My colleague and friend, let me say my friend Jaggero was telling me about how he really enjoys my podcast because it's a monologue and he wonders how I can talk to myself or I can just speak non-stop for an hour. Well, it's because I script. I have to sit down and prepare in, you know, at least in chronological order all the things I'm going to say because I'm the type of people who tell six stories in one.
And although I always come back to the main point, sometimes I can really take you on a roller coaster if I just allow myself to keep veering off. So there's some editing also that I do. Of course, it's not just it's not that I'm just so perfect at speaking, but there's a lot of, you know, post, there's a lot of editing done post recording. And that shows me that that if you need something to talk care the way you want it to talk care, you have to prepare.
You have to do the work of preparation. And today I want to talk about how to do this preparation. But when it comes to relationships being very emotionally available and how to know when he's into you, OK, I don't date girls. I've said this here. This is just a disclaimer. Not that I don't, I have it.
I haven't recently. So that's why the podcast is going to be me talking about dating men and I want to kind of recap the kind of year I've had when it comes to, you know, romantic interests and relationships and just show you what I've learnt throughout the years. In comparison, I could compare two years ago with now with because there's a significant difference. And that's what I want to talk about.
This week on the Daybreak show on Citizen TV, we discussed love, how to to receive love and how to give love and how to know you're in a positive and secure and, you know, healthy situation and relationship with people generally. But OK, we narrowed in on the romantic relationships. Lakini I think that's what's inspired me to talk about this because I feel like it was such a coincidence. Actually, this happens a lot. It's usually such a coincidence.
I'll record, I'll have a topic lined out for my podcast and then we'll end up talking about it on TV or I'll end up having to do it on the dialogues of Jaguar show. So everything meshes. If you don't find me on YouTube, you'll find me on TV. If you don't find me on TV, you'll find me on love and orgasms. And I think it's important. Sometimes we need to hear something over and over again. And the podcast might.
This podcast is audio. Sometimes you just want to see my face while I'm saying all these things I say. So that's why you go on YouTube or you catch me on on Tuesday mornings on the Daybreak show. And it's got me in this mood where I kind of want to talk about, you know, the things you
could look out for. I've talked about green flags, I think twice on this podcast before an episode I did with my friend Sherry a couple years back where she was, she was telling me about, you know, she was in a healthy relationship. And we did the episode and she was talking about, you know, the things she notices in her relationship that make her feel very safe and very secure. She's in a really nice
relationship. So I had to bring her on to talk about it. And then the next time was when I was dating some guy I was seeing briefly, I think last year, which was a significant, like a significant jump from the kind of guys I had been dating before him. And so I talked about that. And now I've, I think I've even experienced even better in the last year. And so this is kind of an updated list.
If you want to go back and look for those episodes, you just, you can search green flags and it'll pop up. To be honest, I've been quiet about this. I mean, I have been disclosing that I'm dating someone exclusively currently, but I've been I've not been really talking about the nitty gritties of the relationship or anything about it because not because I'm holding back or I'm hiding. It's just that I don't know. I don't know, Sidri within my
growth. I'm realizing when you really, really appreciate something and you love it and you're happy, you just find yourself not out there telling everyone about it. I'm kind of protective and careful about, you know, even what I say or who I say it to because I don't want bad vibe and you know, people sending bad energy my way. And sometimes I understand it's not intentional intentionally from malice. It's just envy. It's jealousy and it's OK. It's only normal human emotions.
But I think in the same breath, I think it's important I talk about it so that I'm able to show other people besides, this is what this platform is for. It's important I show other people that this is how you need to feel because I feel like there's not so many examples of that. And it's good. It's good you know how to feel and you're able to look out for things. Because to be honest, Mimi, I've been learning on the job. I've been learning on the job and I really like it because I,
I can't hear every. The thing with healing is you think you know stuff and you think you've grown and then boom, you get another level of growth and you're like, what, Jenny? I was settling for less this whole time. Because the more you do the work, the more the reward is for you to enjoy good things. So it's always worth it. Doesn't matter how hard the lessons are or how meaningless they are because there's no real purpose. It's just nice. It's like getting good at a game.
There might be no prize at the end, but you enjoying to play the game, that's the prize. The experiences and the love and the good feelings you get to experience, that's the reward. It's not at the place you get or the the prize you win at the end of the game. But yeah, so Mimi, I think when I was really young, like way younger, I used to have a very, I've talked about feeling very neglected emotionally all
through my childhood. And it is just juicy when I mended my relationship with my parents and also started healing myself, that I was able to learn how to be there for myself and be comfortable with validation for myself without waiting for anything external. It's been a real, real journey I have really put in there. That's why that's why I'm able to reap what I've sowed and I'm able to enjoy the benefits of doing the intentional work on myself.
I always grew up very anxious. I always had this feeling that love cannot find me. I'm very unlucky in love because nobody has ever really loved me genuinely and I was always anxious that everyone would leave because everyone who loved me used to leave. You know, everyone leaves me
now. And I look back, I'm realizing it is in those insecurities I had that I was consistently choosing the same scenarios, the same familiar scenarios over and over and making myself the victim of people leaving me when. But when I learned that I didn't have to be the victim and I can just actually be the one who chooses people also, things changed and I stopped waiting to be chosen. And then it pushed me into this space where I am very self-sufficient.
I mean, I'm able to exist within community and want love, but at the same time, if I'm not getting it from anywhere else, I'm cool. I love myself, I'm fine. I'm not sad that someone hasn't chosen me. I really, really am living my life and then being anxious used to, of course, everyone used to leave me.
Like I said, I was always in relationships with people who I kind of expected to leave me. And then you know what that I think what that did to me is I started becoming an avoidant kind of person now, by the way, easy terms is what Anatunia and is that you could describe You can. I also have an episode where I've talked about these attachment styles. It's just an easier way for to explain how your behavioral patterns are and how you attach and how you, you know, act in relationships.
And it's not a black and white kind of thing. It's a whole spectrum like you could be. It's not one shoe fits all. You could really be anything and you could have your own cocktail and mixtures of personalities and behaviors, but it's just an easier way to kind of explain. I ended up because people used to leave me. Now I ended up becoming an avoidant person because I don't want them to leave me fast, so I'm going to leave them.
So now I became very avoidant. Like I, I'm very easy to detach from relationships. It's not that I don't care, it's just a protective barrier in my head, in my brain that if I sabotage this before they do to me and then I'm kind of the winner. And this doesn't work in relationships because in secure, healthy, available, like emotionally available relationships, you have to show up. A fight doesn't mean you break up a tea. OK, so you guys can actually
talk about it, Not even fight. You guys can talk and fix the same way you show up in your platonic relationships or in a relationships with your siblings or with your parents or with other people who you're just forced to be around. Although you don't like, it's the same grace and love and patience you're supposed to have in your romantic relationships. And listen, this advice is for the lovers.
If you don't believe in love, if you don't think love is possible, if you don't think people want love, that's OK. We're vibing on a different frequency where I only talk about my personal experiences. I don't talk about stories I've had only or that's why this podcast is a monologue. I don't talk about at the things I had where I'm talking about things I do myself, things I've experienced. If I'm talking about it to you, it means it's possible.
If it can happen for me, it can happen for you. If it's happened for me over and over and over and over. And you see, I'm consistently documenting on my podcast as I go. If you go back and listen, you'll see the trajectory. You'll see the tests I've been doing on myself, the growth I've been having on myself. It's if, if it can happen for me, it can happen for anyone, basically. Yeah, we're vibing on a frequency. You want to believe in love?
If you don't, it's OK. I understand because I've also been there. I've also been in spaces where I've also felt like I'm so unlucky and this is never going to work and it's never going to happen for me. But it reaches a point, you understand? You're here to just experience people. You're here to experience life. You're not here to own anyone and keep anyone for forever. And the beauty of life is of
taking risks. The same way you're you could be ready to open a business, you could be ready to buy a car, you could be ready to buy a house. You could be ready to whatever it is, is the same way you could be ready to fall in love. It's just a choice. If you want it, it comes to you. If you don't want it, that's what happens. That's just the law of the universe. It's because I've been able to experience the benefits of healing and being emotionally available.
And by the way, I was taught this by my friends Shazmin Bank, who's a relationship coach. She actually specializes in attachment styles and all that and teaches people how to heal and be secure. And my other friend CJ, who's a life coach and this guy, he's taught me just by being around him and listening to him, it has taught me so much, so much. That would be so much in therapy fees and all the time.
I started by saying, when 2023 began, I started by saying I want to be emotionally available. I was so tired of acting like I didn't care. Being in this silly situationships and relationships where you you don't talk to each other, you don't gift each other, you don't check on each other. I was just tired. Why would I be sleeping with people who I'm even scared to give a phone call?
It wasn't making sense in my head and I decided I'm not just going to preach about it. It's time for me to put in action and actually mean what I'm saying. And I started 2023 saying I'm never doing those things. Now I want the real thing. I want to stop complaining and being a victim of CG. He used me, he lied to me. Nope. I'm dating intentionally with like a person intention because now I know what I want. The older I grow the more I fine tune what I want.
I already know and the more I keep improving in my dating life, the more I keep fine tuning, the more my standards go up, the the more my boundaries are better. And it's just benefits on benefits. And my friends are the ones who taught me. And I used to say all the time, I want it, but I didn't know that it was work. I just thought at your relationship, see, I like you. I like you. OK, The end. I didn't know it was work. It was it was like intentional work that you had to do every
single day. But the more I put in the work, the more I realized every person I dated next was always better than the last. And things that were bare minimum as I went up started becoming previously my highest standard. And it just kept getting better. I mean, even my choices in my mates really, really improved.
I feel like every time I think I've gotten better and then I maybe make new friends, or I get a new business venture, or I travel more, whatever it is that I do, or I start dating a new person, I'm hit with even more blessings because every experience is just better than the last. Today I want to talk a little bit about the man I'm dating right now being being linked. To a podcaster is so crazy. Consume any text. Let me see what He's so sweet.
So let me start by talking about the no, let me start, Let me go back and start talking about the guy I dated in when was this? And he, let's say 2 years. No, it's a year ago or two years ago, I think a year ago, let's say a year ago. I really like this guy because he was, you know, consistent and he really, really used to spoil Missy Wongo. I could always ask him for anything. He was very attentive. He was very commutative. Very, very present, very smart. But I think.
The thing I enjoyed most about him was that he used to spoil me the way I want. But that's how you see. The problem is he was lacking in his emotional availability. He was never around. He was never asking to see me, to Take Me Out on dates, but buying me stuff, sending me gifts. I was consistently having fresh, fresh flowers in my house, which I really, really love. Yeah. There was nothing monetary he was not able to do. But then there was so much
lacking in even. I remember even on Valentine's Day, he didn't speak with me. And when I reached out because I'm the one who used always used to reach out after he says, you know, I like you. It's just that. You know, I'm busy with work and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I would reach out and we would talk about it and he would explain to me how his work is so taxing and he's not ready, blah, blah, blah. But he really likes me and he hopes I can stick around and all
that nonsense. When I was there, I was thinking, you know, I've never had a guy who is, I mean, I've had guys who spoil me and spend the money. So it wasn't about the money. It was about the consistency of spoiling me, not of talking to me, of spoiling me Anyway to ask how do you get a man who spoils you but doesn't talk to you? Even the guys I've dated before that, the biggest spenders hardly ever had time for me. They were always working and busy. They would compensate it with
the money. My accounts are always full and stuff, but the availability? Zero. There was no bonding. There was basically no relationship, no friendship. Now that I think about it, I'm realizing I was settling for one area because maybe I was desperate, or maybe I needed the money, or maybe that was my metric for love. Sprinkle, sprinkle. But clearly I was missing out on the emotional side because I was consistently sad and complaining. This guy doesn't talk to me. This guy doesn't.
It's like you're in a relationship and it's still a situation ship. You still have to. Beg this jammer to talk to you and all that. So that time I wasn't realizing. Now when I look back now, I'm realizing and also now that I'm able to make my own money and buy for myself those two things if I want CG cake food. CG flowers, I can buy all those things, I can take myself out, I can pay for my chips, I can do all those things for myself.
So now I'm, I'm not really dating from a desperate point of view. I'm, I'm becoming more and more secure in myself. I'm realizing I would never date someone like that. I would never allow someone like that to even touch my body. Someone who's not able to communicate and be present fully. That's not something I'm looking for. That's not something I'm ever going to settle for. And at a point in my life, I used to think that was impossible. I used to think men are just
like that. Men just they're always busy and hardworking and they make money so that they can give you money. So they're never there for you because that's what I was used to dating already. My bare minimum is rich men. So I'm not looking for does he have money? Does he not have money? That's not a. Discussion because I was never gonna talk to a man who doesn't have his own money already. And I've explained so many times that the money is not necessarily for me.
It's just that so that I don't have to take care of him because I know so many men who take advantage of women's money. And I don't want to be in the kind of relationship where like I saw growth up with my mom, where my mom did everything and my dad was just joyriding. I need a man who's able to handle his own. He wants a family because he can take care of a family. Otherwise mini Cosa abila
manomen abil zangu. And I want to talk about all this in extension, But let me start from I said I want to talk about the guy I'm dating right now. I not really talk about him, but like some of the traits that I noticed or I've been noticing consistently coming from him that I had just resigned to the thought that these things are
possible. And the truth is when you've been in abusive situations or you've been in situations where you've lacked like the emotional connection and presence of the people around you, it's so easy for you to be like, that's not important. That's not OK. But listen, why would you be around someone who doesn't make you happy and laugh and enjoy yourself and have fun? Because even with friends, that's what you do, right?
Even when you're hanging with friends, that's an important and integral part of the interaction. You haven't fun and laughing, so why would you want to be around someone who doesn't communicate, makes you sad the whole week, doesn't talk to you, makes excuses, doesn't show up. It's just it's crazy. Something I noticed about him straight off the bat was he was very straightforward. I think that's what turned me on and that's what made me even
respond to him in the 1st place. Other people have been very straightforward with me, but with him it just felt he was being sincere. And also something I noticed straight off the bat is he wanted nothing from from me. He didn't want anything from me. He came in wanting to add to my life, like wanting to be better for the both of us. And I'll explain that as we go. So this straightforwardness Illinois Nesha, OK, this guy, he already knows what he wants.
And also this taught me, let me tell you see, these guys will tell you these things for let's go with the flow girl. He's wasting your time. These guys, they always know what they want by the time they're talking to you. That's what he this, that's what my guy told me. He said by the time a guy's talking to you, he's already he already knows what he wants from you. Whether Nikukudina amakuku amakuku text cuckoo to Miakama, he already knows what he wants from you.
He already knows it's just listening to you and getting to know you. It's just him. Like seeing OK, can this walk or something? And when I think about it, even us women, by the time a guy is even starting to talk to you and you accept to give him your number like dranga Kamau utam dishi Kama utam dead kamuna taka with the father of your kids that already always have that feeling. It's just about, OK, let's talk a bit and let's get to know each other.
So I see if the chemistry is walking and if we really like each other like that, don't ever fall for that. Let's go to floating. I'm not saying he, he needs to be quick and fast and love bombing you and being in a rush, Z. Just watch his actions and his intentions. Watch his communication.
Watch how he is straightforward with you, the things he says, the plans he makes, even simple things like in his conversations, you'll hear him including you when he says things like we, we will go, we'll, we'll get it, we'll buy, we'll plan, we'll think about it. We'll we, we, we, we, we, we. He really stops talking about I, I, I. And this is something I noticed. He's really great at communication and he
communicates ahead of time. You'll never have this guy not talking to you the whole day and not telling you where he was or what he's doing. You're always going to know, even if you don't know the details of everything, you're always going to be very secure about his communication because he'll tell you. He'll say, babe, tomorrow. I'm having a very busy day. It's starting early, it's ending late. I might not be able to talk to you in the morning or even at night when I get home, but I'll
be thinking of you. He will communicate ahead of time. He'll never let you go thinking why isn't he texting me? Why isn't he calling me? Even if you guys are not speaking, he will always let you know that he's thinking of you. You'll always feel secure. And even if he's having this busy day and he says, he says he's not able to reach out. He's still going to call you. He's still going to find. He's going to sneak and make 2 minutes and call you just to hear your voice.
He's going to text. He's going to say, you know, I'm in this meeting all day, but I just had to check in. Yanina Kambia, you will never be second guessing. You'll see his clear intentions and he always has a plan. Always. He always has a plan about what you're doing, where you're going to go. He's done his research in time. Let's say he's taking you out. He's not going to ask you things like. Where? Where do you want to go? And he's the one who's asking you out.
Unless he wants the honest opinion, he wants to include you in the decision making and you'll feel the difference between a clueless guy and a guy who's trying to involve you in decision making. But he'll always have a plan. He'll always. Hey babe, I really wanted to try this, this, this, this. Let's go. Always you'll. And something else I noticed. He makes plans for next time before Machane. Before Machane, he's already. You know said.
Clear your Friday. I'd love to take you here on Saturday. We're doing this. Pack a bag. We'll do this in the morning and then Osiku will will go here. Always has a plan, never leaving you wondering why doesn't he ask me out? Why doesn't he do things with me? You'll never feel like that because he'll always accommodate you in his plans. Consistently, he'll be communicating, he'll be making sure he knows what you need. He will make sure he's giving you the support that you need.
He'll make sure he's. Really, really showing up for you. This is what will make you feel consistently seen, had loved. It'll make you feel. It's not just the financials, it's a really wholesome feeling. You will always know if you guys are apart. You'll always know very You'll always feel very, very secure around him. And you'll notice that he's also very thoughtful and attentive. He knows what you want. You know he don't have to repeat things.
You'll say something once like I'm lactose intolerant and he'll remember. He'll remember. So don't settle for those guys that he doesn't know. Your birthday, he doesn't know your favorite flowers he doesn't know. Don't fall for that thing. Attimena like that, bro. He'll be attentive. He'll remember you said you like buggers, the Mama rocks. He'll remember atti you like which music. He'll even put a playlist because he'll remember the songs
you played last time. And he'll put them up together. And if he doesn't remember, he'll go on YouTube and see the history. Yanni, he'll do something or he'll ask you. He'll do something and prepare ahead of time. Remember I said great planner. Something else is he's going to be very ready to. Teach very openly, ready to teach you. Things he's ready to offer education, and it's in the smallest thing. Sometimes you don't know something. He's never angry when you ask a
question. He's always ready to educate you on stuff. It doesn't matter how stupid you sound. Like that guy was seeing two years ago. There's a time we're talking about drones. And then I asked him, does a drone have a camera? OK, listen, I was high a bit. And then I was just making fun. I mean, I had really forgotten that drones need cameras. And he seemed so upset in his response. He seemed so annoyed by like, how stupid can this girl be? But this guy, he's always ready.
It doesn't matter how stupid I sound or how obvious information could be. He's always ready to teach and he's always ready to start the communication education from. Basic level. If he has to explain why 10 + 10 is 20, he'll start from what 0 is with patience, with enthusiasm, with just eagerness, because he's excited. He's excited to make sure I know more and I'm learning.
And by the way, is equality is Nataja Najjani obvious, especially in friendship because these are the things we do within our friendships and within our maybe other healthy relationships. But like I said, I think it's important I just repeat them so that people can understand that the same standards they hold, you know, platonic relationships to is the same standards they to hold romantic relationships to. The same way you wouldn't let CG somebody talk to you.
How is the same way in a romantic relationship? It should never fly. Like the respect and kindness and grace and love should just always be consistent as well. So I've noticed he's always so ready to teach me and also very naturally protective. I mean not just physically, but like even in the things he says and the things he teaches me, you can see this is someone who really wants me to be safe.
His advice his even in his education, the things he teaches me is always for the betterment of me. There's nothing he says that's like detrimental. And even if it is like I'm able to call it out, I'm able to say that and then and he's always. Ready to learn? That's something else. The same way in the same way. He's ready to to teach. He's always ready to learn. Always. He listens. He listens. He doesn't argue. He doesn't get defensive. He just says yes.
And he lands something else. When I mentioned something that doesn't make me feel good, he just fixes it. He doesn't argue, he doesn't say so Do you know me? I'm like this Mina Conga evil. He's always ready. He just says, yes, babe, yes, babe. He's always ready to learn and do better, even if it's something he doesn't necessarily agree with. He listened enough to do better. He'll always question, OK, fine. How can I improve in my own little way?
How can I do better to accommodate you and make sure you also feel safe? Because I might believe in something different and you believe in something different. But the compromise has to make sense. And he's always willing to come down and meet me where I'm at or bring me up to his level. Also, the protection comes in a very healthy way. It's never to how can I put it?
I think let me give an example. An example is in a in an unhealthy relationship, someone might tell you there's no education there, there's no lesson. Maybe they're trying to communicate that how you're dressed could potentially put you in a bad situation or something like that, but they're bringing it out as something to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself and your body. And especially if you have insecurities about your body, you'll wonder what does this
communication mean? That as opposed to the kind of relationship where some solution, education or just trying to make you understand it's really cool outside you will get sick. Do you do you want to maybe think of an alternative or are you OK? Will you carry your coat? Can I bring something to you?
Do I come and pick you up? How long will you any instead of reprimanding you, always providing solutions that make it better so that you can learn because when it comes to you in a very calm way, you're also able to want to listen and understand. Even growing up with my mom, my mom used to throw in my mini skirts and my tops that showed a lot of cleavage and up to now she still always tells me sometimes much things. To be very honest, on a very
like deep level, I don't care. I don't care, but I know where the advice is coming from. It's not coming from Matty. She hates me or she doesn't want to see me look good. She she's telling me that because she's my mom, she knows what being seen a certain way or someone you know lasting you because of a certain way, she knows it puts you in direct danger. And she's my mother, so I know
it always comes from care. It's just that maybe her communication might not be as clear or as direct as I would like. And growing up, that's something we used to fight a lot when I was a teenager. Now I get it. I completely understand and I'm able to meet a compromise, especially when I'm with her
because it does. Of course her advice is coming from a place of wanting me to be happy and healthy because she loves me. So when someone loves you, that's what they do. They always want to protect you in their own little way. But you'll never get that undertone of envy, jealousy, anger, bitterness or like bad vibes. You'll always feel it. Coming from a place of I actually love you and I care and I give a fuck. That's something to. Really look out for and he's also.
Always ready to be vulnerable and honest. There's no none of that at all. Men don't do this. Men, there's none of that. Because he's a human being just like you. Your lover has feelings like you. They also fail. They also make mistakes. They also fall sometimes. They also get depressed and they grieve and they're sad about something and they're just ready to be vulnerable with you. And in the same breath, they're able to be childlike.
This is something big like me. I love to sing and dance, but if you're not close to me, that's not something you'll know. Why? Because when I'm very, very comfortable and I'm very, I feel very safe. I in song and dance a lot. A lot. I'm always singing and dancing in my house. All the time. By myself. But if you're not around me, you've probably never seen me dance because that's not something I do when I'm around
anyone. And how I know I feel very safe and secure is when I'm singing and I'm dancing because I have No Fear. I have no insecurities. I'm not thinking, Oh my God, who thinks like my dancing looks bad. I don't feel like that. And I sing and dance a lot at home with my when with my parents, with my family. So that's something I also look
out for. And I don't know if it's a universal truth, but you'll realize your lover's child like features coming out, them being very playful and jokey and fun and funny. You'll find yourself laughing a lot, a lot more than you cry. You see, in all those relationships, you are crying and you, it doesn't text me. In this one, your biggest worry is that he's safe. Whatever he is, he's just safe. You're not thinking that he's cheating. He's talking to other people.
And even if he is, So what? Because you're so secure in yourself. And that's the thing with healthy relationships, they really force you to become secure because it just rubs off on you. They don't have a fear of loving. They're not holding back. There is no tit for tat. It literally doesn't matter. Something I've realized in my relationship is that our core, like the thing we're focused on is making sure the relationship is good. So other things don't even matter.
Things like money at who pays for who. These are very important discussions in relationships like finances and stuff. But that's not the reason we're with each other. We're not with each other for for CG who will wash dishes, who does the chores, who does what it's whoever wants to do it does it. And something something interesting is I was talking about this on dialogues of Jacquiro.
I can't remember with which episode, but it's something I actually learned about him talking about his wife. He said in their relationship everyone has money. So things like money are not a discussion. There's no ATI paid for this. You it's things are taken care of groceries and shopping. They have delivery on dial chores, they pay the help to do it. CG cleaning. They pay someone for that CG. What? So you're left with nothing else to discuss in the relationship except.
Loving each other. There's no things about a tea. You know me, I watch for him all the time. He never buys me flowers. No, you realize things like things like that are not like the important parts of a relationship and it's more about your friendship and are you guys growing and doing better and creating a really healthy relationship for you guys to thrive. It's just like having your friend. You see when you have when you have a friend and you guys want
to go out to lunch. How can I get some more questions? Ananya taliba nanya lipa Nani, come on as a lip on a lipa. Come on a split split. Because it literally doesn't matter as long as both of you are safe and happy at the end of the day, that's all that matters. Literally, it's not about who cooked and who washed the dishes. It literally doesn't matter. Everyone pulls their their
weight in the relationship. Everyone makes sure the other person feels comfortable and safe enough to be themselves and to be able to show up in the relationship. So that's something I really noticed. I think getting into relationships when you've been doing the work on yourself also it helps in the journey because you're able to spot someone who's coming to elevate you or
coming to demon motivate you. It's so simple to see because already your standards are high because maybe already I'm taking care of myself and I'm doing everything for myself. So the only way I can let anyone else into my life is if they are coming to add on to it. Only not coming to make me sad and depressed because I'm already a very happy person. So it's easy for me to focus on that than focusing on really really dumb things that don't matter into the relation in the.
Relationship. A contrast I want to give to this was the guy dated before him? I'm putting out an article about him. This guy was now the opposite of the guy dated last the year before. You see, the year before he was nonchalant like he buys me everything but he never shows up. Now this one he used to maneno matamu and he was so obsessed with me, very romantic, very
sweet. He used to also take care of me or he used to love to take care of me, basically served and worshipped me and was so obsessed with me. Obsessed to the point like he can call me 10 times in an hour. He just wants to hear my voice to to love me, to be there for me. So going from someone who never calls me to someone who wants to call me all the time, I felt if something is wrong. But I didn't realize that I was kind of being shown how to be in a position where I can accept
love and just drown in love. And slowly I started realizing it's not that someone wanting to talk to me all the time is weird. It's just that I was so used to people who never talked to me that being in such a situation was making me feel I this is too much because he's busy to know someone who wants to call me 10 times an hour. And now in the relationship, in the relationship I'm at, I'm seeing a very healthy balance. It's like we don't have to talk all day, every minute of the day.
But the kind of security I have, because he's consistently available, I can call him anytime. He's always going to be there. I can talk to him anytime, I can text him anytime. I can tell him I need him to come and get me. I can tell him what I want. I can tell him where I need him to be, where I want us to go. He's always ready to make time and accommodate me consistently. And in the event that we're busy, I'm busy, or he's busy,
the security is consistent. I'm not wondering or feeling, Oh my God, why isn't he texting me? Why? Because he already communicated. He already told me where he's going to be, what he's going to be doing and how he's feeling and everything without me having to ask, without feeling like it's forced communication, without feeling like I have to reply immediately. Yeah, it's just safe and secure. It's just, you just feel safe. It's just normal.
There's no anxiety, there's no desperation, there's No Fear. It's just, yeah, I know he's here doing this and I'm going to see him in an hour. So it's such a nice feeling. And so now I can feel the balance. I feel very secure and very sure because they are very available and very ready to show up for me.
I feel very included in plans. I feel like although he's like, he has the qualities of a man who has plans and is ready to lead and take care of everything, I feel so included because my decisions are just as important. Like, no, no decisions are made without my my consent or approval. Yanni, Nico too included. Nico involved. Now, Liz, what do you think? What do you want? What do you want to do?
And I feel very, very supported in my career, in my relationships, in my decisions, in things I share. And it's just a healthy friendship. And I feel too supported because even in his own capacity, he consistently puts me in positions to win. He puts me in positions where you know, I can make more or I can do more. He talks to me, improves my networks. He puts me any. It's just, you can just see this is my friend who wants me to
win. And in the same breath of giving me reassurance and affirmations and all this, he also gives me feedback, like important, honest feedback. He tells me the truth. He's very honest about what he feels, how I can maybe improve, how I can do better. He shares opinions and ideas of how I can just do better. And that's so important because in every sort of relationship, because someone who loves you definitely wants you to do
better. And it's not just that they give even then, they're ready to take criticism. They're ready to to listen like upper babe Baku fanapur babe will fail Upper babe Baku fanavi. They're so ready to listen and also do better. And something else I noticed is in disagreements. OK, we haven't had this like big disagreements or anything because we, I think we mesh a lot. We're able to even agree to disagree, but in case of disagreement, he brings them up. He's the one who brings up the
hard conversations. I'm never in a situation where all this guy is ghosting me. We didn't discuss. Yesterday's. Issue today we're acting, we never move on. He brings it up, he makes sure we've sorted and discussed and to make Shambu and Paka. We reach a point where we're able to see each other's perspectives and if we're not, we're still able to be very understanding of it. It's such a breath of fish. It's it's like dating a fastball.
It's such a nice fresh feeling, someone being so secure that it's rubbing off on you. And hey, hear me out. I keep saying is if it was in a Simni Kamani, very obvious. I'm a like me. See, that's what's normal. But I'm telling you, for someone who's been abused or someone who's never been in a healthy relationship, this shit seems like a Unicorn. It seems like it.
It's too good to be true. You mean he listens and he doesn't argue and he says sorry, he apologizes, he fixes, he brings up issues without ignoring them or seeming nonchalant. It's such a rare occurrence in a lot of. Let me say men because it's men I did, but learning and seeing like other men willing to put in the work and learning, whether it's because they have experience or because. They just want to do better.
It's such a breath of fresh air. It makes it so easy for me to be myself and to be childlike and to be fun. And I'm always getting complimented. It feels so good, even in the way he's always so excited to to make. Plans with me to see me to include me to be with him. The enthusiasm with which he has when I'm involved is just so evident. It's like, my God, he can't believe he gets to see me again and again and again. And I like it because that kind
of excitement is important. If you can come, if you want, it's you. As the girl who has to keep asking, are we still meeting? Can we meet this a big man. He makes the plans and he sees them through. He keeps his word. He always keeps his word. He always says what he's gonna do. He always does for you what he says he was going to. Things like that are very important. And I guess it's all about the actions, all about what is he doing, How is he making you feel more than what is he saying?
Because anyone can say anything. But when you leave, how do you feel deep within yourself, in your heart, you feel happy, loved, content, excited. It's nice, it's nice. Our focus, like I said, is to enjoy the relationship and to improve our lives. So things like chores and rolls, those are not argument points. He does everything with me. If I decide to cook something, he'll come in the kitchen and cook. And he's never made me pay for anything. But that's not the point.
It's just such things. They show you generosity. And is he ready like to take care of a? Family and is he generous and is he kind and is he respectful I've never heard anything about oh you wash the dishes you go and cook oh you do this no and even when I. Cook. I cook because I want to. I mean, of course my extension. Because I want to see him, someone I love and care about, enjoy my meal and feel good. But it's always because it's a kind gesture, not just for me
and for him. And it always comes from a space of love and wanting to nourish and nurture someone I love. So it's such a good feeling. And he never lets me do anything alone, nothing, going to the grocery store, going to buy anything, cooking anything. He's always there with me consistently because he always wants to be around me doing things with me. And when it's me time, it's me time. Very busy man, very preoccupied. But when it's time to spend time with me, I always feel
fulfilled. Yanni, No distractions, no making me feel like I'm out of place or I shouldn't be there. And also he brings me places and like he's ready to show me off. Let me tell you things like Aman even taking you places or let's say in most relationships it's manga. Let's take a picture, babe. Let me take pictures of you or babe or him just taking pictures of you and him being proud to show you off. The first time you experienced that, you'll feel so bad, sneaky links.
You'll be so shocked. You'll be so shocked that this man actually actually wants to be seen with you. And I'm really able to rest in my feminine. Let me tell you, even the first time I went to his place and I spent the night the next day, Not the first time, the second time, the first time, the first time I had to leave in the morning because I had work. But the next time I spent he, he had asked me prior, he said I would like you to spend more
than one night at my place. So maybe park because I, I have things I want us to do. I have activities I've planned out. So just park and then you'll stay for two nights. And I agreed, I like because I like spending time with him is very fun. It's very funny. We laugh all the time. It's so fun. It's like having a really fun friend who has a lot of money and wants to spend it all on you and he loves you and he's made all the plans.
It's so exciting. So the next day when I woke up, you know, to not spend the day, but I kept having having this feeling nagging me at the back of my mind. Yeah. What if he wants me to go? And he arranged for breakfast in the morning? He wasn't showing signs, like he wants to go or he wants me to leave. And to be honest, I was very anxious. I think he read the energy and he just told me just relax. Stay. I want you to stay. I invited you. Relax. I don't know how he noticed, but
that's why. He said, and you know where the fear was coming from, that feeling for when you wake up in the morning and a guy starts, you know, being fake busy because he wants you out of his house. I don't like it. I don't like when someone does that to me. I can call you a Uber because I have to go to work and. Doesn't matter whether it's the truth or a lie, there's just some feeling of rejection. I think I've had that trauma for.
But this time I was just learning to not have fear and it was so weird. And the way everything is taken care of, I never have to think what are we going to? To eat, what are we going to do? What are he's already arranged? Everything is done. My job is to enjoy and feel good and relax. It's such a nice feeling.
Something else that made me really laugh is during our second date, we also if you're a passenger Princess, you know, if you've dated an angry man, how it like when you mix up directions and stuff and they get so agitated and they start. To shout at you or they they show you like they're annoyed because you're always get things wrong here. I just, even when I mess up, I just feel so safe because he always reaffirms me and reassures me and says it's OK.
It seems like a normal thing. But when you're traumatized, you need the constant fear of, Oh my God, I've messed up. He'll shout at me about how fuel is expensive and no, nothing like that. He just makes a ton and he's so ready to go where I want as long as it makes me happy and it makes me feel good. And that's our decisions. It's such a breath of fresh air. So after eating, he came to pull my chair so that we could go to the sink to wash our hands.
And after washing our hands, he went ahead of me to the Soviet station to grab a Soviet for me so that I could dry my hands with. And I also went fast to try and. Not to get ahead of him, but to just get the Soviet as well. And then when I turned, I see he had already picked enough Soviets for himself and for me, and he was handing me mine. And he started laughing. And I started laughing because. And then he. Said just yeah. And I started laughing because this is.
This wasn't the first time he was catching me. The lesson there is that I was, I'm so used to doing things for myself, even things like pulling my own chair, opening my own doors. I have never. Pulled a chair or opened a door since I met this man. And it's it's cute gestures that I have experienced from men a lot over and over. I'm not saying Jay for new easy V2, but a man being consistent, like even long after he's already quoted you and he's got you.
It doesn't matter whether you guys are. Having a bad. Day, Whether he's sad, whether he's broke, whether he's annoyed, whether he's lost a deal, He's consistency in his actions. It never changes whether we have a disagreement. I have never had to do anything by myself or for myself when I'm with him. Never. And in that moment, yes, I've yet it makes me laugh because anyway, Nika feels me bad because I realized I was so used to being like in my masculine energy and taking charge and
doing things for myself. And here is someone who's come into my life and they're trying to show me listen, chill out. I've got you. You don't have to do nothing. You don't have to do anything and listen, my previous boyfriend was like that also that one used to even bathe me and kiss the floor I walk on, but it's it's different. I can't feel the difference in that. The other one was just obsessed with me.
This one is a very secure guy who even if I broke his heart, if I if I like, let's say an example, let's say if I cheated on him, he's not going to lower his standard. He's someone who's giving his heart and he's giving 100% because he's ready for love and he's very available. Whatever I do, whether I reciprocate or not, him is just a lover. He's always giving love. It's just who he is. He's not giving on condition.
On condition I do this for him. Or if I do this, he'll do this is it. It's just him being himself. And it's something he, he tells me as well. He says, Mimi, I'm always ready to give love. Doesn't matter how many times I've been heartbroken. I'm always ready to, he'll move on and receive and give love because I know the benefits of working on myself. And the more I give, the more I receive.
And it's true because in this time I've been with him, I've literally gone from being an avoidant because I was. So there's a time we were talking about communication in relationships. And for me, like I said, I was so used to dating guys who are very present financially but never talked to me. And so I told him he we were talking about something. And my response was, I think people who sit on their phone and talk all day all the time
must be idle, right? And he said no. And he started teaching me about how communication is important in relationships. And I realized how badly I had been traumatized by people who never talked to me, that I was thinking something as essential as basic communication in a relationship is too much. Any someone has hurt me, and now I'm ready to be like that. But I realized that I I have to stay aware so that I'm able to never change. The lover in me just has to be me.
It's not a tea. I'm loving because someone is loving. It's because I'm a lover. I just love and I give love and that's who I am because becoming that person really helps you. Now when you're in a relationship and you guys are two lovers, it's just magic. He's really enabled me to rest in my feminine and he just, he's just him being a man who knows what he's want he wants and being very consistent in his actions. It gives me a feeling of being loved and feeling very, very
secure. I love that he shows me he wants me around. He wants to see me, he wants me to be there. I'm giving this in contrast to those girls who they're the ones who always have to plan everything and ask their man to see them. Babe, if he wants you, you'll just know. You literally never have to ask. You'll never have to wonder. You'll never have to be confused about what does he feel, what does he want? Because you'll always know.
You'll always know even during our I can't remember if it was our third date or 4th I was on my period. He had asked to Take Me Out to dinner and I told him I'm on my period. I feel very weird and to be honest I was had that fear in the back of my mind that maybe he was going to be weirded out if I'm on my period and also it's my first time being on my period. I don't want to be around him like that. And then he said it's OK I understand doesn't matter I
still want to see you. Just come, just come. I'll take care of you. And he really did take care of me and he didn't even want to do anything. He just wanted to take care of me and be with me. Sometimes you'll be in a relationship with the kind of guy who'll be like, you know, he'll try to have sex with you and you're not comfortable or he'll try to touch you or he'll try to kiss you and you're not in that mood. Or even he'll he'll try to get intimate with you and you're not
there. And sometimes you might have fear. Sometimes the explanation is coming from I'm not really in the mood to come and make out and laugh and kiss and all that. And if you're not in the capacity to take care of me, it's going to be awkward. But someone who still wants to hang out with you will create a space for you to feel comfortable. Regardless of whatever you're going through, they still want
to see you. Whether you're grieving or broke or sad or distressed, they just want to see you and be there with you and share you up and make you feel good. I hope you guys are noticing. I'm talking about the actions of who they are. Not even the things that they're doing for me, who they are as a person, this is really who they are. Consistency, No Faltering in actions? No, it's just actions. Consistent actions and communication.
It makes you feel so much safe. Being loved like this has really made me go from an avoidant person to someone who's very secure because now I'm starting to understand why this is how love is supposed to be. It's supposed to be free and patient and kind and amazing and give you good feelings. Part of the title of this podcast is how to keep a man and how to know when he's very into you.
I think I've talked about how to know when he's very into you because these are actions I've been able to see. I think it's really important that if you're a lover, a real lover, you don't just focus on one. Don't just focus on like the money part, unless maybe if you're dating from you want money and you need money, then it'll work for you. But if you're someone who wants emotions, make sure you're doing a 360 checkup. Like you're consistently looking out for these actions that make
you feel. Loved and wanted and respected and included and just needed in the relationship. Like you're in an important part of the relationship that he wants. It's so important. So for the part of how to keep a man, babe, there's nothing you can do that will keep a man. Literally, you could do all these things and he still leave you. He could do all these things he could, he could literally be the most perfect Angel and still the relationship might not work out.
The end of the lesson is how you keep a man is by you improving yourself and continuing to be yourself and you see how your growth is impacting his growth. If you guys are compatible, you keep meshing into each other. You're you're consistently with your consistency will match his. Your kindness will match his, his will also match yours because you guys will be on the same frequency and the things you want will be always towards
your betterment and your growth. And when it stops being that the relationship could end and it's still going to be OK because at the end of the day, you're going to be able to notice the much growth that you've achieved in this relationship. And that's why I always say I don't I can't talk bad about my exes because even though maybe Trulia China in bad times I'm at the relationship didn't work out. These guys really improved me in some way in in some way Cunnola
munya linonesia nez. I receive flowers cunola Linonesia amazing different restaurants cunola Linonesia travel cunola linonesia how to make money cunola Linonesia confidence in myself, how to choose better, how to love myself more. Because these men were already really good men without me. Like they were already walking on themselves and loving themselves before they met me. I leave the relationship feeling so much better, even if it was a
painful ending. It's just there's so, so much improvement and growth on my part and it feels so good. Whatever the growth was, whether it was financial or emotional, it really, really matters. All of it matters and it's, it's so good. So the lesson is heal yourself and grow yourself and do all these things for yourself. Because if you meet this man who is doing all this work and he's just this wonderful on his own, you don't want to fumble. And it's so easy to fumble a good person.
This advice now goes cuts all across board, even the dramas. If you're not working on yourself and you meet this girl who's doing the intentional work, you're going to fumble her. Because let me tell you, this guy, see, in the beginning, he's shown me his straightforwardness and his communication. But because I was so avoidant, like even in my communication, there's a time I broke up with him. I broke things off and I told
him, I'm sorry. I sent him this long message telling him I don't think we're compatible. And you know what my issue was? Just because I couldn't communicate clearly, I didn't want to listen. I was already ready to get defensive. And my first thought was my first response was, was to jump ship, to sabotage, to end everything and to just kill it. I sent him a long message telling him about how I don't think we're compatible. And you know what his response was? He says I think we're
compatible. I think we're meant to be together. I really like you. So I think we should just pause, breathe, think, and then we can have this discussion. When I did my introspection, I started to realize that that's what I always do. I always jump ship when things get too serious or I need to confront the seriousness of a relationship. I'm always ready to say, OK, this is not working out. I'm done. And I realize that's not how you treat healthy relationships, even with your friends.
Rafiho kasiriki Omwachi muna discuss. Muna Fix and in this relationship I've done nothing but learn how to be a better person, a better communicator, more tolerant and listen. Not tolerant for bullshit, not tolerant for nonsense and like add characteristics, Juicy J experience and something else avoiding a lot of you know negativity negative talk negative friends, negative energy consuming negative stuff online.
You know all the times you men do these women do these women fear women women are asked you what men are what achana nasal Vito, achana nasal Vito no focus come on attakama pensi kubalima pensi no kubalito. There is no need for you to be out here, you know, looking. For. Stories that might sabotage your relationship or something that might make you have fear and insecurities within the relationship. If it's time to enjoy love, just enjoy love. Enjoy.
It's nice, it feels good. It feels good in such kind of a situation, as long as you've been doing the work for yourself and listen. Something else you'll notice is when you're with someone who makes you feel safe and secure is that you look better. You'll just start to glow. You'll become more beautiful, kinda. You'll be more graceful, more feminine, more sweet, more kind of nasi na mingi mingi unadino afiti unongilesh afiti. You're taken care of. You feel very secure.
It's such a nice feeling. You'll be able to tell the difference between a man who just buys you stuff and a man who's actually investing in you. He's giving you his time, his energy, his advice, his wisdom, his money. He's just really, really generous with all his resources towards making sure his woman is feeling very well taken care of. You message near my lovers. I'm curious to hear what you think, but this is what I think. This is what I've been
experiencing. I've been experiencing really, really great. Can I say lovers, really great lovers who've made me love myself even more. And now I'm really enjoying the fruits of the of my labor. I'm enjoying all the work I've put in. I'm enjoying being with a with an emotionally secure and safe person who makes me an even better version of myself because I'm consistently learning any. I feel support all the time. But say these people exist and they're ready to love you.
You just have to also be open so that you're able to learn what to look out for and how to love yourself better so that you can understand. I think I'll finish that. This has been a really long episode, but I had to talk about all that. I just hope you leave this discussion feeling very loved and ready to be loved. But tell me in the comments if you feel like you're ready to experience this and if you think I'm making sense. This is just my personal experience, tell me what you
think. I want to hear toodles.