Therapy Isn't Just for White People

by the name of Kiara Amani. Let me tell you something about this young lady. She's special. This young lady is a graduate from Virginia University of Virginia and now she's an attorney. She also is an entrepreneur and has invented a card game called Like You that can be found in Target and Maliek's books. She also is a talk host on Donna, Mechi and Everyone on kb l L a talk radio. It's a black owned talk radio

station owned by Tavis Smiley. So she's a talk host on the kb l A. And now she's an author and her book is called Therapy Isn't Just for White People.

It's a memoir and it has her own personal experiences growing up and how she dealt with environmental racism, discrimination, and how she was able to steal overcome whatever it was thrown at her to become what and graduate an attorney a UH, an inventor of a card game a car I Like you, that's right, an entrepreneur, a talk radio host on k b l A, and now on an author. So we hosted her at Malik's Books on August at UH that's a that's a Saturday August Third

Team at two o'clock. We're hosting her at Malik's Books. And we also have another talk radio host named dominqing the preimu, who's going to be the moderator, who's gonna be the our guest hosts who are going to interview her about her new book, Therapy Isn't Just For White People. So I had a chance to interview her about this timely book. This slated to be released on August nine, So sit back and enjoy Episode thirty four. Therapy Isn't

Just for White People? Available when released at Malik Books on August nine, and in person interview taking place at Malik Books August thirteen at two o'clock. So enjoy the episode. My guest today is Kiary Money and she has a new book out called Therapy Isn't Just for White People? And that brings me to my first question. Why did you say therapy isn't just for white people? Is because

Black people don't get therapy. And I think in the Black community, up until very recently, we weren't really talking about mental health. We talked a lot about prayer and being too blessed to be stressed and sucking up your problems and being a strong man or hashtag black girl magic, but we weren't talking about what happens when you bury your emotions? Where do they go? Because they don't just disappear.

And I noticed, just in my community, but just with a lot of my friends too, that there was a lot of trauma. I defined trauma like Dr Anita Phillips, who is an amazing minister and therapist, and she says, trauma is anything that negatively affects the way you see yourself, God, or the world around you. And when you think about trauma that way, we've all experienced a lot of trauma, especially being black in America. And what happens when you experience what I would say are micro trauma is not

like the big traumas that we generally think about. When we think about trauma, we think about death or the KKK, or slavery or some of the terrible things happening in the country. But we also suffer from these micro traumas. Someone telling you you're very articulate for a black person, or you're beautiful for a black girl. What messages is that sending you? Is it telling you that black people are not supposed to be articulate, that black is not beautiful?

And so it's really just recognizing that these micro traumas I add up over time, they can really start to affect us. And for me, I had a lot of anxiety and it wasn't until I went to therapy when I started deconstructing some of these experiences, figuring out, Oh, this didn't come from nowhere, No it didn't. Everything has a pass, it's calls and effect. And you mentioned, um, I the way you talk. Have you heard this experience

um with someone said you're different? Oh? Yeah, I have a whole chapter in the book called you talk like a White girl. And I had to really think critically and break down what that means. What is white sounds like? Is it because the subjects and verbs agree, Is it because of the intonation? Is it because you have an extensive vocabulary? And why would we associate that with the color?

White people do not own language? Now, I'll be honest, now, Uh, typically, if I'm on the phone talking with somebody that said, oh, I think that persons, well, I think that person is black. I think I do it too. I do it too. I think it can actually be very useful to have stereotypes because they're those categorize in our heads as we're

moving quickly throughout the world. But when they're rooted in racism, something like you talk like a white girl, you start to think through just the complexities of what is associated with white? Is why is intellect associated with white? And then we wonder why when we go to job interviews and people are surprised to see you in your black or they're hiring more white people and they see the

black candidate and think they're not as capable. It's because we've been sitting in this narrative that says white is more intellectual, white is more capable, White knows how to handle customers. Black people not believe those deep rooted seeds that we all have have to deal with them ingrams there like that. Um, we second guess ourselves and we doubt ourselves, and it's because of things that we've been

taught to make us feel inferior and less. Then. You know, I was told that if you put five thousand dollars on the table and you put five million on the table, a lot of black people do take the five thousand because they're afraid to take the five million. And that's what what I mean by that is that is that opportunities exist, and oftentimes we don't take the big opportunity. We take the little opportunity, and so therefore we don't reap the bigger big bang for our money, our education,

and so forth, we stay out. A little fish thank you know, you have a fishing its if you put it in the fish tank and it would just swim around that side, you put that same fish tank in a big fish thing, they say the fish still only stage in that same circle. When we have to come out of those boxes and think outside of the box. And I think trauma has a lot to do with it. I didn't get a chance to introduce you, and I want people to know something about you and care the

money is an attorney. See, they need to know that you're a writer and and you host on on the Donnamchi Versus Everybody, which is on kb L, a t radio, And you also are co founder of a game card called Like You. And so I'm sitting by a black woman's Black Girl mannic here. You got your feet in a lock. Now you after Now you just wrote a book on thereby isn't just for white people a menoir, but yourself to a journey of understanding heally, empathy and

self love. So you multitalented, multitasking, and I may I had to make sure I mentioned you know your background because that's very important. I'm just not sitting here talking with someone that ain't don't have married. You got married. And it's so funny I hear people say all the time, like you've accomplished all of these things. So number one, what do you have to complain about? And number two, you can't possibly struggle with anxiety or any mental health issues.

You're highly functioning. And I explained a lot of people who struggle with mental health issues are highly functioning, and sometimes it's a coping mechanism instead of dealing with what's going on inside. You just achieve, achieve, achieve, achieved, because there's this level of excitement that's released every time you achieve a new thing that could get you through the day, as opposed to sitting and dealing with the emotions that

you're struggling with. And there was a young woman, a chesty Chris, who was also an attorney, was also a media personality and also competed in pageants. I used to compete in pageants who just died by suicide recently. She don't from a building, And so many of the articles I read, we're like, why would she do that to herself?

Somebody's like, who was accomplished so much? And I think there's this idea that because you're high achieving or you're able to be high functioning, that you're not dealing with anxiety or you don't have trauma. You just never know what people dealing with. I mean, we just don't think about those things. And you know, you've achieved the normal sail you graduate from with Virginia State VA University, we didn't university jail. Let's get it correct, which that's a

whole other conversation. I have a chapter in my book too, about, you know, just going to a predominantly white school that was built by slaves and having to struggle with what does it mean to go to a school and have these accolades, but also you're still black. I talk about Martis Johnson, who was a student at the University of Virginia.

I'm not sure if any of you have seen the video, but some years ago there's a video of cops banging his head into a sidewalk after he was not admitted into one of the bars, and he's yelling as they're, you know, banging him into the pavement. I go to uv A as if having some level of achievement is supposed to protect you. But when people see you, they're not going to stop and ask you, what's your resume, what's your background? How qualified are you? All they see

is the color of your skin. So a lot of times there's like a false protection we have thinking because we're high achieving that we're different. No, you're not in society. Quickly remind you that you're black, and we can't kept escape. You know who we are. We are who we are, and we have to learn to love who we are and deal with the issues that we have to deal with.

And I think your book is an attempt to address, you know, the fact that we have a lot of trauma and we should talk about some of the things that we can have to you know, overcome it. And I mean, what was your motivation for writing you know, this type of material. So I always knew that I would be a writer. I love writing, It's my first love, I say, but I couldn't see myself telling other people's

stories before I told my own. And in the black community specifically, I don't feel like there are voices out there that are telling people, hey, look at me, I'm high achieving and I'm struggling to So much of what we see is either black people in chains on their way to is in selling drugs, or we see the black girl magic side of it, right, we see the causbies where everything is perfect looking and the family is

perfect looking. What we don't see is a real picture of a real black person moving through the world who may be high functioning but also is dealing with how hard it is to be black in America. And we've been black our whole life. So I mean, I'm sure we can compare stories, um, because you know, and I don't think you know one thing about men. We don't really embrace, you know, going to the doctor, let alone

going to a therapist. I think there's this idea too, because I know several black men in my life who refused to go to therapy. But there's something to be said about are you saying I should go because you think I'm not good enough or un inept I haven't shown up in the world as the father husband that I'm supposed to. It's almost seen as like a like a dig, Oh you need to go to therapy when

it's not a dig. I actually think encouraging someone to break down stereotypes and trauma in their own life is a high form of love because what you're saying is I want to see you as the best version of yourself. But if you are let's say, for example, a father and a husband and your wife says we should go to therapy, I can imagine how a black man might feel. So I'm showing up every day for this family. I'm doing what needs to be done, and you're telling me

I'm not doing a good enough job. Something's wrong, so I need to go fix it when it's not that well, here's the thing, um um. You know, you talk about a lot of different, you know, chapters in your book, and you know, I want to know what is your

favorite chapter in your book and why. I have some chapters where I write about my grandma Connie, who passed away from COVID last year, and I think those are really special, just about her going through the world as a black woman, not having the same access that I had to so many things, and people telling her that she used to talk like a white woman. And I have a story where I talked about how she was looking for a house for her family, for my dad

and his siblings and her husband. And you know, back in the day, you just pick up the phone book, you make a call. The realtor did not know that she was a black woman because it was a phone conversation, so he starts finding houses for her in all white neighborhoods. They ended up being able to rent a beautiful house in an all white neighborhood because he thought she was white. Every time he talked to her, he'd say, Connie, you know, whenever I hear you, all I can think of is

five two eyes of blue. Because she was a short woman, he assumed she was a white woman with blue if and when he finally met her, it was too late. It was too late. And I don't know that he wouldn't have pushed the deal through if he knew that she was black. But it was an all white neighborhood. Because he thought she was white, he was willing to look in spaces where he probably would not have looked

at him. And so just the complexities and being able to talk to my grandparents and especially my grandma because I got so many stories from her right before she passed, a lot of wisdom and elderly. Yeah, yeah, we learned a lot. I know, I learned a lot from my personally,

my grandmother Maleague books. Is this because my grandmother was an entrepreneurs She supported me through selling pies on the street and clandy on the street and sent me money every month so that I can have spending money when I went to USC And so just seeing that for the two and that commitment to for five years because I took me five years a graduate and she, you know, was was so spiritual and so giving. So you know, they called the crew say to praise Scott. So I

learned a lot from you know, my grandmother. Um, but is I think that, you know, women in general have been the backbone of a lot of changes that have come about in these last fifty sixty seventy years. Absolutely. And I learned to you about my great grandma Lizzie, who was a janitor, but she called herself a maid of honor. She was proud to be a janitor because she was able to support her family. But she went

back to college in her late sixties. And just learning stuff like that too, Like, wow, education runs deep in my family, you know. Just knowing that there were people who came before you and you carry their d n A I think can be really powerful, really powerful. And um, I know that one of the chapters that stood out, UM, in your bulk, it's called no You're worth Yes. Oh my gosh. I could go on and on about that

for for a long time. But I've been in so many situations where as a black woman, I found out that I was making less money than a lot of my white counterparts. And at the time, it was infuriating when you learn you're doing the same job as somebody else, showing up handling the same meetings, you have the same crazy boss and they're making a substantial amount more than you.

It's hard to deal with that. And at this stage in my life I realized I had to believe that I was worth asking for the same thing that these white people were asking for, because earlier in my career, i'd say to myself, well, my next job, I'll make sure I negotiate for more. At this point, if I find out that someone who looks different than me is making a lot more, I'm going to bring it up absolutely.

And so did you have anxiety as you thought about approaching uh HR or the boss regarding you doing the same work showing up at the same time getting less paid, because you know, a black woman is a double negative, and it's easier as you get older, I think to be more confident in showing up for yourself. And my mid twenties I was, you know, being told you're just

lucky to be here. So there's that not wanting to mess anything up for people that work in corporate America, I strongly believe a lot of times with white people specifically, the squeaky wheel gets oiled, but with black people, the squeaky wheel gets tossed out. They're like, oh, she's making too much and always replace her, whereas you have a white woman crying in the workplace and she gets whatever

she would. Yeah, So trying to navigate the complexities of that and imagine for I know a lot of people have probably experienced us trying to show up at work every day as the best version of yourself, knowing that the company thinks that you're worth less than the person next to you. It adds up over time, it doesn't and and you know, you can second guess yourself, and you can see yourself as less value. And you know

this all over this country. These are issues that people facing right now that they're getting paid less for the amount of work that they do, and they're showing up every day and working hard already working deality. We helped build a lot of these companies, in these corporations, our talent has been what has is a major part of the achievements of what makes America great is the fact that we have devoted our blood and sweat and helped

make this country great. But the question is have we did We have recent because we got some being there's and we got some millionaires, and some people look at that as a reason to say, oh, you've gotten your do Hey, we're giving you free education. Hey, why are you still complaining that? You know, because we have never been compensated for our true value. And still to this day, there's people who are getting paid far less for doing the same job only because of the color of the skin. Absolutely,

this is our country. We built this country, So take a few crumbs and be happy. Doesn't work, doesn't work. They're just as entitled to every opportunity, every resource, every dollar bill is anybody else in this country. Yeah, absolutely, And I concur with that. I believe that, you know, America is great because of a multitude and and all the people who've lived here. You know, we've come along wait, you know, from shackles, and we got to celebrate, you know,

our achievements. You know, I did my last podcast last week and it was called Wake the f Up and Unite because I feel like unity it's more powerful than atomic bomb. And I feel like, you know, that's the missing link, you know, because we can have great achievements individually, but collectively, we have to find a way to come together and pull the money poor, the resupported intellect and make it a lot easier if he you know, it's like each one teach one and so these are the

things that I think. I think that the two areas that we have to really focus on for real change. And I do believe trauma is a major part because this is why we're not doing those things. I don't believe. I believe because of our trauma ties, because of a lot of different things and a lot of different reasons, we don't work together and unite as we should. Some of us do, but we have to do it on a bigger granted s. And that goes back to that point too. You know, how can you love your neighbor

if you don't love yourself. A lot of people will say the Bible says love your neighbor as yourself, but it means that you have to have self love there first. Why would you think another black person is capable if you internally believe black people aren't as capable. Why would you believe another black person can handle your taxes or run a bookshop? If you don't believe black people can do tax as well, are bad at math, can't do business. So I think we have to really investigate a lot

of the beliefs that we apply to ourselves. If you look in the mirror and you think to yourself, I will never be as good because I'm black. I'm not as smart because I'm black. I'm not as pretty because I'm black. You're then going to project that onto other people. So when you see me, you see me as less smart, you see me as less capable, you see me as less intellectual, not because I am, because that's what you've

been ingrained in your head for so long. Absolutely, and my question did who do you think is responsible to change that view that image? All of us? It's it's a collective. I think we really have to focus on becoming the best versions of ourselves, Believing that we are worthy, believing that we are capable, believing that we can do anything we put our minds too. Because if we start to believe it about ourselves, then we'll start to believe

it about our brothers and sisters. And the people I know that have started going to therapy, as they have started to love themselves more, it's been so much easier for them to love others if they as they've started to judge themselves less, it's been easier for them to judge others less. Real talk, Man, you didn't drop some bombs during this interview. Man, you know you didn't feel my head. I mean you, it's the reason why you don't talk radio. It's a reason why you know, success

is always around the corner for you. You know, you're using all of your skills and tools, and success is not accidents because of hard work, devotion, dedication, belief and you know, forging yourself through whatever the option goes in front of you. And I see why you don't talk radio because you'll draw some jews. I mean, you said a mouthful. You describe your book just so wonderfully, and I know that people want would want to pick it

up the minute you described and talked about it. Your life is filled with a lot of rich stories that can help overcome other and help other people. You know, so I definitely want to appreciate, just tell your appreciate you taking invitation to come on release bookshelf and talking to us about your wonderful book. Therapy isn't just for

white people. I want you to tell the audience, you know, before we close, any additional information um how they can follow up with you and the things that you're doing in order to you know, bring this book and doing all and you know, I like you cards and all the other stuff that you involved in. Thank you. So

I will close with my favorite quote. I think it's a quote that has really shaped a lot of the work that I'm doing, and that quote is the most powerful words in the world besides I Love you or me too. Hearing that somebody else is going through what you've gone through, has experienced what you've experienced, makes you feel like you're not alone. And it's really really hard

to be a great feeling alone. It's hard to do anything when you feel lonely, and so I really hope that people of color, specifically young people will pick up the book and see themselves in it and feel less alone their experiences and know that there is light on the other side of the tunnel. So that's it's really important to me that we continue to talk about our experiences. And you can follow me on Instagram at kr imani Will or go to kr Emani dot com. I'm super excited.

I have an event coming up at your bookstore, Milik Books, Culver, City of August thirteen. Dominique Diprima from kbl A will be hosting and we'll be having a conversation about my upcoming book, so you can find information on the Malik Bookstore website or on my website or my Instagram page. Would love to see there, Would love to see you there. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thanks for listening to Malik's Bookshow with topics on the sholf Our, books, culture

and communities. Be sure to subscribe and leave me a review. Check out my Instagram at Milik Books. See you next time.