¶ Introduction to Dari and his journey
okay . So you heard the breath there .
I'm trying very hard to start this conversation as normally as possible , but somehow I don't know if it's going to be that , um , normal , because if you have followed Mindfully With you Mission long enough , you know that most of the people that I call guests are people that I have collected on my journey to being no point intended .
And this conversation I'm having with this guy today , yeah , I'm sure another thing you have noticed is I have a lot of male friends , all right . So imagine a story where both hearts um carry different kinds of ways , where support is mutual and vulnerability isn't one-sided . My guest today is isn't one sided . My guest today is Daryl .
He's an advocate , a creative mind , a thought leader and a man leaving weeks of special ability . But today he's not here to just share his story because I'm sure a lot of people know the story . He reached out to me .
So I think when I came back from the long break that I took on Mindflow with Jim Shea , he reached out to me and said Jim Shea , I think I want us to collaborate and I'm like huh , how ? And he went my life , my wife thrives , leaving with the bipolar disorder .
To be honest , I was like huh , and this is me who leaves with bipolar affective disorder , and I'm like okay , and my head begins to spin and of course , there's an inside joke that I can't share here . But it's a conversation about grace , about resonance , about dual vulnerability . As I said , it is about choosing to love even when life presents limitation .
Ah , dari thank you to michi . Uh well , where do I really start from ? You know , I don't know the this thing about you having a lot of men , I mean male friends , this thing about you having a lot of men , I mean male friends . You forgot that you were almost one yourself . You were a tomboy I don't know , you were a tomboy . You see .
This is why I should stop bringing people when I'm in the show .
We know , I know , you know way back from me . Fair , you know you're a tomboy , you've been well , maybe childbearing had dealt a little bit with a little bit part of that you know , are you sure ?
well , you'll have to ask my children and they'll tell you whether it has dealt with me .
No , no , no , it's still there I'm human , that's all .
Like you're saying , good , it's all good the first time I . The first time I saw you was now . You say Ife , did you ever see ? Did I ever know you in Ife ?
incidentally , knowing you in Ife was like I never knew you , because we never talk because I can't remember .
I don't have a memory of Ife it was after we met in .
Equifem that you were even the one that pricked my memory now , I was able to remember snippets because of one or two of the people that you mentioned that were your friends then , so that was able why I was able to have some snippets of memory .
All right , you know all right and you know , uh , there's no way you could have gone to infer and , um , especially in that department , english , english . You know , um , there's a thing about it there . I don't know if it's still like that . You know there is . You always find one way or the other to coalesce with your . You know there was the department .
The Aveless , aveless , there was .
Aveless , there was this news agency , oh Sorry .
So I was very disconnected in school . Okay , completely disconnected . Aveless is because so I was very disconnected in school . Okay , completely disconnected . Ava lessons , because , well , ava lessons .
Ava lessons . You didn't have a choice , yeah .
But I know the newspaper you're talking about .
Yes , but I was disconnected too , because I was never part of any of those .
I was .
Completely disconnected . I charted my own path . What year did you finish ? I finished 96 .
I did , you finish , I finished now this I I came into , if in 96 and that was another whole kettle of fish and I spent eight years in ife almost a lot of time , you understand .
Yeah so I came in 94 , I left 2004 . You left with me I left 2004 .
I left in 2004 . I came in 96 2004 .
2004 , that's 8 years .
I left . I came in 99 . Yes , I came in 99 .
I finished 2004 , so a lot of people were confused was I in philosophy , or was I in theatre arts or English ? You know ? Because from day one I knew I'm not the type that was going to write application for a job . I knew this certificate was not going to feed me .
I actually wanted to learn to expand my mind , so I took a lot of courses in philosophy , logic .
So what did you ?
study English .
Okay , go ahead .
So I took a lot of courses in philosophy and theatre arts , you know . So I did a lot of . I did logic , I did African socio-political philosophy . You know , I did . You know a whole lot of things . Then I just wanted to expand my mind and explore . I even did a paid diploma in French , really yeah , when I was in IFE .
So I mean I made the best of those eight years of IFE , okay okay , so I didn't .
I think I only did logic and philosophy . Um , I did logic all my year . Yeah , it wasn't in part one .
I was more comfortable with dramatic arts and you know that it was in dramatic arts that we had radio courses and TV courses yeah , so that yeah so because I , I was already , uh , an intern , okay , um , uh with radio , with my tv , and then um , um , a queer film , at the time it was easier for me to just pitch my tent with dramatic arts and um , um , I
know the only the only other language . You know the only other language you know . You had to take another language . You took French , I took Yoruba , I took French , I took Yoruba . And well , I didn't finish taking Yoruba . Anyways , I think I stopped taking Yoruba in part two or part three , so we have given . I was going to reel out this thing about .
Diary , but I do not think that we should go into that . Let's just get into the conversation , please . What is please ? I know that's time . Welcome to Officially welcome to Mindflow with Sumishe and thank you for reaching out to me that conversation when you reached out to me , I was .
I said okay , I wanted this conversation to be about you and not from my own lenses as a person who's also I want , I love to what is thriving with my power , but let's begin with you tell me .
And Thriving with bipolar , but let's begin with you Tell me and , by extension , anyone who listened to this something you wish people understood better about you Outside of Dari the person who is preaching inclusivity and is living with a special ability . What is that one thing that you wish people understood about you outside of how you are seen ?
¶ Growing up with polio and shielded childhood
Thank you very much . That just sounded so ranting , but go ahead , yeah .
First , as an inclusion advocate , as a person , as a polio survivor myself , I'm living with I'm a survivor of childhood polio . You know it's something . Living with child uh , I'm a survivor of childhood polio , you know , um , it's something that hardly shipped my awareness of myself .
You know it's , it's , it's the , it's the social awakening that you know , as as like , as I grow , like , I got to become aware of it . I was shielded . I was shielded . My childhood was shielded because , you know , I had that love and understanding .
I mean , my senior sister , one of my senior siblings , had to shift to afternoon school so that she could take me for therapy at Orthopedic Hospital every morning . Wow , so how lucky can you get ? So you didn't even know that something was wrong . You understand ? Yeah , you didn't see the something . No , no , no , yeah , yeah , yeah , I got you was wrong .
You understand ?
yeah , you didn't see the song yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , I gotcha yeah and I've never attended a school , any school for people with disability .
I went to the regular schools and in my secondaries , right from my primary secondary school days , I had this wonderful friends that we were competing for everything together . Yeah , you understand , and those were the early days , those were while you were jumping fences , so you didn't see it I practically actually did so you didn't you ?
so you didn't see the disability until you were today .
Today , some of my friends still call me for one night for calling myself a person with disability . Really , yeah . They call me for one night and say you , daryl , you are calling yourself disabled . Do people know the things we used to do together way back then in secondary school ? You are not disabled Because we jumped fences together .
We did all the things together . I was the one helping them to write the love letters .
I was the one helping them to write the love letters . That was where I discovered my writing skill . That I can believe . Oh , why ? Yeah , yeah , yeah , Go ahead , yeah Well anyway .
So I mean , so I and you know we compete . The competition was stiff . You know , I've read . I read about 46 topics titles of James Hadley Chase , about 26 Harold Robbins . So we compete about these things , you know . I mean , my wife saw the list somewhere some time ago and was like what you know ? So those were the kind of environment I grew up in .
The only thing we don't compete . I don't rate them you understand beyond that ?
there were the only thing we don't compete . I don't rate them .
You understand Beyond that , we do that there were days who would jump fence my prosthetics , my calipers would fold , I would break it off . So I mean , there was one particular one lad , he's a very , very bad chap like that .
He would be the one to come find the stone and beat it to strengthen it , and all of that , so so it was easy there was no question , you understand , so I I that the disability , the reality of disability , only started to dawn on me after I left the university you know a little bit of it when I was in university , but even in university because I did
literature , you know , and in my set that set , 96 sets , we were like more than 300 , but only 15 were literature , only 50 .
So we felt like a special you guys still feel so very special but there's nothing special about literature well , I give it a good uh uh , I know guba , I've his he's . He's late now yeah , yeah , you know so what am I saying ?
all of that shipped my reality away from that . Uh , fatalists uh gotcha . You understand that PT thing about disability . I never saw it . It was after I left the university and my first experience of the reality . So now I can . Now , looking back , I realized that was a privilege . I had the privilege to bring it .
Privilege , not by virtue of money , status and all of that Love and care and understanding and inclusion , that inclusion was .
I lived it naturally all through my life , you know so . With that background , my thinking and approach to disability advocacy will only just but be different . You know so will only just but be different , you know so . With that in mind , I am more interested in the human in us , you understand , enhancing the humanity in us all .
You know that bridges across social , ethnic , environmental and , of course , disability being one of them . You know so . With that in mind , the kind of things empowerment I think of is one that focuses , that enhances the person . You understand , not just the circumstance . You understand . So a lot of people don't understand that person .
You understand , not just the circumstance . You understand , um , so a lot of people don't understand that and how that reflects in me .
I do , I'm trying to remember the name of your programming realms of freedom , realms of freedom , you see that I was hearing the realms . I was not hearing the pilgrims so it's initially realms realms was . That is this , is this thought process how you grew up with the word birthed realms of freedom realms of freedom .
Realms was just a program I met on Equal FM when , I came in and it's just about eclectic songs okay it's programmed did I produce that for a bit yeah , you did okay . For some years you did , uh , um , my first producer was uh Mewar Japanese . No , no , no , not , not he's , he's , he's in abroad now we talk papati before papati latex .
No , ah , ah ah , it's not latex , it's not papati , it's not me ah god , I'm seeing his face right now .
Yeah , yeah , yeah bukola . No , when you remember anyway so , and we , we , we formed a bond , you know , and he's Aki .
Aiedu .
He has to be Aki Aiedu .
Yeah , yeah , yeah , you know , Aki Aiedu is not your regular guy . Yeah , yeah , yeah
¶ Finding love and making bold choices
, he's another crazy guy , you know .
And you know now look at the personality of someone like Aiedu , for example you know , Aiedu took me on , Ayidun took me on . He didn't take me on like a regular rookie and all of that . He demystified it for me , but he was very disciplined . He was like okay , I mean , do your scripts .
Let me not drag Akin in , because I know he's going to listen . Akin used to relieve me later and he would do it on purpose , just to get me to be angry , because he knew I hated him . But he's such a sweet soul he's a sweetheart .
And another thing about Akin Ayedu is Akin . Akin is a jack of so many things . You know Akin was a hustler , he was doing business , he was selling cars he was doing . He's still a hustler , oh god . Oh God , man , they should bustle that guy's brain and sell it .
So that influence also that brought me into radio and it energized me to see radio like another platform where I can really explore which I did .
So you can see the trajectory .
I've always been in an environment freely competitive , An enabling environment .
You understand Enabling environment freely competitive without being , you know , an environment freely , an enabling , environment .
You understand enabling environment freely competitive without being you know . And you know one thing also my mom put in me is say it again even if you're going through the worst Of poverty , it must not Show .
On you , okay . So I'm going to try To translate that , because I have a handful Of non-Eurovets and people who are Non-Nigerians or Africans Listening to this Ayubodo Tibi Ishe Tibi .
Asho Moshe .
Lar loosely translates to no one should see how poor I am , by the way .
I look , I look yeah , you understand and you know that is also a cultural , you know you no .
so let's explore that for a bit . Let's explore that for a bit . That shaped your perception , didn't it that ?
shaped a lot as in like . You must not look like . Whatever you're going through , don't wear your sorrow , don't wear your problem . You understand , you know . It helped me to differentiate between my circumstance and where I'm going , what I want , right , look ? Just yesterday I sent some pictures to my wife . She said hello , what is all this ?
I said I went window shopping , you understand . So if you give me 20 billion today , I have a list of things I could do with that . If you give me 10,000 Naira today , you already know what's going to happen you understand . I window shop a lot , even though I don't have one Naira in my account .
You understand lot , even though I don't have one error in my account , you understand . So you must always be guided by where you're going , not the where you are .
Where you are , oh my goodness yes , the big pictures as well so these are part of the things that shaped me .
You know , I mean eight years in ife for a four-year course .
How did I live that through ? How did I live through those dark days ?
You understand .
And .
I've gone through a whole lot after that , even till now , presently , you understand , I mean I'm going through a lot , but I didn't allow it to break me , to get into me , so yeah , so that's just one thing about Dairi Dairu .
Yeah .
That upbringing . I have an upbringing and my journey has been shaped by things that challenge me to think beyond the immediate of the situation . But you see , for every choice there is a prize Right .
It means to some people , when people can easily stick things on you , you know , because when you don't fit into the boxes , you know people that they have tried to put you in , they want to cut you , they want to punish you for that , they want to deal with you for that . You know so .
But in spite of all of that , I am one person that I believe in the near infinite nature of the human capacity , of the human mind you understand we are little gods in ourselves . You know , if god created us in our image , there's so much power he has infused in us . So it's because of everybody what you're using that power to achieve .
But for me , you know , no matter my limitation , I choose to allow it to expand my capacity to create , even if only in my mind , and then work towards it .
All right , so we're going to get to the base , the meat of this conversation .
Yeah .
Before meeting your wife , what were your thoughts about emotional and mental health ?
I would say nada Right , I was dealing enough with uh you're dealing with disability enough . So mental health was not even all that I mean doesn't come into the radar , and it's about that time . That was a bit of a that look , you're not getting younger , do something .
And well , ironically , you will think that because I'm a person with disability , I had limited options . No , I know , I had plenty . You know , let's not even go there .
Let's not go there because we'll just be opening people , you know yeah .
So I had to get spiritual about it and about and the way she came , you know I there was no doubt about it that okay , this is what God wants . And the first they were going to talk it was just , I gave her a ride about five minutes , five minutes from Secretary's mosque , you know where , secretary , back to a queer firm . That's less than five minutes .
Five minutes from Secretariat mosque you know where it's at back to a queer friend . That's less than five minutes you know , and as she was getting down , I gave her my card and I , like you , know what you look like somebody . I would like to be the mother of my children . Wow , and he look at me like she .
Man , you learn when somebody have series yeah and that's how dead sure I was then you know , this is it . And then , so , yeah , less than a year , we were married . You know , uh , I was born on friday , she was born on friday . We met on a friday so we wanted to get married on a Friday but somehow , somehow we had to shift it .
We had made between us , we had made all the plans for Friday until pressure came externally . And all this , so we have to only take the . Friday after that . And guess what Uncle Lou , till today he always called me valentine husband so that saturday happened to be a valentine's day so we got married on a valentine's day , oh you know you're such a romantic .
Oh well , you're such , you're such , you're such a romantic , but a lot of people don't know . I thought I thought you were going to say when I asked that question you're such a lot of people don't know about .
And if you're asking me how I know that he was such a romantic , who was so with such good friends and way beyond , you know me being a producer of realms of freedom . We would have conversations . Who would talk over books ? Who would talk over poems ? Uh , late nights and in um , my 12th ? Okay , don't think my 12th .
Don't think my 12th is my 12th market .
So my 12th you only take somebody in a quarter to know what my 12th is , and then we'll sit down just , and we had a lot of conversations in those places , uh , in my 12th .
So let's talk about your wife now . How did you come to learn that she lived with bipolar ?
disorder . The first time it happened was she had a crisis .
Okay .
Something triggered the crisis . She had a crisis . Okay , something triggered the crisis , and um , but before then I had been seeing whims of the likelihood because of heredity , heredity .
Heredity .
Yeah , you know but then I just was dead sure that this is it . And one thing also for me was the fact that you know , she didn't marry me out of pity . You'll be amazed the kind of conversations we have between ourselves , sometimes in the house , sometimes I'll I'll be asking her to do something . And now she'll be like what , why do you like me ?
And I was like no , you don't , yeah . And she was like oh , wow , so sweet , okay . So let me help those who don't understand .
So he's talking about him and his wife having conversations around his disability and actually making jokes um um about it , and the one that made me laugh was he just said that his wife was he was
¶ Discovering wife's bipolar disorder
. He's asking his wife to do something and then his wife is a please free me . And then he goes like ah , but you know I'm lame and like excuse you .
I think the the best way to please . You know I'm crippled , I'm crippled so . So I mean , you know you see me as a creep before you marry me and you're like no , no , no , no , don't use that on me . I I didn't marry you out of pity .
So that won't work .
So we had that flow and for me , when it happened , the first thing was like okay , so this is it . It's part of the deal . A human being is just like an audience . We have layers and layers . I have a friend , you know way . It was my classmates . It was away from I knew him way back from me , fake and his mom . He told me about his mom's case .
His mom is bipolar , you know , so the thing never happened until they lost their sister . That was what triggered it . And after the first crisis they treated she was okay , so she relocated abroad , you know . So she was in abroad , she was okay for years . So they thought , oh , I mean it's a forgotten thing and all of that . She wasn't .
She was no , even no longer on medication , so I think there was a family event or something so she had to come to nigeria and she got to nigeria from the airport , she relapsed . She relapsed , so they have to take her on the next available flight back . To the abroad that she came from . You understand , so what ?
was your own emotional response when your wife had knowing that she knew there was family history . So when she had , of course , somehow you would have thought that , well , this is me assuming . Somehow you would have thought that , well , this is me assuming that you'd have thought that , oh , she should know how to manage it .
So what was what was your first emotional apart from okay , no , we are in this together you didn't general standard , pity thing . What was your first emotional response when she had that first psychotic break ?
I think my first emotional reaction was like God , why this ? You understand , like no another one .
I'm dealing with one .
I don't know . No , another one , I'm dealing with one , I don't know . I didn't see it like that , because it's like you gave me this bowl , so why put this mix in it ? You understand , you gave me this cocktail or whatever you understand . So why this this , you know ?
So , um , but I stood my ground because I was like okay , after all , even me myself , let me go by doing me , me yeah and so well . So we'll deal with it , but at the point it was overwhelming . It became overwhelming , you know , when they were practically nobody left and right , and just at that last moment .
That's why some people in your life you know you look at them and you see them look at them in a certain way . They don't understand what is going through your mind some people are not just human , they are the hand of god in your life . You understand , so at that .
There was a particular day I was like I'm I'm done , I've had enough , I'm calling these quits , you know . And somebody just came in then and said Daddy , go and see your girlfriend . They are aware . So , Okay , what's the problem ? This , this , this , this Okay , and we moved on from there .
Did she see the psychiatrist ?
That was , that was that was a little issue and that's Well , that was a little issue and that's all . I'll talk a little about it to also enlighten . You see , in marriage , you know , the first thing that helped me was the fact that I was prayerful about the time I met her , because there were quite a number of people I had in mind then .
So you know , so I had no doubt that , okay , this is God's choosing , and I also had the understanding that the fact that it is God's choosing does not mean it will be perfect . Okay so let me , let me , let me . It will be perfect in the sense that it that it won't have your human .
You understand , okay , so let me help . Let me help someone listening to this now , because I think that we've gotten to the point or what I see when I read or see social media posts and all of that and the way we protect our mental health .
We are saying that because you have faith , because you believe in God or you have some form of religious inkling or leaning where you can manifest or you know the things , that then there is not supposed to be obstacles no , no , you know .
The thing is they've been telling us a lot of wrong things about god and that's it's been messing up people's brain . And don't forget that we are africans , we're coming from this , we are , we are a highly spiritual people . Our spiritual is functional . That's why sometimes we fall into a whole lot of superstition .
Right Now they've been telling us a whole lot of motivational nonsense about God . Look , there's volcano . It's violent , it's destructive . It's violent , it's destructive , but even in that violence of that volcano , there's the sweetness and mercy of God . Manifesting Planes crash A whole generation of people and dreams go with it Along which I imagine .
God is still God .
You understand .
So that God is , God does not mean that there won't be challenges .
There won't be challenges , you understand those are look . I want to capture this emotion , but look at , look at , look at , look at petroleum do you know the process that formed those things ?
The archaeologist says that if the age of the world were to compress into a 12-month calendar , we humans came somewhere late in November . So from January to November God was preparing the earth for us . Those process of preparation , a lot of things went into it .
The petroleum we are enjoying I mean countries , nations are enjoying today , people , it is human , it is carbon from life existence , that was captured over years that formed that we are now enjoying . You understand . So what happened ? What is the fate of all those life , the dinosaurs , the people that were extinct for us to enjoy today . So God is still God .
Whatever challenge you're going through does not make God less still God . Whatever challenge you're going through does not remove , doesn't make God less of God .
Let me , let me . I want , I , just I wish now , I wish I had told you to bring her , and you know what I want you to . If you can go back to that moment when she was diagnosed and you found out and you know she had a crisis .
What happened was that we had a misunderstanding there was , it was a , it was a neighborhood thing . You know we had a committee , community and you know . One other thing I would say is excuse me in managing mental , mental health , you must have a strong support network . Yeah , it starts from the family , immediate , you know .
Imagine you have a lifetime of having to take some drugs you know , so also you must have that's a strong support network of people . It could be faith-based network , it could be friends , it could be whatever . So there was an issue , a little misunderstanding , and you know , in my own response deal with it , deal with it . I can't be bothered about that .
So in doing that , she felt betrayed that . I should have been a little bit more understanding , know the details and react differently how did you guys now navigate that ?
so that was what triggered it .
That was what triggered it . Oh
¶ Navigating the relationship through crisis
, oh , that was what triggered it . I just came in and I saw her . She was curled up in a fatal position . You know and I knew okay , Dari , I've done this one . This is different .
Okay . So of course we know that thriving is a choice and I'm wondering why you chose ? Because we were talking and I said I know , you know , I live with bipolar and you were like I have a wife who's thriving . Why are you using that word ?
Well , both of us are language students so yeah , I said thriving , because now she's a mental health advocate herself you know , I mean she , she's , she talks about it openly , she's mentoring a number of people and family on mental health , you know . So she's thriving , because at a point she was living in denial . Oh yeah , you know , and that is dangerous .
Denial is dangerous , but accepting it the opposite of denial doesn't also make it easier either , because that means you have to embrace the reality of having to take drugs every day and all of that . Well , you see , my wife could well . You must know the trigger points , you must know the red flags , you know when we talk .
The first thing I want to know is when did you go to bed last night and when did you wake up ? My husband ?
should be here . Okay , so now , why do you guys ask us that question ? No , no , no , because sleep is important yes .
My wife can complain about anything .
But then when she said I can't sleep , but then when she said I can't sleep , Okay , what can we do ? You understand ?
So the first thing I want to know . Okay , so what is happening there ?
Oh , my goodness .
So you must know the trigger point but most importantly , you must be there . I remember one of the one of her rounds . Sometime I followed her to uh . We were using uh neuropsychiatric hospital arrow okay , no , abecuta , abecuta and um , there was a lady .
She was just staring at us and you know we're always a cantankerous bunch bit of you bit of us cantankerous in the sense that always making fun pity you understand , you know so the lady was just looking at us at a point . She now came and met me and said sir , I appreciate you .
Said , madam , you're lucky he said she just , she got married just two years ago . She had her first crisis shortly after marriage and that was what broke the marriage , you know , and there has never been anybody there for her , and even her parents find it hard to follow her to Aru , you understand .
I mean , like Aru is just , he's just a hospital now you know , if we start that conversation we're not going to finish . Yeah , so the ?
first thing , you know you , you must get enlightened . You know there is a whole lot of superstition and stigma around mental health . You know , and I think that's even a bigger chunk of the problem . You know , because the moment you fall into that um stigma and that superstition , you , you missed it , it's a , it's a wrong tone .
And then you , yes , well , we , I mean we're spiritual people pray about it . I would do a lot of that . Hey , I'm a Muslim , if any Muslim out there , if you know what Rukia is all about .
I mean , I mean Rukia is Islamic will of exorcism , oh , deliverance , you understand , you know , I mean I subscribe to all of subscribe to all of that too , but but you must know where spiritualism stops and where medication can be medication . Physicality never stops . Medication should be part of it , of it .
Okay , you understand so I have a question again . I wish my , I wish maybe , maybe , maybe there'll be another episode where she'll come . You'll be here , my husband will be here and we'll all just have conversation .
We'll be asking you to support the questions .
I think we should do that sometime soon so what have you discovered about love from being in this kind of emotionally fluent relationship ? Because what you've just described is an emotionally fluent relationship .
Well , love is a hard nut to crack , you understand . Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind , like they say .
Okay , what do I mean ?
by that , please . You see , we all those meals and booms and fake spirituality did all those wrong things . They told us about God that if it is of God , they must be perfect ?
No , we're not angels .
When God wanted perfection , he created angels . Those are the ones that are perfect because they don't have will . That's why judgment will not be visited on them . But as humans , we have will . You understand ?
So we make choices .
Now this thing called love . You know , first you must accept you as a human being . Are you complete ? Are you perfect ? No , you're not . So how come you think the other person is perfect ? Are you perfect ? No , you're not . So how come you think the other person is perfect ?
You know , because I love you , you love me does not mean everything should perfectly fit . You understand , there's a , there's a , there's a rhythm , there's a , there's a , there's a , there's a , there's a frequency that has set into your personality and mine too . So to get those frequency to harmonize is not just going to happen overnight .
Something , one or two things would have to give along the way . For example , I am a , I'm a nit freak , my wife is a bit of a clutter because that's the way I bring works she understand she couldn't be bothered about all those details why everywhere must be speak span and all that there's so much already in my head , so let me help you .
Let me just help you . There's so many things already in our head , like I was still thinking about the gf today . Um , that , because when I was younger , you know , my space had to be a certain way and , if you remember , in the queer firm too , you don't touch my , don't touch my cds don't touch my pen you know because I've put it there .
So there's a lot going on in our heads already that we're trying to , we're trying very hard , um , to make the compulsive part of our disorder to work for us and not against us . So , yeah , I couldn't bother if I . I couldn't bother if the , I really couldn't bother if the place was .
I really yeah , yeah . So that One of the way . I mean just last weekend we had that conversation that if we had been living together 24-7 , we would probably have broken up . So you guys don't live together 24-7 .
Now , yeah , oh , okay , from day one .
Oh alright . Even before the crisis came . Oh , okay .
You understand .
And another thing was that our frequencies . I burn like diesel , she burns like petrol .
It helped my non-chemical diesel burns slow or longer .
In terms of energy , okay but she , she can go from zero to one to hundred in a moment , you understand . So one moment . So that's why it's I'm a bit of the more of the rational type and all of that . And one moment she does things . I take time to get worked up , but once I'm worked up I don't get I'm worked , thank you .
So the next minute she said she's now joking . And now me ? I'm now looking like the Alasheju you understand okay , just this weekend . Okay , we went to Idumata together , right , and okay , she went to do her thing . I have to wait for her to take her back now , together , right and um , okay , she went to do her thing .
I have to wait for her to take her back . Now , you know , you do not matter . Now Maru say you can stay , so , okay , let me just go and turn and come back . That took me three hours , wow . And she has an appointment , a class to take . You know , we got to do matter around 10 .
She has a class by one , and around around 11 we've got to do around one , she has a class by one . So , just for me to go and talk , okay . So why she was shouting ? She was angry , madam , she's true , calm down . What do we do now ? Okay , you know what , go to come and meet me at Central Mosque , so so so come and meet me there , Okay .
Okay , she's not doing that Me . I've moved on . Okay , what's the next option ? You understand ? Meanwhile , she's still angry , that you know so so me , I'm always like the okay , what's the next thing ? But she , when she's stuck in that emotional part , she's stuck . So I had to go and take a detour , meet me at adeniji , okay .
So we met at adeniji eventually she was . So I was like okay , map Mabinu , because I know what I went through , how much fuel I burned and all of that to take that little to be there .
And she's still she was still upset ,
¶ Love isn't perfect: Finding connection
she was crying , and guess what ?
A few minutes later she was all smiling . So come here , mabinu .
And Mia was angry . You were still upset that she didn't understand where you were coming from . Again , we're going to have that conversation where bumi will be here .
She'll be here and for us , we just I think it's a conversation we should have demystify . You know this whole thing about mental health especially among couples .
I think we should have that conversation mental health challenge shouldn't be a reason that couples should break up oh my goodness , this conversation I'm trying very hard for us to keep it within an hour so that we don't lose people so , if your love story because you love books , if your love story and because you love books , if your love story was and I know
you love music- Mm-hmm . If we're going to pick a soundtrack to this dual vulnerability of what your family is , what will be the soundtrack ? Nice , which nice ? The ?
soundtrack nice , which means I can't deny that I love that she be the woman of my life bros no , be like . And incidentally you know we share that song between us . Oh , that's nice . And why I picked that song is because Rough Are the Edges , sometimes it's down , sometimes it's hard , but hey , you must always find that connecting point .
You understand .
One God has a purpose while you are there . Two she can deal with . You can both deal with this together , if God has brought you together for a reason that you can both deal with this together . If God has brought you together for a reason that you know , you have the strength to pull together . To pull together and don't do away with your support network .
What's the small daily ritual that , since you say you guys don't stay together ? What's that daily ritual that , since you say you guys don't stay together ? What's that daily thing that fosters bonding between both of you ?
We talk every morning . No , we talk every day , and I mean every day .
Do you think the distance helps the relationship stronger ?
She's not comfortable with it , but sometimes she appreciates it . So we call and every morning she knows . If you call my wife right now , she knows where I am , she knows what I'm doing . So we always have , okay , that synergy , that synergy , that synergy , you know ? Uh , so that's the daily routine , that helps . And , um , we , we , we , how do I put it ?
We almost didn't have , don't have any secrets that's nice let me share something with you please go ahead .
I hope it's , it's not .
X-rated . No , it is . It is . That was a day way back . I was in the studio I was receiving some messages . Somebody was a girl , I mean a lady wanted to come and see me and I can't remember who she was . Guess what . I called my wife . I mentioned the lady's name . I said do you know this person ?
And she told me the lady you told me you met at patutomi's birthday at golden gate restaurant . Okay , she was one of the ushers that day , you understand .
So that's how much I'll close you guys are , you know , share she is more . She has more of the photographic memory again , like I said this emotional fluency between the two , so I would hopefully this will be the last question I'm going to ask you complete the sentence for me . I wish more people knew that love is not supposed to be perfect .
Perfection is not part of the mix in love , you know , and there are some things you can . Everybody had their own deal breaker , right . But once you have that understanding that he's not supposed to be perfect I am not either so how do you work around it ?
You know , of course there are some basics , right , loyalty , trust , trust , yeah , yeah yeah , stuff like that yeah , you understand . Loyalty , trust those ones are important mutual respect . So once you have those , there is nothing , you cannot deal with nothing . Another thing there is nothing , you cannot deal with Nothing .
Another thing as grievous or as important as those three is that spiritual compromise .
When I say spiritual compromise , the Bible says can two work together ? We ?
agree , you can be Christian , she can be Muslim . That's not the issue , you understand . You see , agree , you can be christian , she can be muslim . That's not the issue , you understand . You see , when the way we accept all this .
This abrahamic religion is is is . That's not good .
You know , you can be christian , she can be muslim , but spiritually you can still be well aligned . There's only God and God .
You understand .
You don't let in anything . When you talk about evil or devil , you think it's one demon . Do you know as small as envy , as small as greed can open the door to a whole lot of evil . Beyond that , you don't share the same religion . You understand . People don't know this . They put so much emphasis on wherever you are .
Whomever you have chosen to connect with God with . Thank you so much Dari my pleasure , Thank you so much Dari my pleasure . Thank you . This conversation has done something to my heart . I'm sure that I feel seen , and I hope that those who are also living with some mental health question ill health to be specific know that you have a community with us .
Sometimes we think that love is what we do for the other person , but what if it's also about what we allow in ourselves ? What if most generous thing you could ever do is to let someone see your scars and still stay open ? Um , listening to diary , I wish I could capture every his expressions at some point .
Um , when he was talking about his wife , when , um , when they found out , when , when she felt betrayed . I wish I could have captured that , but I felt right now it's just a secret . I'm so honored that you shared those expressions with me .
And listening to you and how you navigate the partnership , the emotional fluency , the tendency sorry , the tendernessency , the tendency uh , sorry , the tenderness , not tendency um , from a place of many people , your vulnerability , hers , and how you guys joke and carrying on with it .
And , of course , your final word that says you wish everybody knew that love was not meant to be perfect . Thank you so much . And isn't that all that we want ? Yes , I want to love us , to be chosen , to be the one to be with the person that we chose , even when we feel unworthy . But love to feel safe enough to unravel and still be held .
Oh , my goodness , you're listening today and you feel very heavy . I told you about this . This season , we're going to be more certain , we're going to be more open . We're going to bleed and heal together .
Whether you are the one with the label or the one holding someone's hands who has a label , please know that , as Dari and his wife has through Dari's lenses right now , the dual vulnerability is no weakness . It's some kind of miracle if I got that correctly . Yeah , it's some kind of miracle and yes , it takes work , but the beauty it's in the work .
I really really like us . So let's do some emotional check-ins before we go . Remember that you can ask yourself or someone close to you , how are you ? And you know that that how are you is a code for how are you really and create a space for this person to respond . And don't forget to journal um , write your thoughts , um .
Offer support to yourself first , then you'll be able to offer to others . My name is Oluwad Sumise or Ladapokoku . Love yourself , love your neighbor , love your country . Above all of this , love God . He is the essence of your being . You can follow me on socials . Tumishe has an N in it T-U-N-M-I-S-E .
Mindfully , tumishe , go to the website and you can send me a DM , and you can always leave a message . Just look at this link , the description of this episode you just see . Send us a text . Send us a text and we get to it . Thank you , daryl , for coming .
Thank you . This is beautiful , I mean amazing stuff you're doing here . Thank you , and , uh , thank God for you . Thank
¶ Closing thoughts on vulnerability and healing
God , um , that self discovery and that's consistent . You know , there's this thing about radio If you're really a radio person , it doesn't leave you Never . It doesn't leave you Never , never , really . I've taken a sabbatical , but already I'm restless , I'm looking . I can't imagine .
In my house , in my , in my , in my , I have a study , I have everything for the podcast already .
Yeah , I can imagine everything for the podcast already .
Yeah , you know I just one or two things and I'm good to go . So this is a this lovely , this is something you're doing , and I thank God for your courage to be able to own that experience and heal Not only heal from it . You own it and you're now using it , because one of the greatest places the devil thrives is in ignorance .
And secrecy and secrecy and shame , and shame and guilt . You understand , you know All of those things shouldn't have to be around mental health . You know it shouldn't have to be . It can be dealt with you know , and it's only that it's not the same way .
You just take antibiotics for syrup for your malaria , and all that because it's oftentimes more or more rooted in things external .
Stories of origin .
Heredity trauma , somebody died , somebody said something you know , Even flash of light , you understand . So treating mental health is a holistic thing , you know . So that's just the challenge about it , you know . Thank you for what you're doing . Thank you very much . God bless you .
Thank you very much and I'm going to set up that meeting for four of us . We're going to have that recording that would be nice . Yeah , thank you very much and remember as always , you're seen , you're loved and you're never working alone . Until next time , stay mindful .