Dr. Raquel Martin: All right. So once again, thank you so much for coming to this show. Nedra, I really appreciate it. Thank you for being here.
Thanks for having me. Of course, of course, of course. Dr. Raquel Martin: So I think one of the things that I feel as though was incredibly helpful to discuss is ability to respect your boundaries and acknowledge what they are. But it comes up a lot with my patients when it comes to different generations,
right? Like, a lot of times, I am dealing with individuals who are trying to acknowledge the fact that, for example, say they're trying to have a conversation with a family member, or some family members trying to have a conversation with them. And they're not in the right space to do it. Right. Like they noticed that either they're too exhausted, or they don't have the mental capacity for it right now. Or they
noticed that the person is being disrespectful. And even though it's an important conversation, they're like, I don't really feel as though mentally I can provide the energy that it deserves. And individuals trying to express that and it being seen as disrespect, right? What would your response be to that scenario, because my patients come in with that all the time. And a lot of times, they will continue with the conversation, and then they don't feel good about it. They don't feel good
about what they said during that moment. And they tried to advocate for themselves, they stated, like, hey, you know, this is getting kind of heated. Also, like, you know, it's like midnight, or something like, I'm letting you know all of these things about why I don't feel as though I can give this conversation, the energy that it deserves. And it does deserve energy. But you want to keep having the conversation. And
you're telling me I'm being disrespectful. And I if anything, I'm trying to respect you, because I know that this relationship deserves me being fully present. And I can't do that. How would you address that, especially since it's being perceived as disrespect? Like, I'm your mom, you're gonna talk to me whenever I want to talk. And I'm like, not me, not your mom. I'm saying a patient.
Yeah, I think in our conversations with people, we reserve the right to pause certain conversations, when it is kind of this continuous circle of us repeating ourselves saying the same things. And the same thing in different ways, you know, using, you know, various examples, like there are some conversations that we don't get to the bottom of. And we need to be able to say, let's pause this and return to it. Maybe after a good night's rest, maybe after a cup of warm milk,
we can come back to this. But right now, we have talked until we can't talk anymore. So being able to take that pause is helpful. And I was also thinking, as you were, you know, explaining that situation a bit. There are some people we don't want to have the conversation with, because they just can't hear anything. And I think from what I've seen, like on social medias, like avoiding people is terrible. And it's like, some
people are really jerks and not good people to talk to. And we don't talk about that enough that is it avoidance when you've tried to have a conversation with a person or you've tried to set a boundary with the person, and they push back and they're like, you're not talking to me about it. It's like I actually did, I actually did talk to you about it, but they want over communication on a topic that they're unwilling to bend on.
Because that happens a lot in families, too. You mentioned parents, and that happens a lot with parents where they're like, I want you to be able to talk to me, but what they're not saying he is but only about the things that I'm willing to talk to you about. And so when you bring these sorts of conversations to them, yeah, but it can go on and on because the resolution for them, is you not having this issue with them. Dr. Raquel Martin: Yeah, and I, I think that can happen a lot.
And I also feel like one of the issues is this whole mindset that like I'm too old to change, or there's no way I can modify this. And I've always felt as though when people say that they're too old to change or anything in that realm. What they're really saying is that I've decided that my comfort is more important than our relationship. Because I in no way think anyone's too old to change. I think everything is a decision. And I'm not one of those people who feels as though
it's easier and I don't want to say mince words. I'm a fairly direct person but direct not in the form of like blunt honesty direct in the form of like, somebody hurts my feelings, I'm going to say Oh, that hurt my feelings and or if there's a scenario where someone's like, Oh, can we continue discussing
it? I actually I feel as though we better to discuss this later because right now I have a lot of thoughts running through my head and I really would love to be able to organize them before we talk like my processing speed isn't going at your processing speed. And I've always felt that is incredibly helpful because
then my friends or family tell me the same thing. You don't really have to have guests work with me when it comes to like if you hurt my feelings or if I'm feeling overwhelmed, because I just stated, right? Like, there's no, oh, I wonder if that upset her, I would say there's something upset me. And I think sometimes people feel like they're protecting the
relationship. Or, yeah, I think a lot of times people think they're protecting the relationship by not sharing themselves or not expressing it. And what I've learned, honestly, is that just builds resentment, like I don't, I think, that actually builds resentment in the relationship because you're not sharing what you're feeling. And then you're wondering why they're not reading your mind. And they're not picking up what you're putting down, but you're not sharing. And I think there
are many reasons why people don't share. It could be because they're uncomfortable, it could be because they haven't identified it, it could be because the last time they shared this person, like, lost their mind, and it didn't go well. And that keeps happening. To which I would say you need to
identify whether you want this person in your life. But I think there's this thought process at times that by people pleasing, or not sharing how you really feel you're actually contributing to the, like, the strengthening of that relationship. And I think that's actually contributing to the detriment of that relationship. Yeah, it is certainly building the resentment in the relationship. And and I think sometimes when we are avoiding certain conversations with people we have to identify, has
there been harm in the past? Or do we think that this person is just incapable based on how we've seen them show up? Sometimes, you know, there are some people who are so disheveled and unable to control their own lives, we don't want to put more on their plate. So saying to them, like, Oh, I'm upset, I'm overwhelmed. It just seems like they're already have a lot going on. And so sometimes we're trying to protect people from having to deal with another thing, and that thing being us
and our stuff. And so for their protection, we're like, you know, I know you're dealing with this thing and that thing, so I don't even want to bring another thing to you. And then there's, you know, this sack of people who, I would say, have some pretty rigid boundaries in the form of, they may have communicated somewhere along the way that they need help. They need assistance, it was an honor. And so they just stopped. It wasn't taken serious. So it's not that I've never said it
before. It's like I said it, I'm not going to keep repeating it. And so I'll just do it on my own. I'll suffer in silence, because I have communicated this. So there are people you know, all on the spectrum of, oh, my gosh, they never communicate anything to they communicate it all the time. And I think the people who seem who appear stressed or highly rewarded, the people who appear problems are rewarded for that. It's like, oh, my gosh, you're just shoveled, your shirt is on
backwards. Let's help this person. When in actuality, my shirt may be on the right way. But guess what, I'm as disheveled I just appear a little differently. Dr. Raquel Martin: Well, so how so when people have decided to do that aspect of like shutting down? Do you feel as though? Well, what advice would you give to those people who their next step was shutting down, like to get out of that space? Or to move to a healthier aspect? Because I would think that the
shutting down? I mean, when you shut down these things, you're not able to progress, right? Like, if you're one of my patients mentioned that, like y'all, you know, it's keeping my feelings to myself, we're building up this wall has kept out on the bed. And I was like, right, right. Are you aware that it is also kept out the good? Because it's not like you can, her wall was no relationships. I do work. I do all this. I have my routine. Of course, like this came as a result of like being
hurt significantly. And her just being like, I will never go through that pain again. I genuinely don't feel as though I could recover. I'm just going to shut everything off. And I'm just going to not do anything. But then things will also come up where she was also clearly dissatisfied with this, but she felt that there was no other option, right? Like, she wasn't really showing that she was happy with this whole shutting things off. But she felt that was the only way to survive in this moment.
Yeah, I think there are some folks who feel like my problem is so big and it's actually the people you're taking your problem to. Because sometimes we go to the Same person, because we feel like this person should be there. For
us. This happens a lot in families. Even when we may have a parent who has demonstrated not having the emotional capacity, or whatever it is, it's like you will keep going to this person like, this is my parent, this is the person who has to have this capacity, you will keep talking to, you know, so and so friend about this thing. And the expectation is
like, they should have this capacity. So when they demonstrate they don't have it, it's like, oh, I have to keep all my problems to myself, when in actuality, you may need to speak to your mother in law, you may need to speak to your coworker, you may need to talk to your neighbor, it's not that your problem can't, you know, be set on the shoulders of someone else, but the people you're taking it to and looking for a
certain response, they can't help you. So it's not that no one can help you move, no one can help you, you know, review your papers. No one can help you. With your children. It's like you're going to these people who can't help and you're taking that messages, all people will not help me, therefore, I will not do blank. All people are terrible, therefore I will not date you've dated five people. That's always an
interesting one. I have clients who are like, you know, everybody, I've dated on my girl, how many people you live? Six people, come on, man, six people. Dr. Raquel Martin: That ain't a no brainer, terrible, or women are terrible. I was like, Man, that's crazy. I have not met all men and women. How did you find the time to meet every single man or woman and it's night and day meeting people. Just like I just be like, Yo, like you will travel that's, that's a lot. I
don't know how you found the time to do that. And to be on time. Sacrifice, because me and every man and woman in the world, since they're all terrible, you have to keep going. That's the thing with relationships, like, just because one relationship does not work out, it doesn't mean you'll never have a close friend again. Or you'll never have another partner, or you'll never have anybody who could be a mother figure. It's like, keep
looking, keep pursuing relationships. And you'll find something I have, you know, I have a client who is super successful. And one of the things we talk about is the time she put into becoming successful, it does not mirror the time you've put into developing personal relationships. And that's why those relationships are not
great, because you've gone to college twice. So you've gone to college for six years, you went K through 12, you still read books, you gotta have a certain amount of credits for your training, you got all this stuff, you haven't read one
relationship book. You haven't read no relationships. But yeah, of course, you're going to be great at this career, your whole life has prepared you for it. There's not a lot of training, we get to communicate in our relationships with people, there's not a lot of training that we get around how to properly apologize, there's not a lot of training we get around how to pick people who can be healthy for us how to reduce our stress, how to, you know, so all of this stuff, we have to learn
and I'm not saying that you you take, you know, 16 years to learn it the time you invested in your education, but you know, one book at a time, please make it a book that's supportive of your mental health and relationships, you know, one training out of 10 Can we please make it you know, a little can we add take autos, business podcasts out of there and throw
in a little bit of relationship. We have to think about, you know, these other ways that we can impact our life and it's not just oh my gosh, everybody else needs to do this stuff is like, you know what, to some extent, I am in my life too. So that means that I have to handle these relationships and these interactions with people differently. Because let me tell you something. If you don't get better at being in relationships, that's when we experienced the same stuff over
and over. I think there are many times where we haven't learned about the importance of also fostering relationships. And as someone who academically was reared in In, like academia, where it's like publish or perish, get your stuff out
there, you don't want to get intellectually scooped. I find myself being at war with myself when it comes to going too hard in the paint, and also remembering that I have two toddlers and I have a husband and my friends and trying to be more responsive, because I have to work all the time to be like, do I need to take on this task?
Dr. Raquel Martin: But from the outside, there will be many people who will just be like, telling me like, oh, yeah, take on that extra gig, who knows when that other thing will come up again, who knows when you'll get that other opportunity? Who knows when you get to talk to this person again. And I can see how many people struggle with that of understanding the aspect of fostering strong relationships and understanding, not even just relationships with others relationship with
yourself. Because the whole hustle culture, a grind culture, this is the thing that they're looking to prioritize, or career stuff. And there are many times when I want to say yes to something, but I know that it will take me away from fostering my relationships and the way that it needs to be developed, right. And I think that's something that needs to be
focused on more, we do have a million business podcasts. And we do have a million things about, you know, being two times better, but a lot of things that suffer our relationships, my will, I'm not very responsive. I'm terrible at it. We were talking earlier about the fact that like I was traveling twice a month, in addition to everything else, I'm teaching for classes, I'm advising 30 students doing publications, I
have two toddlers and a husband. And I noticed that when I was traveling more than twice a month, my boys were getting cranky. My boys are getting cranky. It was a whole thing. And I had to just realize that like I'm never I, at this point. We can't go over to speaking events a month. Does this thing sometimes. Yes. It's things on one realm of my priorities, like
career, but my other priorities also my family. Right. So I think I think you're I don't think there's enough on that building relationships take time and energy on Oh, my gosh, adult friendships. I mean, I feel like we could do a whole pot on adult friendships, like making new friends as an adult, the amount of time that it requires to really nurture those relationships. I was thinking this morning that I needed to text someone. I think we went to lunch maybe once last
year. Yeah. And it's like, it's there. The friendship is like, there's a lot of potential, but it's like, we don't have the time to really build it. I think of you know, the friends I've let I've met in the last, you know, seven or so years, it's like, that time that you need to put into like, Okay, does this person actually watch reality TV? Like, is this a good person
to invite over? Like, do they like to be outdoorsy? Like, you're still figuring these things out, in conjunction with working parenting, partnering all your old friends, your family, oh, my gosh, my grandma's sick, it's like it can be, you know, a lot, even though it's really necessary. So with all of that in mind, we have to prioritize who's important, and what's important. And sometimes, we're not doing that. We're just like, I'm gonna do all the things. I'm gonna be all the
relationships. I can't be a good friend to everyone. I can't Yeah, Dr. Raquel Martin: oh, my gosh, listen, okay. Yes. Say it again. I cannot be a good friend to everyone. Because, you know, I have always been small amount of a friends kind of person, because it's like, I actually want to send you something for your birthday, if I had 100 friends. I can't send everybody everything for a birthday. Or remember, you're not gonna remember, even if I'm not sending you anything, I want
to remember your birthday. I want to say, you know, if you have something I want to be able to try to calm and you know, the more people we add to that, the less we can show up in these relationships in a really meaningful way. It turns into I don't know if you remember that movie, but 2027 dresses, which shows you running from wedding to wedding herself Dr. Raquel Martin: the entire time. Yeah, she was always the
maid of honor. It was a lot. I don't think people I feel like it's important to address that and understand that because I too, have always kept my circle pretty small part of it. It was also I'm from Philly, and like, trust wise. We just not east coasters. Not the best at that time. So like I've always like kept my circle kind of smaller, because I'm blessed with having just amazing friends. But I don't think people realize the same way. I was telling my students the other day, I'm an
advisor, and they were like, Oh, you're a good advisor. I said, I'm a terrible advisor. I'm actually not a good advisor. You guys deserve way more of me than you get that is not it's not because of you. It's because like I'm teaching for classes, and it's also incredibly difficult to teach these classes as Well as advised 30 students, so I'm like, You guys think I'm a good advisor because I'm a good person, and you love taking
my courses, but I am not a good advisor. I'm not. And I'm okay with saying no, the responsibilities placed on me as a professor, honestly, do not provide me the opportunity to be a good advisor. It's not gonna happen, right? Adequate when you guys come into my office, but I was like, I'm not a good advisor. And it's okay for you guys to acknowledge that. Yeah, there are times when I could be more responsive, and you wish you could reach out to me better. I said, You guys just
happen to like me. So you're gonna say I'm good at everything. But I'm not a good advisor. That's just what it is. It's easy to be bad. For me, it's easy for me to be an adequate or bad friend. It takes time for me to be a good person to a good friend for me to be present during conversations for me to check in. During that time that I know you were up for that promotion, and you were worried about it checking in to see how
the interview went. That takes time. And when people I've met heard someone stating that someone said, like, you know, why do people who are married state that like, oh, you know, marriage is work. And I think it's because marriage is not only relationship, most of the time where people are more comfortable talking about the work that went into it. They don't talk about the work that goes into friendships, they don't talk about how it's hard to make friends, when you get
older, and how your friends may change. They don't talk about how it's a bit easier to be a bad friend, how that may make someone feel. And even like transitioning out of friends. Like that's not really discussed. But I've always felt that like, it's easy to be bad to forget to call. It's hard for me to remember like, okay, sorry, I have 500 friends, and
then 300 have kids, but then I forgot to go to this birthday. I don't know if this person is going through a change in their life regarding their partnerships with other people, this person had a promotion, I've always felt better having a smaller circle because I like to be present with people. And the greater my circle is the less likely I'm able to do that. People feel some kind of way. A lot of times the people who have been here longer feel some kind of way like I'm here since you
were eighth grade. What you mean this person you just met you went today thing? They brunch, and I wanted you to come to the birthday party? Well, they asked me first, well, you got too many people asking you stuff, agree our friends could be really helpful and just not have any brunches. You know, to help me out, just don't celebrate your birthday. Just stop doing that. Dr. Raquel Martin: I can't bring my kids or you say I can't bring
my kids. And I'm like, That's what you think. First of all, no, I can't stop. So they're not gonna let you relax? Yes. Even she is will not let you relax. You know, I had a friend over Sunday, and I had a talk with my kids before my friend came because she was bringing her three kids, I said, Hey, while those kids are here, I have natural playmate. Don't talk, go pick out some stuff to do. If you come talk to me too
much, I'm going to ask them to leave. Like just go, because your presence isn't enough for my kids, because they're still asking me to play Nintendo. You're here to entertain them. So be entertained by your company. And I will enjoy my guess my kids actually, they did a very good job. I was quite impressed. It was like, Oh, my gosh, I don't know if I don't know what it was. But I also removed myself from their presence, which is something I typically don't do. I went and I
sat in the basement and it was lovely. There was no because a lot of it is just like, I just want to know that you're around, I just want to keep connecting with you. Even though you know, my people are here, I just want to come and get a hug. And I just want to come in, you know, do all these other things. And it's like, I just want to talk to this adult about non kid things. And you know, all these memes. We've been seeing all of this celebrity stuff. Like we just want to have a conversation
that's between us. So you know, I think that parenting adds another layer, but I will tell you, I love having friends who do not have kids. I have quite a few of them. And I know for some folks, it's like, oh, you can't be friends with people who are not married. You can't be friends with Oh, that's not me at all. Bad friends are a variety bunch. Because I want to hear about your days. I love to hear about your single life. Oh my gosh, your house is so clean. I will tell my kids I have one
friend in particular. They're like we've never been over her house and you won't go and you won't. Because her house is so nice and keep it free. You never have to go at her house and be running. You're not gonna kick your feet up on her little nice sofa. No, she doesn't have kids and you will not be the kid there. We are not even going to have her so they went when they were babies they don't remember but I'm like you will not be
back. They don't even remember there was like you were breastfeeding you definitely not remember but that's when I had to Dr. Raquel Martin: train you chained you you had to be with my body. But now I'm not going to tell you not to touch touch her mass that she Yeah, while she was traveling, Dr. Raquel Martin: I'm not doing that. Yeah, one of my very best friends Cassie, she's single, she doesn't have any children. I just she stay traveling and I just love it. Every time I legit
be like, are you in town this weekend? She'd be like, No, I'm like, where are you? And where are you at this weekend Dr. Raquel Martin: or what she's doing? And I was like, I love it. And even with the stuff where people like, oh, you can bring, you can bring your children know it when I go to stuff. And they're like, Where are the boys at home? What they did or what their grandparents? Why didn't you bring them because I didn't want to the people think the untouched out
is solely like the aspect of physically being touched. But it's also the mental responsibility of like, having to you know what know what my child is doing. Even when I walk into the house, I have this terrible habit. It's not terrible. I have this habit of sitting in my car for a minute before I walk into the house. Because as soon as I walk into the house, there is that mental responsibility. And that causes
a bit of fatigue for me. So when I'm spending time with my friends, and like they don't have their children, or even if they do have their children, and I don't bring them with me, I'll be like, I want us to just enjoy you guys. Like if you need help with your kiddos is different. I went to a museum this weekend and they expected me to bring the boys and I'm gonna bring in these boys to a museum. We just left basketball practice. I can't afford this. You know, they were like you left them.
Yeah, cuz I wanted to hang out with y'all. I didn't want the mental responsibility because my presence mentally I can't be fully present when my children are there. And it's not possible to because they're I need to know. What was that? Sam? What was that? You know? Like, what? Making sure they're okay. Did they eat something? Did they mess up something? I prefer to if I know that it's a family event and I'm bringing my kiddos
I prepare my brain that way. Right? I'm not going to be as present but if I know it's just me and my friends and I don't have the kids with me. I there's just a release wealth, where I'm able to be more present. I'm not able to be as fully present when I'm with my unless my mom's around when my mom's around. I don't even have to be up here. It's so amazing. I'd be like, aren't you gonna get your grandchild? Not much. I'm not saying can you get my child? Aren't you gonna get your
grandchild? Ma'am? Be a grandparent what you're doing and why are you? I know you're not eating a meal? Isn't your lunch break? Kids you know, but like, I don't think people grasp that. Yeah, the mental low like, Oh, you're you can bring the kids I did not. Let's have a party or party too much because I have to get up in the morning with those kids. Oh, that sounds like light. Let's very lightly do something. It might not even be party we may just need to drink some sparkling water.
Dr. Raquel Martin: Even like and you know, what's crazy to me party is I was able to listen to an explicit song. Oh, I was able to eat my food hot. I was able to be just because especially when they're with my family members, I was able to unplug from my phone. Because I didn't even listen. I don't even think about drink. I don't get to listen, drink, eat my food hot. I don't get to listen to like most of the music I listen to. Sometimes they have a cuss word or to my book when I'm listening
to her on my feet. My kids are Anita Baker, all old school they know Stevie Wonder or you know, bluee soundtrack. I don't want to waste my time. Oh, you know what, actually when it comes on the shuffle, cool. But most of the time we're listening to the most random stuff. My my I would say we have very eclectic tastes. My kids are in like a rock theme right now. We're listening to feel good and corporate gorillas really big fan of gorillas. Apparently. There's like the Spider Man
theme song. There's also like, they really liked the Power Rangers. Song. I don't know what they're gonna do when they realized this actual show. So we have a family fun playlists and everyone in my home, you know, we get to add to the playlist and it's, some of it is you know, to 1000s Hip Hop r&b, but it's the clean version.
Right? So there's lots of Ciara, missy, there is some Bob Marley on there there's also some Post Malone and Katy Perry so it's a it's an assortment and so it gives my kids the opportunity to be aware of all of the wonders of Rihanna and also you know, some of the new stuff like yeah, Cory LeBron or is Saturday oh my
gosh, whatever. Cory whoever Yeah, Cory gray. And listen to you know, first class like you know, all of this stuff like you should know Fergie, you should also know Miss thing you should know a little bit of prance but it's, you know, it's the cleaned up version. So I do look for you know, things that we can listen to together. But I will say like when I get in my car, I'll turn on my music and my kids are like, can you turn on family?
Oh, my plan is Dr. Raquel Martin: every time and I'm like, if you do not allow me to listen to El DeBarge and peace. Dr. Raquel Martin: All I want and you know what, I think we need to do a better job of looking For the other music because sometimes I just don't even you just you ever hear a song, and you didn't realize there was a customer name and it
has happened most of my life. And I literally be like, Alright, well let's just go is called Russell's playlist I need to say Russell and Jaden, because it's two of them now, but like, sometimes I just be like, Man, I don't like those surprises. Like I didn't. I had an unfiltered childhood. Like, I could listen to whatever I wanted to, I could watch whatever I wanted to. I remember being in elementary school and listening to Snoop Doggy style, like, for whatever I wanted to girl there, like I
listened to whatever I wanted to. And so my idea of what is inappropriate? I don't remember things is inappropriate, right? And so I may play a song and I'm like, Oh my gosh. No, because they say the same song I was listening to this one, Josie was saying, oh my gosh, I never noticed that. Snoopy Dr. Raquel Martin: my soul, like our music was very so my mom,
which is crazy, she did not. It's crazy, because like the way she listens to music, we weren't allowed to listen to the, we must at a rate we listened to the radio, but not like hip hop as much, which is insane. Because my mom was a huge hip hop, it was old school hip hop, we couldn't listen to like current stuff. I could probably tell you the temptations album, every single one front to back like she was very specific about that. But books actually, I actually I could read whatever I
wanted. And I remember having a conversation with a colleague about like a book list recommendation list and they asked about the age because like young adult books and stuff like that and I was like I actually struggle with that because you know, read in Toni Morrison and Zora Neale Hurston and like all the you know, like Octavia, but like way younger, actually don't do well with like, Oh, these themes are kind of more mature, because my books weren't like that, like we could read up on
it. So I struggle with that. Like, oh, maybe maybe this is a little too mature. And I'm like, I couldn't tell you because I was I remember we I remember being young reading some of these books and being like, Oh, you mean you don't think that's appropriate for a 12? Yeah, I read that. I think when you know, as a therapist, you're more
aware of how people were impacted by these things. Like I have a lot of a lot of clients and myself, who grew up without those filters, and it stripped you of childhood, quite honestly, because there is no play, there is no fun, all of that stuff, because you're like, pushed into adulthood, like you know, all of these things now, so Power Rangers is no longer going to appeal to you. It's like, I'm not watching Power Rangers. I'm not watching because now I have this broader
scope of now these other things happen in the world. So these, you know, childlike things are not even appealing to me. So having, you know, myself and my clients go back and sort of consider like, what is age appropriate. You know, if I give them an exercise of go to target, and look at Barbies, like you don't even think about it, but Barbies have an age. Dr. Raquel Martin: They do I've actually never liked Barbies. They always bored me. Um, be honest with you, the only and
like, a lot of stuff bored me as a child. I really only really liked books and puzzles. A lot of stuff bored me like TV honestly bored me. Like I was like, I wasn't entertaining for me TV guy, relish Love TV, like, watch it all day. And at ethic. I created Pinterest before Pinterest was Pinterest. Like, I used to put outfits out of magazines and like paste them to this thing. And I had like a whole little Flipboard I guess that was my version of
Pinterest. So I could do that all day and watch TV like, all day, like I would be like do we have to leave the house because at five o'clock, such and such as coming? And I like to be back home. Dr. Raquel Martin: Nobody had a recorder. You know, I'm saying like you had to physically present to actually why we only have like one floor model TV that maybe it worked. And plus we didn't you know, I think this was definitely before cable, but
there was like never anything on. And I just remember TV never really holding my attention. I think part of it was also representation thing. But like books, it held my attention more but to the point where I got in trouble for that. I remember we I was on a choir and we were at a we're at a performance. And we were on stage. And I was reading now. Just to clarify. Yeah, we
were not physically performing. Okay, we were on stage but the other kids were in front of us. And I was reading a book because we were sitting down we had finished our part and my mom came up to the inner came up after the image intermission and said Give it to me. Give me the book. And I was like what's the big deal like they not even We weren't even singing. She said you're on stage reading a book where you're supposed to be paying attention. And I'm like, we seem to be at an impasse
here. Of course that gave her the book. But like, I think the themes of the more mature thing is really important because one of the like, even with toys when I give my boys toys, we try to do like the more imaginative play stuff, having to explain to my son that something doesn't require batteries. Like one birthday, I was like, you know, put on the invitation like we you know, we really appreciate calls, but if you give gifts, we actually prefer gifts. They don't require batteries, right?
And my son was like, what? This doesn't do anything. And I'm like, what she says, Where did the batteries go? And I'm like I said, the corniest thing. My husband to this day looked at me crazy. I said, the batteries are never out on your imagination. Oh my gosh. Should be a slogan. Dr. Raquel Martin: My husband looked at me like, Yo, that should be a slogan. In a toy store. I can see. No, I meant absolutely corny, but also a great marketing slogan. Bad imagination. That was very black mom of us.
Dr. Raquel Martin: That's why he looks sometimes we've been together for a minute sometimes. He'd be like, Wow, you are a mom. You know? I'm hungry. You better hungry. Yeah. But to be it, you know? On your feet. Yeah. If Dr. Raquel Martin: you can just call me Hi. said if you can. Hon, you can hear come down. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Because they need imaginative play like as, like as mental professionals. We know they need imaginative play that helps with their critical
thinking that helps with their problem solving. Like, a lot of the guesswork is the same thing with like, overly adult themes. Like that leads to another question and stuff can't hold your attention. Children need imaginative play, they need the guesswork of what am I going to do next? Oh, is this like a Lego? Or is it a spaceship? Like they need that everything
doesn't require a battery in the first place. And even with the stuff with like screens, like I'm not gonna be a person who doesn't say screens, but I feel like you can use screens to your advantage and be reasonable with it. But I think one of the issues is that like, you know, when stuff has batteries like you it takes out your imagination. It's like when I read a book, and then I see the film. The characters don't look the way I thought they look. I created pictures of what they
looked like. And now they'll never look like those characters again for me, right? Like read Harry Potter. Now when I think of Harry Potter, it's clearly I forget the characters. I forget the actor's name, but that's what he looks like. But that's not who he looked like to me. Right? Kids need imaginative play. They need imaginative play. They need stuff. What are batteries, they need appropriate, like age appropriate stuff? Because it's not even just for them. It's for
you. You're not ready to answer these adults. You need imaginative play. Yeah. Dr. Raquel Martin: Some of the guesswork is taken out from our stuff, and we need it desperately. Yeah, adults need it as well. You know, I think adults can significantly benefit from being more childlike. Oh, yeah. And so many ways. And I think having that imaginative play, you know, being really connected in our friendships, getting lost
in an activity that's not productive. Maybe watching some mindless TV, you know, Dr. Raquel Martin: and just enjoying it and the moment all of the you know, I like to teach my kids off so a sunset a daffodil and a grass, a bird flying by like, oh my gosh, look at that butterfly like I am. I'm like, Oh my gosh, that flower wasn't there yesterday is here today. So even on like these things, we sort of forget because, you know, walking with a Kia can kind of be like walking with a dog because they
will just stop and be like, what is that? You're like, okay, come on, come on, we got to walk down the street. And it's like, they are really into this Dandeli. Here we are just casually cutting them treating them always nothing. But to some of us is a flower and a very beautiful one. I Dr. Raquel Martin: didn't know it was a weed until I got older. Hey, mom kept all of those weeds that I gave her when I walked outside. Put them in that cup. Yep. And cherish them. I didn't
know. Yeah, literally did not know they were weeds. And I'm like my mom. Well, my mom put those on the table like they were flowers she loved and we miss a lot of stuff, right? Like, because children's their priorities are going to be like fun and stuff like that and slowing down. That's not really our priorities, right? That's why a lot of times when parents are trying to do the hustle and bustle myself included, our priorities are not going to align right like of course,
they're gonna want to take more time. One of the ways I helped out with that was like my son wants to he wants to play for at least 10 minutes before he leaves the house for school. So I wake them up 30 minutes earlier. I just wake them up earlier like you're in a way better mood and I think your teachers deserve a less cranky student. So I'm just waking up earlier. Does he notice it? Not really. He notices that he gets
to play for extra 10 minutes now. He notices that but like I think that we could and not even just the aspect I think we don't have enough creativity in our lives as adult. I feel like there's always a thought process of like monetizing it I crochet, and I crochet like blankets and stuff. And I remember giving them to family members and people being like, Oh, you can sell this? No, I don't want to sell this. They're
lengthwise on it. Yes, I Dr. Raquel Martin: just like making this I like being able to like put the time and energy knowing that you're gonna give this to your child. I like making it I like picking up the yarn. I like just the creativity with it. Everything doesn't have to be monetized like that. I taught myself it. Like, you know, I think this whole aspect we lose that. Like there's
always some thought process of what was the productivity? The productivity was, I enjoyed it. You're a lot better when you made me feel better joy. It made me feel better. Yeah. Right. Like, just think, I think, yeah, you're right. Adults need more imaginative play, that's gonna be your homework, I might just start doing homework. This is your find something that you just never just find something fun. I want to get into tufting
with rugby. Because that looks fun. Just something creative. I found that like most of my stuff that gives me joy has to be opposite of like, my work stuff, like my work stuff, like you know, is gray. People are gray. That's just what it is. Like, there's no black and white answer when it comes to therapy or mental health. Most of the stuff that I enjoy the most are like pretty, like there's a right answer and a wrong answer.
Because I don't get that in my every day. So like if I'm crocheting, oh, that knot was wrong, I take it out and I fix it. I don't have to know about the thought process or the intent behind the knot. I don't you know, like, I don't have to delve into the perspective, if I crochet that wrong is yarn, pull the knot out and do it versus work is like, well, you know, let's look at the perspectives. Let's zoom out a little bit. Maybe we need to zoom in, maybe we need to slow down like it's
very gray. Most of the stuff I like is more like cut and dry. Because my work will never reside there. Like ever. I work with people. People aren't robots. Who never got to know. Yeah, that's awesome. I definitely I feel like it could be a whole show about friendships, especially aging out of friendships, because I know a lot of my patients are dealing with that right now actually.
Aging now. Yeah, transitioning Dr. Raquel Martin: out of certain relationships and realizing that, like, the nostalgia is not enough to maintain the relationship anymore. Like they tried, and it's just not working. Yeah, it's sad, you know, and I don't think we need to end those, I think we can reduce them in many cases. Because I have found that there are points in life where we may want to
return to things. And so if we're like elimination, we have to have done, annihilate, you know, it's like, well, that, that doesn't leave room for when that many mutual friends grandfather gets sick. And for you all to come back together. Yeah. So it's not that you don't need to have the relationship at all. It's just less like, Dr. Raquel Martin: it's yeah, it's something different.
It's evolved into a, you know, yearly connection. I think, what can be strangers, when both one person is trying to have the relationship remain what it has always been, or even to increase it and you're not in that same space? Dr. Raquel Martin: You Yeah. And then at that point, what happens on the next step where somebody wants more that you can give, and you're, and you have to you and you kind of just have to see if they're okay with that some people may be okay with that.
They may be like, Okay, I understand her, it's evolved a little bit. And I understand that, and this, we're just going to keep a relationship, we're going to change the relationship with that realm. And some people may not and be like, No, I want more. And I mean, that's, you know, that that may be something that has to be dealt with as well. But I appreciate that, because I think it does, some things just evolve. Well, and you wanting more doesn't mean that the other
person wants more. And it's two people in a relationship. And so you wanting more is really good. And if this other person agrees to it, then you all can have more, and if the other person disagrees, then you can't have more in the relationship. And that's really tough. So I want more doesn't actually mean anything until you have a partner in the relationship saying I do as well. Dr. Raquel Martin: Yeah. I love that. Well, Nigel, thank you so
much for coming on the podcast, you're everywhere. So tell people where they can find you. I'm sure everybody knows where to find you. But tell them where they can find you as well on the interwebs as well as if you have any upcoming projects as well. Yes. Why to have a podcast called you need to hear this. So please check out my podcast I have books set boundaries, find peace, drama free. Both of those books have workbooks that
accompany them. And if you want to find out more about me, you can go to my website which is natural to y dot com I promise if you put it natural to wild is gonna pop up it's not that many of us so you don't have to do to guess where you're going is it two ways two W's two B's just put it in Nadra how pop up Dr. Raquel Martin: oh and I would also add you also have the set boundaries deck as well I have the deck also have a calendar which I look at every
day on my work desk. It's just sitting here I have a boundaries calendar, the 2025 one will be available at the end of the year the 2024 one is no longer available, but for next year, please get ahead and pre order it is wonderful. This desk calendar is like me screaming at me. Oh my gosh. Sometimes I just
want to turn it face down. I'm like what? Oh, you're checking yourself checking myself and don't like Dr. Raquel Martin: and I really I really liked the deck too because one you have scenarios and there's different scenarios for each card you have like boundary basics and scenario cards and strategy cat cards and conversation cards and I feel like it's a nice it's a nice tool as well yes and for all for all the therapists listening there is a
boundaries flip chart that you can use with your clients, which is a really helpful tool for helping them identify their boundary issues with your assistance so all the boundaries I love it well Dr. Raquel Martin: thank you so much for coming on the show I greatly appreciate it you guys check out the everywhere I'm not
check out the everywhere. Everyone all of Nedra Glover to watch information will also be in the show notes and enjoy the rest of your day, your evening your week and please remember to be kind to yourself. All so wonderful.