¶ Introducing Part Two: Tables Turn
Mindful Partners . So how was it getting to know Coach Lara beyond the headlines ? Last week , it was an absolute pleasure to bring that version of Lara Kudaisi Tanmomo to you . This week , though , I bring you the second part of that conversation , where the tables turn and Omolara gets the chance to question me , as she's wanted to do for years .
This episode is much as fun as it is a deep dive . You will get a little peek into who Uluwatu Mishie is , and we'll start with some fun games and then dive right into the questions Omolara has for me . Welcome to Mindfully with Tumishe . I am Uluwa Tumishe . Hola tako Kuku Hi Mindful Partners , and we're back .
I held Omo Lara back because she had a lot of questions for me , and this second part of the conversation is going to be more about me than it's about Lara , but still she's in my studio , so there's nothing she can do about that .
¶ Fun Games and Ice Breakers
So how ?
are you after that first , first time I'm getting myself together so let's play some before we .
Then I'll just give you to my okay . If your healing journey were a Nollywood movie , what would the title be ? Maybe you say you like movies up and down . What would the ?
title be Maybe you say you like movies .
Up and Down , in and Out .
Opera Intensity .
Pick one Love that teaches you or love that comforts you . What's one Yoruba proverb you'd live by ? And why Yoruba ? Yeah , yoruba are you . Are you a boon ?
I'll be outside me um I don't know if it's a proverb , though that's an aphorism , but you're right .
Yeah , I don't know how to explain aphorism to you , but you'll be fine if you could have tea , or coffee with one historical figure , dead or alive dead or alive and what would you ask them ? Jennifer is spitting in the back like that , but your guy would be fine .
I can't remember her name now , but she's a philosopher . You know , she's one of the people I studied in NLP .
Toni Morrison .
No , she's a woman .
Yeah , Toni is . It's a woman . Toni sounded like her and Lamont .
No , so what ? I would ask her . That woman is an institution she studied , she's been studied in schools how do you live such life after being in a lot of pain ?
I'm gonna find out oh , okay , well , I think I know the person you're talking about yeah , yeah , yeah he does not remember .
We have to find the person .
Yeah , what's a childhood snack that brings you joy , constantly brings you joy . Oh , wowow , what's a wowow .
What's a wowow . I feel like getting it right now . Do you know that corn , maize Boiled and coconut With sugar in that glass ?
No , I feel like eating it now , true .
Anywhere I see it , I buy it , they still sell it . The last time I saw it , maybe 5 years ago , I told the you please wait
¶ Tumishe's Everyday Thoughts
if your personality were a color , what would it be ?
I know mine , you can see , so I think it has changed .
It used to be red but now that the inside has changed , yes , it used to be red , but maybe it's not black , so I would choose between purple , because purple can still be dark and flirty , so I have that combination of the two so I'm handing you this , this , it's just symbolic .
I'm handing you a blank canvas right now . What would you paint first ?
I wish that was captured .
A smile , okay , someone who's smiling smiling and then different people smiling around the person show me your reaction when your intuition said don't do this . And then you did it . And then boom , fuck it .
You said to show you . You said to show you . You said it's okay complete the sentence .
Are you ready ? I'm enjoying this part so much . If I could give my past self a post-it note , what would it say ? You guys should be looking at the board looking for the post-it . I can give you the post-it if you wanted to do you want me to be honest and raw ?
it's a question mindfully with Tumishe .
That's all I'm going to tell you . Do whatever you want to do with that that's all I'm going to tell you .
Do whatever you want to do with that do a lot of cowboy writing . Okay , sing the first song sing the first song that comes to mind when you hear the word transformation you make my life so beautiful and that's you are . You have made me , and there's nothing greater than this . That's why I love you Forevermore . Should I continue ?
It's okay , I wanted to join you , but I forgot .
I forgot now to sing . So we are . I forgot now to you , why did you hand it over ? Yeah , listening to this conversation and hearing yourself reflect what has stirred up for you two things .
You need to show yourself more the real roar side . That a little bit really to know about mm- two , you need to have more conversations like this in your , because you know I do a lot of these things . By the way , I'm going to invite you to my own next week , tuesday , just so you know . You know . So it just changed . I'm even .
You won't believe what has happened . I'm even contemplating . Did I change the name of the podcast , should I ? I'm telling you that's what's happening to me because I'm like I haven't touched this part a long time ago in a long time time . Yeah , my name is to michelle , yeah yeah , you have remade me , so or repaired me .
Restored . Restored Because I feel like .
I feel like it took . It looks as if I am leaning towards a side because of some things . So this is telling me come back home .
That was my goal and I'm glad I achieved it , because I wanted people to see you , not the story .
And then I need to do a lot of serious talk about the little girl .
Lara , and she's beautiful . Whatever happened to her happened for her .
Yeah , not this , because people just it's okay , people just feel the I need to have that conversation . So , since you have it's time , yeah , I just feel the .
I need to have that conversation . So since you have it's time .
Yeah .
What is the one question that you have been wanting to ask ? Can't be one . Why would it be one ? Go ahead , I'm ready , I hope . Shoot yeah , go on . What ? Shoot yeah , yeah , go on .
What thoughts do you have on a regular day ?
give me like six okay , on a regular day . What ? Where am I going to be at the end of life ? That's always one . The second I'm raising two giant . Am I doing it ? The third I never wanted to marry , but I . Am I doing this right ? The fourth I should have started my life a long time ago yeah , I've wanted to do that since .
I should have started my life a long time ago . The fifth started my life a long time ago , the fifth . Nothing that happened was about you , nothing . It was never about me . It was about and even in my name . You know when , when I say to people that have a new one name , people are shocked . But I think the whole essence of me is in my name .
Some things had to stop generationally and I'm just privileged to carry the pain that will birth the end of the cycle . And the sixth , oh , to play the whole play . I want to play all the time . Alright , what is sex to ?
you . So let me give context to that , please do . Oh my goodness , you everything .
Don't worry , she's fine , she's separate . Let me hear yeah , yeah , yeah .
So you have played a huge role in my sex life . Ladies and gentlemen , it's not what you're thinking . No , it's not what you're thinking , ladies and gentlemen , it's not what you're thinking .
No , it's not what you're thinking .
So
¶ Views on Sex and Healing
we used to be in a group , a WhatsApp group , when I got married the first time , yeah , and of course there's a lot of conversations happening in that group . It was one of the best groups I've ever been since they born me . Yeah , but you helped me see sex in a different way Right ?
So your question is even though I was molested , yeah , how come I had a healthy view ?
of sex yeah .
Yeah , that's the question on almost everyone's mind . Did you have a healthy view of sex , though ? To be honest , yes , okay . Of sex , though , to be honest , yes , okay , to be very honest . And I remember I used to say a prayer may God no come what's break for my life .
I used to say that I'm sorry , baby girl , but here's the thing , for some reason thing , for some reason , all the molestations that happened to me , I saw them as events , I don't know I , and at some point I didn't , I didn't , at some point I messed up with that . I really messed up with that . But Jesus , it's .
God created sex and I was lucky and blessed and privileged to have read a book .
I can't remember who wrote it , the cover is yellow and the lettering is blue and God created sex , and I was about 14 when I read that , and I'm grateful I read it at the age of 14 because and I believe that God brought that book my way to debrief me I had had , I had my first sexual experience at six and it continued till even that age when I read
that book . Um , I believe god brought that book my way again to debrief me like see , this is , this , is not what I created sex for um . So , yeah , I think that's where it came from . You know , um , when I was 13 , I I was on what I was worried , what we call really .
I went to , I was born in the white garment church , but it was it's not celeste , not um terrible , it's not cherubim terrible , yeah , but it was a church that had , um , both the methodist and aladra doctrine , you know , merged , so we had , uh , and in that anyway , and I was sent there a lot , a lot , because I was , again , I've always been dispersing trust
me , always dispersing and I would question why you would say we should not wear shoes into church . I would question why you said she covered my hair or why she didn't come out and I did a lot of crazy things as a young girl so they would send me there to deliver me from all the ogman jays and all that .
Yeah , and when I was , I was in , I was in on orillano and I was praying . I was like , okay , so again , uh , anyone who's known me know that I talk about my relationship with god and how it has helped me .
And this scripture he gave to me when I was 13 , I'm looking for it , I wanted to read it out proverbs 24 , 14 know that wisdom is such to your soul . If you find it , there will be a future and your hope will not be cut off . And I held on to that scripture .
Of course it was an NKJV , this ESV um , at the time it was KJV of course yeah and it was Yoruba and um . I guess that's why most of these things didn't seep into my soul . I seek to take the lessons from every phase . Were they painful ? Yeah , but I'll go back to that scripture . What am I supposed to learn from here ?
What's the wisdom I'm supposed to glean ? So that's reading a book . I hope that answered your question .
Yeah , good .
Are you leaving ? Am I leaving ?
You're authentic , oh yes .
I've never had issues , you know , leaving my Every phase , even the dark ones , every phase , even when , even when I didn't take my life in 2020 , just last attempt it was going to be on my terms I wrote I can read it out if you want . Yes , if I don't , I remember
¶ Forgiveness Despite Deep Hurt
I couldn't let me get through it and I sent that out . Where is it now ? Oh yeah , I really don't know how much time I have left . Sometimes I literally feel like I'm running out of time and won't be able to do anything about it . I wish I could leave all my dreams for a better Africa , for a better Nigeria anything about it .
I wish I could leave all my dreams for a better Africa , for a better Nigeria . I wish I could leave my dream of a changed marital institution narrative , which I've enjoyed . I really wish I could preach it , carry my megaphone and help people see that it is not that deep . We can love in peace and harmony if we truly just let ourselves feel .
The world will never be totally rid of bad people . The world will constantly leave us with things to reel about in pain , but we can do better . Look past the person causing the pain to the reason . When I've done the bit got and the universe will allow me to do my small world .
Kena , I hope you remember me for the love I tried very hard to share and give . I hope you don't colour-code who Tsumishi was or is to you . Help my children understand and take that the kind of mother they had and that I would want for them to be the best they could ever be , loving God and loving for the health of humanity .
I hope you remember me for the quirks , the not so conventional jokes on inside . I hope you remember me for constantly fighting for the trimming of love . Don't cry . I'm grateful I met you . I'm grateful for all of you . Yes , you taught me in pain and goodness .
Let the light shine At the cremation , sing a song of joy At the scattering of the ash , sing a song of freedom . Live life , live love . And I sent that out to my friends . Of course , everybody was joining .
So , yeah , I've never been afraid to leave my truth if , like you said earlier , even in the darkest part of it , a prop I , I will share only inappropriate places , though you know I learned early to know where to bleed and who to bleed to . So , yeah , does that answer your question ?
yeah , do you know that a lot of us look up to you ? You do , yeah , so you know . There are people you call mentors . There are people you call mentors . There are people you call um aunties . You just have labels for different things .
But first of all , one of the things that drew me to you and a couple of the people I'm talking about I like the fact that I can call you by name why would you have called me , though ?
because other people , how many years is between us ?
it's not , it's just , you're just six or seven yeah when you're over kingdom motor be a lot motivated to talk about them . You know , but that's just what they say . You know now . You know , but that's just what they say . You know now , I understand so , but the point is that I like the fact that I am not extremely close to you . Uh , why ?
Oh , my goodness , I feel that there's some . Oh god , see again . I'll reference my husband . I have this dark side . Yesterday we watched the movie at night and the guy , a guy was trying to kill the girl one day the girl shot . I was like what ? Like yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah . So you have this . Despite the hurt , I still choose to love .
I have this fuck them all , kill them all , cut them into pieces and eat them .
I'll answer that quite easily at the risk of sounding religious , at the risk of sounding religious , at the risk of sounding yeah , again , again , like how , how do you your religion ?
I don't have the words , you're not . You know , when we say Christian , like I don't even like what this is doing to me . What is it doing ? Because I have built a persona , but this is doing to me because I have built a persona , but this is like dog barking , kind of thing .
Yeah , okay , so for me , um , I'm privileged and I said what I'm going to say next . A lot of people might not sit down with well with people , but it's fine . I'm privileged to have practiced other religion . Oh , I'm not going to name them for the sake , just because I'm being sensitive . So when I say I follow God through Christ , I know what I'm saying .
I'm not here to preach , but at the risk , so it's very easy for me to sit with people . I'm not here to preach , but at the risk , so so I , I , I , it's very easy for me to sit with people . Um , and I'm very grateful . Again , I go back to Proverbs 24 , 14 . I'm very grateful for the gift uh , you know , of discernment .
Yeah , I , my husband hated , hated in the sense that I could have no idea about a topic and I'm sitting down and I'm just listening to everybody talk about it and I can pick and just make , and usually it's . I'm grateful that I have you know , so I can answer that easily , because I say to myself this person that hurt me was died for .
If , and only if , they give their lives to Christ , the way I understand the kingdom , and they die before me , they will get to Algernon before me and I'm still here . They will get to paradise before me . So of what good is my holding them in my heart ? Of what good is my being bitter ? I'm not saying that I don't have boundaries because they're like .
A lot of people think that I can cut people off . Ask a couple of people I have . I do , but not in a bitter . You know not that I'll see you on the road and I'll not be able to say hello , or you know you know , it's usually very , very if I have a friend who says to me constantly that how come all your past boyfriends are still your friends ?
I said because we didn't fight . Yeah , it was not . You know , it was not as if a bitter split or anything like that and you know . And so for my female friends too , because because I say to myself , this person was died for .
If they give their life to Christ , truly repent , truly repent and God forgave them , and by chance they die before me , they will get to paradise before me . And I'm still here trying to find the meaning of life . So that's my guiding light , that's my albatross . I'm gonna say yeah , no , no , it's not worth it .
And I remember saying to my mom , towards the end of her life , she was struggling , and I said , mommy , forgive this person , I'm just like I said , because this thing we don't know . Yes , we don't know what eternity truly looks like . Nobody has your body , is it like ? That's mine , you know .
But if , julie , there's an eternity , mommy , please forgive , because you don't want this to be the thing that will not make you make eternity . And then that night funny enough , it's exactly eight years today , that night that we had that conversation . Yeah , funny enough . And then she woke up the next morning .
That night I saw I was sitting , I was like sleeping beside her . She was struggling over the night . And then she woke up the next morning and she said I said maa lakmaja , lakmaja , lakmaja she . I said mo mo shug malori , moti dariji mo fe wo jobo that ?
was when I knew my daughter was going to die .
Yeah , so , and she left the person here . Yeah , she left the person here .
So that's why , despite the hurt and even when people have conversations and I give interviews and you know it sounds as if I'm protecting I'm not giving the names of the people that messed me up and all that I say it's because , um , their children have no business knowing what their parents used to be like , because why would I want to curse their children in
pain ? The children didn't hurt me . The children didn't hurt me because if I give too much of description , they'll be able to pick who their parents , who I'm speaking with and that's some pain , and then I'm just gathering enemies , so , and all right ?
So yeah , the simple answer is well , all we are all died for and uh , yeah , you wrote the questions down .
I want to ask what does marriage mean to you ?
Partnership , partnership .
What would you never forget ?
Nothing , oh good , you see , so long I personally press again , even death can be forgiven . I'm not trying to be a martyr , but the weight I don't know how people think about it , but the weight of carrying anger . See , I grew up in a very angry home , very angry and violent home . I saw the things that that did . See
¶ Going Back Home: Final Wisdom
my . We are the third of being angry people with pride . Our family name is Binuwai . We wear anger and retribution with pride and I've seen that it works Nothing . I love my family name . I love my family , you know what ? But it has caused more pain and damage .
I remember my therapist used to say to me I needed to get angry when I'm telling her certain things . And I said to her I used to be a very angry person . My focus right now is to heal . It's not about those who hurt me . It's not my father and my mother , not the people who hurt me . It's about me . It's about me living my full life .
It's not about all those people . They are the ones that had questions to answer , not me . They did things to me . So the weight of carrying anger is too heavy . It's too . And even understanding this does not take you away the fact that I'm bipolar .
I live with bipolar yeah so imagine that I carried that with and I still you know , because , while mine is was triggered by , you know , by what's called traumatic experiences . It also is very something still brings heritages in my family .
So , you know , if I didn't have trauma , I probably would not ever have presented , you know , as a person living with bipolar affects . But there's sometimes that , no matter what I do , no matter how , I still feel sad , and not because anything happened . The cloak is just there and I have to pick myself up .
And there's sometimes that everything around is horrible and I'm extremely excited . Everybody's like what's up with you ? I know I'm tilting towards the manic episode , so , yeah , there's no need to carry these things . Um , I I'm not saying that I don't feel pain , please .
I'm not saying that when people hurt me I don't feel it , but I can easily shrug it off and then deal with it with God . It's see , my journal has me reporting myself and people to God Reporting . And the moment I report to God , I believe that I said okay , this is your child , I'm your child too . You be the judge ?
Yeah , you'll be the judge , because if I do to me , it's , there are times I do to me , show the times I do to me , yeah , but it's a very , very fun in between , and when I do to me she's usually very catastrophic , so I try not to do her at all . Are we good ?
yeah , okay , yeah , because I just forgave somebody right now , right now , right now . I offended me this morning . I'm forgiving you that driver , just kidding . Yeah , yeah and uh , thank you .
So what ? What is the one thing you've always wanted to say to me ?
Thank you .
You're welcome . Whatever that means , though , thank you for choosing not to hide Anymore .
Yeah and anymore yeah for choosing not to hide anymore yeah and anymore , yeah when I knew you , I just knew she's just a crazy person yeah , but a beautiful crazy person .
I swear you were such a mystery to me like , and the far in between conversations that we have , just like now , always leave me very reflective and transformative oh okay , it's in the name , yeah , so thank you for Not holding those people .
Yeah , See , okay , let's just talk about that after we've killed the mic . Yeah , so , final , final , final words from you to everyone who loves their coach Lara . Words from you to everyone who loves their coach Lara .
I don't know if I can now be their coach , lara , when you have stripped me naked , finish it's okay . Take everything , use everything , all of it , all of it is . There's something we call utilization , and I think it's NLP or something . Utilization meaning that every part of you , every experience that you had at some point , will come to use .
Yeah , always go back home . Today , this conversation has taken me back home .
Oh , please .
See , now , I'm a very articulate person , and now , but now , articulation is far from me , you know so . But the point is , go back home . There is a , there is a depth , so there is the beach .
B-E-A-C-H . Yes , B-E-A-C-H .
I even forgot that there is another word . No , not that . So there is this surface water Of the beach . There is something underneath it that powers the water on the beach . Sometimes , when you are learning how to swim , they teach you how to go down before you come up .
A lot of times we perform upstairs the day I learn how to swim Saturday all the fears in my life is going to go go ahead , so learn how to go down . a lot of times and when I say down , I still am referring to home Some people take you back home . Be in touch with them .
Some events or experiences take you back home , and when I'm talking about it's not good to be a coach or a therapist . You cannot even just say words like that . You just have to explain everything , because I don't want anybody to get the other way around . When I say go back home , I mean home is a place of peace , joy , where you feel at your best .
So look for people that take you there , look for experiences that take you there and just be you .
This has been such a joy . Thank you so much , amolara . Thank you For honoring me . Appreciate it , you're right .
Nobody calls me that , though I love it so much Okay .
Thank you , jennifer , thank you , bayo .
Don't you guys refuse to take anything ? They cannot . We told these things .
We are talking how can they love yourself , love your neighbor , love this country ? Oh , yesterday , when I was the , when I was in the bathroom yesterday and I was thinking that people hear me say love yourself and and I also remember that I have never said the full , it's mine and it is actually knowledge puffs up , love covers all .
Love yourself , love your neighbor , love your country . Above all of this , love God .
He's the essence of your being oh , sorry , because even me , I've been waiting since the person that gave me coffee , very delicious coffee . Thank you , god bless you , our upcoming p .
Thank you for being such an amazing daughter . I love you . Yeah , until next week .
Yeah , stay mindful this is black images .