Protective or possessive? — The invisible line in relationships

program to meet up basically. Yes, this is our catch up session, but today's topic is quite juicy. Okay. It's two words that I feel sometimes there would be a bit of like lion's blood in between of being possessive or protective. How did you meet your girlfriend again? Can you share with our, Okay. So we met at this party branch party and I saw her and you're like, damn girl! I got to talk to her. So after some liquid courage, I decided to

talk to her. He means two bottles of champagne. Probably. Yeah. I mean I tried to talk to her, I have sort of like the lines I want to say, but when I met her, like I just couldn't remember any, what were the lines that you prepared? I just want to know? Hey, how do I find you beautiful? Like I'm so cheesy. And what did you, what did you say? Do you want to be friends? You say you want to be friends? Oh yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. And to that. She said okay. Yeah. With a huge question mark.

Oh my gosh, but I'm sure you got lost in her like eyes already. Yeah. Yeah. How long did it take for you to I don't know, ask her out or go for your first official date and stuff like that. It was actually about close to two months through text. We found out that we kind of get along and we click you know you also traveled I think actually because she's not local so we actually met in bali surprisingly we could understand each other's working schedule and how busy we can get.

Is that one of the reasons why things clicked? Because I think in previous experiences we may have dated people that don't really understand the nature of our job and it doesn't mean that the person has to be in the same industry. It can just be someone who is willing to learn more about understand understand more the nature of the job, the people that we meet and the irregular timings that we work, we heard of like opposites attract right? But I've come to know that actually similarities do

play a larger part. Yeah. If you guys share similar hobbies. Yeah, you can you can click together easier two years. It's not very long period of time but it's enough time for us to work out differences apart a few years ago and my mindset now will be different. Like when we look for a partner, we want to look for someone for long term. Like someone I could I see life with, I think we saw each other through some weird stuff as well at one point in time, right?

You know, so when it comes to relationships, there's always that question about boundaries and you know, whether or not you have a partner that is being, you know, understanding and understanding that all crossing that sometimes, have you ever had partner or were you the person in the relationship that might have gotten a bit too overbearing or possessive? Well, I think like boundaries do need to be crossed too, realize like, oh, that's your boundary, you know?

So since young, every time I work after work, I'll have some time to myself to the structure and just chill and clear my mind and reset for the next day. But there was this relationship that the the longest relationship I've had at the sort of initial phase, um my partner could understand the initial phase of your career, of the relationship of the relationship. Okay.

And sort of my career, right? Yeah, that crisscrosses, so I needed my own space, but she couldn't understand why did that sort of set her off when she triggered

that she was a bit triggered. It came to a point where it was like, also if when we are married, you need alone time, you're just going to go somewhere and not come home, and I'm like, and back then I didn't really know how to convey my thoughts, feelings, Yeah, these feelings like like this what I'm telling you now, I just kind of sucked it up and you just decided to stick with it and so we can give in kind of Yeah, but I mean over time I felt like I wasn't truly being myself.

I think it's the kind of situation where you change too much of yourself that you don't recognize yourself anymore to some extent. You're trying to compromise to some extent, understand her. And also like for me personally, I love spending time with my friends. Ah Yeah, yeah, yeah. The best of both worlds to be, if my partner can hang out with my friends, everyone

have fun together. But I mean if if like the lines are clear, it's okay as well, like some people could have a healthy relationship while it's not making friends with each other's friends. Yeah, of course the ideal is like everyone has told me that it's really important. Yes agree. Did you ever have an X Or were you the person that has ever been not okay with your partner having like friends of the opposite sex or attractive friends or wherever,

maybe have you found yourself in that position before? There is especially, it was quite complicated because her senior in school and her used to have a thing. I mean I was insecure and therefore it resulted me like being a bit controlling like okay, you don't stay too long, okay, like can I be there, okay, can

I be there? Or like, I felt a bit better after, she sort of assured me there's nothing and they're not even friends anymore, they're not even talking terms Yeah, so then now that you are obviously you're quite seasoned and you've been doing so many shows and you're more in the public eye now, more than ever um was dating kind of challenging for you because I mean for me, I can share my experiences with you later on as well, and I'm sure you know, some of them, because you've actually met

some of them already, one of them was actually insecure about you.

Yeah, yeah, I don't know if you can get but yeah, I'm sure you will guess, guess it later on, no hard feelings all, no hard feelings, I think it's because the nature of the job in the industry and they're like, oh, you know, you're around all these other eye looking people, like part of why my girlfriend and I no able to understand each other's job scope because like, let's say in the show, I have to date a girl, I have to like marry a girl,

have to kiss a girl, thankfully hasn't happened. Our local scene is quite PG Yeah, you know, there's no tongue. Yeah, yeah, but you know, I think from someone in a very different industry, it's very hard for them to fathom, like how is that going to be a professional offscreen onscreen? you have no feelings after, right, have you ever felt insecure about her, your current girlfriend? Because I mean she's a

beautiful girl. Have you ever felt like, oh my God, I don't know man, like this girl, she has like a Brazilian suitors out there, like why is she going to pick me? Have you ever felt that way? Definitely, definitely. But I think not meeting each other for nine months and still being able to keep the relationship strong has proved significant point in both of us that the foundation is the foundation is there and even if you're separated

you would still commit, you're still committing to this. Really?

That's actually fantastic because this is the first time you did a long distance thing first time ever, I've never done long distance, so I don't know how that feels like it must be nerve racking Yeah, and you might go, you might drive yourself nuts thinking like speculating what could be going on and especially for instagram, a lot of it is to promote our work or update our lives dish, but most of the time if I have to um you know, let's say post a photo of hauling and

I getting married, right, you know, and if she's all the way back in Ukraine, she'll be like, what the hell is this? And thankfully she's met humbling and yeah, and they have um she has a mutual understanding what's going on and she knows what, well speaking of instagram, since we're on that note right now you obviously post a lot more pictures from what we noticed and our stock courage producers that also got all up in Edwin's business just before this episode.

But naturally, no, we've been following each other for a while and you post a lot about your relationship, which is very nice, very refreshing. I just don't feel like there is no need to hide. Yeah, when it comes like it's something fun we're doing together and then we just posted up and share the joy. Nice. Yeah. But is this then different from you previously, would you have posted less about your relationships in the past? Actually I

didn't post anything lesser. Yeah, but I mean I start to draw the line like if it's a stable relationship, I would be okay to go public. Okay then on the flip side, would you hope or expect your partner to post more about you or your relationship? Okay, here here comes like a tricky part because she would she actually post more about us than me. Okay. Yeah, I have yet to give her this talk, you know like about like because this my instagram, it's worked for me. Okay,

you understand? So there has to be like a balance of things, you know, because it's how we want to portray ourselves to everyone else and of course I want to have a balance of like work, leisure and personal lives. So sometimes I feel a bit pressure if she's posting something and I don't really repost it. Yeah, I have yet to have this talk. You heard it here first, the next podcast that explained the follow up

follow up episode just on this topic alone. But you know, I I personally back then when I was dating other people and stuff, I I felt like I didn't really post that much about my relationship, I'm not sure whether it was an industry thing at the point. Also when you know what I mean, Like when you're just starting out, you're like, okay, portray yourself to have this like awesome life. I don't know, I'm single or whatever, maybe to be more appealing to

your audience when we're just starting out. I think we also want to overshare like so much about our personal lives, but that also resulted in quite a bit of fights with some that I've dated before. And then it got me also quite upset when I saw that he posted a lot about his next girlfriend and he didn't post

anything about me. I just felt like was it a reaction like, because I didn't post so much about relationships, so he said, okay, maybe I won't post and then I know it sounds so petty, but like it was just a little post, but it actually sounds like something Yeah, you can actually get some real reaction from it is and then you start thinking like, is my partner not proud of me or my partner right in the world to see that he or she is dating me,

I think because my family surprisingly they'll be like, okay,

don't put so much about your personal life. Okay, So sometimes when I want to share or something that I'm happy to share, I have that thought at the back of my head, like you wish I should hold off, yeah, and then when the time has passed, you know, it will be too late to post and it's like, yep, I said, I know this all sounds like super trivial, but real thoughts sometimes, but actually, I mean, I'm sure people who aren't in the industry have instagram would understand

this feeling as well. That's why I noticed a lot of my friends as well, like who are not in the media industry on social media a lot less now, to be honest, I don't know whether it's like a growing up thing or they're just like, I know I can't be hacked to like share anymore shit about my life like who needs to know this? Maybe that's the reason why I went off instagram for quite a while.

I noticed you're posting a lot less actually not that there's anything wrong with that at all for taking a digital detox and take care of your mental health. So I want to take us back to like the whole personal space and all that as well that we mentioned earlier on, which kind of ties back in quite nicely because now that we also established that you are dating somebody who is very understanding of the industry and all that, what do you guys do for

that quiet time alone? Like off social media, off, you know everything, we just like to concentrate on our own hobbies and we make it a point where when we are sort of dining or chilling together. No phones, that's great.

Yeah. At the start I was the one who tells her like no phones and she respected, but nowadays I have the tendency to look at me and she's like, hey, you're the one who told me during your look sometimes, you know, like waiting for the food arrives and it's like a little bit, but I mean, yeah, I'm kind of a hypocrite in that way, but you know, she would remind me to like, hey, you're the one who

said no phones. So I'm like, ok, no phones and we're just really cute, you just start to talk more and you have a serious conversation, like if you're doing this podcast and I'm always on my phone, you know, it's a bit hard to connect, you won't get paid after this, basically you won't get paid, no, but I think that's great because you know, when you establish those boundaries and you both agree on it, it becomes like a very healthy, like an apology for

us collectively? Right in some ways I think me being on my phone too much was definitely one of the red flags from my ex boyfriends because it's like you're always on instagram like stop obviously when it comes to respecting each other's boundaries, I'm glad that you have found that balance. Have you guys ever thought about anything that, you know, it's related to being insecure setting certain boundaries

or anything like that at all. The boundaries she said for me was to hang like if I hang out too late so far, it kind of works. My friends are also getting older so we don't hang out till so late anymore. Oh my gosh, I feel you do like now it's now that place is closed at 10 30. I'm actually done.

I'm like, okay, I'll go home now and I'm kind of happy because once you go home, you have more time to spend to yourself with your loved ones and Yeah, and just hang out or do something just to does she also like her alone time? Not really. Not really. But she respects that you like your alone time. Yeah, I can't tell her that every saturday it's like poker night with the boys. Okay, She'll leave me to it. Yeah. Just that I don't come

home too late. Yeah. What's your definition of late though and or too drunk, did I just hear that like a side note? Yeah, so I'm just trying to lay that off. Yeah, so, so for me, is that like possessive or not?

I think I think it's protective because ultimately it's advice head just trying to get me to lay out advice actually, you know, the funny thing is I think we've grown up quite a bit in the few years that we've known each other because in the beginning, when, I mean, I think this is also like public knowledge because we used to also post about our parties last time when things were normal and stuff like that. So crazy. Things were crazy. Yeah, it was fun, it was fun times, but you also

kind of grow into a different phase of life. And on that note also related to, let's say when things open up again and you know, we go out partying and stuff like that and she wants to wear like, I don't know, like a hot dress or whatever. Do you feel uncomfortable with stuff like that or do you like my girl is hot,

go for it. Yeah, I think for her she would dress appropriately for the event as well, like if it's like a grand event, she would um go like a full bad bad dress, get something nice and she looked great. Um Maybe initially I feel like, oh wow, that's like, whoa, like if I can't take my eyes off, you know, I think everyone else. Yeah, so I'm really okay with it. Okay, But you will still stay close. I mean I would stay close because she'll be cold

as well. She might be your jacket surprisingly she's in Ukraine. Like a very cool country. But she's really afraid of cold. Yeah. And of course like fend off like other potential. Yeah. But look, this is being protective. I mean those are those are in my head. Those are in my head. It doesn't come out. It would just be like maybe for like a millisecond of that. Is that the deaths there just a little bit just a little bit Actually I've, I've been

on dates with people who are more revealing. Okay. Who were a little less to like the like the club to go to a bar. And at first I was really not used to it because it's I think back then it was not really common. Mm hmm. Here in Singapore. Like to dress too revealing Or like just like a what's that? Like that material you have on your top girlfriend material? Sorry. Nice. Like this semi translucent mash thing. She would just wear like a mesh dress with like

a thong and that's it. And I was really not used to it. And you're like, what do I do with this? How do I? Okay. Right. And I mean people would stare because it's not common anyway. So people would stare out of like okay, surprised, surprised. And so I was a bit but after a while I believe like she could hold her own ground and like, you know, if like people are like harassing her, she'll be able like, hey, yeah, don't stop. This is my private space. Yeah, No, I agree.

I think sometimes it's not so much about like how little you're wearing or whatever. I think, you know, if something makes you feel confident and you like it, then go for it because no matter what you wear, if people are going to harass you, they're going to harass you anyway. Yeah. And kind of girlfriend, she should dress appropriately and I think it's fine. Yeah, I agree.

I think in a way like, like many jobs you reassure your partner as well and this whole idea of reassurance did not come to me like supernaturally. I feel like saying, yeah, I don't know. It's like a thing we have to constantly put an effort to do. I think I was obviously to my access.

I think we've all been through bad times where we reflect after that and we're like, okay, maybe I messed up here and I should have been a bit more like this or that more more tactful and like, you know, you can, for me surprisingly, you know, a lot of the stereotyping would be like, oh girls would want the guys who read their minds and whatnot. Like for me,

I expect like my partner to read my mind. Like, yeah, like when I hang out with friends, like being a guy or girl, like sometimes I get a bit close to them, I would expect them to know that we're just friends right without actually saying it without actually saying I thought like they would know I'm exactly the same. And it resulted in a lot of fights back then for me at least like, hey, where is this coming from? Exactly where it's coming from? I have

no idea. What do you mean? You have no idea. But I think it's part and parcel of growing up of course, you know in relationships. Yeah. So I think that's a fantastic thing as well because sometimes when you're being protective, you cross the line to being possessive and you know, um not one of my proudest moments, but have you ever checked your partner's phones before? Yes, I have you have for a reason or to check something like this.

Um a guy that's been texting her quite a bit as in your current girlfriend, Not sorry you're okay and you should actually ask um what's your relationship? And she wasn't being very upfront about it. So I've heard there's a little stars, you know, and I said okay and they started chatting more like through text. How do you know that they were chatting through text and you know sometimes when you're chilling and notification will pop up man.

You know like your glance over and when I saw her like her phone was there and then the text was like I'm like okay, I cannot resist. Like don't open the next thing again. And I was like yeah you just gotta just kept going and I just want to see, I'm like okay shit, it's actually about nothing. Oh plot twist is about nothing and I just let it rest and I felt really bad that you didn't trust. Yeah, didn't trust I want to break that thing. Yeah. And afterwards,

I mean I did tell her about it. You did. I did. Oh this guy is a keeper. Like he's so honest and more. No, actually I don't like to really keep that because it really makes you feel incompetent self. Yes. And that is a vicious cycle. And then I just had to tell her about it and turns out she checked my phone before too. So we were like, what she looked like, hold on. So she didn't find anything either. Then why did the relationship end? I mean there was

other issues. Things are not just that oh man, that's a tough one. When I got to say, I mean, yes, I have checked like you know my previous partners um text messages before and you know, it was not great. Like this time around my story was uncovered something uncover a shipload of shit. Like seriously, if that's the only thing, it was a shipload of ship. Yeah, it's not a guy that you know though, it was before we became friends so that was that was not pleasant because we were overseas.

It's always, I don't know why. I don't know. You always find out the worst time you're just stuck there. I was stuck there so admittedly I was not like the perfect girlfriend or whatever but you know just so yeah, but I was so distraught to find out about it in Japan on my first ever time that I went to Japan and it was meant to be like a birthday trip but you get that suspicious sort of gut feeling and I've had it for a while like at that point in time right here's the funny part. Okay.

I found out in the middle of the night when we were both asleep but his phone kept going off and I'm such a sensitive sleeper so I cannot fall asleep when the phone is like thinking thinking I was like oh God I want to go shut it off but because I'm an Apple girl and he was enjoying, I was like what the heck how do I how

do I what is this going on? Like you know I had some problems so then I noticed that it was from this girl whose name had popped up a couple of times before, like flashbacks, like all the other times the name popped up is that how they do dramas, like like suddenly realized like I've seen this name and so I couldn't resist. I was like you know what I'm gonna I'm gonna have a look. Okay so and he didn't have a password to his phone.

I didn't trust you. Just feel so bad after I was like, oh my God, he trusted me like that. I opened up the messages and it was not great. Let's just say it was definitely not nothing. Is it like a Jpeg file? No it wasn't, it wasn't a picture. Oh my God you couldn't see he tried to delete the previous oh so the messages like incoherent it was like you know it started from nowhere kind of thing. Right? So out

of rage. I was like pack this ship and then I like then I left so I'm gonna, I'm gonna get a flight out of Japan now. Okay in my mind I was like I took my phone, I want to call one of my best friends at the time whose dad works for an airline. So then I ran out without taking a hotel key. Um and it was winter, it was in the middle of the night, it was in the middle of the night. So I stormed off out of anger thinking of this independent woman like yeah I'm gonna put my own flight

now went down, no jacket, nothing. I was damn piste off. I just ran down and I was like ranting to her on the phone like oh my God this just happened. You won't believe it. She, I think it was like five AM for her or something and she was like, oh my God, okay, like think about it and if you need, I will try to ask my dad to help you so on and so forth. So it's like, yeah, like I'm definitely flying out tomorrow and hang out and like all triumphant. But yes, I'm getting the ship out here.

I realized I have no hotel key, no jacket, nothing. And I had to knock on the hotel door to go back and I was like, I mean, but is he awake? He woke up, he woke up, he woke up, he was like what are you doing like outside? And I was like damn cold. And I was like, oh my God, I need to talk to you like a straight, straight up, told him about it. Yeah. The funny thing is we actually made up after that and until we eventually just happening. Okay. No, I think

we're just at different phases of life. I feel you realize that's so important. Yeah. Yeah. So the problem that I had after that incident in japan was that I had this h and this urge to keep checking but I think because you have a full like sort of like a phobia irish thing that's exactly, you know it's warranted in that sense. I think the problem is like once something like that happens right, like it's going to be very hard to gain your partner's

trust back. But when you know that you are totally crossing the line, like if you check once and like it's nothing, you don't have the urge to check it again, right? Or do you still feel like curious? Maybe it might form into a habit. You know, you check it. That's not really something incredible. But then when it comes again and you want to go and see it, maybe it will become like a common occurrence. But I think thankfully my partner now

she doesn't spy on my phone. Not that I know, I really and I don't, I don't really check on her phone. You know, like sometimes don't really check if I see something on her phone. You would, I would rather ask you to do it behind the back. I know than to sneak around and share because I mean the last time I did it I didn't feel

good about myself. Yeah, I agree. So I don't, I don't want to bring that into the current relationship And I think no matter how the situation is like whether it's considered warranted or not, like you still feel crappy about yourself doing something like that. Like behind your partner's back. Yeah. Yeah. So I think talking about it probably is just solved quite a lot of things. Yeah. To be honest, I'm not like a good talker in a relationship or like across the board. His opening line

was Hi, can we be friends? Yeah, it worked out. See you guys end up together. Yeah. Notes guys take notes. But I guess like you just got to start to talk more about how you really feel okay, moving forward. Is there anything that you wish to work on? Like, in your relationship or all is good? Like for me, when things pop up and work on it, OK, let's cross that bridge when we get there. Like, I mean, if there's not really a huge issue, if there's no issue, like, don't try to find something. Yeah.

Work on. Yeah. Because when you guys fight, does it get explosive or confront each other or it has not happened and I think we would explode her go to emotion is to cry. No, no. Yeah. And I feel really bad. Oh no, no. And you know, like when I see her cry, I generally feel like I'm such an S at that moment. You're like, I am an S. Yeah. And then I'll feel really bad and then we will not talk for a while just to wait for the emotions too. Wayne off. Then we have a more constructive

feedback session. Yeah, feedback sit in this format. Yes. And talk about it in this in this format. I mean, so obviously to wrap things up, you know, we've gotten quite into some personal stories and you know, stuff like that and experiences to do you think that boundaries are necessary? Yes, I think definitely some extent. Yeah, if it's like a valid, I mean, there's no right or wrong boundaries is whether you can accept it or not. True. Yeah.

So if both of you like, like you and your partner could create boundaries and but if you accept it and then it's all good, it's all good. I think this is one of the most like, mature conversations we've ever had. You know, like that we will remember after the influence of caffeine. I wanted to share a little quote actually that we saw

earlier on. This is actually from a professor of sociology and intimacy at a university um dr Jackie Ga, but when it comes to your life as a couple, consider that there are actually three entities involved yourself. I mean the boundaries that you set for yourself, your partner's boundaries, the relationships boundaries as well. And I think these, you know, have to be defined very clearly at the end of the day, which makes

makes a lot of sense. It sounds really simple, but I guess when you get to it, yeah, because everyone has their own like thing going on. Yeah. Yeah. But I mean recently I came across this quote, if you have a daughter for guys, if you have a daughter and your daughter is dating someone like you, would you be happy? Okay, so like, I mean for for women would be like, you know, if your son is dating a woman like you, would you be happy for him?

You know that's a loaded question. So I mean like from from there I would try to like adjust my own expectations and boundaries towards Yeah. Sounds like you're ready to be a dad anytime soon, putting him on the spot right here. Thanks for joining us. And I hope we didn't feel like pressure to answer any personal questions and I'm so glad. Yeah, you need to have some personal conversations with your government after this. Before this right going back and talk

to her about stuff. Thanks for joining us. Thank you for having me. Thanks so much for hanging out with us on this episode of Man explain If you enjoyed it, please hit the follow button. We're on Spotify and apple podcasts also follow at its clarity dot co on instagram and facebook. And tag us as well for more content like this and we'll see you next time.