right . So I'd always say to my friends that I , that I'm rubbish . But if I said on this show I'm mathematically challenged , yeah , and I was .
Yeah , most of my primary school reports since we are being personal here , so there's going to be a little bit of a personal conversation here most of my primary school reports would read oh , to me she is intelligent . Only if she called Judas , only if she would not laugh too much .
In fact , there was one who said to me she's English , she's rubbish , get her . You know , it was that bad . Just last week . Just last week , a friend came to my house and I just felt like , okay , let me you guys think I joke when I say this .
So I brought up my primary school results and then I showed it to her and she said oh , the this term , this term , you were that's how much in detail the kind of person she is this term . Last time you did well in math , primary three , you did well in math . So what happened ? Just a term , it's just a term to me . What happened ?
And I said , okay , hold on . What was that ? Primary three , I was six , and then she and I just looked at ourselves . There you go , because six was the first time I was first sexually molested , all right .
So apparently , apparently , just I'm telling you , paul , just last week , apparently , what happened was I just lost , you know , interest in anything , and then I became this slow girl .
I became this girl that was intelligent but not connected to anything , and then I sat down at the shotgun and I started looking at the reports and I'm like , oh , and it didn't get better until I got to secondary school , which , I've said over and over on this show , was my same heaven .
So the power of shared experience is what I'm going to , what's going to lead to the next question . I'm going to ask now If we could redefine strength tough , you know you strong and not as an ability to endure pain silently , because what it means right now is well , uh , I'm tough , so I have the ability to endure pain silently .
So , as a social worker , if we're going to redefine that , what you think would be redefining it as ?
I think , um , I think pain is a natural phenomenon , true , just like fear is . You know , I was telling a friend , as I was on my way here , just typed on WhatsApp I said I am a little bit nervous .
Okay .
And it's okay , little bit nervous . Okay , and it's okay to be nervous , it's okay to feel pain and share , okay , so Go ahead , it's free .
This is a safe space . Go ahead . Go ahead , go free . I can see that you're holding back . It's fine , it is okay , let me throw it back at you . It is okay to share .
¶ Embracing Emotional Vulnerability in Men
So I lost someone that is there to me and you know , many people have died in my family my grandparents , virtually all of them have died , remaining one . But I lost someone earlier this year and to us , man , because this was someone that was um , because this was someone that was dear to me , very , very dear , you know .
I don't want to go .
It's okay , but it broke me , you know , like never before . I've gone through a lot , I've seen many things in life , but losing that person is something that you know I feel I have healed , you know , because I don't deny the pain , as in I cried like a baby in the hospital and even after that , sometimes I would just be in my bitumen .
I would be standing for 30 minutes just standing there alone , imagining thinking about this person , thinking about how much I miss that person . I miss that person and , you know , sometimes I would just sit down alone in my bed and cry .
The reason I'm saying this is that there are people when you go to maybe when you go visit people who have lost someone in Nigeria , people will say I'm sorry to speak Yoruba , it's okay , you're a man , you don't cry .
It's okay to cry , I mean , if you feel like that , because the truth is that it's painful to lose someone that you love , that you care about . The truth is that it's painful to lose someone that you love , that you care about . So Expressing is okay , even for men .
You know , and I'm believing that A lot of people would listen to this and probably Some of them would be going through difficult situations . I just want them to know that you are not meant to deal alone .
You are not meant to you know people talk about being self-reliant .
Yeah , it's okay , Maybe good on CV , but in reality it is not natural . You are not meant to survive alone . You are not meant to carry your problems alone . It is Abnormal and that's why people break that they don't get repaired .
Ah , yikes .
Because I feel nature does not even allow that . We human beings are supposed to be interdependent . Supposed to be interdependent , we are supposed to have people one or two , if not many , that you can trust , that you can say I want to cry , I just feel like crying .
You see , one thing that social work does I mean did to me is that me and my classmates were just seven , we can just go to a coffee shop and sit down in a place like this cozy , and we sit down on the floor . You know there are places like that in India , you know , and nobody will disturb you . We can bring our mobile speaker .
Really , yeah , we can play video . We watch videos together , we cry together . I I mean , it's okay . People would argue and hold you , make you feel like it is okay , even when it is not okay you know what ?
you're giving me ideas of what to do at a fight for life . I thought I had ideas to make men bond , but men , because I can imagine that . I can imagine that if we have places , you know where we I know that we have some coffee shops in Nigeria and all that , but they're not earthy . Am I making sense ? They're not zen . They're not earthy .
Am I making sense ? They're not zen ? Yes , they're not earthy , you're not zen . You can't just sit there and you know , I feel like , if we have that , and sometimes when we are going through , uh , when we're going through , we want to leave the familiar .
So , if my home is familiar , for example , in this case , I want to go somewhere where I can disconnect from the familiar , to reconnect to the familiar . And , oh , what's just said ? Now , I wish we had it .
It is okay not to be okay sometimes , but let's talk to , or let's speak to how to embrace this vulnerability , because a lot of men and I know that people think that women talk a lot , but I know for a fact that it's even difficult for women to be extremely vulnerable , even with because there's still this oh , how would she perceive me ?
How would they perceive me , what's going to happen after we leave here ? So , but since we're speaking about men right now , how ? Why do you think that emotional vulnerability is still seen as a ?
weakness in men , because it is . It is actually a weakness for everyone .
Oh , wow , okay guys , paul is cooling me , but I'm gonna take care , please take me , so that I think it is actually a weakness .
But the question is , do you want to admit to be weak ? So I , I do . I , I told them , I think I told the lady until the guy you are dating , until your husband is willing to be vulnerable to you , he doesn't love you I'm sorry to to guys who listen to this , because somebody is going to say because I've asked that question .
¶ Navigating Self-Acceptance and Growth
I was on a show and then the host asked me that you think that women are part of the people that allow men to be vulnerable ?
And I said yes , or preventing them to be vulnerable .
Preventing them to be vulnerable . And I said yes because what you said now , how many women in your work in Nigeria will actually be comfortable to see their men cry ? Because again we go back to conditioning . We've been conditioned that men are supposed to be tough and strong and all that .
So how do we work around this reality and narrative that we have , Paul ?
How do we work around this reality and narrative that we have ? Paul ? Well , it's just admitting that we're all not that strong and we're , all you know , on this journey , on this journey to health , to wellness . You know that we are not whole , that we're not perfect , and it's okay not to be perfect because we are .
I mean , we're not meant to be perfect in the first place . So why do I want to kill myself or why do I worry over who I am , which is an imperfect being Okay ? So the fact that you expect me to be perfect is your problem over who I am , which is an imperfect being Okay . So the fact that you expect me to be perfect , it's your problem , not mine .
Fair enough , fair enough , fair enough .
Yeah . So because we care , we worry about what will they think ? Oh , you know , I can . I , as a man , how can I be crying in front of these people ? How can I , you know , share my story of vulnerability in public and otherwise ? Nowadays I don't pay a lot of attention to social media because there's a lot of fake .
There are a lot of spouses whose home is nothing to write home about , but yet they paint this picture of beauty , of perfection . So it is okay , like I said earlier , it is okay not to be okay , but you have to admit it that I am not okay .
Yes , oh my God .
That way you can help , you can receive help and be helped . You know , see , I was talking to someone yesterday who is a nurse by profession . I was saying that because nurses and social workers , our trainees , have a lot of similarities . And I'm saying that we are in position of power . So get this . We are in position of power , these get this .
We are in position of power vis-a-vis those in need . So if your husband is vulnerable and you are strong at that time , you are in the position of power . And if it's your wife that is vulnerable or somebody that is vulnerable , you are in the position of power . So what do you use the power to do ?
Heal .
Or kill .
Yeah , yeah , oh , okay , like I said , police schooling I'm enjoying it . You don't get where I'm enjoying it , and it feels good to hear it from someone else than inside my head . So , yes , it does feel good . Okay , so let's speak to suicide , and I was not going to go there . But wait , wait .
Your analogy about accepting that we can't , we can't be perfect , sounded to me like a panacea to suicide .
Sounded to me and I'll explain because I'm a survivor , okay , and I know that the last attempt , what I did after writing my goodbye letter , you know , I looked at that goodbye letter and I saw that I had not done my wishes were still in that letter , and I had to say to myself what you said not just resonated with me that okay , that's , that's what
happened to me , say you . You got to a place that you embraced your imperfections and it was easy for you to navigate through and then get to this point where you're holding other people's hand . That's what , what you just said right now , that's what it did to mine .
So there's some neuroplasticity going on in my head right now and I'm like oh , okay , that's what happened to you , to me . So I'm thinking if we in the place of self-care in the place of self-compassion that we all preach right now .
How do we get to that point where we can personally remove , be safe enough , if you have any tips to see , if you don't remove our masks to ourselves , not to others , to ourselves , so that we get to that point that you just talked about , accepting that we can't be perfect ? Do you have any tips on that ?
okay . So , um , the place of acceptance is is the place of acceptance is the place of strength .
So , normally , when people are going through all kinds of things or difficult situations , most especially , okay , let me , since we're talking about men , let's take a typical example A man , one of the role , you know , a typical Nigerian or African man is supposed to occupy is that he's a provider .
So now let's assume that there is this man who find himself in a position where he couldn't provide , for whatever reason . Okay , so the first thing he starts to think about is that he's failing , and in reality , he's failing or failed so it's not like we shouldn't say he did not fail oh yes how do we go on from here ?
simple ah word meets , that's meat . So now the the people in his life Ah Word Meats , that's meats .
So now , the people in his life , his companion , for instance , his spouse we know that you have failed , okay , but what can we do ? Because failing is not the last bus stop . There is always , you know , option , there is always an alternative . So that point where that person is able to come to a realization that , okay , I am not doing well in this area .
You see , um , that I've taken many personality tests . In fact that's what drew , drew me to social work right after understanding myself . But it's also a painful , long journey that most people can't dare to take the risk , because I had to start from the scratch , as in , I had to start from zero , including coming back to Nigeria .
So now , how many people are willing to do that ? It's crazy . So , do you want to be crazy ?
Pardon the pun , that it's crazy , it's so . Do you want to be crazy ? Pardon the porn . You know this personality thing that you said there . Let me tell you how crazy this is .
For the longest time you know I would take when I became aware of personality tests maybe around the two , around 2005 , 2006 I'll take personality tests and workshops and then it will come back everything . I'm almost 25 , or you know , and then I remember uh , it was the one who said no to me , so you've seen these questions before .
I'm like this is this particular one you're giving to me ? I'm seeing for the first time and how can you know yourself as much ? You have to form and I've always believed that this personality thing , we're on a spectrum . Nobody is totally extroverted or introverted . We're on a spectrum .
The truth is , we can change ourselves .
We can change ourselves , until I found the Mayor Briggs .
Permit me , we cannot change others , but individuals can change themselves , because some of the things that is causing the greatest danger to men today is because there are people in their life who wants to change them .
So they keep preaching to them that you are supposed to be this , you are supposed to be here , you are supposed to do this , you are supposed to be that . It is only the man . The man now is that you are the only one that can change yourself . Please continue , I'm sorry it's okay .
It's okay , don't worry , we're having a conversation . So until I found the mayor briggs of the 16th personality , and when I did my I do it almost every six months or every other year now , you know I found that that was IFNJ . I felt like home , you know , and it began to give me clarity to who Tumishe is , why Tumishe is like this and all of that .
So , would you say , you know , when you're talking about personal descending or people changing people , would you say that self-awareness is the first key to get into that point of acceptance .
It is , it is the beginning uh stage , because , see , it's about uh . I mean , um , well-being and mental health has to do with accepting and loving yourself , and I believe personally that you cannot love what you do not know oh , say that again say that again you cannot love what you do not know . So if you don't know yourself , how do you accept yourself ?
How do you know ? How do you love yourself ? See , I understand my weaknesses so much that I don't worry about them anymore . I know right . So I rather focus on those areas of my strength . Remember the story I told you about my walking in the farm ? I know that I am good at doing things very well .
So you might score me low on pace , but in terms of quality I believe it . So I'm not going to go struggle where I am not strong . I'd rather focus my little energy , this little light of mine . I'd rather let it shine where I have the strength .
Okay .
But how do you get there if you don't know yourself ?
Please repeat what you said . How do you love what you do not know ? Yes , oh my . I could just close this conversation on that , but I won't . Because , because , because , and the only reason I'm not closing on that because I want you to give a word . Say one thing to men who listen to this , or struggling with the weight of traditional masculinity .
If you had anything to say to them , what would you say ?
I would say your experiences , the things you've been through , the things you have done good or bad they culminate into making you . I have a mentee in India . She was my classmate , but much younger . Almas was her name and I would say , almas , your story is your story . There's no need to be ashamed of who you are .
There's no need Carry yourself , be proud , be bold . Like my stories , they are part of me . I've written a book about that has a little bit of my story and I keep sharing . I keep talking about my story and experience it .
You are going to give us a link , because that's the show notes . Go ahead so .
I want this man to know that your story is unique to you and it's part of the things that make you you . There's no need to reject the person that you are , but it's also important that you stop , if you have not already done that . That you stop and ask yourself where am I going ? Who am I ? Where do I want to go ?
What do I want to make with this life ? Do you want to go ? What do I want to make with this life ? Do you want to create a new generation ? There was a generation where the men would bully everybody in the house . They didn't love . People don't love them . They fear them . Is that the kind of man you want to be ? You know who do you want to be .
In essence , I feel like every man is capable of doing this . We are capable of recreating ourselves , but if you don't do this , there is no room for vacuum . So the world will give you a label . They will give you assignment . They will give you responsibilities because we will give you assignment .
They will give you responsibilities because you have failed to own your life and to take responsibility and accountability for your life .
Oh , paul , thank you so much , and this is this is an open invitation for you to be at a fight for life , because I think I know the men need to hear your story . We'll talk about that right after the show . Thank you so much . What's the title of your book , please ?
It's my Experiments with Common Sense .
Oh wow . You see , there's a reason why they say it gives people no book . I don't know people no book . You see , now you're seeing my experiment with common sense . We'll share the link . Just check the show notes and we'll share the link . Thank you so much , paul , for doing this .
It's my pleasure .
And of course we're going to have to talk about that identity question .
We are going to come back here .
Drink more tea . We didn't touch the biscuits because , hey , and I thank you so much Ayimofa Onufade , who connected Paul and I , and of course , you hear about Mofi's couch more and more . Ayimofa is going to be here on the show so soon before we do A Fight for Life .
A Fight for Life is a day retreat for men , and the reason we call it A Fight for Life is because we know that men have a tendency attended . The statistics say that men are more suicidal and then tend to carry it out more than women do . All right , and we want to start speaking to that and start giving men permission to feel . So .
If you have not registered , just about you know we just have about what ? Maybe 10 or 20 , uh , six to go now . If you have not registered , just about you know , we just have about maybe 10 or 20 , 6 to go now . If you have not registered , please register , and it's a ticketed event , of course .
Register and then we'll get back to you on how to be part of .
Do you know that verbal abuse destroys men more than it does to women ? In fact , women can go through it for years and nothing significant would happen to them , but men , it would destroy them literally .
Okay , so we're going to have verbal clean words at a fight for life , and again I'm rubbing Paul in . He's going to be there , he's going to speak
¶ Gratitude for Women Leading Men's Wellness
. Thank you so much , paul .
Thank you for having me . I am very grateful for what you are doing here . It's enlightening , thank you , and I am grateful that we have women like you who are leading the fight for survival , especially on the side of men . You know , we tend to pretend to be strong , but indeed we're not . Thank you .
Thank you so much , paul . You know how I end this Love yourself , love your neighbor , love your country . Above all of this , love God . He is the essence of your being . Until next time , and maybe I'll repeat this episode twice . It's that good . Be curious .