Welcome, brothers, to another episode of the Men's Sexual Mastery Podcast. This is Ben Timby tuning in from Austin, TX. Hey, this is Ian Hawkes tuning in from Kelowna, BC, Canada. We've had the podcast offline for a number of months while Hawks and I have been busy working away creating the new course, which we just finished our first cohort of with three different groups of men couple months ago. And we're just into our second launch, which now is a six month training.
It's an honor to be here with you brother in Stoke, to have you on the podcast in this next launch. Yeah, thank you. It's an honor to be here and and to witness just how ready the world is and just how ready the brothers are that are entering this program and joining us. Now let's dive into today's topic, which is updating our sexual software, which is what's at the core of all of this work.
You know, most of us have inherited unconscious sexual programming, whether this or some school from, you know, our families, from religion. And this work we're doing is bringing a new software update, a new evolution of how we show up as men both in the bedroom and down in the world, which as we talk about all the time, are very connected.
So with that, I'd love to pass it over to you Hawks, and just kick us off and sharing a little bit about how you see this absent father archetype show up in the work. The absent Father archetype is something that is, for many of us at the root of this longing for role models, this longing for connection and brotherhood. And one way to start off addressing the absent father archetype is to speak quite clearly to what does that mean? How does it show up?
And I see a few different aspects of this. There's the physical absent father, someone who quite literally wasn't there. And this could be from an early death or divorce in the family, in a fractured family unit or an abandonment, you know, father who wasn't ready to be a father. And then there's an emotionally absent father, which I think it's also very common. It's a dad who's there physically, but emotionally he's unavailable.
And there's not the opportunity for real affection and validation, which we need as children growing up in order to be really secure in ourselves. And then there's the energetic absence that could show up as a father who hasn't integrated his own masculinity. And this is, this is a big part of the work that we're doing, is integrating these parts of ourselves. Yeah, bro. Well said. I yeah.
I love that you named all those different ways that the absent father has presented itself and all those different levels and physical form, emotional ways, energetic ways. And, you know, what comes up for me is really where are we actually being that in our lives? And that's really where the rubber meets the road. And a lot of this training like this is what we're covering in some of the foundations of reclaiming your throne. We say reclaiming the Kingdom, not being that absent father
who's out on an endless quest. There's also this like Peter Pan archetype where there's just men constantly seeking whether it's a new adventure, it's or it's a new woman or it's more money or like something, anything outside of the present moment, anything outside of what is it's us escaping the moment. And that's the pattern. If we really were to like distill it into how does this show up moment by moment? If we look at things like porn addiction, for instance, why are
we going to porn? It's to check out, you know, it's to numb, it's to become absent because it's too hard to be here now. But when we talk about this in the terms of our personal development and how it shows up in the small, subtle ways, let's say within partnership, which like a feminine partner will be the ultimate mirror, you know, of like us facing our own inner demons, she'll pick up on
everything. And when we just check out of the relationship, which is what often happens, you know, we're going to porn to just offload our energy because it's too hard to actually confront the reality that there's no intimacy in my partnership right now because I've been an absent father. You know, or there isn't a partnership at all. And there's a deep longing for connection.
There's a deep longing for a sense of intimacy, for a sense of connection, and perhaps there's deep resistance or a lack of skill in acquiring a partner who can actually serve to fill that void in a really holistic, sustainable, enriching way. And so there's there's this reaching of porn. I see a lot showing up for many men in actually, I don't have a partnership, but there's this deep desire within me to feel that connection and that level
of intimacy. And you know that we can string this back to the absent father archetype as well. You know, it could be the father who was absent for his wife, for his partner, for the mother of his children, not being there emotionally, energetically or physically in a way that created a role model for children to really understand what it looks like and how to be in a good way in an intimate relationship.
And so if we haven't learned how to do that, then of course, it could be incredibly difficult to actually create that in our own lives. And So what do we do? Where do we, where do we find that? Where do we find that guidance and receive the support that that's really important for us to understand how to draw to us a partner that we can then also show up in a deep sense of connection with? Yeah, yeah, 100%.
And so many of these programs are running unconsciously just like you spoke to. It's like when we didn't have these role models, which to varying capacities, each and every one of us, you know, inherited what we did from our fathers. There's no shame or guilt, you know, to be clear around what's been passed down.
But it is this, this pattern, this program can be running beneath the surface in ways that are sabotaging our relationships, which is what you're speaking to, whether we are in relationship or we're, we're not so. Yeah, yeah. I appreciate you speaking to that. No, no shade on the fathers, on the absent fathers. We've all been that too. I know, I've been that. For sure, we're we're all repeating patterns that we've learned.
And until we're resourced enough to have the tools and the level of consciousness and awareness to rewrite those patterns, they will continue to repeat. And I have deep compassion for for the fathers and forefathers out there who were doing the
best they could. And it's up to us to recognize where there's awareness and where there's now a new level of consciousness and a new access to tools and support where it's OK. The pattern doesn't need to continue repeating because actually we are so resourced in this day and age. And there are so many ways and places that we can go to, to, to receive the role model, to receive the support that that we may not have had. And so I love, you know, I want to actually just shout out the
men in our programs. You know, we have 21 phenomenal men showing up in our cohorts right now. And one of the themes I see across the board is these men are acknowledging the awareness that they have of where they're
not showing up fully. There's a level of awareness of where they may have received some of these patterns, but it's not from the victimhood of I am this way because I didn't have the access to the support that I wanted or would have been important for me growing up. But actually, I'm here to rewrite these patterns. And it's bringing all of that awareness and being willing to step forward and say, like, this
ends here. Yeah. Replacing the absent father archetype with the present father, with the king who has reclaimed his throne coming back into full presence is ultimately what this is all about, which sounds so simple and yet it is so deep. You know all the ways that we often will escape the present moment. And when we talk about bringing it into the bedroom, this is really where we we say how we show up in the world is how we show up in the bedroom.
When we have that muscle, if you want to call it a muscle, that skill developed of being able to breathe, to stay in our body, to stay focused, to not distract ourselves or try to numb out or try to escape the intensity of true intimacy. That's when we really become available actually to those deeper levels of intimacy with other, you know, and especially when we talk about a romantic partner, that is what's at the
core of all of this work. It's tuning into the subtle, slowing down, becoming more present and more present and more present and more present, emerging meditation and all these other practices into this state that we like to call just the higher self. You know, which is like where I'm I'm not in the future, I'm not in the past, I'm not in any state of dis ease. I'm in my center. I'm in the eye of the hurricane. I'm able to find that space and
lead myself. And by doing so, I am leading my partner and she is trusting me and she is being drawn into that masculine king energy. And the the children are looking up to that and my friends and my business partners and everyone just feels this version of me that's like fully here and like fully aligned. Yeah, yeah.
As we, as we witnessed a brother on one of our calls last night, having the experience of that, just being in a, a department store and feeling like, holy, I'm fully here and the world is reflecting that to me. And this is a different experience. And I love what you said, Ben, about the importance of the breath and how that can bring us into our body, especially when we're in that intimate
experience. And something that that's been that's come up many times is the prevalence of shame, the prevalence of a lack of confidence in the bedroom and how that can bring a man out of his body and into his head.
If there's a fear of I'm not going to last long enough, you know, And actually, just to rewind a little bit, another theme of so many of the men, maybe all of the men in our program is the desire to show up in the best way they can in the bedroom and in life, and particularly in the bedroom for their romantic partners. And what's 1 of the big things in the way of that is getting stuck in our head.
And what brings so many men out of their body into the head during lovemaking is the fear of am I showing up in the best way I can for my partner? Is she experiencing pleasure? Is she going to have this wonderful experience that I desire for her to have? And, you know, one of the ways that might show up is a concern of not lasting long enough, you know, and then it's like, oh, don't come, don't come, don't come. And this just like story in the
head of like, oh shit. Like the last three times we had sex, I came way earlier than I wanted to. And now this pattern is going to repeat. And boom, all of a sudden that man is checked out. He's checked out from his partner. He's checked out from his own experience. And he's just in this loop in his head of how do I not do this
thing? And to bring it back to a little bit of the skill development that, you know, it's there's the skill of, if we want to call it that, of being present, how to actually really be present. And then there's also skills that we can develop that allow us to come out of the head and into the body to have that confidence that allows us to really be present and not in the fear or in the anxiety.
And the tools that we have to allow men to work with themselves to develop the awareness, the level of awareness of arousal in their body, the tools to mitigate, to manage to circulate that energy, to then be able to, to know in their own lived experience. Like, oh, I, I got this.
The next time I'm making love with my partner, I know what to do. And it actually all those tools are about and designed to like drop us back into the body, but to do so in a skillful, informed, educated way that allow us to then circulate that energy, last as long as we want and be fully present. And I think there's yeah, just so many different angles that we can come at this from.
But it what it all comes back to is the ability to be present, to not be absent from our partner, from our children, from our
lives, from ourselves. Yeah, and I'm imagining for anyone listening and you know, who is new to this work, if we were to talk about some of these tools and just getting started and how to get out of the loops of the mind, how to catch ourselves when we're we're being pulled out of the moment when our awareness is drifting away from being fully here fully now and making love with life itself, as we say, you know, which then that skill applies directly to our partner.
It's just this honed attention, but with the breath and with these other tools. Would you like to OfferUp just a real basic practice that you could give guys that they could actually take away from this, this podcast? Let's see the first one that pops up specifically when engaging romantically with a partner is often a really difficult one, but it's eye contact.
Eye contact can be confronting can be uncomfortable for for many people who haven't yet developed the comfortability with that or the comfortability with themselves to be really seen because it's a two way St. it's looking out and also allowing in. It's not staring. It's gazing like through a window that is seeing the light that's coming in. And it's also allowing what's inside to be seen. And so that's one tool that that if it's not a regular practice for, for any man in a romantic
relationship, just see. Could I bring my eyes to meet her eyes again and again and again. And if it's just for a couple seconds or a few seconds at the first time and OK, we'll bring it back. And now can I, can I be there a little longer? Can I soften the gaze a little more?
And, and that's a potent tool when we, when we have that unlocked to come into presence, because immediately, you know, in my experience with eye gazing, it's like whatever else is going on in the world, it drops away and it's like, oh, it's one soul meeting another soul. And that's a potent way to to drop into consciousness and presence. Yeah, yeah, I was gonna add into that pairing this with a basic practice. We use the foundations of our entire training.
We start with this, this thing called the Smiling King breath, which many of you have heard if you've been following our work or some of our testimonials or guys talking about the Smiling King. This is just our own little recipe of tools, psychosomatic tools, we say to drop you into presence, to drop you into the driver's seat, to take the throne of your Kingdom, to step out of the absent Father archetype in any moment and just step right into the center.
So I'll invite that real quick. If you'd like to follow along in this practice, I'll invite anyone listening to just take a minute. If you're driving a car or operating heavy machinery, do not follow this. Follow this at your own discernment and discretion. But if you you're seated down, just take a moment to close your eyes and begin breathing into your lower belly.
If you want to place your hands just below your belly button, one over the other, inhale and just relax that belly and allow it to fill up with air. On the exhale, you can sigh a little bit, notice, make an audible sigh. Notice what that does. I'm in a deep circular belly breathing. Big inhale sign on that exhale, continuing with that deep circular belly breathing at your own pace. Big breasts expanding that belly in a relaxed way. Sign invitation.
We say this is like playing a game, just in your own way. Stay focused. Keeping that deep circular belly breathing. Don't stop. Imagine this is like juggling. You're juggling one ball right now. If you can just stay focused on breathing into your lower belly. Notice any subtle sensations as you continue doing this. This is the first step, always coming back to the breath. Deep circular belly breathing and set aside any of the future of the past.
Any to do lists? Nah, just be here now with your next breath, as you continue this circular belly breathing, I'm going to invite you to imagine there's a golden string tied to the top of your head. And as you inhale that string back to that string pulling up on your head, roll your shoulders back, nice proud chest. Tuck your chin down towards your collarbone. Exhale with a side. See if you can relax into this posture. Oh, this is our kingly posture.
This is it's a bit of a practice at first, inhaling again, staying in the breath. See if you can hold this, these opposites, holding this form king breath while relaxing into the form. Let your shoulders soften even while your chest stays proud and your spine lengthened, chin tucked, continuing to stay in the breath. OK, we're just stacking practices here. Just notice what this feels like with your spine fully opened, a nice proud posture. This is really important for us
to step into presence. The breath, the posture. On the next inhale, we're going to stack. Now we're going to invite a smile, just a gentle smile to your face. And we say, if there's any part of you that doesn't want to smile, we invite you to smile at that because why the fuck not? And just notice any shift with bringing that smile, big inhale into that.
Notice if you're leaning forward or back, if you're spying, if you can find that sweet spot where your spine is perfectly balanced like a pencil on its tip, just relaxing, shedding tension, sinking into your seat, smiling. Now we're going to turn off. Imagine your smiles on a light switch. Turn off your smile, But everything else stay the same. Deep, circular belly breathing. I'll flip it on. It off back to a stern face back on. Just notice that contrast now
just continue to smile. Continue to breathe into that belly. You're doing great just juggling the breath, the big king posture, the smile, the sigh.
And from here we have the foundations of what's called the Smiling King Breath. What we're going to do is just inhale, scanning the body from head to toe, breathing into any tension, smiling into any tension in the body or in the mind, exhaling it out with a sigh, letting yourself sink deeper into your seat, letting your shoulders soften, your face, your jaw. You continue breathing into the belly, peeling back the onion one layer at a time.
See how much more you can relax. Just let it go, sink deeper. Let the muscles melt on the bone. Now just come back to the simplicity of the breath. Notice since we began a few minutes ago, maybe 5 minutes ago, what's shifted inside. And keep your eyes closed. What we call this is the eye of the hurricane, the smiling king. This is our home base. This is what we give all the brothers in the beginning of the training program.
We build on this foundation. We start to stack more and more and more practices on top of it until eventually this becomes our default state of being. And it just feels so good, doesn't it? To not be the absent father, to be present, to be the king and not the Prince who's off lost and his seeking. All right, so I'll invite us to slowly come back out, big old breath and see if you can hold the feeling, the relaxation, the smiling king, even with your
eyes open. Just notice you can sit in this. Can you feel a shift in the room? Can you feel the quantum field around you adapting and almost echoing back your internal state? This is step one of coming back into our presence. It's all right here, right now. Just breathe.
Can you fully be here, not caught in the loops of the past, the future, you know, would not get caught in stories of perceptions of the world around you that are victimhood, you know, that are blaming others or that are judging others? Or can we just let go of all of that and just step into this deep state of internal coherence and peace and love with everything within us and around us? And this is the smiling energy, you know, the breath.
The the breath in Hebrew is like Yahweh is 1 interpretation of it. Yah Yeah. As an in breath waves out breath. So this is essentially like us channeling Father God energy. You know, I know for a lot of people that may be a little triggering. It was for me, I came from a religious upbringing. But to me, that's the ultimate embodiment of, I mean, that's the opposite of the absent father is like being that unconditionally loving father. You know who is there? He's solid.
He's not going anywhere, doesn't matter what comes. Yeah. And I would say, you know, even just connecting with that energy that's within us, around us and available all of the time. And yet also takes some development, some skill, often some guidance to, to be able to access and connect with that energy and in a, in a way that allows us to then bring it into ourselves. As you're saying, use you were used the word channel.
I would just use the word, you know, connect with and then embody and live through and allowing that to to actually be the the father that's there always. And that's something that we all have equal opportunity and, and access to. And yeah, this feels like an appropriate place to close it off today. Thank you for that practice, Ben, And thank you to anyone listening in practicing along. Hope that we've provided some value for you today and look forward to continuing these
conversations. Ben. Yeah. Thank you all for tuning in and hope you found value in this today, this first step in the reclamation of the Kingdom, you know, of masculinity, updating the software, you know, breaking the pattern of the absent father and stepping into the husband's, the father, the brother. You know, the men that we came here to be, the men that we are looking for. You know, we are the ones we've been looking for. This is what I want to leave
guys with. You know, we are the heroes of this story. That's why we came into this lifetime. And when we can claim that fully, you know, and step into that more fully. And as Hawke said, it takes time. It takes practice. Isolation is a killer. You know, we get caught in our own loops in isolation. You know, this work is meant to be together. We've always done this together as humans in tribes.
And we are coming into unprecedented times of isolation, actually, even as the world is becoming more connected. And I know speaking on behalf of my own journey and and our journey Hawks and the journey of the brotherhoods that we've been a part of and now the men's sexual mastery brotherhood. I know I would not be here if it were not for for you, for all the brothers who've supported me in my journey and who we're supporting. May this work continue to deepen on behalf of our children's
children's children. May the ripples in time and space of us stepping into our higher selves, the men we came here to be, continue to just bless forward all generations like. That's why I know you and I are here for that. We're here to guide the men home to themselves so that they can show up and and bring in the families, bring in the children to stronger homes, you know,
where the men are not absent. The men are fully there and making love in all the different ways with their reality and stepping into that divine father archetype. So yeah, it's been an honour, brother, Great to drop in with you today, yeah. Big love to you, big love to all the listeners and all the brothers out there.