A Widow's Leap Into Love Part 2

Two years ago , I was in my I want nothing like my husband's stage , which basically meant I was trying to figure out my type , and during this time , I was throwing caution to the wind . I was letting go of the list of characteristics that I was looking for because I felt like I was just being too picky and not giving anyone a chance .

So , like every other tating story these days , it starts with I met a guy online . Now , looking back , he was a walking red flag , and when I say that it doesn't mean that he was a bad guy , I mean we all have our shit right . He just wasn't the right guy for me and I wasn't seeing the signs .

Well , let me rephrase that I was totally seeing the signs but completely ignoring them . I also didn't have any boundaries at all . So what did I do ? I went along with everything he said . Now , part of me Yuli didn't know what I wanted .

So trying something somebody else's way really didn't seem like a bad idea at the time , but it was like I was a glutton for punishment .

I totally turned into that girl that thought that that guy would eventually want her , and I bet you didn't think that this is where this story was going and I bet you didn't think that I was going to admit to any of this . But it gets better or worse depending on how you see it .

This relationship went off and on for about a year and a half and nowadays what happened is referred to as a situation ship or friends with benefits . In my mind it was a relationship because when we were together on a consistent basis I wasn't with anyone else and he would say that he wasn't seeing anyone else either , which I'm sure was a lie .

But in my mind I also refused to believe that he didn't have any feelings for me at all . But in reality I was a placeholder . I don't think he wanted to end things because he was getting exactly what he wanted when he wanted it . I also didn't want to end things because , honestly , I completely lacked self respect to walk away .

Also , it would hurt more if it was over . So I kept going back . I went back . Every single time he told me he didn't want a relationship . Even when he told me he met someone else and then called me a week later because it didn't work out . Even when he said he wanted to see me after he moved . And didn't Even when he invited me on a trip .

And even most recently , just a few weeks ago , I even thought somewhere in my delusional mind that my cancer diagnosis would make him change his mind about me , like somehow knowing that , my lifetime being limited , in some way he would want to spend the remaining of it with me . He would realize how wonderful I am and know that this is his last chance .

It would be a magical fairytale come true and I would get my happily . Even after he even made my top priority list of people to tell about my cancer diagnosis , I didn't want him to see it on social media and be upset by the news and me not tell him first . Here I am with a terminal cancer diagnosis and I'm thinking about his feelings .

And when I talked to him he did seem appreciative of the call and sincerely sorry for what was happening to me . But in the end , not once did he say is there anything I can do for you . I hung up the call in tears because I felt like he just didn't care , like I absolutely meant nothing to him after all this time .

And I didn't hear from him since , which was quite the disappointment , until I got that Merry Christmas text message and we had a short phone call . Then again , after that , there was another text on New Year's Day , 30 minutes after the New Year . He must still be thinking about me , right ? There may be a chance , right ? So what do I do ?

I call him , of course , and it was a great conversation , and in the end we made plans for him to come visit . And just a few days before the visit there was the text message that I was dreading he's not coming . But only is he not coming , he's met someone . So what do I do ? I call him , of course .

Like , seeing the text message that he met someone wasn't awful enough . I needed to hear it too . I needed to hear that he just met someone and that he doesn't even know if he really likes her yet , but he thinks he should give it a chance and he wants to stop doing friends with benefits . But what about me ? I can't be more than friends with benefits .

I don't even get a fucking chance now that he's ready to have something more serious . So what do I do ?

Like a desperate person wanting to be loved , I am pleading my case like he is the last man on earth . How pathetic is that . How did I become that person ? Why did I ever think that I loved this man ? How did I not see it ? How did I become so desperate for love ? So the question is what's love got to do with it ?

What's love but a second hand emotion ? What I've experienced for the past two years was not love , but most of all , it wasn't love for myself . But as much as I've worked through my grief and facing things from my past , dating is just not an aspect of my life that I really focused on or gave enough effort .

And now , with this stupid cancer diagnosis , I feel like I've been wasting the past couple years of my life not taking dating seriously , and I probably shouldn't say wasted , because I mean there was definitely a lesson learned from it .

I wasn't loving myself enough for anyone else to love me , I wasn't treating myself the way that I wanted to be treated and I absolutely didn't set any boundaries for me to be treated with respect . And I'm also not going to blame all the fall on this person . I take full responsibility in my decisions to keep going back . I think about dating now .

But how fair is it for me to be on a dating app in my condition who wants to date someone with stage four cancer and not knowing how many years I may have left ? Not to mention weekly treatments that make me tired and I don't want to do anything half the time I'm going to say and go for it , and I really do want companionship .

I do want to be comforted in the ways that you can only find with a partner and , ultimately , I don't want to die alone . So good thing I still believe in fairytales and I do love a good happy ending or a good comeback story . And what's that quote ? You haven't even met all the people yet who are going to love you .

That sure would be nice , because I truly want to believe with all my heart that love is not dead . It's my husband .