The Myth of Personal Space: Finding Connection Through Distance

Listening back to that episode , I was reminded of just how far I have come , how sharing and collecting stories has become a path , not just for me but for us , a way to align our thoughts , emotions and responses in how we relate to ourselves and to others . And in case you missed it , check the show notes . The link will be there .

But as I listened , a few things stood out , thoughts I wanted to expand on , and that's where today's episode begins . This week , I want to touch on something I call the myth of personal space . Yes , a myth , that's what I said , because while we often talk about space as a right , the way we seek it and respond to it isn't always that simple .

So come with me , let's think about it . What is it about personal space that makes it feel so necessary yet extremely complicated , from friendships to romance , to family dynamics ? Why do we feel funny when someone says I need my space ? I know I have hurt people while seeking my personal space , and people have hurt me while they sought theirs .

At first it feels like betrayal , a push and pull of closeness and distance , like an invisible dance where no one is quite sure of the steps . And yet personal space is not about them , it is about you . That's the paradox , isn't it ? When I carve out space , I tell myself it's self-preservation , but when someone else does the same , I call it abandonment .

Why do we crave space but fear its consequences ? Why does our need for solitude sometimes clash with our longing for connection ? I cannot speak for everyone .

I cannot speak to everybody's experience , but , as usual , I will use myself as a source of understanding and maybe in the story or stories I tell on this episode you can find some resonance and insight to help you navigate your spaces . Let's dive in .

There was a time when I believed in the concept of a best friend , someone you could be , everything with present , available , holding space for them in ways you assumed they needed , holding space for them in ways you assumed they needed . Now , before anybody comes for me , I appreciate the concept of a bestie and yes , I have a couple , a couple .

You say yes , I said a couple Because I have come to terms with the reality that , with every single faith , there will be people that the universe , that God will bring my way and they will function perfectly with what I have described there , that is , they will be present , they will be available and they will be willing to hold my hands through any phase .

And then , poof , that season is gone and I am left wondering what happened to that sweet connection . I had to do a personal heart autopsy to find my balance and trust me as a person who thrives mostly on and with connection .

This surgery , this autopsy , this life autopsy , was a very , very long one , but it was also what birthed my personal favorite aphorism life is lived in the transitions . Now back to my best friend and I . So , when my best friend had a baby , I showed up , physically and emotionally . I checked in , I offered support , I was there , at least I thought I was .

Then , about six weeks in , during one of my usual check-ins , she said something that cut deeper . Well , she probably intended To me she it is not always about you . Oh , it's strong , because in my mind I've been nothing but present , the perfect friend and all the things that come with that . So what did I do ? I did what any hurt person would do .

I gave her space . Three months passed and the silence stretched between us like well , an unfamiliar stranger . Then , out of nowhere , she reached out . I hope I haven't broken this friendship . I was in my head and I didn't know how to communicate it . As you might have guessed , we picked up the pieces . We tried again .

If I'm being honest , something had shifted . I had become guarded , and I know somebody will say that's great on you , tsumushi . It is called self-preservation , and you will be right . However , I have said several on many platforms , and definitely unmindfully with me here , that I hated losing friends . It was , it was something I couldn't deal with .

The sense and feeling of abandonment is so painful and real and , if I'm being honest , the work I have had to do to build another connection that just about grounded me With this one , though the sense of abandonment was real when it happened . I know now where it came from .

You guessed it my story of origin but I think I'm managing that better now , if I say so myself . Now , moving on , I apparently didn't learn what God wanted me to learn in that season . Why ? Because just as we were finding our rhythm again , she disappeared , this time . For a longer time I wrestled . I questioned myself what did I do wrong ?

Why did she ghost me again ? But this time I resolved it . Remember S-B-N-R-R-R . Stop , breathe it to the T . Then , two years ago , she reappeared with a simple message I'm sorry . And you know what , with the space and in the space that I am now , I understood and the dynamic also changed .

I allow her to reach out when she is in a safe space , when she is in a safe space , not because I don't care , but because I have learned that personal space isn't about me . And that's the paradox of personal space . We crave connection , but we also crave solitude . We need closeness , but we also need breathing room .

In that delicate dance , people would take space in ways

that feel like rejection , even when it is not . I said earlier , I've hurt people while seeking my personal space , and people have hurt me while seeking theirs . People have heard me while seeking theirs . It is a circle we rarely talk about , because space is typically mysterious . You can't see it , but you can feel it when it's being evaded .

It triggers emotions , deep , painful , sometimes even deadly ones . But here's what I'm learning Personal space is not about rejection , it is not about abandonment and it is not selfish . What it is is . It is a language and , like any language , it can be misunderstood . Now let's expand this a little further , because this isn't just about friendships .

Personal space plays out in everything Every kind of relationship , family , work and even love . And when it comes to romantic relationships , the stakes feel even higher . And I get asked about this all the time whenever I facilitate webinars or I have a client seeking clarity during a coaching session seeking clarity during a coaching session .

And the question is how do you balance personal space in a romantic relationship without making

your partner feel abandoned ? It is a valid question , because somewhere along the way , relationships have become more transactional . There's little or no wiggle room . These days , every action is analyzed , every quiet moment is questioned and every slight character misstep labeled a red flag . So what happens ? People stop taking space .

They stop asking for time to breathe because it might be misread as withdrawal . They stop communicating the need for solitude because what it is taking as rejection . And yet the paradox remains we cannot truly connect if we never allow space for individuality . Love doesn't mean merging into one person . It doesn't mean losing yourself just to keep the other close .

A healthy relationship is like music . There's rhythm , there's harmony and , yes , there are pausesuses . The pauses don't ruin the song , they make it richer . Yet there's another layer family , siblings , parents , the people whom we have known the longest , at least who we think we know . But there's something no one tells you about growing up .

As you get older , your story of origin shifts . The childhood you remember is not always the childhood your sibling remembers . The home you taught you , all shared equally ,

it was experienced differently by each person in it . And so , as we grow , we take space , not just physical space , but emotional space .

We integrate our past through the lens of our present experiences , and sometimes that means we're defining relationships with people we want to share the bunk with , we want to dance in the rain with , we pulled pranks on our parents with and we stole meat from the boat with . You get where I'm going . Eh , you get where I'm going .

Yeah , some siblings grew apart because they do not know how to navigate the shift when their sibling is trying to interpret their stories of origin . Because definitely you will be singing your stories of origin from different lenses , from different lenses . I always try or use this story or this allegory when I'm talking about lenses Two brothers .

One was a drunkard , the other didn't touch alcohol at all . And when they asked the one who was a drunkard , why do you drink so much ? He said because that's all I saw my father do . And when they asked the other one , who doesn't touch alcohol at all , why do you not drink ? He said because that's all I saw my father do .

Some parents feel abandoned because their adult children no longer show up in the ways they expect . They expect , and for many of us , that transition between the past we shared and the present we're living feels like an unspoken tension . So what do we do with that ? Do we force closeness or evil when it literally feels natural ?

Do we take space and risk being misunderstood , or do we find a middle ground where we allow each other to evolve without taking it personally ? Remember my favorite agreement from the four agreements Do not take anything personally . Now let's bring it on . In African families .

This tension takes on another layer because here , personal space isn't just about setting boundaries , it's about navigating wait for it loyalty . We've seen it recently , haven't ?

Weathers and sons at odds , daughters discovering hidden truths , family stories unraveling in real time for the world to see , and a million and one hot takes online in-laws , online parents and what have you . And whether we admit it or not , these public dramas are just reflections of our private realities Realities many of us have lived in our families here .

Taking space

isn't just a personal choice . It is a statement , or it is seen as a statement . Stepping back can be seen as a statement . Stepping back can be seen as a disowning . Asking questions can be seen as disrespect . And yet what do we do when silence no longer feels safe ? Because personal space , at its core , isn't about rejecting family .

It's about finding a way to hold your own truth while still making room for theirs . So here are some reflective questions I'll leave with you as a round of the conversation today . They cut across the relationship spectrum I have taught . Here goes when in your life do you need space and have you given yourself permission to take it ? And , just as importantly ,

when someone else takes space , will you allow them to do so without taking it personally ? In your romantic relationship , do you give yourself space just to be without guilt ? And , as equally important , do you allow your partner the same ? Do you offer the same grace ? Bear in mind personal space isn't rejection .

It is an invitation to return as your full self Within your family of origin ? Do you allow yourself the space to grow and shift Again ? More importantly , do you allow your other family members to do the same ? Do you extend the same grace Again ? I repeat personal space isn't rejection . It is an invitation to return as your full self , knowledge pops up .

Love covers all . Love yourself , love your neighbor , love your country . Above all of these , love God . He is the essence of your being . Until next episode , stay mindful . I am Uluwatu Mishie or Ladakbo Kuku . Before I go , let me leave you with this again what does personal space mean to you ?

Share your thoughts with me on socials , mindful Uluwatu Mishie or Uishe or Utumishe Okuku on Instagram , Looking forward to hearing your thoughts . Or just send a text . The link is in the show's description . Oh , one last thing . Hit that follow button . It helps more people find the space . Hey , thanks in advance . Stay mindful . Thank you .