Hello everybody. Today I am here to discuss sexual safety and aftercare, which is a topic that has been highly requested in my Instagram messages. I thought, well, I've written an article about it and I've talked about it and I've discussed it on Dialogues with Jacaro, but I decided why not just talk about it on the podcast as well because I definitely have updated information growth and feelings that, you know, have changed over the years.
I would like to talk about some of the things that I do to make sure that I feel safe and comfortable during and after sex. Well, as well as before sex because it's important that my safety is honored. It's important that I feel very, very secure and I'm just accepting and consenting to the whole situation because that's what gives me maximal maximum appreciation and orgasms and satisfaction when it comes to sex.
And I don't know if this is something that you've thought about for yourself or you just cruise through it, but I'll discuss it today so that it's something that you take home and think about more intentionally just so you can elevate your sexual experience. So a lot of times when it comes to sex, I as a woman, I don't know if it's as a human or a, as a, a woman, but I tend to lead with feelings.
And this meant or this required that I started to cultivate my emotional intelligence just so that I can understand, manage and communicate my emotions much better. So the thing with being very intentional with my emotional intelligence and you know, my regulation of my emotions is that it pushed me into a space where I was required to practice regularly. And this auto LED into me trusting my intuition a bit more, trusting the decisions that I make for myself because I'm intentional now.
I'm not just cruising through life or guessing stuff. I mean, I'm figuring out a lot of things as I go, but for most part, I'm a little more deliberate about everything that I do, especially sexually in my life. This helped me be able to tell the difference between anxiety and intuition as well, because there's a lot of anxiety around sex, especially in that African community where we do not have these conversations much more openly. And it's, it's fearful, sometimes shameful and scary.
But that's why this platform is here so that we can have this discussions without any or much fear. So this led me to become much calmer and much more confident about sex and about the things that I want. Because as long as I know I am safe and comfortable, then everything is OK. This also helps me understand consent a lot more because I have to confront, you know, what I understand consent to be as well as, you know, I expect to
relate with my sexual partner. And this discussion is not easy because we may realize I was having a discussion with a few of my friends about consent the other day. And the boys were talking about how the idea of consent has all has been skewed for a very long time, ever since they were young, because they didn't really have present male figures who taught them what was wrong and or right. And women were really objectified growing up, like 20 years ago, 15 years ago, even now.
It's just that now we're able to have this discussion a bit more openly. But the idea of consent was very, very skewed. There was a lot of coercion still being applied. There was a lot of being taught that being a macho man means taking sex from women. It's like women are not supposed to be open and confident about
sex. These discussions help us become much more educated, even for ourselves, and being able to define for myself what consent means, it helped me a lot because now I know what I can accept and what I can't accept. We were also discussing reactions when you're being sexually assaulted. If you do not practice all the things that I'm going to talk about today, your reaction even
towards abuse can be delayed. Because if you don't know what is consent, how will you know if someone is violating you? If you don't know what it is that you accept or don't accept, how will you know when someone is violating you or when you're violating someone? And if you can't even have these discussions openly, how are you going to improve and do better
and be a better person? That's why it's so essential to have these discussions because I I always say it doesn't matter how learned, confident, intelligent, exposed, well spoken, outspoken, doesn't matter how and who you are or older or much more experienced. It doesn't matter if you're not putting in the work to become a better person internally. Not just from all the accolades that you get externally, internally, it can really affect even your nervous system.
It affects you as a person. It blows out the things that you know you love and like. You're not going to be able to live as yourself authentically, especially 100%. It's very, very important that you do the inner work to make sure that you can even communicate these needs. And that's why my need for having emotional security and
intelligence came about. It's from me wanting to learn more about myself emotionally that trickle down all the way into me ensuring I feel safe sexually consistently. A number of times I've been about to have sex with someone and I've had to maybe force them to use a condom or they've tried to take the condom off during sex or I wasn't even sure that I wanted to have sex, but they cost me and they begged me and they they made all these promises will get tested
tomorrow. Don't worry, I love you. I'll marry you all these things and in the heat of the moment when especially if you're someone who's been traumatized by it could be something different, but it could show up
in your sexual life. So you're not able to say no, you don't know how to say no or you're not able to stand up for yourself confident and probably most times is it red flags in a quang at a before being in a sexual situation with this person because you'll be able to see how they do not respect your decisions, your autonomy. How do they they do not show up exactly? Or you know, how do they? They do not try to show up the way you'd love for them to in
your life. We see all these red flags before even we get to the sexual situation, but we love to ignore them. Being able to stand up for yourself, it's going to show up even when you're in a sexual situation. And remember I said it doesn't matter how smart, confident Lanae disposed you are. When you're in that situation, fight, fight or freeze might show up and you're not really able to detect Alia. What will happen to you in a situation that shocks you?
You might just freeze. But if you've been working, my friends are telling me I need to take defense classes so that I can do better with my reactions. Because to be honest, the times that this has happened to me, I just froze. I froze and I was unable to speak up for myself. I was unable to advocate for myself. The normal reaction normally in quotes would be to stand up and defend yourself, advocate for yourself, walk out of the
situation, leave. But I was telling my friends about how because of the abuse I endured when I was growing up, I think such reactions come a bit slower to me. I don't know if it's because my body just accepts that I deserve to be abuse, or it's because I, I used to be threatened even with the death. So it was really, really scary. You know, I knew fighting for myself meant I could possibly die, but now that I'm a grown up, it's still showing up.
I still freeze and I'm totally afraid because when I'm in a situation where I need to defend myself, my reaction has to be a bit faster and well thought out. You know, when you're watching a horror movie and you're screaming, I'm able to do that for other people, but when it comes to me, I just, I have a blind spot. I'm so unable to see. Well, I'm walking on it. Please don't come and prey on me just because I'm exposing myself like this.
But at least I have the awareness and I'm actively walking on it. And I know a lot of people are like this. Or you could, you could automatically want to fight or you could be able to run away, which I think is much better than pleasing. And in the situations that I've been unable to say no or maybe I wasn't even an able to say no, maybe I said no. But way before I found myself in that situation.
Umm, I had a maybe when it came to consent, it was a maybe or it was a not today, or it was a when I come to your house. I don't want to have sex. But if it happens, it's not an affirmative, continuous and strong yes. It's just me being unsure anytime I ever felt like that. But I still went ahead and put my myself in that situation.
I ended up very heartbroken and very disappointed and I felt so much shame and almost anger for myself because I didn't understand that it was my body telling me no. My body was actively saying no, you shouldn't be in this situation. This is not how you feel, this is not what you want. You're not giving full consent. But I decided to ignore anyway. And every time I've ignored my intuition and my internal feelings, I've always paid for it. Always. Your body always knows what you want.
I've actually recorded an episode before about this, about your intuition and cultivating this internal compass to show you where you should be or what you should want. If you don't put in the actual work of cultivating it, like by practicing, you end up here where you're consistently confused and you're not sure and then life is happening to you instead of you taking charge and making decisions that make you a better person and subsequently help you enjoy better sex.
Your body will always know if you're not comfortable and it will. It will always react, sometimes even physically. You know when someone touches you and you feel unsure and then your body immediately activates fight or flight to protect you. But you don't even honor this natural compass because you don't know how to trust yourself and you don't really ever make decisions for yourself that
honor yourself internally. Or even things like when someone ignores you, ignores your communication, you say no, they don't listen or even way before the sex. Foreplay is not just. You can check out the episode I did about foreplay. Foreplay is not just you flirting or you touching each other. Foreplay goes way before even you guys decide to have sex. It's the romance, the consistency, the communication,
the way you talk to each other. So there's no way someone can be ignoring your texts, your messages, your calls, but you feel safe having sex with them. I mean, there is a way, it happens all the time. But for me, it just was something I had to be honest with myself that it doesn't make me feel safe. It made me feel neglected,
ignored. And when it came time to have sex with this person, I always felt like I was betraying myself because I'd ask myself, this guy doesn't even show up for me, why am I allowing myself to have sex with him? And anytime I had sex with such a person, like I said, I'd pay for it emotionally, I always got my feelings really, really hard.
Consent is very wholesome and your body's behavior will be able to tell you if you want to be here if you start listening to yourself and listen to the person that you want to have sex with as well. Listen to their comments around sex. Listen to their personal
beliefs. Pay attention to the foreplay, to the way they act before they have sex with you, to the way they act when you're not allowing them to have sex with you, to the way they act when you make them wait, when you set boundaries, when you say no. All this is going to inform the kind of sex experience you're going to have. And you have to be honest with yourself and agree.
And I mean, OK, yeah, some people have sex just for, you know, or not, but be honest with yourself about how you feel about that sex afterwards, especially if you're someone that is consistently and actively working on yourself and trying to be a better person for yourself. Pay attention. How does your heart feel?
How does your head feel? And even if you don't feel anything and you don't care about it, pay attention to that as well because why is it that you're unable to show up emotionally in your day-to-day life? You're not able to attach emotion to things that require
emotion. And you might argue that they don't, but just pay attention and ask yourself these important questions, whether you're married, single, using toys, fucking your situation shape, having sex with your work husband, whatever your situation is, think about it. Pay attention to how you feel in your head and in your chest. And I think this is the most important part, even before you take care of yourself emotionally, psychologically. Let's get to the physical. Go and get tested.
A lot of you guys are not getting tested before you have sex. So you look at someone and you you assume they are fine. Let me tell you, I got into a relationship with this guy and he was good looking, rich, handsome, smelled good, amazing. Any everything was checking out and he was I was happy even when he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was really nice. I was actually enjoying the relationship.
But the first time I had sex with this guy, we did not use a condom, by the way, I I tried to advocate for myself. Of course I not, of course, but I ended up getting too scared because I felt like he wasn't listening to me because he said, you know, now you're my wife. Why do we need to use condoms
wrong. I should have just listened to myself and kept advocating for myself and we had sex without a condom and he came in me. I had never let anyone come inside me ever, ever in so many years. Yeah. So I was shocked. I felt, I don't know if I felt violated. I wasn't sure if I had consented. I was just so confused because I kept saying he's my boyfriend and I brought myself here. So why am I feeling very conflicted about me accepting him to have sex?
But it's because the feelings were not in alignment. I wasn't sure That's why it wasn't a resounding yes. It was me being very confused and kind of being coerced because if I really wanted to I feel like it would have gone differently. Anyway we had sex and he came inside me and immediately I got a yeast infection immediately.
I have I had never got a yeast infection ever before in my life and the only thing that was different was in my life current that at that time was him having sex with me and coming inside me. Let me tell you I battled a yeast infection for like 3 months that refused to go away and it was so bad. My symptoms weren't bad or anything, I wasn't suffering from it, but just the fact that they did. The relationship didn't last.
We were together for like a month, but I ended up having to treat something for more than three months that wasn't going away. And you see, I paid. I paid. That was the consequences of my actions. I refused to listen to myself. I refused to listen to my mind, my body, all red signals were
going off. I brainwashed myself into thinking this is what I wanted and this is what I accepted while the whole time my mind and my heart were having the internal monologue to tell me yo something is not right. Work on this fixes. So don't be like me, be better than me and pay attention to yourself. Go and get tested. They're both of you together. Get screened. Get your tests done and use condoms. Good pussy management means that get checked so that you can get healed.
It also means that you have to eat well, you have to love your body. Pay attention to the things that make you feel good because this is what will accelerate your libido. On DWJI did an episode with Kate when we talked about sex in long term relationships are linked it in the description so that you can you can see her explanation of what helps you increase your libido emphasis. Let me go back to getting tested. It's like I've skimmed through it.
Use condoms and get tested. You can never trust anyone. You can never trust anyone. Everyone is a liar, everyone pretends and a lot of people are very predatory. You have to get tested. You have to stay on your game consistently. Make sure that you're in check with your emotional, psychological, physical health because all of this is sexual safety.
Vet the people you have sex with and make sure you want to because the feelings that you get and the thoughts that you get afterwards are going to be yours to deal with. Especially if this person is you call them nonchalant or avoidant or they don't want to talk to you, they don't want to address anything. Your feelings are going to be yours to deal with later. Your anxiety, your thoughts,
your overthinking. It is you is going to be alone in your house overthinking when this person will probably be fucking the next person because maybe they don't have the capacity to introspect or maybe to them you're just a nut. That's why you have to be very intentional from the beginning, from the kind of people you talk to, not just from people you have sex with. It starts with who do you associate with and what kind of person are you to indicate what
are you settling for? Who do you talk to? Who do you surround yourself with? Because all of this is going to changia a lot towards your sexual safety. If you settle for less, you're definitely going to be sad. You're definitely going to feel bad about not choosing yourself. And when it comes to self-care, there is also aftercare. Aftercare is what you do after you have sex, the things that you enjoy for yourself.
And I'll share a few things that I enjoy for myself so that maybe you can be able to pinpoint what it is you like for yourself and you enjoy the most. So for you to experience aftercare, you have to 1st know what it is that you want and need after sex. What are your immediate needs? Some people love to roll over and sleep, but I would advise that you get out of bed, go to the toilet, pee clean your yourself. Meet me personally, I like
taking a shower. I hope my sexual people I've had sex with do not think it's something I have against them because is it? There's this episode on Sex and the city. This priest every time he would have sex with Miranda, he would shower immediately. Doesn't matter if they fucked like five times in a night, he would go in the shower all the time immediately. Or someone sent me M pesa. Oh, it's my mum. Amazing. I love being her daughter.
She really takes care of me and she makes me make sure I'm really happy. So this guy would shower all the time after sex. For me, it's just I don't want to be sticky and, you know, smelly and I don't want, you know, all the juices and fluids on me. But I guess this is how I feel when I'm having sex with someone I shouldn't be having sex with. So I just decided to prevent this. Let me just not have sex with anyone I don't I shouldn't be having sex with.
It's important that you know what you need, especially after sex. I'll start with financial Mimi, how my body is set up. I'm very much unable to have sex when I feel financially insecure, when I'm not safe financially, like my bills are not paid, I'm anxious about how I'm going to get things done, you know, blah, blah, blah. If I'm anxious about that, then chances that I will be able to orgasm or not are very slim. And this is something I know
about myself. That's why I stay on top of my game when it comes to my finances. I make sure I'm very financially secure. I make sure I'm comfortable and safe, and I feel good about myself because I know it translates in all the other aspects of my life. I try to make sure my finances are good for me, for myself, and I would like for my partners to also be financially comfortable so that they're not coming to
make me feel weird. That guy who gave me a yeast infection, this guy, you know, to get me, he pretended that he was rich. He acted like he had the money because that is usually a prerequisite for me to even talk to a man. I don't like men who are dependent on women financially. I've talked about this because that's the kind of home I grew up in and that definitely it gives me PTSD. I don't want a man depending on my money, so I need him to have his own money.
And this guy, one time he started making me, not really making me because I did it out of my own will, but like I was having to start paying for stuff like paying for a lot of things in the relationship. I didn't mind because I liked him, but it started to just feel weird. It started feeling like this is not the kind of relationship I. I want to be in, I don't want to be in a relationship where my mom looks at me when it's time to pay for something.
And immediately that changed the dynamics we had around sex. I stopped being horny for him. I stopped wanting him because I was thinking I just, and he would make jokes about why don't you pay my rent for me. It turned me all the way off because we were really fresh into the relationship and such discussions were very awkward for me. For a grown man who was like 12 years older than me to expect me to pay. Oh my God, it made me feel very,
very weird physical after sex. I love cuddles, I love when my mind helps me clean up and I love hanging out. I love touch and just talking and laughing and being in each other's presence. One time there's this guy who I really, really liked. He called for me the Uber immediately. We woke up in the morning and I've never stopped thinking about that. And that traumatized me. I don't like going to people's houses anymore because I don't want to be chased.
I don't want anyone telling me I have a busy day. You have to leave. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That doesn't make me feel safe. And that's why I love to have sex in a very secure situation where I can feel safe. I feel welcomed. I feel like I can hang out without being scared and vice versa. Our space needs to feel like we feel welcomed and wanted. The moment that, you know, goes away, then it ends.
And my emotional needs is, you know, discussing afterwards, talking about how we feel, talking about the sex that we just had. Let's have a discussion about it. You know, I want to know how did what make you feel when I did that? When I put my tongue there. Let's talk, let's bond on an emotional level because it really, really helps make me
feel safe and comfortable. And some of the sexual needs I have are, you know, let's keep flatting, let's maintain the romance, let's keep touching, let's be present sexually. If you realize this needs a wholesome, I didn't say anywhere to give me money. Kiss me, fuck me said you what? I, I try to explain it in a very wholesome way because these are
my needs. And I'm realizing the more honest I am with myself, it helps me also be able to communicate with my sexual partner and tell them what I need. And it also helps me never settle for less because it's important to have the difficult conversations. They really elevate even your sex. If you can talk about anything, you can love each other. You can fuck nasty and talk about it afterwards. Imagine how comfortable you can be during and after. Hydrate and eat.
It's even better if you're able to share a meal and a drink together. It makes you feel like you care for each other. You know that feeling for after sex and you're drinking water, then you pass the water bottle. It's, it's a feeling of like I care about you and I think about and I want you safe and hydrated. It's, it's a simple small thing, but it's such a huge gesture to me. It also when I pay attention to all these needs that I have, it helps reduce my anxiety around
sex. It helps me not overthink. It improves the sex and my mental health, my self esteem, my mood. I made a clear decision years ago, like over five years ago, that I don't want to have sex. That makes me feel worse after. You know when you have sex with someone and you the whole week you're overthinking, you're sad, you're indecisive, you're scared, you're confused. I promised myself I was never going to have such sex ever
again. I only want to have sex that improves my mental well-being, myself esteem and my mood. I want all the positive feelings towards sex and my lover. I need to feel safety and comfort and all this really really heals my insecurities. Please teach yourself to advocate for yourself by getting to know yourself fast so that you're able to communicate these needs that you have to your partner. Your orgasm and your safety and your comfortability is also your responsibility.
It's not just the other persons, it's yours as well. Having a stable mind, good financial, emotional, sexual, physical health and well-being keeps you stable. It gives you better results. All this is part of sexual safety and aftercare is part of taking care of yourself and this is the ultimate show of love for yourself. Start taking charge of your life sexually. Do not just sit and wait and be oblivious to the processes that
are happening around you. Take charge, love yourself, be intentional, and have great sex.