But sometimes I do consider the fact that your partner can see something you can't. When men go into relationship or friendship with a girl, they may see this woman as a potential partner. Is that true?
And why we are friends? I think we give with giving each other the egg also. I mean,
obviously, like your friends give you an egg. That's why you're not dating your friends. You know who your friends are like, hey guys, welcome to another episode of men. Explain if you haven't already subscribed to clarity, please do so. Right now, share the love and let your friends know about this episode today. It's a topic that we've kind of delved in before. Can men and women be besties? But we're going to address something a little deeper today.
Friendship boundaries. Should your friendship change along with your relationship status? In other words, is there a reason for your partner to be jealous of your best friend? Now, to delve further into this today, we've got two real life besties with us right now. Attica and her. Welcome them. Hello. Thanks for you. Want to introduce yourself to our viewers. Hi, my name is Atiqah and I'm a content creator and this is my best friend
here. Hello, I'm here. I run a production house called Subset and I'm Aa's friend
and friends for five years. Five years. Ok. So five years was enough to call each other best friend. Actually, it doesn't matter, the time, doesn't matter the quality of the friendship. So, tell me, how did you guys meet? Well, we met in university in our first year and we had a mutual friend and that's how we were introduced to each other. And then we sort of clicked like our personalities match and we join like the friend group and then we became best friends. We were in the same club in uni,
we were in track and field. So we had the same interests and we took same classes. So why didn't this become like a relationship? Like, why did you?
No, no, no. I was curious
because I want to tell the hard questions just straight into it one minute.
Have
you met me? No, you haven't. Actually the first time that thought never crossed my mind. And I was like, oh, why didn't you cross my mind? But for me, it was really natural that we became friends and
she was already in a relationship.
So, ok. But you are in a relationship. So did your partner find it? I don't know, uncomfortable that you were getting closer to someone of the opposite sex? No, I think also because in my relationship, I, we had a lot of friends of other sex. So, like, it was, it wasn't something of this world that I made a friend in UNI, was of a different gender. So, and I also introduced him to her. So it wasn't, it was completely open. There was no tension. It was like, it, like,
it wasn't even like, oh, I met a friend. No, it was like, oh, I'm gonna hang out with was there? It was my friend in UNI.
Yeah. And also I think it helps that we were, like, in situations where, like, it's not that we tried to hang out. So we had classes together or, like, we would meet after school because we were going to track,
like, you were, like, in my room alone. Like we were like, but towards the end, like, the last few years of our friendship, we basically already established as completely at the start. It wasn't like anything like we're hanging out at night and some, some you guys talk about everything and anything because I came from a girls school for, like, 10 years. Right. So, naturally a lot of my very close friends, friends are girls. Yeah, I do have a couple, one
or two, like, really close guy friends. You've met one of him. Avery is one of my very close man friends, but I don't see him as, like a guy that I'm gonna hook up with or ever. I hope he's never seen me that way. I'm not sure. Please don't ask him. I don't want to know. But, you know, when it comes to that I confide in my girlfriends in a very, in a very different way than I would confide in my close guy friends. So, is that the same for you guys? For me? It's the same. I was also
from a gold school. I was in a gold school for like five years in my secondary school. And I do feel like I connect well, I connect better with females and there's just some things that you can speak to your female friends that you can't do with your guy friends. I'm sorry. But this is like, I want to know what can you tell your girlfriends that you can't tell you some things that are just more emotional. OK? Some things that I, I
wouldn't be able to compute it
don't have that, that neurons the way we do the same, like maybe the same empathy females have for each other. Like the same, the way you go about life, the way you see life is very different from, from a female lens and a male lens. So there are some things that I mean, I want to tell her but like it's not like I'm withholding it from you. It's just that I would feel more comfortable telling my girlfriend is that also similar, like stuff that you would tell me your bros, you mean? Yeah.
No, differently. Yeah. I think, I mean, I guess friendships with girls is, like, different from friendship with other guys. Right. So, male friendships, I mean, we talk about stuff that I wouldn't talk to article with just maybe it's inappropriate or something. But, yeah, but then I think female friendships offer different sort of
function and perspective. I think also, I think I said also, like, I think I feel a bit more comfortable or, like, opening up to her about, like, emotional stuff that I wouldn't talk with my guy friends. You
wouldn't mind being a bit more vulnerable.
Yeah. Yeah, because I feel like they don't judge. But with, but then with the boys is like, kind of like, sweep things under the rug almost and sometimes, like, you know, you would,
yeah, you guys don't know how to react when you open up emotionally. I feel the awkwardness in the air when guys try to open up then they're like, is
like, damn, that's crazy. Yeah. Yeah.
I know that, that's true. You're not getting the in depth views.
It is very, I think, like, with male friendships is very rare. I mean, I have one or two friends I really open up with and we are really close like that, but I think in general it doesn't really happen.
Is Atiqah your only very close female friend? I would say I have 20, ok. Ok. Jasmine. How about How about you? Guy friends? I actually don't have, I don't think I have a lot of guy friends. Actually. I have you, I have a couple but they are overseas. So similar. Similarly. I feel the same way as you. Like, I still have more female friends. Definitely more female friends. Yeah. Definitely more female friends. Ok. So then let's take it to when you guys are dating or
in relationships. Ok. I'm sure you've already kind of been, you've dated while you had this friendship,
right? Honestly, I've been single for quite some time. Ok. So I don't date but then it's like maybe like talking to someone but then not, nothing
serious. Ok. So in that process, I'm not sure if you are dating now. Are you currently? I'm seeing someone. Ok. So during that process of dating other people, has it ever cropped up? Like this friendship might be an issue to your partner. My friendship with her. Never, never, never hair was never an issue. Yeah. It's also because you have to introduce your guy friends to your partner. You have to do that.
So previously I had an ex that was really not comfortable with one of my guy friends and despite the formal introductions that we all hang out as a group, like it's truly purely platonic, but he was never really OK with it. So I don't know. What, why did he feel that way? What, what did he say? He just said, like, he spends so much time around you. Like, I think he likes you, but it turns out that he didn't, it was purely platonic.
But I feel like sometimes though, I mean, this is, you can't have blanketed statements or, like, you can have a guy friend, you can't have a guy friend or, like, guys will never like their girlfriend since obviously it's such a gray area and there's so many cases. but sometimes I do consider the fact that your partner can see something you can,
like, your partner can maybe, yeah. You know, like, if I had, if I was dating someone and he had girlfriend and, like, I'm reading the girls cues and I'm like, well, that was something I was doing when I was trying to get with you, then I would know that I'd be able to tell and it would be oblivious to
the guy. Yeah. So I find it like, sometimes it's best unless maybe your partner see something that you don't and then maybe it's like by the time you ask the guy, he's like, yeah, I just saw you as a friend but maybe at that point, maybe it was perhaps. But, but I think it also comes down to how secure your partner is. You know, because I'm still friends with this person and my current partner is completely fine with him. In fact, they're really close.
That's what happened. Yeah. Right. Ok. Tell me more. What happened. So I think with and this is such an individual like human thing like connecting with another human being, right? So it just so happened to be that like her partner at that time, we became really good friends and we would even like talk without her in the like I will text him, you know, on my own accord.
So we became friends and it's not just like, oh, I'm texting Aa's boyfriend, you know, it just so happened that we became really close friends and he really trusted me and there were no problems with like, you know, you not, that's a broke code and
stuff like that. But ok, what are some boundaries that you would never cross with each other? For example, I have a story to share but maybe you can, can answer first. I think I would never like go out with you super late at night and then not tell my partner that kind of stuff or like, I don't think we're like, really touchy but we like hug friendship, like greeting. Like I wouldn't like, I wouldn't sit like super, super close to you, that kind of thing, right? Also, like I feel like it doesn't
happen. Like why would we be doing that
natural? It's very natural. Like it's a very friendship tonic relationship we had. So there's never a case where like, oh my God, I can't cross this boundary like no, like I don't behave like that anyway. Yeah. Well, ok, so then I'll ask you this question. Would you travel? Just the two of you? I would, would we want to? Yeah, we've been saying
we want, we've been saying, would
you share a room together? No, I don't think, I don't think I would be. It depends, is a
budget and we don't have money but given a choice, I think
like, ideally we wouldn't just like, ideally it's like I want my own bed, I'll share, I'll share his story with you. It's not about me but one of my very close friends, he actually was attached and he was so sure this goal is like the love of his life, sorry was was they broke up. But anyway, so he was so sure love of his life. But the problem is she had so many male friends a lot in this bigger group. They actually went on a trip together, the friend group without him, so without my friend.
So then she goes, oh, you know, the accommodation is kind of limited and I'm going to have to share a room with this guy, right? Which is a close friend, a close friend of hers and my friend always had a bad feeling about this guy. He was always like, oh man, this dude is like, I think he's trying to be funny with her or like he secretly likes her or something. And I always told him like, don't overthink like if you trust her. Like, maybe she's really,
hopefully she's telling the truth, you know. And unfortunately he was right, that guy has liked her since the beginning of time and he actually admitted it to her during that trip, that he shared the room with her during the trip, that he shared the room with her. Like, they share the same, they share the same bit. Yes. Oh, my God.
There's a bit. I feel like if you share the same bed, you need like a pillow for like, even with my girlfriends, we have a pillow for, you know, it's like even if my girl I'm like, look, we need to have a vibe here first. Yeah. So to me when I heard that story, I was like, wow. Firstly, I would never share a bit with it. So like
a bit
of a red flag. Yeah. Maybe the person's intuition is wrong but you should still respect your partner's wishes. Like, like I wouldn't want my boyfriend sharing a bit of a random girlfriend. That would be so weird to me. I feel like I'd be ok with that if I, if I trust, I mean, I, it's not that I don't trust but I just find that whole concept. I don't know. I'm someone that needs my personal space. So I find it difficult to even invite like total strangers into my house.
So that's just, that's just me. Yeah, I think, I think I'd be ok with it, if I know the gold slot, honestly it
is news even to me, I'm like, really? Yeah,
like I, because I never took place in such a situation so I've never thought about it. But, like, now I'm thinking theoretically hypothetically I would be ok.
I guess it also depends how, well, you know, your partner and how secure you are in the relationship as well. And it's very like, situation based. Like this friendship that we have was very rare. I think you don't really get that a lot. I feel. So at the end of the day really, it's like, like case by case basis,
it really is. Yeah. So, so can your significant other also be your best friend though? You know, if you're dating someone or having been with someone? Can that person also be your bestie? Yeah. 100%. I think they should be your best friend. But in your best friend, in a very different sense than my goal, best friend. For example, like, they can never replace the friendship I have with my female friends.
But being in a relationship, I think for me, I've, you find friendship in the love and that's how you wanna, you wanna be able to enjoy time spent together and you shouldn't just be all romantic. I mean, definitely it's gonna be a romantic relationship. But very important part for me in a relationship is the friendship is wanting to hang out with them to tell that person, everything that, that person has to be the first one to know everything. But it's also important to
have friendship outside of your relationship. Like, that's something that you should also have for yourself to, for you to have that personal space with your partner as well. And I wouldn't want to say the old gossip by your partner, like, share your troubles with your partner, but sometimes you just need an outside perspective. You don't want to feel like you're completely overwhelmed by one person. Yeah. In these situations, have you then ever had to draw any boundaries when
you started dating? Right?
A person for me, I would never let someone else kind of, like, choose for me. So if the person I'm seeing or like I'm talking to, she's like, oh, you know why you always hang up with, say, article or something like that? And I'm like, there's no real reason why you should be asking that, you know, I would most probably kind of like drop and drop that, that person really? Yeah.
Yeah. You feel like you're being put in a position where you're being made to choose between a relationship and your, what you regard as a very close
friendship. And I think if, for example, my friendship article is important to me, I would want to keep that, you know, I think it's important to have a balance. LA
Yeah. Ok. I mean, you are not wrong. Like, it's always important to have a balance. But I'm curious also, let's say you meet the love of your life.
I love.
No, no, no. Let's not go to the extent of like, I hate whoever but maybe to a certain extent, like, is it ok if you spend more time with me and a little less time with you because I know that you guys spend a whole bunch of time together, right? Definitely hang out a lot. So what if it comes to like, maybe I want to catch the premiere of this movie with you but then you're like, oh, I already made plans,
article got media invite
or something like that. Would you try to like get another ticket for you? Ok. How do you then balance that if it's a simple ask of your partner? But is it ok if we watch this movie together?
Because yeah, ok, then I guess in that situation then in specific situations where I feel like, yeah, you know what I mean? You're also important to me, right? If you're my partner, if you love in my life, then of course, I would wanna do that with you, but it shouldn't be like, ok, your life you cannot be friends with, of course, but in specific situations, I think it's ok.
So it's ok to ask you to strike a little bit of a balance and you wouldn't take any of that. I would if she told me that she wanted to hang out with you and you have, I'll be, like, hang out with her because I don't want her to hate me because I want to be her friend. So I'd be like,
yeah, both of us, we are quite like, in terms of friendships, we really share our friendship. So I think we also want to bring our, like, significant others into the friend group. Hopefully, I think we always, our friend group, we always try to like in everyone.
So it's really important to me that my partner meets my friends, like my friends hangs out with my friends no 100% like an ecosystem, right? You can't just like separate lives. So then in that case, you know, I've heard of some theories before that men and women see friendships with different genders differently. So for example, when men go into relationship or friendship with a girl, they may see this woman as a potential partner. Is that true for you? I
think there's some context here is that I've always been in like classrooms and stuff like that, but the ratio is insane like, yeah, so it's way more way more girls than guys. So especially when I entered JC, I think that was my first time where like maybe like five guys in the class and the rest of the Yeah, for real. So I had to really adjust into like, OK, based on that theory, right? I can't be falling in
love with everyone. So it's almost like managing, managing that kind of like friendships with the opposite sex and I feel I've gotten used to it and even in uni the ratio was insane. Like our whole school, we would have like 20 guys and like the rest of girls are hundreds of girls. So you would be in like group projects with them, you would be eating lunch with them but not necessarily you want, that's not like it's not like a potential. Wait,
what course do you take? Communication media that explains it? And you were in arts in JC? Arts in JC? OK. So then it shows that it's something that you grew into as well. It also the environment that you're in that has shaped you and opened you up to a friendship like this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And for you as well because you were in primarily a girl and then, and then I took biology in college and so it's all females but it's all female. Biology
is a female class. Physics will be a male dominated class and then I went to communications and then it's all female. So I've just been surrounded by females my whole life. That's why I don't think I have a lot of guy friends and maybe I have like, I can off the top of my head. I have like, other than you, three more guy friends. So, four and they're like, yeah, that's it. I think I have
more than that. So, so from, from a perspective of a woman, then when you look at your male best friends, do you see qualities that you may consider good in a partner? I mean, I acknowledge like, oh my God, you're so sweet. You know, I hope we get a girlfriend, you know, because you don't have girlfriends right now.
Always like bugging me about it. Relax. I'm trying to be so exciting. What
exactly are you excited about to have another female in our friendship or like, how fun would that be? Right. I mean, yeah, it, it's very subjective because I've also come across people in, back in poly and uni when we were all in big groups and stuff, people get alienated because of their relationships. They end up having to extract themselves from a friend group if there's too many girls there or, you know, just, it just becomes a difficult
situation. I've been in a situation where actually, like, twice. Yeah. And I wasn't really friends with them. Like, like these girls would just be like, I don't know, we just know each other, that kind of thing and they would like soft block me on Instagram. And I will not realize obviously because it's like you block and block, right? So we unfollow each other. So, and then after a while, like, sh I'm not following this person anymore. So I'll ask their friends what happened?
Did I say something or do something? She was like, oh, no, like the boyfriend told her to, like, do that to be crazy. And I'm like, is it because you think, like, am I the problem? But actually, like, when I think about it I wasn't even close to the person.
Yeah. So not even like inner circle level. Right.
But I don't know, he saw me as a threat, I guess.
So. Take it as a compliment.
But, but, yeah, I think it becomes very awkward and I don't know how that, you know, I don't know.
It has happened to me actually one of my closest guy friends, but I wouldn't say it's like super close with guy friends. It's like you can't be super close. Like for me, that guy wasn't like my super, super close, but we've been friends for so long that it's a very low maintenance friendship and it was just really chill. Like I don't, I don't text him every day. I text him like once every six months kind of thing.
So I bumped into him at the MRT and I was like, oh my God, you, I won't say his name and then I gave him a hug and then he hugged me and his girlfriend. I was like, hey,
she's like,
oh my God, I didn't even know, I didn't even know like I didn't even sense attention. But after that, well, I don't know what happened such a long time ago. He told me that the girl was so pissed and the girl was mad and they saying that I was trying to get this guy and I was like, I don't text him like, I don't even text, I don't text your boyfriend who is my friend. I don't text him. I don't hang out with him, never hang out with him. One on one before only in like
group settings. And I was like, that's crazy. I was like, that's not, that's like so out of the picture. And then I went on a trip with this guy and was this guy and a couple of other friends and then he was sick and I gave him medicine. I was like, you have a fever. Here's some medicine. The girl was saying her to poison it. Ok? And like it's something that trickles down later on in a few weeks. I find out like the girlfriend thinks I was trying to poison him last week. Oh
my God. Yeah. I think you crazy be like, girl, if I wanna try to poison him, you won't even notice, ok? If I was trying to poison him that you wouldn't even notice
what you do, would you want to poison him? But if you wanted
to get with him, I didn't think of that. And I was like, what is this go on about? And then he unfollowed me on Instagram. Oh my God. I didn't feel like I didn't, I didn't like I wasn't mad. I wasn't like, oh, why is she like that? Like, because I know my friendship with him is so chill. It's so, like laid back and low maintenance that he's gonna come around. Yeah, she might not be around. She's gonna leave. I don't have to text him. I don't have to like, oh, what's wrong with girlfriend? Like,
let's work this out. It's not invested. I'm not investing this guy as big as my friend. And I was like, it's fine. We didn't actually, it was kind of something that came up and then we were like, oh l and then so in the end he no, they broke up and then I was like, you can follow me back if you want. If you don't, it's fine. Like I don't really, it's fine. Like sometimes you just have to accept that your guy, friends, girlfriends are gonna be like that and they'll come over and
follow you on Instagram. Just understand is that you
just having spent the last few minutes with you guys. I can tell that that will not happen. Like you're gonna be like, that's ridiculous guys. Come on, don't make me unfollow like I don't know, but some other people have a different way of seeing it. Like this happened to one of my friends before and she actually went ahead to block or whoever this person, but she did contact the person and tell that person like, hey, like, you know, I think our friendship runs much deeper than
social media. So, just ignore the fact that I've had to block you or unfollow you whatever and just move on. Like, because, you know, we are close enough to know that I don't need to know what you're doing on or Tik Tok or whatever. Yeah. So, that's, that was the way that she dealt with it. I can imagine. Like, the boyfriend's, like, block all these guys are like, I'm not comfortable with you following these guys and then she blocks them, but then she takes them like behind the scene.
Like actually my boy, we do it like that's bad as well. You know what I mean? That really like bad on the partner. But if you make it your own decision, like I chose to do this because I understand why my partner might have reasons for feeling uncomfortable. I don't know, but it's really once again, situation based situation, speaking of situation based, I've got a couple of interesting stories that we picked out to see how you would react to
it and how you feel about these situations. Ok? And the very first one, interestingly, I actually have a close friend that this exact situation happened to him. It's about gift buying. Ok? I don't know if you've exchanged gifts with each other a lot or Christmas. Ok. So think about the gifts that you guys have exchanged. Am I the asshole for purchasing my guy friend? His dream birthday present and outshining his girlfriend in the process.
My guy friend, Tom has been one of my best friends since college when our mid twenties now and are both currently in committed relationships with long term partners. I've never had feelings for Tom and he's never had feelings for me either. Ok. Um, since college he's been a huge watch fanatic and he was showing me a stunning vintage watch and made a side comment. If he could have it, he would die of happiness. Coincidentally, I actually saw the watch. It was very expensive. Not gonna lie.
It was over $2000 and then their mid twenties, think about that. Ok, I decided to get it for his 25th birthday because it was 25th birthday and it was $2500. So I saw it as fate. I do pretty well. So it was something that I felt I could personally afford and wanted to buy for him knowing how happy he would be.
However, on the actual birthday, they all opened up the gifts and his girlfriend ends up going first and she got him a really nice sweater that she crocheted for him and a book that he's been wanting, which I thought was very thoughtful and lovely. Last of all was my gift when he opened it and saw what it was. He screamed, jumped over a bunch of people and super squeezed me in a huge bear. Hug. He also said it was the best gift he has ever received. And this whole time his girlfriend was staying
very quiet. The next day I got a text essentially from his girlfriend saying that although it was a very thoughtful gift, she felt that it crossed the line and it was lacking awareness. What do you guys feel? I love you. But I would never spend 2005
and you're like,
no, no, no, not $2500. Like, let's say we have 250. Yeah. Yeah. Bring it down like 250 maybe two, maybe $2.50. I buy you a coffee from the c I think I find it so crazy. No, there's no way she has no feelings for the guy, right? Ok. Why would you spend 2.5 K? But she's in a committed relationship too? Why wouldn't you want to spend that 2500 on your? Ok. But what if you have
crazy money? Yeah.
Ok. So I was thinking about that because this same similar situation happened to a close friend of mine. He was in a very committed relationship with this girl and his friend, very new friend in his life, like less than six months, kind of friend. But two circumstances they've had to get closer, got him like a extravagant gift. But it was something that he wanted related to gaming. Ok. And his partner,
his girlfriend back then. Apparently was trying to save up to buy it, but that new friend kind of bought it for him instead. Good for her then. And she was so, I mean that the girlfriend was really unhappy about it and felt like it was crossing the line. That's tough. So however back to it, maybe the person has crazy money and then to that person 2005 may not mean anything
to me. I think this is all about like, obviously this one event didn't trigger the tension, right? It could be a serious, like, undergirding, the tension is already building and stuff like that. I feel like if I had crazy money, I like, I buy something. I'm like, bro, you get stuff as well. It's a package deal. Like this is what I'm saying, like in theory, it's like you manage the friendship in a way that doesn't seem like it's exclusive.
It's together like you're also my friend. I just wanna, yeah,
you're right. So I think what I noticed in my friends, sometimes they will buy a gift that my partner and I can use or can share. So then it doesn't seem so like that'd be nice. Yeah. Yeah. But no, none of my friends have ever spent $2500. Ever. I don't think ever. I cannot come. Yeah. But I think it's fair that the girlfriend was upset, right? But sometimes you just, I guess the girlfriend should understand or like, should have this prior knowledge. Maybe the guy has crazy money. So it
wouldn't be, or the girl has crazy money. So it wouldn't be so crazy for her to like it's relative. Ok, hold on. But if I were the, in that situation, if I were the girl that wanted to spend 2.5 on the watch, I would, I might talk to, I might tell a girlfriend first and I'd be like, hey, I'm to get this. Do you want to get, like, chip in or get it together? I don't know. That would be great to be like, less awkward. Right. And they opened it in front of everyone.
And also if the girlfriend didn't know that he really wanted that watch even more awkward because it's like, I don't even know what my boyfriend wants, that kind of thing. Exactly.
It's awkward all around. I have to say. Now the next one is here we go. Am I the asshole for telling my boyfriend and his female best friend to hang out less frequently? My extroverted boyfriend and his best friend have been friends years before I had met him. They've always been platonically close and actually the girl and I were roommates for three months when my boyfriend was away. Lady has been spending his Saturday afternoons having brunch with
her four Saturdays in a row. Now they catch up and he tells her things that he can't tell me because he says I sound judgy, which could be true. My boyfriend and I have been living together for two years now and our weekday nights are just dinner and TV.
Since we're too tired from our daytime jobs, we barely have any daytime activities because after their Saturday brunch, my boyfriend and I go out with friends in the evening and by the time it's Sunday we probably usually have a hangover or we're doing chores. I'm also uncomfortable with them having so many pictures together of arms around the shoulder or side hugs. I've said before that I don't want to see him post that
out of respect for me. He assured me that they are more like siblings and he would never be attracted to her in a romantic way. I can see that they're not flirty and I believe that they're platonic. I found out from a friend that he has posted a side hug picture that he hid
from me from viewing it. Now, I've shown my jealousy about this to my boyfriend and he says he's tired of the same argument and having to reassure me, but it's important to know that my insecurity also comes from knowing that my friend broke up with his girlfriend of two years and after three months is now together with his female best friend. So what do you guys think about a couple things to unpack?
I would never even like, I don't know what we take what is like that and like,
I guess maybe like that I like, but it wouldn't be like, oh my God.
Yeah. Yeah. And for the fact that he had the photos
that's really bad. If you have nothing to hide, then you should, maybe he's just tired of having the same argument, but it's so bad. It's still such a bad look. You can't do that. And you know what, we always find out female interaction. If we want to find out something we will. Yeah. Just, just give us 10 minutes. We're on it. So in this case, then do you think that her feelings are valid or is she projecting
like what she's seeing in other situations? And she's wondering whether it could be the same in her situation? Why are they going out for brunch without her though? Yeah. Yeah. So that's like, that's so weird. You have a girlfriend? You're living like the consecutive weekend? Yeah. That's so weird. I would be like, oh, I'm going out with her, come with like I would even be like, do you want to come? I'll be like, come with. Yeah.
And I guess the added context that we have while we were in school was that we would meet and then we would go to study or like there was a reason to meet. So I think now that we are out of school. Yeah, completely. Like we would invite, you know, it's an open invite. Like if we were to hang out. It's like,
always an open invite and I don't think we've ever hung out and been like, oh, don't I want to just hang out with her. Yeah. That's 11. No, actually, sometimes I've had situations where one of my close male friends is, like, I actually just want to hang out and talk to you one on one because he has something that he wants to share or talk about. Maybe that he doesn't want my partner to know about them. Not that there's anything got to do with him at all. That's fair. That's fair. Yeah,
that's ok. That's fair. If you're like, my friend wants to tell me something about it, something private, then that's fine. I wouldn't be like, for
example, like if, say, like I had some family issues that I need to work out and about and for if the situation is that I'm not too close with her boyfriend, then, you know.
Yeah. Yeah. Well, I, ok, so I have a story to share. I came into this situation before it was a complete misunderstanding. But I used to have this very close guy friend that I got to know from like partying and stuff. Like we didn't grow up together. Nothing, not from school or whatever, but we just kind of
clicked and got to know each other. And at that time he was having some problems with his then girlfriend and he would confide in me about it because he couldn't confide anyone else in his friend group because that girl is in the friend group as well. So the only other person he could talk to about it and he wanted a female perspective was me. So at the time I was dating this guy that
was a little insecure about certain things. But I think it was, it was, it was a little odd because one of the nights he said, hey, I really need to chat. Can we go for dinner? You know? So I said, ok, we went out chatted and I told my partner about it. But that very night I ended up staying out till like 2:03 a.m. just spontaneous night kind of thing. The very next day he texted me and said telegram secret Chat now and it was on whatsapp. I know it
sounds a bit s right. But he was basically telling me an update about the girl situation that he had. Unfortunately, my partner saw everything on my phone like he read everything on my phone. Like he's like he looked into, yeah, ok. He logged into my phone. But because he's always not, apparently I found out later. He's never been a fan of that guy and he always felt like s about this guy. So he longed my phone, read it and he saw the messages like, oh no telegraph secret chat
now and all that. It just looks so bad. It looks so bad. But in actual fact, like the secret chat, which I wish wasn't a self, there wasn't a self destruct timer because there was a self destruct timer. And then it looked even worse. So he didn't even read the, he even read the context, but it just looked very bad. Yeah. And regardless it ended very badly. So I just find it so crazy when someone looks into your phone, that's
such a crazy thing. I know. I know. But I guess maybe if you have a gut feeling or you feel, I don't know. Not that it's justified. But if you want, look into your partner's phone, you have to be like 100%. Your partner is cheating on you. Like doing something 100% ever since that incident. I was like, wow, I cannot have these very suspicious. I mean, look, if I give my partner a reason to feel this way, I also feel that maybe I could have done something better. Ok.
So this is the last scenario. Tell me what you think. Am I the asshole for not wanting my fiance's best friend to be his best man at our wedding. My fiance and I recently got engaged amongst a small circle of close friends and family. His best friend said something along the lines of I have to make time in my schedule to be a best man and this hasn't really left my mind since my issue is the following my fiance is bisexual. Now, these two friends, they weren't dating or romantically involved,
but they've had sex though. They've not, since before we met. I'm not jealous of their friendship and I normally get along fine with his best friend. However, him having someone at the wedding, a man no less that he slept with, makes me feel uneasy. I really don't know if I'm comfortable with him attending. Much less stand up there with us as we get married. Ok. Friends. What do we
think is basically, like, having and your partners FWB
the b, the, like, made of honor or something? Ok. Wow. There's a lot, there's a lot that, I don't know if I would be, I don't know, I wouldn't be comfortable now, there would be something I would be very uncomfortable
with. Yeah. I think I always say this but it's like, it depends on their relationship, like, at that point. But also, you know what? Uncomfortable? So they had. No, no, no, no. Yeah. Yeah. Like,
it's just so bad. Like, I don't
know. It makes
me, it makes you uncomfortable. Right. Yeah, I, I agree. I, 100% agree. But I think when it comes to having, like, an intimate encounter before or sexual relationship in the past, do you maintain friendships with any one of these people in your life? No, never. No. It's odd you feel, yeah.
It's either like after that you become, like, romantically involved or, like, by a bit awkward to be, like, just friends. Yeah. I,
I don't think we gonna bring this up. Like, I don't think you can be friends with your ex. Ok. This is another topic all together, I think. Like, it's so, it's just so much, there was a point in your life where that person was like, someone special and then to bring that now, like, so it is gonna be so, it's too, it's too much. Yeah. Yeah. Actually come to think of it. I don't, I don't know anyone that I've, you know, slept with
or anything that's in my inner circle of friends. Right. No, not at all, actually.
Yeah. Yeah. I think the chemical reaction in the brain that happens.
But do you think friends can be platonic after they've done something like that? I never thought they could be, like, at the same time, like, you can't be friends with your ex. But at the same time I do acknowledge I have a friend who's, who had a really close, was in a relationship for a year and then she's really close with him now as a friend, but it's so platonic and I was like, how do you do that? But then I see the relationship and I was like, wow,
that's actually really platonic. Or maybe it's like she's seen everything. I mean, she's experienced it and she's like, oh, this is definitely not what I want. She got
the somewhere she got the e
exactly. Could be. So, I'm like, that's actually also
your friends. I think we, we giving each other the egg also.
I need to know. So,
what is, what is the, I should know about this. I know. I don't
want to say any eggs because I have so many. Oh, my God, because you're my friend. I mean, obviously like your friends give you an egg. That's why you're not your friend. You know, your friends are like
what I want to be in the market. Your friends, your
friends, your friends are never like that kind of sexy to you. No, no, that's why they're friends.
But she replied my story yesterday and she was like, oh hello? Oh
my God.
I replied, I was like, we have to keep it platonic for the podcast.
Now we need screenshots of hyping you up. OK? So it's the hype. It's not the, I actually think that you're with me as well if you're dressed well, I'm like, hey, OK, wait girls do that with each other though. That's the thing. So we would always be like, you know, girls, girls, I realize we always like you are so hot today. You are doing Instagram
comments go crazy when I post nothing. It's like,
sorry, I can't show it. No, II, I probably hype you up in your comment section
for girls in the comment section. Always go crazy.
Yeah. No, for sure. Like because we want to show love and support, you know, it could be
a picture of this guy and she's like, and they'll be like, photography.
I popped on with that. Ok. So to wrap it all up, do you then feel that your friendship should change with relationships, I guess? No. Right. No. Or a little bit like whenever someone new enters your life, your dynamics gonna change, there will be adjustments, there will be a adjustments and judgments, judgments, adjustment and sometimes like, you know, you lose friends along the way. I think it's so normal to lose friends and gain more friends. Yeah. Yeah.
It's almost like, I think life is never like that. Right. You're not going to be the same friends that you had in like preschool and stuff. It's always changing. So I think as you grow older also, like the situation also changes also. Now we're not in school. So actually we see each other less often. Yeah. So then, yeah, you know, and then our friendship also changes, but I think it's just about like going through it and not like trying to force anything also, whatever feels natural because
obviously when you have someone special in your life, you're gonna spend more time with that person and you're gonna dedicate the time to nurture your relationship and that's gonna, you have to forgo some things and naturally it would be, I guess your friendships, I feel like I feel like all the friends I've been with once they got in a relationship, like they take a little bit of a
step back. So there's a moment where you slip off the face of the earth and I completely understand that because you want, you meet someone new and you want, you want to see them all the time, you want to get to know them and you want to be
in that bubble like that's fair. On that note. I mean, this is just a side note but also I've had close friends, you know, where our friendship changes because also some of us get into relationships and then some of them stay single, then the dynamic kind of changes because the single ones would still want a party a lot or. Yes. Exactly. Yeah.
You know, and it's just something that you have to adjust to, you know, and if I, and I know that I used to tell my partner I was uncomfortable about this one girl that he was quite kind of close to because she was sending him a lot of, like gym selfies in. She was sending
even, she doesn't send me gym. So, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. So I, yeah. Ok. That's kind of weird. You be like, pop off, do you like nice background?
Like the sky looks amazing. Where are you? Right.
Yeah. So, I mean, that was just a side note but that's crazy. But anyway, actually we're cool now and we're all friends now. I think, I don't know whether she was just going through it. Maybe she really liked that sports bra. I don't know. She just really like the outfit like, yeah, guys. Thank you so much for being with me on this episode. I had so much fun and hopefully you guys did great for those of you who are tuning in. Thank you so much for listening
to this episode of men. Explain if you enjoyed it, please hit the follow button. We're on Spotify and Apple Podcast and don't forget to follow us on Instagram and tiktok. That's at its clarity.co and we'll catch you next time.