Honoring Birthdays While Undergoing Fertility Treatments

This is a very exciting podcast episode for me personally , because this is actually my birthday week as of the day of recording , and I've been thinking a lot about birthdays the good , the bad , the ugly and just how much they can take us by surprise , with the complexity of emotions that they bring , especially if we're on the fertility journey .

So that's what we're talking about today is birthdays . Why can they be so difficult ?

And also , what can we do to take back our agency so that if we're on the fertility journey , it doesn't just consume everything and we can actually enjoy the day and , if you're like me , enjoy your birthday month , because I was on call so many years during my birthday on my birthday , took so many tests on those days , and so I have now just decided , as I

get older , I've instituted a birthday month . I think we all could do that and it's just wonderful to be able to enjoy in that way . So I think the first question is why are birthdays so complicated ?

I will tell you , as a fertility specialist , it gives me great sadness to think about every single month that our ovaries are getting a little bit older and the birthday sort of solidifies that right , like it's not only another month when the period comes , it's a whole other year right Of ovarian aging and maybe we have some objective evidence that our ovaries are

getting older . Maybe our AMH is dropping , Maybe our FSH is climbing , maybe our follicle count is diminishing , maybe our IVF cycles aren't going as well now as they did a couple of years ago in terms of eggs and embryos , and maybe even euploid embryos , and we're starting to get discouraged .

Maybe our REI has even recommended that our own eggs are not doing so well due to age and it might be time to think about using an egg donor to conceive . Or maybe you're already there and the birthday is a reminder of that .

But I think that as we think about aging , I don't take it lightly , because I think it's part of our biological makeup , it's part of our internal drive to conceive makeup . It's part of our internal drive to conceive . I think that age it's not just a number that we write down and appreciate .

It's part of the fact that we know that at some level the reproductive window is closing and that can just be very sad , especially for thinking about the fertility journey and wanting to build a family . Again , this is not doomsday entirely .

I do think that people who want to become parents will become parents , but sometimes there can be some uncertainty around that and how that's going to happen . And sometimes that number as we get older every year , sometimes just hearing that , looking at the data , talking with our REI , it can just be kind of a dismal , depressing process .

So I just want to call that out because that is a real thing and I think to not give that time and space to call that out , I think that would be doing us all a disservice . So aging is real , reproductive aging is real . It's a tough one , but it's one of those things like I say what can we change , what can't we change ?

That is one of those things we just cannot change . I think another reason that birthdays can be complicated is that if we're on the fertility journey , you know there's this notion of like , oh my goodness , maybe I'm too old to have a baby , or maybe I'm too old to have another baby .

If you're trying to build your family and I think that a lot of times age is truly a construct you know we can look at a number that we can write down and say this is our age and we have in our minds like well , I even hear people say I really need to be a parent by the time I'm 30 . And for them and their life goals , that is completely valid .

And for them to turn 31 and think about having their first kid at 31 , that that is outside of what they expected , outside of their life plans and that needs to be processed right .

I have another group of people who are in their 40s and as 41 , 42 , 43 , 44 , 45 , as those ages encroach , it's like oh my goodness , am I going to be a mom for the first time at the ripe age of 46 , if this even works out ? And I think a lot of times we have this notion of like , perhaps I'm too old to be doing this .

But I will say I think that that line of thinking keeps us small . That's sort of that part of our brain that's trying to keep us safe and in the cage . And also it's a way that we can inflict shame upon ourselves to say maybe I shouldn't be doing this , maybe I'm not good enough the way that I am Right .

But you know , especially as a fertility specialist , I always like to say okay , what's real , what myths can we debunk ?

I mean , if you look back at the history of the natural history of people who have been childbearing for generations and centuries and millennia , truly , I mean , I think that there are women who have conceived naturally well into their mid to late 40s . I know it's unusual for that to happen , it definitely defies the odds .

But as we think about what are we doing in terms of our plans , our age , there actually are some benefits of being a parent later in life . Usually most of us are a little bit more established , we might have more resources , we might have more time .

So , again , this is not to sort of start this process of comparing ourselves to other people , but if you're thinking that thought right now , oh my goodness , she totally gets me , she's hearing me . I'm in my forties and I really do feel old to be too old to be doing this .

You know , and I do this all the time with my clients , like we gently challenged that thought to say is that biological Right ? Like I mean , some people , you know , don't meet the loves of their lives until they're in their mid to late 40s . Other people realize what a priority having a child is and they decide to pursue single parent procreation .

Everybody has their own unique story , but I think this notion of too old we are now healthier , our life expectancy is extending because of all sorts of treatments for diseases . You know , I actually this is sort of a proud moment .

I just did my first sprint triathlon a couple of weeks ago and most of the women doing those triathlons were in their forties and I thought , gosh , like how can we beat our bodies down so much ? You know , in this one context fertility , right , like oh , I'm too old .

But then , on the other hand , there's all these 40-year-old women , and even 50-year-old women in their 50s too , competing triathlons and really challenging their bodies and doing a lot of really wonderful things that maybe people in other generations may not even thought to do , right .

So I think society is evolving and we also have to honor that and we have to challenge . When we have these social construct ideas like , oh , I'm too old , what does that really mean ? Is that really objective ? And how can we break that down to really understand what's behind that ? So that's really .

The second thing is , you know , that sort of too old complex . I like to challenge it and break it down . The third reason I think that birthdays are so complex is because they just bring up a lot of complex emotions .

I just recorded an episode two weeks ago on regret , and so if you want to see that episode for a little extra information on this , it's a short segment , but I think it's quite powerful .

As the years get higher and higher , we're like gosh if I had only done XYZ in my early 30s , or if I'd only met my partner sooner , if I'd only decided to become a parent sooner . We have all these thoughts and I just remind myself and ourselves that we made all the best decisions we could at the time .

However , just that sort of warring thoughts of I should have done it this way , I should have done it this way , I could have done it that way and things would be different than they are right now . I think that's really important to acknowledge .

I think that birthdays can bring up a lot of sadness and fear and anxiety , especially if we're disappointed with how things are going on the fertility journey and we're looking ahead and we're not sure what's exactly going to happen in the coming year or years . We can have a thought of like well , how long am I going to do this for Right ?

I thought I'd be done by now , but here I am , turning another age . All of these thoughts are completely normal and common .

I just don't think they really serve us and so , understanding that fundamentally with birthdays there is this cognitive dissonance that happens that everybody wants to throw us a party and give us presents and have candles and balloons and celebrations , which all of those things can feel very happy and celebratory , right .

But if , on the other hand , we're feeling a lot of sadness and despair and fear and we don't even want this very much unhappy event to be celebrated , it can make us feel inauthentic and this cognitive dissonance that can be very expensive .

So I just wanted to call that out too , because what I do with my clients and myself is I sort of take the 30,000 foot view and say what are all the feelings I'm feeling right now ?

I can be happy that people want to celebrate my life and I can also be sad that my ovaries are now a year older and maybe family building aspirations are not what I thought they would be .

I can hold all those things in my person and my soul and my mind and my spirit at the same time and say , wow , isn't it so interesting that I am such a complex being where I can have all these different , seemingly contradictory emotions at once .

And that is part of the beauty of all of this right Is the complexity and the fact that I'm not alone in this right . We are not alone in this , we have each other . The folks at Love Science know we have each other . We meet for support groups every other Friday night .

You know , if you think about the number of people we have and the number of birthdays that roll around , you know I feel we're usually navigating a birthday of some such . You know I feel we're usually navigating a birthday of some such .

And it's just really nice to be able to just honor the complexity , because when I honor the complexity I don't necessarily get stuck in the negative , but I can acknowledge it and I let a little bit of the joy in that I think otherwise would have gotten squashed out if things had to be so black and white . So those are the three reasons .

I think that well , I mean there's probably more , but that comes to my mind , at least now , with these reflections of why birthdays are so complex , especially on the fertility journey , one being another year of ovarian aging and everything that comes along with that . Number two , this idea of being too old to do this .

And then number three is all the complex and warring emotions that can come along with having a birthday when the world seems to want to have it be 100% happy Look at Facebook , for instance . But maybe in our hearts we don't feel quite that way and we need to make room for some other emotions as well .

Okay , so what I'd really like to do is to come up with some strategies and I have five of them for being able to allow a birthday to be what it is and to allow some of the beauty and the joy in , at the same time as honoring the complexity of the experience .

So my first suggestion and this will come as no surprise to those of you who know me and follow me is that we really need to make time and space to honor our feelings . And so if you listen to one of my previous podcasts , it's on how to feel feelings and how that uplevels our experience of our lives .

I would definitely refer back to that episode because that's sort of how we do this in a practical way . But you know , if you're like me , you're always consuming something or another . Like you know , I'm always like either listening to a podcast or an audio book . Even if I'm out on a walk in nature , I'm like , oh my gosh , I have 45 minutes .

I'm behind on this series or that series . For me . I'm always doing some sort of personal development course , so , oh gosh , I missed the lecture last week . I got to catch up . But I think that all that consumption , on one hand it's helpful because we feel like we're doing something for our personal development and our entertainment , et cetera .

But the other side of that coin is that it just creates all of this noise that can be very destructive as we're thinking about creating space for our feelings .

And so if I'm always listening to somebody else's voice and this is kind of ironic because this is a podcast , but everything in moderation If I'm always listening to somebody else's voice , I don't necessarily make room for my own voice and my own intuition .

So that is what I would say is , for instance , this week , on my birthday , I went for a run and I didn't listen to anything because I knew that I needed to make space to reflect , to honor my feelings , to listen to nature , to reconnect with myself in a way that I really couldn't if I was consuming content or catching up on podcasts or whatever else I

felt tempted to do instead of just being with myself . So when I'm quiet , when I make time and space for my feelings , when I make time and space for non-productive time actually , I write it in my calendar non-productive time because , left to my own devices , I'll fill it all up that's when I can really honor all of the feelings .

I can say huh , I feel really loved and supported right now , which is wonderful , and at the same time , maybe there's something going on where I feel very disappointed . I need to honor that too .

And there's probably like 10 or 15 other emotions too that come up , because when I slow down and that's really a challenge for those of us type A professional women , especially those of us who are female physicians , but I include other professions as well it's just really hard for us to slow down , to stop the to-do list , to check in .

I think part of that is by design , because we get places in our lives when we're just doing , doing , doing all the time . But I also think that and I can speak for myself here that maybe there's some fear in , like , okay , well , if I stop , if I feel what's actually going to come up and do I want to deal with what comes up in the silence ?

I can honestly say sometimes I don't .

But it's like that game of whack-a-mole at the fair , Like if I whack down one set of emotions one place , then a similar or the same set of emotions is just going to come up in a different way and I'm going to have to deal with it that way rather than sort of dealing with it more organically and healthily , kind of at the source .

So that is my plug for slowing down , creating space , feeling your feelings and I help people with those all the time is like feeling feelings and letting them go so they can move on unencumbered . But really emotions are just energy in motion , but they have such control over us if we can't see what they are and understand them and let them go .

So if this is something you're struggling with , please let me help you . It's one of my ninja strengths . I would love to do this with you , for you , as I also walk the walk and do this in my own life , authentically myself . That's the first thing is take time to honor your feelings .

The second thing is really to do something that honors yourself at this stage of your life without any need to change , right ?

So sometimes we look at our birthday and we say my life will be complete if in three months this next embryo transfer works , or you know , this is all going to be good if I meet somebody on Bumble and they decide that they wanna be a co-parent and we move on with our lives together .

So often we judge our experience by the externals and what's going to happen if something outside of ourselves happens . But I would argue this is the fastest way to give away our power , right ? So if I say , well , I'm gonna be happy when X , y , z happens , if it doesn't happen , well , our power right .

So if I say , well , I'm going to be happy when XYZ happens , if it doesn't happen , well then what ? Right ? So if we can all learn how to stop in the moment and do something in the here and now that is not dependent on the future really has no relationship to the past .

It's just like , okay , I'm turning this many years and I'm doing this to honor and celebrate myself .

So , as a small example , I love to get my nails done , usually once a month if I can , and I just decided for my birthday month that I would have really sparkly nail polish , which that may sound like kind of a small thing , but in the past I might've said well , what are other people going to think of this ? Like , is this professional , is it not ?

So , you know , I thought to myself what is like the most exciting sort of celebratory polish that I can have that will remind me that this is a celebration of my life this month , this week , this day , and it was blue sparkles . My life this month , this week , this day and it was blue sparkles . And I looked at it .

I said this is what I really want , and I'm getting my nails done anyway , and why would I not do this ? And so for this birthday and I'm now in my 40s I really enjoyed getting blue sparkles .

When my next month rolls around , I'm sure I'll change it to something else , but in this moment it's just that little reminder that I matter , that my life is a celebration that I can love and celebrate myself , whereas sometimes other messages may contradict that , and so it's kind of one of my small ways of taking back my power is doing something , even seemingly

small , kind of as a vote for myself , so I can post pictures if you're curious . But that really lifted my mood and continues to lift my mood in a way that has no bearing on any future outcome whatsoever . Another thing that people can do that honors themselves at this point in their life is maybe there's a ritual , or maybe there's

a you know a walk that you've wanted to take , like even like a mini pilgrimage or a shrine , or you know something that you've not done yet , where you're like you know what . I'm this many years old . I can try new things . I can honor my life in this meaningful way .

I think so much of our lives these days is kind of devoid of meaning , actually like a lot of social media , a lot of comparing ourselves to other people , but when we can say to ourselves , like what uniquely makes me me , what is uniquely part of my journey that I can honor in a way where I'm maybe moving my body , maybe it's a place that has meaning for

me , maybe it's you know , I don't even know Like there's a where I stay in Vermont when I go and work as a fertility specialist . I go every other week and work for a week . There's a sauna , an outdoor sauna , and on the way to the sauna is a rose garden . And that rose garden , the stones that lead up to that rose garden look like a rosary .

To me , and for me , this is my wisdom tradition in the Catholic church , the rosary has always been very powerful for me . Mary , I think she's a very strong woman . We need strong women , role models and all wisdom traditions , and I've just always felt a real connection to her .

So for me , one of my practices is and you can do this to honor your birthday but for me , I go there , I have a very meditative walk . I walk in the formation of the rosary . I'm around flowers which are life-giving , they smell good , they get me into my body and that's just a very simple , free , meaningful thing for me to do .

That honors myself at this stage in my life . I plug in spiritually , which for me is important . It's how I live my life .

It's how I have energy to do all the things I do and to help the people I do , and that's just something where maybe other for somebody else that might not be meaningful , but for me it is Listen and see what you think your body is calling you to do . That honors yourself at this stage of life and you know it's just magical .

You know , maybe we could share on social media , like what those things are . I think that'd be a really fun thing to do , but it's just quite powerful to say like , okay , I'm putting the future aside for me at this point in my life today , what's going to be meaningful , and see what comes up .

Actually , another interesting thing that along these lines that I love doing is I'm part of a Facebook group for female physicians who love to run and one thing that we do is say you're turning like 35 years old , you run 3.5 miles that day .

Say you're turning 45 years old , you run 4.5 miles that day , and it's like a community where we encourage each other to run , which I love to run and I mean I think it's a little unfair . I talked to my aunt about this and she's like hey , I'm 72 . Does that mean I have to run ? You know 7.2 miles .

I'm like , well , I don't know , once you're in your seventies , maybe you could adjust the decimal point or something like that . But I think that's just kind of a cool thing to be like . You know , for me I'm very fortunate to be in a body that's able to run , and you know if I can run 4.1 miles , cause I turned 41 .

I actually ran a little farther because I was running to my aunt's house and it's a little farther . But if I can run 4.1 miles , what a gift . And that's something where it changes a little bit every year . You can do it in community and it's a free thing to do , it doesn't cost any money and it's quite meaningful .

So , like I said , do something to honor yourself at this stage with nothing needing to change . The third suggestion I have for honoring your birthday in authenticity is reflecting on progress , not perfection . So I love to look back a year ago and say , huh , where was I at in my life one year ago ?

You know , I think about even a year ago I hadn't launched Love and Science . Yet that is huge , right , this passion of mine . It just gives me so much life . I love creating community and solidarity and helping women transform themselves to bridge , to becoming parents . I mean , it's absolutely just my life's work .

And when I think back , there were so many other things that were different a year ago . When I look back that far and so I say , wow , isn't it interesting that I didn't even see all the gifts that would come Right . And so that's where the progress comes in .

I can honor the progress that I've made and and you know I don't need to be perfect I think if I look ahead I say , well , well , this hasn't happened . It's that you have a better relationship with a loved one than you did a year ago .

Maybe it's that you did something athletic , and you know that took a lot of time and effort , and you know , maybe , and that you can celebrate that . You know , maybe you've traveled to a place that you've always wanted to go to on your bucket list and you had a wonderful trip .

Like all these things , sometimes we discount them because we're like , oh , but I'm not pregnant yet . Or oh , but I had a miscarriage and I thought I would have a child by now . Yes , of course , those things are really sad and they need to be honored .

At the same time , we don't want to miss the things that are going well , because I think that's a lot of the places that we get our joy and our sort of gas to keep going Right .

And so just thinking about the progress that the last year has brought and that always gives me hope that there will be more progress in this coming year , and , like my good friend Rachel says , like you know either , this , which is what I'm hoping for , or something better , right ?

Sometimes the universe has better plans for us than we have for ourselves , and I like to put that , this or something better out into the universe , because maybe what I think I want , maybe there's an even better , bigger plan that is going to bring me even more joy and meaning , and I just can't see it yet . So that's my third suggestion .

My fourth suggestion is to set intentions for the coming year . So some people do this at the turn of the new year . I like to do this on my birthday . I like to pick words for ways in which I want to live my life in the next year . So maybe it's that I slow down and I do things intentionally .

Maybe it's that I make my decisions based on love instead of fear . Maybe it's that I want joy to be more present . So I choose joy as one of my words . I sort of think . I mean I think that joy is excuse me , that goals and intentions are different .

Like goals are like I'm going to sign up for this race and I'm going to cross off the list , or I'm going to get this promotion and move on up and have a better salary and prestige all those things . Intentions are more like this is my intention , this is my energy , this is the direction I'm moving towards so that I can live a more beautiful , full life .

So I think that's really useful . I do that when I start my yoga practice on my yoga mat . I have an intention for the class . I do that for the day . Sometimes I want this day to be full of compassion , self-compassion , love , freedom , whatever it might be we have for how we live our lives .

It's amazing how , in the decisions we see those intentions coming up . We're like , oh , I really did use compassion to make that decision . Or oh , I really did , you know , go to the gym today when I might not have in the past , because my intention is to take care of my physical body , like all those things , I think they matter .

So just being very intentional about the year to come , because that's how we head in the direction of our dreams .

My fifth suggestion for your birthday is to take in all the love and support that we receive and I'm an introvert , I'm an empath , I really need to take it in small doses because I'm very sensitive and sometimes the expressions of love and care and kindness and generosity , sometimes it's just very overwhelming to take in at once , right ?

So I keep my cards that people give me and I read them over and over again . I put them in places that a week or two later I can remind myself right , I can read the words again .

I can just have a visual of the person or people who took time out of their days to choose a card for me , to underline phrases on those cards , to send them in the mail , to send them in the mail . People who sent me text messages and Facebook messages and really took time to share with me why my presence in their lives in the world made a difference .

Those things are really important to me , and maybe there are some people who can just open the floodgates and take it all in all at once and that's it . But I like to savor these sentiments and I like to remind myself that the birthday is not just about the day . It's the fact that I was born as a soul in this world .

I have a purpose and a mission to give love , to receive love , to do this life's work of love and science . And as I can take in that love , that kindness , that beauty , that's when I can then fill my well , and that's what then , you know , my cup overflows .

That's what then allows me to , you know , work as a fertility physician and a coach and , you know , give back to my community and do all the things that are important for me , because otherwise my cup would be a lot less empty , and I think I would stop when things get scary because I'd be like , oh , I'm alone in this world .

Right , that's one of my defaults is like , oh , but nobody understands that I'm alone Again . Infertility can be so darn isolating , and there are people who understand Maybe it's not your friends and family .

Stay tuned , we're going to do an episode on friendship soon but I do think that if we can take in some of that expressed love and really love ourselves right , believe it , internalize it , feel it , savor it , be grateful for it , I think that helps to buffer this journey in very powerful ways .

So I'm going to summarize my five suggestions for having a beautiful , authentic birthday and let me know what you think . I'd love to start a conversation about birthdays and how we can maybe turn them from these very kind of energetically expensive experiences to honoring our lives , honoring the complexity of our lives and doing it all together .

So my first suggestion , as a reminder , is to take time to honor your feelings . My second is to do something to honor yourself at this particular stage in your life , without any need for anything to change . My third suggestion is to reflect on progress , not perfection . So think about the last year , maybe the last couple of years , how you've grown .

One of my mentors , dr Una . She says you know you don't lose in this life . You either win or you learn , and so sometimes we can celebrate the wins , sometimes we can think about the lessons that we've learned and I think to myself you know what ? I really don't want to go through that experience , but I'm a wiser person .

I can help more people because of this experience , and that is what comes . Wisdom , hopefully , comes with age , and if I'm going to need to be a year older , then I might as well embrace that . My fourth suggestion is to set intentions for the coming year . So we sort of think about the direction we want to head in and then

embody that in our daily actions . And my fifth suggestion is to find a mechanism that works for us to take in all that love , as we talked about .

By honoring our feelings we can say yeah , sure , I feel sad Part of me feels sad on this day and I realized that I really do make a difference for a lot of people and I'm just going to honor all of it and take it in . So with that I will leave you . Thank you for allowing me into your lives , to your homes , to your listening ear .

Do take some time in silence , in nature , without my wonderful voice , so that you can listen to yourself as well .

But my goal is to be a guide , my goal is to serve , and if any of this resonated with you , I would absolutely love to set up a call to help you figure out how you can navigate your next birthday with more grace and ease and love With that . I love you and I'll talk to you the next time . Bye .