When No One Understands: Reducing Shame and Isolation

The minute we start breaking down the barriers of isolation , the minute we start sharing our stories and connecting with each other , the shame it just melts away . And you know , I think one thing I've learned in the last few years is that guilt and shame are actually different . Guilt is I did something bad , right , and I feel bad about that .

Shame is actually I am bad , and if you think about your fertility journey , it is so incredibly insidious , but most of us experience some level of shame regarding this process .

And so let's see what we can do to think about the situations that we encounter when we feel that nobody truly understands us , to take a step back , figure out ways to bust some myths , figure out ways to connect with one another and , at the end , my hope is to give you some useful thoughts that you can use that will help you in this way in the world ,

to feel less alone and , like I said before , to really melt away the shame . So what are some situations that we encounter when we feel nobody understands us ? I would say the most common situation that I encounter in my coaching practice with my clients is when a friend a fertile myrtle friend just announces a pregnancy .

And I think it's so very hard to know what to do with this , because if a person has never struggled with infertility , they may not even have a concept that there are people out there in the world who are dealing with this , who might not receive that news as easily as other people .

And on the other side of it , the person who has infertility who is listening it's not out of malice , but it's just . It can be so very triggering to know what to do with that and then to know how to interact with that person . Right , that's the tricky part .

So you know , I would say , when friends get pregnant easily and announce that pregnancy , it can be super , super hard and it really can feel like no one understands , because you're like this person we've been friends since we were 12 , you know , and I can't share this with her and I can't get her and she can't get me and how are we going to navigate this

right ? So that's one situation . Another situation is when work makes assumptions about you . You know , maybe you've shared a little bit that you're trying to get pregnant and that you are , you know , needing certain accommodations for appointments and such , and so people maybe know a little bit .

And when people just make assumptions about your time like , oh , my kids have such and such and you know , can you just cover this shift because you know kids stuff or whatever it is , it's almost like there's this hierarchy of time and that people who have children , that their time is valued more highly than people who don't have children and that you know ,

especially like in my world , where 90% of my clients are physicians people just make assumptions that people without children can just pick up a slack because they have nothing that's as equally demanding of their time , and that's just not true . You know many of my clients say , listen , I've got IVF , I've got stuff to do .

Not that everyone has that response ready to go or feels comfortable sharing , but it's like we all have important things to do and I think that when work makes certain assumptions , especially in situations where maybe it's our boss or maybe they have feelings about this or they want to talk about it .

Really being able to set appropriate boundaries is helpful , but then also knowing that , unfortunately , there are other people experiencing these same things and so it's not just you . It's absolutely horrible , but it is not just you and you make sense for feeling this way . Maybe it's like acquaintances who are just like you know , making chit chat .

Maybe you run into somebody you haven't seen since high school and they're just like going on and on and on about you know , their three children and their activities . Or we talked about this a little bit in one of our support groups a few weeks ago .

That like sometimes there's this like mom identity thing where you know people are just like , oh , my gosh , I'm so tired . Well , it's because I'm a mom , right . Or then there's this like oh , but you would never understand , because you don't have kids , or your time is all your own , or whatever people say .

People are like over-identifying with being moms and they use that to like whatever their story about victimhood is or whatever they don't like about their own current lives right now . They project that onto other people and there's this like othering that happens .

You know it's like mom , not mom people in two different categories and that I mean that is so ridiculous . We're all human beings . But I think that it can further exacerbate the feeling of like wait , this person thinks that I can't be exhausted or tired because I don't have a child living in my home .

That's just completely different and I want to break that apart . Maybe it's a partner who is maybe like over trusting in the process . Like you know , I see this dynamic frequently in my heteronormative couples , where the female is , like you know , so organized and on it with the testing and the process and all the appointments and all of that .

You know , even like when to have intercourse . You know women generally know when they're ovulating if that's part of your story but , you know , say the husband is like , relax , it'll happen what it'll happen .

And you know , just don't take this so seriously it's because you're so stressed or whatever people say like , and I think part of it is like , well , if my spouse is my best friend , and like how , like , how can they see me and understand me when I'm doing everything in my power to make this happen ? And they just like they're so chill about it .

Like I don't know about you , but like if anybody ever tells me to chill or relax , I like seriously want to physically harm them because I'm like don't you tell me to relax ? Like I'm the one holding up this universe over here , you know .

So that's just a little personal anecdote , but I think that , um , really , just feeling seen by your partner and feeling seen by you know other people who are going through this process , it does take planning , it does take effort , not that we can't do things for stress reduction in the meantime , but I think when one person is like kind of like involved to a

great extent and the other person is not really taking part in that , that can really add to these struggles . And then another thing is social media . You know everybody and their brother is posting kid pictures or pregnancy announcements , or like I call it the 5% , you know , the top 5% that people want highlighted about their lives .

And I don't know I mean I really really struggle with this because I play this game with my sister it's like what I would post on social media and what I'm actually thinking or feeling right now , you know , and it's like that discrepancy is so great .

So much of the time I mean nobody posts themselves like cleaning a toilet or doing something that's like undesirable . I mean nobody posts themselves like cleaning a toilet or doing something that's like undesirable .

Similarly , nobody posts , for the most part , about infertility , and you know going to appointments and you know dealing with the uncertainty and having a large part of their bank account taken from .

You know treatments that are very costly , and it's just , it's one of those things where I think social media exacerbates these differences between people and it's the people who aren't posting who are having miscarriages and infertility . And that's one in six , right Like that's one in six couples , and even one in four female physicians who's going through this .

You know , partly because training's so long , but it's just one of those things where it's like why can't we just turn off or turn down or contain the social media for a little bit ? Because , like I said before , it just adds to that othering , it highlights the lack or what we don't have , what we want , and it makes things more painful .

You know , I actually saw on Peloton . I was very excited . I actually got a Peloton bike not too long ago and so I'm now finally like getting into the I guess the craze and they actually have a filter where , if you do not want to see classes on , like you know , like motherhood or pregnancy or anything like that .

You can actually specifically ask not to see that . So I'm I'm sharing this as a public service announcement . Maybe if you joined Peloton when it was , like you know , first coming out and , like you know , even cooler than it is now , it might be more novel . I think that you know I didn't . I actually I did sort of delve in it a few years ago .

I didn't see that then , but now I see it now and I'm just really , really happy that companies are recognizing that you know , being exposed to these things , like almost without your will , that that can be very triggering , and that there are ways to take back that agency . So I think we need more of that .

Like more gosh , like big brother monitors us like constantly , you know , wouldn't it be great if we could use that to our advantage , where we weren't being flooded with images of , like , pregnant people and baby supplies and all those sorts of things ?

So you know all these situations with friends , family , colleagues , acquaintances , you know , social media , your partner , like it's just sometimes it can just feel like we're bombarded with not being seen and not being understood .

And you know , I know we all have different personalities , but one of the things that bothers me the most in my life and maybe it's my own core wounds or things like that but it's like , you know , when I am feeling a certain way and somebody does not honor that , see that , recognize that , and I feel just like invisible or I don't know if incapable is the

right word here , but like invisible alone , like somebody , like there's no way that somebody can share in that with me , because they're like missing the mark , and not only have I been missing the mark , they're like missing me , right ?

So part of it is , you know , learning how to express ourselves in a way that maybe people can understand , and that's vulnerability . But then part of it also is finding your tribe , meeting with people who actually do walk those same steps and experience those same things , and , you know , coming up with solutions , creative solutions together .

Like what do you do when your boss corners you in a room and you know just spews all this vile about anti-infertility treatments ? Like what do you do when that happens ? Like sometimes it really takes other people who have experienced that as well to give some suggestions and to offer support .

So my first suggestion for when you feel alone on the fertility journey is to own your experience , to name it , to validate it . So I call this the it makes sense list . So it makes sense that I feel othered at work when all of my colleagues have kids and I don't . And write it down .

Like you know , if you're a client of mine , you know I'm like I get the look and I'm like write that down , that made a lot of sense . Write it down , you know . It makes sense that it's , you know , halloween and I'm on social media and all I like .

I'm just like nauseous overseeing all these people in their , like , kid costume photos or maybe it's like the first day of school and that's very triggering to like .

It makes sense that this bothers me and I feel off kilter , you know , even when other people say I should just be able to handle it and suck it up , or even when other people say I should just be able to handle it and suck it up .

It makes sense that the fertility process is consuming a lot of my thoughts and my energy right now and I don't have a lot of energy for other things . It makes sense that I'm jealous of my closest grade school friend who had three children without even really thinking about it . Or maybe resentful Resentment and jealousy are actually very close .

If you , it's just sort of a side recommendation . Brene Brown's Atlas of the Heart book is a wonderful resource . It is a book . It's not like a sit down fiction . Read it on the beach book .

It's a book about how we can find vocabulary for our feelings and when we can be more specific about how we're feeling , then we can actually then share that with another person . And so what I learned from that book is that resentment is actually a form of jealousy , and once I realized that it kind of helped me navigate my relationships a little bit better .

So the it makes sense lists , right , like , and just keep going like as many things as you can write down . Like it makes sense that you know I'm angry , that I'm putting my dream vacation on hold until I get through this IVF cycle . It makes sense that like , on and on and on and on , like when we can validate ourselves .

I think part of the painful part about not feeling seen by another person is that we want somebody to see us and honor our experience . Sometimes we really struggle to validate ourselves and see ourselves . So this is really the starting place of that validation is we validate ourselves and see ourselves .

So this is really the starting place of that validation is we validate ourselves , we see ourselves , we tell ourselves we make sense because we do . And then from that self-confidence and that awareness of who we are and that you know , that sort of Glennon Doyle talks about this all the time . Like you know , I'm just always trying to prove that I'm not crazy .

This is not about like begging or proving or anything like that . This is really about showing ourselves that we make sense . And that then becomes the springboard for the next step , which is honoring our feelings . So I guess we got a little preview in there with the Brene Brown book .

But the next step after validating ourselves is to honor our feelings . And you know , I used to think that we feel like one strong feeling at a time and then , once that passes , then we feel another feeling and sometimes that's just dictated by the external circumstances . We're kind of just like floating on these clouds of feelings .

Now I was working with a therapist a few years back who actually worked with kids a lot , and from her work with children she said the term double dip feeling and I was like what is a double dip feeling . And she said a double dip feeling is when it's kind of like having two scoops of ice cream at the same time .

That may seem contradictory but in fact it actually makes sense because in the human experience we might be feeling at the same time tired and hopeful , and frustrated and anxious and , you know , hopeful .

I don't know if I said hopeful before , but , like you know , there's a whole sort of spectrum of feelings that we can feel at the same time because a part of us is feeling a certain way right , this comes from the internal family system stuff where a part of me is feeling joyful , a part of me is feeling sad , a part of me is feeling angry , a part of

me is feeling apprehensive and when we can understand that , you know , not even just like double dip feelings , but we can have , like , whatever those . I'm from Vermont , so I think about that like Ben and Jerry's , like sort of trough of ice cream that they used to sell it , and they might , they might even still sell it .

I would not be interested now if they did . But in terms of thinking about feelings , like you know what , if we could have 15 , 20 feelings at the same time , maybe they take up different amounts of space and attention in our internal landscape , our internal , our kind of inner world .

But just that awareness of , like you know , it's not just me feeling , like you know , like happy for my friend that she announced she's pregnant .

Maybe like a teeny , tiny part of me feels happy for her but , like the vast majority , feels resentful and fearful and anxious and jealous and afraid and like all those different things that come up as we navigate our own fertility journey . So just honoring our complexity is really important . The first step of that is really naming the feelings .

So I do this all the time . Like you know , if you work with me in my course , you'll see that we use the how we feel app to kind of prompt us on a daily basis to name our feelings .

Um , and sometimes , like I do that kind of regularly on a scheduled basis , because I love the app and I'm a little compulsive and it just kind of keeps me on track , and I realized , like a lot of the times as I've been doing this , like sometimes I really don't have that awareness of what I'm feeling , like sometimes I'm just going about my day , doing my

errands , you know , being at work , and there's this like unconscious or subconscious feeling that is driving my actions . Maybe it's like low level irritability , and I don't like feeling irritable . I don't know about you , but I'm like you know . Okay , maybe that's a form of anger . Why am I feeling irritable ?

Is there something I need to address so that I can release that , so I can feel more at peace , more calm , more grounded and get through my day in a way that doesn't steal my joy , in a way that doesn't steal my energy ? So that's that app . That's very useful , although it does only allow , to my knowledge , one feeling at a time .

I love my Google Keep app on my phone . I mean , I don't always carry a journal with me , but I always carry my phone most of the time and I pull up just like a blank list and I just say I feel , and then I start listing my feelings until I feel like I'm done listing my feelings .

And so I'm usually surprised by that , because what comes out when I do that kind of detox or awareness or whatever you want to call it , is like a lot of the time I'm feeling things that I don't even realize I'm feeling until I think about it . So it's really helpful . Like I said , I do that how we feel thing a few times a day .

I'm imprompted through my phone , through the app , but then if ever I feel kind of off kilter or maybe it's like a transition and I just kind of don't feel quite right or settled in myself , I just get curious and I say like how am I feeling right now ? And I make that list and I honor those feelings .

I feel them in my body , which is something that I teach my clients how to do , and then I let them go . And then the magical thing is that they don't have power over me .

And so , as these things come up , right when no one understands the shame , the isolation , the fear , the , the guilt , the regret , like all those things , like when we can say that our experience makes sense , when we can notice that these feelings are existing in our inner world , when we can feel them in our bodies and let them go , then that's the pathway to

freedom , right , but we got to do the hard work of working through those things , the thoughts and the feelings , before we can release and be free . So what are some useful thoughts ?

You know , once you kind of flush out your thoughts and your feelings , what are some useful thoughts that kind of get us out of that trap of like nobody understands and nobody will ever understand .

The first one is the false thought they should understand right , and I think that's an assumption because we want to be heard and seen for who we are that I fall into that trap sometimes and I like to flip the script and reframe it to say , like how could they fully understand ?

Like they're not me , they don't walk in my shoes and even if I can get to this place , like I don't expect them to understand that's a huge step . Like cause , it's like wait , I just want , I just want them to see me , maybe it's a partner . Like I want them to understand what it's like to be monitoring my you know ovulation and making the like I just .

But like how could they understand , you know , if it's a heteronormative relationship ? Like they don't live in a woman's body , they don't feel this biological clock ticking in the same way . Like that I don't expect them to understand . Or I don't expect them to understand , or I don't expect them to understand fully .

I think that that takes a lot of the pressure off .

And one thing I've learned and I really take a lot of this from Dr Kavita Sun in her Heal your Relationships and her mastery courses is like when I can fill my own well , at least halfway , then when I make requests of somebody else , it's not coming from this somebody else , it's not coming from this scarcity place , it's not coming from this desperate place .

So if I can say I trust myself to be able to fill my own well , to meet my own needs , if my partner doesn't understand , I will find a person who understands . If I can say that in authenticity , then I can share my experience . Authenticity , then you know I can share my experience with my partner . And again , this is hypothetical but still like I can .

I can share this experience with the partner and you know they might assimilate like 10% of it or maybe you know it's it's , it's a , it's a vulnerability exercise that brings us closer , but maybe they still don't quite get it at the end . But they're like how can I support you ? What do you need ? I want to be there for you as much as I can .

That's a very different experience and feeling like you know nobody gets this . I'm alone in this world , I'm always going to be alone , I'm going to die alone and you know I'm in this partnership and and like they're just never going to get it . That feels like a very disempowered victim place .

And I just wanted to flip that script a little bit and this is another one that's related to this one . We kind of talked about the victimhood that we can get into and this is not judgmental at all , but it's like back to that like why me that we talked about in the last episode and my mother encounters that was saying like why not me ? Right ?

So I think the thought , and we're Right , so I think the thought , and we're going to call this out the thought I am not a victim . There are people who will understand and I just haven't found them yet . So , knowing that there are spaces , there are safe spaces on Facebook , although sometimes those can go a little rogue , so be careful .

There are support groups locally . There are , you know , groups on Facebook , both local and otherwise , for people with infertility . There's Love and Science , which I'm a huge protector of this community . It's my passion project .

I love creating a safe space for professional women who are struggling , and so that really is a haven for many people where we talk about these hard things , we talk about what nobody understands and we help each other navigate creative solutions .

So just know that if you are in this situation and you are feeling completely isolated and , as a corollary , filled with shame and all these complicated emotions , there are resources . You just need to find them . And remember the reason that I do this work is to help people take back their power .

And if that is what you desire , know that that is able to happen , that is in our wheelhouse and we can make that happen . Okay , so the third useful thought I will offer is how can I be kind to myself ?

And so I know that's a question , not really a thought , or maybe you could say I can be kind to myself , but I think sometimes , getting the creative juices flowing , it's better to say how can I be kind to myself ? Now , remember , one of Chris and Neff's three pillars is self-kindness , which is the opposite of self-judgment .

And so , if we think about it and I say this on a daily basis right , there have been periods of my life when I went months without doing something kind or thinking something kind , and that's just . It makes me very sad now to think about it . But you know , know better , do better . So , like what are things that you can do ? Like .

One thing that I do every night that just shows me that I matter is I have a hot cup of tea . Usually it's Egyptian licorice , because I'm a super dork and I love like , I love things , I love routine , I love that . I love the licorice tea , even though I don't like licorice in real life .

I know that's like a quirky thing , but for me that's a way that I show myself kindness , because I'm telling myself okay , the day is done , it is safe to wind down . Like taking this comfort , taking this love , like everything's going to be okay . I don't know why , but like , for me that is an act of self-kindness .

Another act of self-kindness that I do for myself is exercise . Exercise is my mental health . It affects my brain chemistry . I fully understand that . If you're doing the fertility process right now and your REI has said you need modified activity , that can be really stressful , but usually that doesn't mean no activity .

So , whatever you know maybe that's self-kindness to you is exercise and doing whatever is possible within the recommendations for you personally . That really can help , you know , especially if it involves being outside and seeing nature . You've probably heard me talk before about how nature

is just so inspiring to me , because it just is right , like talk about being versus doing , like it's the being that I connect with in nature , and nature isn't judging itself , it's just being nature and keeping these life cycles going , keeping these seasons going , and I get a lot of hope and inspiration from that .

Maybe it's like giving yourself a foot massage , maybe it's like , you know , doing a face cream , and the funny way that's actually something I do for myself sometimes is like it takes 10 minutes before bed I put on a face cream .

I look kind of funny and then I like scrub it off and my skin has turned over and I feel like , you know , just kind of a more refreshed person . Like there's all these little ways throughout the day that we can be kind to ourselves .

And I'm not saying please do not misconstrue this to say that I'm saying that bubble baths are going to solve your problems and solve the world . This is not . I think that we need deeper healing on these emotional levels as well . But what I'm saying is that sometimes we think we don't deserve these things , especially if we're going through a hard time .

Sometimes we think that we're not worthy of experiencing the joy and the beauty of a moment because it's like , well , I have to keep Googling , I have to keep on the path . I'm a soldier , I'm like making this happen , I'm forcing this to happen , like I got to keep stay strong , don't let my guard down .

But it really is in these unhurried moments , it really is in these moments of softness and moments of tending to ourselves the way , like , almost like a nurse , would you know .

I think about like , just like someone coming to the house , like back in the olden days who would like bathe a person or feed them if they couldn't do that themselves , and like it's just we are so staunchly independent as professional women and I think that is to our detriment .

Just remembering that you are worthy of love , you are worthy of acts of self-kindness , in whatever form those are , and make that list , as I do with my clients , like write it down , like the things that make you feel better .

Of course , sometimes they take different levels of time and planning , but there's a , there's a bunch of things we can do , even like in the spur of the moment , that show ourselves that love and that kindness and that really changes our energy moving forward .

Now I will also say I mean I think spirituality comes into this in a sense because , as we think about nobody understanding I know we all have different perspectives on the universe and creation and wisdom , traditions and all of those I mean . Mine is a Catholic Christian tradition , although I do consider myself to be more spiritual than religious .

A lot of what I do at Love , science and in my own life is to focus on , like , the 12 steps and letting go and surrender and all of those things that are really commonalities as we think about , like , what is a life of faith , what is a life of service , what is a life of humility , and really like being good stewards of the gifts that we were given ,

and looking back at the end of our lives and saying , like you know , I did the best I could , and so , in that same vein , it's really helpful for me to remind myself that there is a God and I am not God .

Right , I do believe I am of God , but I really think and again , this is not to be religious , but I think tapping into that power that is greater than ourselves is so crucial for this process If it's tapping into love , like I had an experience this morning where I ran into somebody that I hadn't seen in many years and I just knew that that was the divine

energy showing up for me and saying like , remember , you're not alone , I've got you and I've known since I was a little girl that I was never alone . I've always just felt this deeply loving presence with me , although , to be quite honest , it has taken different amounts of strength over the years .

Sometimes I felt it very strongly , other times it was kind of like a dim flame and I really had to like find it , you know . But that the truth is at least what I believe to be true , right Is that there is a higher power that is with us all the time and we can dwell on that , for we can draw upon that for comfort in times when we feel alone .

You know , thinking about , like the Christian God you know , who suffered so much on a cross , and you know , when I face my own suffering , I think about how the version of God that I was raised with and you know think about that was a God who suffered and it was through that transformation of suffering that then , you know , comes everlasting life .

And again , I'm not to say that one , you know , one religion is better than another . I have clients and patients and friends and colleagues from all sorts of different wisdom traditions . But this is in my worldview .

Suffering is part of what it is to be human and knowing that we're not alone in that suffering , whether it's a friend who comes to bring us a sandwich , or maybe a colleague who gives us a hug , or maybe it's a call from our mom to check in and see how we're doing , like , maybe it's making a call with me , you know , at Love and Science , to explore ,

working together , like truly we are never alone and there are forces beyond ourselves which nurture us and hold us . We just need to be open to those . It takes that like letting go of that staunch independence I just mentioned , that humility and letting that love in .

But we are vessels , we give love , we receive love , and it's in that spirituality , it's in that letting go , that we find a lot of the comfort that we need . So I hope that if you're listening and we have different wisdom traditions , I hope that you can hear this in the spirit which I meant it .

But it's to say there's something greater than ourselves and when we tap into that energy , I think we all do a lot better . So , in summary , infertility is incredibly isolating . With the infertility and the isolation comes a lot

of shame , and as we can start to break down those walls , we really can reconnect with each other and find a way through . That melts the shame , melts the isolation and helps us to tap into that loving energy which really does connect us all .

I hope that the useful thoughts that I shared are helpful to you in terms of just sort of overcoming limiting beliefs and finding a way through , and just know that I am rooting for you always and I'm here to help . Okay with that . I'll see you guys next week . Bye .