On the chore war between men and women

Hey, what's up with Sonja? Welcome to yet another episode of Men explain today we have Mr funny guy right here who's making me laugh even before he started talking,

it's government saying hi everybody good to be here. I'm so happy to be here in case you don't know who I am. I'm the guy who plays Portugal in case you're wondering who's Portugal? He's the guy who says hello everybody. My name is in Singapore JB and something about them. Don't pray pray

wow, hearing that in real life it's different. We're all about the chore wars here today. Especially I think for partners who just moved in with each other and all that. Like you were seeking some guidance. Yes,

well you've come to the wrong place. I have to just put it out. Their first title is chore wars but I don't have any wars with with chores and chores or with my wife about chores. I mean there's so many things here and there. I think what you're trying to get is that maybe he doesn't like to do chores at all

actually do you or do you not do you do do you like doing chores?

There's a sense of achievement and gratification if the floor is dirty and dusty, I sweep it or vacuum it mop it dry and I see it's shine.

I can finally see my reflection again. Yeah. Wait what? No. So

I like doing choice because I feel that is achievement at the end, there's a goal at the end and sometimes I kid you not depending on which house I was before there was one house where I had a nice view outside the kitchen window and when I'm washing my dishes, I'm in a trance. Like today I did this and I think I did that, I know life is about and I just go off tangent,

it's almost like a meditative state for it is, it

is, it is for dishwashing.

Okay, But what about other chores?

Other chores? I'm fine with it too. I think maybe because the way I was brought up in the prison and what we're learning a lot of new things from just watched Megamind. So the baby was born in prison if you watched the movie, you know what I'm saying? But my mom who was mostly home, my father was out doing jobs, my mom would give us work to do household chores and there was no ifs and buts about it compared to the school mop the floor. We all

you advantages. I know it's pretty interesting to you because you mentioned earlier that you know chores isn't kind of the thing that you don't fight about even, you don't even have any sort of fights over that. That's why it's funny to know that it is at the top of the list of things couples fight about. Especially I think in this day and age

it's more than finance and extramarital affairs and chewing bubblegum while you're showering, right? You have that. You know, I don't know. Speaking

from experience or know

sometimes you don't like the bubble.

I do not really, really

Is the # one.

Yes. For me, actually, I myself, I'll bring up my own experiences. I think a lot of the fights that I've had with my partner have been over chores, I actually come from background, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna be shy about this. Okay. I don't really do chores. I'm just gonna straight up admit it. I'm gonna

fess up. We're not judging you. We all come from different backgrounds, write some more privilege.

So, so I don't know whether it's not, I'm not from a rich family or anything, but you know, my parents, I think they spoiled me because I'm the only child and then they're like, if I just want a bit about like not wanting to do something like, okay. Like, I don't know, I just like, okay, leave it. You know, daddy's going on there, I don't know whether that's the thing, but possibly possibly. So then when I moved in and started, you know, living more with my current partner, he was

But don't you see that as a bonding time when the two of you are falling close, it could lead to what lovemaking,

what how it's like literally one of my most obviously what

turned the head into lovemaking and then after a while you won't hit the troll anymore. Welcome to psychology

wow. This is what I signed up for. You know, like why go to the counselor when you have a clinic outside basically the same clinic. Okay. Wait. So if you don't fight about chores then what do you guys fight

with? We don't fight about the choice per se, but we fight about the methodology and maybe how for example when I do my dishes, right, I have my own way of doing dishes. But when she does the dishes, she has her own way and that's when we can get into a disagreement and say why are you doing this? And said, well, I think this is quite good. But of course she has some valid reasons to be upset because I used to, I'm in control. Now I have, I'm in control. I used to wash the dishes like there,

running, wasting water? You're doing the dishes, You're putting

dishes there while you're running that. I said, when you come back in one second, it won't

hurt us. So let me guess. She's the kind that likes to soak everything first and then

rinse it off. She will have a little nice ah bucket or something like a plastic plastic trading and then there's water collector, there's soap in there and then dishes go in there. I don't like that because then everything else that wasn't really becomes is infected. Yes. Okay. In this day and age, that's very important to note.

I know this sounds very superficial, but I want my hands to be dry. So I'll wear gloves when I wash the dishes. Okay. Because I'm like, I want my cuticles to get dry? He's just 100% judging right now. Like my cuticles dry out really easily. Okay. I think you don't have to put about that. Have you heard you

heard about the cuticle problems that could arise in?

Oh yeah, yeah, it's a clinic right here. Yeah. I think I just got everything diagnosed during this session

that you can't even walk in the sun because you're my cuticles ok with, you know, buckets of on that

note, I wear gloves when I, when you're doing nothing wrong with that. I think a lot of people actually do that.

Some people do that because they have skin reaction to a detergent.

Yeah. Okay. So in response to that, my boyfriend usually says, you know that because you wear the gloves when you wash your dishes, you can't feel whether the plate is still oily, so you, you you agree why?

It's not to agree. This can't be, I can't disagree because

it's a fact. I try to scrub it as much as I can. Then I wash it off and it looks clean to me. It looks upon touching it dishwashing, dishwashing about feelings. Okay. Okay. So I cannot wear gloves. No. Okay. Here are the top 10 most hated chores. I'm going to state them out and then you tell me what you like and what you don't like. Okay, Okay, cleaning the toilet. Okay. You, I'm okay because I have to because I don't want a dirty toilet. So yeah, but

What? Okay. Clean toilet and laundry, which is worse for you,

wow, That's a tough one. Okay. Did you hear that? I don't mind cleaning the toilet actually because my toilet's not that dirty. It's not that

because cleaning every two hours and you're

like, okay, I'm just waiting. Excellent work. Yes. Yes. And I get paid 10 cents every time when someone comes into Okay, okay, what else, cleaning stove tops and oven and all the kitchen stuff when it

shines when you clean up and it shines.

I'm okay with it. Because like after you cook right, usually a soft top gets a bit greasy and oily. I will want to wipe it off immediately after cooking because they accumulate

after eating or before eating after eating right? So that's not really immediately,

almost immediately rappelling. Technicality. Yes.

Prolong lee immediately. So you're okay with that

dusting I suppose falls in with sweeping and vacuuming vacuuming.

I don't like because of the noise. Okay, sweeping I don't like because the dust just everywhere Dustin is simple works because it just gets on you.

Right? But you actually have to dust sweep then vacuum. Yes, basically going to do the right in that

order. I mean, you know, how does your houses now? But

I mean, you don't want to know mopping.

I love mopping.

You love mopping Okay, What is it like? Do you do like listen to a podcast while you mop or

this podcast? Always looking to this podcast? I know she's trying to

you're saving this

market this podcast. Yeah. No, I think what some people don't understand is that if you play music in the background, it becomes more enjoyable, isn't it?

So you dance. You know, I'm not Tootsie, I actually does a little sometimes

when you're doing what vacuuming.

But how

do you, because your phone is not

like a typical I mean, yeah, like no, no, that's

that's good. Right, that's

good grocery shopping and cooking

cooking. I'm scared because I don't want my family die of food poisoning. But But 2015 January when I left the TV station full time, I had more time at home. So one of the things I wanted to do was to try to cook for them. So I just, I started with soup. Okay, it's just water and you go

wrong, right, boil it, It

was too salty. What?

So was that chicken, salted vegetables,

chicken soup. I put potatoes, carrots and then a lot of chicken in there, which I didn't know you had to the skin because then all the oil gets into the super, I was in Saudi Arabia oil. What the heck is this my wife? How do you cook this? Then I explained to her that she's like, no. So ever since that fateful encounter, I've always referred to Jamie Oliver or was the guy with the angry guy,

Hell's kitchen guy? Gordon Ramsay.

When Ramsay, I watched a youtube how to make a salmon and

usually they give you like quite simple to stand instructions.

So I've learned to cook pasta with mussels with red wine.

Oh wow!

White wine. White wine wine. Wrongly

red wine. Okay. I was just curious to know

and I used people like the whole bottle in. So my wife gets drunk after that.

Alright then she'll be okay to do all the chores. Last other other chores. Yeah. Okay, cleaning windows and other things. Do you have gutters in your house?

There was a time to live in a house where we had a huge garden and they would leave everywhere every day and I just enjoy using a rig just to sweep the leaves into a pile and put in a black plastic bag or bring it to the side and decomposed, decomposed, decomposed, put in a compost pile, decomposed zoo compost in the compost bin.

This is starting to be very intelligent, intelligent podcast. Just like we set it out to be anything that your wife does that you don't like like a pet peeve or something. Aside from the dishwashing thing that you mentioned earlier, this can be even your earlier days.

Yeah, that's that's her pet peeve, My pet peeve of her. Is that when she does her chores, right. She doesn't put back the things where it's supposed to be so like simple, simple thing, basin is there, there's a holder with the sponge for the dishwashing chore. I take it out, I wash dishes, I put it back, I come back the next day, the day after that is always there when she's done the dishes. I can't, it's gone and it's either at the bottom of the basin or somewhere else or is in the other basic.

So when you addressed it, did she change or she continues to know.

No, she she tries. I mean we're all we're all not perfect. We were like, oh yeah, why do you do that? Okay. So, but still once in a while I see a pile of dishes and then the sponges right at the bottom.

To be honest. I think that's jeremy's pet peeve about me as well because I don't do it. Not necessarily the sponge, but other things sometimes. But the vacuum cleaner vacuum, how do you know? God? Like the vacuum cleaner? Sometimes I'm vacuuming like the living and then I leave it there. Leave

it there. My wife does that to

its growth thing. I don't know because vacuum

cleaners, I use the Dyson. Right. Yes. It is chargeable. Yes. If you don't put it back to the charger, it doesn't get charged up. So when I want to use the vacuum that I go to the store and open, there's no where do you go? It's supposed to be charging here. It looks like the household house. Finally find it lying down in the corner under the

bed. Just waiting for someone to find I'm dying. Normal help when I pick

it up and die.

I don't know, man. Leave a comment. Let us know. Do you think it's like a man woman thing. Like I have no clue like whether this because I seem to have, let me ask you a question. Why don't you put it back? I don't know. How many

stories do you have?

Just one live in a small apartment? So I know where it is, what in my mind? I know where it is, but you still don't want to. I mean sometimes I put it back. I tried to I tried because I know that he doesn't like it because

the fact that you say you live in an apartment right at one level, it boggles my mind that you don't want to bring your laundry to the washing machine.

Yeah, it's just, I don't know. I just don't enjoy it necessarily. You know, it's just a personal preference.

You don't like it when the washing machine opens up and it's done and you smell the nice clean, it

smells great. Like I'm like, oh man, this means I have to hang it up. Which is like you see negativity and everything. You know, just some things just like washing the toilet. I said that's true, isn't it? Okay. That's that's a bonus. That's some good ship. That jeremy, you're lucky to have me here.

Right? I mean, yeah, she takes care of your ship.

Yeah, but you know, I'm just, I'm just I just don't want a dirty toilet I think that's the thing that

that grosses you out. So that,

so that motivates you? Yes. that motivates me. So

we should get really jeremy, jeremy, jeremy get her gross laundry. No. Really? Gross hell no. You know when you walk by, just spit on it or just throw some chocolate sauce on the, on the dress and she will not run into the machine. One

100% will not happen. But do you well, do you, have you come across a situation where like maybe even your earlier days when you were dating or whatever, who is the one that has to remind the other a little more when it comes to like doing something? Like, can you do this? Can you wash the dishes? Can you take it out? Who is the one that has to remind the other more? That

will be my wife because reminding you more because I don't want to step into her, her infrastructure, You know what? She has laid out the system and everything. I find that when I do that, I usually sabotage her. So I just sit down there like a good slave. And then when she says, come here you, when I come in my loin cloth and she says do this and oh yeah, today is this day to do this, okay, I'll do it.

So messed up again. So I've been intending

to, yeah, to avoid conflict. I just, you know, I'm just hanging by the side ready on the bench to be called into play on the field. And then when she calls me, hey, can we do the, the laundry today?

Okay. You, can you help me? Okay. That means full time on it. Wow. Actually this. I'm learning a lot of good relationship tips because I think like with a lot of younger couples, we tend to fight about small things sometimes, you know, when you start living together.

Yeah. And I think even as they're dating now before they even married and moved into a house, start talking about these things.

Here's the thing until you move in. A lot of couples who are not married have started to move in together. Like prior to even you and jeremy not married, right? No. Yeah. And some other friends to like they've started and it's the mindset of like, I want to see how this person works out right before actually settling down. But then I think in a more traditional sense, they're like, oh, you just get married and figure it out, just not wrong,

right? If you get the right perspective, these are all small things that you can talk about like the classic, you know, squeeze the toothpaste from the middle or from the end. Which one are you? I am from the bottom and squeeze you in the middle. I just,

just, just squeeze the old, just squeeze wherever it's convenient. So yeah, so jeremy is squeezed from the bottom, right? And I'm just wherever my hand reaches, I squeeze right, but just put it back in the right

place, a next to the vacuum cleaner, it's on the floor,

progress.

But the reason why I brought this up was that, you know, a little tiff like this, all it needs is a little conversation, you know, is it too hard for you to squeeze on the bottom if it is and I'm okay with that. Done no more fights anymore. If you keep bringing it up and hoping that person change, it's just, you know, it's a repeated pattern, repeated behavior then you don't want that,

right? And it becomes the sort of thing where it will bring up other issues that you're unhappy about that you swept under the rug? Yes. Yes. So then do you try to get your kids to do chores and all these kind of things as well as contribute

Well, that's something my wife has taken care of when they were growing up. You know, I would see them, you know doing them whopping or the dishwashing like example now I have an eight year old also now and what happens during dinner is that she is in charge or bring out the plates, the cutlery Zeus and the glasses for drinks for the

family. Okay. Okay. So everyone is designated and given something to do. That makes it easier for any of your kids. Like resist doing chores.

Humans sometimes have bad days and bad day at school, overnight assignment that they couldn't sleep and they only had two hours sleep when they come down to dinner and they're like really grumpy, like I don't need food, I just need to sleep just close one eye line and don't make a big deal out of it. Like I expect you to come, not happy, I don't care. You know, that becomes a whole new problem again and what you can do that for

you, I have some friends who come from very, very strict families, right? I don't know whether, you know, if you're listening in right now, you can relate to that as well. Yeah. Some, some parents obviously they instill an expectation in their kids and then they're all like very strict, very fierce and it becomes a very unhappy sort of thing. And then, you know, you grew up disliking doing all these things right. I think the

key is that from from past experience, I I discovered that if you do the household chores as a couple or as a family, then no one feels like they're being punished, Everyone's in, everyone's doing something, Everyone's contributing. So it's fine. But when the whole family sitting on the sofa and one guy is just doing the laundry or doing and then have to do all this by myself by myself. Yes, there will be them said very sad work with me.

I would say that so far our episodes and our topics have been so different, right? This one it's kind of like a trigger point for a lot of people where they fight over these small things that eventually become like a huge argument that you cannot control. That's a

keyword. You see small things. These are small things. They don't need to be big things that they don't trigger anything.

So in that sense, if you don't fight about trust, I'm sure you still fight about small little things or how she

looks at me and all that. Yeah,

right, Then how do you how do you resolve these arguments? Because it could be applicable to other young couples out there who fight about these small things, right?

I think the fact that you you need to find the space and time distracted from anything else that you can talk without interruptions and then recognize that fight that you're having is not worth its value. When you put it too much value to the fight, then like just washing dishes becomes a huge thing. But it's just washing dishes, it's not life and death. It's nothing to do with our relationship. It's just the way we were

on that note, I mean, we were doing some reading from this psychologist as well that said, you know, sometimes when you fight about these small things, as we have mentioned, right chores, for example, it's never really about the chores or that small issue at that point in time, it shows that maybe perhaps you have a bigger issue at hand, right? It could be it could be the trigger that brings out a lot of these deeper emotions and feelings, right?

If other issues that you really want to handle it, but you don't want to handle it right now. But then because that this is happening, channel it through that place,

Right? Exactly. Yeah. But then, so if that happens, how do you then diffuse that situation? Because it would seem like you might need to go for couples therapy or something, if it goes on for for too long. Right?

I mean, okay. I'm glad you brought it up, couples go for couples therapy. I don't think we should stigmatize it. No, of course not. So if it comes to a point where they find that they cannot every time resolve their issues, then they recognize that that's a good thing because they recognize something else is happening in the back burner. Let's go address that we need a third party to unbiased person to find out what that is and then solve that.

I agree. And in a previous episode that jeremy was actually on, we did mention that we did go for a couple of sessions of therapy together and it's not because like we were on the brink of like breaking up or like you know, it's not that kind of thing, but sometimes you just need some introspection and you want to find out a better way of communicating because we see a bigger future ahead of us, you know what

And it helps so that when the couple goes meet this other counselor with a third party, whatever the party says, it's not, it doesn't seem biased exactly your ideas, but my my idea, it's just this person has an idea that has been tried and tested.

Yes, let's use that. Yes. So which also brings us back to the point where you mentioned sometimes you could both be right, you just see things very differently and that's what I also discovered in those therapy sessions,

partner a lot of times as a couple when we were dating, we talked about our dreams like what you want to be in terms of career in terms of finance, but then the other stuff that we should talk about also, and I think it's helpful when we talk about mundane things like household chores, you know, on a date, you could ask your date, you know, like when you're growing up, what was it like even doing household chores and then you have an understanding of where that person is coming from and likewise

bottom and that's interesting to cancel this person.

But then then then then then that provokes a conversation about what we can do about this would have been an issue. And you know, for all, you know, your partner might say, I don't mind squeezing what? Um

okay, yeah, you just have to separate tubes of toothpaste.

But but the danger in this is that I want to put it out. The disclaimer. Don't make it like an interview. Okay. He has to come out organically. You know, you don't have a list of like so vacuum cleaner. Yeah.

Okay, next toothpaste. Next sponge.

But at the back of your mind, I think the two partners should think about, you know, when when they can sit down and talk and talk about everything and anything under the sun. Don't just talk about the big dreams and big stuff to talk about the small stuff as well.

That helps. It's funny because my partner and I we did an exercise before when we found ourselves fighting about these small things where we wrote down, I might have mentioned this before. We wrote what we like and dislike about each other on a piece of paper. So it's like right there in black and white, you know? And it can be anything like maybe I don't like the

you know, it's good right now and you tell me because a lot of times I think partners don't know what is triggering. You come back from what you're what

did I do wrong? I just came back from I just came

in from the door. The house looks very nice. I came in.

Yeah. And you're greeted with like a storm inside. It's all really interesting because we have many different ways of solving problems and seeing certain things and we all know that it's also going to do with compromising as well in a relationship, especially when you want to live together. Right?

Was? With what? What teamwork makes the dream work? Yeah.

But you mentioned earlier on that you know when you make it sort of like a team effort, it doesn't feel like a chore punishment. Yes. Like a punishment. Okay.

So also for couples with Children, you and Jeremy do chores do together. Yeah. Have fun. Have some fun.

Thank you so much for joining us today. It was a pleasure. And thank you for listening to this episode of Men explain if you like this episode, please hit the follow button. We're on Spotify and Apple and also follow us at its clarity dot com on instagram and facebook. For more content like this, See you next time.

Bye bye.