Voices Unheard: Exploring Mental Health Challenges in Black Men Ft. Dr. Jay Barnett

learn from the podcast. Enjoy the episode. Alright, so everyone once again, welcome to Mind your mental today we have Dr. J bar net, here's my music. I don't care if you ever get tired of it. I'm never gonna get tired that I'm gonna play that every single time I have a guest. So we decided to do today's episode. As a mailbag episode, I asked you guys a bunch of questions. Y'all set some good questions, some of them wildly inappropriate. And we're going to answer all of them

as well. So I'll just start with the one that most people want to know. Dr. J. Barnett, we have someone who has emotional aptitude, who's out here helping out the black men of the world. And the question people want to know is, are you single, as well? And if you do have a girlfriend, can she fight as well? So yes. So yes, I am single. And I don't really know if that's a good thing, because and the reason I'll be honest, is because the work that I do,

is vast. And I think at times an individual like myself definitely needs a safe space for myself as as much as I create that for others. And was was in a relationship a couple of years ago. And and there was distance, and it didn't work out. But I'm definitely someone who's not opposed or who's close, because you will find a lot of brothers that are like, Yeah, I'm single,

and I'm not looking but always say I'm single and open. And so I think that's the best way to answer the question and but then also learning to live my life in a way because as much as I have public also think that there are things that should remain protected. And so it's it's but it comes with the territory. And it's a question that I get often and I don't evade it. So it is what it is. So yeah, I get asked to have my husband on the show

all the time. And I say it's never gonna happen. It's never gonna happen. My husband's face. And that's the one thing that I do respect about what you do. Hey, everyone, just a reminder that mind your mental is not just a podcast, it is also a amazing community. If I do say so myself. It's phenomenal. I mean, you get more access to me,

what more could you want in this life. So if you want to join the community, if you're not already on the community, go to my social media, my social media is the same Raquel Martin, PhD and DM me the word community so you can get details on joining this amazing flipping community, you get more access to me all like, I'm gonna delights. Alright, alright, hope to see you there.

Let's say you're able to provide these perspectives and provide these different thoughts, while understanding that there's a space that you have left for yourself, which is for you and your husband. And I think that is so admirable, because so many times in the field that we're in, we have to be careful because sometimes people will develop an emotional attachment, they develop some type of attachment to the work that we do. And then they find themselves becoming overly

invested into every part of our lives. So I love how you keep your boys and your husband says I can be for you guys. But this is for me. And important for us to understand that we have to leave something for us. And tons of people says well, you don't have to be private or hide it or anything like that. No is this

safeguarding and disabled? When I was dating, and somebody distance and we've been dating for a while, I thought it was very important to guard that and I've always moved and believe in moving as if I was married, most people don't know my status

because of the way that I moved. And I thank my mentors early on, for for teaching me how to move in integrity and how to move in such a way that it's not to keep people guessing, but moving away that that keeps you from the foolery you don't I mean, it's so yeah, I like that it's keeping you away from the foolery because there's too many people. I mean, I can laugh a lot of

stuff off just because I don't know if I don't know you. It's just odd to just have these comments and some of the crazy stuff literally makes me laugh, but I also it's just absurd, and I'll be like, Ooh, that was super rude and it's not even funny but it is It makes me laugh. But like with my family and with my boys, and even with the whole aspect of consent, my son, well, my oldest, both of them, actually now they're very open with telling me if they want a picture, and if they don't want

a picture most of the time they don't. And knowing that I can't imagine how they would feel about even if I took the picture a million people across platforms looking at their picture of video like they, for I say this all the time. For six months, my son did not give me kisses my oldest, I always ask if it's okay, and I swear for six months straight, he said. But I had to respect that I cry in the corner, like an adult.

But if I'm teaching, if we're talking about consent, I want him to know this, that that's normal and that aspect, but I can't imagine sharing that kind of stuff. And I think something's need to just be with us and be sacred. And I think mental health wise, I wish more people would realize that because you are more disconnected when you're recording it. I remember I was trying to record my son playing basketball. And I asked my husband, my husband cuz I walked

away for a second, can you did you take pictures? And he said, No. And I was like, Well, how are you going to remember it? He said, I'm watching it Rock Hill. That's how I'm going to remember it. Oh, and I said, my memory is terrible. Okay, I need all of it. But he made a very good point, because you have a phone out and you're not able to be as present part of it is anxiety with forgiving stuff, but part of it is just very much like, Alright, that was a was a very good point. I have I have no

rebuttal to that. Actually, you're gonna, I'm gonna put it down. So I, I think more people should understand that it's okay to keep something sacred. Because a lot of people feel the need to comment about stuff. And that'll put thoughts in your head. It's just like, oh, man, listen, man, I was I'll share this story years ago, I was dating someone. And, and I went public with her, and she had our own platform. And I can just remember, we posted a picture by the beach or something. And I

put something underneath it. And man course you get the comments, right? That people are putting on the pictures, but that messages that I was receiving, why you would her I don't think she's a good who it was. I mean it. I mean, it was so debilitating in some ways that I have that relationship, I said, I can't do that. And as you were alluding to just to even protect your own mental health, because you're individuals who work in this space. So navigating daily, is

is is just really us being mindful. Because as I am helping others navigate their all mental challenges, I also have to be mindful that I am still navigating my own. And I think that's what people miss when they connect with us because they see our gift put on this platform and see the ways that we are able to connect, and to open people up and to to provide insight. And and I get it. But then again, they don't process

that we're still humans, who are also on a journey. And though we appear to be well, in most areas, there are still some areas that we may not be so well in. And I have no issue with being transparent. That really bothered it did a lot to my mental because it didn't affect how I saw her. But it impacted me internally because I'm like, this is somebody that I chose Dang. But you know, is what my mom often says. My mother has such wisdom, she's always says King, let me tell you something.

Everybody is not happy for you. And I think that scenes are or sounds so simple, but it's really true. And I don't think people are intentionally not happy for you. But there's a lot of individuals that have not processed their own unhappiness. So without them knowing they can project in the Project malice project, just such jealousy. And so I love that that you got your family that's That's so dope. Thank you because I also want to

I will talk to many people like they've lost their mind. It's also like people like oh my goodness, you're supposed to be a clinician or like you are not my patient. Did you receive an invoice from me? You didn't write one of the reasons I got on therapy so is that I mean got on social media so that you guys can understand that we're normal people. So when you say some you don't want it with me.

So if anything is also protecting y'all because like y'all do I will forget I will forget or remember like, um, for affiliates. You don't want it I'm really I'm trying to help you. Okay, because I got Believe it or not. I live vicariously through you because you have I'm serious. Listen, listen to what I say. It is a watch you say things. And I'd be like, Man, I wish I

could say that. I wish I could be that just because, you know, I came from I was a pro athlete, so I have ality, then most people and so I am constantly tucking him away, you know, sit out, because, and I love that you have that freedom. And man, it's in watching you kind of like go after certain topics and certain things. I'm like, yeah, get him. Because I know. And, and I know that I can't because I'm a black man, I'm a

black man has an athletic background. So anything that sort of swings the pendulum to where it may look like I'm being aggressive, or a little too overly assertive. It changes the dynamic of how people view me. And that's something that my manager, we've all discussed. And I in length, I discuss this with them, because sometimes I'm just like, man, do I want to say that, Jay, you can't. And I and I will tell you, I'm in my 40s.

So I'm okay with not being able to say certain things. But then the other part of me appreciate my Brotherhood and the circle where I could just be admitted. You know what I mean? Yeah, y'all Listen, there'll be some stuff I'll be wanting to pose. And I'd be like, and this is for the group chat. because there'll be some stuff and I'll be like, and they gonna set some stuff you right, you got to keep it for the group chat. But I use

something I've been really wanting to. And you got I just gotta be like, that's what a group chat. It was good, though. That's what a group chat like sometimes you really just want to. And then this mother said this. And I was like, Oh, for real? Oh, oh, is that what is this? Is this helping the message? Like I have decided to limit myself to one rant a week? Because my business partner, Elijah, who you met previously, he was he

made the joke. He was like, Yeah, her name's Dr. Martin. But sometimes she changes to Dr. Malcolm, like Malcolm X. And I'd be like, I'd be trying, I'd be trying to stop you making me so mad. And I'm like, I can't be the only one who sees this, right? I'm not the only one who sees this, oh, trust me, you're not the only one that sees it. And it's, it's what I often tell my team, it comes with the territory, I have two managers. And they're both black women. And I love the fact

that they can be my voice when I can't. Because they can go in and they can be assertive, and, and be a bit militant in some areas. And I know that I can't and, and I remember one situation, man where it's like something happened. And I was just like, man, all I said to them, I said, man, just please be my voice. And when you're my voice, come in, come in at this angle. Because I can't touch this. Because I understand that

we are living in a very sensitive to society. And when people are persons like us and the partnerships that I have, I understand the responsibility of what happened. A megaphone means, yeah, you know what I mean is so I think at times, I have this Malcom approach that man, but then again, my strategy is behind the scenes, I have to be a bit more methodical with certain things. So I may not can't see it, but I can move in a way where my voice is amplified, because it was not

many black males in this room on the level that I wanted. And so, being a trailblazer in this space for black men and for mental health, was almost as if somebody is the first person to attain a position, it comes with a lot of responsibility, it's going to be fair, it's going to be unfair, you will have freedom in certain areas and certain areas you won't. And what I have always done well is is remain authentic, whether my view is left or right or if it's down the middle. And being very aware

that even in in white spaces, I don't shift, I don't change. I do pivot a lot because I understand what's happening. And then to wisdom is something that I rely on a lot, because some things you just have to use wisdom on. And that's what has really been beneficial to me because there's a lot of things that I see it I'm just like, oh, man, I don't which is why I got my doctorate in health care because I love systems and so I wanted to sit at the tables. I understood. Okay, this is what

has happened on a micro level. But these are some of the things that need to happen. at a macro level, it's one thing to hold up your sign and say we need change. But then it's another thing to sit at the table and said, This is where we are making changes. And so this is why it's so important for individuals like you and myself to be seen, because of the research that you've done. For the sessions that you have been able to discover certain nuances

of Yo, we're very layered as black people. And so ending the many layers in the many complexities. There's more than one way to connect with us, besides just say you listen to rap is so in. And there's so many restaurants, I loved the fact that you have that microphone. And you're able to say certain things, because that's the fulfillment that I'm just like, Yo, because I've also learned to, I don't have to be

all things. Which is hard, though, right? Because I bet you people try to put you in a space where you are all things right? Like you mentioned, the aspect that like being a trailblazer as a black man and mental health and you very much are because there aren't that many black men in mental health, right? And I'm sure there are, there are times when people are like, okay, so we can put you in this space too. And we can put you in there. And that was the black man who actually know what he's

talking about. He's got some sense, we're gonna put him in this. And it's just like also, one I would think it's hard to say no, but two it would it would take you away from being able to be as fully present as you are on the things that you do. Like the the just he'll World Tour, like the fact that that came from a book and being able to go you the last time I checked, like in over 30 cities at this point. But if you're doing 50,000 Other things, you're not going to be able to

be in that space. So I can imagine it's hard to say not because you know, we do see a lot of men, women black everything with microphones that don't know what they talking about. So when you do find someone who actually knows what they're talking about, people try to put you in everything. I'm sure you guys are you have to turn down stuff and be like, yeah, so I kind of I'm I got this other thing going well,

that sounds great. But I can't I can't do that right. Oh, and I'll tell you this doc, it's a there's such a power in saying no, that I don't think that we really lean into because we often feel like we have to say yes, because if we don't we're missing something. And what I've learned is that what I say no to protects what I say yes to and the one thing that he's he tells me often and we were talking a few months ago on this December You're not alone, Dr. Jay, everybody, everybody's doing this.

But I feel like I feel like it's also I was just seeing someone talking about this about, like how you move, before you're married is how you should move after. And I also want to say though, if you already if you have integrity in your relationship, you already made a dedication and be with that person you already made. stuff changes. Of course, when it comes to responsibilities and stuff, I will also ask since we were together for seven whole years, I know you're listening.

And yeah, I still hold contempt for this. Since we were together for seven whole years before we got married. Like we already have a routine and a process and stuff like that, to say like, certain things should change. But I also think certain things just say the same, like the reason why you because you don't want to the reason why you decided to marry this person, the reason why you decided to

propose the reason why you decided to accept that. And for them to be a completely different person, because so like the integrity you had beforehand, because I take relationships very seriously. Now, we weren't married before, but I'm not one of those people. That's all if you're not married

you single. So like the integrity you had in our relationship, that's the same integrity to have, when you're married the same way that this whole aspect of us being a team, and that's, that's the person I'm with, and I'm protecting him and respect to him. You need to have that in your marriage too. Right? Like I just people, certain things will definitely change. People talk more about finances. But as you can, as you can see, I'm very open. So we've been talking about finances

before we got married. I was talking about we had conversations about kids. I'm like, Yeah, I do need a husband. He says I love you to your kids. He'd be like, we're not even, we're not even engaged. And I just want you to know, because if you hear something that you don't agree with, you should did. You should go, I don't want to waste your time. Yeah, and what you're doing is you just set the parameters, you know what I mean? Yeah, no, nothing. I honestly think more

men should do the same. They're starting. Darn flipping well, that you're like that irritated you? Why are you keep? Like, why are you letting somebody get away with it, they won't let you get away with it. Like one of the one of the things I say to my husband on time is we we, we like over communicate at this point, right. But in the beginning, it wasn't like that. And I was like, Yo, if I have a problem that immediately,

because I just feel like why didn't I like that? Right? And knowing you saw Well, I could tell you would have an issue with something, but she would just let it go. And I would be like, Stop doing that. Because I don't I don't provide you the same grace. Okay, you do something wrong, immediately. Right? You if I do something wrong, you need to now he'll have that problem now, but you need to let me know. Because one, I don't want to continuously keep disrespecting

you or your needs. And two, I want you to understand that your voice is going to be heard right? Just like you mentioned, so many men are not used to their voice being heard. I want you to know that we will have a conversation. I get asked all the time. Oh, how do you travel? And do the speaking engagements to do all that so much you have you have children? And I was like yeah, but you don't forget about married? Yeah, I talked to

my daughter about everything. I don't I don't take a gig before a call before seven when I let him know because he's gonna have to be on on after eight when I let him know alpha state when I let him know like, we we have that understanding. I mean, y'all also need to be like, I don't like that. And

I'll tell you something else. Dr. J, when you mentioned the fact that like you, you feel like you can't move a certain way I that you look like that kind of hurt my heart because especially with my husband and I have two boys is one because I know it's true. But also because it sucks. I love the fact that your your team, you got two women, I bet you they go to a butcher, they go to bat for you. They'd be like, let me let me tell you something you. We already said no, don't even go

to him. We said no, he's not doing it. Right. But that also hurts my heart because it's just we were in this realm where one it's very rare for black men to be in mental health. But I think part of that starts off at childhood because your emotions being invalidated. But I hate the fact that you feel as though you can't be in a certain space not only because of being on social

media, because I get that aspect. But because of the fact that you will be new let us support you used to play football, right? Obviously, you Yeah, so being aware of you don't want to come off that way. I always tell the story about my patient who was a tall, darkest dark skinned guy who would like physically shrink himself basically, because he knew how he was seen. Like he knew how he was seen by other people because he was a tall black dude. And he was dark skinned and I just I hate that.

Like, I hate that I'm not gonna lie like I truly do. Like the and I don't think it's very frustrating because it's just this sucks. I don't like that. It is dark. And thank you for saying that. Because even you saying that something is happening on the inside of me because I'll be honest, I don't have I have a very small network of clinician people that I actually like, I'm in constant conversation, because it's and

none of those people are here in Texas. I have one, two female friends that are clinicians that in all of us has been Thai food for many years and then I have a few brothers, but I'm I'm not a part of these networks where because again, to build sustained a mean sustainable friendship takes a person who has learned how to be self sustainable within themselves. Because you cannot be in any form in an area that you have

not developed in. And so, for me to hear you say that and knowing that the work that you've done, the work that you are doing is feels very refreshing and very invigorating to my soul. Because there's times I remember this one time, this lady says something to me crazy. And the J of what she said, and I might need to find her. But what did she say? I know, listen, I tell everybody does y'all once you got me on your side? B, I am a fierce like person, what they say when they

say that? What's that? So she didn't really cheat. She didn't know who I was. And I'm not anybody who's met me. I don't believe in Hollywood, I don't believe in that. And with five people walking around you, man, get out of wait. I already like that many people walking around in front of me. So. So she had said something to me in regards to she didn't know that I was a speaker, or when that I was a doctor. And so she kind of like tried to send me in a way

and I was tripping. But people were living with me and why she she held you like that. And the old j would have probably been a bit defensive. Because I'm not on some you don't know who I am. But she's kind of like, Yo, why he's talking to me like that period. You don't. Because I don't care whether you are you got letters in front of your name, or you got letters behind your name to me. I grew up in Mississippi, and my grandmother

had a sense that it's just nice to be nice. That has never I don't believe in jerk is being asked or somebody who's just man. I've been the only boy I grew up with a bunch of sisters, a lot of women. So for me, man, I just embrace his being nice to people no matter what. And so to me, it was just awesome. Like, wait a minute, man, you won't even talk to me like that. But I also knew if I was to just turned my head to the side and just already knew oh my god, I calmed down that deadly.

And so, and I'm sitting there bubbling on the inside, because it's just like, Alright man, like to swallow your pride, to just kind of like, tell your your your other self because there's one person sitting here in this chair. But it's about 10 Different people sitting here. And I'm not even no multiple personality, because we're Laird W Dubois talks about the double consciousness a bit. I mean, I got to be conscious that I'm a

black man, I gotta be constant. I'm a black man as a former athlete, because when people read my bio, the first thing they go to his football. So there is also a perception that they have associated with an athlete or with the job. So as you got a doctorate, you a therapist is that type of thing. And man, we're not going to light this lady up. And I'm the type person that when I'm upset, I go into my vocabulary bag, because I know have words that I know people don't even

comprehend. So I'll just start using the words eye to eye to a light, like, like my voice changed. Like I get very polite. I'd be like just gotten past. Like, just to clarify because I want you to walk me through this week thinking before I have this conversation with you that you said this correct? I say Correct. A lot like I just this is what you said Correct? Okay. And this is what I said. So where's the disconnect between

what I told you to do? You see I'm saying because I don't even I don't even raise my somebody's at one point said oh my goodness, shit. Sometimes there's so me I said You ain't never even seen Me. Me. You have you have never seen before my husband 48 that that man has never really seen me me. You have never seen me be me. You have seen me be like what you not gonna do though? What we're not what we're not going to. But you know what's

crazy, though? Everything that you're saying? You're over here. First of all, it's exhausting. Like first to be able to verbalize like, all of these steps are going through and you weren't even in the wrong. That's what not just black men, black women. That's what we go through. If you're not even in the wrong this person is talking to you like they have no sense. And you can't even and that's why people like oh, I meet match energies. I don't. Most of the time people people's energies

are negative. And I'm not even trying to be malicious. Like I just one of the things I can't stand and it's so basic. I do not mean people. Like some people will be like, Oh, I'm you know, I'm just honest. Or I'm blunt, honest. And I'm like, I'm one of the most direct people I've ever met. And I couldn't tell you anyone who would ever say I was mean, I realize unless there's somebody who don't know me, no one who knows me will say I'm ready. I'm direct. You don't need both. So mean people really

make me mad. Like when they get me I'm like, I'm gonna be mean to you now because she was mean to this part. Senator, I like them. And I'm trying to be nice, but I don't

mean people, right? But like, you're saying all these things that you're thinking of all of these steps, the mental work, the mental footwork you have to do, and you're not even in the wrong, you aren't even in the wrong, someone is being disrespectful to you, and you can't even even the way you address it, you're taking a step back, but you're in no way in the wrong. And I don't think people realize the same way black women go through this. Black men go through this too,

right? Like, I very much want everyone to know why Black men go through this to their men, sometimes with my husband, like one of the main reasons I married him is because of his integrity is amazing. But sometimes I'll be like, Man you live in according to a rulebook that nobody else is playing according to. And if I was there, I would have told them, Don't you talk to my man like that? I will go to jail. Like I have no problem. Don't play with me. Oh, but he's just saying

he'll just be like, Oh, maybe they didn't mean that. What? Maybe they mean what? Tell me what they say, man, because you gotta be like that, that is so exhausting. And I'm telling. And even in dating, I had this lady one time, I guess, quote unquote, shooter shot. And I was I took the compliment says, Thank you for the compliment. And I said, I'm not. Because even because let me say this. Just because someone is single doesn't mean they're

capable. Because you could also be working on you. You travel a lot, you have a higher purpose when it comes to trying to make sure you're helping people. Relationships take energy. And if you know, you can't put forth that energy, why would you be in a relationship? Single? Don't mean, I want applications? Can you please repeat? They heard it. I'm sorry. If anything, all this, all this

podcast is gonna do is make your stock go up. I apologize. So but it's I think people don't realize that people think relationships are just like, it could be like the bare bones of it. Right? It could be the fact that black men are all black people overall are sexualized. But it could be that aspect. It could be like, Oh, I just wanted to go on a date. Relationships take time and energy. And my time is valuable. Men need to

know this too. So you want to go on a date? I mean, to be honest with you, I have to put off three hours, I can't do work that I'm supposed to go on a date. Where's this leading to? Just because you're single doesn't mean you need to you're in the right space to be in a relationship relationships take time. And honestly, all this stuff that you're doing, it should be it should be appropriate to knowledge, oh, I'm single, but there's no way I can commit the time and energy

that you deserve right now. You know what I'm saying? So I just want to be honest with you. And no, this isn't a cheat code. I'm not trying to make you like me more. I'm trying to tell you. I'm working on some big things. And this is not a time where I can dedicate the energy that a relationship deserves some people think that because you're single, that means that okay,

you're alone. That means you're lonely, but I love the fact that more people are being open like you're like well, I'm enjoying you. So I don't know if you follow Dr. J. Dodging get takes himself on solo trips, I don't really see many men doing that I see more women doing that Sanjay gives himself flowers. I was like a freak. I love that. So I just think it's important to realize this turned into a man, this time it's a relation. So we're gonna do we will probably will try to find a way to do a

live to y'all because we have so many more questions. We have so many more questions. But I think people need to understand that one black men and and black woman is just significantly over sexualized. But like, y'all talk about relationships, and you don't even know yourself. How does that make sense? What do you like to do outside of work? What are you bringing to the relationship? Have you healed from your previous relationship? Not even just

romantic friendships? Do you feel like you bring any what? How are you going to? How are we going to form a partnership? Because if you're still working on you, I'm not saying that you can't be with someone, but do you? Are you okay with acknowledging the fact that you are still working on you. And being open to that and a relationship and being like, if a person decides that's not who they want to be, we'd be like, okay, because I'm still doing this. You're blessing me in so

many ways, because I feel validated by your words. And again, is and I'll just give this this quick timeline. So when I was when I was done with football, I opened up a business. And I started training my boys that were still playing, and I grew my business substantially in a short amount of time. And I work with athletes from all over NBA NFL had a very successful sports performing business. And so a lot of my training was very detailed and very sports

specific. So people used to fly their kids to Houston to work with me. That's how big my business was. And this is 2010. And I shut it down until 2014. When I felt God shifted me into the mental health space and I started mentoring because I've always worked with teens. My father is a pastor and so he had me working with teens at an early age and a church and and that's just something that I have always had an affinity for. And I experienced most of my trauma and pain in my adolescent

years. So I have a real heart for young people. And from 2010, to about 20 to 2013. People knew me for the work that I did in the community. And then it was very transformative. And it's very unconventional, because I've never seen a black man working with teenagers in the way that I was in group home to working with girls who was sex trafficked victims, then writing

a book for teenage girls. So all of this stuff, right, so and then I entered grad school, I finished in 2008, and storm internship moved to Dallas 2020 happens, I'll make some posts about Kobe after his passing. And then I'll make some posters about black men and George floor. And then all of a sudden, I do the Breakfast Club with Taraji and immediately, things took off. And I was in my doctoral program, and I had to put it on pause, because I got a job offer at USC. And I turned

that down. And I'll had all of these moving parts. And so if I can paint a clearer picture, imagine flying a plane and building it at the same time, I love that analogy. Built like, and I'm trying to get this thing off the ground, and still trying to patch some pockets. And so dating was difficult. And I'm gonna be very transparent. The girlfriend, I had a time we lost a child. It was so much has happened. And then few years later, trying to date again, distance and

going back to what you just said. It's trying to manage how, ah, not volunteer, not sign up for become this face for black men mental health. And you being called everywhere, whether it's suicide, or whether it's depression, my son is my son, my husband, my brother, my uncle. And then somebody says, What I didn't hear from you today. And I'm like, yo, just give me a day or two. I'm on a roll, Boo Boo. And I don't have any kids or anything. I'm one out of seven children. I'm the only one

that's not married, have kids. And I understood that my journey would be different. Because God told me that it would. And I desired marriage. I've been engaged, I desire kids, I was engaged somebody out of kids, there's nothing more than I've ever wanted to do was to be a father, and then losing and grieving. It took me three years agree that that miscarriage took me three years. And there's still days because I feel like

and I know that I'm not, I'll be 42 in three weeks. And there are times I feel like I'm running out of time, because I don't want to be an old father. Because I don't want to become a grandfather in a stage where I should have been his father or her father. And these are just thoughts in my mind. So comes to the dating part. And trying to get somebody to understand that amount of energy that I have to extend, sometimes is and here's my issue. And here's your issue, I'm sure we make it look easy.

So no one thinks that many layers that we have to work through, to even show up and be and be transparent about the way we do show up and be transparent, and then be on point and then have to organize mentally, virtually because I'm sure I've listened to your to your content. And I know you weren't like me, you got to see the words, you got to put something over here. Because you want to make sure when you say it, it lines up with this. All

it is mental work. And then somebody says, Well, you didn't text me back. Listen, and die. And then if I articulate this, oh, you're close. I'm not I'm literally trying and die. This is a first A you that this is the first time I've been in school for the past seven years. I know it when you were traveling, doing your frame being like and you were talking about your PhD, I say how the heck is he doing? This is insane.

When I tell you the weight that I gained, the stress that I was under, and because we make look easy, nobody ever thinks it's always like I remember did this and then it was like I'm showing up, I'm hopping on flights, hopping off stage, going to fly here and one day I just said Man, I'm tired. And you me you're tired. I said I'm exhausted. I just poured into 400 Men flew home stayed at the airport to fly to come see you. And you're upset that I don't have enough energy to stay up

and talk on the couch. Which waits we can understand why she was upset. And I'm just Meanwhile you tired you say? Oh, say like both of these are true. Exactly. So yeah, exactly. Both things are true. And this is when I tell people like the distance thing, because that's I've done this and stuff to pass because of my travel.

Because I'm now home. And so I was like, Alright, let me and let me tell you something that this is man, if you guys don't have have not built a true connection, and I'm not talking about sex and physical but a connection with this. And with that, if you don't feel that person away from them, you inspire me and my husband, the toughest time in our relationship was I went to my Ph. D. program after we together for three years, and my husband is not a phone person. And we learned that so

quickly. But we never had to be phone people because we were in the same state. So then I would just be like, This is really, this is really what's going on. It's just well, you know what, I'll be honest, I didn't add, I never thought you were a phone person. But it wasn't inconvenient. Till then. We didn't have to over communicate, because it would just be like, Oh, I'm out. So I'm gonna just, I'm gonna just see you when I when I get back or whatever. The amount of that was like, though,

and also we were broke in our in my Ph. D program. So half the time who was fussing because it was just like I'm being real with you, I really just want to hang out. And I'm about to spend time with nobody else. I'm also someone spending time alone, if you don't have a firm base. When I when before we got engaged like that long. It was the most I cannot say I feel like emotionally I regressed, I would just be like I'm over here. picking fights. This is stupid. And it's all because the

communication is bad. But we came from a firm base to discuss it. But if we didn't have that, if we didn't have that, can you imagine and people be uncomfortable, comfortable with independent because we're pretty. We're pretty like independent couples, we've always been that way. But the number of times I have heard and this is from women and men, your husband lets you travel without him. I'm sorry. I don't understand I understand the question. Let me let what?

I really want you Oh, I'm sorry, did I lose my shackle today, but it's just like that inherent. I was just like you think my husband, I know what I'm doing. You think I don't you think my husband? I know what I'm doing? This is the person I'm married to? Why would he not know what I'm doing? But even just that thought process of just wow. Wow, he must be really kind to let you what? What do you mean? It's just if you don't have a firm base, and relationships, do

you take work? I think it's appropriate. I think it's I think this is a good example for people to understand that like you sharing that this is i You deserve someone who could provide more time and energy and I don't have it. And I don't want you to accept less, I'm gonna let you know what I don't have to give. And if you don't accept that that's on you. I'm just telling you, right? People try to go in halfway. And it's

just like relationships take time. And you know, what have been the first conversation after you explain it express the fact that you had didn't have the energy and they like, Okay, so let's try. You never have time for me. I told you I was gonna have time I told you this. You said you was fine with it. And here we are. And I told you and now we don't build, we don't spend more time together. So now I'm in this too. But I told you I should have trusted my gut. I told you I didn't have it. Like

it's crazy. It's just I told you this man, you said it was cool. I knew it wasn't gonna be cool. I should have trusted you shouldn't actually trusted me just, I'm just saying I've seen it happen clinically. And I'd be like, I'm confused. Because you also we also discussed that you felt as though you weren't ready for a romantic relationship. And I just I want to clarify, did you say you are moving in with someone? I'm confused? What's

happening? What happened in our last session, like you'll talk to people in this session and be like, so wait, I'm looking at my therapy notes. And I'm seeing that you said you weren't ready for a relationship. And now you're telling me you're thinking of moving in with someone help me. I'm missing some steps, like what are we? What are we not missing? But it's because one of the things I say are that lead

to a lot of poor decision or loneliness and nostalgia. I think a lot of people aren't letting go of relationships that no longer serve them or evolving the relationships into into a new thing. Or people you can be alone and not be lonely, but there are going to be bouts of loneliness where we're meant to socialize with other people. We're humans. And that can lead to some different stuff. But I think if you want to really

understand it, you need to listen. When people say are saying no. And not take no as if this is an indictment on you or your character or your because that people brains began to do all type of funky things. Because it's like well, I mean, I've heard it all. You say you want to be a woman either. I'm just like, Man, I'm just I mean, it's just what do you think you are and I'm like, this lady said you thank you all asset assets usually. I thought

they should come back. I'm sorry. I didn't really mean it. I'm just saying I just really wanted to and I just like man out this. And all I would say it was just like, you know, I'm not in that space. Thank you for the compliment. But I'm not, man, this woman went off doll and came back, I'm talking about the amount of times that I've

had to block. And just and I'm saying, and again, it's even in moments where I know is not a good fit for me, I still use wisdom in that space, because I know this is the era of screenshot voice recording I'm getting all the time. Anytime somebody says I'm crazy, like, I know, you record this, whatever. It's like for me, and because for me, what, like I've seen

happen is, they'll send this to a place you're speaking at. And I was just seeing so many things, but I thank God for the grace, and also for the wisdom and the insight of men that I have in my life. That really keeps me grounded. But I've always been a pretty grounded person, even when I played ball. So I wasn't no while new wasn't perfect. But I wasn't a dude who just moved carelessly, you know, I'm saying through life. And I've always been a person like, you know what, let me let me

process this. And let me think. And that becomes an issue for a lot of women when men process and thing, because now, it's not on their time. Yeah, it's a different speed. Sometimes my husband has always told me your processing speed is a problem, because it's very. And a lot of times I want answers now. But because this is someone who like I care about, and I understand that aspect of people process stuff differently. I've had to slow down, it is so tough. And I don't even think it's slowed

down. Because it's like a slow process and the speed, I think, I think my husband is processing speed is appropriate. I think mine is absurd. And then as a result, I have to just be like, Yeah, even people I worked with, they're like, yeah, so we actually need more time to read, which is sent. So if we could just have some more time. And I'm like, for real? Like I couldn't see like a whole day ago, yo, what are we doing here? What are we doing? We weren't going to be playing, you know?

What are we what's happening, but you have to have respect for people to understand that it's just sorry, whereby I don't work the same way. And to understand that, but I get the fact that like, some people will see it as just okay, well, I need to answer now. And I tell a lot of people, men, women included, just be like, if somebody's trying to rush you to an answer now tell them okay, well, thank you for the help. Now, the answer is no. And I

appreciate you helping me make that decision quicker. Because if you're not respecting my time, you're not gonna You're just not respected me. Right. But I think you're I think a lot of people don't just don't acknowledge that people's processing speeds are different. They don't respect that they automatically taken in as oh, maybe you just trying to either try to let me down easy, or people go into these negative

thoughts spirals. Some stuff genuinely isn't about them. I've literally had to just be like, listen, I know, it's gonna look like I'm in a funky mood, and I am, but it's not toward you. I'm just still processing stuff that happened today. And I am in a funky mood, but it has nothing to do with you. However, I make it a point to verbalize that because I know what my face looks like. I know what my face looks like. And I know it's

going to take me some time to get out of that mood. And typically, that's the point where it's amazing to have a partner that does this and be like are you must just go upstairs and process that. And I can handle what's happening downstairs for food and dinner. But like you got to be able to state that. I know it looks like I'm pissed. And I am. But it's not to you. But I can't I can't fix my face right now. I'm still mad. That's the emotional maturity. You know what I mean? So I love that Doc.

Well, this week, we I know we got to do another one. So we want to alive y'all. We got to do a live I only got to y'all legit got to one question. And I said if y'all. If y'all were looking at my stories at that time, I was adding the tag. That was like, look at all these and then we still have some that are actually on the posts. One of them was a very good point, because and you could tell me have you seen this? I don't see many stages where it's a man and a woman licensed mental health

professional doing an event? No, no, I think we I think we may get to do that. With some we'll both be at two. Reggie's Summit. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's gonna be the first time that I actually seen it. So and that may be the start. And we may be on the precipice of something that we can see more of because the one question that I think somebody asked how can we begin having

healthier conversation with black men and black women? And I think that it starts with individuals like me and you, and so forward to taking the stage with you, and having individuals like us who who are so balanced with our clinical perspective, but also with our live experience normal people because some people are a little too, like chill. Yeah, but they also said they not only said that, they said how are y'all going to fix it? What? I'm gonna tell you something that I'm gonna tell you some

that what I've had to learn. I'm If I'm not the answer, I'm part of the solution, but I'm not the answer. So I'm not here to wait on trying to fix anything. You and I are doing it every day, every day that you drop content, you're fixing it every day that I'm on stage with these brothers or I'm sitting in a board room and making a decision on how we're going to do these rollouts for these healthcare and for these mental health initiatives with fixing the problem, like we

cannot say that we're going to sweep the beach. You don't I mean, clean? No, I'll pick up one starfish at a time. And once we move into that space, you now take on a burden that was never meant to be yours. We're not, I'm not a massage, because that's another thing. So people begin to lionize an individual instead of the initiative or the thing or that

they're working for. And then what happens is, when that person disappoints you, you get rid of everything that they're working for, and it's well, it never should have been about me, because at the end of the day, I'm gonna disappoint you at some point in time, I'm human. But this initiative, I was working for this bill I was doing, that's what you should have been. That's what you should have been, like, championing not me. It's not about me, like that's don't put me on a

pedestal. Please don't. I'm gonna fall off. There's gonna be stuff you don't like. Yeah, I didn't ask to be up here. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just gonna, I'm gonna come on down. I'm gonna be right in the crowd. No, thank you. But that's a lot of people do that. They'll champion individuals that I'm like, Yeah, but what does that individual working for? Because if they have this initiative, if they do something wrong, does that mean you're gonna get rid of the work that she was doing

for this initiative that you believed in? Did you believe you can believe in people, but also like the work that's supposed to be done right, like you're working at your your doctorate is in healthcare administration, we need the systems in place, right? It's great to have these clinicians but these clinicians need to bet be backed up by systems that let them do what they need to do, right, which is incredibly helpful. But I want to I'm already over time, Dr. J. Tell everybody where they can

find you. It's also gonna be in the show notes. And of course, y'all will advertise what we're going to do alive, but tell everyone where they can find you. Yes, you guys can find me King J. Barnett across all media platforms, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter or x rather. Coaching side KJB coaching.com. And then all of my books are

available on Amazon and Barnes and Nobles in some areas. Well, thank you so much for coming in. I will do the live but also probably will have you come on the show, but I can't wait to meet you in person in DC. I'm already I'm already looking for like my hip hop outfit. I might y'all might get an airbrush shirt for this, Shawn. Because she's having like, she's going like a house party. I might legit. I might have to get an airbrush shirt and make it happen. I'm doing one short.

But thanks again. Oh, yeah, I'm getting a rope chain. The rope chain was never in question. You know, I'm saying that was happening. I just gotta, I just gotta figure out how we should get up. You know what I'm saying? But the rope chain was happening Courbet on Qurban like it's going away. But thank you so much.