Welcome to the Mastering Midlife Podcast, where we talk about all the crazy fun things that happen when you are a midlife mama. I'm your host, Heather London, and let's dig in. Hello, my friends, and welcome to Episode 4 of Mastering Midlife. Today, we're going to be talking about breaking up with your kids. What? Okay, the concept of breaking up with your kids is a thing that I've been thinking about recently, because this happens a couple
times in your life, so not just a one-time thing. So if we can understand it and get good at it, we can make it easier for ourselves. That's the way I think anyway. So I'm going to share it with you. So let me just introduce my boys so that you know know who I'm talking about as you and I kind of further our relationship, if you will. It's like we're dating and you get to know a little bit more about me and I get to know more about you. So I have two boys. Phoenix, who's going to be
20 soon in Santos, who's turning 17 soon. So when it comes to our relationships, they are very different. And if you are a parent of more than one child, you know what I'm talking about, right? Like, and they want, they need to be parented in a different way too, because they're different human beings and they need their own thing. They need something that the other one doesn't, because they are their own person. And so the sooner we understand that, the easier our life is
just in general. But let me give you a little paint a little picture for you of my two boys. So they're amazing human beings. Of course, what mother wouldn't say that, especially on a podcast, but in this case, it's true. They are amazing human beings. So when it comes to breaking up with your kids, here's how they're here's how my kids differ. Phoenix, my older one, he's more of a like an ebb and a flow kind of guy. He's always been more like come here, go way,
come here, go away. So he never he's never had this harsh like I'm breaking up with you. It's more like, yeah, I'm cool. I'm independent. And then it's like, oh, something isn't working. I need your help. Mom, can you help me? Right? It's like, no, no, I'm good. I got this. And then, oh, my gosh, I don't got this. I'm reverting back to being a young child. So that's the fee that
I've been the flow. And then Santos is a little bit different. His Santos is my youngest. And we spent way more time together because I started my own business, which was pre-imposed natal fitness. And because I didn't want somebody else raising my kids, I had child money. So I brought my kids with me, but Phoenix only was there for a little while because he was started school. He was in kindergarten. But Santos, the lucky little guy, he got to hang out with me all day at work. And he
got to hang out with the other kids. So the moms would bring their kids. And Santos would hang out with them. I had child money. And it's super funny because a lot of the kids that came there would say, oh, let's go to Santos's house because they just thought he lived there because every time they came there, Santos was there to play with them. So he made a lot of friends. And he was really good
with the kids for that way. But he and I spent more time together in that sense. And because he has a different personality, it was more of a breaking up with Santos because we spent all the time together. He came to work with me. And then we would go about our day and we would go for runs today. What runs every day like in the stroller and have lunch together and all this stuff. Right? So when it came time for Santos to break up with me, he did it a little differently. He wasn't like
an ebb and a flow in a Camaritan go away. So it was around maybe grade six or seven. So they're in middle school. They're feeling cool. They're feeling themselves. Right. And I remember he kind of sat me down and he goes, mom, like in the sweetest way possible. Mom, I love you. You know, but I'm older now and I think I'm going to be spending more time with my friends and I don't want your feelings to be hurt. But I'm going to be spending more time with my friends. And I was like,
oh, like my heart broke. But I was like, oh my gosh, he's so sweet. Like he is actually caring about my feelings. He's worried about what I'm going to think because he's essentially dumping me for his friends. And I get it. I get it because middle school, that's when you really start to, you know, feel how cool you are and friends are everything, friends are everything. And so he just straight up dumped me, but it was in the kindest way possible. And it's hard because I got dumped and we all
know it's easier when you're doing the dumping. It's always hard to get dumped. And so when I got over it, I was okay. But now they're becoming adults. So almost 20, almost 17. So guess what? They're breaking up with me again. But this time, it's different. It's kind of like maybe like when you're, you know, sign up for that exercise class and you go all the time and you love it and you're so excited. And then over time, you just kind of phase out and lose
interest. And it just peeders off. Like you don't just stop going. You just, it's less and less. And then one day you realize, oh, I just haven't got, I just haven't gone to class in a while. So it just kind of like peeders out slowly over time. That's kind of how it is with them. Big here's why, here's how it's like that for me is because they're besties. Like they do everything together. And so at night, they'll have their movie night. Like they'll hang out together. They watch a certain
type of movie. They get their snacks and they pull the couch up in front of the TV. They do all the things and like I can hear it going on. And I desperately want to join in. Like everything inside of me wants to go running down there and jump on the couch and sit in between the put my arms around and be like, hey guys, what are we watching? What are we eating? What's happening? But I don't. And I resist. Because it's their bonding time. Like it's their special thing that they do.
And I, of course, I feel like sad and left out, but I resist. And it's not like they're leaving me out. It's part of how life goes, right? This is like the second breakup. And it's slow and painful. And so you need to like console yourself with ice cream and lots of self love talk. Maybe that's why we gain weight in my life because of all the breakups, all the ice cream we have to eat. Because of all the times our kids are breaking up with us. So if you have a lot of kids,
it's a lot of breakups. It's a lot of ice cream. But seriously, when I hear them having their time together, it warms my heart because I know that they are just so tight. They're so close. And as a mother, we want that for our kids. We want to know, like it feels really good as a mother knowing that, you know, your son's best friend is sibling because you have that family tie, that family bond and family is everything. Family will always have your back. Family is,
they're the ones you go to when the going gets tough, right? And you're there for them when the going gets tough. And you have the longest history ever with the family because you've known them forever. So it's a, it's a experience for us as mothers. It's a hard tough job to let our kids go again. This is why it's a second breakup, right? So it is our job to acknowledge this and be as graceful as possible. But we sometimes we just want to hold on. Like we really don't want to
let them go for so many reasons, for so many reasons. But I just wanted to let you know that this is going to happen a couple of times. And it's totally normal. Trying to make it personal about you. You haven't done anything wrong. You're not a horrible person. They're not trying to get away from you as a person. But in nature, teenagers are supposed to go out and venture on their own and get out into the big scary world and see what happens. So you want to remind yourself
that this is about them growing up and becoming their own person. And it has nothing to do with you and them wanting to get away from you. Because that makes it feel even worse. It's supposed to happen this way. This is the way that nature has created it. Right? Because remember, I feel like I have an experience that I haven't gotten there yet. But I also feel like there's more breakups to come. Like when they get into their first super serious relationship that lasts for a long time,
that's going to be a breakup, another kind of breakup. And maybe if they have kids, oh my gosh. Like, of course, I'm going to get dumped then too, but it's okay. Because I too dumped my mom like I was dumped. So yes, this is pay back in a way. But it is the way life goes. And for me, I know in order for my kids to have a good life, I need to get broken up with. I need to get dumped a couple of times. So I'm all I'm here for it. But I'm talking about it with you fabulous ladies
because I'm not alone. We're not alone. This is normal. This is how it's supposed to work. We don't have to love it. We just want to get through it as gracefully as possible. And with this little ice cream as possible. It's also I see it as an invitation to start dating yourself. Get to know who you are and what lights you up in this moment because you are not the person you were before you had these beautiful creatures. The experience of being
their mom has totally turned you into a different person. So what you loved before you had kids is not what you're going to love after kids. There might be parts of it. There might be aspects of yourself that's still there that you really like, but you get to totally reinvent yourself here. You get to start dating yourself. Get to know who you are and what lights you up. It's time to start putting yourself first. And that, my friends, is a totally different podcast. So stay tuned.
Thanks for listening. Always, always, always love yourself first and have an amazing day.