Start Me Up Mick pressed the dreaded button and braced himself. What delights would his beloved PC hold in store for him today? A prompt to install Service Pack 21? An invitation to upgrade to Media Player 49? A reminder that his yearly anti-virus subscription would expire in 11 months’ time? He knew the routine well by now for, regardless of program, the procedure was always the same: Install? OK – Leave for later. Leave for later. Leave for later? Yes – No. Yes. Yes, install or Yes, leave for ...
Dec 09, 2011•2 min
(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction Our guarantee to you: Here at Mikiatures.com we strive – or struggle, rather – to make your experience an enjoyable one; or, at the very least, a tolerable one. Each and every Mikiature is initially assessed according to five key criteria: readability, suitability, recordability, fillability and, last but not least, mickability. If successful (i.e. if it meets at least one of the aforementioned criteria), the Mikiature undergoes further exhaustive quality control ch...
Dec 08, 2011•1 min
Life On Mars ‘OK, let’s warm up with some simple questions. What's your favourite month, Jon?’ ‘My favourite month?’ ‘Yes, your favourite month.’ ‘Owgost. Is easy!’ ‘Owgost?’ ‘Yes, Owgost.’ ‘When's Owgost, Jon?’ ‘When is Owgost?’ ‘Yes. When's Owgost?’ ‘After Julie.’ ‘Julie?’ ‘Yes, Julie.’ ‘And when's Julie?’ ‘When is Julie?’ ‘Yes. When's Julie?’ ‘You no know?’ ‘No, I no know. Er, don't know, sorry.’ ‘After Junie.’ ‘Junie?’ ‘Yes, Junie. After May, no?’ ‘OK, thanks, Jon. Er, all right, can everyon...
Dec 08, 2011•2 min
Food For Thought ‘Bread, butter, cheese . . .’ It was a depressing list. ‘Buns, biscuits, cakes . . .’ Then again, all of Mick’s lists were depressing these days. ‘Beer, brandy, chocolate . . .’ Why did all the good things in life begin with B or C? And, more to the point, why were all the “good things in life” bad for the body, a burden to burn off and crammed with cholesterol-enhancing calories? ‘Burgers, bacon, chorizo . . .’ Summer was approaching fast, and the daily beach inspections were j...
Dec 08, 2011•1 min
Taxman ‘Hello?’ ‘Hello. Could I speak to your mother or father, please?’ ‘Did you want my mother or my father?’ ‘Either, please.’ ‘Well, they live in England. And they don’t speak Spanish. How good is your English?’ ‘Oh, er, I think—’ ‘Who did you want to talk to?’ ‘Er, Mr. Michael Crunch?’ ‘Yes, that’s me.’ ‘Oh, I’m sorry.’ ‘That’s alright. Lots of people say I don’t sound my age. I’m twenty-one, by the way. Anyway, what can I do you for?’ ‘Well, I'm ringing from Shitty Bank, and we notice that...
Dec 08, 2011•1 min
You’ve Got A Friend ‘It says here, “Brian and Sue are now friends”.’ ‘Did they have a bust-up?’ ‘Not to my knowledge.’ ‘So, what’s it to you?’ ‘Nothing. It’s just they’re not friends. They’re brother and sister.’ ‘Makes sense. Brothers and sisters are like that, you know.’ ‘I suppose you’re right.’ ‘Of course I’m right. Anyway, don’t you think you’re taking this Facebook lark a bit too seriously?’ ‘You bet I am! Do you remember that interview I went for the other day?’ ‘No.’ ‘Do you know the fir...
Dec 08, 2011•1 min
Beaches Of Cheyenne ‘There was this bloke, right? And he–’ ‘You can't start stories like that, Mummy.’ ‘Why not, dear?’ ‘All stories begin, "Once upon a time".’ ‘Bollocks they do.’ ‘What's "bollocks", Mummy?’ ‘Sorry, dear, I was talking to myself.’ ‘Do you often talk to yourself, Mummy?’ ‘All the time.’ ‘Daddy's stories are crap.’ ‘That's not a nice word, dear.’ ‘Daddy said people crap all the time.’ ‘Never mind what Daddy said.’ ‘Has Daddy got bollocks, Mummy?’ ‘Yes, dear, but I don't like you ...
Dec 08, 2011•1 min
Da, Da, Da Driving disastrously down Drizzly Descent during Denmark’s depression, Dreamy Dave deemed “dem d-words” decidedly demoralising: dum d-words -> damn, dank, dark, dearth, death, debt, den, die, dim, dirt, don’t, doom, dope, doubt, down, drab, dread, dregs, drink, drone, droop, drop, drown, drugs, dull, dumb, dump, Dan, Darth, Dick! dum-da d-words -> damage, danger, darkness, daunting, D-Day, deadline, deadly, deathbed, deathtrap, deathly, debris, defect, demon, despot, devil, dick...
Dec 08, 2011•3 min
Roll With It ‘Can I take your umbrella, Daddy?’ ‘What happened to yours?’ ‘It’s wet.’ ‘That’s what umbrellas are for. Where are you going?’ ‘Out.’ ‘Yes, I guessed that. But where?’ ‘We don’t know yet.’ ‘And when will you be back?’ ‘About twelve.’ ‘Twelve? But you’ve got school tomorrow!’ ‘That’s why I’m coming home early, Daddy. Can you give me some money, please?’ ‘How much do you need?’ ‘Twenty euros should be enough.’ ‘Are you having dinner with the King?’ ‘No, just a roll.’ ‘In that case you...
Dec 08, 2011•1 min
Gonna Make You An Offer You Can’t Refuse ‘Next, please?’ ‘Er, could I have a lettuce, please?’ ‘Red or green?’ ‘Haven’t you got any blue ones?’ ‘Blue? Sorry, mate, just red or green.’ ‘I’m just kidding. I’ve never heard of a red lettuce. Can I have a look, please?’ ‘Sure. Here you go. Beauty, isn’t she?’ ‘Not very red, though, is it? I’d say it’s more of a maroon. Wouldn’t you?’ ‘Also, did you know they’re high on antioxidants?’ ‘You’d better call the police, then.’ ‘You what?’ ‘Nothing. So, are...
Dec 08, 2011•1 min
Ice Cream Man ‘So, what did you have for lunch, Dani?’ ‘A salad and chicken. And chips. And peas. And bread. And ket—’ ‘Yes, OK, very good, Dani. And did you have a dessert?’ ‘Yes. A yoga.’ ‘Yoghourt, Dani. With a T.’ ‘No, tea no. Coffee. With milk.’ ‘A white coffee, Dani. And what flavour was your yoghourt?’ ‘Flavour?’ ‘Lemon? Chocolate? Kiwi? Mango and papaya? Cheese and onion?’ ‘Estramberry.’ ‘STRAWberry, Dani.’ ‘Yes. Estramberry.’ ‘OK, thank you, Dani. Alright, then, let’s move on . . . I wo...
Dec 08, 2011•2 min
Words It all began on Facebook, of course, when a bored young lady challenged her fellow writing friends to come up with a story that was just six words long. Why six? Don’t shoot the messenger! As somebody who until that moment had never written a six-word sentence – let alone a six-word story (what with all those dashes and brackets for irritating yet important afterthoughts) –, Mick’s initial reaction had been to admit defeat gracefully: You win. I lose. So what? Needless to say, however, Mic...
Dec 08, 2011•2 min
Here There And Everywhere There was only one thing that annoyed Mick more than drivers who didn't indicate: drivers who did indicate, but then didn't do what they indicated. As he chugged along behind the clapped-out Renault that had been threatening to turn right into the embankment for the past 500 yards or so, Mick asked himself, What was it with drivers that upset him so? Mick’s students, for instance, invariably promised to hand in their compositions by Friday, but they rarely kept their wo...
Dec 08, 2011•1 min
The Ties That Bind ‘One of my students said she’d never heard of “identifying relative clauses”.’ ‘Oh? Who was that?’ ‘You know, the one who’s going out with the butcher’s assistant.’ ‘You mean the bald bloke who works down at B and M?’ ‘Isn’t that the supermarket where you give classes, Mick?’ ‘No, that’s M and B. B and M is where Jill works.’ ‘Jill?’ ‘Yeah, Jill. You know, the new girl with the big, er . . .’ ‘Big what, Dick?’ ‘Never mind. Did any of you lot see that documentary last night?’ ‘...
Dec 08, 2011•1 min
Nothing But The Same Old Story ‘Once upon a time, there was a ham sandwich. One day he–’ ‘A ham sandwich, Daddy?’ ‘That's right, darling.’ ‘Not a princess?’ ‘No. I'm tired of stories about princesses. Aren't you?’ ‘No.’ ‘Well, anyway, one day the ham sandwich was walk–’ ‘What was his name?’ ‘What was whose name, darling?’ ‘The ham sandwich.’ ‘Is it important?’ ‘Of course it is, Daddy! You’re always saying how lucky you are they didn’t call you Rupert.’ ‘Or Montgomery.’ ‘Well?’ ‘Well what?’ ‘His ...
Dec 08, 2011•2 min
Real Good Looking Boy Mick switched the light on and stood in the doorway, looking at his beautiful little boy. Joe didn’t stir. He slept on; and, most likely, dreamed on, too. Whatever Joe was dreaming about, he was clearly enjoying his time in slumberland. “He’s a good-looking kid – doesn’t take after you at all,” was the general verdict. Mick was perfectly happy to go along with public opinion, even if comments such as “He’s got his great-grandfather’s eyes” were somewhat over the top in his ...
Dec 08, 2011•1 min
Lumberjack Song Diploma in English Language Teaching to Anyone, July 2011 Module One, Paper 1, Task 2 The painful truth is this: regardless of teacher, method, resources or techniques, a good student will always learn and a bad student never will. How do you cope with being a redundant piece of furniture in the classroom? Examiners’ Report Once again, a large percentage of candidates happily admitted that they are “a complete waste of space” and “totally superfluous to the learning process”. Man...
Dec 08, 2011•1 min
What Have I Done To Deserve This? ‘Can I help you?’ ‘No, thanks. I'm just looking.’ ‘What are you looking for?’ ‘Oh, nothing in particular.’ ‘I see.’ ‘You don't mind my looking, do you?’ ‘Feel free.’ ‘Thank you.’ ‘The shirts and tops are here; the shorts and trousers are over there; and the jerseys and jackets are around the corner. Just shout if you need any help.’ ‘Thank you.’ ‘By the way, we’ve got a three-for-two offer on ties and scarves.’ ‘Yes, I saw.’ ‘Miserable weather, eh? Good for busi...
Dec 08, 2011•1 min
Bright Side Of The Road ‘Excuse me? Which way to the university, please?’ ‘On foot or by car?’ ‘By car,’ said Mick, pulling on his handbrake. ‘Which university do you want?’ ‘There’s more than one?!’ Mick feigned surprise even though 25 years of living in the Basque Country had taught him that nothing here was remotely surprising; as illustrated by the fact that, no matter which place you were looking for, there was always at least one other place with the same name. ‘We’ve got three.’ ‘Three?! ...
Dec 08, 2011•1 min
Free Fallin’ ‘What day is it today, anyone?’ ‘Freeday.’ ‘Freeday, Vanesa?’ ‘Yes, Freeday.’ ‘If it's a free day, why are you here?’ ‘Sorry, sorry?’ ‘I said, If it's a free day, why are you here?’ ‘Because we class on Freeday, no?’ ‘FRIday, Vanesa, FRIday.’ ‘Ah, yes.’ ‘Can you say it?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘I’m waiting.’ ‘Waiting?’ ‘Can you say FRIday, Vanesa?’ ‘FRIday.’ ‘Good. What does "FREE day" mean?’ ‘What mean "FREE day"?’ ‘Yes, what mean "FREE day"?’ ‘Today Freeday, no?’ ‘FRIday, Vanesa, FRIday.’ ‘Ah, ye...
Dec 08, 2011•2 min
Go Your Own Way ‘I’ve peeled the potatoes. Shall I put them in the oven?’ ‘What do you think? Do you notice a difference?’ ‘Yes, much better, darling. I said, Shall I put the potatoes in the oven?’ ‘We need to get more bleach. My back’s killing me.’ ‘I thought I could do some red peppers to go with the pork.’ ‘Those tiles up there were filthy. I’ve done what I can, but we can’t go on like this.’ ‘No, we can’t. Why don’t you give it a rest?’ ‘Did you put the potatoes in the oven, darling?’ ‘That’...
Dec 08, 2011•1 min
Just Another Day ‘What time do you get up, Pedro?’ ‘Six past ten.’ ‘Six past ten?’ ‘Yes, six past ten.’ ‘That’s a very exact time.’ ‘Yes.’ ‘So you skip breakfast, do you?’ ‘Sorry?’ ‘You skip breakfast. You don’t have breakfast.’ ‘Yes I have breakfast. Why not?’ ‘It’s rather late for breakfast, isn’t it? Six past ten.’ ‘No, I have time.’ ‘I see. And then you get into a time machine and come to English class?’ ‘Sorry?’ ‘I said, And then you get into a time machine and come to English class.’ ‘No, ...
Dec 08, 2011•2 min
Watching The Detectives ‘So what d’ya reckon, Jenkins?’ ‘Looks stone cold dead to me, Sir.’ ‘Yes, I can see that, Jenkins. I meant, How did he die?’ ‘Well, if you ask me, Sir, I’d say he banged his head on the floor.’ ‘Brilliant, Jenkins. The pool of blood is a bit of a giveaway, isn’t it?’ ‘Yes, I supp—’ ‘How did he end up on the floor, Jenkins? Come on, man, show some nous!’ ‘Some what, Sir?’ ‘Nous, Jenkins. Didn’t they teach you anything at university?’ ‘No, Sir.’ ‘I’m waiting.’ ‘Heart attack...
Dec 06, 2011•1 min
Lift You Up In the year 3030 . . . ‘So, how do these things work, Stan?’ ‘Stand back and I’ll show you. What you do is lift your right foot up like this and put it down here. Got that? Now comes the best bit . . . Without moving your right foot, lift up your other foot – that’s the left one, Les – and put it down here. Like so.’ ‘That’s amazing! You’re higher than me! Can I have a go?’ ‘Sure. I’ll wait for you.’ ‘OK, here goes . . . Hey! That’s brilliant. So, now what?’ ‘We repeat the same steps...
Dec 06, 2011•1 min
Precious Time ‘What are you reading?’ Go away! ‘What are you reading?’ asked Mick’s tormentor, thumping him on the shoulder. Fortunately, he had just put his coffee down. If one thing annoyed Mick, it was not being able to have his breakfast in peace. Just ten minutes a day to himself. Was that such an unreasonable request? Mick turned to face his opponent. A fierce-looking lad armed with fists the size of footballs, Dennis was the sort of guy you wanted on your side in a fight. Well, he looked ...
Dec 06, 2011•1 min
You Know My Name (Look Up The Number) ‘OK, everyone, let’s check your homework.’ ‘Homework?’ ‘Yes, Juan, homework. Did you do it?’ ‘No. I forget.’ ‘Sorry, Juan, no points for honesty.’ ‘Eh?’ ‘Never mind, Juan. OK, what page was it, Ana?’ ‘Eh?’ ‘What page was the homework?’ ‘Hundred seventy-six, no?’ ‘The “hundred” was correct, Ana.’ ‘No was hundred seventy-six?’ ‘A hundred and sixty-seven, Ana.’ ‘I say.’ ‘One six seven, Ana. Not one seven six.’ ‘Yes. I say.’ ‘Well, it doesn’t matter. So, Elena, ...
Dec 06, 2011•2 min
Twist And Shout ‘Once upon a time, there was a really ugly princess who lived in a—’ ‘Don’t you mean beautiful princess, Mummy?’ ‘No, darling, this one was ugly.’ ‘In Daddy’s stories, the princesses are always beautiful.’ ‘Well, I’m not Daddy, am I?’ ‘Daddy is always calling me his little princess. Does that mean he thinks I’m small and ugly?’ ‘Of course not, dear. Now where was I? Ah yes! Once upon a time, there was a really ugly princess who lived in a dirty old apartment in a—’ ‘Don’t you mea...
Dec 06, 2011•1 min
Wasted Time Twenty-two hundred hours. Twenty-one in the Canaries. Mick took a deep breath, said a short prayer and opened the kitchen door. Operation Garbage was underway. Phase One – “The Bin Liners” – was relatively straightforward: 1. Push rubbish down until bin liner straps become visible. 2. Grab liner by aforementioned straps, taking care not to break them in process. 3. Curse all and sundry, place clean liner ‘headfirst’ over broken liner, turn bin on head, and empty contents of old liner...
Dec 06, 2011•2 min
Are We In Trouble Now Upon a time once there was a man poor who had thoughts ordering his problems. More often than not, matter this didn’t. “Eggs, bacon and sausages, please”, “Bacon, sausages and eggs, please”, “Sausages, eggs and bacon, please”, “Please! Where are sodding my bacon, eggs and sausages?” . . . – what make did it difference? The result end was always the same: galore cholesterol. Numbers, however, were the life of his bane. According to his portpass, for example, he was 95 old ye...
Dec 06, 2011•1 min
Everything I Do, I Do It For You ‘What's that bag doing in the hall?’ ‘Nothing, Daddy.’ ‘I mean, Why did you leave it there?’ ‘I had to leave it somewhere, Daddy.’ ‘Is it your gym bag?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘And are the clothes for washing?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘So why don't you put the clothes in the washing basket?’ ‘Because you always do it for me, Daddy.’ ‘Well, I'm not going to do it this time.’ ‘You'll see.’ ‘And what about that rucksack?’ ‘What about it, Daddy?’ ‘Well, can't you take it to your bedroom?’ ‘What for?...
Dec 06, 2011•1 min
