A Journey Toward Authentic Expression Beyond Gender Prescriptions

We did say that that was not the major reason for this , you know , for coming together , but hopefully , hopefully this time around , we will record what we're supposed to record . Yeah , hopefully . I don't want to say it , but when to mindful people sit down together , this is what you get . Extremely mindful man . I tell you , adid , I welcome .

You said that before . It's not so bad , though . It's not so bad . I remember the first time you said that you write so beautifully , so , so beautifully . Of course , if you do not know Adid Dioderino , please introduce yourself properly this time . No , not with Uriki . Why should I be there ? Go ahead , adid Dioderino .

Let's start with the number one question you and I tried to answer , or the first question you asked me . I'll read the post . But the first question you asked me was what is patriarchy to you ? You remember that . You remember that . Okay , so I'm not going to answer right now . So it is my honor and joy to ask you what is patriarchy to you ?

I don't think there are strict life rules that anybody should say this is what I am , this is what I am , you guys . So away from that .

What patriarchy should mean to me is , as the word defines it , is the supremacy of the man and the union of a man and a woman , if I understand it correctly , Because I've never tried to really understand what to make people say they are patriarchy .

Now , that is the world , believing that the man is supposed to be superior in every circumstance , in every sphere of marriage , in every sphere of any union with the woman . But I think that is 40 . I think the position of a man in every union is the position of leadership , and sometimes leadership is from the back , not from the front .

At all times Leadership is service at so many times . Sometimes leadership is decision making . Now the world wants to focus on the decision making aspect of leadership alone . They want to have . Now , decision making doesn't even have to be one person .

So what they want to do is you know , we are coming from a generation of men who , the entire family , will have half fish , half fish , half fish , half fish , whether they will have four . That's the generation we came from .

And they say it's not feminism . It's clear it's not feminism . I think that's associated with feminism . I didn't know until yesterday night that there was female chauvinism All the education that I had , but it has existed in the context of Africa .

It is Just like , oh , I'm so someone , so I'm , it's my , it's my zodiac that's making me ask this way , it's my personality that's making me access . Way , all those things , in my opinion , are crutches . So can we go to this famous , this famous post I'm going to ? I'm going to this is I'm going to be like we do away . So enjoy we .

I Think women in relationships and marriage enjoy more liberty to speak as the like than the men . Let's consider some scenarios . One you go to a barber shop to get a hair cord . As you step into your house , your woman looks at you and rubs and laughter . You ask what is wrong and she says she didn't check the mirror . I mean , the style looks weird .

You both laugh about it and move on . Oh yeah , flip the script . She returns from the salon and you do the exact same thing to her . Just imagine To you get dressed in the morning in the manner that you prefer to appear that day , won't look at you and she goes oh , why are you dressed like this ? You look really funny . Should you not have one XYZ ?

Oh yeah , flip the script again . Flip it there . Three you spend your own money to buy something for yourself and the first thing she would say will be something like how can you Wait so much money and something you can get for ABC Naira in Market ? That's what you wrote there . Flip it . Flip the script again In four .

You return home very tired and ended up snoring heavily that night . Of course you didn't know , but you woke up the next morning to find her sleeping very far away from you . You inquire and she goes you were just stubborn . The whole neighborhood which just knows . Flip that script again and think about those moments she snores for some reason .

Imagine that you respond in the exact same way . Oh yeah , imagine it . I think we may give very little care to sensitivity when addressing the men in their lives . At least we less than they expect the men in their lives to give he's supposed to be dead to emotions , while hers are allowed to run wild . Not a problem at all , but there is a way to .

It gets more interesting Once he is done training as emotions to not be very responsive . Trouble starts the day she expects him to react emotionally to an issue , but he finds nothing emotional about it . Look on by day . Really . Give some good us to some men in your life , yours .

Toy so hard with a man's emotion , if he ever has any , and then you put a note . This post is not inspired by feminism or patriarchy . I don't subscribe to any of those petty perspectives . Life is a mixture of responses to challenging situations , so I do not think such static conditioning of the mind does any favor .

My question is plenty Well , I hope I can articulate them . The first will be this what you've written is a reality . How do we begin to even change it ?

And now what we have to change is the expectation that women have that men have to be emotional all the time . We are not creations of emotion . Men are not naturally creations of emotion . Men are creations of logic In the most , for the most part , what we're Christians of logic we feel .

So that's why the man is the one who , in most cases , is able to deal with Emotional downturns . Say , someone dies . The expectation of society is that the man will handle it better , because the few is a not this is a not yet of logic .

So he's not gonna be driven by his desire to cry , he's going to be driven by his desire to give that person who died a befitting barrier . The answer the thoughts are different .

So the idea that , okay , my husband , who I'm able to freely express myself to , should then at some point take a break from being that person Would who sucks it all in and does not take offense . And then you expect him to now wake up one morning and become an emotional person . That's where the problem starts .

We should not expect that a man will suddenly become emotional at some instances and then becomes stone Stoned to emotions at some other instances . That's a problem , I say in every family , women naturally will feel emotions more and they should understand that . Okay , I'm emotional , that's fine .

Still , in your space , the guy we supposed to provide leadership for the family Is supposed to be more logical , because in leadership , emotions take the backseat , logic takes the front , johnson . So we're not supposed to say women should stop expressing themselves to their partners .

It is right in some marries will find that Even if your wife is one that will take it in stride if you say you look funny with this hairstyle , you're still going to pay some final Doke . At least you say a woman are you , we pay for it . You're somehow . You have to pay for that . You pay for that .

You pay with your dinner because it gets too hungry and Decision to cook . You may either pay with your dinner or pay the money she will use to make another one In most cases . I think we should just understand this . Each person has to understand their place in the perspectives that drive marriage . It's a mix of logic and a mix of emotions

. Play the scenario say you have kids and then they call you from school to say which are the sick ? The natural tendency of a woman is to say yeah , what do I do by ? Can you come ? Come is to be perplexed . That's a natural tendency of a woman . Now , the natural tendency of the leader is Where's my car keys ?

Somewhere down there , there's a war going on , your emotions clashing with themselves , of course , because you , you have taken leadership roles all your life , so there's that tendency to want to . There's that tendency to want to Again be the leader here .

But when we check your , your minds , is mind , your mind is karma , seeking solutions , trying to find ways out of this thing . That's how he's wired . You are wired to have a storm going on in your mind . Who do I do if it turns this way ? What do I do if it turns away ? What ?

Most men are the ones who want to plan the next day in their heads .

These days , it's so heartbreaking that every conversation is forced to toll these perspectives of labels . Thank you for the caveat . You know , and it is why I understand the principle behind most . 98th percent of men are a creature of logic . I have a huge question with

men . Don't cry . Men don't show emotions . This is personal to me because for me it now comes off as a thing Women , not even women . The society is afraid of men's vulnerability . Why ?

You must be sure you want to do this and you must decide that you have to be kind to that person . Now , in reality , kindness could make you be the roaring lion at some point in the relationship it could make you be the docile the dove in the relationship , as long as the situation requires that you are kind .

Sometimes kindness can make you shout at people because you have to shout some demon in them down because they are going off . Yeah , that's the truth . You have to really be kind to them . So about the society thinking that men should not be vulnerable I think that those precepts are basic . They are basic precepts .

I'm sorry , I should lead my family , at least my own family . At least I be so at that moment . If every other person is up providing leadership , I must rise to the occasion . So I had to rise above all of the Christ , all of the . There was a need on the table . This man had to be kept in the mortuary . That had to be taken out of the way .

We had to take his death certificate . That had to be taken out of the way . We had to find a way to inform people appropriately . That had to be taken out of the way . I had to rise above the current emotion at the time to do everything that was needed to be done at that time . That one day I was driving .

It was months after , it was months after , and then I was driving , and then I remembered something very mundane .

I was going around and then the doctor came and said the need to do this or that , and he said let Diocon , when he comes , we take a decision . So I told myself , wow , that's not mundane , though . Well , I think it was , Because it was just one of the many things that happened while he was sick .

You get to , I just remembered and I felt that was much he told me with his life , with the decision that concerned his life , you understand , and then I cried my eyeballs out and then kicked my car again . I left . So it doesn't mean you should not have emotional releases . There are times when you have them .

People would say why you go to work , you work so hard . Then you come back and have to cook . And then I said , okay , look at it this way , I'm the one with the very weird appetite in my house , so it is extremely difficult to satisfy me , extremely difficult . Now my wife is , she doesn't mind . If you ask her what I wear , she'll say anything .

So you see , she's saying anything .

I do practically everything in my house except only a few things . I don't clean the house .

That's the words , what we say now , right , whatever label you want to identify by , even in these choices the sexual fluidity choices there's still people who are masculine . That's when we see the relationship between a man and a woman . There's still people in that relationship .

There's a masculine female , like you have called me all day , and there's a feminine male , all right . So what would then be the right way to bring up the next generation ?

I had someone here yesterday , a Gen X , because I'm also doing a serious own generational shaming , and I had had this conversation with my co-host and then I said , okay , I'm going to get people from different generations , hopefully . And then I was called . It was fun to have that conversation , it was cool and one of the things that he said .

So he was quite calm at the beginning until I asked a question . I had okay , so the perception is that Gen Z is a root and they are confident borders on goodness , and he said you know he's asking the way he came out like I don't understand . So why do Gen Xs that give birth to Gen Zs feel threatened when Gen Zs have asked them questions ?

and I'm like , oh , and it goes . The second one . The second one you all have knowledge . What do you do with knowledge that you're not sharing ? I'm like , okay , that's hearing . That's how they feel , that's what feeds what we see as audacity .

That's what's what they're rebelling against is you have information , you have the knowledge you've not given to me , you've not empowered me and you expect me to you know , and that was a real mentor shift for me yesterday . So my question to you is how , then , do we pass on the information , knowledge , whatever that ?

These gender roles will always be this traditional gender roles . However , we need to understand that there's , as you say it , cross-pollination of roles as somebody . How do we pass that on ?

But because nowadays we have a lot of irresponsible parents who do not have the time to be proper role models to their children . The children are just on a cruise control control . They're just letting whatever it is they need to learn .

He said make that a Mola , let the lumps be as big as two . All of us will eat it together , but today that Mola is cooking . Oh yeah , possible . And then we hosted the Wiley Fombo with the Yamurugun , and then he was just going around in the jewellery but in reality those things prepared him for certain realities .

How did my dad model to us that a man should cook ? My mom went on a course because you know she goes into her job with some very low certificate and then she had to , so she was around At the time . My dad cooked everything , everything . If you saw my dad with the Yamurugun . Do you know what I mean ?

Now you grow older and then you'd say that man gave back to you and you became a man who could not help you . Give your wife out in the kitchen . You'll be a bastard , trust me so more than that .

So if a Yoruba person says to you that you are pointing at your father's house with a left hand , it just typically means that whatever your parents or your ancestors have modeled to you , you have deviated . So that makes you no longer part of that lineage of community .

We're having a side conversation before this episode and then we're talking about a few things you have to do because you needed your daughter to grow appropriately . Parents have to know that the ministry of parenting is not a ministry of let's just do it as it comes . No , you've got to be extremely deliberate .

Sometimes you have to swap the rules so that your male child does not go about to the thinking that this is me . Do you understand ? My daughter will now grow up , find a dad cooking and then go into a marriage with a man who feels that the woman must cook all the time .

I said everybody is cooking and then JB was not . So I said JB , come and enter at least . And JB said since everyone is cooking , daddy must enter the kitchen soon . Harry said do you want us to die , do you want ?

I felt extremely proud , I'm telling you . I felt like my head .

What is important is the children got their needs . So a kind person will not go and paint a different picture . Yeah , no , a kind person will present it as daddy and mommy providing for you . It doesn't mean it is my account , it doesn't mean it is account , but this is daddy and mommy providing for you . So a message is communicated when you deliver it .

I just tell people that this narrative of all men are the same , all women are the same that our parents or our forefathers . You know all our ancestors , you know , passed down . All the woman wants is your money . All the man wants just be there for him . Even if he wants to do she now , let him go , just be there .

You know these are the narratives , you know in labels that has that is and have and has messed up relational existence , you know it's so , so painful that you we grew up with .

If you die , or if you might take 10 people now and ask them what their relational stories are , yeah , you will be shocked that ballpark here , some of the percent of them seven will say , oh , my mommy said , my daddy said that this is how I should , you know , take care of them . This is what . This is the only thing .

And let me borrow your Yoruba I'm your about .

Mental health questions here is how you deal with yourself , how we do it , because anybody who can cook up all this crazy stories that we mm-hmm , that's a question that you need to answer . What story are you telling yourself that is enabling you ?

to have to in certain ways are you ready to sit down with those stories and rewrite them for the good of the next ?

Let's forget gender roles . There are basic gender roles that the society believes every person must come to the table with , but the two traits that you must transfer to anybody who is under your charge are kindness and intentionality .

The moment a person comes to every issue with kindness , in fact , if you go into every business conversation with kindness , you are all able to meet in the middle and have a win-win situation . But anybody not kind wants to pray on the next person .

So if you're going into marriage with kindness , there are gender roles that the society expects you to bring to the table . Of course you bring them to the table , but kindness is knowing when to swap the roles . The roles change .

There are times when you go to the other end of the table to do things that you would ordinarily not do according to your gender roles . That's where kindness comes in . Do you understand If ? Say , I've seen situations . A lady called my wife and she was asking ah , madam , when you heard your child , was it by the cesarean section ?

She said yes , and our own teacher is opening up .

It could manifest in any kind of way , do you understand ? Okay , I find that okay . My wife is going through some kind of stress and then someone needs to take the baby over . I could just take her and take a stone . We just go around , diesel her . Some men prefer to get helps . Please pick that baby up and let her have her rest .

Probably he's afraid of babies , the gums of anxieties .

At that moment . They find a stop gap . Let's fix this a bit .

So for me I always say that , okay , be intentional , find people who match your dreams for life and then go in with kindness . I say this all the time Model kindness to your children . Let them know you've got to be kind . And kindness is not that in people's money , kindness is a lot . Kindness is being thoughtful .

Kindness is knowing that , yes , I need to do this for this person . It's being thoughtful . Kindness is knowing that , okay , this is the right thing for the family to do , but this person can't contribute at the moment . Let me help . It's kindness , that's kindness , but we say we just wake up .

All of us want to have kids and we do not know that we have to be intentional with raising them . Hello , we have to be . We have to be . There has to be intentionality . You have to be sure that this thing I am doing is the right thing . This is what my child needs .

You get and this takes me to something I've always said , and it concerns Africans the most Children that you do not have but the emotional and financial capacity to raise . Please don't burden them . Please Don't do it . Don't do it . I love children . Ask yourself do I have the mental capacity to maintain six , seven toddlers running around the house ?

I've come to ask you Will the realities not change me ? Yeah , so let me give it back .

And I didn't even know that it was post-natal depression . I would say I'm not sure if it's because of my brain , who is it ? I'm not running , but that is pre-natal psychosis and I didn't know . Thankfully my mother-in-law is in the medical line so she was able to manage it .

Of course , after that first one , I aligned with Oga , like , okay , let's have less children . Unfortunately , when I had a second child , I had an even deeper PND and these are the realities that you had to face .

Of course the person thought I was being morbid , but that informs how I feed my relationships .

Yeah , now I looked at when we had my child . I looked at the whole process and I told myself , no , I'm not doing this twice . No , I'm not , you know , because this woman will be left over . You know , beyond that , what will be left . What will be left ?

The moment of staying awake at night , dealing with all of that noise , the cries and all of that drives me mad . And then I imagine what is happening to her , Her who has to be with the child , who has to breastfeed , who has to do it exclusively for two years , for six months , and then still continue to breastfeed for two years .

I know what will be left .

Can you leave a proper legacy for 10 children ? It's not possible . It's not . You even leave strife . You will leave fights , but that's the truth , that's what you leave . Can you be mentally and emotionally there For 10 children ? Protect children .

The only way nature can shock you is maybe you get pregnant and then you suddenly have six instead of one . That's nature coming to play . It's not your fault , but the truth is the moment it happens . You also have to reassess . Sit down and think again . Think again and see how you can .

Here's the essence of your being Mindfully . It's a mission . We'll be back .