150 - From Self-Blame to Self-Discovery

So I don't think I can give any advice , because not only is it not my place , but also everyone's journeys will be different , but I can talk about my own experience , which might be helpful . So the question was "hi , jackie , I just listened to your episode with Dan Neuffer .

I heard you mention that a big piece of recovery for you was identifying what you were doing before becoming unwell that contributed , while also not blaming yourself . I can really relate , as I was also very stressed , perfectionistic , overworking and over exercising prior to having COVID . My question is can you speak to how you did this ?

How did you work through the self blame if you had any and come to an embodied understanding that it wasn't your fault ? " So this is a really interesting question . I'm not saying that I deserve Blunk COVID because I didn't . I'm not blaming myself for getting sick either , because it's not my fault .

However , my understanding that some of the patterns I had before getting unwell did or may have contributed to becoming unwell , not making a good recovery and then prolonging that recovery . So for me , some of those things were being very stressed . I wouldn't have thought I was stressed five years ago .

But as Jenny Adams so eloquently put it in a recent episode , if you put a frog into boiling water , it jumps out , but if you put it into cold water and heat it up , it doesn't notice and it's too late until it's too late . And that's kind of how I see my run up to becoming unwell late . And that's kind of how I see my run-up to becoming unwell .

So then , covid itself was kind of , you know , a match to the gasoline , so to speak . I was also a perfectionist , always pushing myself to do more and better , then more and better . I couldn't say no to anyone or anything . I was a yes person . If you needed it done , give it to Jackie . I also pushed through everything work , illnesses .

Prior to Covid , exercise , rest was for the weak . Sitting back and stopping even for a moment wasn't something that I really even knew about , and if I did , I would have dismissed it . I was superwoman in some ways . Now , this is the thing .

If I'd known that being like this would contribute to me getting really sick for a long time , would I have done it ? No , of course not . If I had known I was putting my health at risk , of course I would have made some changes . Would I have made enough changes ? Who knows ? Maybe something like this would have happened eventually anyway , who knows ?

I think sometimes we have to go through an experience to understand why change is required . I wish that wasn't true , and it may not be true for everybody , but I think it possibly was .

For me , covid was the trigger , the straw that broke the camel's back and , for clarity , the camel was me and the back was effectively my body , shutting down and saying enough , I cannot take anymore . So back to the question of how do you work through this , I think to start with identifying those patterns or lifestyle factors .

Perfectionism and people pleasing are very common , but may not apply to everybody . Some of us have a drive to be doing things right now Actually I have that one too Lots of traits that are unhelpful , or certainly are unhelpful if they take over our lives , which they can do if they aren't balanced out with others .

So do you have things in your life that contribute to your stress . Can you reduce that ? It might be your job , your home life , your activities . Some things we have control over , some we might not , but everything we improve in our lives will help . And I think you know many of these traits and patterns .

In fact , maybe most of them , as I'm starting to understand , go back to our childhood . We didn't deliberately have these things . Often it's our body trying to protect us in some way . Emphasis on trying . For me , it's been a really interesting journey . I know myself much better than I did before and I think that's a good thing , certainly for me .

I found working with the therapist was very helpful . She was able to guide me , question me , dig into things I maybe didn't really want to dig into but really needed to . I'd really recommend that , if it's something available , available to you .

I don't expect she's listening , but I want to give her a big shout out anyway because she's been amazing and I think you know kind of like everything . Self-awareness is always the first step , whether it's working with traits , drivers , patterns , your breath , your nutrition or anything else .

Be aware of what's going on in your body , in your mind , in your nervous system , what's showing up , what does your body need Is what you are doing helpful for your body and your recovery ? And you know , noticing where you feel it as well , feeling that . nd And then understanding . It's not your fault . It's not your fault .

and And actually the reason why new you , when new you emerges , is going to be better and more resilient . Because you understand and you know yourself better . You recognize yourself slipping into these patterns if you do . I'm still working through some of my perfectionism , for sure , but I notice it now when it kicks in and I keep trying to challenge myself .

I think I've put this out on my socials loads of times and I maybe need to do it more . There's this beautiful quote by Maya Angelou that says "do the best you can until you know better . Then , when you know better , do better . And I think this really hits the nail on the head .

Before we got sick , we didn't know better , and I think this really hits the nail on the head . Before we got sick , we didn't know better , so we did what we did . Now we do know better , so we do better . I also think the advice of what would you say to a friend or a loved one in this situation can be really helpful as well .

So if a friend or loved one was blaming themselves for something , what would you say to them ? Would we say , oh , you're such an idiot . You brought this upon yourself . You know you deserve this . It's all your fault . Now , of course , you wouldn't say that , or if you did , you wouldn't be a very good friend .

You'd say something along the lines of wanting to support them , help them , be kind and empathetic to them , help them to do better now they know better . Support them . What can you do to help ? So I think we need to offer the same kindness and compassion to ourselves , and that is not something that we can be good at . Certainly I'm rubbish at it .

The things I say to myself , the things I would never ever say to somebody else , um , and I have to keep catching myself as I do that you know you didn't want this . You didn't deserve it .

Some of the things you did may have contributed , but there's no use in blame . Meet blame with compassion . and there's a couple of quotes I found recently that might also be helpful . So the first one is "the the secret to getting unstuck is radically accepting where you're at now with grace . Let go of expecting perfectionism from yourself .

You won't always be your most productive , make the decisions or get it right . A little self-compassion will take you a long way , And I think anything this is so key . know . - We talk about accepting accepting where you are now , accepting what's happened in the past , because we - "sending change the past . The past has happened , it's done .

But we can accept where we are now and do better , moving forward . And then this is other quote which I've slightly tweaked to make it more appropriate for the situation sending love to anyone , reckoning with their own patterns , traits and history and trying their best to unlearn them .

You are seen , you are brave and with a little bit of discipline , you are going to make it . And I think I think there's something here , because I think . it And does take great discipline and great courage to confront what is inside of us , some of these things which we may feel make up some of our identity .

And for some of us , I think it can be the hardest battle and it is a journey , a process , takes time , but with persistence and maybe a little bit of help , it is totally possible .

There are times where I'll say something , or even someone else will say something along the lines of well , this happened because of the way that I was acting before and I just need to gently remind myself or them . But that just isn't true . It's not true .

There are other people that may have had a similar lifestyle and didn't get long COVID and even if it is true , it's not my fault and through that kind of repetition over time I let go of any of that blame that creeps in .

I think one of the silver linings of an experience like this is that we're able to remake ourselves , and I appreciate that I'm saying this from the perspective of having come out the other end . But this new and better version of us . We didn't want this experience , we didn't ask for it , we didn't deserve it , but we can make the best of it .

I love this idea of um I think it's from taoism of the first and the second arrow . I heard about this a while ago and I was reminded of it last week and it was particularly poignant given the uh nerve issues I can't have in my leg and it's driving me nuts . This first arrow the insult to our bodies .

We can't do anything about that because it's already happened . The second arrow our reaction to it , that we do have power over what do you do as a result of that first hour . So for me , it's taking some responsibility and accepting that .

And using that information to be better from now on that respect for my body that I learned by finding out what happened when I didn't respect my body , the appreciation for health , the gratitude for the smallest things and embracing what is important in life health , joy , connection , nature for me anyway , and letting go of things that aren't .

New me is better than old me . I'm not perfect , because nothing is , but I am more authentically me than I ever have been , and that has to be a good thing .

And I think , finally , a quote which actually the wonderful Susie Suzy Bolt posted recently and I loved it , but the original quote is by a Brazilian writer called Paulo Coelho and it goes like this maybe - "maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything .

Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that isn't you , so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place . That authenticity , doing what we were meant to be , doing , what makes your heart sing . I think I'm finally on the way to finding mine .

So I'd love to take this opportunity to thank everyone who sends me a message , either via the fan mail function in the show notes , via dm , by email , through the website or as a comment on social media . It's so lovely to hear from people . I do usually try to reply , but especially recently it has been hard to keep up .

So please know that I really appreciate every message and I will get back to you eventually . And if I don't , you have permission to pester me . I also want to celebrate episode 150 of the podcast whoop pat on the head for me . Um , noble service will be resumed next week with another wonderful guest .

I'm on holiday this week , so , as this airs , I'll most likely be . I mean , to be honest , I'll most likely be hiding away from the wind and the rain and the van . But if I'm more hopeful , then I might be enjoying a beach , cycling out , walking or drinking hot chocolate . So here's hoping that technology and its wonderful automations all work .

And yes , if you do have questions for me , I can't promise to have anything useful to say , but you can guarantee that I'll always have something to say .