You know, the older and more aware and smarter I get, and I mean smarter in a lot of areas in my life, in most areas of my life, actually, the better the quality and you know, just the basically the quality of people I meet. And this also means that I'm around better quality men. I date better men who are also smarter, better, amazing.
And something that I've been realizing a lot even as I've been dating upwards is that I always go through the same issue when it comes to me expressing myself emotionally.
And I'm also realizing that this is just something that is complementary in heterosexual relationships, but maybe it's something we need to talk about and I want to hear your thoughts on it. So The thing is, it doesn't matter how smart the men are that I date, when it comes to me explaining how I feel emotionally, there's consistently always an emotional breakdown. And I'll explain. A few years back, I was dating, dating, seeing this guy, really, really smart guy.
He was. I mean, I never had to explain anything to him because he gets things really, really fast. In fact, we never had any misunderstandings about just sharing our feelings and thoughts because he got me really, really quickly. He was, he was such an amazing understander of me. He gets me even now. I mean, we still talk once in a while and you know, he really truly knows me. He has an amazing memory of the
things I like. He would to the point that if we went to a restaurant together, he would know what to order for me to a tea, down to the sauces that I like. So this is someone who gets me completely. But anytime I would start expressing myself emotionally, this is where the kizungum kuti would come in. You see, the reason there's this discrepancy I'm realizing is that men and women are speaking very, very different languages. Most times. As a woman, this is me on a
personal level. I'm not saying all women are like this, but when I feel something, even if the feeling is making sense or not, I tend to want to express it. And I'm realizing when I do this around men, they always try to meet me on a logical level, like to explain why my feelings can't make sense because they would have to be like this so that it can make sense. And then this would have to happen. And I'm always trying to understand why they do this without realizing that they do
this. But I probably do this from an emotional standpoint as well without realizing I'm doing this. There's this group I'm in with lots of fans of the a few fans of actually. And in that group we discuss a lot of things about intimacy and relationships. And this is a discussion that we were having about how, you know, what does it mean when a woman is opening up and saying, hey, I feel like, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah. And the men were really, you know, eager to learn, to actually learn what it means. And the women were trying to explain that when a woman does that, in that moment, she needs you to meet her emotionally. She needs you to sit in your emotions and hold space for her emotionally. Listen, I know a lot of men in this who are maybe closer to my age, especially millennials going upwards were not granted the space for them to know how to show up emotionally, especially for people.
And This is why the I, I keep preaching about this because having emotional intelligence is a human advantage. It's a human trait. It's not something that is reserved for women. It's not something that only women are supposed to be good at. It's something every human being should be amazing at because it helps you and it forms the decisions you make. For instance, I make my decisions solely based off my
emotions. And you'll hear a lot of people talking about you're too emotional, don't use your emotions to make decisions. And it makes me wonder why. Why? As a human being, I have emotions for a reason. There's a reason these emotions exist. And ever since I started trusting the way I feel about stuff, it has helped me learn to trust my intuition much more. I mean, it doesn't mean that I shouldn't use my brain. It just means it's not all the time that things have to make sense.
Sometimes it doesn't make sense, but if it makes me feel good, why not? And I find people who try to be logical all the time really struggle with this because even if, if it feels good, even if it feels really good, as long as it doesn't make sense, they're going to forfeit it. And I feel like they're, they're losing out on this side of life. Why? Because I'm not forfeiting on my logical intelligence. I'm not saying, hey, I don't need to be smart. I don't need to know stuff.
I'm learning both sides. I'm learning on the emotional side and I'm learning on the logical side. What that does is that it sets me apart from someone who's locking themselves away from emotions and refusing to learn or do better. It's putting me way ahead of them. It's making sure I'm able to enjoy all sides of this beautiful coin. And I'm not saying this to say you know I'm better than you. I'm saying this to say, hey, you can be just as as good as me or
even better than me, so why not? That was just one example of a guy. Most of the guys I actually relate with, even on a on a professional level, most times, I always have to justify why applying my emotions is an important part of the process. People tend to try and shut me down because, you know, don't bring feelings into this. Feelings have no space here, but we're human beings and there's
feelings everywhere. It is my true belief that we must apply emotions in all the things that we are doing or all the things we'd love to do because it is through this that you're able to be very honest with yourself about. Do you really want to be there? They have an ex. Let me just out myself. There's this guy I was dating last year and this man was really amazing to me. He was such an amazing husband. Let me not even call him boyfriend because we had already gone out to look at rings.
He wanted me to have his beachfront mansion. We were making plans to travel. This is just one month into the relationship and this is because this guy was very intentional. He knew what he wanted. He knew he wanted to marry me. But during that time I had to be honest with myself and I'll tell you what I had to be honest with myself about Don't beat me up. Well, this guy, he was amazing. He was take me taking me out on
dates. He was communicating any all the things girls complain about I had no issues with. For maybe even the first time ever in my romantic life. This was the perfect boyfriend. He was amazing. He gave me everything I needed, took care of me, loved me. He would wash my body, he would buy me everything I needed. He was actually amazing. And to be honest, I am materialistic. These are the kind of man I love. He's absolutely my type. He was amazing to me. He loved me beyond anything.
He was my friend. You know, we had an amazing relationship going on and I was happy for most part of the time, but I was still in love with someone else. Please Missini Chapas sprinkle sprinkle battalion especially. I was still in love with someone else. And I had to sit down with myself and be honest and and weigh and say, OK, look at all the things I'm going to receive. I'm going to receive a home. I'm going to receive such a
beautiful life. I don't even have to walk if I don't want to. I'm set. I'm going to receive basically everything I want. He got me even the ring that I wanted. But I kept thinking about my ex. I kept thinking about making love to my ex. I kept thinking about my ex's hands watching me. I kept thinking about how it felt with his skin on mine. And to the point that even when I was having sex with this, my boyfriend, I had to think about
my ex to come. I had to make an honest decision with myself, for myself and just be honest with this guy because it would be very unfair if I stayed and used him. And listen, someone else will say, you know what does it matter? Get the property, get the I would have. And actually, even if I were honest with him, he probably would have left me with this stuff. But I didn't want something. I didn't want to receive stuff out of pretentious ways.
I didn't want to be the kind of person who stays married to someone. But it's all I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything. And listen, this was an easy decision for someone who thinks logically. I mean, who doesn't want all these things that I had been offered on a silver platter. And you know what? I broke up with that man, not because he was a horrible person, but because I just didn't want to live a lie. I broke, broke up with him and he was very heartbroken actually.
But even through his heartbreak, he still remained very kind to me. It's not that I didn't love him, it's just that I didn't love him as much as I loved my ex. And I, I tried, I mean, I tried, I tried, I stayed, I tried. There's nothing I didn't do. I tried so hard. I deleted this guy. I blocked everything. I stopped speaking to him. I thought I moved on, but everything just kept bringing me back to him and thoughts of, you know, how his hands feel on my skin.
I think that's torture. I wasn't about to let myself live a life of torture. I had to be honest with myself and pick the options that feels better despite it not making the most sense. And I say this because I'm a very materialistic person. So the decision that would make sense was for me to get all these stuff that I wanted and just pretend and stay married. And then, you know, after I acquire this stuff, I can make the decision I want.
You see, me leaving my, my, my boyfriend at that time, I didn't leave him because, like I said, I didn't leave him because I didn't love him. I just left him because I loved my ex more. And I wasn't leaving him because I was going to get back with my ex. Nope. Actually, there was no guarantee I was going to ever speak with my ex again. There was no guarantee that this guy was ever going to speak with me again. But I just had to be honest with
myself. And that's the kind of person I am. I have to to be very, very honest with myself because my feelings haunt me. My feelings follow me everywhere I go. They are every part of me. Anger, jealousy, love, passion, beauty, happiness, forgiveness, all these feelings are part of me and I have to accept that. They inform a lot of the decisions I've had. I've quit jobs just because I didn't feel good about being there.
I've stopped hanging out with friends just because I felt something wasn't right and there's no moment my body or my feelings have ever misguided me or LED me ashay. They're always very very spot on. So I find most of the relationships I'm in I'm consistently trying to justify why my feelings are valid and they really inform the decisions I make. So I find that people struggle a lot with emotional intelligence and when I show up like this I notice they become blank 0.
So most times I have to explain myself over and over and over and over again. And a lot of times it causes fights and most times it just ends, you know, at a space where I'm not being understood. But because I'm the one who knows how to understand, I take it in, I compromise, I swallow it and I accept. But nobody says, hey, I understand you. Also, I feel what you're saying. I'm consistently invalidated about these feelings that I
have. I feel like a lot of the reasons why my relationships that have ended and is because I always feel like I'm not being understood and feelings are very much part of the experience of this life that we're all living. I wish people would give it as give it some space as much as I do right now. I have better understanding that you can't know what you don't know, but you can always try to learn more about it and find out because that's how we grow.
I'm also realizing that there's some relationships that will end because there's some people who would rather not understand anything you're saying or be willing to learn and listen because misunderstanding you is easier. And because I've been able to throw myself out there into, you know, relationships where I can explore being smart in different ways, I'm learning that the people who love me are just sticking by me through all the journeys as I fail, as I make
mistakes, as I lose stuff. I don't want anyone to come into my life and try to solve my emotional issues with logic. I need people to meet me emotionally. If I feel something, try to sit with me in my emotions. Don't try to process it with your logic and try to see if my problems are making sense. Sometimes they don't, and that's why they are emotional. Emotions are not things that you can figure out all the time in some sort of way. It's not like math. It's not like it's not a logical
equation. It's just an emotion. And sometimes it doesn't have a solution or it doesn't have. The only thing it requires is for you to just sit with me and listen the same way. It would be very, very unfair if I started showing up to logical issues with emotions and trying to tell you, you know, feel this way, feel this way.
No, I think it's important to learn to meet each other where the issue is at without trying to impose the ways with which we solve our own personal issues onto other people. I wanted to talk about emotion versus logic.
And I hope that, you know, I'm realizing, I'm realizing that I'm not always the best at expressing myself the way I think I am because sometimes things make a lot of sense in my mind, but when it comes to me speaking or opening up, it doesn't come out the way I want it to come out. And this in turn, also causes a lot of conflict within my
relationships. But The thing is, I just blabber in hopes that whoever gets it gets it and whoever doesn't get it, get it. But for now, my message is when I'm having an emotional issue, don't try to solve it with logic. When I tell you I feel something, stop trying to understand and psychoanalyze it. It's, it's not something that needs solving. It's just something that needs sitting with, acknowledging, understanding that I'm a human being with emotions.
I feel stuff and I like to express my emotions. That would make the world a better place for all the people who are very emotional like me. If you have any questions about this episode, please feel free to message me and ask me. Maybe I can do much more clarifications. But I think I want to end this episode here. And until next time, Kohedi.