Are Men Afraid to Date An Independent Women?

would want to have for myself. Yeah, like being independent, I think I am very independent but maybe a different degree of a strong independent woman. You know, I think you, I, I see where you're coming because I do think that I'm a strong independent woman but on some days I just don't want to be like, I just want to be, you know, like the person that needs people to do something for me or it is also a choice like, or your mood,

you know what I mean? So it's not like every second of every waking day I want to be that right. So I suppose more often than not, I would consider myself a strong independent woman. That's, that's pretty much how I make a lot of decisions. It's just that I never really bucketed it into like a label, but if we're going to put a label in it, I guess that's me. Yeah. Well, we're gonna unpack it a little more. Um, John was a little bit like, you know, he had a bit

of a face when you said, yeah. What, what were your thoughts?

And independence in the sense that she is someone that is able to pull together also resources and head space to work out things in her life so that she continues moving forward, right? And without, without overreliance on anyone and people that she picks up along the way in, in fact, rely on her and that's independence. Interesting. Yes, absolutely. So, do

do it by myself and wait for someone to do it. So, in the context of us staying together, the entire process and how it went down really was, uh me sending, going for a viewing, sending them the listing of the house saying this is the house, I'm gonna schedule a viewing for you guys. Let me know your thoughts. They go down for the viewing, they tell me that they're ok and I get all the paperwork done and I say, ok, guys, we're moving in. Nice. You never told me this. Thank

it down, narrow it down. Yeah. So you, you are the person that would, she would just make the final decision, right? Ok. Ok. Well, I think that is a good example of independence, you know, in some ways, but taking you back even further, let's say, you know, um, in terms of earning money and stuff like that, now, I think more so than ever. There are so many more financially independent women than before. And we focus a

lot on that. Like we don't want to just be like, ok, I'll just find a rich husband and rely on, on that guy. Have you ever thought of that or do you have friends who maybe contribute to that? Ok. I think a very common sentiment that I get especially, I don't know if it's accurate to say, but in this uh industry or at least in the social media space, right? And there are a lot of people who will just say things, they say this very lightly. They will be just like you

can just go and get a sugar daddy. Oh, I get that so much. Like people always tell me and I always get D M from people saying they want, they want to be my sugar daddy. What? Oh, you don't? OK. Yeah. Like people are really scared of me or something nice. I wish more people were afraid of me. So, you, you get D MS from sugar daddies? Yeah, a lot actually. Are they cute? I have no idea. They're all anonymous accounts. Nobody would actually show their face.

We're getting a lot of one liners from this episode now. But like for real, so many sugar daddies or people who are in the space also saying that they have a sugar daddy and talking about how it's, it's a very easy life for them because all they have to do is just talk to this person and they give them money, but it is easy money. Right? So it's just, yeah, and I just can't bring myself to do it. And I always tell people, I always say, you know what,

I don't need your money. I rather just on my own. And that's just how I have lived my entire life. From the moment I was like in school, I feel like a lot of it stems from upbringing, having to be by myself a lot or having to rely on myself a lot when I was growing up because uh there, well, when I was growing up financially, I had to save a lot of my own money and work a lot to

pay off school fees, that kind of situation. And I think that was a bit of a training to for my adulthood because now that I'm in adulthood, like I'm still, I still have the same drive of wanting to cover my ass. Yeah, like provide for myself because no one's gonna look after me if I don't do it by myself. So now even when people come to me with uh offers propositions, um I know that I can do it by myself. So there's no much less or I would say no temptation

for me to even consider something like that. Yeah, I 100% feel you. I think it really comes down to how you want to make your honest living as well, how you want to make your money, you know, how you feel about it at the end of the day. But to those people who feel completely fine having a sugar daddy, that's fine as well. That's your choice, you know, and there's no um we're not going to say like what's right or wrong.

I agree. 100%. So John for you like have you ever dated a girl or woman that is like super financially independent? Actually

dynamic because you know, like what you accurately mentioned right? There, there is this, there is this uh societal pressure, you know, for men to be the provider and the women will usually be, be provided for, you know, and so much so that a lot of the times there are people who are afraid of meeting a lady like that because they'll feel like, you know, they are now something about

something from them is being taken away, you know. But for me, I welcome the idea because I think it's really cool. I think people do not give enough credit to women who are more financially independent than their partners because in order to get there, they must have done a few things right in their lives. You know. And like those things are, they're not nothing. You can't just see the end state and be like, wow, this is the person

because they like that. But you discount everything that came before, you know, and, and that's kind of cool. So, like dating someone like that would mean that this person probably has a lot of experience and stories to hear about as well. So a lot more valuable connection and a lot more meaningful conversation can come from that. And I think that's amazing and you don't

then it's ok. Ignore, ignore and pretend that nothing is happening. So, is this what human behavior would just steer to word if there was one partner that's more dominant over the other, would it naturally just result in disloyalty? I don't

So the mere fact that advertising and the stories and narratives that yeah, and everything in pop culture from back in the day mentions about women being the provider at home, in the queen of the kitchen is clearly because that was a time where the dynamic of strong, independent, usually skilled towards the men and the women need to reclaim some form of control and strength by possessing an area that uh somehow stereotypically became not the strong suit of the man. If not, there will be a pure

power imbalance and it would just devolve into chaos. I

feel that intimidated in a sense. I think what they feel felt more would be insecurity because they think like, oh you're going to meet so many like handsome hot men, like in the industry, but a lot of them are gay. So I'm just like, you know, that won't happen. Like,

if you look at the percentage of men in our office. Yeah, same. Right. Exactly. So, in that sense, I think the mindset has shifted, you know, in the recent years and, and when I ask my own partner right now, like, what if I earn more than you? Um, what would happen? He was like, please provide for me. I'm happy he was like, I'm happy to show that, you know, but for like, have you ever dated a man that was intimidated by what you do your success,

for example, your independence. Because I can tell that you are obviously you, you're taking life into your own hands and for sure, you know, I think quite similar to you actually, with your experience in dating, I was very lucky myself that the partners that I've had so far and the people I've gone out with and taken things with a bit further, they've all been pretty much equal as well and they

treat me with respect. And I think it is because the, the sole reason why things could even move further is because they've always treated me with respect. And if anyone even gave me the slightest uh feeling of them thinking that they have to be more powerful than, than me, or they have to earn more than me to feel important then I don't think it, it would have even worked out or have gone very far. So I think we sure we may be lucky to have met people who treat us as equals. But I think it's

also our kind of dating criteria. Right. Yeah, it's our own filter. Maybe it's to get subconscious that we already know what we're looking for and if anyone is the least, um kind of dissatisfied or unhappy about our success, then we wouldn't even consider going out with them. So then comes the next question. Do you think that independence translates into confidence necessarily like an independent person is definitely going to

be confident? No, no, I don't think it's 100% but it definitely helps, or at least for myself, I think that a lot of the reason why I can be confident is because I'm independent and I know that I just need to rely on myself and it's not, I don't need to look for external validation on certain things. I don't need to get people's approval. I don't seek

anyone else's approval apart from my own, right? So then that already makes me feel like I have things in place like I, I've got this control, I'm in control of what whatever I choose to do and that freedom, the freedom of choice, right? Uh makes me feel more confident, but a lot of things I think you're quite

it is very strong, especially when facing problems, right? But if they have all their life, they have been told that they are not good enough, they will never see the merit that they have from their actions. And that's tough. You see? So they may never be confident even though everyone be like, what the heck this person is clearly a star, you know.

entire Singapore education system? But I know, I know, but basically like you finish your O levels and then what you go on to Poly or J C, then you finish Poly, you finish your diploma and you finish your A levels. Then what's next? You go to Uni, right? And then after you are done with uni so many kids just go like, yeah. Yeah. And that's because I think the structure and the way we've been brought up in this system has trained this behavior to always think

that something is waiting for us next. And when we need to make the decisions ourselves, then we realize that we don't know what to do actually, that can apply to relationships as well. Um Because I noticed, and I know I mentioned this on me, explain before because Lord knows my life is an open book ever since we started this podcast. Every single guy that I've dated has and broken up with has gotten married after me. And I always, you know, it always gets me thinking like whether OK,

I definitely consider myself a career driven, independent person. And also it's the way that you are brought up, right? And I also want to support my family. I want to be able to afford a certain life or whatever it is or a future. And I always feel like at some points, I'm not sure whether it's also how I see things that maybe what, what is the next thing that I want to achieve in my career?

And I'm constantly chasing that next career. Yeah, that next career move that I'm not really thinking about my personal life in that sense. And then the guys that I did because they are typically older, they're like, but I want to start a family next. Right. But then I'm never there. You know what I mean? Like, I'm never in that same space. So, do you think

you are just waiting to be there? Because now it, it takes a while before you feel like you are on the same, you are aligned with that expectation of the relationship. Yeah. Exactly. Only when you get there. Which is the, I think I want to settle down with this person. That's when the relationship will move to the next stage, which is conventionally marriage. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we'll see where that goes. I mean, I'm currently still with the same partner ever since we started

this podcast. So please let it be the same,

time is finite. So the end of the day, we only have this amount of time to spend with your work, your friends, your relationships. So there will be a sacrifice somewhere. I think one of the main reasons why I am still single is that I haven't really found someone that has been able to complement my life very well and fit into this routine that I have that is just focusing on work

and, uh, still having supportive relationships. I think you kind of like, depend on each other instead of one, depending more on the other than the other way around,

they match yours. And it is something that I feel a lot of the times when uh strong and independent people try to pursue other things in their life, it is, there's an imbalance, you know, so they are really good in one aspect of their life, which most of the time when it comes to what we value in society would be things like career, but it becomes detrimental to, to other aspects

of their life, like forming meaningful relationships, for example. So one of the things that I've been trying to put an active effort into doing is to live a more sort of like balanced life. So if you are more driven and you have a lot of energy and drive, you know, maybe channel that a little bit into the other aspects of your life so that you're able to more holistically grow into yourself if you are really career driven and then you're able to do really well and

then you push hard and hustle hard. 2030 years later, you're at the top of the corporate ladder, but you cannot form meaningful relationships. How sad is that existence? Yeah,

or whatever, right? I think like one of the things you need to consider, people need to consider for in general is that like, for example, how much priority I place on relationships because you're going to portion 10% of your day to relationships, then don't expect the relationship to match the level of quality as the results you get from your work. So, you know, this is what I am and that's why a balanced life to me right now has been my conclusion of what's the best. Maybe that's

don't want to be half hearted about anything. That's fine.

And I think after I achieve that goal, uh please future me watch this. Once I reach that goal, I know that I will start to rep prioritize my time.

who determines that, right? Like I've seen some incredible artists, you know, transform and evolve and I don't know whether it's because of that, that it puts also some pressure on us in a way that, you know, I have to make sure that I think of my next career move before it's too late. Yeah. Yeah, I, I can see how that, that's a lot of pressure if, as compared to say, someone who is drawing a salary, a fixed salary every, every single month and there's a

job security. Right. Whereas in this space for month to month, year to year, it really does depend on how well that month is. And um I guess that adds to this feeling of I got to keep on my, I got to keep myself on my toes. I gotta keep looking out and just keep working. But um what I hope is that eventually when I reach the goal, my goal, I will be able to reframe and fundamentally, right. I'm a very simple person. I have a very simple lifestyle and simple things. Just keep me satisfied.

I don't need any, anything extravagant in my life. And um when I talk about a house that really just is well, security having a place to call home because right now that's, that's a big gaping hole in my life. I just don't have that. And I think that if I felt secure, then the way I would behave the way I carry myself and way I prioritize my time with them shift accordingly. Yeah. So it should shift. I mean, it should shift in

that sense. But also you want to have the right person to share those experiences with in a sense, right? Do you don't you? I think yes, like if I try and, and visual envision what my ideal relationship would be, right? It really just is one where I am loved and supported by my partner. And uh we both can spend simple day to day life, like routine life together and also experience new things. Just nothing crazy. You know, I don't need uh expensive holidays and I don't need to

be driving an expensive car. It's really just like simple and it's so underrated. Like you just want someone to do life with, you know, that's the thing, right? Like it's in the small things also that you find the greatest joy I personally feel in the sense when you are in a relationship, right? Um Let's talk about reassurance between partners. Let's just say, you know, you end up dating like a super successful high flyer woman. That's

And it's, it's a very simple thing. Uh, for me, I always in relationships, I give my uh partner full reign of her time and basically almost, uh like we're in a relationship but, but we are not uh so much so involved in each other others life that we need to be able to be to everything. Um, but that is the level of trust that I expect her to kind of like, like come back with. So things like, like reassuring me when meeting new people, uh there are different ways that

somebody can do that. So one of the things that I try to do to reassure my partner is to um bring them along for activities and meeting with work friends and stuff like that and, and sort of intermingling friend groups. So I would appreciate if my partner did that and like setting the right boundaries in terms of helping your partner understand what to do and also kind of help them ease into your, your life, your world, you know, is something that I think would reassure men a lot.

I can see how one might feel a little bit less independent, but just because they suddenly have to keep telling someone about what's going on in their lives. And you, especially if you're so used to just going about your day changing your plans as you wish. And then suddenly you've got to fill someone in, I guess the difference is that when you commit to a relationship, there are certain things that you give up and maybe a part of the things that you give up is a bit of your

independence and it's not a bad thing. I feel like it is just being considerate for your partner. It doesn't mean that you need to rely on someone. But what you need now is to be accountable to someone, be thoughtful of the person that you,

earn their trust. And we, a good example is like, for example, with our parents, we will eventually reach a point in our life where they trust us enough that we don't need to account for everything that we

priority in your life. So if you have this understanding and respect for the level of commitment, you would be able to reassure your partner at the, at the level that you can afford to without sacrificing your independence. So I don't necessarily believe that it has to be at the expense of your independence, but in the

as well. If things get a little bit to our hand and this person is asking me for too much, you know, and stuff like that, then you will have to answer the question within yourself, whether this relationship is good for you. You know, it doesn't always have to be emasculating for it to be bad. It may be a dynamic that you can never reassure someone enough. And that is clearly a relationship that is not cut out for

the both of you and that's fine. You know. So I don't think personally I would feel emasculated if I need to be someone that, that needs to be reporting to my partner. In fact, I do not mind reassuring my partner. Uh It's just that if this is taken too far, right? I would feel that instead of being emasculated, I just don't think this person would be good for me regardless of how strong, independent, attractive, whatever they are. Yeah,

Especially if it's in their career, you know, that's not the entirety of their personality, you know, understand that just because someone is hyper successful in one aspect of their life, that does not mean that's the entirety. So don't be intimidated or box them in and just go for it, man.

for a date, something like that. So I think um what it takes patience and um open mindedness and a sense of uh self just being secure about yourself. Yeah. Yeah. Let me tell you this like just a side note. I mean, I think sometimes you find in the simple pleasures like just having a quick coffee or a quick drink in case you know, we've got too busy schedules that can be very fulfilling compared to like we have to do an activity like, yeah, so I I I agree. Thank you

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