And they have one great quality that they see, but then they see something else and they go, oh my God, that's those two things together. That's the sweet spot. That's irresistible. Hey everybody, it's Matthew Hussey with the Love Life Podcast. I am excited to share this clip with you today. Let's get into it. I got a question recently. And I thought I'd bring it to you today because I think it's going to help a lot of people. This person said, I feel stuck.
Last May, I got out of a 10-year relationship I was in since I was 19. I'm doing a lot of self-development, and I found that when it comes to love and dating, people don't seem to be attracted to open... good communication at first. I've been told I get into deep talk really fast but then I keep getting friend zoned by really attractive people because of it.
Wouldn't it be better if I could just be this healthy, communicative, open person and then attract that kind of person? Or are flirting and good communication often at odds? I thought this was a great question because the answer gets to the heart of why so many people do not get the call at the end of a first date. We all have our superpower. the language we know the best and that superpower can be an incredible thing in this woman's case it's her ability to go deep
It's her ability to empathize. It's her ability to be sincere and to have meaningful conversations. But when taken to its extreme, it can become a disadvantage. In her case, you hear she's getting friendzoned by people she's attracted to. I want you, as I start talking in this video, to think, what's the language or the superpower that... I know or have that I can do really, really well? What's that thing for me that comes out when I'm on a date? The problem with having a superpower like that
is that we tend to rely on it, we lean on it, and we can be too much of it. And we forget that for someone to really find us irresistible, they need to see more than one. of these components for her she had good communication but communication isn't the same as attraction communication is understanding someone and being understood attraction
creating desire. She was communicating but not building attraction. There's a principle I want to give you. Contrast creates attraction. When we're one thing, let's say in this case we're able to have these meaningful conversations. But then we can switch gears to something else, perhaps being flirtatious, teasing someone, being playful. All of a sudden, there's a contrast between those two things.
And that contrast is sexy. That contrast is unexpected. That contrast is engaging. It's like having this meaningful conversation with someone, sat at the bar, and then they go to the bathroom. And when they come back, you all of a sudden take them in as a person, as a... romantic interest you see them walking back to the seat and you realize that they're attractive there's something about their figure or the way they're dressed or the way they carry themselves that is attractive
And when they come back to their seat, instead of just re-engaging on a deep and meaningful level, you take a moment just to say to that person, I really like your outfit, by the way. And in that moment,
You're feeding that attraction, not just great communication. It's the same thing as there being, I don't know, a ping pong table in the room and you saying to this person, are you good at ping pong? And they say, yes. And you go, me too we can't play and they say why and you go because we're gonna fight i'm gonna win obviously and then we're gonna argue about it that
moment where you tease them or create a little tension. It's playground stuff, but it works for a reason because it creates this role play that's in a different gear than just sincerity. Now, you wouldn't want to be this all the time because it would be exhausting and it would come across ultimately as insecure. That would be too much. But sprinkled in, it can be very powerful. I call these things unique.
pairings when you have two different qualities that you don't normally find in the same person in the same person So now you have someone who's not just playful, but they can be sincere. You have someone who's not just sexy, but can be intellectual. You have someone who is not just deep and meaningful, but can tease you five minutes later unique pairings are what make us think i need to be around this person they're you know at the extreme they make us feel like someone is irreplaceable
If you've had an ex in your life that you struggled to get over, my guess is they had certain unique pairings that you felt would be difficult to replace in somebody else. Well, that's actually the effect we want to have when we're dating is that someone meets us and they have one great quality that they see, but then they see something else and they go, oh my God, that's...
Those two things together, that's the sweet spot. That's irresistible. I remember Jameson telling me a story of when he first realized that he liked me. Not just as someone he worked with, but as an actual friend. end.
We were on a plane on the way back from Seattle to LA. We were sat in the emergency row on the plane, but he was sat in a seat that didn't have any room in front of him. And I was sat in a seat where strangely there was no... seat in front of mine so i had not just a bit more leg room but double the leg room and at a certain point on the journey i was on my laptop working and i just shot him a little look and i went
So hard to concentrate with all of this legroom. And I said it completely deadpan. And he laughed. And I forgot this moment. This wasn't obviously like a big moment for me. I forgot it completely. But the reason I know the story is because years later, he told me this story as a moment where he realized, A, oh, he's funny, and B, we're going to be friends. Now, think about it. It's not like I suddenly had to be a jokester the whole way back. It was just a moment that appeared in contrast to...
the quite serious person that he had seen up there on stage being a professional, now he got to see a different side of me and that highlighted a unique pairing. Now some people will listen to this and they'll think... This sounds like so much work. I have to be all these different things. And some people will even say, I have to be things I'm not. Firstly, I want to challenge the idea that you're not these multifaceted things. We all have these parts.
If you don't associate with being sexy, or have you ever been turned on, then you have sexuality. And if you have sexuality, you can be sexy. Have you ever had a funny thought? Have you ever made your best friend laugh? then you have a sense of humour. A lot of the time, what we think we don't have are just muscles we've never worked. And we overdevelop the muscles that we're most comfortable with. And to the point of...
well, it's just so much work having to do all of this. It's not. You don't have to be all of these things all of the time. There are certain things we want to be as much of the time as possible, like... kind and compassionate, just a genuine, authentic person. But there are other things like being funny or flirtatious or teasing, creating tension, sexuality that...
They're like seasoning. We just add a little bit here and there, and a little bit is enough. It's almost like just showing that we can be that thing. that you have a playful moment with someone and someone goes, oh, they can be playful. You show a little moment of... You give someone a compliment in a flirtatious way and they realise, oh, they can be sexual, they can be flirtatious. It's just showing someone we can go to that beat.
and that we don't keep going to the same beat all the time so unique pairings are the answer to how to get that phone call after a date. How do you keep someone wanting more? How do you make them want to go from date two to date three to date four to date 10? And ultimately, I believe that the people we end up marrying are the people that we see as having a... collection of unique pairings that we never want to give up.
Thanks for listening, everybody. Before you go, if you haven't already watched my masterclass, my free masterclass, Dating With Results, go check it out. It is a one hour free training, my most popular free training. of all time. Over a million people have now been through this. That's literally over a million people have now been through this.
And if you haven't seen it, it is packed with advice on how you can start making real progress in your love life this year. Go over to datingwithresults.com to watch that. right now as I said it's completely free you can be watching it in the next 30 seconds and you're missing out if you don't see it so go to datingwithresults.com I'll see you in the next episode Be well and love life.