As I've grown older, I realized that the dynamics in my relationships have been shifting and some of these things have been very difficult to go through because especially when you're younger, 21/22/23, you've kind of made friends or friendships that you would hope would last forever. And I don't know, at that age, I was really, I don't know, siku qua na joaqua touch visuri qua tus. And this meant that breakups were horrendous for me.
I mean, anytime I would be breaking up with a friend or I'd have to let a relationship go, it was something that kept me stuck for so long. And one of the differences I've realized, like one of the shifts in dynamics I realized in my relationships is not just romantic relationships, but all sorts of relationships in general. I always say, if if you've been listening to my podcast for a while, you'll know the history of where I've been, what I've been doing. So it'll kind of make sense.
But if you've not been here long enough, I could update you in like 2 seconds. That I have gone through a series of losses and grief throughout the last few years. Things to do with losing, not nothing serious like this, but like losing jobs, my mom getting sick, having to move out from my parents home, so many different types of losses. And I discuss them and tell you guys how I maneuvered and how I actually went and got through them.
So through these experiences I've learned that even in relationships and friendships, as they end, it will definitely feel like your world is crashing sometimes. But as I've grown older, I've realized that I don't know if it's becoming a pro or it's becoming secure or it's becoming sort of avoidant, but you learn to handle grief and loss a bit better. Not that it's not painful or it doesn't hurt as much. Sometimes it could even be worse than anything you've ever felt before.
But you you're able to give yourself a bit more grace. As you get older, you're able to be a bit more understanding. Letting go is a bit easier. It's not easy. It's just a bit easier because now you're a bit more aware and intentional in the things that you do.
So when something isn't really aligning with the things that you believe in or the things that you want to keep in your life, you know that it's easier for you to let go of it so that you can attract and keep the things that are better for you. So that's one something that's something that I've realized. I've realized that as these dynamics are shifting, as you grow older, your priorities start to change. You become more and more protective of your space, of
your peace. Even things like communication changes because now you're busier. Guys are chasing money, like currently. Actually, I was supposed to record this episode in December because a lot of my friends are getting married. I was feeling, I don't know what I was feeling. I don't know what word would describe the feeling, but it started to register in my brain that my age mates were actually getting hitched and having babies. Very intentionally. Sizing to shuttle Castigia.
Oops. Sizing. The guys are actually doing it very intentionally and for some reason my mind has just never thought in that direction very seriously. I'm consistently thinking about what can I buy for myself? How can I improve my family's life? I've not really been prioritizing my relationships that much.
I don't know if it's me suffering the trauma or losing so many of my friends and it's tongue, but I want to talk about the good side of friendship that I've been experiencing and the side that has been leaving me feeling a bit meh about everything. So as you grow older, the community starts to change because people are different, people are going through different things. These people who are losing their parents is well, are you
losing their businesses? These people who their businesses are booming, they're travelling more, they just put their fuck their cars, they're buying homes, they're making babies, they're having new boyfriends. I think the newest thing in my life right now is that my cat, her name is Honey. Honey is pregnant and she's going to have babies within the month. So that's the most. Oh, and I'm seeing someone new. Is it seeing dating? I don't know. I don't know. I will talk about him.
Maybe tell you guys a little bit about how happy this guy has been keeping me. Lakini, Vituzina Change. Navituni Mingi no una pataki age maybe Nico 29 years old una pataki age Not everyone has the time to keep updating each other
on what they're doing. And like I said, sometimes you start to feel a bit like something that has changed for me this year is I started feeling a bit, not a bit very much more protective of my privacy, very protective of the things I'm doing for myself in my life. Sometimes my mom is my best friend, but sometimes I don't even tell her everything because I feel like telling people things just jinx. Is it so, so many things are
changing. And if you're not In Sync or if you're not being super intentional about being friends, then friendships are dying a natural death. You know, something I was thinking about this week is how, for example, in heterosexual romantic relationships, and I say heterosexual because because a lot of girls were dating men, they don't know, they don't know this feeling, but some people who are dating women know this feeling.
Did you know that when a man likes you, he wants to spend time with you and like not once a month, he wants to spend time with you all the time. And no, not at home in the bedroom fucking or watching Netflix. Like he, he actually will plan stuff. He will plan stuff. He will invite you, he will bring you along. It doesn't matter if he saw you yesterday and the day before and the day before or if all you're going to do is go to the car wash and wash the car and then
he'll take you back home. Or you're going to watch a game, a football game that you know nothing about. Did you know that he'll actually listen when you tell him you're feeling some type of way and you need maybe emotional support and he's not just going to ignore you? Did you know that that's something that have? I say this because as your standards go higher and as you improve and you stay intentional in your relationships, you actually get to experience the good things, the good side of
relationships. When you work on yourself, you're able to notice good people and those are the people you're going to choose for yourself. So it takes a lot of intentionality. I brought that up because not a lot of people are in relationships where they they feel like they can count even on their friends. And let me talk a little bit about that. The reason I have been very protective of my space and my energy and everything about me is that I feel like even now I'm highly intuitive.
By the time I was, I was invited somewhere and I was seated at a table and I just knew even before I said anything, I just knew the people at that table have been talking shit about me. It's not about they didn't treat me badly. They didn't say anything mean to me. They were very nice, very welcoming, but there's just an energy where you can tell these people don't like me.
And something one thing else I've noticed is, you know, especially someone like me who's child free and married, I've not come out to say I'm dating anyone like I'm in a relationship. I've not shown up even in my friendship group with a lover to say this is you get cheated some type of way. I don't know if many people feel this, but I realized that invitations are not as much intention. I mean, you can tell.
You can tell, but when you're the single friend amongst groups where everyone is hitched or a parent, sometimes maybe it's the circle that was in at that time. But I was able to feel, yeah, I don't fit here because even the conversations are different. I have nothing to say about kids. I have nothing to say about my age, my dreams and my goals are very, very different. So most of the time that like a conversation, but I do not float.
Maybe people are feeling weird about inviting me because they can tell that there's a there's an energy of not being able to relate with each other anymore. Like major life events. Sometimes you feel left out even if you attend these things. There's just like a difference in the communication.
There's a difference in it's not the same anymore and when especially you're neuro divergent, it's difficult for you to fake it and act like you're just fine and everything's OK, especially when the energy is not right. But if there's something that I've been learning in relationships and friendships as well, is that if you truly care about someone, it's important to show up. And showing up is not just money because I have that habit of sending money and then not showing up to people's
invitations. Like if someone invites you to their birthday, just show up if you can. And the other, the alternative was staying home to sleep, even if you need to rest. I mean, you know what I mean, within reasonable thought. If you can show up, I'm Tom. If you want to me lose job, show up for people if you can because it truly, truly matters. This is something I was really struggling with, but I think I've become a better friend when
it comes to communicating. And I realized even my communication has improved because now I have people in my life that I want. I'm not around people who I have to fake that I want to be around or I have to hide my personality. It's just a bit easier for me now to communicate like, hey, I'm not coming. I love you, but I don't feel like coming or I'm going to come for 5 minutes and then I'm going to leave. And I'm realizing the people around me are much more
understanding as well. They have, they are on my level when it comes to listening and hearing and showing up. So it just makes the relationship so much easier. By the way, I ended up dropping everyone who was just a lip service. You know, there's people who are in your life and listen, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with them or that you should cut them off. It just depends with the kind of showing up that you require for
yourself in the relationship. There's so many people in my life who gave me a lot of lip service. You know, I love you. I want to be in your life. Please don't give up on me. I want us to be. I want to be your friend. I want to be what? But I was realizing that I was carrying the bulk of the relationship with the consistent planning, showing up, asking, staying, walking, walking. And after a while, it just gets draining when the relationship is not feeling reciprocated.
And you see it's a fine line between being very understanding and showing grace because sometimes the other person that you're trying to be friends with is actually going through stuff. This time. You will go through seasons where people go through grief, people go through loss, people have mental illnesses, people are broke. They're not going to to be able to show up in the ways that they
usually did. But it takes a lot of discernment for you to be able to say, hey, I know this is not how you usually are, but I'm willing to stick it out with you until we get through to the other side, no matter what it takes or how long it takes. But these people who just never show effort, they have never since day one, they just talk and talk and talk and say, this is what I want, this is what we
should do this. But they never really actually show up. It's so important that you're able to descend between the people who sacrifice and compromise and the people who just keep you around because they want to suck your energy. They love feeling loved by you. They love being able to brag about you being in their life, even if it's not to other people, to themselves. They just love being able to say. Or sometimes they're just enjoying your peaceful, calm,
beautiful, happy energy. But there's nothing but they're pouring into the relationship. And I get it, we don't always have to be giving the same, but at least something. Una Joy is a relationship, Zenituko. Except to your Mamako, it's only your mother who can love you
unconditionally. Everyone else is expecting something from you, whether it's company, sex, kisses, affirmation, good energy, love, money, peace, whatever it could be. When there's no give and take, it's almost as if there's no effort being registered towards growing and helping the relationship thrive. OK, that's me on a personal level. When I do my introspection and I'm thinking, how does this
person make me feel? If it's blank, then there's no need for us to be calling each other friends because we don't hang out, we don't talk, we don't update each other on anything. And listen, there's friendships that can withstand that. But remember I said there's a
very big difference. You will always be able to tell between someone who actually loves and gives a fuck and someone who just talks, but there's nothing that they're doing to put any energy towards the relationship that you're trying to build. I say this because as you get older, you need a lot of intentionality in the things that you're doing, whether it's in business, in romance, in relationships. You need a lot of
intentionality. You need people that you can trust to come through for you, whether it is in sickness or in health. You need people that you can count on. You need people that you can cry to, people you can laugh with. You actually need to put a lot of intention when it comes to building a community. This is not something that just happens by chance. The kids to your, the uncle, the relatives to your kids are going to be the friendships that you've been building.
The people who will come to eat with Junior Machoma are the people you've been loving on. There's no one else. I mean, you could invite anyone to eat, but you know what I mean? So building community and friendships and relationships takes a lot more intention than sometimes you may think. That's why it's super important to be very intentional. I said my mom has been my best friend and she truly is a constant in my life because I tell her everything and she always shows up for me.
But you know, that's how I'm able to notice a difference with other relationships because let me give an example. The last job that I had, I was talking about when you're single and child 3, how you're treated a bit differently in friendships. The last job that I had, we used to change some money monthly to Kilipwa. It was like a charmer. I don't know. I don't know if it's called a merry go round and everyone
would Chuck some money. This money would go towards making sure that in case there's someone who needs Chango, there's some money somewhere in a Kitty. So that is a month when you're not able to contribute. And some of the events that the money would go towards was grief. Let's say if you experience loss of a close family member, like in the nuclear family, if you're getting married, if you're doing a Russia, if you're doing a baby
shower. I don't know if graduation was there, but most of the events were around you having family. So at that time I was not really close to my family like that. And I had just moved out into my own space. I was really struggling with pills. It was really crazy. I was consistently scared of sleeping hungry. I was always so stressed out about money. And I realized nobody really cared. There's no one who asked me. You know, you've, you're just moved out.
Do you have cuttings? Do you have food at your house? Are you able to pay rent? But the money in the Kitty would consistently go to the people who are in relationships, the people who are getting married, the people who have having kids. So I figured out that if I was going to be single, nobody was really ever going to care about me or care to check in or care to wonder if I'm fine. And if I have, it's almost as if the world just doesn't notice you.
You have to be hitched or connected to someone or some family for people to remember that you need help as well. And this went on even when you know my friends who at that time in relationships that were a bit more personal, our only colleagues. So maybe you wouldn't take it personally, but people that now are a bit closer to me. Like I said, I realized the invites would almost seem like I don't know last minute, you know, like someone invited me someone who I considered really close.
I just give out eco podcast. Someone I considered really close to me had never talked to me about their husband, never were friends, had never. I didn't even know they were dating. Invited me to their wedding. I'm thinking isn't a wedding something so intimate? How do you invite me to your wedding and I know nothing about your husband. OK, fine, I don't know nothing about him. But even if I come, wouldn't?
I don't know, it just seems a bit pretentious for me because I wouldn't invite someone to my wedding that I haven't spoken to in so many years. Why? Why would I do that? Seems a bit bizarre, right? As is true to Roberta's fashion, of course I contributed money to them. But I was thinking, how many times will I contribute to people I haven't spoken to in years while nobody ever checked up on me when my mom had cancer?
That's true. 3 two years ago and I finally opened up, opened up about it. Not many people really called me to check in on me and ask me if I needed anything, especially the people that I considered my friends. I had to lose and shed so much dead weight. I had to. That situation alone showed me Annie. What will it take for people to remember that I'm a human being who has feelings and I also go through stuff and I need to be considered in friendship
especially. And then it reminded me of when I was doing my graduation party and I sent out my graduation party invites and no one showed up. The party only had my mom's friends. Not even the guy I was seeing at that time showed up. And you see that reckoning when it hits you and you realize, Oh my goodness, these people don't even know me. They don't even like me. Nobody actually checks in on me. Nobody checks in to know if I have food.
They just assume because I'm always so fine and you know, well kept and I always show up. Everyone just assumes my life is I don't need anything or I don't need anyone. And this is this shows up a lot, especially when people say they connect to men like Fanika. So you come and you so angry men's like recognizable Sasa Nanisawa lakinia kunam tufikiriya Mina Naita G pesa. What makes you not think that maybe I don't even have shopping at at home or maybe I haven't
even paid my light bill. Or maybe this time I need you to show up for me or I don't even need you to give me any money. I have a blog, I have a podcast. Go and share my stuff. Go and share my link. Tell your friends about it.
But people are consistently asking give me this post this for me, do this for me. It's like I Kwani everyone just consistently thinks about themselves and if you don't take a step back and give yourself the attention that you need and the time to just love yourself without expecting from anyone else, you will get drained and you will not see sick way. Receive kasababu Mimi skukuanam Toto Mimi skukuanaza Mimi skukuana katiana which I find is very unfair.
Someone should have asked me, can I buy you a thermos or a hot pot or a plate or a cup for your house? You just recently moved out? But anyway, it has, like I was saying, this checkpointing has helped me remove idlers from my life and to focus more on myself and the quality of relationships
that I I want. I mean, it's not easy and it needs, it requires a lot of choosing myself and a lot of letting go. But it's worth it because I have ended up somewhere where I'm truly happy with the kind of relationships I've been able to build. I'm happy with the people in my life right now. People who show up for me consistently, people I can count on, people I can call, people I love, people who want me in their lives, people who show me that they want me in their lives
consistently. I have no doubts whatsoever. I'm consistently feeling needed. And in time, it is teaching me to be able to ask for help and love and good feelings as well. It's different, but it's fine. And part of this discovery and growth is accepting that you will have to go to different seasons and phases. And sometimes it'll come with a lot of loss. But at the same time, it will be replaced with a lot of beautiful, more refined
relationships. As long as you're being intentional with the kind of standards that you want for yourself. Even within married circles, kuna levels, kuna levels even amongst single people, only kuna levels, even amongst people who don't have kids and have kids. There's so many differences because we're all living very different lives. But the people who we consistently choose you and show you grace and communicate and show up and love you, you will always feel it in your heart.
Even if you guys are apart or are separated by continents, you also have to realize that you can't go everywhere we were with everybody. You have to allow yourself to for the things in your life to just follow in alignment. Even within present circles. It's important that you look out for how you feel because some people would will drain you. Kunawa Tangina and Akanga working go through Mashida consistently, negativity consistently.
Yani Niko point in my life where I'm realizing I have to be super intentional with everything because it actually matters. The choices I'm making right now are very much informing the kind of person I'll be in 10 years, and I want to enjoy life consistently. The best way to have better friends is also by being a better friend. You can't just sit and expect. You actually have to become and do. You have to show up and you have to be, you have to be someone who provides comfort, trust,
love. You have to work on your traumas, your emotional needs. You have to work on your mindset. You have to work on your money because it it is expensive hanging out with your friends and being around each other. It's not cheap as well. Like it's a very wholesome sort of growth. You have to work on yourself wholesomely so that you're able to enjoy the best sort of relationships. Relationships also require a lot of forgiving, a lot of
appreciation, a lot of grace. And I'm learning that it's normal to outgrow people. It's normal to feel weird, it's normal to feel, to also make mistakes and to hurt people and to get hurt by people. Maybe the people who love you the most are the people who are going to hurt you the most. That's what I'm saying. Takes a lot of grace and forgiveness and kindness for you to be able to move past and walk
on and fix relationships. But the one thing that you will require over and over and over is the intentionality and wanting to show up and wanting your friends. See, I hope this episode will leave you thinking about the kind of friendships that you're cultivating right now. Think about if you're happy and if you feel loved and wanted within your circle. Mimi Saisi I feel very content with the kind of friends I'm around.
I'm around people who are helping me level up in so many ways, and I'm making new friends consistently. And I'm also breaking up with a lot of people. But I'm very fine with how things are. I think I'm getting the hang of how these things walk, but it is a roller coaster. I'm also learning to show myself grace so that I'm able to be loved in the right way.
In the previous episode about I think emotion versus logic, I talked about how I always have these meetings with my friends where I asked them, how can I be a better friend? And then I listen to their feedback and I do my best on trying to be better. So checking in even with your friends on how you are emotionally, constantly being aware of the things that you need to nourish your friendship. It matters. Love your friend and show up for
them and be very intentional. Do not take a back banner and then expect the same love. I mean, there's people who will still love you like that, but don't be a lazy lover. Love is action, so it has to show up. Think about the kind of friendships you require and let me know in the comments section what you think about this episode.