A Friend To Me ‘Hey, listen to this, Fred. It says here, “Marjory has poked you”.’ ‘Oh yeah?’ ‘Yeah. And now it’s asking me, “Would you like to poke her back?” ’ ‘Poke her back? What’s wrong with her front?’ ‘You what?’ ‘Joke. Yeah, go for it. Er, who’s Marjory?’ ‘Oh, just a friend.’ ‘Where did you meet?’ ‘On a forum.’ ‘So, what you’re saying is she’s not really a friend at all, is she?’ ‘Just because we’ve never actually met, that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.’ ‘So, what does this Marjory l...
Dec 06, 2011•1 min
Don’t Look Back In Anger Some bastard had blocked him in again. Naturally, Mick only had himself to blame. When was he going to learn that you should never park in an empty parking space? After all, this was Spain, where double parking was a national pastime; triple parking, however, was positively frowned upon – if only because the buses couldn’t get through. Strictly speaking, he had blocked two of them in – it was always a he – in such a way that it was impossible for either one of them to ba...
Dec 06, 2011•1 min
Ruby Tuesday ‘OK, let’s begin with some easy questions. Er, Maria? What day is it today?’ ‘Thuesday.’ ‘Thuesday?’ ‘Yes, Thuesday.’ ‘Do you mean Tuesday or Thursday, Maria?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Yes, what?’ ‘Yes, please?’ ‘Can anybody help Maria?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Go on then, Pablo.’ ‘What’s the question?’ ‘What day is it today, Pablo?’ ‘Is Thuesday, no?’ ‘That’s what Maria said, Pablo.’ ‘Yes.’ ‘OK, everyone, repeat after me—’ ‘AFTER ME.’ ‘Ha ha ha. Now listen carefully . . . Tuesday. CHOOSEday.’ ‘CHOOSEDAY. CHOOSEDAY...
Dec 06, 2011•2 min
Listen To Me ‘So, how would you like it?’ ‘Just a bit off the sides, please, but quite a lot off the t—’ ‘Good game last night.’ ‘Sorry?’ ‘Good game.’ ‘Was it? Er, just a bit—’ ‘Did you see the penalty?’ ‘No, I missed it.’ ‘So did Lampard. Ha!’ ‘Yes, very fun—’ ‘Do you know how much he earns?’ ‘Sorry?’ ‘I said, Do you know how much Lampard earns?’ ‘More than you and me together, I imagine.’ ‘You can say that again.’ ‘More than you and me to—’ ‘Ninety thousand a day.’ ‘That can’t be right.’ ‘Yeah...
Dec 06, 2011•1 min
Whatever Diploma in English Language Teaching to Anyone, July 2011 Module One, Paper 1, Task 1 “I wanna be eclectic.” (A. Cooper) Nine times out of ten, the teacher who claims to be “eclectic” is nothing more than a lazy sod who can’t be bothered to take an interest in the methodological issues involved. Discuss the above with reference to yourself and your colleagues. Examiners’ Report This question was enormously popular, with candidates letting off steam by bitching about their colleagues beh...
Dec 06, 2011•1 min
Welcome To The Machine Mick put the coin in the slot, made his choice – white, no sugar – and pressed the green button. The machine emitted a few optimistic whirring noises as it ground its imaginary coffee beans . . . and then ground to a halt. Mick pressed the button a second time . . . and a third . . . before writing off his latest donation to Crap Drinks Machines Ltd. ‘Thank you for your visit,’ smiled the machine as Mick thumped it for good measure. How was he going to get through the day ...
Dec 06, 2011•1 min
Father And Son ‘Daddy, you have to give me ninety-seven euros.’ ‘I don't have to give you anything.’ ‘Yes, you do.’ ‘What for?’ ‘Sixty euros for the ticket, seven euros for—’ ‘What ticket?’ ‘For the concert. Social Distension. Don't you remember?’ ‘Are they any good?’ ‘Of course. All my friends are going.’ ‘All five hundred of them? And the tickets cost sixty euros?’ ‘That's a good price, Daddy.’ ‘Where is it?’ ‘Bilbao. That's why you've got to give me seven euros for the bus.’ ‘I don't have to ...
Dec 06, 2011•2 min
Sylvia’s Mother ‘Hello?’ ‘Hello. Is that Señora Avería?’ ‘Speaking.’ ‘Oh, hello, this is Mick Crunch from—’ ‘Nick! Silvia’s told me all about you.’ ‘Yes, I bet she has.’ ‘So, tell me, how’s she doing? Behaving, I hope?’ ‘Well, actually, that’s exactly what I—’ ‘We’re thinking of sending her to England this summer. What do you think?’ ‘Excellent idea. You might even consider sending her this spring.’ ‘What about Ireland?’ ‘The further, the better, as far as I’m concerned. But that’s not what I wa...
Dec 06, 2011•1 min
A Dustland Fairytale ‘Aren’t you going to tell me a story, Daddy?’ ‘OK, just a quick one. Where’s your book?’ ‘Can’t you make one up?’ ‘I thought you said my stories were rubbish?’ ‘Only the bad ones, Daddy. Once upon a time . . .’ ‘Yes, thank you, darling. Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who lived in a beautiful castle in a beautiful wood. One day, she was walking through the wood when she met a prince. They fell in love, got married, had babies and lived happily ever after.’ ‘...
Dec 06, 2011•1 min
Me, Myself, I Learning the English (with Miguel Iglesias) FOR ME no was dificult for to learning the english. Actualy is much people wich always is saying us we must to use the metod "comunicative" but you want that I tell how did I learn your lenguage? I explain all! I did have a big luck whith my teacher who his name was Señor Rivas, man very hard, then we very much frigthen: ‘Repetition! Repetition! Again! Everybody!’ And all we responding: ‘Repetition! Repetition! Again! Everybody!’ Señor Ri...
Dec 06, 2011•1 min
Stuck On You She’d been following him around all day, and it was getting beyond a joke. Mick had first noticed her in the bar as he had breakfast. Had she been on his tail all night? And, more to the point, why him? It wasn’t as if he had the most exciting of lives, spending as he did most of his waking day running up and down corridors and stairs, nipping out for the occasional coffee between classes. Couldn’t she have picked on Dick rather than Mick? To Mick’s knowledge, Darkhorse Dick spent h...
Dec 06, 2011•1 min
I Want It All It was an agonising decision. White coffee and croissant? Or red wine and tapa? The green tea didn’t stand a chance. Alas, Mick’s British upbringing hadn’t prepared him for choices like these; well, not at 11.30 in the morning. But this was sunny Spain, where anything was possible with a little imagination. As the barmaid approached, Mick started to panic. That was when the police arrived. ‘Dos con leche.’ Two white coffees. No need to say ‘please’ or ‘thankyou’. Especially if you ...
Dec 06, 2011•1 min
Oh Darling ‘This aftershave you got me doesn’t half sting!’ ‘Well, I think you smell very nice.’ ‘Sting.’ ‘You’ll live, don’t worry. You’re not going to wear that shirt, are you?’ ‘Why not?’ ‘It makes you look like a grandfather. Here, put this on.’ ‘But I—’ ‘And you’d better change those trousers while you’re at it.’ ‘I thought you liked them?’ ‘I do. But they don’t go with that shirt.’ ‘Er, I’m in a bit of a rush, darling.’ ‘Aren’t we all! That spot’s not getting any better, is it? Did you put...
Dec 06, 2011•2 min
Stop And Stare It wasn’t the easiest manoeuvre in the world, but he had started, so he would finish. After all, just how hard could it be to reverse his tiny little Toyota into that great big space? Mick wound his window down to get a better view of the kerb, only to be greeted by five pairs of beige flannel trousers that had appeared out of nowhere. ‘He’ll never do it.’ ‘Too close.’ ‘Angle’s not right.’ ‘What’s he doing?’ ‘Told you.’ And so on. Haven’t you got anything better to do? Mick asked ...
Dec 06, 2011•1 min
What’s The Matter Here? ‘Have you got a minute, Mick?’ ‘Yes, of course, Ana,’ Mick said, lying through his teeth. Basically, he divided people into two groups: those with time for anything – people like Ana – and those with time for nothing – people like you, me and Mick, right? Mick put down his seven bags of shopping, wiped the sweat from his eyes, straightened his back up, and gave Ana his full undivided attention. Little did it matter that he had left the dinner on, that the ice cream was me...
Nov 29, 2011•1 min
Make Me Smile Once upon a time there was a lovely girl called Isa. When Isa smiled, she was also a beautiful girl but, more importantly, everybody around her smiled too. In fact, it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that the entire happiness of the world depended on Isa’s smiling. Mick was worried, therefore, when Isa walked into class and sat down without so much as a ‘Hello’. He soon saw what the problem was: a great big spot on Isa’s chin. Wishing Isa’s spot a short-lived life, Mick proceede...
Nov 29, 2011•1 min
We Can Work It Out ‘Er, Menu A, please. I’ll have the spring roll, special fried rice and sweet ’n’ sour pork.’ Except Mick ordered in Spanish, of course, because the menu was in Spanish. ‘Gracias.’ This particular restaurant was nearly always empty, and he had never understood how they could stay in business. Perhaps they couldn’t. Whatever, the service was fast and friendly, the food was pretty damned good, and Menu A was the cheapest set menu in town. In fact, the only drawback was that here ...
Nov 29, 2011•1 min
This Is How It Always Starts ‘Just write down the first thing that comes into your head.’ ‘Like what?’ ‘Well, like that, for example.’ ‘What? “Like what?” ’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘Not exactly Shakespeare, is it, Reggie?’ ‘What do you want to write like Shakespeare for?’ ‘I don’t. I want to write like David Foster Wallace.’ ‘Well, there you go, then.’ Writing a story wasn’t nearly as easy as it was cracked up to be. Mick must have written the equivalent of War and Peace ten times over in his head, but the mome...
Nov 29, 2011•1 min
The Masterplan It was a perfect plan; it couldn’t fail: a) He would write non-stop, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, plus b) Everything he posted would take a well-known song for its title, so c) Sooner or later, 10% of all internet users would stumble across mikiatures.com ABC. A Brilliant Conceit! Just think of all that advertising revenue! For it is a well-documented fact that one in ten internet searches is music-related. Of course, only a small fraction of those users would c...
Nov 28, 2011•1 min
