#165: Happily Ever Now Perfectly Imperfect with Nanci Reed

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In this episode , I am thrilled to introduce a truly special guest who really embodied the essence of embracing her perfectly imperfect self . We had a conversation about her unique perspectives on how to unburden ourselves from the pursuit of perfectionism . Raise your hand if you're also a perfectionist .

We talked about the liberating ideas that sometimes the impossible can actually become possible when we allow ourselves to be who we are as is , without forcing it to be in a certain way .

So , whether you are a coach struggling with perfectionism or someone who's looking to break free from self-imposed limitations , this episode is packed I repeat , it is packed with insights and inspiration that can really transform the way that you approach and practice your life .

So grab your favorite drink , find a comfortable spot and join us as we explore the power of authenticity , acceptance and the courage to be perfectly imperfect . That's Died In , ok . Welcome to another episode of Make it Visible Package . I am delighted to have a guest with me today , and her name is Nancy Reed .

Nancy is a sacred embodiment coach , author , intuition amplifier and I'm going to ask her about that Pilati instructor and longtime student teacher , facilitator of A Course in Miracle . If you have not read that book , I highly suggest that you do .

Nancy Reed supports successful , empathic and mission-driven women to embrace their perfectly imperfect self with curiosity and gentleness , so that they can learn to trust the wisdom of their soul , living from their dreams and not their perceived limitation , and live there happily ever now and she put it in capital now , and I think it's really something that I resonate a

lot with and I'm really delighted to have her on the show . Welcome , nancy .

It was enjoyable entertainment , and then , as I got older , I recognized actually how much wisdom was in that story and that's why I actually use Alice in Wonderland as sort of an allegory and in my own book Happily Ever Now , that you were talking about as well . And so who am I ?

Well , I am somebody who believes in impossible things , a lot like Alice , and I believe that when you fully believe that nothing gets impossible , you finally understand then what is right and the answer is everything .

So that just opens up all of these possibilities and that it's so tempting to want to believe those perceived limitations because they allow us to fit in the box of this world and to not really stand out , not really shine right .

And I was always somebody who , when I was a little girl and they asked us what our superpower would be if we could have whatever we wanted , I said invisibility , because I didn't want to stand out , I didn't want to be different and I felt different because , even as a very small girl .

I can remember going with my mom into like different places and stores and even one example at an ice cream shop when I was a little girl and I saw this other little girl in her family and I asked my mom , I said , well , why is she so sad ? And she said , but she's not sad , she's having ice cream . I mean , she's probably loving life right now .

And I was like no , no , she's really sad . And I couldn't articulate it , I couldn't explain it . But I could feel people , I could feel places even before I went inside . And so a lot of times , when I was younger especially , I would go into places and immediately look for the exits .

I would just want to know how I could get out , because I would be so overwhelmed by feeling , by emotion , by people's pain , really , and not really knowing where it was coming from , and sort of being like , well , why is this even happening and is this even normal ?

And I can't talk to anybody about this , none of my friends are having conversations about this or anything .

So I just longed to be normal , I longed to be invisible , and I would walk up and down the street in San Francisco I can remember even with my dad holding his hand , and this woman came up to me when I was just probably the sixth or seven and she was like you have this aura , you have this light about you , you're meant to do all these things .

And I was like just a little girl please don't say it too loud , I don't want to be burned at a stake , I don't want to be all this stuff .

So I was so uncomfortable in my own skin and I thought , well , if I could only be invisible , then I could use all of these things that I thought must have had some sort of divine purpose or something , but in a way that I wouldn't be judged and in a way that I wouldn't stand out and that nobody would notice me .

So that was really the beginning of my journey and my story , with looking at how I was able to navigate , feeling all those things , and then , with time and guidance , being able to understand how to ground myself , how to tell what feelings are mine and what belong to others , and knowing how to practice self-care without any sort of guilt , and to really go from

having everything needed to be perfect , me trying so hard to be normal and squelching and dimming all of that light within me , so that nobody else would see it to finally choosing to instead embrace the perfectly imperfect , and that's really been the biggest empowerment and the learning for me .

I'm physically disabled , so I want to look like everybody else . So why can I just be normal and being perfect ? And so there's a lot of the societal beliefs that strives for being perfect , and we see the Barbies movie now , and so I would love to get your perspective on what does it mean to be perfect ?

If you're trying to be perfect , you're trying to manage it , you're trying to control it , you're trying to manipulate it , you're trying to almost , like , brace yourself against the flow of it .

And in my experience , anytime I've tried to force something versus allow it , or anytime I've tried to direct something versus trust trust it just hasn't turned out that well . It's been a big old mess really . I mean in so many different ways , with relationships , with jobs , with all these children like I have a daughter now and same thing .

It's like that there is no perfect .

But when you are looking for the perfectly imperfect , which means that you're willing to be fully present , you're willing to not feel ashamed of those challenges or of those things that maybe don't go your way or quote unquote you know , like that you start to shift from having the belief that everything's happening to you to instead that it's happening for you and

that it's happening for a purpose , even if you can't see it in the moment . You begin to trust that , and when you're embracing the perfectly imperfect , then you're not really listening to that inner perfectionist as much and you're instead turning into the inner voice , to that innate guidance that we all are connected to . There's nothing special about it .

Everyone has that direct channel . It's just having a willingness to look without judgment and to instead invite , like I like to say , kindness and curiosity along your journey .

But I think when it comes to business it's really hard to embracing that imperfect self right , when I put it out into the world I want it to be perfect . I know you have a successful business now and you have your book coming out and we'll talk more about the book .

How did you embrace that imperfection or perfectly imperfect way of just putting yourself out there and see what comes ?

I mean , I can remember like I was so scared at hiding in plain sight , basically in my life , that I can remember going to so many job interviews like after college and I worked in public relations to begin with and whenever they would ask you that question about what is your weakness , and I thought that I was so clever because I always said I'm a

perfectionist , that's my weakness . So really it's not a weakness , it's your strength , because it means all of your workhorse , it means that I will twist myself into a pretzel to make myself be as close to perfect as possible and or die getting there right , and I used to think that was a good thing .

And now I would go back to that very sweet young girl out of college and I would say , oh my , no , that's not the answer that you want to give , because that actually that is a real weakness , because what it means is it's coming from fear , it's coming from the belief that if I can just run as fast as I can , then I can actually get somewhere , rather

than acknowledging that running as fast as I can without being connected to the truth of me . I might as well just be running in place , right , because I'm not going to go anywhere , I'm not going to make any sort of road possible and I'm also not going to be vulnerable in any way , shape or form .

I am going to be this locked up self , basically that is constantly becoming the best chameleon in the world , which is what I was . I mean , I could be the most chameleon-like person that you met , and it was never out of anything nefarious . But I think some people even thought sometimes that I was trying to control them or manipulate them . But it wasn't that .

It was that I'd become so good at adapting to others because I could feel them right . So I used my empath abilities to become whatever I thought that person wanted me to be and that I thought that then I could hide the fact that I wasn't perfect . I could hide the fact that if they really got to know me , they would see what a big old mess I was .

They could see how terrified I was about certain things . I could speak in front of a group of people that I had never met before , but they could see that you put me in a room still with maybe 20 , 30 women that I've never met or that maybe are like at my daughter's school or something like that , and it frees .

And it's like I go into all those old patterns . And so that's the main thing with looking at your perfectionism is to recognize this isn't a cure that I'm talking about . It doesn't mean it goes away . It means that you learn to navigate it differently , because you learn to see it and not judge it .

You recognize it rather than deny it and then , once you recognize it with compassion and with curiosity and with kindness , you invite different possibilities . So now you look at that perfectionism and you go okay , so what was that trying to serve ? How was that trying to protect me ? How was that trying to help me here ?

And when you shift that energy , then all of a sudden you're not judging it anymore , you're not blaming yourself , you're not comparing yourself , you're not shaming yourself , you're not hiding , like in a plain sight , and you're really actually being willing to shine a light upon , like . Okay . So this perfectionism , it showed up .

For this reason , now I wonder if there's another way that I can navigate this without having it to be perfect . So that's where the perfectly imperfect came from me where I was like well , wait a minute , if I shift my intention to perfect imperfection , then I never fail . Actually , I'm always perfectly imperfect .

And what I noticed was that when I became more comfortable and familiar with saying this is me , without defense , without apology , but this is me , this is me , words and all , whatever you want to say it perfectly imperfect that what that did then was it allowed me to show up as that same me , no matter what was happening .

So I actually was able to do all those things that perfectionism made me think was possible , like as far as going through all the stress or the different changes in life and everything that I had tried to do that , and it hadn't really given me any sort of amazing feedback or piece or anything like that .

But what did happen and what did shift everything was when I became the same me , that same perfectly imperfect me . Then things could go crazy outside of me and I didn't take it personally anymore . I showed up with a lighter heart .

I went through it with more of that curiosity and I think that by doing that actually I know by doing that that what I empowered others was to see that if it was possible for me , who had been this lifelong control freak on so many , then maybe it was possible for them to , and maybe it was possible for them to share and shine who they are without first

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So , in terms of vulnerability , what made you decide to write that book ? Can you tell us a little bit about your book ?

So my whole life I'd had this dream of being an author and I actually had gotten approached about gosh maybe almost 10 years ago now , when I lived in Los Angeles by a big name publishing company and they'd seen some of my posts on LinkedIn when I'd written for some other blogs and other things , and they were very impressed and they were like we want to offer

you a book contract . So it's like a dream come true , like fairy godmother moment . Well , my perfectionism talked me out of the contract and I just couldn't get over the fact that they want be oh , my gosh , this is my dream come true . What if I fail ? That can't happen .

So how about I just don't let it happen and then I never have to wonder about if I would have failed or if I could have succeeded ? I mean , it just becomes the amorphous thing where I get to stay safe in my indecision . And that's one of the things about perfectionism that I talk about in my book .

That I feel like a lot of times doesn't get talked about is that there's this mistaken belief , as a perfectionist , that if we can give away our power of decision making , of choice , to someone or something outside of ourselves , then it means we're off the hook for the outcome .

And if we can look at that with compassion and we can look at that with gentleness , like what I talk about , then we can actually heal it and we can approach it more like we went with our best friend coming and telling us this big confession where we can say , it's okay , thank you for telling me that , like wow , that was so vulnerable of you to do .

And we can acknowledge those truth sessions that we have with ourselves . And when we do that then we make it safe to keep going a little bit deeper , a little bit further and again we're demonstrating what's possible for us . Others can see what's possible for them .

So that's what I wanted to show with the book was to say that impossible things can happen , because I have not cured myself of perfectionism , but I have definitely learned to embrace it differently and I have traded my inner perfectionist running the show with embracing my innate guidance and turning into my inner voice .

But what's interesting is that during the course of me actually writing this book , after I had talked myself out of that book contract , I went through a crazy list of impossible things where I lived in Los Angeles and I had moved there as a result of a divorce where I'd been married and got divorced , and I moved to Los Angeles and I wanted a fresh start and

so I had my Pilates business there and I was doing my coaching and my writing and everything like that , and I really still was feeling this energetic tie , though , to my ex-husband , and so , even though I was off dating and he was in another relationship and all his other things were going on , we still had this energetic connection with each other .

And one of the things that had severed our relationship to begin with in our marriage was that when I found out that I didn't think I could have children because I was born with this really rare anatomy issue where I was born with two uteruses and two cervixes and one kidney and no partridge in a pear tree , but again , on the surface I looked totally normal

and you never know , all this was going on inside of me and we were literally like Ken and Barbie as a couple . So nobody had any idea that there was all this angst going on underneath of us and I had to keep that perfectionism up .

But when I really just was very honest with myself about , well , who am I then , if I'm not going to be a mother , and it was like , am I enough ? I don't think so . I can't just be a quote wife Like that wasn't enough for me I'm not saying that for anybody else , but that was where I was , that was my mindset , right .

And so we got divorced and I went and had this other life and I basically decided , basically grieved the experience of being a mother biologically , and I decided that I would have my clients that would be like my family and they'd be like my children and even if they were older than me , that I'd be like their mother , hen , and I would take care of them and

I would focus on using Pilates for rehabilitation and my emotional intelligence , work for my master's degree and all these different things together and offer this really unique service .

Right , yeah , but I kept on having these things where I would literally bump into my ex , like I would be up in the Bay Area visiting family or something like that , and he would have moved on to a different town and yet we would still see each other in , like a grocery store or something like that .

So this kept happening and I was always dating someone else . He was always dating someone else . So then I decided to take a year where I was only going to be in a relationship with myself , and so I was completely single , and that was a big step for me and I wasn't dating anyone and I was just focused really on writing .

And I thought that I was going to be writing this book , that I was still trying to get in contract , and so , you know , I'd gone off and I'd lived in Airbnb and other things and I basically put my Pilates practice on hold , and I just spent a year making amends , looking at all of the unforgiveness in my life and basically going through that list and

realizing that the last one on that list was with my ex , and so I wanted to have that closure , I wanted to have that completion , but I didn't know what that was going to look like , and so I arranged for us to meet up and I was going to tell him all the stuff and everything , and I did , and then I went off and I did my next chapter of writing ,

and you know experiencing all of that , and then we just kept on having these moments , though , of serendipity where we were still connecting , and then it was like , well , I wonder what this is for , and so we thought we could just be friends . So we were friends for a little while and then it turned into more than friends .

And then , lo and behold , I got pregnant and I now have this baby girl and we got remarried , and so that's my impossible thing .

And after having the impossible pregnancy and the impossible birth story of nearly dying and all these other things I talk about in my book too , I just wanted people to know that it is possible , it really is , and while your story might not be the same as mine as far as the form goes , it's the experience of letting yourself believe what's possible and feeling

worthy of that , happily ever now , not after .

Everything else is perfect , and that's what I realized was that I was living this happily ever now and I'd always been attracted to this idea of fairytale and once upon a time and everything like that , but I tried to make it perfect and my life was not perfect , and so when I embraced and said this happily ever now mindset , then everything shifted and so the

relationship came together . The baby was born . I survived all of that somehow , and then I was like , ok , now I'm ready to write my book .

So I started writing my book , basically to keep myself sane during having a newborn , and I didn't really know what I was going to be about exactly .

But I just started writing and writing and writing and over the course of seven years , I had this experience of writing and it was basically my dissertation on healing , and I didn't go back and get my PhD , like I always thought I was going to , and so I thought , well , this is my dissertation instead , and this whole thing , and then , probably about five years

into writing the book and not really making a ton of progress on it , truthfully , I had this meditation experience where , during the meditation , I could see the book and I could literally see the cover and I saw the title there and everything and I was like , oh so the book's already written .

And then it was like it shifted the energy from thinking that I needed to make something brand new and that it needed to be perfect to instead remembering it and accessing that memory any time I was ready . That shifted everything . And then , within two years after that , the book was done , it was edited , it was available and ready to go .

So it really was changing the purpose of it and changing how I approached it as an author . That shifted everything .

And they speak so much about just trusting the process and trusting in that moment and just being in the now . I do believe that there's a lot of people who's going through transition . There's a lot of chaos right now , especially on the news and things . What advice do you have for someone who's maybe going through that journey ?

Looking at it from their perspective where they're stuck , what advice do you have for them ?

mindset of comparison . I mean with social media . How could you not Everyone's just showing you the highlights of their life and to really know that and to know that it's safe to be vulnerable Now , maybe it's not your thing to put yourself on social media and tell your story and trauma vomit or any of that . I'm not talking about that .

But what I'm saying is to find your safe spaces and to look at the language that you use with yourself . So one of the steps with gently overcoming perfectionism for me was when I shifted from saying and I caught myself earlier today saying I think to instead , I know , and energetically .

It is such a huge difference from such a subtle shift that when you're saying I think as a response to somebody asking you , particularly if it's maybe like a nosy question or something you're kind of uncomfortable with or just over people wanting to know in the old days for me it was like when are you going to write your book , because you've been talking about

this thing for seven years , so when's it coming out ?

And I noticed that what I would do , especially if I was wanting people pleasing , especially if I was wanting to kind of manage the situation and be enough for people , so I'd be like , well , I think maybe it will be some point and all this stuff , and I would hem and ha and basically I was responding to their question with a question , because saying , I

think leaves the uncertainty in it and it leaves the invitation for the other person that asked you that question to actually continue asking you and to continue sort of bombarding you and wanting you to get very specific .

But try this out , as weird as it might feel in the beginning , when you shift to saying I know everything changes , people will respect unless they're super weird , they will respect your response because there's a rootedness to it . There's a groundedness , there's a presence to it .

So if I say instead , I know my book is going to be published right on time , if I say that they're going to go , oh , ok , and then move on to the next question . And so when we allow ourselves to express the truth that we know within , without defense , without apology , that is the first step to overcoming perfectionism .

Gently , because now you're not trying to make yourself be perfect , you're not trying to give the perfect response , to manage the room , to figure out now how can I say this in a way that they're going to like it , or that they're going to find it's enough , or that they're not going to ask me anymore , and instead you are being effortlessly you and sharing and

extending the truth of you . So I would definitely say that is a gentle first step that you can take with yourself and something that is very tangible and it might feel weird when you try it on at first , but to see if it's a good fit , if it does awesome . If not , toss it aside and try on something else .

But it's a good place to start from , shifting , I think , to I know I love that .

And that's the connection , and that's really what we're here for is to connect authentically with others and allow them to know it's safe to do the same .

They can find my book at HappilyEverNowBookcom , or they can also look for it on Amazon too , and get to find it there , and that's just come say hi .

Like I am an open book , as you might have guessed , and I really do value these connections and I want anyone to know that it is possible , no matter what you're going through , what your story is , it is possible , it really really is , and I truly believe that for everyone .

One thing I was struggling in my early years in business was finding the right people to connect with . It feels like I was on this entrepreneur journey on my own and sometimes we all just need friends who are able to share our dreams and hopes , someone who can relate to what we're going to do as we grow our business together .

If you are a woman coach who is ready to grow your coaching business and looking for strategies to get seen , get hurt and get higher , I want to invite you to come and find me in our community on Facebook at Get Clients with Storytelling .

This is a community of women coaches who want to grow a coaching business by creating a engaging , visible and authentic content with Storytelling for their business to get more leads and attract more clients . I will see you at Red Dot Mix Tea Party .