Should The Next Generation Have A Better Experience? Ft Amber Wallin

laugh? My writing you laugh? Again, it's going back to the storytelling, right? Like we want to hear those stories. Good stories are how we escaped just like the boringness of our own lives. So I want to hear about it. Somebody throw a chair at you like rights that like continuing with the session as religion like you're continuing with the 40 more minutes like what? What are you chill? To literally Oh, my gosh, and you continue to session with that person? Oh, yeah.

Dr. Raquel Martin: If they wanted to hurt me, they would have hurt me. So like, I think this might also be a Philly thing. Sure. If you hit that it because it was a teenage boy, he was bigger than me if he if he wanted to, like attack me. Yo, he could have knocked him out. He didn't knock my head off. He was trying to scare me. He was also frustrated. But he had difficulty with emotion regularly like he don't he don't know any other way to be like listened to without doing these

big things. So I'm like, right. I see how you got there. You mean about to freak me out. It's really not that deep. It's literally shallow was a kiddie pool chill. And let's talk about how that's not how you tell me you don't want to talk about this topic. You can just say I'm not ready to discuss this. I won't be doing because what are we? What's your chips? What are we doing? Like I recently started rebuilding the Sopranos. And so yeah,

Dr. Raquel Martin: like it's their anniversary, right? It's like their 25th or something anniversary of the show coming out or something like that. Wow. See, I wouldn't know because I'm just now you know, when everybody was watching good quality shows. I was watching Flavor of Love. So now I'm going back and trying to rewatch the quality shows. Yeah, it's like it's like that relationship between like Tony, his therapist, I'm kind of just

like, sis, at what point? Is he going to just cut you like he's, he's killing people around you. He's putting his hands on your throat? flipping your desk over? Like, how much can the therapist take? Yeah, and but she's still like, see you next week, Mrs. Brown. I'm like, wow, these therapists really do the work. Dr. Raquel Martin: It's also like in therapy, a lot of times there's these these conversations about there's so many different therapies and techniques and styles. There's

this thing called the dodo bird verdict. And guys, I'll put it in the caption, but it's kind of like there was Alice in Wonderland. They were doing like a, what are they doing a race and like, somebody came in first. And they said, you won, and someone came in third. And they're like, you won, and someone came in fifth. And they said, you won. And they're like,

who won, and they said, everybody wins. It's just about, you know, the aspect of the race and therapy, in my opinion, it's the same thing it's not about sometimes it's about very specific techniques. But a lot of times, it's about having that model of inappropriate relationship to a certain extent, because you shouldn't be throwing chairs at people. But sometimes people will try you, you've never had a space to

share emotions without being invalidated. Sometimes you just pick up on a certain vibe and stuff like that you've never, maybe you have a man, black man as a as a therapist, and you've never been able to work with a black man or be around what to not be afraid of them. But you were missing, you're not afraid of them. So that can transition into other relationships. Like it's not core. It's not always sometimes it's just about like, the therapeutic relationship. And even just having someone

where it's just like, I mean, he threw a chair. And it's just like in a typical scenario that's trying to intimidate someone likely having me either give up on you or snap, or try to invalidate you or degrade you. But me me and like, I mean, that was a high level of conflict. But conflict doesn't mean I'm going to you know, it doesn't require a degree, you know, degrading you at all. So, I'm going to have a conversation with you like an adult like, Hey, we're not doing that. If

you don't want to talk about a topic. It's okay to just share that you don't want to talk about it. Let's use our words here is way too many words. In a with language for it to get to this point. Absolutely. Yeah. Dr. Raquel Martin: And especially with black mother used to always like they're often feared at the bottom line. So even me just being like, I'm from Philly, I know, do I want it I tell my friend the other day like Don't let this cardigan

fool you. I mean Okay, so I don't and Dr. Raquel Martin: plus I always see the scenario being like if you wanted to hurt me What if he was shot scare me? Why, Honey, I love that. Jerry Springer. Dr. Raquel Martin: And he was really we touched on a topic that he did not want to talk about, like, I didn't want to talk about it. So he was pissed. And I'm like, you can you can just, I mean, he was just telling me like, Yo, I don't want to talk about it. You ain't gotta do all that, like

you gotta do. We all have been taken to a level maybe hopefully not physical violence or things like that. But like, yeah, we've all found ourselves just hitting something aggressively, you know, just like, I didn't get to get that off my heart. So I'm, I'm grateful that you took it like that. I don't think most people would have. I was a therapist, that definitely would have been our last session, my boy. See,

but you know, that's, that's the thing with I do stuff. You know, that's the thing was just like, my staff would just be like me, bro. Yeah, that's excessive. Yeah, that's right. Me too. Chill. Like, this Dr. Raquel Martin: is a lot. I feel like it's also the the mindset everyone does therapy differently, especially when working with a black man seeing it that way. But just the vibe

is just always going to be different. And everyone listen to clinicians, you guys don't have to if someone is throwing chairs, and you feel uncomfortable, anything they do to make you feel uncomfortable, you can I mean, that's a reasonable expectation about work with them. But I've also done work in detention centers. Like, yeah, I'm just getting, like, typically, I'm like, kiddo. But if I ever felt uncomfortable, it will be a firm no for me.

Gotcha. Good. I was like, now now you got to have a line at some point. Dr. Raquel Martin: I have a line. But I think of it kind of just like the same what you mentioned, because we have toddlers, the same way you mentioned like you've had an inclination and people get upset and the whole hitting thing. I had to remind myself of this because people ask me this all the time. Like, oh, is it easier to parent? When you know you? You did Child and Family Therapy and said just because I know the

reason behind what why I want to rip my face off. Doesn't make me want to rip my face off any less. I still want to rip my face off my face that yes, yeah, cuz you got to I got two toddlers Dr. Raquel Martin: foreign to Wow. But part of it is like when he started hitting. I'm like, I mean, if I get to man, I want to hit I ain't gonna lie. Right? How do I expect a four year old like you can't hit if I get really mad. I just be like, Well, yeah, her father is really good at just being like, if you

want to hit something. Let's get a pillow. Let's get something over here. Because because I'm like, you ain't had nothing in this house. But we're trying to introduce some new like, if hitting is the goal, let's do around a hacker hives or something like if she like if the physical this is what you want to do. Let's let's let's troubleshoot. Dr. Raquel Martin: How did you think about incorporating that? Were you brought up that way to like in that room? Like, I

wasn't either. So how did you transition to this space? Where right? I told my husband we were talking the other day about how our children they got the right generation? Because the stuff that mice sons do yes, that was mine. I was also a very and I'm sure you were like this as well. Like I was I was the eldest child of three. So I was very responsible, like very self disciplined from a young age and I still got weapons, and I felt like our weapons. You know, I was like, because back then not

that I'm that old. I'm I'm 32 about to be 33. But I there was something about the 90s 80s 70s parent that was like, weapons were like a gichon. Like, like if you made an accident you got a weapon. And so Dr. Raquel Martin: much you hungry? You still hungry? What? Yeah, like you get a cold and you get a weapon. You're like, no, like, Meyer, this, uh, you were you were afraid of your parents, and you were afraid to be honest with them. And I remember when you posted that video, and I was

like, Oh, just me and my dad to a tee. And we're definitely like, obviously, much better now. But when we when I see him getting elevated, I still have to sort of remove myself from the setting. Like, I'm like, I gotta leave the room because like, I'm not succeeding anymore. You can't just like cuss me out. And then I gotta go to school. Like I flew in town to see you. And now you're like, like, I have a condo in Chicago. We have a home in LA like I don't have to. Why why did I pay

to come here to get past that? Or you know Not for tiny things. It's like, why did you put your shoes in the kitchen? Because we don't live here. Like we don't know where things go. So you make it clear. Make it clear where you want things to go, or they're going to be in the way. And then my mom's like, why don't you to put yourself in a closet? I open the closet. You see all your clothes here. That's why I can't put anything in the closet. They're hoarders to tolerance.

Dr. Raquel Martin: I think, you know what, though, that there should be a study on this specific generation in hoarding. Because a lot of this is a lot of our stories when it comes to our parents. It's a lot of our stories when it comes to our parents. Like, why do you have this? I remember you doing a series What were you trying to get? It was something your mom's eventually she got rid of declutter, my father was feeling

just a sense of relief. And I'm I started you know, you know, get out there positive myself, because I was like, your cortisol levels are high, because they're all this stuff like you. You can't navigate this space. So I could just see him becoming so much more. But as a child, I don't really know how to, I don't have the verbiage to say like, this is

overconsumption and scarcity mindset. Yeah, rap Dinamo. And now your kid, just breathing gets on your nerves, because all this clutter and everything, you know, I'm not making excuses for my folks. But like, I think all of our family's houses are cluttered. Like what is that? It's Dr. Raquel Martin: a whole thing. And it'll just be like, what, why? Why? Why did you purchase it? Because you know, you're not gonna move, you're staying in the same house your

whole lives, God forbid you move. So like, why not just get

rid of it? I think that's an issue. I also think it's incredibly helpful generationally that we're able to, like within our children build this generational bond, where we're able to foster something that we didn't get, right, because I think that's what a lot of parents older parents struggle with is like, with the frustration tolerance, like they're snapping, and they need to kind of like model appropriate emotion regulation, but it was never modeled for

them. Right? I think especially a lot of families they struggle with, like, how do I, how do I do this in this realm, and foster this on my child when I never had it? And honestly, I've worked with some families where the parents feel resentful of like, oh, well, why do you get to cry, I've never got to cry, and you should have been able to, you should have been able to cry, right? That doesn't mean your child was good to me.

I really hate that notion that it's like, well, if this wasn't my experience, then the next generation should have a better experience. It's the same argument with the student loans. And I was like, that's the literal whole point like for us to improve ourselves, with each generation with the proliferation of technology, like, the whole point is for us to improve ourselves and evolve. Like, that is what human beings

do. So I just can't get behind this whole, like, I definitely think my parents and grandparents are far Kinder much out there. They were me my brother, I was like, Who are these two? Because what is happening right now with the grandparents, but I don't know, I think I kind of get excited thinking about how we are parenting consciously like we the millennials, and I guess a little bit of like, a little bit of Gen X, maybe with the generation of a Gen X.

Dr. Raquel Martin: Is that before us or after us? Gen X is before us. Okay? Okay. That's kind of like our parents, and maybe I feel like I'm missing a generation, but then the millennials, then obviously, Gen Z, and then like, our kids are gonna be Gen Alpha. They're in alpha. Okay. So Gen alpha is being raised a little bit more consciously, which is going to make them become better at Oh, like, I don't I don't

understand the backlash. It doesn't mean no consequence that Dr. Raquel Martin: when these kids walk around, well, they do run me but you think I'm letting they I think they think it's no consequence. And I don't, I don't know where they got that from. I every time someone's like, Well, how do you know? Well, conscious parenting or whatever will work. And it's just like, well, I know what didn't work. I know what Wait, we

it would be in my best interest to try something new. Because like it, what does it help to teach a child to not do a thing and to do it to the child like, like, they just they're just not going to learn it like that? Like I in my opinion, Dr. Raquel Martin: it doesn't make any sense. It's not developmentally appropriate. I'll do with parents. And a lot of times when I've dealt with difficult cases, they're like,

how do you deal with these cases? And I was like, well, you start with empathy, like everyone has a story of how they got there. I can empathize with you and then work from there to kind of help you get to where you need to go. But a lot of people are expected their their parenting in the way that they were parented. And they've never even acknowledged the fact that like, you were parented in an appropriate way, like, oh, I should, my child should be able to sit still and be quiet the

whole time. And I said, I don't know you shouldn't have been expected to Do that as a five year old you did that out of fear out of fear that's why you have you struggle finding your voice now that's that's that's why you're struggling to find your voice now you see when you got in you got in trouble every time you got something wrong and now you're a perfectionist. Yes you're a people pleaser you've you don't want to

you're a doormat. Yeah, pleaser Dr. Raquel Martin: doormat you got told that love was very conditional unless you did stuff appropriately so now you have like a you have attachment issue like you know like people just didn't work for you. Hey Dr. Raquel Martin: everyone, just a reminder that mind your mental is not just a podcast, it is also a amazing community if I do say so myself. It's phenomenal. I mean, you get more

access to me what more could you want in this life? So if you want to join the community, if you're not already on the community would go to my social media. My social media is the same Raquel Martin PhD and DM me the word community so you can get details on joining this amazing flipping community you get more access to me all like I'm gonna delights. All right. All right. Hope to see you there.