A widow loses so much more than a husband , and that's something that most people don't see . There are so many layers of grief for a widow . It's not just about losing a spouse . We're losing a whole way of life . We're losing all of our plans for the future and we're losing a version of ourselves that will never get back .
Usually , when you decide to make a change and say goodbye to something , there's something new and exciting to look forward to in its place , like saying goodbye to your trusty old car for a shiny new one , or saying goodbye to your hometown to welcome new adventures in a new city , and sometimes saying goodbye to a former version of yourself and hello to a new
mindset and a more confident you . The difference here is that we didn't choose these losses . These losses are more profound because they came at the price of a life .
Everything that you ever knew about your life changes , especially who you are , but it doesn't mean we can't still look forward to the future , look forward to change , look forward to good things happening in our lives . Grief clouds our judgment and sometimes we hold on to that grief because we feel guilty moving forward without our person .
Our person is not going to be there to support us through these changes , and they're not going to see the outcome . After my husband , tom , died , I questioned everything who I was as a wife , a mother , a friend , everything but especially as a wife .
And if you've been listening , you've heard me say that I found out my husband was having an affair just six months before he died , and even though I decided to stay with him , I hadn't forgiven him . We still argued about it and I still held it over his head , and we never discussed the reasoning for it or tried to resolve any issues that we may have had .
I just didn't want another failed marriage and in my head I knew Tom having an affair was all my fault . Somehow I was the blame . If I could just be a better wife , it would be fine , of course . For me , being a better wife meant doing exactly what was best for Tom and not for me .
And after Tom died , I regretted not having that real conversation , the one that we needed to move past the affair like we should have . So , as a widow , I looked back on my marriage and my life and , even though I didn't want to say goodbye to Tom , I thought I no longer have to worry about being a perfect wife .
It almost seemed like a relief , until one day I was forced to take a good long look at myself . My guilt surrounding Tom's death was really getting to me . Why wasn't I there when he died ? What did I do wrong as a wife ? Why did I constantly blame myself for everything that went wrong ? I had to look at who I was before Tom .
With Tom and after Tom , I chose to go down a path of self-discovery and was faced with a version of myself that was angry , abandoned , neglected , overlooked , mistreated , unworthy and never good enough . And , to my surprise , who I was had nothing to do with Tom .
That is why I say to you , my friend this widowhood journey is all about you , not the person you lost . Just as I've accepted the loss of my husband , tom , I've accepted the loss of who I was in my old life . I'm never going to get that person back , and I'm okay with it . I don't want to be her anymore .
This new version of me is much more confident and stronger , even though I can still fall back into old patterns sometimes , but at least I acknowledge it and I'm working on it . I will be the first person to admit that I'm not perfect .
I make a lot of mistakes and I may not even be the best widow example , but I'm continuously working on the person that I want to be . It's been a rough transition and I still have a ways to go . That's okay , because , after all , love is not dead . Just my husband , thank you .