Every time I listen to someone speak, I'm always thinking, Oh my goodness, this person is so smart and it usually fascinates me how quickly the things they're thinking in their mind and the way they say the words and deliver to someone else. It's so quick, like the connection is so quick, and I used to wonder how are great speakers able to do this, especially hanging around the people I've been hanging around
the last couple of years. A lot of amazing speakers and authors, writers, actors, poets, Yanni, Wasetuana, Jokubonga. It always made me wonder what is it that this person is doing so that it's so easy for them to be able to communicate a message so much easier without stuttering, without fear and anxiety. So it was always something I always wanted to learn. And growing up, I was really, I was really, how can I say, Nilikum no Masana in languages throughout my schooling.
So even the English, like the language teachers used to love me a lot because of how I used to write and how I used to speak. And I got a lot of compliments growing up about my eloquence and how I speak, but it's not something I thought was a big deal. And then when I grew up and started meeting people who I actually admired and who commanded, you know, that energy of being like, they can make an audience listen. They can command attention in a very beautiful way.
Yeah. I always strived to be that kind of person. Recently, I've been getting a lot of compliments about from people who either listen to the blog or watch me every week on the Daybreak show on Citizen TV. It's normally on Tuesdays in the morning at 8:00 AM. People who watch me or consume my stuff, even on the Dialogues of Jagiro podcast, even Jagiro himself, my friends, my family, sometimes they ask me, how do you do it? How are you able to speak and communicate your thoughts and
your words so clearly? And I realized the same way I ask about people who I feel like are better than me is how the people who watch me notice how good I am. And they have the same questions because they're trying to be lamb. I guess wanting to be a great comes from interest. First of all. It comes from curiosity, comes from you asking questions and even thinking is this a good thing and how will it benefit me? How does me being able to communicate my thoughts and my feelings benefit me?
Or how does it make me a better person? Asking yourself such questions puts you in a space where you're able to want to learn and be teachable. And I guess me having this curiosity is something that actually sparked a new energy for my career and me wanting to do the things that I'm doing right now.
I mean, with my podcast, with my intimacy and relationship coaching, with my media speaking and just anywhere, anywhere you see me yapping and talking, it's a genuine interest, something that I eventually ended up wanting to perform. Because even if you like something, if you're not working towards you becoming better at it, you kind of remain average.
And I always remember this talk Caroline Mutoko gave somewhere, I can't remember where we were at, and she was speaking, I think it was at school when I was at Daystar. She came to give a speech and she said something about how you being great and you wanting better is something anyone can do, but also you choosing to remain average and just being OK with what you have and what you want currently.
There's no problem with it, but you have to realize you having an average yearning for learning keeps you in an average life, makes you drive an average car, gives you average friends, average marriage, average children. Your money is average. The way you speak is average. The things you'll do are going to be average. It's just going to be to have one average life.
So you have to make the decision if what you want is to be average in the things you do, or you have the option to actually be the best at whatever you're setting out to do and not in competition with other people. It's just with yourself. Me reaching a point in my life where I was able to say, OK,
yeah, everyone loves way. I mean, everyone at least that has met me or is around me, compliments me about how I speak, what I say, my eloquence and my vast knowledge of the things I'm really interested in. I used to think, you know, I know how to speak. I know how to it doesn't matter.
But then you I realized that that was just the average level, exposing myself to people who are way better than me at whatever it is that I was doing, even if they were in different fields or different levels and ages in their lives. It taught me, Oh my God, Kumbe, I can do even better than I am right now. Of course, I started pushing myself to emulate and be better, and I think this is healthy.
I don't know if I can call it comparison, but it's healthy where you see someone else who's better than you and then you try to to match. I think that's a really healthy way of you putting yourself in a position to learn and do better. Someone in the DMS on Instagram asked me how are you such a great speaker? How do you do it? And I was like, I should probably talk about it so I can share all the knowledge I have on it. If someone is trying to learn and be better than me, it's
going to help benefit them. And I'm going to give you a little bit reassurance. This advice does not just focus on speaking. I'm sure you could probably apply it in all other areas of your life. Like as always on this podcast, we could be talking about something, but if it it's in another area of your life, well and good should use it and apply it and learn it.
The reason I started Love and Orgasms podcast is because I wanted to create a space where talking about discussions that were a bit taboo in the African setting was made easier. And this is sex and relationships, especially for women. This meant that I wanted to create an authentic space where I have No Fear of sharing my thoughts and my feelings. And actually, that's the description on my website when you go to loveandorgasms.com.
It's just a space for me to talk about the things I'm feeling and thinking without caring who is going to see it, who is going to read it. It's my journal of some sort. But it's me growing with whoever wants to grow with me and teaching the things that I've learned along the way so that I don't leave anyone who listens to me behind. Because this, this has to be joint effort.
Because if I'm able to do better and everyone around me is doing well, then we're all winning and we can all be there for each other to remind each other in the times that, you know, you're going through a plateau in your life or a valley so that by the time you're ready to get back up the mountain, you're going to lift me up. If I'm down, it's for all of us
to grow. It's a Sunday afternoon, OK evening, and I've been preparing for my set of meetings and interviews and everything that I have lined up for the week. I like to prepare in time so that I'm not surprised about anything. And I find that it also gives me a lot of confidence when it comes to me speaking in public. I mean, always being a great speaker, or at least always being told I am already gave me the validation that, you know, I can do no wrong. That meant I used to wing a lot
of these things. I'd wing a lot of meetings. I'd wing a lot of just a lot of things because I don't know, I, I know I ended up teaching myself how to have this alter ego. I'm always joking about how sometimes I feel like, you know, that thing. Rihanna says she was asked this question. What do you do on the the days where you don't feel confident? And she said fake it. So I think that's how me having
a lot of confidence began. I just woke up one day and decided, yo, there's nothing to learn. There's no lessons or things I should go and watch on YouTube. So you do this, do this. It's just me deciding, okay, you know what, I'm going to be confident. And that's what I started doing. People tell me you're so confident, but they don't know I'm actually about to pee my
pants in front of an audience. But I guess I think everyone gets anxious, especially in the beginning of, you know, something new that you've never tried out or something that you're trying to learn or even if you're a pro, sometimes you're probably going to get a bit anxious. And I want to talk about how to overcome this anxiety and help you become well equipped, especially in today, specifically in matters about being a great speaker.
So last year in 2024. I usually plan my years ahead. I don't know if this is crazy, you can tell me if you think it's crazy in the comments, but I usually plan my yearly calendar of activities and everything that I should be doing work wise especially I always plan it in December, the December preceding the new year so that the whole year I'm entering January very relaxed knowing I always know what I'm
supposed to do when by when. I've already planned it all out from January to December and then everything else that happens is just about me fixing it into my calendar where there's a space. And I like that because it helps me become very prepared mentally. I go into the new year knowing what I want to achieve, the goals I have for the year. Yeah, and most times I surpass this goals. I've talked about this year before. I surpass this goals way before
the time. Sometimes it's just in March and I've done everything I said I wanted to do. I'm left with the rest of the year to just fill my days in, which is such a good thing because not only does it give me the validation that I don't know if it's validation I'm usually seeking, but it gives me a lot of confidence, like in myself.
And it makes me fall more in love with myself because I get so excited about keeping my watch to myself and doing the things I said I was going to do. It does make me feel really,
really good. And sometimes I achieve these goals even without looking at my to do lists and planners just because already in December, I already knew what I wanted to do. I'll end up my, I don't know if it's a, it's a manifesting thing, but I'll end up finding out, figuring out I've done everything I wanted to do so much earlier into the year than even I intended. And of course, this is a good thing.
It's a good feeling. In the December of 2023, I had decided for 2024, I wanted to expand my speaking capabilities and I wanted to be a professional speaker, someone who speaks for a living rather gets paid to speak. And it's not something I thought about a lot, but my end goal is, I don't know if I should share now, but my end goal for what I'm doing, is it really an end goal? I don't know if it's an end goal.
I've always wanted to have my own TV show where I can do the things I'm doing, but I'm not the production team. I'm just the face of things because that I think is what I enjoy the most. And I know I do this on TV, but I want something that is mine where I can achieve and grow all these things I have in my head. When I think about myself, when I was really, really young, I used to religiously watch the
Oprah show and Tyra Banks show. And I remember thinking one day I'm going to be on TV like these beautiful women. So anytime I'd watch TV and the woman was hosting a show, I used to think one day this is going to be me.
I never knew how this is going to work because even as a kid, I don't think I knew I was going to study broadcast journalism in school, but I had, I always had this feeling that I was going to end up on TV. And so I, I all along, since I will, I left school, my career has always been towards the media and speaking, yapping just things around, speaking even with my podcast, even with my blog.
My intention as always to share, been to share the information that I have so that I can grow with everyone else around. And in my diary, I wrote and made posters and posted them out there and I made a rate card and I said, you know what? This is what I'm going to do in 2024. I wasn't really serious about it at first. It was just me putting it out there into the universe.
And not long after I started getting bookings to speak at events and parties and like Bachelorette parties and forums, seminars, meetings, just even schools events.
And it's just I've got an invite into so many, OK, not many a few, I mean enough within that time that I wasn't expecting spaces for me to speak and practice and share my talents of speaking now on a very or on a more professional setup, Not that the things I don't know professional, but you get, I mean corporate setup, maybe I could call it that than I had ever expected in my life and getting this invite, should we?
All I needed to do was say and accept this is what I want and then put it out there into the universe that this is what I want to do. And then sometimes I would agree to some of the actually when these invites were coming in, I was just agreeing. I wasn't really thinking about it. I kept saying yes, yes, yes. The good thing is I was already prepared. I already had a rate card. So I just kept saying yes, yes,
yes. I was getting excited when I'd get the invites, but when I sit down and I was sober and I was now having to do the preparation for me speaking in front of audiences, I would panic because Nashanga, Oh my God, when did I agree to do this? How did I even agree to do this? Is this really what I I want? Am I ready to put myself out there where people are looking at me as I speak and they're, they're judging me, how I look, how I say my words, the things I say? Do I look anxious?
Was I really ready for this? But there's something a friend, someone told me. It's actually been so one time were talking and he told me never say no if there's something he's learned from for himself is never say no if you're in a position or in a situation where you're being offered an opportunity to do better and learn better or something interesting. Even if you do not like it's not something that you would typically like. Even something as simple as even your friends.
Let's say you don't like going out and your friends are like, yo, we haven't seen you in a while. Come out Instead of finding an excuse to say no, think about it and just say yes. Just go you, you learn the lessons or you'll fail, or you'll succeed later and then you'll be able to judge the situation from there rather than you saying no and never learning, never putting yourself in active situations which can make you a better person overall. And that's what I did.
I continued to throw myself out there, but this is not starting now. I've always been this kind of person. This advice just put the words like it made me remember vividly like yes, I'm on the right
track. It gave me a bit of reassurance what I do to prepare before I'm I give a speech or I'm going to speak somewhere even for TV. I've also said this before here, the first when I started TV, not when I started TV when I started the Daybreak show on citizen TV because I started TV way earlier, but when I started doing the Daybreak show on citizen TV, everyone on the panel was an ex is an expert at
everything that they're doing. They're people who've been speaking for 20 plus years or people who like they're really experts at what they do. And when I was invited on the panel, I used to wonder what how am I in this panel? How did this guys guys choose me? What did they see in me? What is it? What is it that made them say this is who we want? And it scared me a little bit. But after a while, I started to realize that the reason I was on this panel is because I belong
here. They looked and searched for the people who can be like this or can be better than this or can be willing to learn and do better. And they said, Roberta, it's you. And they picked me. Meaning there's something about me that makes me shine when it comes to speaking. And anytime my colleagues would speak, I would think, Oh my God, this person is so smart. How do they know that? I was consistently being wowed by these people.
I was in close proximity too. And of course, it was forcing me to want to level up. It was just making me want to be like them. It excited me that I was around people I could learn from, and this is such a good thing. It forces me to be the kind of person who does my research. Before I show up for anywhere, I'm going to speak, ask around, and I learn from my friends. I'm never afraid to ask questions, to figure out what their thinking process is, to
learn from them. And This is why it's really important who you're hanging around, the people who you call your friends. I personally feel like I love being in rooms where everyone else is smarter than me, better than me, hotter than me, kinder than me, more respectful than I am, just way better than me. So that I can copy them, so that I can learn from them. Because sometimes you think you're kind and then you meet someone who is really practicing kindness and it inspires you. OK.
That's what happens for me when I meet someone who's better, like even a dressing, I'll notice. Oh my God, that fashion sense is so amazing. How can I, what can I do to elevate mine or, Oh my God, they speak so well, how can I be like them? And I love hanging out around people who are better than me because I'm consistently just looking and scanning and ready
to ask questions. So if I'm around you and I start asking weird questions, OK, they're not weird, but the questions you probably typically wouldn't be asked, understand that I'm just a student and I'm trying to learn from you, trying to be like you. And this is in a positive way, not like in a, in a way that I'm trying to harvest your energy or, or I envy you or to copy you in a bad way. It's basically me being inspired and flattered and learning from you. I love to do that.
And because I'm like this, I also love people to learn from me. That's why I'm always forthcoming with information. If I know something that other people don't know, I'm always willing and ready to share because I need all of us to shine together. If it's a nice fragrance, I want all of us to smell good.
There's a time I used to have a friend who when we'd hang out and I'd use her perfume, those I couldn't, maybe I couldn't afford perfume or I can't remember, but that's probably it. And when I'd use her perfume because I didn't have, she would get so angry and she would say, you know, don't use the same scent as me. I don't want us to smell the same.
And now when I think back, Mimi, I love for people to smell like me. I love for people to to even get an even better combo than me so that we can all share and grow. That's just how my brain works. So I don't understand some things I don't know, maybe I'll never understand and maybe be there's a thing about individuality that also is
amazing. But I just feel like in moments where I can share and we can all be better and it will benefit you, then I'd love to I'd love to make you as good as I am or even better than me. This meant that I had to put myself also in positions where I was ready to practice. This is where saying yes comes. Practicing builds your confidence. Putting yourself in spaces where you're willing to practice and practice could look like anything I speak in my house alone.
You can imagine I'm recording this podcast on my own. I'm just yapping into my mic and I'm just here by myself. Maybe I'm a good I'm really good at monologues, but practicing even in front of the mirror, recording yourself to listen to how you sound, it builds your confidence. A few weeks ago I was at some auditions. They haven't called me back. I hope they do. And the camera man there shout out to Mike. He was really good at helping me calm my nerves.
Mike said to me, you know, you have access to this set, so the best place to practice is here. Come over, let me know. I'll arrange for you. Practice with the lights, with the cameras rolling, with you just being in your element. Dress up, like show up. It's like it's a real thing. And come in and practice. I could help you out with that.
And that made me feel really like the universe is consistently conspiring to make sure that I achieve everything that I set out to do. I really like that energy and just try. Do not be afraid to try. Literally what's the worst that you could do? Being told no, being ignored, being rejected. That's part of the process, it's part of life. Try. The thing is, you get better as you try and it's scary for anyone, even people who are pros or people who have been doing it for a while.
I personally thought it would be easy for me, but being on stage is a very different thing. Being in front of an audience, even being in front of a camera, when you don't know what to expect, it's not easy. Recently, I was invited to the Rotary, Rotary Club of Hallengam. And for that speech, I was completely well prepared. Like I really took my time and prepared myself.
And this made me more confident. Someone asked me during that, after my speech, during the Q&A session, how are you so confident? How do you stay so confident? And you set farm boundaries and you become the person that you are. And honestly, my answer is to just pretend. Be delusional. Act like you are it that thing for faking it till you make it.
Use it to your advantage. Of course, when you're not hurting people, if it's something that is going to make you a better person, just act confident. There's nothing anyone can tell you. I mean, you could be encouraged and reassured into teaching yourself, but until the day, in the deepest of your hearts that you decide, you know what I'm going to, even if I'm really scared and afraid of many things, I'm just going to pretend and show up like that. It really, really works.
Have you guys heard about the law of assumption? It means you have to become, just do it. Do it. Start and you learn. Later. I realized that anytime I was ever anxious, even in these events, a few events that I've been invited to throughout the year, anytime I was anxious, it's because I was ill prepared. It's because I didn't do my research well. I didn't take it seriously,
especially for the unpaid gigs. I wasn't putting my energy into it. But I realized it doesn't matter to other people whether it was a paid gig or it wasn't. Someone who attends and sees me is going to be able to tell if I'm a good speaker or not. And that shouldn't be judged from whether I was paid or not. If I'm a good speaker, I should be able to show up like that all the time.
But you guys don't invite me to things where you don't want to pay me, compensate me unless it's for charity, you know, or something like that. New and Guinea, just come up with a budget because I really do put in my effort. This is not something that comes just easy. I've gone to school for this stuff and me trying to turn it into a career. I need your support.
I need you to encouraging me by helping me keep my light will on. So yeah, anytime was anxious and I read this, this, I read it in a tweet actually. Like anytime you are anxious, you realize it because it's because you are ill prepared because when you just take the time and do the work and prepare well, do your research, do your, you know, take your time, study, you show up really confident. Even if you don't know much, you're able to stick with the confidence. OK.
You will probably know much if you do your research and your study and that's why you end up so confident. Something else is a big no to drugs before set, you know, no glass of wine. Come on, Navuta Bangi, what channel tuna or just show up sober. Show up as yourself. You, you might think you know, OK, maybe it's easier for you to use something to calm your nerves, some chamomile tea or something, but I think it's better that you teach yourself to show up raw and authentic and
just as yourself. This is something that also will help you build your confidence when it comes to speaking because even your audience, when they're giving you feedback, you'll feel it's genuine. You'll be able to tell, OK, it's true. I did put in the effort in my work. And so if they point out something, I'll be able to take it on a good note. I'll be able to feel good about myself even if I feel like I failed. Just basically know your stuff as you're studying and researching.
Don't study to cram and to master what to say and to remember what to say or to regurgitate information. Personalize it. Become what you're speaking. Know it by heart so that you can say the same thing anytime, anywhere, under whatever situation you're in because it is your truth and it's something you truly believe in.
Speak about the things you're passionate about because that makes it easier for for you to to to be interested and to want to talk about it. Remember in the beginning, I said this all comes from interest. Me wanting to be a better speaker is something that was constant in my life. So it's something I always had interest in and that's why I am the way I am. And the next one is for you to breathe. Breathe to pressure. Watch a Raqqa, watch a story mob
pom want to breathe. If you're anxious, just know it's OK. Everyone gets a little anxious sometimes, and anxiety is something that is completely controllable. This is where the practice comes. The more you do it, the more you try, the more you put yourself out there, the more you keep your word to yourself, the more you teach yourself to be confident. It gets easier as you practice. Try to also seek honest feedback from your audience.
Listen to what people say about how they perceive you and how they see you. This is completely relative, but it's good to have your ear on the ground because it helps you see things even from a viewer's perspective, from your audience's perspective. And if there's something you need to, it's going to help you walk on it better. I mean, it's like it's, it's good.
I think it's good to get reviews and feedback because it helps you learn and don't get defensive about it if someone tells you, oh, I didn't like this or you could do better. There's a time I was speaking at this perfume event and this lady, she was dressed so well. She was looking amazing. She just raised her hand and got the microphone and she said straight up in my face. She told me, I wish you were more confident. Speak up, pick up. You're you're you're you're not confident.
OK? She didn't say I'm not confident upon me, OK, My first understanding of the things she was saying. First of all, my heart sunk because I was like, Oh my God, she's calling me out in front of all these people insinuating I'm not confident. Where's she getting that information from? Why would she say that to to me in the middle of me speaking? Is it? What is it? And I felt I felt so bad, but I was standing in the front while she's saying this and I felt so bad.
Like my heart sunk into my rectum. But after all, as I walked to her and she explained to me what she meant, she said, I don't mean like you're not confident. I mean keep going at it. Like keep speaking, keep being confident, keep using your voice. She was encouraging me. But you see, if I was coming from a point of being defensive, I would have thought she was being a hater because even her tone, it sounded like she was telling me I'm not confident. But she was telling me neon
gaze. And to be honest, for that event, I had not prepared as well as I should have. Let's just be honest, I had done a few. I don't know if I can these days. I'm a bit particular, but let me just say I had done a bit of drugs. So I know it showed up because I was anxious. I was ill prepared. I was scared of the audience. I was all these things happening. Maybe she saw through me. She saw it. Even when I see myself in the pictures, my shoulders were shrugging.
I, I, I was just a bit afraid. And it's normal to be anxious. But you see, how I was feeling was a direct correlation with how I was showing up. And I don't want to show up again like that. I don't want to to show up ill prepared or seeming like I don't know what I'm doing here. It's not a good look even for me. I don't want to attach that to the kind of person I am.
And I need people who invite me to be trusting of me to basically to just trust me that I know what I'm doing because I do. I do, but even pros get anxious sometimes. The only difference between a pro and you who still not starting is the confidence to throw yourself out there without the fear of being judged. Adjust and grow. It becomes easier and it becomes second to nature when you put yourself out there. Also consistently reading, watching stuff, listening, being
teachable. It helps you evolve and speak when you get the chance to speak. This is part of the practice. Put yourself in spaces where you can speak. You can, you know, disagree on points. And I'm always watching movies. I realize this adds a lot to my vocabulary. The same way reading a lot of books, even listening to audio
books. It helps a lot of my vocabulary, my pronunciation, my knowledge of grammar, and it's even making me want to learn other languages because it's giving me the confidence that if I can know 2 languages, how about I add the, because I have so many friends who know 4 languages, 5 languages. Like how about I try to do that and be as amazing as that. That's something I should write
in my To Do List for this year. I've been saying I want to learn Italian and Spanish and I know a little bit of French, but just to get better at it. So that's something I should probably do intentionally. And as I finish. It's important that you love yourself and you trust yourself. This will give you a lot more confidence. The more you get to know yourself, the more you know the things you enjoy and the more you're able to accept, to do better and to love yourself even more.
There's so much resources and you could easily reach out even to your favorite speakers. You could easily go on Instagram and message someone that you admire, learn from them, ask them questions. Sometimes we are afraid, Sometimes we are afraid because you don't know. Maybe there's no point. But Mimi personally new on the messages, I always go into my DMS and my emails and I always check. That's how I knew to do this episode because someone personally requested me.
And I hope they they get to see it because I did it for them and for everyone else who is interested. Research, talk to people who you want to be like, surround yourself with people who you admire and teach the people
around you as well. You know, I went to really good schools all my life and I've realized how beneficial it is to me and not just me, but even the people around me because a lot of the things that my mom requires done, let's say if there's anything, reading and writing of documents, speaking, mobilizing, negotiating, anything that my parents are doing, they entrust me to take care of it because, you know, Roberta will read and understand, she'll research,
she'll help write, she will speak. And these are the things I've always wanted to do. So my mom being able to relax and benefit from me even doing her documents and, you know, assisting her understand things better. It's such a good feeling. And it also elevates the lives of the people around me because the more opportunities I'm able to get with what I love to do, the more I'm able to take care of everyone. I me, so everyone wins when one person wins, and that's why I
want all of us to win. These are some of the things I do to become an even better speaker. I do believe I'm a good speaker and I love speaking. I love talking. I love writing, I love singing, I love expressing myself, sharing what I'm feeling and thinking. It's something that comes second nature to me in my life. I hope these tips help. Maybe if you have others you could share with me in the comments, tell me what you think about the episode.
I'm so excited about this being the first episode of the year. And yeah, I can't wait to see to hear more from all of you, to see all the new things we can talk about on the Love and Orgasms. And please check me out everywhere else that I am on the dialogues of Jaguar show. I've got amazing collaborations and interviews coming up on TV as well on my platforms on loveandorgasms.com and here on the podcast. I'm everywhere on able podcasts on Spotify, consistently yapping.
Reach out to me. I also offer one-on-one sessions for intimacy and relationship coaching. Reach out to me. Let's learn how to be emotionally intelligent, how to be intimate, how to love ourselves and how to have good sex. Thank you so much for listening to me. I'm excited to get your feedback. Tell me what you think about this episode and I'll hear from you next time, Toodles.