¶ Introduction: Setting the Stage
Hi Mindful Partners , and welcome to another episode of Mindfully with Tumishi , rounding off the conversation last week . Well , a solo chat .
Last week , when I asked if face was a crutch , I did say that I was going to have an amazing conversation this week for you with someone , and the person that will be sitting on the other side of my mic is someone that you would want to listen to . What happens when you strip away the stories , the titles and the headlines ?
Who remains at the core In this deeply reflective two-part conversation I sit with , dear coach Lara yes , lara Kudaisi Don Momo , not just to revisit her journey that is public knowledge and if you know her , you know her story already , right , but to uncover the who , the woman , beyond the experiences , experiences . This isn't the interview you've seen before .
I can assure you that this is Lara raw , thoughtful and unfiltered . And in part two , of course , the tables turn . She's been itching to ask me questions and that will come on the second part of this conversation , but for now , I welcome you to the first part of this conversation with lara kudaisi don momo , a conversation like no other on mindfully with tamshe .
Enjoy to me , she enjoy , yeah , really yeah , totally agree what you agreed . What are you agreeing to ? Okay , all right . So , guys , as you can see , we we're now starting Mindfully to Michigan the way we started all the time use a bigger cup , and the first thing I said that in the last episode when I said is faith a crutch ?
When .
I asked that question and we had it was a solo chat that I had someone . The person that was going to be sitting on the other side for this episode is a powerful person and I don't even know what to say . My mouth is big but I'll say welcome , omo la rakuta . Is it done , mama ? Thank you .
Omo la rakuta . Omo la rakuta . Oh my goodness , thank you so much . I feel honored being here .
Okay , this is the second person using honor alongside my name . What you guys mean really when you say honor ? Yeah , because I don't see what you guys are saying .
Um , hmm , oh , timmy , you want to take me there to . You want to take me there , you want to take me there , you know . So you know this , have always seen you yeah um , you're just remember your birthday , did you see it ?
I sent it to you afterwards yes , yeah , I said I don't have the words , yeah that's it , like you're just a bundle of awesomeness oh , you know , and that awesomeness is dark , deep dirty thank you for saying that dark , yes dark , yeah dirty yeah , and I , that's a fair , that's a fair , very , very fair , um description of me .
You know I sometimes I write to my friends who are used to my craziness and I'll say , um , what would you write if I die ? Or that's the doc , don't wait for me , let me read it now .
Some of them I used to , some of them just go , like you know , but I have a couple of people that and who would answer honestly and and I've gotten a couple of pushbacks when I talk about death as if , but I leave as if I'm dead anyways , because that's the last bus stop for everyone .
So we're going to end up this early . No , you went there . You go to bed .
You ask me , you ask me questions so I am going to stay away from all that everybody knows about Romola and we're just going to have a conversation today . Yeah , we're just going to have , I really , because I think that behind all of that story , people miss the person .
Yep , people miss the person and I would be honored if you know you can come unravel with this conversation . And the first question I'll be asking is I don't remember . You can also ask me questions .
I think , yeah , she is a team , but we can't say anything .
Oh , yeah , yeah , yeah , she's fine . Oh , she's fine , she heard ?
No , we won't ask him about the podcast .
Oh yeah , we can say anything we can . We can . That's good , that's very good . So when you think about the woman you were before your healing journey and the woman you are today , what is the most surprising shift of your inner dialogue ?
I know Pukse Mese asked the best questions . The body , body , spirit , spirit . Welcome Shift in a dialogue yes . I feel in charge now . It's surprising . It's shocking .
Why .
Because back then I used to feel like I had no say in life's events my events , my life's event . It's shocking . It's surprising . Then I felt more like things have been decided for me . Oh , wow , yeah , things have happened , or happening like I have no choice , yeah , so it's shocking .
I like this conversation , cause I haven't thought this deep in a long time . It's shocking to see me making decisions now , being this boss , lady , and all of that Because just not long ago , I was being like , oh hey , okay , is this what we're doing now ? Oh , you want me to do this ? Oh great , oh okay and oh okay .
And I think it was an identity crisis and I am the firstborn and I've never liked it . I always felt like I'm too fragile to be the firstborn . I felt like I needed guidance , I needed somebody to hold my hand . So when I saw her , I remember , like a family friend of mine , my dad . Just we just moved to a new place and Tisha brought two people .
I just got like you know my dad's new friend and his children and the two older boys were you know , the boys were older than me . I grabbed to them in my life and you know some of the decisions I made them good and bad was all the advice that he gave me .
So I I don't know where it came from , but I never felt like I could actually do something right be the driver in your life . Yeah , yeah I always felt like I needed advice , I needed guidance , I needed . I didn't think that I could oh my god , so much what I don't know I'm sorry .
You know I'm a journalist and a coach , yeah , so I think , yeah , yeah difference .
Now that's the shift . Now it's like these days , I just decide and I follow the decision . So that's the back . Then it was like so what's going to happen today ?
well , what am I going ?
to do . Okay , I'll wait for this person to tell me what to do , to do . Let me see where life will take me with this person , or that person , or this journey , this course , this subject .
Yeah , yeah , yeah , I get that . That would lead me to asking the emotions or beliefs that you had to unlearn before the inner dialogue changed
¶ What Happens When We Remove the Masks?
the greatest was that I'm not a second hand okay , okay . So maybe you will ask the question , maybe when you , when you ask any questions , what I ? I don't think that anything that happened to me ever defined me .
That's why you are this , that's why you are like this . That's why that's why you are this .
You know I never truly , but what you're saying is making me think I never truly went to that place where I'll say why me ? Never . What did I do , though I would ask what did I do to get me into this place ? I would ask that , but I never got to the point where I was . Why me ? Did I have identity issues ?
Yes , daddy issues and all that , but I truly , and to be fair , I think that , even with the craziness that had my dad , that self-picture came from him . Funny enough enough , my father owns a shirt I owned , so I saw him own it , and maybe that's why yeah , so I think my case was because my father told me that I wasn't used to products .
Okay , guys , this conversation is gonna take a little , but these are two people on a healing journey let me put that out there first . This are two people on a healing journey and , for those who don't know , lara and I come way from Jesus . It's over 20 years and I've literally seen you grow .
I've literally seen you , but I don't even want to go there because , yeah , let's leave it . Let's think so again . Again . I'm going back to the beliefs . Yeah , I know , I know I can't . I can't literally feel the energy .
Yeah , so when you were able to embrace that new belief that you were not secondhand good , how has that helped you on the journey of being a healer ? I'm running away from the word coach because we have somehow bastardized the term . I get it and I think you're more a healer than yes , you're still a coach .
You're still your dear coach , lara , you know , but how has that helped you ?
That has helped me see myself . Prior to that , I never used to believe that I was beautiful . I never used to think that . I never used to think that . I never used to think I was enough . I felt like , if you remember me , I wore a lot of colours , very neon colours actually very neon colours . See when the term or trend of colour blocking king .
It was like yeah you know it was to say notice me , I'm here . I wore the shortest of skirts . I was the biggest of hearings , the biggest hair . I used to wear a lot of afro back then I remember I have some pictures of that . Oh , really , oh my goodness , yeah , you know so . Um , now I can literally look at myself naked .
You know that's one of the most difficult things to do Naked . I didn't used to like my body , but now I see I embrace my body Like , yeah , with nursed children . See this thawing . You know that's what I just see . If something happens Like , I can talk to it , I can hold it , I can love it , and that has also helped me better in sex .
Okay , we need to go there in sex . Okay , we need to go there .
Well , yeah , we go there , if we , if we don't talk about that , are you really to ?
me , yells at me , yells them to me here , even when we don't talk about that you know , so that that , as in I you know when you say it .
I see when people say , oh , I see you , but I see me , yeah , like I literally look at the mirror and see me .
How does that help you ? You seeing you in in identity school , for example ? How does that help you help others , you seeing you ?
okay . So seeing me means that I've recognized all my nuances , my quirks , my craziness , so that makes me comfortable in my skin , which I was never in the past never I always needed something extra , you know . So now that I can feel that I can help other people see , oh , because you know how good , like sorry , I'm a little .
You know apologize a lot , you don't need that . Sorry , I'm just a little court . Sorry , i'm'm just a little . We're trying to be polite . But no , don't apologise for being yourself .
You know why I rolled my eyes . Yeah , I don't know if I ever have been apologetic about to Michelle . I live , I just live , um , and not because I'm trying to be dismissive of other people or what they think of me and all that . I just I just don't . Let me not say I just don't care , I like it doesn't matter um , in the end .
So let's talk about this identity thing for a bit . In the end and I think that's where , for me , it was easy it was easy for me to just be in the end , how I saw myself was much more important than anything . Yes , I had questions , like I had real big questions . I , for a long time , I didn't think I was beautiful .
For the longest time , I would say , oh , just my eyes , I love my eyes , I love my eyes , I love my hair , um , and I was quite blase dismissive of how I looked . Because I didn't , and I know why . I honestly know why . I don't know if I want to talk about it now , but I honestly know why I did not give attention to how I look .
These days I'm doing more , but I'm so comfortable not being seen by others , but let's leave that Again . Like I said , I don't want to do sob , I want to talk healing and the journey going on . So my question then would be if healing were a language , sob , I want to talk healing and you know the journey going on , yeah .
So my question then would be if healing were a language , what words do you think people are missing in their vocabulary ?
hmm , you don't do it to me now , yeah let me put it this way what word ?
what do you think that someone who wants to start a healing journey should embrace the most ? Is that better ?
yes , thank you for coming to my life .
God bless you . You're welcome . Acceptance . We could stop this conversation here right now , and we've said everything . Why , though ?
acceptance of events , acceptance of self , acceptance of what could be or could not be or whatever , acceptance , just you . Just because we get stuck in , why me , why did this have to happen to me ? Like , or sometimes trying to change it in your head , you live in denial . It didn't happen . You know it was .
It wasn't that he loved me , he was just trying to . I just it was shush .
She said just accept it . Yeah , it's done . Okay , I'm going to just sit down . Are you ready for this ?
next question I don't think so , you don't think so yeah
¶ Encountering the Real Identity Beyond Experiences
don't think so .
You don't think so . So what part in this I I hope that you'll be able to unravel like really be vulnerable to share .
You know what part of your story , do you think people understand the most ? So a lot of the people these days that have known my story , they end that , oh , she got married , like that's a good thing . But that's not the whole thing , that's not the . That's like a cherry on the cake .
They misunderstand the cake the fact that I went from craving attention , craving acceptance , craving I belonging , belonging to being comfortable in my skin by myself and being alone . I've never been alone . I didn't know how to be alone . I needed people , I needed things , so I couldn't stand it it made me feel I needed things . So it was .
I couldn't stand it . It made me feel small , inadequate . I've never had this type of conversation before .
I'm sorry , oh my goodness , Not sorry . It's like I can't . Even your ear is looking at me like what are you ?
doing to my boss ? I can literally feel my kidney . Like what are you doing to my boss ? I can literally feel my kidney .
You're welcome . I love you too .
You know . So I now to me . Sometimes I have to always like God , I'm here Because now I can be be . I can't be alone . I can feel so much like crying I feel free .
I have tissue , let's get my tissue I , I can yeah I never could .
So people don't know that . People just see oh , she's married now she's fulfilled , now she has children .
It's not about that because it's answering the why , yeah ? The greatest fight question for you .
Yeah , yeah and even this me now has helped a lot in my marriage , because before I aimed to please , before I aimed to please , even to displease myself you know , so that was why I took it out . On that last guy , I feel like we're having a private conversation on the podcast yes , that's exactly what we're doing .
Yeah , so many people look at healing as an event , as an event . But many people look at healing as an event and because of what you just said , now , yeah , um , you see it as something that happens , like you said oh , she went through this , yeah , and now she's married .
Yeah , like you see it as .
Oh , johnny , end now it is actually a continuous transformation , yeah absolutely so in the , in the spirit of mindfully living , mindfully and you know my own , you know from my lens how do you personally check in with yourself to know where you are with every phase , even now that you have come to this awareness , this acceptance , how do you get to a point where
you're checking yourself and say , okay , and let me tell you why . I'm asking that question . A lot of people and when I know you're going to ask , but a lot of people , um , constantly ask me . You know , how do you keep your head above water and all that , and how do I check on myself ? Um , if you look around , there's games here , there's paintings here .
When the noise is too much , I know to step back and all that . So , and I know that as a person who is in the space that you and I are healers and coaches and therapists and all of that , it can be daunting . So how do you check in with yourself when it becomes really loud ?
okay . So somebody asked me this every day I go in myself . Two things I do regularly for three myself . Two things I do regularly for free every day I watch movies . Every day . Movies for me is a skip one , two , four am . That's where we talk to music . That's where I'll see you . I will quickly yeah because I'm awake ?
It's because you're awake , so 4 a am to 5.30 am every day is for me Nice , nice . Without the phones . I think the phones start from 5 am , so what 4 am to 5 am is for me ? I just sit still and listen and check , because there was a time when I started this healing journey , I went to the other extreme .
I felt larger than life , bigger than God yeah yeah , yeah , because I was like what , the like , what you can actually be drunk on knowledge . Yeah , because knowledge is like a knife so I'm going to stop you there .
You remember when we started this conversation . We're talking about curiosity . That was exactly what we were saying before we came on . Uh , we started the recording because when we forget to be curious , yeah , we probably will be like paul , and I'm glad that paul wrote there that I had seen seven heavens and he could boast that . Yeah , he could boast about it .
Yeah , let me know , you know that if I start out . Yeah , yeah , yeah yeah yeah , let's just stop that .
I agree yeah .
All right . As someone who helps people heal , what is the one thing people assume about you ? That is far from the truth .
That I don't cry or I don't have issues .
Eh .
I cry a lot .
Who thinks you don't cry ?
No , a lot of people do .
Maybe my staff members , for instance . Yeah , sorry to boss you . People think I am invincible . I kid you not , I'm not joking . Okay , maybe I'm seeing you from my lens . Yes , yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah . So let me be fair .
And then you've known me for such a long time , yeah , so you see me as , oh , such a young girl that her is for me too right , right , I don't think I've ever seen you . I'm just kidding .
I'm just kidding .
A lot of people come to know me as Coach Lara and they see my . Let me tell you what everybody talks about . She's so bold . She has so much boldness she doesn't care . Look at all the things she's saying 14 heartbreaks , 15 abortions . Who says that ? You know ? So they think that because of that I am invincible okay , let me .
Can we be fair ? Yes , can we be open ? So I used to sing like , and then this is me coming from a place of a linguist . I was like , should I be saying that ? You know , and I used to have a huge problem with it . I never told you this . I'm glad I'm saying it now , but let me tell you what changed me last year . I'm sharing with my coach mentor .
She's black , she's she's . Her name is franda . Coach franda , call her my mama . She stays in the band . I'm like , so we're talking nlp and all that , and I shared your , I shared you with her . I didn't say what I was feeling , to be honest . She just said , oh , that's so powerful .
And I'm like , really , and she was like to me see , that's what she calls me , to me . See , you know , that's so powerful and if I know you , because you're very conservative in language , that doesn't sit well with you , does it baby ? I'm like , yes , mama , sit well with me . And she goes baby girl , it's a story .
Sit down and ask yourself why it triggers you .
And I'm like okay .
And I did sit down and when I sat down she and I had a conversation over it and she actually did coach me through that and we did sit down . It was not because I was ashamed or embarrassed for you or anything like that . It probably it slept .
It leaned largely towards me , not leaving the dark side of me loud what we just said is extremely cryptic , but but we got it , we got it , we got it .
¶ Healing is Not a Destination; It’s a Journey
Yeah , if you don't get it , forget about it forget about it .
Sorry , apologies , you guys and I rarely share inside jokes here , but this particular one had to be shared , so I think I needed to settle that with myself . And when she said that , when she asked me that question , I said why it triggers you , because I know you . You are in no judgement , so it's not out of judgement , you're not judging her .
So the question is you , why does it trigger you so much in ? Yeah , so you hold space for many people . Let's you hold space for many people . Um , where do you go when you need space to be held for you ? Like I said , this is about the person , but no , I'm not enough yeah it's not about the stories , about the person , oh yeah yes .
I'm shocked yeah really yesterday I go home and I called my mom . I said , mommy , I just want you . She was , like you know , in the European countries . You can't .
Yeah , yeah , yeah , go ahead , I would interrupt . Yes , she was like go ahead , mommy .
I said mommy , I just want you , you know , she knows all the people I talk to . My sister is my very good friend , my best friend , is in the US . Those are the people I call , but my mum . I realised recently that , no matter how old the child gets to , you still need to be nurtured by your mom . You still need to circle .
If she's the circling type , yeah , so I go to her . When , like , my mom knows my , you know , she , she , you know . When you say that's my mom , she knows me . So all these braggadocios , you know , basically they see that people see outside she knows , I'm just just a little girl . So yesterday I said , mommy , I need you .
She was like hello , you know , like I have to do a lot of things , I have to do this , I have to do that , you know . And she's like ah , what are you doing ? What are you doing ? You are not doing anything , don't worry , I am not doing anything , what are you doing ?
And she went on , started praying for me , started telling me funny stuff , started talking about my dad . You know , like your dad was here and I felt help . Hmm , you know , like your dad was here and I felt held . I felt held , you know .
So my mom , or my family generally , like my sister , my sister is that , but you know , my sister is 13 years younger than I am and she can do what she can do . My best friend is in america . I've had a best friend . I don't know if you know her , but she's not really known to a lot of people . She's a very inside .
Yeah I know those kind of people .
Yeah , like you know , is she coming here . If I just need to send her an email , she and she won't understand what's going on , she just gets it . You know , call me and all of those things you know . So , uh , but largely the person that I think that can take a lot is my mom .
So I have learned over the years to shed , give people what they can handle fair , fair , fair fair . Not everybody can do it . I realize that it's part of things . I realized so , even my husband , you know I go to him because my husband is a fit person . You got it in the name of jesus , in the name of jesus , my wife , I .
I'm not even trying to be funny , he would just lay his hand . No , you're joking . Only mama for me . No , you're joking , that's how my husband is . Did you bring him on this podcast ? I ?
will , I will . No , I'm shocked , though , really . That's how so I think I need to talk , brother Teddy .
Yeah , I need to talk a little about
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
. You perform , don't perform with me . So when you were , if you know , you were in my house just the other day . When we're shooting , that's my , that's the performing teddy . My husband means , hey , how you doing ? Oh , my god , I love your hair , but when , in the name of jesus ?
ouch , I apologize on the behalf bro Teddy . I deeply apologize .
It's not me that made her to say she did so sometimes I be like so you know , I've had to learn how to get used to that . It used to bother me a lot , Like you know . So I give him what he can handle . I give my sister what she can handle .
I give my friend , you know , I think my friend can handle almost all of it a lot of it , and then my mom can handle everything okay , um , just before we continue , this is going to be a two-part conversation , so because I don't want the conversation to be too long and then would take a break in then , but to round of this first part of the with everything
that you know now , if you could whisper one sentence to 19 year old Lara Kilomath , sophomore , I'm sorry I'm doing this to you , but I think you expected that . If I didn't do it , how would you know ?
So I didn't . This is what I like to do . I don't overthink things . I like to be in the moment .
If I overthink English .
Don't judge me . If I have overthink over this thing , this conversation I might be , my conversations might be colored . I just said , no , it's too much . But what would I tell her at night ? I'm a Baniye .
I'm a king's daughter . Stop running . Elta Scouter . Looking mad Uno .
Alright , yeah , you're worthy .
You're worthy . How does that feel you ?
saying enough , don't worry , the tissue is a fun for me ah , so this is what you do inside this small cubicle that you but ladies and gentlemen run away when we should call you for interview , wow , interview , wow . I have always wanted to be accepted . It feels so good to be accepted by me . I don't care what other people say or want or do .
It is such a library show for me . It's like you don't really carry so much weight .
I did for such a long time that would lead me to ask you the hardest lesson about self love outside acceptance , outside acceptance . What was the hardest lesson you had to learn about self-love ?
I think for me . I've always had body image issues . I don't know where it started from , maybe Maybe after I had my daughter . I just I was
¶ The Power of Acceptance in Healing
never the right mate . I was never then I had so much issues with my breasts , my stomach .
Yeah , I love what's out there actually .
You know , for me it was , it , was it , just it's like my original self was taken away .
That's not what it felt I gotcha .
You know . So that made me want to do other things to compensate for it .
Have you found balance now Now .
I don't know if I'll call it balance , but you know when , a lot of times , most of the times , I wake up and I feel good about where I am . So I think balance is a good thing . How so ? Because , how ? Because sometimes you , because of what we have to do every day , you have to swing .
So sometimes you swing more to this side , based on an outside circumstance or an event or something that requires you to swing . Swing because , naturally . So . Let me explain I am a young , young little girl who loves to be lazy I don't , please don't make me laugh again who likes to ? be goofy but a lot of times that's not why . Why ?
Because life has , there are some demands life places on you , so I find time to be that little girl sometimes okay , you just answered the question I wanted to ask .
I was going to say like it was cheap , every title , every story , everything .
I don't think these two people will remain the same .
Every past experience you know , but you're , I think it's a little girl who is Lara ? That was a question I was .
I'm a lazy girl . Lazy to me . She like I was telling my husband , explaining it to him and he couldn't get it . He's just . I want to be taken care of . Yeah , I , I don't want to do anything yeah , yeah , but now I do one billion things , so to me she helped me find the balance .
We'll talk about that after mike , what's a question you wish people asked you , but they never do ?
what do you ? Need a lot of people think I have a lot , don't you ?
that's me being an Agbayaba , yeah what do you need ?
sometimes , a lot of times no one . Sometimes it is actually . That's why I have a mentor . I call him more like an uncle , you know . He knows that I can't give , I'm not , I don't know where I bought millions , but there are times that he would just send me thank you , because that's what I needed at the time .
You know , and sometimes I just need somebody to see . Just thank you , sir yeah just sleep like you don't have to be , or ?
do anything , just be , just be . And with that we come to the end of the first part of this conversation . The second part is going to be her . She's going to do whatever she wants to do with me . She's been wanting to do that all her life . I like this part of her .
So yes , mindfully to Michelle with her list this is what your mommy does , eri ife uwa .
This is what you people do . I live with that , oh my goodness . So you experience this , we we're talking to you and anyway , my mission returns next week .
The second part of this conversation , I believe , is going to be fun , and then we're going to have some fun . Love yourself , love your neighbor , love your country . Above all of this , love God . He is the essence of your being . I am Uluwatu Mishi . Follow me on socials and Omolara Ikudaisi is going to strip me naked until next episode .
Until next time , this is black images , radio , taking your form in your roots .