¶ Introduction to Men's Mental Health
Hello Mindful Partners , how are you doing today ? Of course you know that is code for . Have you checked in with yourself today ? All right , moving forward .
I promised in the last episode the one we talked about consistency and being fluid that I would have a conversation on mindfully with Sumishe to reflect June as men's mental health month , and today , I'm glad to say , I present to you that conversation .
It was , of course , anchored by Ola and three other men , and they share their perspectives on how they connect with their masculinity in the phase of social conditioning . So enjoy this conversation .
All right , this is Ola , and I'm here to be your host for this episode of Mindfully Ways to Mache with Tumashe . This is the reason it's been . It's been months , really June , yeah and so we're taking this time out to just have conversations with just men , right ? I'm hoping that it's not too hard . You know how guys can be when guys talk .
I'm just hoping it's going to be a bit , but there's no prep here . Nobody's prepping anybody . So whatever it is you hear is how it's going down . I have . My name is Adewale Oluwaparapu right and Corey .
Deyamukbaluye and I'm Olubunmi Kuku .
Why did you put the and in front of your name and Olubunmi Oladapokuku ? Alright , of course I'm Ola and it's good to be here , alright , so I'm going to start with something like well , during christmas , we're talking about what the garden within
¶ Defining What Showing Up Means
is . Uh , okay , so that's , that's um cultivating the garden within when I ask I'm like especially , why are we doing this ? Okay , just me . I like like because I know this can be a lot for men .
Men do usually talk about what it is and going on inside , but this is where i't want to do it , even when you're tired , even when you don't want to do it , but you're still there . So I think that's what showing up for me .
For me , I think that's what showing up means when you're tired , when you don't want to do it , but you have a commitment to meet or deliver , even when you don't want to even be there sometimes , because there are some cases where you don't want to even be there , but commitments will not allow you back down . So I think that's what showing up is .
So what would showing up look like for you ?
Well , I think for me , showing up is exactly like I said trust me there , do the needful and do what is expected and what is expected and not , well , I don't know , I don't do above and beyond any longer .
I don't do that any longer . I just show up . Is what is expected ? Meet everything and that's about it . Okay , what would it look like for you ?
I think for me it's gonna be more of doing what you have to do part-time and doing it as much as best as you can . I say as best as you can because the best today might be different from best tomorrow .
Okay , good , okay . So this question may seem very without borders because you're a man now , so , as you've been conditioned , the idea is for you to show up , show up , right . But what we're coming into is how , even though , as a man , how ? like , like , let me say it is part-time , but how , how often or how do you exert yourself in that part-time ?
Because if you put show up , that's that's the first thing you say show up . You forget about the pattern . Because when it comes , when push comes to shove right , you say you don't do above and beyond . You will forget , like the above and beyond , the shop is what comes up first for you .
So how do you , how do you I know we're having this conversation , you're able to be logical about , about the responses , but I'm saying in terms of life happening to you , right ? How does , how does it feel like showing up ? I know we've given answers , but does answers feel very , very mannish ? But I'm saying in the in , the in , in a so a common work ?
It's a journey from where we used to be to where we're going to , right here , where we are now compared to where we used to be . How is this okay ? So let me , let me put it this way how does showing up feel differently now than used to be ?
okay so . I think last week was my birthday and I didn't see the need to what's that English now I didn't see the need to make so much noise . I guess I'm getting older . I guess I'm getting older , and so I didn't see the need to make so much noise . I didn't tell them in my office that it was my birthday , so they didn't post on my company , cug .
I didn't tell them in my church group that it was my birthday , so they didn't post it and all of that . But persons that watched , saw my Facebook , said all of that , and so that made me conclude one thing . And , as I was saying , it doesn't go , it doesn't want to do , it doesn't do above and beyond any longer .
I remember telling myself that day that I would not do podos . I would myself , that day that I would not do produce . I will not do seas for people that do produce . I don't know if you understand what I mean . So I will not do seas , oceans , for people that do produce .
And so what I do now is , to the best of my ability , I , I , I won't do , I won't do it . My father has a saying that says don't displease yourself
¶ Changing Perspectives on Manhood
to please others . So I will not show up . If it's not going to benefit me , I will not . I will not feel that's pleasure to say okay , they might say something if I don't show , if I don't do this , they might say something if I do it's not transactional isn't it not transactional ?
I'm not saying you have to do something for me to do something for you , but I'm just going towhat I'm saying is , if it does not matter in the next one year , sorry , no , I'm not going to show up like that .
Okay , so I'm going to change the question . What kind of man would you say you're becoming ?
is that for me what ?
kind of man would you say you're becoming ?
yeah , that's , that's , that's um , I don't . I think that's a big question that requires how wise I mean what kind of man ? As in then , when you say what kind of man , then you are measuring it against I'm not measuring it against anything , it's just a statement .
Yeah , the one that is measuring it to your mind well , I'm the best version I can be .
I'm trying to become a better man every time and I don't know what the parameters for becoming better is .
You can give us a parameter so in terms , I believe that everyone wants to become better . I believe so Absolutely .
If there's anything that worries me is that am I better ?
Am I impacted ? No , I'm not impacted as far . Am I better now than I was even last week ?
You know because when I look at my life , I'm like are you any different from the way you've been ?
So it's not in terms of any other person , but in terms of yourself . How far have you come from where you've come from to ? This is the kind of person I really want to be I'm not there . Yet I want to be the kind of father that does this . I want to be the guy .
I want to be the kind of son that is able to say have a conversation with my mother . That is not triggering .
Well , I can't be a son any longer .
But your father . But yes , so that .
But you know in all fairness basically what you are saying is there is still a bar that you are comparing yourself with . It's just that matter of what is that bar ?
That's the question . There's always a bar , except you have died . If you have died , there's nothing to compare to look forward to anymore . But as long as you're still alive , you're looking forward to your children's next birthdays weddings . So you still look up to .
There's still something ahead of you to look up to anymore , but as long as you're still alive , you're looking forward to your children's next birthdays weddings . So you still look up . There's still something ahead of you to look up .
So , in terms of where you've come from okay , right , and where you want to be , where you expect to be , I'm not even talking about material things now . I'm talking about you as a person , in terms of maybe your personal , personal , your thoughts . Maybe you want to be less so . I want to be less triggered by what people say .
I mean , I'm a word person and I'm just . It's just crazy that I'm just realizing that things have been said to me over 30 years ago . I can just remember them and they pissed me off again , and I'm not joking . I'm not joking . They just pissed me off again and I've never thought that , you know , I would be that kind of person .
But because of my journey in self development , in emotional intelligence , a lot of things that I thought had dissipated and now begin to surface and I'm like , oh , my goodness , why am I feeling like that ? Oh , this is it . I didn't deal with them then . I just I just buried them , they didn't go .
So now that I'm doing all the dredging and I'm trying to make life more beautiful , they're coming to the surface and I'm having to deal with . Those are the questions that I'm , those are the kind of questions I think for me .
I think I'm becoming someone that people will remember . Growing up , I used to battle with um not being seen , so I have a mother . I had a mother she's lit now . I had a mother who doesn't believe in expressing yourself . So uh , she would say , if you do this , your younger ones will copy you and do it
¶ Setting Boundaries and Self-Worth
right , so that's one of the things that made me go into journalism , go into poetry and all that , because if I can't say anything , I have to put it down somewhere or my mind would explode right .
And so I was having a conversation with okay , I was supposed to be at an event yesterday and I put on my status and say the urge to wear all black to this all white party is so high . And a friend of mine said you have always caused a stir anywhere you enter . I don't know how you're doing it , but you always cause a stir .
That would never have been me 10 years ago . Maybe some 10 years ago it wouldn't have been me because I didn't believe I should say something , I should speak , I should react . The way I was brought up was to keep quiet , don't say anything . Uh , I see I have an aunt that still reminds me that you don't have to talk too much .
Right .
You are a man , so even when you are angry , even when things are , but now , with the things that I've learned , mixing with certain people , for example , tumishe , for example , has taught me that I don't have to repress those things or else I'll go crazy , right .
And so I think I'm becoming that person that would be remembered , probably not from talking too much , probably from the things that I'm doing , from the things that I will do , or probably from the way like my friend said , the way you carry yourself .
What does that mean to you ?
I guess . So one of the things Hold on , hold on .
So I ask some questions sometimes and people want to answer them immediately and I know you're not giving me the correct answer . Okay , why ?
Because I've thought about it .
Not thought about your answer , but I've thought about the question and if you just give me an answer just because you heard the question , you're most likely not going to give me the answer , so just think about it and we'll come back to you . So what kind of man ? Please don't be diplomatic .
That's my first answer .
My first answer to that now is that that's the kind of person that I've become now . Is that that's the kind of person that I've become now ? I really it's not about carrying a rose , ox , as God you know I've no longer that kind of person that wants to have everybody as his friend , or , please , everybody .
I've reached the point now right where I think age does that to you .
Yeah , yes , and apart from age .
You know the other commitments both at work and at home . But I'm a kind of person that measures the impact level ratio .
You know .
So how much work is done by who , and what is the impact of that ? Right , so , and it may end up looking as if it's all calculated .
However , I have come to the point that the kind of person I am now is this If the people that gave birth to me , if they only took care of the children they gave birth to , they will still be alive , because everyone they took care of the children they gave birth to , they would still be alive , because everyone they took care of their children .
Those ones have taken their parents abroad now , right , yeah , so if their own parents are taking care of them . Maybe they will have died too , who knows ? So I've reached a point . Yeah , so we have to measure all these things by . You know . To me she said we live backward and understand forward , or whatever the case may be .
So , looking back at those now , even this morning I was having a conversation with my wife and somebody is calling me now and asking if I only add this money . I said , well , I'm not going to advise you on that . You're a wise woman , figure it out .
But me , it is a matter of impact level ratio .
All right If it's going to be detrimental to my mental health and well-being . That's the end of Solomon Grundy . You know , at Muson Centre , where I work , I've arranged all the things I do to be only on Monday and Tuesday so that I can have my Tuesday and Wednesday . So Monday , thursday , the things I do to be only on Monday and Tuesday .
So , like I have my Tuesday and Wednesday , so Monday , thursday , friday , I wake up whenever I want to wake up for my own . Yes , of course that means that finances will cut down , will cut down , but I've reached a point where it could come . You know , it's a matter of impact level ratio and I'm just going and I'm going and that's it .
I went to the estate meeting today simply because I was grumbled about something . They I get triggered . Also , I go from , I go back from work . Last week my neighbor caught my trees because it was leaves were falling to this compound . My number reaction was one one banding it . The next day I called my gardener yeah , prune it a bit more .
So that let me feel like I'm the one that prune this . So that's where I am at the moment , like no time .
Right , right , Okay so .
Okay , so what's the question ?
Don't worry , I'll ask you again .
I'll repeat myself .
What kind of man are you learning to become ? Okay , I think I'm just learning to be the kind of guy that has an impact Impact on where I am right now and impact after , the reason being that it's a lot easier , if you look at it from a man has to provide .
It's a lot easier for you to keep giving , it's a lot easier for you to keep being there for everybody , but then what about being there for everybody ? But then what about being there for yourself ? It's a lot easier for you to do things for people , but then what happens to being yourself , right ?
So for me , it's more about impact in sense that make sure you're doing things for yourself , you're doing things for people around you , right ? And make sure whatever it is that you're doing is impactful and makes sense , right ? There's really no need doing something that doesn't make sense at the end of the day . And you now start wondering why why ?
why I think what you have done was you have brought somebody much younger , because it seems that all the all the responses are in the area of impact .
But if life shows you , but seriously , if life shows you man .
So when you say there are lines of impact .
I suddenly realized that the only thing that we have left .
My father will say something to me and I'm saying this because we talk a lot- like me and my dad is late now so , of course , six years , you will say something , it says it in Europe , but that , if your father , the only thing that you're remembered by is when you leave this world is your action , and that action would now remain when you are gone and with
your children . So I think that everything that we should do gender aside now should be about impact because , it's if . If you know how soon people forget about people , you would know that the only thing that you should really does that ?
No , no mean that you're leaving for people okay , so my mother had this policy of leaving how I want to live , how we now impact you , but I will do what I think so you or the receiver .
The receiver okay , so it can . It can be something you think is impactful and doesn't impact them .
It's just as long as it was good for you , not good for me . As long as I am what's that ? English , I don't want to use the word .
I mean conscious , in terms of I feel like , as long as I am what I don't want to use the word . I mean I feel like as long as the action that you took was good for you .
I've taught lessons that I've learned very well and I've had the Ministry of Education come and say it's a bad lesson , you all right . And then I have the Ministry of Education from England come and say it's a good lesson , right , outstanding lesson . So that now begins to tell you that it's not about doing you .
You don't want to do you and isolate yourself Right , and at the same don't want to do you and isolate yourself Right and
¶ Outgrowing Toxic Friendships
at the same time you want to insulate yourself . You know from . You know we are saying all of this and whether you want to say we should bring a younger person or not , but I could Just to hear the perspective of someone who's not even busy .
My son is going to be 10 , yeah , and he's already telling me I'm going to learn barbecue so that I can deliver to people , so that I can have some money to buy provider . It's just that . It's just give an example . Everybody here has been told about hell . Hath no fury like a human scorned , and everybody in the world knows about that .
But the feeling of being scorned is not is for every human , not for the human , and that is why when a man that has been scorned reacts , all right , nobody is prepared for it you know so and because of that , every man has been told . You know that . You know you can do this . You can do that , you know . So I understand .
When we say impact , the impact from my own point of view is this I would check it without being without how I put it . I will look at what it is in it for me and for the person and if it's a good decision , I'll go by it now if it's not , it doesn't impact you .
The way you want , you expect it then you're also a human being .
Do it yourself you get my point . You also a human being , do it yourself . So I mean , my boss will say I don't know why you come , you leave your . Are they chasing you at home ? Why did you get to work at seven ? I said , well , that's your own .
So that I can leave at two .
You come at 11 , but you cannot go to keep me here till six because you got here at 11 . I've put in my hours . I'm going if it's if what I'm doing doesn't , it doesn't really , I don't have to greet you yes , so the impact for me if you want to perpetrate your existence after you've ? Left and , as a musician , just write albums .
Now , people keep on dying after you die , you know . But if you keep on going about , what will people say about me after I have ? left the tendency of dying young is very , very high . I agree with you . Yeah , it's very very high .
I really don't care what people would think .
I agree with you . I'm a little burnt out , so the thing is .
I think I took that from my mom she that woman doesn't care what people will say , she just do it .
So , like he said , you now determine if that's impactful , because perception matters .
So if I say I'm doing this to impact you and you say I'm not doing enough , but that's the best that I can do , I'm doing this to impact you and you say I'm not doing enough but that's the best that I can do .
It's got to the point where so you got to the point where all of me and the feeding of the children in the school is now 300 000 there , right , why can't you not cook for them to take to school ?
I don't want to do it well at this point in time I was like I did not say anything more than that and I know I give when the receipt for school fees came minus 300 . They've not called me in the school not to ask me why did you know I'm not eating in ?
School or why they are eating in school , or why they are eating in school , I did not even bother . It's not part of what I want to do . And that's the end of Solomon Grundy .
You know so you come to realize you know and I think also no , I'm not going to allow you to go there . I need to know at what point did this mindset of peace like I just want peace , I don't want trouble , Even to some people that be a , I want trouble , I don't want peace . It depends on how you look at it right .
For me it looks like I just don't want any kind of stress . When did this ?
come . I think mine came . It started from the person of my mom . He was building up and building up . Then it culminated in the passion of my dad . Okay , you know , then I even I spent two weeks at one place , one time , like that , you know , and that was because I was keen on getting the students in the school to behave well at all times .
So I had gone and given them some very stern warning . The stern warning ended sending me off to a rehab home . The children eventually got expelled later , but I lost the job , I lost everything . Then I said , you know , what eventually . All these people are trying to make their life better some people's children anyways . Alright , so yes , I'm going to .
I want to live long . I have so many vices . That is cutting my life short already , so I'm putting emotional stress to make it shorter and honestly , it makes you emotionally available to me , it makes me emotionally available For your things that matter .
Yeah , for my family precisely Nothing that really upsets me the other things , the other extensions , the other jarrah that you are always carrying around . No-transcript , Eh , that's it .
And I think setting those boundaries right is something that , as men , we have to be very intentional about . You know when I asked the question of showing up and you said commitment and you said part-time .
Is that setting of that boundaries that allows you to be able to say , okay , I'll do this right , but I know it's not something you they won't kind of nonsense to you next time just because you did it once and all that ? Okay , fine , you have something to say ?
add to no , I think most people have said to do it .
I think it's so impactful .
It's so impactful that my boss called me this morning and she said I know you love your time . I'll make this as short as possible . Where is the number of the person I wanted ?
to call yesterday and I've said thank you very much , bye , because you've set boundaries Well , so for me , me , the peace came from I saw the kind of life . My mom believed and so she doesn't care .
But I think deep down in her she didn't care because she was carrying so much weight and so I see , I see I don't care , it's not something I buy , so okay it's usually , when people say they don't care , it's usually a traumatic response yeah , because I just want me to be here , I , I so I realized that after , of course , started , after I started mixing
with , like they said , right the crowds and I'm meeting with now and with , like they said , the crowds that I'm meeting with now , so I saw the weights that she carried and I cannot say it's my sister .
So when my mum died , I took one decision , and it was that , no matter who , the person is . I would never allow anybody inspire bitterness in me , so what I mean bitterness , I mean anything that comes with , um , I'm feeling resentment , whatever , or I'm not supposed to do this , but you're giving me , you understand , I won't bottle that up .
I wonder what do , whatever it is , but I will tell you . You know , this is not my job . I'm doing it for you because you don't have a choice , not because I want to do it . I don't tell you it . Don't come from my mind , that's it . I don't want to live with that weight . I saw what it did to her .
I see what it's doing to my sister sometimes and I don't want to be that person . Oh see , let me know if Jai sees . Let me know if .
Jai sees in a very , very easy way . I mean , I've reached a point and , honestly , as I don't understand point and honestly I don't understand Atlantico , I work with only Nigerian teachers and BIS Nigerian experts .
CIS .
Nigerian experts , and I'm even a little British . I found that these guys once is about to stress them like this right , they do not care . Malaria is five days off . You are using malaria medicine once you feel better . Today you are going to morrow . You see , I've also come to realize that . I remember you said that I want to ask about the food .
I want to know what is the meaning of the word . You have to say that in English . I mean , it's not like I took a bullet for you and you are complaining that my blood is staining your whole and that my bullet was meant for you and it's always going to be like that , and I don't .
I don't think we have people please us here , but we care so much about image that we want to keep that image there , but image that will be forgotten seven days after the way . Keeping right seven days . You know the people that will remember . You are the people that have Really 7 days of streaming and I came back and I took all this drama .
That's the end of Solomon Grundy . I'm not doing this again .
I'm not doing this again . I think it's just , it's not about just looking you .
I don't know you get to that point and you just know that you know what that's it .
So everybody that will come to me sorry , everybody that will come to the house at Lekki you know they will come every weekend and now my house is suddenly so far because it's negative , but when I was lucky it wasn't really fun , and these people are talking about you should come from my gaga to lucky , but from again to again .
Now , the house is far so you begin to now you , you just get that that , that realization ah , okay , you know . And you now go and seek . If you go and seek for support , the way you have a support in them , there's always a and the label no , he's coming to test us . They'll tell you know , we draw a minister , yes , you don't .
So even when you are asking for help , people are not giving you help because of the image you have already given , you don't even get the support because of this image you are , we are building you know , that's about it I told the boss this morning I can't come to the concert tomorrow because I'm keeping the money on in my account for petrol or money .
And tuesday ah , you want to share all that ? I don't ? Well , I am not coming to the concert tomorrow , but I'll come for the one on Monday . Right ? Because you don't go asking for support all the time , you have created an image that will not allow people to support you , and that's exactly why you just Jesus died for everybody .
When his eyes got clear , he woke up on the third day . Well , I think , I think for me , what I would say is I can't laugh that one out .
So there's a thing about impact right , but I can't remember for the life of me the particular movie where this statement came out from .
But that statement kind of just changed my perspective to a lot of things and the statement was like okay , what about if that person that you felt you were doing something for , or that person that you felt you'd love told you I didn't ask you for it ? I've experienced that what's going ? to be your reaction right ?
Are you going to feel bad because you did it for the person with the notion that the person was going to return ? The favor which can be termed transactional , or you did it because it will have on your good arts to do so .
I'm saying this because , if you look at when you mentioned impact , I might be doing things because it's what I want to do , right , right is the impact I feel you're gonna have . It's impact you're gonna have . But you might look at it and feel did I ask you so ? Does that change me from doing it next time ? Well , it's not to you . No , I didn't .
It shouldn't , it shouldn't . Depends on where you did it from yes I'm doing it because I want to do it , then it should have an impact . It shouldn't your ? The way you respond shouldn't take me off totally . We're humans . You feel bad ?
it might take me off if I this one , because there's a place of honor too . If you have not honored me , is is putting . So what I'm putting seed in in bad ground . So what I mean ? Impact has a lot of things .
Yes , it does , it does okay so I experienced that I had a friend that I was helping out with some things . I did some things for them and all of that and two weeks I didn't reach out . I was battling for my life acute ulcer in the hospital and they said when I called them I said , ah , guy , now for you .
He didn't even check up on me , said ah , you don't reach out . Now I feel like you don't finish with that . And I was like ah . So we got to this setting conversation and then I said ah , but Nami , they always reach out , nami , they do this and that . And I said I forced you . That's what happened , so I paused . I don't send you post .
So I paused and thought about it and then I cried because truly , they didn't force me . I was in , out of , out of was that I was doing . I was doing it because I felt like he needed those things to be done for him .
She understand , by a friend , this same person , after he graduated senior by a year , so after he graduated from the university and he had a delay with NYC . I was always checking up to say , okay , alpha , the NYC money done , complete for you to do your class and none of that .
And then one day he said this one you always ask him about this NYC thing , you just say , no , be you , they do meand I'm likeand so this the whole thing wasI'm not even going to go into it it was a lot , but I stopped . I didn't stop being his friend .
I just stopped . All of that impacts . I'm saying I don't want to go there because people don't define friendship .
That table is the table I like to break . I like to shatter the . I don't like the leg on the . I don't like that table has four legs . People don't define what friendship is and that gives me the aches , it just gives me a headache , because there's no thread of mind this life . I will say that nonsense .
You cannot , we can be , and I and I think it's definition you're my acquaintance , close colleague , close neighbor . You will be anything but friend if friend there's a . There's a . There's a certain thing , there's certain things that I don't think our friends should say .
That's why I said I want to go on that table , because that table will take us to where we should not . Let's just stay on cultivating . You know the garden , okay , so let's , as you generally just pushing this to a close . Um , what part of your story is it that you're still coming to peace with ? Like there's ?
something about your life that , okay , yes , they've told me . Oh , I know , I realize that . Okay , whether it was my fault or it wasn't my fault , Like what part of it are you still making peace with that ? Even as you're going on that journey , you still look back and it still makes you feel cringy .
I know this one will catch because for anyone to talk about this , but yeah , let's just see so let's .
I don't know , I don't know which perspective they have any part .
Again , I'm not , I'm not , I'm not . I don't want to put it to a particular . It can be anything , it can be okay .
So let me let me refresh what you're saying . What you're saying is what is that thing that we feel the impact ? You have done before , I've done before I wish I didn't do , or I'm still living with the impact of an action . That's how you have received it . That's how it's fine I didn't get it .
I didn't really get it .
No no , I want us to get it right .
No any , see , okay , refresh your question I don't want to refresh it I want you to receive it in the way that allows you to give your responses to it . Okay , now what part of your story . It's your story , so I can . I can't guide that story . What part of your story are you still making peace with ? Ah ?
the problem is . The problem is I do not absolutely have any regrets , really , personally . If it comes to career choice , I don't have any regrets . This is what I wanted to do all my life and I'm doing it . If it's choice of partner , well , the ones that were regrettable did not become .
So that's not something to regret about .
Maybe I didn't have children on time . Maybe that would be the only thing . But choice of friends I've always thought that I would think myself as likeable and I would always be open to people that get into the circle . I've always thought that I have a good judge of character , so people that get close to me are supposed to be of good character .
And everybody has always been a good character until until when we are in the same boat . All right . So I now realize that , and I realize that people just want to know the the you they met in 2003 . So now in 2025 , and you have moved on you are still friends with them , but you have moved on and they do things to keep you in 2003 .
Not being able to identify that kind of relationship on time right , that's probably what I can say I regret , because I have seen such kind of people do dangerous things to affect my career , even at Muson , for instance . I mean , so the director would when we were going to set exam question the director would look at the exam question .
This guy has good command of English . So when is graduation ? Oh , mr Coeday , normally when I was working in the FRCN , somebody would write my speech for me . Would you write mine ? So I've been writing this speech
¶ Impact vs. Expectations in Relationships
for the past six to seven years . I'm writing it without AI . I'm writing it . Would you write mine ? So I've been writing this speech for the past six to seven years . So one of those are drunken uh movements . I was telling this , my very good former , and you know what you have to . You have to .
You know you have to pop your game so that you know people can . You don't just play piano , people can notice you , for instance . And that's the , that's the . That speech sounds like . Oh , I read , I read the speech . I just said it in person . The editor called me some months later . Are you going to write my speech ?
Or you want me to go and tell this person that said you , I want to write my speech , so why would you go ?
and tell my boss that I'm the person that I told you that you person that said you are gonna write my speech .
So why would you go and tell my boss that I'm the person that ? Right , I told you that you just want to destroy my career again . But because she is an older person , she's like oh , I don't know about you guys . Wherever I walk , we used to collaborate . He can write . He's doing that for me .
Do you want to do something for me too , like you want to draw the concert program ? That's how she curled it . She took her time for her . She took her time to tell me minutes , she told me .
Then I opened my eyes and I saw his actions , for the past six months has been very , very toxic I wasn't paying attention so for me , the only regret is the kind of friends . Not , I have good friends , but certain ones that I should have kicked out of my life earlier than now at least it's .
It's good that your eyes opened up to that , because I think that they leave . They leave prints . It's just that we don't see that , yeah , they leave , but at least you sing , you sing that's the reason why .
That's the reason I'm saying the same thing they leave . Is that print that is leading to impact level ratio ?
if I do this for you , if you're not enough for you , too bad I'm not even going to get that stage and I I keep telling people one of the things , one of the things , that one of the greatest transformation of my life was one that I said last year of my life was one that I said last year if I noticed your way , it was supposed to be friends and I
can't tell what it is that and I can't tell what it is that you are doing in my life . Last year I called a few people . It's our friendship , what's it about ?
it's great because every time I go with it .
You did that . No , you can't beat me , sure , like you can't beat me , and you know that caused me to . I reassessed a few people from inner courts . Move them to outer court . You know , there's inner court , there's all your holies are moving to the inner place , there's inner court . I moved you from inner inner courts to outside the temple .
We can't still be saying hello once it once . But don't let me think that I have a friend who's loyal , who's trustworthy , but who isn't there , right , okay , um , now you should be , now that you have reassigned the yeah , you have . You phrased the question now okay , so , okay .
so I think I think for me it's um , I won't call it regret I I'll think no , don't use the word regret . It's a story , I'll call it rebase Rebase my baseline and that's around things on loyalty Right , things on vulnerability Right and things on expectations those three things . There are people that have expected a lot more loyalty I didn't get .
There are people that have given more loyalty but got stopped . There are people I have expectations for and they didn't meet up , or people that I know I didn't meet up their expectation , yeah . So those are things that I , as four , and they didn't meet up . Or people that I know I didn't meet up the expectation , right . Yeah .
So those are things that I sometimes would look at , which , if I had known , I would have flipped the switch right . But apart from that , life goes on one thing I also know is and that's just like . Korede said I don't live in total like you regret something heavily . I wish some things .
I just I've learned better I've , but I think also it's I was , I was driving , yes , I was driving back home yesterday .
Of course , my family lives in adenay jones with my mother because it's close to everywhere . Now and everybody's like , ah , why is the family living with you ? I said , well , that's not your concern . This is my mother-in-law's house , this is their school , this is my wife's office .
This is my mother-in-law's house this is their school , this is my wife's office , right ? Just makes sense . I think and I will go and pick them from school that it doesn't concern you what that is , you know , but I've also realized that I don't know about him , but I believe it falls into the same category .
Is that if you are raised , um , in some sort of comfort , right , it is easy . If you are raised in some sort of comfort , right , it is easy for you to adapt and forget ? A couple of backstabbing People that are raised on comfort see life different from people that are raised on survival , you know . So , yeah , I'm sorry , so I'm raised on comfort .
Oh , I said you and I , I know , but I don't , yeah , I'm sorry . They see life differently from people that are raised on survival . You know , and I was telling people yesterday , when I was dropping him off as my wife's brother , so we're saying the same thing was like , why do these people drive like this ?
I said , well , you see , every person that wants to overtake you is the only battle they can win today . Just let them win it , true .
True , avoid the roadies ? No really , because there's some things you don't mean .
As in , it's the only battle they can win today . They can't win the government can't , government can't win the school face coming in , but overtaking you is one thing , one battle . Just let him overtake you you know , and it was like I didn't think that way .
So what I think is I said well , you see you , and I didn't start entering boss until you want to become niggas . There's always daddy dropping you back and forth , you know . So you would want to scam somebody because you are coming from survival . I wouldn't see your money , I want to scam you , you get so .
So when we it's , it's easy for us to quickly recognize those regrets and just move on . That's why when I say you say no regrets , it's not no regrets , it's just that . Well , I have to lose . I've done enough for them .
I think it's a great perspective . I don't think it has anything to do with comfort or survival , because I know that I have met with people who I know were not raised on survival . But the outlook towards life is me myself and I . That's a , that's a survival mindset , but we're not raised , so where do you ?
That's why I also think that the kind of people that you interact with would rub off on you .
This is a good rubbing off yes , the comfort , the comfort I'm referring to now is not comfort of just a material thing . Okay , right , the comfort I'm talking about is the comfort of being able to talk to your mom , you know , being having access . Yeah , I know what I'm saying .
I'm saying , I'm saying that it's just it's just so , when you meet people who you think that you , those are the times you're like they're the odd people out , like , like you just can't figure . Like this person is from this kind of house , like where you this kind of behavior , nibboloti , what like ? Where is it from ? Do ?
you understand , so for me you know how they say we live lives . Like Timmy Shea would say seasons . I wish I .
One of the things that I regret . I look back at that and I'm like Guy , come on was .
There was a time when I was made to believe I don't know if this was intentional or what . I just believed that I wasn't supposed to enjoy what's it called , so I don't know how to put this out in words like the enjoyment should not be for me alone .
So if I've , if I'm not , if I'm not doing this thing and my siblings are not enjoying our train , understand ? I should not do it do you get , looking back at it , that now , and I'm like , if I die today , those things that I'm saying , whatever is good . Oh , nika , like he said , some of it has happened .
It happened recently and Tumishe was like just something happened . I did something that was supposed to be like for a personal project . I used it to do a house project for everybody and then , jesus , it turned into something that I didn't ex . If , if , if anybody had that thing , they would be like .
So , looking back , I'm like I , I see what didn't they do you that time , what you didn't say then . Another thing under under one is I didn't need to try so hard at life . Looking at it now , I realise
¶ Making Peace with Our Stories
that you know , sometimes we do these things because of why ?
Why do we do those things ?
It is , it's conditioning .
I agree with you , but I'm saying you know , sometimes , sometimes honestly , nobody expects it of conditioning . I agree with you , but I'm saying you know , sometimes , sometimes honestly , nobody expects it of us .
Yeah , many times , nobody does .
Nobody expects it of us , that is true .
So why do we ? So I realize , I realize that Go back to image .
You know what are you going to remember with .
For me for me it wasn't image . I didn't grow up like me . I'm a very different . I'm just like People say they don't do some I don't understand . I've always been , and I think that's one of my greatest fights with my parents is when Ibalagba said something . Komode does not ask questions . It freaks me Up to now .
It still freaks me out Like I want to know why you are saying this is a don't sit at the doorstep . It's a very good place to sit . It's very comfortable .
Yeah , but you know what ? Okay , so if I'm to take from what you just said and take from what Koryodee said when he was talking about people that are able to have a dialogue right with their folks , kind of our elderly people let me borrow what you just said if when growing up you were able to ask those questions , you didn't know that they answered no .
No , that's what I'm saying . Let's assume people , because they didn't know themselves .
People right's , assume people Right . No , there's actually some people that right now maybe , I admit , but they grew up in places where you go ask those questions right and you got an answer , you got an audience Right . You see that those people will not grow up challenging life Right ?
Hmm , they will grow up expecting responses and if you ask a question , I will always get a response if I don't get a response . That's the issue . But someone that is always asking and not getting would always believe that you know what . I can't just take everything you are saying hook , line and sinker . There has to be a reason why .
But if you get a response , it will be okay . That makes sense . The day that person doesn't get a response , it becomes an issue Now the person that doesn't get a response will look at the person I'm saying Kilo nshie . So what's the big deal ?
Potato , potato cake . Yeah , I see that .
There are things you know , this question you have raised there , this company question you have raised but I've been spending the last five years being well actively , two years now being an IFAR student , and I've been going to the annals of yoruba .
I came across one funny one about three weeks ago , one of the sfa , and he says yeah , in january he said Aliejo Alabojo . So when an elderly person is giving you jizz , or when they never give it to your mum , who are you going to ask to confirm that you are not ill ?
It goes on to say A visitor comes from somewhere and tells you it's raining at Adeneye Jones .
I've not been there , you can't tell . And when the pregnant woman ?
says the baby is biting my belly button , that it is going to go in the skin . You know how they say that Ogon lafim banin lo Ti aba fogo banin lo Tio babosi kafi we re tenji . That was the woman I met . That's where I reached my point . The point is to translate this table into . That's what made it . I've read that particular about .
I've read it , but that is what changed my own path . You know what Socrates says knowledge is absolute . But the Roman Isaiah says knowledge is not absolute . The knowledge of yesterday is to today .
So , when you start , when I do all of this for you and it's , knowledge is absolute , but the knowledge of yesterday is still there today , so when you start , when I do all of this for you and it's not making sense , I put some madness into it . My madness now is I stay by my when you need me , call me if what I do enough is not enough for you .
For you , can I use your wristwatch ? Sure , I'll give it to you on Monday . Okay , monday , I just want to start this night . Can I get it on Saturday , normally before I say okay and I'll go home angrily no , no , no , no . You promised to give me today . Can I have it now ? If you want it again , I'll ask for it again and I'll just move .
And everybody was looking at me like that's alright , just move . Nobody's going to beat you man .
I don't know , so I'm going to run off with this and allow us to give our imputes into this . What are you planting in your life and what needs of rooting ? You might need a second to just breathe in the air . Think about it . If it's just one thing that you're planting and one thing that you're putting , who wants to go first ?
I don't have to think about it . Really , okay , let me go first I'll call out to the mic right , let's do , let's do that .
No , no , no .
Let's go let's go .
So I think for me , what I'm approaching is what doesn't work Basically and that's part time . There are some things that I believe so much in this thing about learn , unlearn , rele , relearn , yes . So what doesn't work , it might have worked before . If it doesn't work today , take it out what works , learn it and move on .
That's me okay , what am I planting ? I think the relationship between myself and my siblings . Alright , it was good . Alright , it's getting better . Alright , I'm going to plant that into my children , because of course I'm going to leave this world and leave them , whether I , whether I'm going to , of course I'm going to leave this world and leave them behind .
But I will be happier if , if you know that , there's cordiality amongst , amongst my family you know , I'm village . I try as much as possible to just and it's not because the children will go and marry their cousin in america , because they don't know , that's no way .
That's no way , it's just that yeah sometimes I want to be proud also when we go to ojide or ekimogu and somebody's boasting that the Kinecon dynasty won something last year . You know so . I also want to be .
But I said , I'm trying to make sure that in the family right from my immediate , that's my own nuclear family to ensure that there's togetherness amongst everyone , even after I leave . What am I operating ?
It's just that there's this thing I have the tendency to be just me , me , me , yeah , because when I , when you push me to the particular corner like this , I just I lost on every . That's the end and it takes , it takes forever for me to come back from that .
And by the time you come back from that , there will be too many , there will have been too many , not necessarily palpable harm , but something that takes a lot of effort to to repair . You know , and it's , it's a bit difficult , it's , it's tough , I agree , but I'm using my family as the first experiment to bring .
Yeah , that's what I'm , that's what I'm doing .
Well for me , what am I planting ? I'm planting seeds that would make me not feel guilty when I put myself first , when I don't do , when I don't do when I don't do collective things and
¶ Planting Good Seeds and Uprooting Bad
not feel guilty about them . I've been , I've been practicing that though I still get some few stares and all of that . But I'm trying as much as possible not to feel bad when I do things for myself . And when I mean do things , I mean do things for myself you see me buy something for myself and I'm thinking God , I'm a man in love and love .
But then , god , I'm busting my behinds out for so I should be the first person to so that and I think if I'm able to plant that in a jam needs , I would have peace . What I'm operating is worrying so much about everything . I want to stop . I want to stop worrying . Fine , I'm the first child .
I feel like I have this responsibility of ensuring that everybody turns out better , so and so , so there's so much things to worry about , the ones that are not even here even the ones that we don't marry , I'm still always Well , you know , that's a choice , yeah , so I'm trying to approve all of that . I'm trying not to worry .
So these people have their lives to live , so why am I worrying ?
Are you not feeling headache or stressed because these ?
are two different ideas you're holding . I am . You have to know what you want first and you have to wait . I am . These are two different ideas you are holding .
I am , I am , I am .
I am .
I am I am .
So how do you ?
draw the line . So how do I draw the line ? I what I do now is okay . I think I watched something . I don't know where I saw that thing from and I realised that at the end of the day , it would be only me .
All these people that I'm worried about All these people all these things that I'm worried about .
Do you have instances now that you can take those decisions for yourself and just do it ? You might feel a little bit of regret because it's still something new to you , but you do those things for yourself and just do it .
You might feel a little bit of regret because it's still something new to you do those things for yourself , yeah , so I had this phone .
This was my old phone , and then , when I was about to buy this one and we needed to do something in the house .
It was going to be .
I went ahead and bought a new phone that's what's where it starts .
I went ahead and bought a new phone because I was supposed to buy a phone before the lockdown . I was supposed to buy a phone . My phone was really bad , but I ended up buying it .
Prepared me time for the house yeah , because it's also possible that what you have done in trying to always be there for them is to raise them on an entitlement mentality again that's not your fault .
So out of what you have to do so what I'm doing okay , so it wasn't . They didn't force me but this was like so what I was ? Trying to do was so that they don't miss you don't experience . No , you don't , you understand . You don't have to . I thought that was justifying what you did .
That was actually justifying what you did .
You are justifying what you have done , pruth .
I am actually in a step , like he said , the question I asked him is what one thing are you doing for yourself now ? And you have to go into the annals . But it's fine , it's a gradual thing .
Like I said , gradual .
Alright . Thank you very much , guys , for being in the studio this has been good it was supposed to just be a few minutes , but it's almost going into an hour now . Thank you very much for listening . This has been um mindfully to me , but this is all you know . This is not to me . She's worse .
Thank you for listening and um , I would like to hear your feedback about what you've heard , what you think .
Of course , again , happy men's music yeah happy men's health mental health guys who remember is the name of the month you can't even remember .