The Impact of Late ADHD Diagnoses Ft Dr. Kojo Sarfo

like. This is what this will look like. These are ways to help you and providing resources in the first place. How was that for you when you started? Because there's a lot of people doing it now, but that was not the case in the beginning, in my opinion. Yeah, in the beginning, people were moving out of fear. Because, you know, in school, we're not taught to embrace social media, so people think of social media as something that you can try out. We have to tread cautiously. Don't really

put yourself out there. Nobody should know where you work at just kind of keep it like all like within, but then I'm looking at the kids who they're posting everything, they're being transparent, they're being vulnerable. So I came as myself and also answered questions that people you know happen to have. And eventually you don't know that you're doing the right thing until you go for so long, and then other people who are

reputable start to come on the platforms. And that was kind of like a co sign that I meant to be here, because I'm seeing somebody from here, somebody from Nashville, somebody from Johns Hopkins, somebody from UCLA, people are coming to social media, so that kind of reaffirmed that I was in the

right position. But for a long time, I wasn't really sure if I was supposed to be on it, so I was just kind of on it, and I'm just hoping that it doesn't, you know, interfere with my professional standing because I was having so Dr. Raquel Martin: much fun. Yeah, and I feel like that shows when like people are it's not only about providing information, but also having fun with it. Like, when people ask me about social media, I'm like, Listen. As soon as it becomes

boring, that's when I typically pivot. Like, for the longest I was doing like skits, and I was like, over it. And then then I was doing like the talk ahead videos. I'm like, over it. And then I was doing lip syncing, and I was like, over it, and I'll just switch, because I genuinely think, like, I need to be providing information, but it needs to be fun, because it is work. So if it's not fun, I'm out. Like, I'm not I'm not about to do this. Read an article. I can't do it on board, which is

crazy. Yeah, I think that was a advantage for me, because, like, I know how, you know randomized control trials work, and meta analysis, like, I know all that stuff. But then even there's certain things that when I look them up, I have to, like, really pause and try and figure out how to interpret it, because it's not that straightforward. So I'm thinking to myself, the average

person would never know this information. So if I take it, I make it easy to understand, but it's actually fun, and this is how I would have learned. So I put out in a way that I think somebody like me would be able to easily understand it, and that's made a huge difference. Hey, Dr. Raquel Martin: everyone, just a reminder that mind, your mental is not just a podcast, it is also a amazing community. If I do say so myself, it's phenomenal. I mean, you get more

access to me. What more could you want in this life? So if you want to join the community, if you're not already on the community, go to my social media. My social media is the same Raquel Martin, PhD, and DM me the word community, so you can get details on joining this amazing, flipping community. You get more access to me. Y'all like, I'm a delight. All right. All right. Hope to see you there, yeah, what are some of the what are some of the mental health topics or diagnoses or

whatever that you tend to focus on within your content? Like, are there certain diagnoses that you hone in more than others? Yeah, so Ada, issue for sure. Now, autism as well. Bipolar disorder, depression. Depression has always been something that people want to know about trauma, and I was surprised to realize how many people are interested in learning about thought disorders like schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder and also psychosis, especially with

the substance use. People are very interested in learning about psychosis as a symptom and what can lead to it, so almost everything. But you would be very surprised that there's certain conditions like postpartum depression, which a lot of people are interested in, which I know because my audience is 77% you know, female, but you know it's 18 to 25 and then 25 to 34 but everybody wants to know about postpartum depression, the people who are older, people who are younger.

So it's just about looking at the analyst and figuring out what topics are, you know, pop up at the moment. It's also seasonal at times, because, like during the fall months, seasonal depression, there's a higher demand for those videos, so you have to kind of keep it your ear to the streets to figure out what people want to know about at that particular moment in

time. Yeah. And Dr. Raquel Martin: I feel like you have a good you have a good you have a good combination of not only looking at it from the social media lens, not only looking at it from the the licensed professional lens, but also from your lived experience, because you mentioned the fact that you have diagnoses that you're like, listen, I know this not only because I read it, but I live this in the first place.

I come from that perspective, first, just as me, as a person with ADHD, and then when I put those relay experiences, and it draws people to you, and then they're like, oh, wow, there's actual factual information on this page. But the first that's gonna bring them is something that's funny, because they can resonate with emotionally, because like, Oh, I forgot. I'm all here. I could pay for this twice. I have to buy three or four of this item. I gotta keep self sabotaging.

And then after you do these things, no so many times, you realize they got the only one that does it. Because you go online and you see a video, and you look in the comment section and everybody else is saying that the same thing this morning. So I come as a human being with ADHD first, and I think that's been the, probably the biggest difference for me, because if you come as a professional, then they're they want you to, like, bring all these articles, you know, and

like, reference this and that. But when you come to somebody who is a professional, they want to hear about you. And then you can draw from, like, the professional world, as opposed to drawing from the professional world. And it's kind of like sprinkling in the things about yourself. I'm doing it the other

way around. Yeah, I think Dr. Raquel Martin: that's helpful. Because I think one of the main reasons why I got on social media was to provide information, but I also wanted to break down the third wall about mental health and well being and like, what clinicians look like, because there's this scariness of people not knowing it's like, everyone's telling you to go to therapy, but like, I need to know, like, what am I walking into? Like, is the

person going to be judgey? And I feel like being on social media and being able to state, like, I'm a licensed mental health professional, I'm a psychologist, and I also have a psychologist just something as simple as being like, so my psychologist told me the other day that I was tripping, and people would be like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, you. You see a mental health professional, and I'm like, Yeah, I get high on my own supply, honey. What you think?

You think I can take in all this information and not get help myself. It's a lot, right? It's a lot of stuff in the first place. So I feel like that's incredibly helpful to have people out there. Because I also noticed there was a bunch of misinformation. Like, there's a lot of, like, toxic positivity stuff and a lot of things. Like, I remember doing a post about affirmations, and I was just being like, you know, you, you do know that, like, you gotta have some action behind the

affirmation, right? Like, you don't just write something down and be like, it'll happen. No, you write something down and then you write the steps to what you're going to do to contribute to making it happen. Yeah? Like, it's not, this isn't like Sabrina the Teenage Witch, honey. You gotta, you gotta, like, do something. And people are like, well, you know, we're just putting out positive energy. And I said, Okay, that's not, that's not what you know. Like, I'd be like, I'm sorry. I

don't know what that means. As a mental health professional, it did create a blueprint for how we could put our information out, because I would see those videos where you'd say, just do this and that and it'll cure depression. And debate will go borrow and I'm like, hold up. This not true,

but the way that it was put out there was very compelling. So if I use that same type of thought process that I put a spell on it to where it's coming from, my content, which I know is true, then it can reach a lot of people, and it can make a big impact. So I think they kind of set the blueprint, because even though they were not saying anything else factual. There's a way to communicate online, or the method of the delivery of content is so important, but they had cracked that code, and

that's what we've always lacked. For so long, nobody has ever known how to talk to the people. They only know how to talk to each other amongst ourselves because we're using all this big language, but we don't know how to talk like me or you talking to the people. So those kids really taught us that system for this is how you reach the people, and if we just double back behind it and provide the correct information, that's Dr. Raquel Martin: what that's what we call a reframe. Y'all

look at that. Re look at well, no, it wasn't that helpful. But would you know what they did give us? They gave us. A Blueprint like so that we could actually help in the first place. I feel like that. But you know what I will say, as someone who like, you know, there's not many people that look like us who are doing this work. I actually don't think that we people like I don't think we individuals black people,

individual African descent. I don't think we struggle as much with breaking down concepts as when it comes down to, like, having conversations, because most of the time my caseload was a lot of people who look like me, and they were just like, listen, listen, listen, listen, give me the Reader's Digest. Now. Now, do I need to get them IEP like, what do I need to do to help my child? Like, most of the time I was so using people just being like, that 20 page report. I'm not doing it. So

what? What do I need to do to help my child read better? Because I'm not, I'm not doing this with you. I'm not about to read this like, I feel like I've coming from the community clinic place, and also stuff. I got more used to having to break stuff down. And I remember getting frustrated because I'm like, well, that's not what I'm seeing on social media. Sometimes I'm seeing stuff that's like, a little too

intricate. I'm like, you just gave them five steps. You can you just give them one like, you know, one step will help them tremendously. This is too much information for me who, like, knows how to do this in the first place. Yeah, it's a lot. And some people like that type of content. But I think, actually, I can say it's a lot of certainty, the attention span is dropped online. So if you're jamming a whole lot to one video, it's not the best way to

get it out there. It could be the right thing. You have to break it up into like, small parts for people to understand. Because I think the average person brings on a sixth grade reading level. They also that somewhere recently, which I came as a shock. I can see that, you know, on average. So you have to put it out, like bit by bit. And I don't like seeing, like a

whole much or one video. Sometimes people put it out in the works, and then I think to myself, who's watching this whole thing, and I'm done, I just can't it has to be compelling to really even gave me the to pause my scrolling to watch it. So three and a three minute, 47 second video about something that could have been put out there in like 17 seconds, Dr. Raquel Martin: not for me, but you know what it's also

taught me? Like, I think we need to start using better strategies when it comes to the mental health stuff, because Risa TISA taught people a lot of things, but she but if the story is good, they will like, I never, I never listened to the whole thing. I got the gist of it. Because I genuinely don't know how people had the time, but they found the time like they found it. And I'm like, mental has to do the same thing, like with your videos, when you share, you'll share like, the

scale. You'll share a typical scenario, and you'll see stuff in the comments like, for example, what are, what are some, let's say, if you had to name, like, three or four common things that people will comment in the in the in your space, about ADHD, when you're just like, I'm struggling with this. What are some things that you people think? People are like, Yeah, I can't, I can't do that. Losing your keys. I know you mentioned that,

right? Don't mention having to do things over. Like having to repeat things over and over as an adult is frustrating. Like having to read over certain lines twice, having to buy things over and over again, having to go the whole day saying you're going to do something, you forget to do that thing, and then tomorrow you're going to do it again. But it is, you know, you forget through tomorrow. So that was derailed your plans for the week, and now your confidence with which you

think you can get things done as low. So now you're not you're frozen, you're paralyzed, you're not doing anything. So I think just the the how disabling it can be to have to have a condition that people can't see, and things are just piling up like the the laundry, it's on your bed you haven't folded

after a week, the dishes are in the sink, so on and so forth. So I think people like in the comment section, those are the the main things I'm seeing, and on the diagnosis part, I'm seeing people getting diagnosed later in life, saying that they thought that they were lazy and they thought that they were unmotivated, and it wasn't until they put two and two together they realized it is ADHD. But they figured it out that 3547 26 instead of like in second grade. Yeah,

Dr. Raquel Martin: I saw this video the other day. It was this woman, and she had mentioned that she had just started byvance, and which is a medication that helps individuals with ADHD, and she was just like, when I tell you that, she said, I'm she said it was amazing, but she said, I'm also, like, kind of ticked off that people's brains just like, work like this. She was like, she's like, I cannot believe

that people's brains work like this. And she had just started the medication because she had just got diagnosed, and she had to be like, her 30s. She's just like, I can't believe that this is how people, some people's brain works. And then the comments there are a lot of people saying, like, when I tell you the the amount of productivity I lost, how upset I

am that it took so long for me to get diagnosed. Like, they people were just like, Yeah, I'm upset too, because you mean to tell me my brain could have been working like this, just like you mentioned, if people were diagnosed and. Second grade, like she is just like I just I just started. I can't believe people's brains work like this. I cannot imagine I could have soared if I had known that like this is what was going on with me.

There's a lot of grief attached to that whole concept of being diagnosed later in life, because then you have to kind of agree with the person you could have been, and then you're thinking to yourself, like everybody maybe knew that I was this way, or people could operate with a greater capacity, and I only had this I was kept off my whole life, so you have to sometimes, you know, try and forgive yourself. Forgive your parents. Sometimes parents know, and they don't tell their kids,

listen like I've seen, like you've seen it too. Yeah, I had Dr. Raquel Martin: a patient that was putting their mom was putting, after we did the assessment and we were talking about medications. Mind you, we did a couple of days of assessment, and this is when I was still in training. And she was like, oh, yeah, we give him medication. He's on medication. We put it in his medicine, his food. And when I tell you, the neuro the neuropsychologist in the room was like, why we just

did two days. We did a full battery. We just did two days of assessment. One, we have to talk about the fact that your child is on medication and they don't know. Two, wow. Why? So what? Because he was just like, so when we asked if there were any previous diagnoses, and he just did, like, a slow blink. And I wanted to be like, when we asked, What did you hear? Because he not going to say, I need to know. What did you we

said, Do you have any diagnos? Because, you know, he's just most neuropsychologists are very like, you know, straight to the point, but in my mind, you're like, I mean, answer him, because I am. I did two day, you know, how long those reports take. The child was, you know, on the ceiling, and I was like, well, is the Medicaid? I was like, Is the medication working? And they were like, Oh, I made sure he wasn't on the medication during the assessment. And I'm like, Oh, thanks for that. That

was so helpful. It was so dr Kojo, this is weird. I weird. I'm curious. How old was this child, like 1213, 10, 10/4, grader. Fourth grader can still know about Well, no, she just Dr. Raquel Martin: did. She stated she was parents that she that didn't want the child to think that there was something wrong with them. I guess she thought that he thought that. He thought that medication would mean that something was wrong with him. But I also asked, like, Did he notice, has, you

know, any change with the medication? And she said, Yeah. And I'm like, so I think you could have approached it with your child, like, there's nothing wrong with you. This is meant to help you. Do you notice a difference? Do you like the difference, like, all this other stuff? And I'm just like, you know, in my mind Now, mind you, I'm still a trainee. But in my mind, I'm like, yo, this is why people don't work with kids. Because most of the time, the reason why people don't work

with kids, it's not the kids, it's the parents. Because, like, can you, I know it's your child, but you were drugging your child. I just put that out there, like I was, I was just like, what big ethical question? It's a big ethical concern, like just because you created this person doesn't mean you can drug them without them knowing, and it also takes away their autonomy of knowing what's going on with them, especially since child medic, the medication can have a significant decrease in

your appetite. And I'm just like so you know, she would take weekend break. Some people take weekend break, not now because, by Vance is in a drought, so Ain't nobody taking no breaks. But like she would take weekend breaks because she had concerns about his eating, which is a common concern, but I'm just like, you know, I guarantee you he noticed a difference in his mood Friday versus Saturday. You know, like kids can be thinking something's wrong with them, you know, like, yeah, I just

remember thinking, wow, this is okay. I'm never going to forget this story. And then you take the question, everything that's you've been told once, you find that that was a lie. So Lisa, she's gonna Dr. Raquel Martin: have to tell him, like, okay, so I know you're in college now and you're wondering why you're having issues. It's because you went out of state and I can't drug you anymore. I'm just saying that's why, cuz that's what it is, right? Like they're gonna notice, like mom went

on vacation. Yeah, Dr. Raquel Martin: I don't know why I can't focus anymore. Something's wrong with me. No, mom's on vacation, and she doesn't get a chance to drug you today. Well, this happens so much more than people realize, but the comment is what's letting me know this, because you sometimes forget. But then when we look at a comment, and then sometimes people will type something in there, it'll say, there. It'll say, like, 5.8k likes. I'm like,

wow, almost 6000 people agree with that statement. The comment section will tell you everything. What do you feel Dr. Raquel Martin: like? Are some of the common misconceptions for ADHD, like, as someone who gets to see both sides of it, social media practice, living with it. What do you feel like? Are some of the common myths that you're just like, Nope, that's actually not true. People thinking that it's fake. Number one, some people still think

that it's not a real condition. And those people once they sometimes they have ADHD too. It's not until they realize it, or they see somebody who is close to them, they see how it impacts them, and they're like, oh, wow, something's going on. Another. Misconception is you can grow out of it, like, Oh, you'll grab ADHD, no. Kids just learn to use drugs, or they just figure out different ways to compensate some healthy so I'm not healthy, but, you know, a good majority of people don't

just grow out of it. The medications making you like, starting your growth I see that a lot. Now, the evidence on that is somewhat unclear, but people will say, kind of like with the whole autism and vaccines thing. People kind of say that. I've heard that by a couple people just recently, but I'll say those are the main things. Don't really believe ADHD is real, the medications, the essential growth, and also they don't see

how disabling it can be for a person. Yeah, Dr. Raquel Martin: I think some people don't take it seriously enough. Just like you mentioned, like it being disabling, like it's it's hard to get to a situation where, I don't know, you just want your body to move or work in a different way. People aren't taking it seriously. People are saying,

like, you mean, I'm not lazy, you're not lazy. Your brain works differently, you know, like everybody has learning and thinking differences, and I feel like we don't focus on accommodations the way that we should. It's like, I've always had to issue with the word atypical, because I'm always, I've always been like, what is, what's, what's typical, exactly, and it's used so much in the field. And I'm like, you know

it? And I think it also frustrates me, because it's someone who, like, focuses on black mental health, most of our behaviors are seen as atypical, and they're going to be for an entire science that wasn't devoted to studying us and understanding us. And I feel like it's the same thing with neurodivergence. I'm like, well, instead of thinking about the person being atypical, why don't we think about the environment

not supporting the person the appropriate way, right? Like, I always say that, like, I have one of the biggest and most normalized accommodations. I even get compliments on them every day. That's my glasses, you know. But I don't see anyone saying something like, oh, well, maybe if you just, like, try to

see better, maybe if you would just squint your eyes. But like, has anyone ever said anything about, How is this any different than having difficulty focusing on tasks, having difficulty with multi step directions, needing somebody to give you a recording of the lecture after you like, how are glasses any different? It's just a normalized accommodation. Yeah, wow. I believe, and nobody does, they'll be like, I was, I love,

like, Oh, you like my little you like my accommodation. That the environment has, you know, covered by insurance, because most assessments aren't even covered in insurance. But we got whole optometrists who are making a bag off of my annual exam. It doesn't make any sense. It's an environment thing. There's so many different talking points on

this. Because number one, like, when people take ADHD medication for the first time, I do liken it to somebody take wearing glasses for the first time, like, the first time I put on glasses. I was in Florida, and we were living in a apartment, like a three story apartment. We were on the second floor. I looked after the balcony. I could see the blades of grass for the first time, literally. So it blew my mind, and I'm like, wow. So people can like, I didn't know you're supposed to

like, you could read like, the signs on the street. I thought you have to come like, really close to it before you Dr. Raquel Martin: driving. Dr Kojo, no, I was in fifth grade. I have laces now, but I can't, I can't drive without my visual, my search, you know, visual

accommodations without I can't drive, not at all. So people don't realize that you need accommodations for your brain medications to help you do X, Y and Z. And when people can't get that, the loss of potential, you have to sometimes paint it out vividly and let them know there's a high rate of STDs, teenage pregnancy, car accidents, you have to make the situation as grave as possible. And then people are like, oh,

there's a higher rate of substance use. Okay, alright, well, maybe we'll go get them checked out, because I think it's important. Yeah, people are still in denial sometimes, because takes them a lot to process that this information is true. Yeah, I Dr. Raquel Martin: think, I mean, like, I think we're getting to a better space when it comes to stigma. But like, one thing I have noticed while teaching like grad and undergrad is, like, the younger generation, they have no problem

talking about, like, Oh, yeah. So my therapist told me this, or no, I'm struggling because of my medication. Like there's a shortage, versus like their parents are probably like, stop talking about your finance in church. This is inappropriate, you know, like, it's very it's very different generationally, because they be like, No, I can't focus. It's a byvance, shortest girl, so send it to me via email. I can't do this. I can't focus on this, especially

us. We don't talk about it. It's a shameful idea to or concept to bring up anything mental health related outside the four walls of the house, because people know that your kid has x, y and z, and then parents sometimes feel like that's like a reflection of their parenting or know their genes, and it's not. It's just a diagnosis that better explains the majority of the things that you do. But in our community, that stigma is so pervasive. Said, I'm so senior. Yeah, I'm

so senior. Imma Dr. Raquel Martin: tell more people about the glasses. Because he was like, I don't blame my eyesight on my mom. You so like, eight days. It's just my brain, honey. It's just the way it works. Everybody has learning and thinking differences. Okay, I read ridiculously fast. Everybody can't read as fast as me. Does that mean I'm going to shame them for taking a week late longer to read the book my husband, one time, I was like, I was we were reading a book

together. We read books together. And this one time, he was just like, what, what you mean? You on this chapter? What? What? What do you mean? Or like, the few times where I listened to, like, an audible and I didn't have my headphones, and he was like, you know how that sounds? It sounds like because I listened to it at like, 1.5 he was like, What? What are you listening to? I was like, Oh, I'm listening to this book. He said, it doesn't sound what's the speed? I gotta listen to it

at 1.5 or it sounds obnoxious. Because anything lower than that, I just be like, What? What are the words, Honey, hurry up. I can't, I can't do this, but so you have to go down speed to top her information I Dr. Raquel Martin: do, or you have to go even talking at a normal speed. Like my mom cannot stand off as I talk. But when I talk at a normal speed, to me, it sounds obnoxious, like it sounds like I'm being condescending, like it sounds

like I'm being rude when I talk at a normal speed. So are you talking slower than you normally talk right now? But, Dr. Raquel Martin: but not so much that it's like, however normal, like, okay. So if I'm just like, okay, so if I were to it sounds like I'm making fun of the person I'm talking to. Oh, okay, it makes sense. It might you feel like having to pause

more than necessary. Kind of like you're talking to a kid, Dr. Raquel Martin: to a kid, because I talk to, I talk to the boys the same way I talk to my voice, the same way it could be, it could be helpful. They'll pick up on it. Eventually they will. They'll be like, Dr. Raquel Martin: you know, everybody talks normal, except for mom. Mom talks really fast, and you just get used to it. Like one of my really good friends, she we were, we went to

school together, and we separated for a little bit. And when she when I saw her a while back, she was just like, wow. After I was talking to her, she was like, huh, I forgot how fast you talk. It's gonna take me a little bit too, because she was used to being around normal people. And she was just like, oh yeah, I forgot about this. Okay. Well, it depends. People from Louisiana talk fast.

Puerto Ricans talk really fast. So sometimes, like, people are accustomed to it, maybe just not the people in in your area. Yeah, I can Dr. Raquel Martin: see how it could be a lot like my husband. He's from Nashville, so like he talks at a normal speed. I think I talk really fast. Both of us were frustrated at each other's

communication style. We're both like, this is too much, but it's so important that you can realize that, because that can lead to, like, a whole, like variety of problems, just if you communicate in a different way from the person that you're the closest to, Dr. Raquel Martin: yeah, and I see that so like, when it comes to like mental health, I see that a lot, like in accommodations, like, say, we're talking about ADHD, and like, I feel like, I think some people, I think, like, with the myths

and misconceptions of like, it being a cop out, people may need to understand what it's like when it comes to, I don't know, say you're just moving in with someone who has ADHD and you don't know what their typical lifestyle is when it comes to, like, completing tasks, or I like cabinets open or, like, okay, they have, may have time blindness when it comes to different tasks. And you don't really know this until you're living with them and you're or until you get in a relationship

with them. And it really is just like, it's, it's kind of like having a different communication style. And I feel like people need to be if we're more accepting of it, if we talk about it more it could be more understanding about, like, oh, okay, so you do this differently. I do it this way.

No way is better than the other, but until we have a conversation about it where, you know, I don't want you to think that, you know, if I say I didn't have ADHD, well, I don't have ADHD, but, like, we shouldn't assume that my way is the default, right, just because somebody else does it a different way and they have a diagnosis, okay, but why does that mean that my way is the default? Like, why do we automatically do it my way? It blows my mind that people can still get married today without

a prenup and a psychiatric evaluation mandated. It would solve 80% of problems. Just get prenup this for everybody. This, the story about the money, is now no longer an issue, and then a psychiatric evaluation, because if you understand how the person that you're with ash, then you can take it as defiant, or they don't care, the nonchalant, or they're

overbearing. No, they may. They may have ADHD, they might have trauma that they're dealing with, or grief or depression, but if you don't know these things, it can turn to a fight after fight after fight after fight, and sometimes it can lead to a breakup of a situation where maybe you all were meant to be with each other. So it's important look like you and your husband have already figured it out, but there's so many people

out there. I. We get enough that, you know, to work on these things, because you're professional, some people don't even know that it's an issue. There's go, they're screaming back and forth to each other, and they have no they've never paused once to be like, Oh, something could be going on with this person. It's just more so like, you're attacking me, you're attacking me. I hate you. I hate you. Go, go over there,

and I'll be over here. Yeah, Dr. Raquel Martin: it's one of the reasons why I hate that, whole, it's that whole dynamic of, like, Oh, if they wanted to, they would. And I just be like, you know, as someone who I try to work on it even more, but I suck at like, like, staying up on text messages. I'm trying to get an assistant to help me with emails. And it's not because I don't care about it. It's because, like, I forget, or I responded in my mind. Or, you

know, it's a time where we're not doing screen time. So like, if my kids, they get 30 minutes of screen time. So like, if they're not allowed to be on their screen, it's hard for me to be on mine, you know, like, because that's incredibly

hypocritical, right? Like, it, people will see those messages, and I'm like, you know, the only thing that that's going to change that mindset is like having more narratives like this, but also people getting better at communicating their needs and getting used to being to the point of like, you have to teach people how to treat you right. Like, if I always thought that like my communication style was, you know, the person should just know, without me communicating that to them,

nothing would ever work, right? Like, I think there's this whole mindset that if they wanted to, they would, but it could be that this person is also struggling, and I that those are the kind of messages that I hate seeing on social media, because it's like to a certain extent, but it's also like, have you expressed

your needs and desires? Have you actually stated that and then they said no, or did you just assume that they would they thought the same way as you, or they completed they did dishes on the same day? Or for them, plates went on the top rack and

bowls went on the bottom rack. So them not doing that. It's just them having, you know, being mad at you, like, I think those are the kind of messages that I can't stand seeing because I'm like, well, that's not true, because there are many times where I forget to respond to people, and it's not because I dislike them, it's just because, like, Girl, I forgot.

I'm so sorry. Come back and be like, even if it's an angry message, like, you got one more time to not reply to me, but that still gives me a nudge, you know, like, it reminds me that, like, hey, when you don't reply to me, it hurts my feelings. Okay, so now I gotta start setting, I don't know, timers or, you know, telling them to call me, because it's easy, you know, but I think there's all these mindsets, oh, if they wanted to, they would, would they

I hate, I hate that message. I've seen it online with especially within the dating, you know, sphere, where it's like, Oh, if they want to, they would. And there's all this bad advice going around, and it is going so viral, and we're all impressionable. Somebody's taking his advice as your gospel. They're like, Okay, well, because they didn't do

XYZ, that person hates me, or this person's a narcissist. It's not all like that's why we're needed within this space, because some of the information that goes around, I look at it and I'm it's not meant to be comedic, but Dr. Raquel Martin: like, you're, we're, you in good company, because I literally be like, oh, what?

We're not on the same page. There's so many issues that can go away if we just got on the same page, business wise, relationship wise, but when we're not on the same page, that we feel like we tend to go at each other, but we have to get on the same page. A lot of times we're in the same book, maybe on

the same chapter, but somebody's ahead of the other person. But until we get on the same page, you're gonna be firing shots back at each other and and we just have to pause and learn to understand that people are coming from the things that we think about, or we know the average person. I don't think it ever goes through their head, yeah, because they're living life on autopilot, just paying bills, living life, raising kids, taking care of Asian parents, so you're not really

thinking about these things. Yeah. And I on a day to day basis, yeah. And I think it's even Dr. Raquel Martin: harder when they have to go to 50 different platforms to get, like, an answer to one thing. That's where I really like when I went following like, you know, likes of adult professionals like you, and looking at stuff, because when they specialize in something, or they talk about

it, they'll share resources. But it's that much easier because I can share a video about like, five ways to help with depression. Those five ways came from years of working with patients, and also from this article and that article and that article. But you don't need to read all of that. You can if you want to click the resource, or you can just look at these tips like, I think it's also, you know, the reason why social media can be incredibly helpful when it does what it should is

one, it connects, when it connects people you know. It connects people you know, who have access to stuff that you may have never met. But also, like, it takes out the guesswork for some time. But it's also dangerous, because, like, it's taking out the guesswork, and it's just like, No, you should, you should have some, some of these videos you should have challenged, like, don't you shouldn't have taken that value. Like, that was, yeah, like, in the first place.

I think educating people on how to consume this information is important, because I can miss, I'm sure there's videos where I missed. So I'm not perfect, just that my information is probably more accurate than the majority of people. But I can miss not everything is going to be exactly the way that it should be, but this is still somebody who has gone to school for this amount of time. That's why I

like the way you do your videos. I'm Dr Martin, boom, boom, because people sometimes need an introduction to know, okay, well, whatever this woman's going to tell me, at least I know I can take it to be the truth, even if I don't like it, because she's qualified, and we have to go through all these hoops, and there's the algorithm. This is a whole different conversation. You have to figure out how to hack, but that's why I spend my time on, like the majority of they trying

to figure out how to hack. Facebook is different from Instagram. Got it. Okay, it's the same company, meta, but this one is different from there. YouTube is different from here. Got it. People want to hear about this, and then the way that they deliver the content is so specific to each platform. So we're playing this game. But what makes me feel better is that I'm here in LA, the industry, they don't have any

idea what people want to see, because they're so behind. So not only are we ahead of our peers in the mental space, we're ahead of how people consume information. So all of the the painstaking work of figuring out this doesn't work here, that doesn't work here, it's all gonna make sense in the end, because once you reach your people, they'll do the work for you. All I do is just the people. They'll spread the word.

They'll bring things in, they'll bring opportunities. But it's just staying focused on trying to reach the people who a lot of times, just like the things that work for you, say out loud, I put on paper, and then you put in this kit, and that's how you connect with people now they now they trust you. Night, of

course, you're Dr Martin, but then it's like, Oh, wow. Like, I feel like I know this person, which is really hard to get into clinic sometimes, because it's like, oh, I'm helping you, but I can't really tell you. Like, Well, what I'm up to, yeah? Dr. Raquel Martin: So, yeah, I definitely think the reason I think you're right because I think it sounds insane, but I think the reason why I get more trust in the community is because when people say ridiculous stuff, I'm like, All

right, now you lost your mind, okay? Like, I genuinely, I genuinely think it's because, like me, I consistently state what like, what I do. You know me being a psychologist is what

I do. It's not who I am. And as someone who has a psychologist is also working through mental like knows all of these realms, I can wholeheartedly tell you that it's not always going to be helpful for your well being to rise above if someone's talking to you like they have no sense, like I'm not I think I was like, some of my videos will do well, but the ones where I'm just like, I respond to a comment and I'm like, you don't lost your your darn mind, and I'm gonna help you find it 90 seconds or

less, you know, just to be like, well, you ain't got to curse everybody else, to curse them out. You could just be like, let me, let me, let me tell you something about yourself, because you got the right one today. You can't talk to people like that. That is inappropriate boundaries that so that we all struggle with. So sometimes we need to hear things in a certain way. That's how I

learned. Like coming up playing football like I like, it's hard for me to read between the lines, but when you say it the same, the way you say it is the right is harsh, but once you put your feelings to the side, you're like, oh, wow, that is true. I can't let them come and keep doing this over and over to me and not stand for myself, because I can't stand for myself in any area of my life, because I can't say no to my mom or whatever the case may be. I like, I like, how you come in

your direct Yeah. Because Dr. Raquel Martin: I think a lot of times people, when they think of mental health, I think they think it means, like, okay, so you're always putting someone before you. People can talk to you any kind of way that the only way to have appropriate mental health is, like, put things before you and selflessness and stuff like that. And you can't ever acknowledge that something is rude. And I'm just like, No Nobody you know me being direct with you and saying that this

was inappropriate. That's mental, because you're not going to be coming into a space making me or my community feel uncomfortable. And additionally, who told you like, so since I always, I've been recently stating, like, that whole like, you know, don't advocate for yourself. That is, like, really they got the best PR, like, those habitual line steppers, they got the best PR, because you really got people out here thinking that advocating for yourself makes you a monster.

You know, they got the best marketing team. Oh, well, you know, this is how to be good at your you have good mental health. And I'm like, Man, if I had your marketing, I would be at 3 million followers already, because you really got people thinking that that's the only way to be a good person. Well, you have to, you have to be quiet about you can't say these things. And I'm just like, Who told you that? Who told you that, like advocating for your for yourself, is it makes you a

bad person? Was it your parent? Let's talk about it on this, on the clock, though, because it's like what? It's ridiculous, and the more I think about it, it's funny, because these are generations of people who've been conditioned to think this way. So it's gonna take a while to break it. So that community, they'll have the best PR over they'll have the a big stronghold on people, because we. When people hear that, like, okay, yeah, yeah, I should be

docile. I should be sweet. I should be but then that passive nature of how you are is making you, is making you lose professionally and to personally, you're going to lose in so many areas, when sometimes it's not good to be humble. These are things that we're told as kids, like, when you lower yourself, guess what? You put yourself low enough for them to

come and step on come and step on you. And you'll see that in contract negotiations and and brand deals, there's so many things that I've started saying no to this year, because I'm like, you wouldn't pay a white gay doctor in Hollywood. And I have to say that because there's a certain demographic of people who get certain things and all no disrespect to any community.

I want to learn about every comedian. Advocate for all. But then, when you look at yourself in relation to who's out there, you know that okay if I looked a certain way, if I had blonde hair and blue eyes and the first 3.5 seconds to be able to get so

much more attention. So we know all these things. So we have to advocate for ourselves and where our community sees us do that, we're teaching them how they should go about life, because the disrespect won't stop until you can speak up for yourself, and if you have good intentions and you care for everybody, you want everybody to win, then you can absolve yourself of that guilt of feeling like, Oh, I'm bad because I spoke up for

myself, or I shouldn't have said that was too harsh. Well, if you didn't say that, you'll keep getting punched in the mouth and your opinion is watching you. And then how can they say after their parents? Or how can they how can they come be? How can they get the combination that they need for themselves in school, if you can't do it because they're they're relying on, they're drawing from your energy. So it kind of targets me to have to stand up to my sound for myself in all these

different spaces, because I'm requiring people to do that. So I have to be, I don't want to be a hypocrite. I know that we all are, but I want, I want to make sure I fall through my word and I'm standing up for myself and everything that I do, I'm making decisions that show that I respect myself, which is really hard, really hard you, Dr. Raquel Martin: but you make a very good point. It shows that you respect yourself, right? Like people will make it seem

like you know, it's even like the whole being humble. Since when? Since when has it been wrong to be confident about the

skills that took you time to build right? Like there's people will really be would rather be like some people in shock and upset at someone who knows more than you than to be excited about the whole aspect of like, learning, like, when I kid you not, every time somebody knows more than me about something, and I can tell I ask, like, I have asked you questions, like I always reach out, and it's just like, well, they know more than me. You You expect me to. Why would I? Why this person knows

more than me? I would ask the person who knows more than me and is doing than me and is doing better, like that is invigorating for me. Other people would be like, they think they know so much they do they do know more than me. What Come on? Like? What's the issue? Like? I I'm always just amazed. You could tell a lot about people with how they respond to individuals who know more than them, because with me, I'm like, connection made. Let me tell you something. Guess who know more

about this than me? This person, and if they got a course, I'm there, you know, like, what's the issue? What it doesn't mean anything about you. It's just like, well, if you have a question, you ask, if you want to know more, you learn. We're all learning, like, why would I take offense to knowing less than you. How is that offensive to

me? Yeah, because you've done the work on yourself, but most people haven't done that work on themselves, and they'll realize that they're projecting, they're projecting wherever they're feeling, and it's coming out in their response, like I can hear it. So a lot of times, based off the energy I get from somebody in a certain space, I'm like,

Oh, wow, I know where they are because I used to be there. So, you know, you give them grace, but sometimes you gotta give them space too, because the energy is infectious, because they have to work on themselves. So I think, because, I think we just hold the mirror up to ourselves much more because of what we do. So we're able to, yeah, you see how ugly you are, how beautiful you are, how ugly you can be, how beautiful you

can be. And once you know yourself on that level, it's easier to give other people grace, but then we can say what we say with more confidence, whereas people are sometimes like you can just tell them somebody is projecting on you, and all you can do is just pray for them and and give them space. But because I've had to deal with that constantly, and now I've let go of my need for understanding. So you just kind of give people grace, and they're coming from wherever

they're coming from. But we know that in order for us to really be helpers, we have to look at ourselves first. That's very difficult to have to stay at yourself every day. It Dr. Raquel Martin: is. I always be like, you know, I think about, I'm a medical I think about thinking, and I'll be like, Man, it's exhausting. Like people, people like, I'm like, listen, I wish. I just want to make sure you know my threshold

is high. So if I offended you, if there's an issue, I need you to tell me, because when I eventually find out, not only am I going to be mad at. Myself for not for, like, doing that, I'm going to be mad at you for not telling me. So I was like, so we're both in trouble. Because why the heck did you tell me I was, I was, you know, like, I'm trying to fix this now, so I'm just like, right now, and you don't, you don't tell me something is off. Imma, we both going to be in trouble, because

I need to know. One, I need to fix it. But two, why the heck didn't you tell me that that was something that was something that was making you upset? And then I got to be like, probably because I was going to come at you this way, huh? Like, probably because this is a big confrontational style to ask you in the first place. And it's just like, this is very advanced to just be like,

I think, on the same exact level. But then I have to, like, give myself grace, because when I'm on that level and other people aren't, then I'm like, harder myself. And people are like, Oh, whatever. I'm like, but I'm doing this mental work, and they're like, Dr. Raquel Martin: it's nice. No, it's no big deal. Oh, it's fine. And I'm like, Well, no, it's not fine. And I mean, like, that's what most of people around me. I'm always just like,

Listen, I'm not about to dig for your feelings. So if you don't bring it to my attention, I'm going to assume it's not an issue. However, please realize that anything you do bring to my attention will get addressed. So I want you to take Silas in that it's not going to get ignored. But I'm not about to go digging for like. I'm not about to pull your emotions out of you. You

are not my patient, honey. Like we are we are friends, and also, like, I'm not to use that phrase, oh, again, bring it to me or not, because that's, you know, I think a lot of people will be like, Well, I wonder if they're upset. Do they tell you they're upset? No, well, I guess that's not on you. No, healthy communication is so underrated, and it's difficult, yeah, because I'll start using

Dr. Raquel Martin: that. I like that. Let them know. Like, listen now you seem like you You seem like you're upset, but you didn't tell me you're upset. So did you want to get some food or what are you what are we doing? Like, I'm not gonna pull it out of you. Like, just because I'm a psychologist, you're not my patient. Did you get an invoice after this conversation? No, then you're not my patient. Yeah. Why?

You shouldn't have to carry all that emotional labor on your back, and that's how you get to have those conversations where you talk to somebody and then you walk away feeling so heavy, but you have to carry all that like you have to pull your own weight too. Dr. Raquel Martin: Yeah, and I'm gonna let y'all know, rocket, I'm not carrying it. Okay. Oh, did you want to have a Nope, I got childcare pickup. I got to cook dinner. My dishwasher is

still broken. Like, no. Like we if you bring it to me, we'll talk about it. But other than that, I'm going to assume you are having a cheery day, honey. I'm just going to assume that Well, Doctor, thank you so much for coming on this show. I very much appreciate it. I wanted to definitely talk about ADHD, and I love the fact that your platform provides an opportunity for multiple experiences like you. I like that you show so many different aspects of yourself. You show it from

experiencing it. You're providing skits from practice, from comedy to so tell everybody where they can see you, because you're also on some stages as well. Yes, ma'am, I have a show may 24 at a winery in Temecula, as here in wine country in California. It's about two hours south of La somewhere around there. So

that's may 24 on a Friday average show June 1. That's a Saturday night at the fourth wall Cafe, which is my favorite spot to perform in Hollywood. And then I have one confirmed show for July, july 11 at the Uptown Comedy Theater in Atlanta. So that's my first comedy show in the NSF. It's gonna be, what kind of what july 11? Dr. Raquel Martin: I'm sorry, july 11 and Elena, I was gonna ask, what kind of comedy like? What can they expect to see? Because your show clips on your social media too,

right? They expect to see the content that I talk about online, but through my experiences. So, you know, come and see me poke fun at myself and all the silly things that we do that we don't want to talk about. But it's just it's more liberating when you talk about it, because you realize you're not the only person who is self sabotaging in these different ways, and it draws you to, you know, other people on a deeper level. Because I don't like small talk. Like, I want to meet

somebody and, like, tell me the good stuff. Like, I like to connect like that with people. So I like to do that with the audience and strangers. And sometimes easier to talk to strangers than it is to your family. So that's kind of, that's snippet of what I talk about, Dr. Raquel Martin: I love that somebody did this post about, like, describe what you do in the worst possible way. And I

said, Oh, I talk shit. Who's like, what? Yeah, yeah. And then I teach other people how to also, like, talk they own shit, like, like, and then not let people talk shit against them. It's just like, that's, I mean, or gossip, or gossip, that's what we do, right? Like, what did they say to you? It's the truth. It's the truth of fun for you, because that's the absolute truth. We're getting the the juicy details that nobody else gets, but you know, we're

managing it in a therapeutic way, and then you take it. Then you throw back to them, and now they can set barriers for themselves, aka talk, prevent that people do that. It's done to them. It's very empowering to just tell somebody, Hey, you're not going to talk like this to me, and then to do that to people and say, Hey, I need to stand for myself in this level, that level, this way, that way, that's one of the most empowering things that you can get, and it's not taught in the

form of years. It's not taught in middle school, elementary school, preschool, high school, college. You're expected to go through life and just learn it after trauma. That's pretty much which is Dr. Raquel Martin: crazy, because I can tell you that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. I couldn't tell you what to do when I was so stressed out that I couldn't complete my homework, like, those are the skills we should have got. Like, oh yes, hypotenuse, that's great. What

do I do when I'm too anxious to even go to an event? Can you tell me that I'm over here learning how to make a quiche and I don't know how to do grounding exercises? This makes no sense, right? Learn how to write in curses. All these differences, Dr. Raquel Martin: ridiculous. Well, thank you so much. Oh, also, what are your social media handles and what kind of work?

What social media platforms can we find you on? So I think Instagram, I guess, is like the home that people know first promotes my Instagram page is at Dr, K O, J O, S, A, R, F O, Doctor. Kojo Sarfo on tick. Tock is the same thing, but there's a dot between the doctor and the coders are for and our Facebook community is also growing as well. So that's facebook.com/kojo, Sarfo, and also on YouTube shorts. We're on YouTube or YouTube, but YouTube shorts is where we get

the most engagement. So youtube.com/coders, are full. Is another place that you can find me at, and my website, codersoffer.com as well. But Instagram is probably a better place to see the most current stuff that I'm Dr. Raquel Martin: working Yeah. And I mean, if you don't find them on Instagram, you can find them everywhere. You just named every platform, like only tiktokers, so like, wherever your platform is, I want to come and communicate to you in the ways that our no content is best

delivered on that platform. I'm trying my best to be organized. That's very good. We're really Dr. Raquel Martin: because you have a different population on every single one because, right, it's good because you helping

everybody. It's different people, because my Facebook people are very different than my Instagram, which is very different than my Tiktok, my Tiktok at this point, it's just all of my students and their friends at this point, but yeah, thank you so much for coming on the show and have a good rest of your day.