Hey, this is Sonia. Welcome to another episode of Men explain. Mhm. Thanks so much for your love and support so far. Now, today we are talking about honesty and how much should you tell your partner about your past. So that's a loaded question. And here to answer it openly and honestly is john tell us about yourself, john yes.
Hi. Hi guys. My name is john is Sonya introduced. I'm going to be really honestly, and I'm gonna plug all my social so that you'll give us engagement. Okay. So I work at a small local. I'm a creative, I do photos, I do videos, but in my downtime, I actually do a podcast as well. Right on over think S. G. We always think actually everywhere, please can't follow us.
Why is it over think do you overthink a lot or why?
When we started the channel, the channels name was my co host name, Alastair Punk. Right. And then after a while audience was like,
what? Lester Park?
Where's john? Right. And then we were like, okay, we didn't think so far. So what we did was there like, you know, we try to find a common thing that we do, right? We eat a lot. We, we spend a lot money. Not really. So when we realized we overthink quite a fair bit and as a result we called it over think and we never looked back since,
you know, I think it's a very relatable name because naturally all of us overthink, right? And if you from tuned into this podcast long enough, you would actually know that sometimes we were called for like 1 1.5 hours but we have to cut it down because obviously we're over sharing as well
as True. Yeah,
yeah. But you know, I'm so glad that you're joining us today because this is a topic that um may not be the easiest to tackle when it comes to honesty, when it comes to openness, When it comes to telling your partner about your past, your past relationships. Sometimes it can be a bit of a daunting thing, right? Do you agree with that
definitely is I think daunting is the right word for it because you're as humans, we're always worried about judgment and especially judgment from someone that is that we are especially vulnerable with, right? So I can understand why certain things you told the line between secrecy and being open with your partner because you're worried about that judgment that comes from someone that you ideally want to share a huge part of your life with. So
that's where it gets really tough. But at the same time, I think that like um there are ways to their ways to navigate that,
right? Yeah. And that's that's why, you know, your relationship works. I mean if you are in a relationship, I am okay.
Hopefully all my all my theories can apply into action.
Yeah. You know, it's so funny because sometimes we when we share with our friends, right? It's almost like everyone is very knowledgeable in the current moment when we share problems all of sudden we got advice and all that. But can we even apply what we advise our friends to ourselves? And that's the biggest question to.
It's true. It's very easy to be objective when you take a step back, right? But if you're in the first person I
like suddenly you're clouded with, I don't know, anger and all the feelings and emotions. So here's a question for you. Like when you just start dating someone, um do you have a rule like after how many days then I start sharing about my excess or do you guys bring the excess up immediately? Or how does that work for you?
There's no, there's no strict formula that I can give you an answer for. But if you ask me based on my comfort level and based on my relationship, right? I think for me my policy is very simple in terms of bringing up history and bringing up the number of access and bringing up how your past relationships were. Like, right, ideally, mine is not determined by how many days it's more of like before we get together,
right? Yeah, before you make it official.
Exactly. Because I think the stakes are way higher. If you discuss and find out all these things that could potentially be deal breakers after the fact that you've gotten together as compared to before you get together, you all discuss this and then say that like, hey, we're going to be proceeding into the next step of things because good feelings, good feelings, right? Here's what we have and here's what you have. Let's see whether any of this is non negotiable.
Wait. So so those are very heavy words non negotiable and dealbreakers. Can you give me an example of what a deal breaker is right for you?
Okay. So personally, for me, right, I would like, I'm quite open, so I don't really have, I don't really have dealbreakers per se, right? If I had to pinpoint at one, that would that would cause me to win a little if it were brought up, right, would be to say that like, oh my part, my potential partner cheated before.
Right, Okay.
And that would be something that would be a little bit harder to digest for me.
Has that ever happened to you before?
Thankfully, No, I've been very, very, very lucky in the dating game, right?
Yeah, that's true. Well, okay, so I just want to hold on that thought for a minute because I do have, you know, some close friends we always share about relationships and stuff and I do have a close friend who um she actually was in a long term relationship, unfortunately she did cheat on her partner,
right?
But as a result she found herself in a situation with a guy that she's happier than ever before,
right?
And it doesn't change my perception of her as a person. And she did her current partner knows everything about what happened with the X. And
stuff.
And it doesn't change his perception of her as well. So do you feel like it could be a very subjective thing? Like there are some people out there who don't mind, you know, such so called red flags as some of us might deem to others. It might be like, okay, you know, it doesn't change my perception of you at
all. So I mean before, before I answer that question, I just want to ask, have you experienced being cheated on before?
Yes, I have. Right. Yes.
My condolences. But like, like, like once, twice or multiple times or
um actually it was it was more than once. More than once. More than once. But I'm the kind of person where I would like to talk about it. So you know, we make mistakes. I've made my fair share of mistakes, you know? And I've dated people who have made their mistakes as well in relationships. And um for me, I want to find out why what happened there, what led to this moment? And is it something that both of us were guilty of both of us did something that led to this moment? Like I
want to find out the root cause as well. Yeah.
So I mean in the context of reflex they were talking about, the reason why I asked this question is to understand a little bit in terms of your comfort level when it comes to discussing these kind of things. So I think we whenever you get into a relationship with someone, when you're about to discuss your reflex, right? One of the things to immediately ground yourself with is to understand that this person is not just potential partner,
but also an individual as well. And as an individual, the person who have different levels of comfort, different concepts of what a red flag might be like and not everything is everything is just that relationship that you share. And like to asking about whether they are okay with discussing their past experiences with
eating and stuff like that. You will have a very, very, very clear idea in that sense about whether it's even a red flag or whether even discussing it is comfortable for them and I think that's the first step and as much as this is going to be the most hippie ship that you hear me say in this episode, but like um dating is really all about communication, but what does that mean? Right people here, that's a quote that has always time. But what does that really mean for me?
Like it means communicating in a way that is easy for the other person to understand because you can communicate and talk all you want. But if the other person does not digest it the right way, right, then the communication is for not right? You're just we're just preaching, right? So in order to find out whether something is a red flag, you need to understand this individual a bit better. And sometimes you have to ask the very daunting question about whether it's cheating a red flag,
right? It almost sounds
instinctively everyone on the internet, but of course it's a red flag, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But like you mentioned, we've all made our fair share of mistakes just in varying sizes, and it is my opinion that everyone deserves to be forgiven. So if let's say someone who has cheated cheated on someone before comes around and wants to be a better person who's to say they don't deserve a second
chance, of course, because you need to find out the context. The reason, I mean, not that we're justifying it,
but we're not, every
situation is different and you know, they've got their own story behind it. So we're not one to judge as well, which I completely agree, but, you know, based on what you're saying, you're pretty much an open book,
I am okay with discussing anything. And I think that we need to have adopted the attitude a little bit more because everything is worth discussing and forming an opinion about you are entitled to your own opinions, but you are also you ought to also give someone else the chance to change your mind,
you would say that sharing details and like being an open book builds intimacy in a
relationship. Do
you think that plays a part?
It definitely does because I think, I think interpret see might not be the right word. I think the word that we have to that we're looking for his trust.
Okay.
Because if you're able to be open with your partner about most things, it gives your partner the opportunity to be open about at least those things as well. Yeah,
I mean, look, I feel like sometimes, you know, in my lunch sessions with my girls and stuff, when we talk about our relationship problems and all the one thing that I wanted to just ask you, you know, there's the term that we use like secrecy and stuff like that. You keep secrets between, you know, couples and all. But what's the difference between keeping secrets and downplaying situations right? To avoid conflict or a fight?
Do you think that there's a big difference between the two or the lines are blurred?
This is this is where I have to say the lines are definitely a bit because like it is a mixture of wanting to be open with your partner, but also wanting to be kind to your
partner, right?
Because like there are some things, you know, for a fact that if you overshare in the wrong context
is going to trigger it
is right and you might hurt them, right? And you don't want to do that. So that's where people have that struggle, personally, I've encountered that myself.
Have you right where you tell us more?
I mean, I mean through omission, right? Omission, you try to salvage the situation like I've had have had an incident with one of my partners before where basically for their birthday or something like that, right? I was like, let me get them a nice present. But at the same time while I was searching on the story and I thought this is a really thoughtful gift for some of my other friends. So I bought one for my partner and a bunch of other things
for my other friends as well. Now I omitted the part with my with my partner that I also bought things from my friends because I don't want that to diminish the thought that I put into her gift. I
understand. Okay.
Right. And that's just a very, I guess a very low level example, but that's where that's where I'm kind of toeing the line between secrecy and omitting, you know, downplaying things.
Yes. Yes. Okay, well, I have something to add on to that. I think my situation that I encountered was a little bit more intense, like it resulted in a bit more conflicts than I had hoped for. So it's no secret to our audience that I do like to go out and party and I have been through that like, you know, in my younger days and sometimes like once in a while we still kind of
do that, right? Even though it ends at 10, 13 hours and you know, sometimes I find myself historically as well, not just, you know, in present day, but historically I tend to try and downplay like how much fun I'm having
to your partner.
Yes, it
is.
Okay. So my reason and this is this is confirm overshare right now at this point time, but
overshare. Overthink
overthink, oh my God, collaboration. So okay, I'm not sure if you're tuning in right now, if you feel me, but sometimes when you're having a lot of fun, like with your friends or like when your partner is not there and stuff, you kind of don't want your partner to feel like bad about it or left out or you don't want your partner to feel like, oh, she's
out there messing around or doing something bad, right? So as a result, I tend to just be like, oh yeah, it was a chill night, but they were like, it was always chill, like, you know, we're just having dinner and drinks and like, you know what I mean? So yeah, that's that's what I'm guilty of, I'm like, openly admitting it right now,
Yeah, you know what, you know, it's great that you're wearing this now, but like, okay, I'm just curious, right, is this is this approach that you have right coming from your own worry about how your partner will react.
Exactly. So I'm, because I'm worried about a reaction, that's why I downplay it, right? And you know, we've addressed this in therapy a couple a couple of times as well and it's like just a vicious cycle, right? Because we're constantly like, okay, why are you dumping it or because you know, every time historically when you say like, oh yeah, I'm having so much fun and you know, such a fun night, then my partner might get mad
or angry then becomes like a vicious cycle. Then I decided that, you know what, next time I'll just like won't say that I'm having so much fun, you know, But I mean, truth be told, at least it was talked about and you know, it was addressed as well. And as a result, I think both of us have things to reflect on and look at, why is he giving me that certain reaction and why do I feel the need to continue doing that? You know? So we have to break that cycle somehow,
definitely because I think that it is, it is a very toxic parenting kind of
concerned if
that is the situation and you always want to move away from that because especially if you're talking about romantic partner, right? Potentially this romantic partner is going to transform into the next status of lifetime. And this is not something that you can live with for you can live with it for maybe 5, 10 years. What about 2030 years. Right. And that's where that's where it gets really difficult. And I think in order to overcome that you need to, you need to find out
the motivations for different behaviors. Like, like it could be, it could be on our part, right? It could be like for example, we've, we've always had experiences with partners that get mad when we have too much fun, right? Or it could be on their part, right? Every time we go out and have fun, they seem to react poorly. So this has to be something that
has to be discussed. Like whether it's a reassurance thing, whether it's a jealousy thing or whether it's, they just have no one else and it's a co dependence thing, right? And these things will eventually boil down to individual facts that you have to discuss whether they are deal breakers or not.
And have you found yourself in a situation or relationship when you were dating someone that you started to compromise a lot on yourself and you realized that hey, I'm changing so much, but I'm changing for somebody not myself
definitely. And I think this was something that was very symptomatic of my earlier
when
I was younger because I think right now just to accept the context, what would you say that you are romantic, hopeless romantic or bleeding heart?
I don't think I'm a hopeless romantic, right? There are obviously ideals that each and every one of us has of what the perfect relationship is and that to me has changed drastically over the years. No more slow. More obviously. Yeah. Yeah. I think the half lit to me never really quite existed. Neither have I ever experienced it. But I've been lucky with a fair share of previous guys that I've dated who have romantic gestures. I've also had
experience with guys who are not romantic at all. But in their mind, they think that they are and this ties down to this ties down to something very cliche, which is like the love language is right? And I know that it's been said to death and studied to death and people will talk about the love languages and all and it's like blah like roll your eyes, right?
But actually when you look at it from just a generic view, um what I find is love language could be different from what my partner finds, you know, intimate and finds romantic, right? And I think actually it's quite key to know about that. So for example, I mean if your love language is, I don't know gifting or time spent.
My mind is touch and touch
and quality time actually the same for me. So touch and quality time are important to me. So let's see if we are not the same though. Like let's say if my love language is gifting for example, or acts of service for example. And to me when I'm doing extra service towards you or giving you a gift that to me is showing you love. But you're like, what is this? Like? This is not this is not showing love to me. It's true to me.
I just want time spent. That's it. And that's where like it's sort of um stalls a little or their disagreements and people feel like, oh, you're not showing me enough love. But I am in my own way, right?
But at the same time, I think in that in that kind of context, when it comes to love languages, right? Telling your partner how you want to be loved. This is so important.
Yes. Which ties back to communications. You are slowly figuring
it's true because like, like, like your your partner cannot read your mind right? And like as much as we would love to have that, right? We're
also ideal. Yeah.
Like can you imagine you get together with someone and suddenly we all gain mind reading powers. We would love that
selective breeding cannot not all not all the time again. Like like
reading reading
Exactly.
But as a result, right? I think a lot of things that, especially in our society, I would say in Singapore in Singapore. We live in a more conservative society as much as we would like to think we're more liberal these days, but we still have a lot of conservative values. It almost feels like it's not right for us to share our demands and our needs to tell people that
we care about what we want. In fact, we find it easier sometimes to tell our friends who were not romantically involved with what we want and what we're lacking. Which is very strange because ideally you want to tell the person that you're closest to what you want because they are the ones that are supposed to be there to try to provide what you need.
But we have this barrier to overcome. Because I think the way we were brought up was that our parents said, what is what whether sometimes what we ask from our parents, we may not be able to necessarily get. And as a result we become very guarded about the very things that they run deepest with us, right? And I think with your partner, this is where they're being an open book becomes very important. Being able to tell them what you want and tell
them what you need. Not the I want to eat sushi, not that level, but the more like I appreciate your gifts. But I prefer if you color me more right? This is something that is very difficult to come from the mouth of singaporeans
because I feel like you grew up in a environment. I don't know, it's an asian thing, but I think it's the right like a lot of my friends, you know, sometimes tell me because I'm very close to my family and you know, some some of my friends tell me, you know, I don't know how you talk about everything to your parents or like how do you guys like hug each other when you leave? A lot of people don't have that, you know
That's right. I personally believe that like if your parents allow you to be yourself, your parents allow you to be yourself, right? You will grow up allowing yourself to be yourself because if you grew up in environment, we are not allowed to be yourself. You will grow up thinking that you're not allowed to be yourself
or you have to have some sort of marks. Exactly. You
have to be a certain way. If not people don't like you don't love you, which is a very inner child. Never go away kind of thing a lot of times why like if you really really, really boil it down, Like why are we not comfortable telling our partners about certain things because we're worried that if we tell them they don't love us anymore.
Oh man, that's that runs deep you guys. It does,
it's a very visceral thing and like we we can't we can't change that unless we acknowledge that. Yeah, right? Like we acknowledge the why we're not telling our partners, like for example, we talk about the context of partying, why why are we telling our partners? Could it be because we're already they're jealous or is it because we've had someone snapped at us about it before or is it we feel guilty because we know that we're overstepping
certain boundaries. These are things that we have to acknowledge and then eventually tell our partner not only for us to allow ourselves to be ourselves but to reassure them that this no matter what we do, this relationship is still in the hierarchy of things higher than whatever.
Yeah. So essentially it's all about reassuring your partner in that sense, right? Because I think a lot of us get caught up in the whole like downplaying your situation kind of thing and we've all been guilty of doing that before. But you know when when it comes down to something as simple as a reassuring sentence or word or text or phone call
when you look at it. You know in hindsight you're like oh actually a simple thing could have stopped everything from happening but when you're in the situation is very hard for you to see
its true and like like you know coming back to different people wanting to be treated different way right? Like for example my co host Lester one of the strategy that he does when he goes out with his girlfriend at least right? So for only those like more hang out until late never talked to a girlfriend nights, he will change the wallpaper to the two of them and that is enough because they discussed it and then she said like you know for those, let's do that.
She feels more reassured.
Yes. And for her because he's actually much, much more overthink. Okay. Right. She will do the same. So that's interesting. That is sort of like the bridge right? Whereby we won't be too intrusive so much so that you cannot have your fun. Can you imagine if let's say as a partner, you say that like I want to go and party but every 15 minutes I want you to text me
right? That's going to be tough. That's
Tough. Especially for two
hours maybe forget where your phone is. Exactly, yeah. You
become less and
less lucid, right? And then it's
Only 15 minutes. Suddenly you cannot count. Time
Suddenly becomes four. Am I mean seriously? Exactly?
Right? So like sometimes it's like the little things where you kind of meet in the middle and just having these things, it's enough to put your partner's mind at ease.
It comes down to simple gestures sometimes that could work. So I'm going to read out a list of things from a relationship coach. Okay. You tell me what are some things that you would share and what you wouldn't with your partner. So you would share about your physical and mental health
issues of course.
Okay. Okay. How about your financial situation,
how much
you earn and all that. I think
I think financial situation we have to we have a segment that.
Okay. Yes, yes. In
terms of like being in
debt is different from how much I earn every month. So
how much I learned, I think is reserved for a spouse level.
Like I'm going to get married.
You must sign a different
subscription. Yes.
Latino member. Okay.
Okay.
But other than that, in terms of the financial situation, in terms of, are you in debt? Right. Are you currently unemployed? Right. Right. Were you fired?
Oh my gosh, I never asked these things, you know anyone I was dating
but before you get together, I think these are things important to find out. Like is there any major financial situation that you're part of? I think this is even more relevant as we grow a little bit older.
I realized I, I really would just dive in hard first last time. Actually, no, this is a very good point because I never asked them about their financial, it
could be something serious. Like for example, I mean by serious, I don't want to give it a negative connotation. It could be, they are supporting their family member who has a chronic disease.
Okay. And
that is a financial situation that is, that takes away certain things off the table for leisure. Okay, right. And that's where, that's where these kind of communications ideally you want to go into it before you go into the relationship and these are things that are not difficult to be honest about. You know, there's nothing to be ashamed about if you're supporting about a family member, right? Or like, I mean if you think about it, we draw it
back to another picture. Another example that's easier to relate to what you want to know if your potential partner is a single parent.
Yes, of course.
So and we just continue this train of thought, wouldn't you like to know if your single parent, potential partner is supporting, supporting the child full time or with the ex
partner And
as a result that starts to starts to encourage into the realm of financials, right? And you talk about whether this person is supporting their child full time on an income or are they just based off of savings? Right? It becomes you suddenly realized that hey, these are important things to know before even boyfriend girlfriend with someone
for sure, but that's not first date conversation definitely. I think after that we raised too much of this stuff on the first date, like maybe there won't be a second date after getting too serious already. Okay, Okay, the next one is your family issues and upbringing. Would you immediately share that with your partner or do you hold back certain things first
did. Probably not
not. Probably not. But
unless in the joke context like, oh I have a tiger mom for example, but I would guess for legitimate problems that are, that will haunt you right? Probably not. First date.
Yeah,
but probably reserved for the once again
conversations come
after before get together on stage.
Okay. How about your grief or other traumatic life events in your past relationships or in your childhood that might still affect you to this day, which kind of like also goes into the realm of you know, a bit about your ex relationships or maybe things that still you know bother you from time to time. I mean this is a very um surface kind of
examples
but I actually dated a guy with the exact same name and surname as my current boyfriend.
That's that's kind of what is the name you get like john lim?
No, because I mean that could be like that.
Exactly. Right. If you're telling me that I have to tell you the idea, li Yeah.
Right. Right. Right.
This this that that I
mean his surname is actually not the most common sung. It's sng
that is quite interesting
but it's not like Tan or right. Um so I withheld that information for quite a few dates. Actually. Didn't want to scare him off, but I didn't want him to think like I'm dating you because you have the same name as my ex who happened to be like my longest X ever. Right? And you will never guess this, they are related.
No way. You know, we need a reality tv show on this like
yeah, I really hope that my ex is not watching this right now but I'm pretty sure he knows that his Children relative. But I didn't, I did not know I had no,
there is a wild chance that if chinese New Year one of these days.
I know so we haven't gotten to. I know, I know that was the first thing that I thought about okay but because they are distantly really? I think there was some like family thing, I'm not quite sure what happened there but my excess family doesn't really get together with the extended family. So that's why I never met my current boyfriend in any social situations in the past. I might have actually met my current
boyfriend. Oh my goodness.
Which would be really weird.
That would've been really awkward.
Yeah, so the thing is I withheld this information for quite a few days because we like having so much fun right? And you know I I told my friends, oh my God that the funniest thing happened, I'm dating this guy who has the exact same name and surname as my ex. They're like no way get out of here.
He was the one that found out first actually. So I didn't say anything because it would scare him off but he realized that I was friends with his cousin, another girl on facebook and he was like hey how do you know this this girl. So then I went oh like you know this girl, she's actually like my ex's sister and then he went silent for
no way
silent because I didn't know that they were related at the time. He went silent. He was like, you're joking,
That's wild.
He was like, that means like you did it, my cousin. That's wild. That's wild. It was the craziest thing.
That's coming back to what you were asking earlier about about first date, right? I think it's fine bringing these kind of things up about your past relationships, but maybe that's a deep dive into it to find out a little bit more about what happened the circumstances, right? Might not be first date.
Yeah. Yeah, of course, it
might be first date relationship. Like, oh no, when was the last time you were
you? Or when did you break up with your partner? I think that's that's
that's information. That's fine. For a first date.
What if your date asks you or your partner asks you? I'm not sure if you've gotten into this conversation yet, how many people you've had sex with?
Ah So this
is, yes.
And in fact, this is something that ironically enough, I go into this conversation very early. Yeah, because I think this is a good indicator of ah their comfort level. So, I think this, this comfort level is important because in any relationship, especially for me, I can't speak for everyone else, but for me, a sexual relationship is very important for
me. Okay. So
I would like to think that I would not date someone who wants to abstain your marriage for example,
wow, Like, okay, have you ever been in that situation?
Not because I've always been quite upfront about this and asking about that question about how many sexual partners they've had is a very good indicator about how open they are about sex,
because it may not be the same as the amount of people they've dated. Yes. You know what I mean? Yeah.
Why would you want to
know both? You would want to know both? Okay, ideally, right.
And as a result, you would know how comfortable they are talking about sex, which is very important to me talking about sex and having an intimate sexual relationship. So as an as as an opener in that sense, in the first few days, if you're able to discuss this, it's very easy to then discuss the more intricate parts of sex.
But I feel like for for some of us, especially for for girls and for women, right? Like, I'm not sure whether sometimes we feel a bit hesitant in saying too much. I mean,
is it because of the stigma?
Like, in a way, because, you know, as a guy, right? I'm sure like sometimes I'm not sure whether this is a stereotype as well, but I'm not sure that your bro setting or like, yeah, you know, like, you know, I did this girl, like, I don't know how you guys talk it, that's really not 100
percent guys. Yeah, Yeah, bro, you
know that girl man, she was born, I don't know how you guys communicated, but watch
too many movies,
maybe it's like a total stereotype,
but like I think I'm quite, I'm quite fortunate because in my circle of circle of bros, we do not, we do not talk like we do not have that kind of conversations
so thankfully,
thankfully. But it's not it's not it's not it's not a long shot to say that there are people who are like that, right?
Exactly, 100%.
I do know people who are like, thankfully they're not in my close circle. So I would say that that that definitely stigmatizes certain behaviors, right?
And it also normalizes, you know, men sleeping around and being more okay with it than versus if a girl says that immediately were like slut shamed or like called names, you know what I mean?
That's that's
dry. And then they're like, yeah, man, that was awesome. I don't know, like nailed it.
That's a little tricky. But I think that the way to to sort of like in a very before before we got to talk about avoiding it in a very roundabout way. In a very ironic serendipitous way we're living ironic serendipitous way, that is actually a great indicator of whether this potential partner is toxic in the abuse or not, right? Because if men are allowed to sleep around, like why street women because
it's an equal world, right? And if your potential partner is talking like that about how, oh no, they're they're not a virgin anymore, but what about myself? I'm not a virgin too, but it doesn't matter because I'm going to
double standard love it.
It's great filter.
You know, these kind of
people just stay friends
by maybe not even invite
them to play mah jong take their money that you don't need to don't need to hold your hand.
I get it.
But you know, that that's a serendipitous part about it, but like, as a result, you know, this is why bringing up these kind of things in the very early stages. Very good to suss out these kind of people because you talk about talk about this kind of broad you to slut, shame goes right. On the flip side, there are women who come in with these kind of narratives as well, whereby they're like, what you talking about sex or like, why didn't you save till marriage slut shaming
can go both ways. It's just that it's a lot more loud and prevalent when it comes to being applied to women.
Yeah, there's a little bit more of a stigma when it comes to them
and nobody likes being slut shamed or ashamed for anything they've done because not only is that something that is in the past you can't change ideally if I don't judge you for your past, you shouldn't judge me for mine, right?
It's A two Way Street, basically.
Exactly. So this this in that sense because of bringing it up very early in the conversation in the relationship, it's a great filter. You just be like this like this, this is so and so it's not for me, right? The views are too radical from mine as much as I would love for you to be in my life. But clearly there are some aspects of you that I can't accept. Goodbye.
Yeah. Okay, okay, so john we have a question from a viewer which is hypothetical, right, okay, would you be open to your partner if you were ever involved with a sex worker or if you were a sugar baby,
right? I think this one will answer this myself.
Sugar baby vibes. I don't know. I mean no need to answer. Okay,
No, but like, just the thing personally, I I am very okay with sharing about things in my past because like my my thing on it has been, it's very simple, right? I don't judge you about your past and I hope that you won't judge me about mine, but in order to find out whether you would, I
would be up front about mine. So, if I had engaged in a situation where but I paid for, I paid for sex, right, I would be very open with it because probably the person that paid for sex is a very different person from the person that's in front of you right now, right? And I'll be right upfront with that and whether I've been a sugar baby before, which is once again right, getting paid for sex, but this time I'm the one getting paid right, which is exciting,
still looking right
in my recovery instead of like, basically, but you get what I mean, right? So like, I mean I'm okay with being open with that and like I said, that would be a very good filter for me about the potential partner because if I do engage in those activities, I want my partner to be open minded enough to accept that ah I've done those things before, doesn't mean that I am now still.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah. I mean, there could
be a multitude of reasons why that might have happened. I know I've read some stories online about people wanting to pay off their student loans or I don't know, payoff something in that phase of life when you're struggling and then you might have to resort certain things or opt for certain things and I don't want to, you don't want to judge
people, you know, and that being said, I don't want to, I don't want to say that it's wrong that you don't want that. You cannot accept someone who has a certain passed, which it's perfectly fine. In fact, if there is a deal breaker for you then, so be it you guys will not work out, but why I'm even bringing it up is because you need to be able to bring this up to determine whether this partner is good for you in a very not romantic sense. In a very step back and view things logically sense.
I mean, this is very famous quote from Bojack horseman. If you look at the world through rose tinted glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.
That's true. That's right. And
in order to have these kind of conversations, you need to take off your rose tinted glasses and talk to them and discuss within yourself whether someone who was a stryker baby is acceptable for you or whether someone. I mean you can even go in further, I might be a porn star. Right? Is there?
Except there's something I want to tell us. No,
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not a monster. But if I were upon style,
your name would be john doe, right?
Maybe right. If I worked in the, in the adult industry and I have a really kick as name, right? And I share this with my partner. It is up to my partner to decide whether this is acceptable or not. But if you never bring this up and one fine day it comes back. That is a way harder conversation to have
that. If you are in the beginning.
Yeah. Yeah.
I don't disagree with that. I mean on that note though, this just popped in my mind. I mean it's another difficult conversation and I'm not sure if you've had this conversation with any of your partners before STD testing.
Have you
ever spoken about this with your partner
interestingly enough with my current partner because I mentioned this is the first ah partner that I have where we before get together. We actually had a long extensive talk about who we were and what we want and how we expect and how we expect this relationship to go and everything and what could potentially video breakers and what could potentially be things to work towards. Because we don't
have a concrete answer yet. And that has been immensely helpful because that set the baseline for our future disagreements. So if you talk about S. D. I. Testing right? Usually it's very touchy because it almost feels like in singaporean context. If we discuss this, if someone, if I ask you whether you're tested, it almost feels accusatory
like offensive almost like you don't know whether to bring it up.
Are you trying to say that I'm dirty when that's the wrong stigma.
Yes. Yes. Right. If
you talk about, let's say you talk about S. T. I. So common one that people like to ask about is clear media for example if you want to talk about it should be at the same level as asking whether you're vaccinated.
Yeah. Enough. Like everyone check their vaccination status
but it should be at that same level. Like do you go for a vaccine? No, that's fine. If you went, yes, that's fine. Have you tested for Comedia? No, I've never actually gone for it. It should be at that level because sexual health is very much physical health.
It is 100%,, you know, I think for a lot of my girlfriends and I as well, sometimes we talk about these things, right? Because you know, it's it's just unfortunate that at times girls tend to show a little bit more symptoms more so than men and you know, depending on what your relationship status is. If you're single and you know, you're free to do what you want, then you should also take care of your body in that way.
Absolutely. That
is definitely physical health that you should be looking out for you.
And like, you know, it's I feel that this is such a, such an intimate part of of each individual because not only is sex at super lacking in Singapore, so nobody
talked about it like nobody's there is to talk about it.
And so much so that sometimes even resources to find out how to get tested, it's very difficult to access. You don't know whether you google someone might be looking over your shoulder, anything that you know, you're infected
and the next thing, you know, you're on Tiktok, which is
which is very ironic because if you truly are infected, if you truly are infected, then all the more you should be seeking medical help
for yourself. Exactly for your health.
And if your partner cannot accept that if you're 60 a doctor, then what is this person thinking? You know, what should I do if I'm saying, you know, hope for the best. But at the moment of the month and hope for the best. No. Right? See a doctor and get fixed. And as a result, I think discussing um pass ah relationships with with S. T. I. S. It's it's incredibly important.
So safe to say you've fully had this conversations
we have. In fact, we've had we've had talks about funny incidents of close close brushes and stuff like that because my current partner has had a situation whereby one of her friends accused her of sleeping with her boyfriend and as a result infecting your boyfriend with the media and that's why she has chlamydia. And then, and then my partner is like, what?
This is brand new information,
aren't we both
fine? You
know, why not only does that become easier for us to discuss potential sexual health issues? Because there are a plethora right? It's not just S. T. I.
Of course not. There's so many
kinds like if you talk about for for women, especially especially for women who are sexually active. Even the simple talk about HPV talking about when your period is around, you want to miss your fertility because you want to have kids, right? Those are things that you can only talk about if you open the open the gates to talk about sexual health. And one of the path into that is to talk about stds. Yeah,
I totally agree. I mean, it's great to know that you have such an open and honest. I do. In
fact, I have the flow app on my, on my phone because you know, I don't want to be a parent
yet, but eventually you want to be.
Actually, no. Actually, ironically enough, I told myself in five years I'm going to go for a vasectomy because I do not want to have kids. Yeah,
wait, this is another episode altogether. It is, it is
and that is something that I brought up to my partner before we got together, I was like, I don't want to have kids. And my level of commitment is, I'm going to snip
snip
Really? Yes.
Can you imagine
if you reach a point in your life where you have kids for example, and you're married, you're happily married with your spouse and you don't want to have kids anymore. But you don't dare to bring up to your partner that you want to go for a vasectomy or likewise the female equivalent with fallopian tubes with tight tubes or something like that. How miserable must that be.
Yeah. So coming back to communication again, it is from the get go
and also allowing yourself to be yourself and the only way to allow yourself to be yourself with your partner is if you're honest with them and
I think, you know, we've learned so much as well today, not just about you as a person, but in our discussion, you know about being open and honest in a relationship and sharing your past secrets and stories about your access and
all that. So is it safe to conclude that there still has to be a small level of privacy between two people who are in a relationship, but of course with everything else, like the bigger picture things, you know the stuff that is very important for the relationship to move forward, you have to share those things
like I mentioned earlier, so you must remember that you are an individual, you're not just an amalgamation of two people what made the two of you get together in the first place, right, is the individual self that you were right and this individual self that you will want to grow with the relationship, not stagnant because of the relationship and that's where that level of privacy and personal um
individualism becomes highly important. So it's like a balancing act between openness with your partner and privacy. Now, these two things can be intertwined and overlapped, like you can be open with your need for privacy with your partner and so they're like actually actually this thing I'm not comfortable to share with you, this is where because if
you set the base with your partner, right? In terms of the honesty and the openness, you would enable your partner to allow you to be private about certain things without feeling that I am keeping secrets from you. It's just that I am uncomfortable and your partner can only have this understanding about you if you have been honest and upfront with them about everything else, you
summed it up perfectly and hide it back down to the essentials of a relationship. Have you ever thought about being like a counselor or therapist? I mean like I get that vibe a little
bit. I don't know, you know, but like, you know, sometimes I don't know if this is like, you know, you know, asian parents have to praise you for certain things. Sometimes when my dad watched watched my podcast,
what is he saying? Maybe
you should go and try and learn to be a counselor, whatever. I think my heart really makes it so good and I'm just like just a dude with a lot of opinions and
a lot of thoughts and
it's just me and I'm just unorthodox. So I don't know if, I mean, maybe it may
not apply to everyone that doesn't apply to everyone and you know what, I think it worked perfectly for our audience here today. So thank you so much for being open about it, thank you for sharing as well, Once again an update with him in five years, we're looking forward to it. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Men explain and john thank you so much for being here today.
Yes. Thank you Sonia and Team for having me
now. If you like this episode hit the follow button. We drop new episodes every alternate Tuesday on Spotify, Apple podcasts and me listen. Also don't forget follow us at its clarity dot co on instagram and facebook for more content like this and we'll see you next time.