Redefining Masculinity Through Cultural Challenges

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Today we're still talking um , we're still collecting stories from men and we're still talking with men as we prepare for a fight for life , and today I have also a very , very , very , very special friend in the house . For those who have read Living Mindfully , my editor is here . Yeah , I think this is the first time he's coming to the studio .

Through this conversation we'll know why you're going . I am going on and on and on . Maybe through this conversation , we'll know why you're going . I am going on and on , but it is about Femi . Today I'm just going to be asking questions and he talks . So you guys , you guys be ready , you guys be ready .

So this silent battle is we're going to be taking specific look into mental health challenges men face , and I know this man . I know this man well to an extent and I know that he's been through hell , high waters and everything in between and he's been such , such , such a good friend .

I can hear people say , yeah , somehow , somehow , somehow , I have mostly I connect met with men easily . The story of that is going to come out soon . The book is on the way , but for now , let's just take us on Femi Adibingwi . How are you ?

And then I also feel that , um and we've talked about it , um , we talk about it all the time that you know the flip side to that kind of experience is that you are in a position where , whatever weakness you are you've had , whatever experience you've shared that is not pleasant , you can use it to help others too .

There is a portion of the scripture that says that god gives us comfort . So that's not because we want to be comfortable I'm paraphrasing but to help those who are in discomfort as well , and and we can comfort with the comfort that we have . Yeah , you are being comforted . Yes , yes . So it's just , that's the way .

Once I add that worldview , it's easier to deal with whatever issue that needs to be dealt with . One of my friends recently went through something and I just realized I was the one he kept calling , you know , and I just realized I was the one he kept calling , you know , he just kept calling , just FMDs was going .

I said , guys , so in fact , the day I knew there was a problem , he said you know what ? Because he outlined so many things . He said do you know that he's a Christian ? He said if it's easy to commit suicide and I will not go to hell or anything I will have done it . Wow .

So once he said that I just now I told him you know what in fact they were . You know , that way , like when you go through something , there's like different blocks along the way . I said no , this one , this is how you knock it out , forget it . Because I had gone through like same thing . I said , no , no , this one , forget this one .

You know he was worried about a friend . I said come , you go through this experience . You are going to lose friends , so you have to be okay with that . Just forget that . You're going to lose people and I said it's part of the package , you know , so I was .

I now called on my friend On the outside . He was doing okay . I just called him . Hey guy , this was going on and someone would hold me in high esteem , him initially was not picking my calls . When I say you , why have you not picked michael ?

So this guy on this on the outside , I don't want to give too many hints because he's like a leader in the industry where he is . He was going through his own struggles and I said this was gonna say what ? But you , I saw you granting interviews as yeah , no , no , this is what's going on . I say wow , wow , so it it was .

I remember my conversion with just go back to your question and I remember I got to know people more , know yourself . They now knew God . They now said something . He said he wasn't praying the way he was praying before because he had done everything that he could do . He had gone to this church , he had gone to the mountain , he had come down to the valley .

He has , he has , he has . He has been everywhere . And I said you know , I really have to now find a tailor made approach for him to , which is something I did as well . I had to start making adjustments here and there . This is what I had believed for some time , but this is the way to go now . So I knew myself . I also knew God .

There was a new people . You know , one of my favorite scripture person to study during that period was Job , and I think I shared that in that revelation . It's not so much about all those things , but how the people who were Job's friends , had already , you know , analyzed Job's life , told him what he was supposed to do .

What they were saying was just markedly different from what God was saying . So Job had a perspective , his friend had a perspective , god had a perspective . Job knew something about himself , he now knew something about his friend and now knew something about God . Those are the three dynamics . That that's what I kept saying .

Yourself , people , god , once you can get that one sorted out , get your assignment , forget .

And I know for a fact that even science let me not say science , it's what scientists come at me Psychology is also saying now that people will have faith in a higher power , find it easier to pull through mental ill health and even mental health questions like anxiety , the everyday ones that we see , depression and all that people who have an anchor on a higher

power tend to come out faster and more robust and more perceptive about

, about life . This is psychology speaking , and we have chosen . I don't hide it , I'm a christian . I follow god through christ . We have chosen through christ , so , don't worry , we're not going to anon date you with that today , but was something that needed to be said because of the job reference that he made .

Okay , so we're talking the silent battle of the and understanding mental health struggles nigerian men face . I'm I'm trying very hard here not to be extremely you know form informal with you and you know personal , but could you share a bit of your personal journey with mental health ?

I came from a peculiar kind of family where I had to really become like a parent to my nieces and nephews , who were abandoned . They were abandoned , my place was like a sanctuary , were extinct , so I just had to . My place was like a sanctuary for everybody .

So I just took up that responsibility that , look , if nobody's going to be a father to these people , I will , and I in my head . It's going to be like two or a few years . That then lasted over a decade , you know , um , so I just , I just had to , you know , just start to step up . You have to just step up , get on .

So things were in , it was okay , but when the burden was just because it also affected me economically , financially , so it was just , that period was not really nice at all . Um , I also came from a background where , um , um , I'd become the kind of person who I maybe because of my background , I wasn't from . I didn't have any .

A lot of people say I don't have a lot of heirs around me . If I'm going through something , I can tell you . If I have economic challenges , I say guy , I don't have this , I tell easily you know , so that's happened . I , I also , when that detail of that , I also felt a need to leave your staying without necessarily getting and that place ready .

So that was a worst experience of my life . In fact , it was a worst experience of my life . It was there were days I was like you know , you just didn't know , you don't even know . I mean , I lived in a guest house . For I lived in a guest house for about a year .

What a lot of people did not realize was that I , I didn't want to stay , I , just my family , everybody was just staying away . I just need some time to clear my head . I , just my family , everybody was just staying away . I just need some time to clear my head .

So I just didn't want to stay in the place , where people would not be wondering , you know , but I was just there . I was scared , a part of me was fearful , because it's a place I had not been before . Um , you know , then we used to talk . You know , we talk extensively that this , this , this in . We talk extensively about this , this , this .

In fact , there was a time I remember calling you . You told me this group , this group , stay away from them . I was like , ah , this person is an extremist . You know , staying away from those groups was part of the healing process that began for me , and that's the truth .

I just realized that there was a lot of pressure , and I always go back to that joke .

I know it's not religious , but it's almost as if , okay , these people don't understand what you're going through , or their own understanding or their own solution to your problem is this is what we're taught in church , this is what happened , so this is what we have to tell you .

So I realized that if I keep interfacing those people , we are going to have it . So when I just stayed away from this that if I , it was , then that period I learned that it is possible to love people you know and not being friends with them .

I love you , but I would love you from a distance because you are going to bring a whole lot of package into my space that I can't deal with . You can't relate with what I am going through . So when I now started understanding purpose in terms of okay , why did he go through all this ?

Then , as he passed that period that's why I said earlier I now realized that I had loads of friends who , because they knew he was , he was going through some things they could now open up to me . People just come , I just realized that this person , like I said I don't want to mention names , I just realized about that time .

I had like four or five friends who are going through divorce and many of them do not tell anyone , but just if any , you're in a place where you know , I think that you might understand . Yeah , I understand . Look , this is what I'm going through and I say you know what ? Please , please , don't .

In fact , there was one that came to me and I said look where you are now . Pack up out of that place , immediately Pack out of that place immediately .

Once you eat a particular , there are certain expectations people have of you . Once you marry , there are certain expectations they have of you . If you marry for a number of years and you don't have a child , people start asking questions . If you have male child , you have female child alone start asking questions . If you have just one child , they ask questions .

So you have a lot of people trying under the name , under the guise of caring for you , because our culture is like that . You know it takes a village to raise a child . You have to also know the quantity , quality of the village people . You know if , if they are being chased by something you know or project their own problem onto your life .

So you have to be very , very careful . That is a burden . Then you know , at the religious part , where people , there is a section of our religious and I'm not speaking for particular religious a section of our religion that is devoid of empathy , where it's just like this what the book says now come on , snap out of it . Do you understand ?

Once you have that and the cultural , you know it's a double whammy , just like this thing , and you , you and the person can't see anything . Nobody is willing to listen to the person . That's what I experienced and I started talking to people . This my friend I I mentioned in the beginning . He opened up to me . He said what's going on ?

I'm like , okay , um , just yeah , we had to walk through me . I'm not a trained therapist . If I used to recommend , I used to recommend . Please go and talk to a therapist , let him talk to you . But from my own little experience , what you are going through , people have gone through it . People have gone through worse and they survive .

But understand that this baggage and a lot of the times it comes with all this you are your it to drop this baggage or this cultural burden the religious burden . That is why you have to do . You don't have to .

You have to really take care of yourself mentally , that your mind is free of expectation of things that you should have done , that you've not done . But you are late , you are denied or you are behind and then don't put yourself and that's in that mold , it's not , it's not healthy for you . So why do you are behind or anything ?

Don't put yourself in that , in that mold .

If you take those two away , people can be somebody who is irresponsible , who doesn't care about culture , can do anything , can go to club drink , give you money , I say that's my , I don't care , you call me responsible , that's your business . Once you take away those two burdens , you know you are not because those things expect you to act in a particular way .

Once you have a mental issue , there is a way you have to act . If you're , if you are a religious person , people are looking up to you . You are going through issues , but you can't sit . There is this video that I watched , um , this video of this boy that went to heaven , td jakes , my focusing name , this boy that went to heaven , robert leonard .

There's a one . They did a few out of it , but as a portion of the because the real life story . There's a portion of the movie that I liked . The boy had died and had left his body and was now looking at his father . His father is a pastor and he had prayed for his son to be healed .

And the father went into a room and he was shouting at God how can I be working for you ? He was really hungry , but he didn't want anybody to see that . So when the boy came back into into the body , into his body , he told us that say , I saw you , say you are there , you're angry with god . So I was like , okay , how will god look down ?

Like I said , I'm a christian , so I'm trying to use christian um perspective . I've got to look at this person shouting at me . The boy came up the body anyway , but he had genuine emotion towards God . I don't understand how can this happen ? And and and I think that is what culture and religion quells is that you can't you have it was not question .

I can question . If I don't understand , why is this happening ? You know , I think that release comes that why ? Okay , culture said why should I do this ? Um , it called the culture say that a man marries a woman , and a lot of people are doing that , questioning . Now that you have to take your husband's name . Okay , I don't take my husband .

I like my name is your husband . Okay with that , you know . So there are a lot of areas where you have those questions . And then , because this is where this is where the discontent comes from , where you the anger , the animosity , you can't say anything . Let me just do it , you know .

Um , so , once you can , you can take with that , half of the problem is done . Wow , half of the problem is done okay , so I have a question .

What do you think are the major misconceptions people have ?

have . I think it's the way we project strength of men that a man's strength , for instance , is devoid of emotion . A man is not allowed to cry . A man is not supposed to be weak , a man is not supposed to be vulnerable .

And to be fair to some men you know , like you might say as an example , there are people you've been vulnerable with who are shown you she gay . So instead of saying understanding that that is their problem , you now clamp up that me in this life , vulnerable . It will not happen again . So that's a genuine cause .

But I think that people , just we have to show that you are strong . Um , we've been culturally raised . There's a good part to it where a man has to take up responsibility and he has to do certain things .

And for men who have , who have knocked some of those things off their list , they've done , you have done , maybe they have , you've given at a particular age you must do this thing . But you are on , they give you 10 , you are on 9 , you are good . There's a guy who's coming . He has like 40 , 50 years of life left , but he's on stage 4 .

He's under a little pressure and social media now even amplifies that , because everybody is successful . You know , someone said the average age for a millionaire in America is 60 years . Well now , you know , if you are 25 .

I want to find out my purpose . Who are the people I feel that I'm called to ? If the calling that I have , the purpose I have found about myself , means that my net worth is not going to be more than $100 million , I'm fine . As long as I meet people , I touch lives and shape , I'm okay .

I think that's critical and it takes a lot of courage to say man , I want to do me and I'll be a blessing to humanity . This is the benchmark for what a successful person is . I don't have to drive a Rolls Royce to be successful . I don't have to have a house on Banana Island to be successful .

I don't have to live on the island if I don't like the neighborhood . I don't have to measure my life by the standards you've set . You set your standard as your life . I want to choose my own path in life yeah , all right .

boy child is properly empowered where you , femi , probably empowered to be the man that I know you to be ?

Okay , later , when I spoke with her that's how it happened she said well , she also had her struggles , because she grew up in Akure and she went to secondary school .

The day she returned from school , her dad's brother , her own uncle , said I don't know , I don't know , I don't know , I don't know , I don't know , I don't know , I don't know , I don't know , I don't know , I don't know , why are you sending a girl to school and that man said let her stay at home .

So she said she cried and said there's no need , you'll probably marry you off . So she already had that in her mind , that all her children will get education , at least secondary school . They will get it . And she actually fought for her siblings to get educated . So by the time she came to Lagos she came in rebellion or less .

She was like she wasn't going back to akure , you know , um , and she of course she had the first , the first child or somebody second for someone that it thought I'm fourth for one person . Then I came . Now , the distance between myself and our first one , I think that I trained something . Yes , wow .

So when I was a child , I think that I trained something . Yes , so when I was a child , she would tell that this is my brother , okay , and um , it's so down , was there ?

So , because that distance , and so when I came , it wasn't when I became an adult and I realized that , look , the absence of a father in the life of a boy child is very significant . Um , because that's a person that you , you practically model your life after .

You know that aspect of the , because , I mean , if you grew up in a home where , especially if you grew up in a , face me , I face you , it's easy for families to fight you because you put all women and all that so I I think it was when I got to university . I now realize that , okay , people , homes are not the way mine was . You know they are .

That aspect was not there , thank god , and I had people were like mentors along the way at this as well I mean I didn't know anything around them . I just felt this way we should do .

But I feel that , um , the other thing that helped which is why I said that culture is very invasive is that people stepped up who were not really father figures , who were uncles , and said no , this is what you should do now . Go do it this way , do it this way . So that helped . But at a point , some of those influences don't know where to pull back .

They just want to keep on dictating do this , do this , and then so would you say that you carried the parent wound for a bit ?

You know just where she just went have a child live her own life . Once they get I mean my , I was too old . I was too young for my first first child . That one I left home with her dad . Second child , that one too , I left . But the two before me I was old enough to know . When I was still young I was like , brilliant .

But once secondary school , they couldn't go to university . I just saw a pattern where they would go and get one clerical job to help mom . See , they will meet a man , get pregnant , moving with him . Go . The one after I said okay , this one will be different . Brilliant too in go and get one clerical job , meet a man , became pregnant , moving with him .

There won't be any . So when he came to my turn , I was in fact I was the first who was fortunate . I was okay , I think I can go to university . I think Momsi's business is okay . Because , second , I was like let me just finish something to do to earn some money I think Momsi's business can fund . I discussed with her .

I said let me go and take this jam , because then my wife didn't take it seriously . At the end of the day I'll go on for one job to do , but I said I can actually go to university . So so when I now saw the same pattern trying to rate ed in their own daughters , I said in fact , the first , the second , our daughter had gone to him .

To second daughter , the ones I said no , no , no . I went to park . All of them . I said come and stay here . See , this thing that is happening will not happen to any of you . Both of them the first one is in the UK now . I told that we are going to break these jinx . The person who's going to marry is going to come ask for your hand in marriage .

Normally we are going to come ask for your hand in marriage . Normally we are going to have it doesn't have to be expensive , but you will do a proper marriage , something that they yes , the guy came , he made . You know how are you say this is the father . Because I was like yeah , dad , say this is the father , I welcome the second one .

I said and I realized after , and they also went to university , I made sure they went to you went to Polytechnic Yabatec .

Sometimes , when we discuss issues , there is a tendency for us to overgeneralize and say oh , all men are like this , every person is unique , even though we can have a plethora of options and recommendations but just like you're peculiar . What choices have you made ?

If I had come from a home where those parameters were not there , I didn't need to make all the sacrifices . I made that one . I had no business making the sacrifice .

So if someone back to what I said earlier if someone who has come from a home where everybody is like mommy , daddy , they had like two or three generations of that thing , is normal for them , but for us it was a battle . So we had to just cross that line . And now those are coming behind .

I understand this is a standard , so the one of them now is in here , but they don't want to say I have to go to university . This is like the standard . This is a minimum standard in the family now .

So you go from there and but you have to just thank you for doing that , yeah yeah , yeah you go from there and but you have to just thank you for doing that .

of course . The next question I want to ask is a behavior . So let me just quickly do . Let me segue to how femi and I met . We met in fellowship off of campus , off on campus , um , and we just I don't know he was , you were already leaving school yeah , I'd already left .

You know , I was this tomboy Like we're looking at , like what's wrong with this girl , you know , and guys , I was forget all the makeup you're seeing on social media .

It was like total , total tomboy and I was extreme I still am very unconventional and it was in the church setting and I think that birthed some curiosity yeah , yeah , you're like , okay , who is this girl ? And we've been friends ever since . It's going what 24 , 25 ? years all right , so I'm going to move to seeking support and building resonance .

Thank you , and I'm going to use that . You can choose not to answer , but I'm praying that you answer . I'm going to use that . Early morning that I saw your status , I'm sorry and I lost it . This is about a year ago .

But I also knew Femi was not a quitter , but I knew that this was a call for help . I tried to call her and then I , of course , reached out to Odun and what the heavens happens that day ? What had happened .

There was a conscious effort where people were like you're not taking care of the money , you're not taking care of yourself because I had school bills to pay . I had to pay , um , for this semester . I just make me these things don't repeat itself on this family and all that . So , along the way , um , I also had to move .

You know , I felt a leading to leave where I was staying . It was just , I just needed change , but I didn't plan very well , you know , I didn't plan for it . It took me a while to really then , when I was staying there , because I had committed myself to people who are like friends financially , I wasn't meeting up there's obligation and it was just .

The pressure was just so much . So , you know , at the point in my life I knew I needed to apologize to so many people . That is not who I am . I'm going through a thing , but I didn't know how to . You know , I'm like this is not me . This is not me . Um , I was like what should I do ? What should I do ?

So I just needed to say something to everyone then , even . But there was a part that I never shared , which was what broke me because , um , my mom was very close as a relative that my mom was very close to , very , very close to .

In fact , when my mom passed , she was more or less like everybody was looking to us like mom to , for we're very close , so it was . I just realized that while that was going to run and and and I knew she was the kind of person who had a lot of means to help , but she just didn't help .

So I was like why , because and and for her , for for her , somebody had helped in the past , helped like somebody close to , like I said my place was like a sanctuary for people , you know . So I'm like this place never helped and I didn't know how to ask her . I rather ask my friend . I know she has the resources that this is what .

I need to have , I need money to do some stuff . She never really helped . So that period week I had , you know , when my mum died , she had said some very nasty things . Like I said , christian , I was praying .

She had said some horrible things and we didn't know about it , just felt like this person these are my mum's my mum said she had gone , she had said something . She said that thing like five years prior , someone who had it and I said I've been looking for you , these people , that you came the funeral . This is what they said about you people .

And let me just picture my mum's funeral . Let me explain so that you get the context . When mum died , I told my sisters look , I'm the closest person . She said we should not take her home . She buried in Lagos . And I said , ok , this is what I'm going to do . I'm going to bury her in the cemetery . We bought the coffin and everything .

So from the cemetery , I told her to go home . We thank you for coming . And I said , no , we are going to have a party like a small party . And I said , okay , fine , now at the party , you know , and I did not go . You know me . Now , I don't miss anybody borrowing money .

What we have is but every I had friends one of my friends call it , he's into events decoration . You know , I only got to canopy at the church with the holiday open space , got to kind of work , but I'm gonna came and decorated their sieve . It was money , kui , so it was like these people get money .

My niece then was like the prison worship leader for the church . I said I mean , I'm not doing band . She said no , you have to set up because of her . So she set up a band to play . You know , that thing that was simple now became complicated . So I think these people one of these people were now saying making all .

So the person now told us this is what's going on . No , you people didn't hear this . So that only broke me . I said I was going through all this , no support , I had no financial obligation where I was staying . Then I was still owing them some huge sums of money .

I was like I can you know if I do any work I just end like 203 , it just disappear because you have to . Just I'm like , hey , so I , I was , I couldn't sleep that night . I would , I and I couldn't even pray . I was like , ah god , what's going on ? What's going on ? So , and I said I wanted to type something inspirational . What ?

So eventually I had to not pick call um , but I , I think the lessons were in fact , some other things happened after then where I feel that people you know I said people can re respond to someone going through trauma from a purely religious what is it ? Snap out of it . You know those things .

Um , at that point , but the most painful part was an organization that I belonged to that sacrificed a lot for there was a particular amount . Then I couldn't hold money . So I would give one of my friends , cowardly , I said , just hold the money to me , just any money , because I know I was , you know , I was just . I was just .

I was there , was there , I was walking to michi and I physically felt I was going to remove my clothes and go mad . I was just what was going on . I'll be hearing voices in my head about just I would not go scripture and just say stop it , stop it . I'm like what's going ? on going through . So this organization that I belong to that's .

We had done something , we had raised some money for a particular project . We had done a project . There are people there were I'd say , okay , you are going through this and take this money . I just realized money was not enough . So I had obligation to those people .

They were raised a small amount of money to do something you know and the the person who owns the organization called me and I said , papa , no , no , he had sent a message to me . I didn't tell him any . Just say , son , I'm praying for you . That was a prof , so I'm praying for you . I said , ah , okay , I wanted to share with him .

I was like I went , in fact I'd done the voicemail , like texting me , sent to him . I deleted it . I'm going to tell this elderly man you done the voicemail , like text him . He sent to him . I deleted . Say I'm going to tell this elderly man , you know , he said he's praying for me . He said something's wrong . Okay , just know he's praying for me .

He doesn't know what's going on . So the day I was called , someone called me I should come around and I accused me that the money that we had done like 5.5 , they were not raised , like 150 almost I was all that went around collect 20 , collecting my money , but I just had to just say no because . But my friend got a room . He said can you come ?

I said I said guy , just for now , just let me be . You know someone now , because some people are complaining that oh , this person is giving me money from Someone has accused me that I stole their money . You know , there is this thing about Joba . I had read that the infraction he had with his friends is based on understanding .

I just knew how this is playing out . I know you had told me I should stay away and I said , yeah , she told me to stay away for some time from this group . Remember the other group I vlogged to the second day school , that one too , the crisis too , so I was like what's going on . So I just used that as an opportunity to excuse myself .

See , that's why I said I don't even care . I think that's where that I'm sorry came from . So that was the response I just I'm going to ask you this question .

One day she called me and I said this was going on and she just had crying and I said why are you crying ? He said you are not supposed to be the one that will go through all these things . She said you are looking at the sacrifices you make . It is not fair . You are not supposed to be the one that goes through all these things .

Look at the sacrifices you made . Look at them . They are not abandoners . You are the one who have been taken away . How can I be going through this ? But it never crossed my mind maybe because there is this statement about people having anchors to their soul that if I kill myself , I tell god that . Uh , you know .

So you don't have faith in me again , abby , that religious path would cross my . I said no , whether the stone . But I knew I needed to make adjustments and part of the adjustment was just shedding weight , shedding people , sharing relationships . You love them . But , man , you know what I think ? You just stay how is relationships ?

Know that I genuinely it's not , I'm trying to

. I genuinely . One of my friends offered me a place in Lekki . He said I should come and stay . You can't survive . I said I've been to that street . He said there is absolutely no way I can live in that place . What I said no , no , no , I better live in my suru later . You know I need to stay somewhere . I go out , I take a walk .

I see people , you know . I just see someone laughing . I see someone with a knee . I say how are you doing ? You know there's nobody on the street . You are living in a five-bedroom . I can't stay there . So relationship really helps in terms of coming . That same group or somebody had taken some money from and I told him just hold on .

You know he wrote me a long letter . When I read it I felt like crying . He said Femi , my wife and I just need to write . You've been a blessing to us , you've done this , you've done that . Whatever you're going through , don't worry .

You know , sometimes for weeks I would go back and read that letter because that was what I was expecting for many people , but I didn't get . You know , and something , there's something you always said then and I said ah , to me , she , you know , that's why I said that you , as a prophetic , you don't like hearing it . Okay . So what did I say ?

You care for others , I pray , or something like I'm paraphrasing I hope I pray that more people care for you the way you care for other people , something like that . I know you said it like two or three times my birthday . You kept saying it and I said ah .

But what I find out is that you , you are not . You can't be vulnerable to everybody . You can't . You just have to find your own tribe within your tribe of friends . You have to find somebody who has the capacity to understand your weakness , who is able to say look , I got you . And there is this movie that I always like . This is a best man movie .

Best man , this is black American . There's a character there called Quentin who is not yeah , he's not very , he's not a professional , but when Hapa had problems , he was the first person who saw through Hapa . He said guy , are you okay ? He said I'm okay . He said no , look , we are talking , are you know ?

And for me , I think that is the kind of person I became , so I can see someone I say are you good , okay ?

Finally , what resources or recommendation would you offer to men who are ready to take the first step towards ?

I feel that what crisis does is introduce , introduces people to themselves . There was a report I had , I read , and two years ago , where the md or manager of a bank somewhere committed suicide . Everybody's like this guy is living a life . As all this happened , I I said look , you don't understand what people go through .

Excuse me , remember the , the guy who's a DJ to Ellen .

There are people who can say you are not the only one going through this , you don't feel as if you have nobody else to , because that's where the , the isolation comes in . Shame that , oh , this is what you are going through . You know you are , you are , look at you . You can't no , so we need to get out of that .

So the event november is something you can reach out to and then try and listen to a lot of um to michelle's podcast .

I probably would tell to trust people but make room for their failures . Trust people , love them , but make room . Love people and still let them be far away from you . You can still love them . Just make room for anybody's failures . Make room for their errors , their humanity , their human .

Don't ascribe unto any human what only God is capable of doing or becoming in your life . You made me almost go becoming in your life .

He's a wonderful is a wonderful word for being such a wonderful human being and taking time to understand how I write , because I'm joking . I had taken my books to some editors and they're like how is this girl writing so conversationally ? But thank you so much for taking time to understand how I write . Thanks for having me wonderful , thank you .

So , to everyone listening , please , thanks for having me Wonderful . So , to everyone listening , please go register and let's start this conversation . Let's start this train and lead men , because I personally believe it might be wrong and I might get pushbacks for it .

I've said it over and over in the show , but I believe that if the man is a man , the family is going to be okay , the woman would have no reason to fear , the woman will be safe and you've heard from Femi's story today how he grew up with his mother , his sisters , his father .

The father wouldn't know that , yes , we didn't go deep , because if we went deep , trust me , this conversation will be two hours and I don't want that to happen . So please reflect on this conversation , reflect on yourself , reflect Male and female . Yes , we're talking to men and we're pushing towards a fight for life .

But male , female listening to this , please reflect on this conversation , emphasizing you know that you can contribute to that when you're talking to yourself , you can emphasize to yourself that you can contribute to breaking the stigma , uh , around mental health conversation by starting small .

Listen to this podcast , share this podcast , whether , uh , and , of course , checking your friends , especially the strong ones , and when they leave cryptic messages like I'm sorry run over to them . Run over to them . Oh , I was scared . I was scared . Thank you very much .