Focusing on What is Constant: Lessons Learned from the Beach

It reminded me that a lot of things change and a lot of things also stay the same , and sometimes what we focus our attention on really makes all the difference in how we feel and how grounded we feel on a moment-to-moment basis , and also how we project that onto our sense of security for the future .

So , based on this experience , I want to shed some of my I dare to say wisdom , inspiration from the beach to say of what changes , what can we count on , both at the beach and on our fertility journey ? So let's think about the beach for a second .

So when I first started coming to the beach , I was not even 10 years old yet , and if you think about when you're a kid , you have your kid point of view . As I got into high school , I was focusing on AP classes and maybe doing homework at the beach sometimes , and then , as I got older , you know , things changed too .

So for me , I have had a lot of different life stages at the beach and for me it's a marker of time . It's also a marker of what has changed in the last year or two years , three years . I have journal entries that even show me .

Even if my mind wanders and I think that perhaps things are different than my mind remembers them , I have at least some objective data based on what I've written . So it's just kind of an interesting thought experiment to take a step away , get some space from it to say , okay , a lot of things do change and yet many things do stay the same .

So when I'm at the beach I don't know about you , but I am particularly aware of the moon . I'm always aware of the moon , to be clear . But there's something about the tides and the reflection of the moon on the water .

Just the phase of the moon is always very clear to me and I just feel that nourishment , that feminine divine energy , and it really makes me feel just connected to myself and connected to the rest of the world . So the moon , yes , it is ever-changing with the cycles and the tides and the phases , and yet it's a constant presence . Right , it's there .

We know it's going to be there . It is in relationship and gravitational force , relationship with the earth and the tides , and it is actually a constant , even though it changes . It's something that we can count on .

Another thing that always stays the same and this is true at the beach , it's also true every single day of our lives , but it's such a simple thing to say . But the sun always rises again , right ?

So even if we're having the worst day ever and we know we just need to wake up in another day , we can count on the fact that the next day the sun is going to rise , and maybe that sunrise looks a little bit different for each of us from our vantage point in the world .

Some days it might be cloudy and we might not see the sun until it peaks up over the clouds , Maybe not at the actual quote unquote sunrise time , but a little bit later . But we know that the earth keeps turning , the sun keeps rising and , as my father says , it's a new dawn , it's a new day .

There is always hope that something new , something unforeseen is going to happen , maybe something that we couldn't even predict , because it is a new day . And another thing that always gives me comfort is when I see familiar geography , and Brene Brown writes about how complicated nostalgia can be , because I think sometimes we have again .

We have memories that exist in a certain way and sometimes , if we don't experience something , as the memory might suggest , place can be complicated .

You know it's not all roses , because it can bring up some feelings , but I think that you know , when there's familiar geography , when the streets are the same , when you sort of have this almost like muscle memory within you of where the paths are and what the beautiful places are , there is a familiar comfort in that and again , this doesn't have to be at the

beach , this can be in your backyard . But sometimes we don't notice the same things in our familiar surroundings every day as we do when we have some time and space from , say , like a pilgrimage every single year . So just , you know , we can think about this in our own lives too , because I think there is a lot of comfort in the familiarity .

But there's something about a week away where we can put our typical life behind and maybe be a little bit more present . Again , I would challenge us all to do that in our day-to-day , but it's a little bit easier , sometimes a little bit more natural , to do that when we set aside a week away .

Set aside a week away and another thing that you know I always find very comforting about being at the beach which you know can come up as well in our day-to-day lives is just the sensory details , right Like there's a particular feeling of how the sand feels on your feet .

The wind , for me , just really just brings me into the present moment , the feeling of the sun on my skin . The power of scent is so interesting because you can't capture that memory really , but there's something about our brains that when we smell something that has a particular memory associated with it , it just takes us to this almost universal , timeless place .

I find the scent of the seawater just so humbling and powerful and beautiful and I just love how it just overpowers and takes over and surprises me always with its beauty and its subtle strength . So , thinking about when we are thinking about constants , there are certain sensory experiences about a place that can really bring us back .

So I want to transition now to really talk about when we're on the fertility journey , how that is similar to having some things that are changing and some things that are the same . So what can we hang our hat on ?

What can we find grounding in as we're getting all this data from our IVF cycle as we're trying to determine the next steps , as maybe our location's changing or our insurance is changing . There's so many variables in the fertility journey that can feel very disconcerting and can leave us , honestly , feeling very powerless and helpless and afraid .

I mean , these are very natural , understandable emotions , right . But , especially as female physicians and professionals , part of what I love helping people to do is to take back our agency in these situations where it feels powerless . But we actually can take back our power in small ways and big ways too , actually .

So what stays the same in the fertility journey ? One thing at Love Science we do when we first start out is we uncover our deepest why , and that is the reason that we are doing all this . That's the reason that we show up at the fertility clinic over and over . That is the reason that we are doing all this .

That's the reason that we show up at the fertility clinic over and over . It's the reason that we stay committed to the journey when the times get tough and when we can think about our deepest why , like a reason for doing this .

As hard as things get , we can find the inner strength , we can find the collective strength to keep going . And so that deepest why , you know we talk about it . Each person has their own particular why . Maybe it's to become a parent , maybe it's to grow your family , maybe it's to break cycles of intergenerational trauma .

There's so many different ways that this can manifest .

But when you identify your deepest why that this can manifest , but when you identify your deepest why just like Viktor Frankl said , right , who is in the Holocaust , it basically makes any how more bearable , right , because we find what we need to keep going , we find that motivation and we are all cut from the same cloth here .

We are strong , we are persistent and we stay committed to the process as long as it makes sense to do so , right ? So I think that figuring out the deepest why in the midst of all the change , is a grounding and a constant , and it provides a lot of strength that other things just can't .

And I also think it's really important to have a sense of perspective . And one thing I always try to bring myself back to is that I am not my own highest power . Right , in my wisdom tradition , which is Christian , you know , I do believe in a Judeo-Christian God . This is not to say that . You know , I have multiple friends and colleagues from other faiths .

I think the most important thing is to recognize that we are not God and the universe is way much greater than we are as individuals . Yes , we have that divine core , yes , we have that universal power accessible to us , but , thank goodness , we're not our own God , because it gives us a place of rest , it gives us inner strength .

It gives us a place of rest , it gives us inner strength , it gives us a sense of perspective , it tells us that we're really not alone in this universe , right ? And so , however you interpret this , just recognizing that , at least for me , I know that when I meditate , when I pray , that I find the comfort I need , that I'm not alone .

Sometimes I send my clients , my patients , I pray with them , I send them strength with my friends . I do this as well with my family , and I just think that there's a lot of collective power in a spiritual foundation . And for me , my faith is a constant and I really Faith is a constant and I really offer that to inspire you to lean on it .

If that's part of your upbringing , part of your worldview , I think it can really help a lot in these situations . Another constant is your character right .

I will say that my patients , my clients they are some of the strongest people I know , right , many of them , many of you , have gotten through medical school residency , fellowship , moves , trials , tribulations , family member illnesses , while undergoing these things right ? So I think that , recognizing that I am me right .

So every year things change , same for you every year . Things change , but my core remains the same , right , my character remains the same . I can trust myself , I am resourceful , we can do hard things , I am kind , I am compassionate , I am empathetic these things I remind myself of that .

Yes , externals can change , but I can dig deep to these character traits that are not going away ever , right , and I can lean on them and understand that these are tools in my toolkit that can get me through .

And I'd say the same is true for you , if you're listening , you have persistence , you have resilience , you have strength and remind yourself that you've gotten through even harder things before and you will persist and get through this as well .

Another thing that many of us have most of us have is strong relationships , and I understand that sometimes relationships can change . When you're undergoing the fertility journey , like sometimes friendships change or maybe are not a safe space anymore . Stay tuned We'll do a couple podcasts on that coming up .

But maybe you have a really strong partner and you lean on each other , right ? I'm always inspired by beautiful couples who are able to do that during this time . Maybe you have a really good friend who's also gone through fertility treatments and they just get it and they're your safe place . Our relationships , yes , they do change a little bit over time .

They can change forms , but the really strong ones at the core , they can be your rock , they can be your safe place , and so that's a resource .

A lot of us don't think about a lot of the times , or we think of , maybe , friendships as accessory , but take an inventory of your social capital and see who's in your inner circle and draw upon those resources as you need to during this time , because relationships are constant and love with a capital love with a capital L excuse me is constant , and I really

do think that's what gets us through . I think that your team is really important and so you know , a lot of my clients have an REI , their REI who's really in their corner and who , you know , thinks outside the box and who looks at the data , and this is what I do for my patients right Is . I look at each person as an individual .

I look at their values , I look at their goals and I believe in every single one of my patients and my clients , and that's what each person here deserves , right ? A person who is in their corner , who believes in them , who understands them in their particular situation , who really is committed through the process . So lean on them right .

Ask them the hard questions , make a follow-up appointment if things aren't making sense or if you're not sure about what your next steps are . And a lot of my clients say this about me as well .

When I do the love and science work is , I really do believe in my clients , I believe in community , and they know that every other Friday night , we're going to show up and we're going to meet as a group and we're going to be together , and that is something that they can count on .

That's something that I can count on , because I show up , I'm committed , I'm passionate and we create a safe space . That doesn't just exist on Fridays . We have a WhatsApp chat , which is just really amazing .

We share inspirational quotes , we you know when it's somebody's retrieval day or transfer day or you know something else is going on in somebody's fertility journey , we all rally together and come together as a community . But so that you know , if that is your situation , if you're listening to this , you're part of love and science .

You know it's true that we can really count on each other and that's a constant , you know . If you're curious , just know that this safe space exists , because one of the worst parts about this whole journey is it's just so darn isolating . Many people don't even know anybody else who's undergoing this right .

So if that's , you , connect with me because I can get you connected and nobody should undergo this alone , no-transcript . So you know , in all of this thinking about you know , the beach is really just kind of a metaphor because this exists in all places of life . But when we look at where our attention goes , that's where our energy flows .

So we could look at a situation . You know there's that song by Sarah McLachlan and I love her as an artist . World on Fire , right . Sometimes I can even look at my own life and look at this fire and that fire and this fire and really just feel very overwhelmed .

I also think that if I look at my resources and the fact that I'm not alone and the fact that I have my character and my integrity and my faith and my family and my people , and I think about all those . It's like that quote . You know , what lies before us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us .

We have our inner strength . We have our resources . When we can focus on what is constant in our lives , when we can focus on what brings us comfort , what brings us solace , what brings us grounding , we can come back to that

, that deep . Why those resources that do not change ? They only get stronger with time and we can draw on them in these times of need . And I think that we can see that our challenges , right , our challenges are there . We can use them as opportunities to lean on our people , to find community , to get even stronger .

As much as we would never choose our trials and our tribulations , we are here for this . Together , we can do hard things , and so what I will say is life is a balance of the ever-changing and the changeless . I'll leave you with a question how can we accept and embrace this and live out the serenity prayer which , as you know , I love ?

God , grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change , the courage to change the things I can , and the wisdom to know the difference . There are actually certain things that we cannot change , and thank goodness we cannot change them , because we can draw on them in these times of struggle and challenge and we can do our things together .

Okay , I will leave you with that . I love you until the next time . Bye .