Fixing my relationship with my parents

This episode was a special request because someone messaged me on Instagram and they asked me a very important question. So let me go back and then come back to what this person messaged me three years ago. I moved out of my parents house, but it was not because I wanted to. Things happened that pushed me to eventually having to move out. I didn't move out like in the best of terms, we weren't I wasn't on good terms with my parents and I didn't think this was going to be difficult to

talk about. I guess I'm still, I'm not quite there yet, but I'll, I'll still, I'll say as much as I can and then as I keep on healing, maybe I'll able to talk about more because healing is a very, it's not a linear process. I mean, sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down. And also these are conversations I haven't had with my parents yet. Now says we are at a space where we really consider each other's feelings.

Like despite what we've been through in the past, we're actually really working on our relationship with each other. There's so much love and unity and much more peace. So everyone is trying and everyone is pulling their socks in their own way. So I think I'll try my my best to tell this story with consideration, considering I haven't, you know, had this conversation with them yet, which means I probably should. But I think Nilifika 2 points me when you're in Alicia. Forgive me to mob.

I will talk about it in my book when I finish writing it. You'll be able to see. I have not quite mastered the car. Is it the courage? I don't know. A couple months ago I recorded an episode on the dialogue the Jaguaro show and my mom was my guest. I was interviewing her, asking her if questions and like a month ago Jaguaro told me he was not able to upload the episode because I did not seem like myself while it was in post production. They felt like that video just wasn't me.

I wasn't the same the way I usually AM. And it made sense when he said that. It made sense to me because I don't know if it's because I fear my parents or because I respect my parents. I'm still trying to figure out the difference between the two because I think it's it's the same. I have respect for them now that I'm able to understand things from a different point of view, like now that I have grace and better understanding. But also, you see, I'm still

their kid. There's still a lot of things I'm still angry about. There's still some things I've had to teach myself to respect even though I do not agree with because people are different and people react differently. Someone can only meet you up to where like they've met themselves. So I couldn't hold on to the anger anymore. I just had to let go and forgive so that we can focus on healing and moving on. And this was joint effort. It wasn't.

I mean, it's, I feel like it started with me, but then I've seen how it has transcended into everyone else. It's the whole family pulling up their socks to become better. Because I didn't move out of my home in the best Mimi Kwanzaa. I was, I was such an academic child. I was always deep in the books because that's what my parents really, really wanted for me. I mean, I also love being in the

books, but not as much as I was. And being this kind of kid meant that my parents weren't always there emotionally because my dad was not there. He wasn't available either because of work or just life in general. And my mom was and wasn't around because, you know, she had to work multiple jobs to keep the home afloat. She was always very tired, exhausted, working really, really hard because she did give us a good life. The quality of life she gave us was amazing.

And she's maintained it all through up to now. It's, I don't know, like now in such a thing. It's such a dilemma because I do understand she did fulfill her roles as best as she felt she did as a parent, but she didn't know any better. Like she she didn't know she could do like the emotional bit as well, you know, And I think a lot of parents fall into this trap and cycle of why, you know, you're scared about the quality of life you're going to give

your child. And unfortunately, when you have to be chasing the money, it's sometimes difficult to be present emotionally. I just realized this about myself because sometimes I find I'm on go mode and I don't stop to breathe. I'm just walking, making money. I forget that it's important for me to also feel love and enjoy love. So that's where the dilemma comes. When I moved out, it wasn't in the best of circumstances. I feel like I was chased out like it was happening over the years.

I always felt that pressure of I'm not really wanted in this space. And so even when I moved out, Tijuana, Janda Muvaji, I always dreamt about having my own space and it's something I always wanted for myself. But I was so scared. I was always a must in my books consistently. So my plan was, I knew that as a woman at some point, OK, everyone used to say the plan is go to school, get a job, get married, have kids, blah blah blah. Village in Afuatana, having a

job and getting married. I might never I get to spend time with my parents because I was always doing school stuff since I was a baby and my parents are always away. So there was a lot of lacking of emotional, my emotional needs being met. I feel like my parents are very unavailable emotionally and this led to me always feeling neglected. So I knew Nikki Mazachuo. I just want to stay home with my parents. I wasn't in a hurry to move out and I thought, you know, I'm a

girl, there's no rush. But then Kukanza Tukukukuku even more. And so I had to find a way out. I have to say, me earning money from a very young age, it really helped me a lot because I've always been really good at like stocking up and saving and keeping money away. So I think that really helped me because that's how I've always been, even since I was a child. And I think this stemmed from me feeling like, you know, I felt like I was always neglected.

I was like the glass child. This made me feel like I was never seen. I was never given the emotional attention that I needed. Iliqua 2:00 AM I performing in school? Am IA good, kid great. Am I responsible? Fine. So I always had to be responsible for myself and This is why I learned. I don't want to say money management but like to stack money up because I always felt like I have to be responsible for myself.

That's why when it was time to move out, I was able to move out of Nkona Shankar. How was I? Where was I going to learn from? I could see that my dad, I don't. I don't know what to say. I want Kukua too, and I saw my mom struggle a lot. As a woman, I really, really get her, but as her child, it's hard for me to like to understand why I had to come into such a situation. This led to me always being a bitter kid because I was I was rebellious.

I didn't know how to handle emotions or to manage them or even to discuss them. I didn't know it was the lack of love that was causing me to act this way and to become this kind of person. And I also didn't like being told what to do. My dad was such a talker. He was not a guy of his ward. He never kept his ward. He used to, you know, talk big and give promises, but he had no action. He had no involvement. We basically had to beg him to be involved in our lives.

That's how crazy it was. I was deleting some emails on my laptop a few weeks ago and I went down, down, down to emails when I was in uni and I found an e-mail I had sent to my dad to his office e-mail. And I read the e-mail and I really cried because in that e-mail I was begging him to pay my school fees. I was begging Yanni, my mom, she used to. I don't know if I should go deep into that. But anyway, my you know, because

I talked about consideration. Maybe I shouldn't talk about that today, but it was a bad situation. My mom in turn was always angry and I feel like she used to project this anger onto me. I don't feel like she OK, it felt like she hated me but I don't know if she was really aware that this is how she was making me feel. I've tried to have this conversation before and she denied OK. Now she's done a lot of growth and healing, so I know that the conversation will go different.

She'll apologize and she'll take accountability. But me processing those emotions as a kid, it was just crazy. It felt like she hated me and every time I brought it up I was being gaslit. I made it my mission to just fuck off. And my teenage hood was especially hell. There was constant fights and friction and anger and shouting. I grew up in a house that was really chaotic. Like it had it had, it had violence, it had abuse. It was just crazy.

So I got my first job at 17 and I guess that's where I never stopped. The abuse was physical, emotional, financial. And This is why I have a lot of poverty trauma. Like I have a lot of fear of being poor because I used to see how my mom would struggle, like to give us a certain life and she would give all her life into that. Which like I said, I really get

it as a parent. From a parent's point of view, I really understand because she did manage to give us that life, but then it made her a really angry woman who was never available. It's taken so long for me to even teach my mom to say I love you back. At least now we're there. But you can imagine. Imagine now is when my mom is even. Like it's because she's never had it herself. Like no one has ever told you I love you. It's through me, me now threw me healing that she's starting to

heal herself as well. So it's it's crazy. And when I hit 21, I got severely depressed, severely depressed. Whether when I was 22 years old, I was even living with my my friends. I had to run away from home. I don't know if my friends knew I was staying away from home because of the situation at home. I don't know. I mean, they did take me in and they took care of me and we grew

up together for a bit. But they don't know how much that escape helped save my life because many Lakona feel me kani Lakona cheesy. AT23 my career started taking off like love and orgasm started growing even bigger. And by the time I was 25, I was able to move out into my first apartment and I went no contact from my family, from my whole family extended from the cousins to the aunties to the everyone. I cut everyone off and I just started my life.

I can say that the distance helped and I think it is during this time we were away from each other. It was about 5 months to six months. It is during this time that helped my mom realize, Oh my goodness, what have I done? It's like maybe she had a revelation and realized this is not this was not her plan. She was not intending for her family to watch Anna. But she didn't realize that me being in that environment was causing this friction and us to fight consistently.

And so during this time, I went through so much. I went through so much anger and bitterness and I was so lonely and I was so broken because, you know, every child deserves the love of their mom. I used to really seek my mom's approval because I really do care about her, and she used to criticize me a lot, criticize everything I do. OK, now she's so understanding. And even if she doesn't understand, she takes time to teach herself and to learn better. She listens so much better.

But this is coming from a time where Katuna bug heads. There was nothing we could ever tell each other. We were consistently fighting. So this distance, it helped my mom and me for her to stop, you know, being so controlling over my life and for me to grow up and be able to control my own life without being dependent on her. Because you remember my mom was the breadwinner and she was doing everything for us, everything. So it was, it's hard on her mom. It's like she was a single

mother. Well, I also learned how to be like a better listener, more forgiving, how to let go, how to be honest and how to have honest conversations. Now we don't hold back. Like I've said, the same way I'm learning the lessons is the same way I can see my mom learning along with me things we used to fight about. Like now we have easy conversations. Our household is not a household of people who shout anymore. We just talk to each other and everyone listen.

We're much more kinder to each other and yeah, it's just so much better. So at 27, this is last year? No, when I was coming around to 26, I started now gaining stability on my own and me and my family reconnected again. We started being closer. I went back home. I was able to, you know, just start mending my relationship with my mom. I started being understanding that I needed to extend grace. Like if, if I want a relationship to work, I have to put in the work.

I have to sit around and listen and also do the work. It's not just expecting the other person to, to put in the work on their own. And sometimes what that looks like is you starting the work talk without anyone. Mimi. Mimi could move out. Konza could realize, OK, I don't need to be in a household where, you know, there's anger and violence. And I've created a home for myself where nobody shouts. Nobody has ever shouted in this house.

Everything is calm and peaceful. This is the safe haven even for my friends. They come here to rest and recharge their energy. So I've been able to share this energy with my parents as well. And I think This is why my mom loves having me home. She says I bring a lot of peace when I go over, like she's able to rest and relax and breathe. And it's such a nice thing for your mother to say, especially so when I was 27 years old last year. My mom was diagnosed with cancer.

I think this also propelled our family unity because now you know when 1 of you is sick, you realize how things like fights are so dumb. It's it's so dumb to waste time. When you know time, you get a taste of how precious time could be and it stops muttering. All those fights and anger and where they stop muttering because you start to see a

bigger thing. You start to see a bigger picture where instead of wasting time being angry at each other, blaming each other, it's just so much easier to love each other, each other and care and to be kinder. It's just it's so much easier. So I think that pushed us unintentionally, whether we liked it or not, because now we only had each other. And you know, when something I learned is when one of you has a terminal illness, first of all, it's very expensive to cheat and manage and stuff.

You know, you think you'll have support. But when my mom was going through treatment, not many people, like, especially not many people called in to check in, especially not the people I expected would The people who were there for me were my friends, people I've met in months, people I have known for a couple of years. Those are the people who were checking in on me, sending me meals, helping me pay my bills, like taking care of me

consistently, just my friends. But family, you realize that? Yeah, you're on your own. Nobody cares. It's not their mom who has cancer. It's just yours. So going through that reality, it's taught me there's no need wasting time being angry about things that don't matter. It's important to cultivate and fix the relationships that matter to you and me. For me, I knew my mom. I knew I mattered a lot to my

mom. Like my mom really really loved me a lot and she needed me in her life and I felt the same way about her. I I think I'm mildly in love with my mom. I really really love her. I care for her so much as a friend. So isn't it was it forced us to have difficult conversations and these days not even even pre he had diagnosis. OK now she's healed from it. She's fine, she's perfect, she's doing well, and my mom learned how to be apologetic.

Sometimes she might not even understand what she's done or how she's doing it, but anytime I bring up something, she's always ready to validate my emotions, to listen to, to, you know, just make me feel very reassured and reaffirmed. And she's always willing to work on it. If I say, I didn't like how you said this, she said, OK, teach me how to do it or I learn. And she always does better.

She's always improving. Like there's no more excuses, there's no more fights, there's no defensiveness. And it goes both ways. If they tell me this is how I feel about this, this, this, if it's reasonable, you know, we talk about it and we we negotiate like we teach each other, each other's points of view. So it really helps having conversations. And because of this, our conversations are so much better. We have so much kindness towards

each other. We care so much about each other's opinions because we know it always comes from a place of love and care. And also, I understand that my mom's control came from fear. She just feared that the things that happened to her would happen to us, her children. And that's why she was so protective. And her being protective meant she had to, you know, go into her masculine energy and just become a mother who is taking care of her kids. Regardless of what.

How can I your time, your kuka soft kuka to Mama. She had to be out there doing the The Dirty work and the hard work. So that's why I'm able to understand her, although it cost me a lot of, you know, abandonment issues, a lot of me consistently seeking validation. I think even now I subconsciously really seek her validation. If my mom says I look beautiful, then that will make my whole year. That's enough for me. That's like fuel to my ears.

If she tells me something, you know, your face, what's it really makes me think like, why would she say that? Because she's she's just saying it. I mean, she's learning how to be mindful, but you know such things when you're not when you're in a relationship with someone, it's like which is engineer, you really have to be patient with them as they're learning along the way. And I think that's the grace of being able to accord to each

other. I know how control came from that fear and high experiences as well. But now we are being very intentional. We are taking time and we realize that family is everything. It's all a work in progress. Every relationship takes a lot of effort and intentionality. And the same way my mom wanted to mend her relationship with me is the same way I wanted to mend my with hers.

So now I'm talking about all this because this person asked me. You just went straight from having drama with your family to now you're consistently doing family stuff and you guys are together. What happened in between? So I think I've explained what happened in between leading up to where we're at now, but let me just finish off by saying that it took delivery to work. It took, first of all, Sisi Kutakumen relationship and then Sisi kuku kisana naku actively fixed.

Like if someone says they have an issue, it's important to listen to them and work on it actively. This has helped us be together. I don't want to say that the cancer helped, you know, bring unity, but it kind of did because like I said, everything else stopped mattering. I don't one wish a calamity on anyone for you to realize that

your family is important. You can learn from people who haven't had to go through calamities or people who've had to go through them and they can speak about them. But don't let it get too late. If you care about someone, go and talk to them. Like go and fix that relationship. Tell them you love them, work on it. This is if the relationship is not toxic to you and hurting you.

You see, for me it took for me to go no contact for a while, like I said, before we were even able to talk to each other and. Listen to each other now. Also, it can be the kilometers, sushi, ego. No more beating of the chest. It's just honest conversations about how we really feel about each other. And now I can see it's been about three years. I can see a significant change. Us guys do everything in harmony. We're always together. We're travelling together, we

eat together. Everyone used to eat in their rooms. Now we eat all of us. We eat at the dining table. We we consistently call each other, we're consistently texting. And I can say that I'm able to enjoy my family now and I'm able to be grateful for us giving each other a second chance because it's important. It gives me a lot of confidence in myself, makes me love myself because at home, I'm really

loved. And that gives me a different kind of, you know, love for myself as well-being loved by your mother and your father, it makes you really, really have confidence. That's how we salvage our relationship. I don't know if I've touched on everything. If you have any more questions, just feel free to ask me and I will respond immediately. But other than that, yeah, that's how I fixed my relationship. Personally, I haven't gone this

for this episode. I haven't gone anywhere like to Google. How do you fix your relationship with your parent? I've just told you what I did for myself. I I saw this shit was dysfunctional. This fighting and arguing is not good for me. It was killing my vibe, killing my art, killing me, killing my life. Fighting with your mom is not fun. It really destroys even your perception of relationships with

other women. While in real sense, you're supposed to be working on, you know, having a strong sense of community around you, especially of women, because women will always save you. They'll always love you unconditionally. So now that I've, I'm fixing my relationship with my mom and my dad and my brother, US guys are super, super close. We're, we always say we're, we're the four best friends, but it's taken a lot of work. It's not it was not easy. It didn't happen overnight.

It's taken a lot of work. Come on, imagine CC to look intentional and we wanted it. And now is when I'm starting to see the fruits of our labor like three years later, imagine with parents who are not willing to see something is wrong with kids who are still, you know, bitter and angry about the things that has been done to them, the abuse they have been subjected to. It's not easy. And I really acknowledge that.

So be patient with yourself. I know it's really hard to live without your parents, whether they are not around or whether they are around and they're not present. It's really difficult. It's like grieving, grieving. It's like grief, actually. And it's not easy. So I truly understand. But I just say give yourself the grace. You don't have to understand anything or accept anything just yet. Your job is just to heal yourself. Heal yourself in the smallest of portions that you can.

And at some point you'll get to a point, maybe you'll be able to understand them, not necessarily accept, but just understand why they did what they had to do. And even if you never get there, it's fine. As long as you're able to give yourself the space to grieve and heal and grow and learn, that's all that matters. So feel free to ask me any questions in the DMS and I will respond to them. Thank you so much for listening. This is how I fixed my relationship with my parents.