“Happy Mother’s Day to everyone! I don’t want to see any more pictures of your mom!” – Andrew Please take this survey so we can help create the best Patreon possible! A Chicago bar stole our logo for their Millennial trivia night, so we’re giving away a free month of Patreon to Surprise Bitch! callers who prove their #lit knowledge. Apple hasn’t come out with a GrayKey condom to protect your phone from law enforcement (yet), but a new patch coming in iOS 11.4 will render the lightening port usea...
May 15, 2018•1 hr 12 min
#Millennial is back for another packed episode, and Hawaii is turning into Mount Doom! Is Roe vs. Wade in trouble, and is the anti-choice argument really about the sanctity of life? (Spoiler: Nope.) Love at first poke: Facebook is trying to clean up its #fakenews image and starting its own online dating platform. Californians will have to make a tough choice: avocados or solar panels - can’t have both! Kanye is doing the lord’s work by diluting centuries of suffering into a simple “choice.” “I s...
May 08, 2018•1 hr 18 min
North and South Korea: are they or aren’t they? Speaking of couples who deserve each other, T-Mobile and Sprint are creating one network to rule them all (with shitty reception). Michelle Wolf was savage at the White House Correspondents’ dinner, and we. are. here. for. it. Democrats, Republicans, and the media alike were butt hurt to have the first amendment take priority over their evening of self-aggrandizing and schmoozing. Got an annoying friend who can’t shut up about their genealogy resul...
May 01, 2018•1 hr 9 min
Uncle Andrew lets us peek behind the curtain of MuggleCast headquarters. Let's play a LoveGame, a LoveGame: Laura battles to the death to retain her BFF status, and things get heated. America's Dad is going to prison and we try to figure out what makes this case different from the many others like it. The first successful male genital transplant gives Andrew #hope. This email will self-destruct in 10 minutes. Surprise, bitch! welcomes our new favorite Canuk to the show, who graciously explains t...
Apr 27, 2018•1 hr 14 min
Is there even a 1% chance our boyfriends think we have a pee tape? Find out live, just like we do. This message brought to you by grad school: fuckin everyone over, one podcast at a time. We dig into an explosive news week with a discussion -- and a game -- surrounding the latest Trump/Cohen/Stormy drama. We even stuff our mouths with marbles. A new device allows law enforcement to break into our phones and new credit card terms allow us to save some trees. A listener seeks our sage life advice....
Apr 17, 2018•1 hr 19 min
Laura introduces us to her slampiece and Andrew is erect. The Number takes on a decidedly ominous tone. Hawaii puts itself on the short list of states that allow medically assisted suicide. There are worse ways to go. A Chicago suburb bans assault weapons and we... aren't sure WHAT to feel. YouTubers learn that defining "controversial" isn't as easy as looking it up in Webster's. A very special edition of the Newlywed Game takes us up close and personal with Laura & Marc. 4ever. In this week's A...
Apr 10, 2018•1 hr 6 min
A warm welcome to Zach, who brings a touch of sincerity and thoughtfulness to the episode. Fuel efficiency standards are being rolled back and we fuckin rampage. Uber fucks up bigly as one of its self-driving cars self-drives its dumb ass into a human being. It's tragic and telling. A fascinating new psychology study concludes that a person's attractiveness determines to what extent they think of society as "fair and just." We ugly. Zach is in it to win it with some much-needed insight into the ...
Apr 03, 2018•1 hr 20 min
A Stormy's comin, 'Arry. And you best be ready when she does. The Journal of Sex Research has released a comprehensive list of reasons (and remedies) for dead bedrooms in long-term relationships. We're fascinated. Cambridge Analytica: What. The fuck. "Surviving middle school is supposed to be metaphorical." March For Our Lives breathes new life into the gun control debate. And no. Knowing CPR won't help. Surprise, bitch! welcomes a fellow marcher to the show. And in this week's After Dark: Laura...
Mar 27, 2018•1 hr 20 min
The new intro is here! RIP Matt, you'll live on in our earbuds. The Stormy Daniels saga is about to be put on steroids by a new interview. From bikes to trains to video games, it's the biggest toy store to ever go out of business! Gee whiz! A big upset in PA has everyone cautiously optimistic. "SIR I THINK I LEFT MY CLAY FACE MASKS IN YOUR CAR!!!" Uber reveals the strangest items ever submitted to their Lost & Found. Surprise, BRANDON. You're not the only one with connections, BRANDON. And in th...
Mar 20, 2018•1 hr 3 min
RIP Andrew. The show assumes its final form as the girls take over. We vouch for the wholesomeness of a long lost host. "North Korea meeting? What North Korea meeting?" -The White House, probably. Martin Shkreli, the asswipe who raised lifesaving medicine prices for sheer, obscene amounts of profit, is going to prison. Sad. A bunch of SYCOPHANTS submitted listener questions and we assign each other dog breeds. #sophisticated And in a special edition of After Dark: OkStupid: The girls introduce y...
Mar 13, 2018•1 hr 11 min
Hidden from the Headlines: a new and troubling trend of governors refusing to hold special elections when they fear their party might be on the losing end. This is NOT what democracy looks like. Alexa users are reporting that the AI will laugh creepily. On her own. Unprompted. HARD FUCKIN PASS. "Family Foundations": they love family so much, they want every child to start their own! Surprise, bitch! confuses a listener at work, and Associate Producer's Choice has us worrying about the Potter fra...
Mar 09, 2018•1 hr 9 min
A tapestry of photographs flash before the screen. The collage ends on a glowing photo of Matt, smiling, looking serene atop a mountain of clouds. We feel his presence even as the picture fades to white. His voice echoes softly: "How's my butthole look in these?" And then he's gone. The last piece of him, a memory only our sleeping eyes can see. Let's talk about sex, baby, let's talk about D and D! President Trump proposes we stop school shootings by arming teachers with guns. We can't afford to...
Feb 27, 2018•1 hr 19 min
Black Panther is a crazy good success story. One might say... almost too successful. It's happening. Slowly, but surely. Mueller's investigation is inching closer to conclusion, starting with the fuckwads who dared to interfere with the oldest constitutional democracy in the world. Another school shooting. Another town devastated. When will we value our children more than our guns? The Parkland shooting survivors aren't waiting for an answer. The great transportation debate: Uber, Lyft, and the ...
Feb 20, 2018•1 hr 12 min
Time for a feel trip. We wish Matt the worst of luck, and hope he falls flat on his face. "LOOK AT ME. I'M THE POACHER NOW." -Lions Omarosa returns to her reality television roots and immediately starts dropping bombs and freaking us the fuck out. We have the best health care in the world, they said. You'll be fine, they said. Health insurance company Aetna gets caught with their pants down. Vote with your wallet. Drink Dunkin'. The Confessional celebrates the freedom to refuse being labeled or ...
Feb 13, 2018•1 hr 8 min
The Eagles win the Superbowl and MLK rolls over in his grave. Memo Schmemo. Who needs the FBI anyway?! Lolz Stop trying to make the Olympics happen. They're not going to happen. The Larry Nassar case gets heated and the #MeToo movement proves itself tragically relevant. Susan B. Anthony's dream is realized with the introduction of Lady Doritos: for the sexy snacker in every woman. Hidden from the Headlines examines how the Environmental Protection Agency is failing to protect the environment. Al...
Feb 06, 2018•1 hr 5 min
Andrew recalls a horrific dream he had recently. ~What does it mean??~ We share our thoughts on Trump's SOTU.. the parts we watched, anyway. Oprah has announced she's not running for President. That's a big win for the Dems. Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of this Damn Series. What the hell is going on with David Yates' latest comments? Mark Salling is dead of an apparent suicide, and some people seem happy about it. Sorrynotsorry that some of us feel sympathy for his family and tragic life. GET. V...
Feb 01, 2018•1 hr 3 min
-The government shitdown unfolds as we speak, and we all pray that pinky promises are legally binding. -An Irish woman finds love in the arms of her new husband: the 300 year old ghost of a Haitian pirate. WTF News is back! -#FakeNews NASA says our solar system contains a mysterious 9th planet... that we just haven't found yet. In related news, science determines all reality is a sham. -Pennsylvania's Supreme Court made big waves when it struck down gerrymandering this week, prompting many in th...
Jan 23, 2018•59 min
-Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream, and we are it. Let's act like it. -MOUNTAINS, GANDALF!!! takes on a decidedly different meaning. -President Trump refers to particular, mostly people of color-populated countries as "shitholes," and the veneer of "this isn't about race" washes straight off. -YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE. HUG YOUR CAT. HIDE YOUR KIDS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. -Apple users have something useful to celebrate for the first time since that Coldplay ad stopped airing. -New Years resolution...
Jan 16, 2018•1 hr 21 min
Welcome back! It's officially season 4. Time to jump the shark and disintegrate into a heap of failure. Highlights from our break include a Rated R coffee mug, a tropical trip from hell, and an acute injury to one of our boyfriends. Merry Christmas. New Year, New Laws: we take a look at some of this weird, but mostly pretty cool, state laws taking effect in 2018. (Suck it up, Oregon.) YOU get a Super PAC! YOU get a Super PAC! YOU… can take a seat. Associate Producer's Choice asks us to dive into...
Jan 09, 2018•1 hr 1 min
-Happy birthday to the heart and soul of this show, our dear Laura. Champion of the downtrodden. Warrior for the underrepresented. Purveyor of the sex. -We finally unwrap our Secret Santas and find out WTF is in Laura's giant box. -Surprise, bitch! takes us to Utah where we creep on a listener who was just creepin' on us. -Associate Producer's Choice asks us to dive into the debate happening now over microtransactions in video games, and whether they constitute gambling. -We look back on 2017 wi...
Dec 19, 2017•1 hr 6 min
-The Force is strong with us as we get hyped THE FUCK UP for Star Wars: The Last Jedi. -Surprise, bitch! takes us to Florida, where grandparents and presidential campaigns go to die. -Transgender military recruits are shown the respect they deserve by our judicial system. -YOU get a cake! YOUUU get a cake! YOU -- maybe don't. -Facebook Messenger for Kidz: For the bad parent in all of us. -WTF News makes a comeback with some unsavory developments out of Canada. -Listener Feedback validates Andrew...
Dec 12, 2017•1 hr 12 min
We kick off with a graphic update on our Thanksgiving sex lives. #blessed Surprise again, bitch! welcomes back a sly motherfucker who somehow figured out how to con the system. It's beginning to look a lot like a merry Mueller Christmas. Royal wedding bells are a' ringing, and this time, there's interesting social ramifications. SAT question 2017: Smallville is to ___, what Jonestown was to ____. Rutgers University tells everyone to grow a spine because confronting racist family members actually...
Dec 05, 2017•1 hr 9 min
We're back from break and recap our -- Thank God -- smooth Thanksgivings with the family. This discussion prompts some memories of our closeted pasts. Dictionary.com reveals their Word of the Year, and it's a word that isn't in Trump's vocabulary. It looks like we're about to lose Net Neutrality, and we can't understate how bad this is for the future of the internet. Here's some sample language that you can use when writing to the FCC via their website: “I support the current Net Neutrality rule...
Nov 28, 2017•1 hr 6 min
Australians show us how voting is done. Congrats to the LGBTQ community down under! Literal. Fucking. Nazis. show up to protest in favor of a "white Europe" -- 60,000 of them, to be exact, because fuck this whole year. Want to stop your nudes from being posted online? Send 'em to Facebook, who will only post them to their cork board. "Obesity is about to hit you across the face." Too late. One Show to Rule Them All. One Show to Fuck Us. One Show to Bring Them All, and in Your Roku, Depress Us. A...
Nov 15, 2017•59 min
We say goodbye to Kevin Spacey as he says goodbye to his career. The stomach-turning shooting in Texas has us grieving yet again. But we have reason to hope. Popular conservative Twitter accounts, like @Jenna_Abrams, have been outed as #FAKE. They were found to be created by the Russian government -- which isn't, by the way, only targeting conservatives. Papa John's goes apeshit and Amazon apparently doesn't consider the fact Americans have dogs??? Submarine-ing is a thing. A brave listener writ...
Nov 07, 2017•1 hr 18 min
Kevin Spacey fucks up bigly. (Since recording, HOC has now halted production) November 1st: be there, or be stuck with whatever health coverage you currently have. New voicemails prove that regret is a universal feeling. News kicks off with #MuellerMonday and we. are. here for it. Twitter and Facebook announce they'll start labeling political advertisements to help users identify propaganda. Hidden from the Headlines: Nestle is IN YA NEIGHBORHOOD ONTARIO. GET 'EM THE FUCK OUT. The Confessional c...
Oct 31, 2017•1 hr 6 min
Andrew goes full fuckin fanboi, Laura signs up for NaNoWriMo, and we all warn against the dangers of cucumbers. PSA: FOOD DOES NOT BELONG IN YA SNATCH Surprise, bitch! takes us to the scorching hellfire that is SoCal. The Distraction Game: a new and twisted kind of "leadership." A new study out of Yale uncovers at least one reason why socially conservative people are conservative - and how it's possible to change their minds. Hidden from the Headlines gets real on the largely unreported truck bo...
Oct 24, 2017•1 hr 20 min
Take a step back into time in lovely Pennsylvania, where sewing machines and malt shakes still = viable business model. Oh and btw 3 million Americans in Puerto Rico still don't have power or water. California goes full Captain Planet on puppy mills. STOP USING ANTIBACTERIAL SOAP YOU'RE LITERALLY DESTROYING MODERN MEDICINE How are JFK and spontaneous human combustion related? Find out live, October 26. "Me too." The merits and the caveats. The Confessional asks us how to deal with racist relativ...
Oct 17, 2017•1 hr 13 min
Welcome to a special edition of The LANDY Show. Our other two bitches have lives, and we have podcasts, so who’s the real winner? Rape culture is insidious and present at all levels of of culture. WHO KNEW? (Harvey Weinstein sure did.) Every year is en election year and no one wants the hot potato of bump stocks to land in their hands. Nuclear winter is comin’. Ya know nothin’ Don Foe. Since we can’t take care of our own citizens, Elon Musk is coming to the rescue with a proposal to rebuild Puer...
Oct 11, 2017•1 hr 4 min
Our hearts ache for Las Vegas right now. And we would send them our thoughts and prayers, but thoughts and prayers are worth approximately nothing. We need gun control. Now. Help us, Justice Kennedy-- you're our only hope. The Supreme Court just heard oral arguments in a historic gerrymandering case and there seems to be room for optimism. Is it possible for a show to have too many Trump jokes? The return of Will & Grace answers that question. As well as the hopes of dreams of 90s gay kids every...
Oct 04, 2017•1 hr 1 min
