219. The Big 3 Mindset Traps Keeping You Stuck

You're listening to the Life Coaching Secrets Podcast, episode 219. Did you know that life coaches are needed now more than ever? I'm Frank Macri, founder of Thriving Coach Academy. I've trained over a thousand coaches and helped them launch their own successful coaching businesses. If you want to make an incredible income and impact as a coach,

and have a lot of fun doing it, I'll show you exactly how to get it done. This is Life Coaching Secrets. What's up coaches? In this episode, I'm sharing the three biggest mindset traps that are keeping you stuck and they are certainly keeping your clients stuck as well. Really eager to dive into this. This is going to blow your mind.

Before I get into the topic, I just want to give a quick life update. I recently got back from a two-week trip to Greece with my fiance, and oh my gosh, we had the best time. We landed in Athens, spent a couple of nights there. went up to the Acropolis and the Parthenon. Then we took a plane over to this tiny island called Naxos, which was incredible.

And we rented a car while we were in Naxos and explored some of the tiny villages in the center of the island. We did this beautiful hike up to the top that overlooked all of the Cyclades and it was just stunning. Then we took a little ferry ride over to Santorini, spent a few nights there. We were in this gorgeous resort and our room had a private infinity pool that overlooked the island, which was...

Just absolutely insane. And then we finished the trip on another island called Krait, which is one of the largest, I believe, of all the Greek islands. Also blown away by Crait. Every island that we went to was so distinct and special. And I have to say that my favorite part of the trip was probably the food. I was so, so...

Loving the food. I think Greek food is now my all-time favorite. So you must go to Greece if you have the opportunity to at some point in your life. It really was a special trip. And unfortunately once I got back home I got sick and lost my voice for a few days. So now that my voice is back, I'm in the studio and I am just so eager to get some episodes out to you this summer. And my goal this summer.

for the rest of the summer is to completely spoil you with incredible episodes that are really going to help you take your coaching to the next level. Okay, does that sound fair? So let's get into it. So I want to talk about the big three mindset traps that keep people stuck. Okay, I'm going to pull back the curtain and go over what these are. And the three traps are...

Instead of calling them traps, I'm actually going to call them masks in this episode because they are masks that many people wear. And in Thriving Coach Academy, we go really deep into this concept of what a mask is and how essential it is to recognize the mask. So if you're wondering what a mask is, I'll also define that. So a mask is a false identity that someone adopts to protect themselves from a perceived threat, such as judgment, failure, or rejection.

So it is a psychological defense mechanism that is rooted in fear. And it often comes from past experiences, but also cultural conditioning. or just early messaging about what's acceptable, what makes you lovable, and what makes one quote successful. So we all wear one or a whole collection of masks because we're trying to avoid this judgment from others. And it's our job as coaches to help our clients recognize what their masks are.

So that way we can help them remove those masks so they can show up to their life from a place of authenticity and also alignment. Now, our masks do serve a purpose, okay? They are not inherently bad. The purpose they serve is to help us fit in, to help us feel safe, and to help you avoid discomfort. But over time, they will also disconnect you from your true self. So instead of expressing who you actually are, you end up performing who you think you need to be in order to fit in.

So this might look like overachieving to gain approval or people-pleasing to avoid conflict or perfectionism to avoid being found out or exposed. So we need to help our clients recognize what their masks are and gently remove those masks so they can show up to their lives authentically.

So the three masks that I'm going to go over in this episode are the overachieving mask, the perfectionist mask, and also the people pleasing mask. And the reason I chose these three is because these are the three. most common masks that you're probably going to recognize with your clients. The other reason I chose these three is because these are the three masks that we also see.

in coaches as they are putting themselves out there and growing their businesses you'll probably notice a collection of these three for some people it might lean more towards one mask than another Okay, so I'm going to go into what each of these masks are and also give you some powerful coaching questions that you can reflect on and ask your clients as well to start putting that mask down so it doesn't hold.

them back anymore now again remember masks determine what our rules are so it's so important we actually know what the mask is because then it also helps us really understand what rules our clients are living their lives by. So let's start out with the overachieving mask. What does it mean to overachieve? So overachieving is having a relentless drive to go above and beyond in everything, often at the expense of your well-being. And if you are an overachiever, you...

likely tie your self-worth to accomplishments and you're constantly setting a higher standard for yourself and you're setting higher and higher goals. So does this sound familiar to you? Do you know anybody who might have the overachieving mask? I am definitely guilty of this myself in many chapters of my life. And it's something that I'm still working through is to putting down this mask.

So the purpose of this mask is it allows you to feel worthy through your accomplishments. But like all masks, they are rooted in fear. The main fear with the overachieving mask is if I stop achieving. I'm going to lose value and I'm going to fall behind. OK, this is the main fear that one with the overachieving mask will have. And the breakthrough for someone who has an overachieving mask.

is redefining their worth and success beyond their productivity. Okay, not measuring their worth and success on how much they're able to produce and do. So an overachiever might have various rules that they... live by such as, I need to do more to be successful. Or if I slow down, I'm going to fall behind. Or I'll rest once I've accomplished everything else. Or I have to work harder than everyone else in order to succeed.

Or they might think I haven't done enough yet to celebrate. These are really common rules that someone with that overachieving mask is going to have. And the typical. Signs that someone has the overachieving mask and how it holds them back. Number one is having chronic burnout.

So overachievers live in a constant state of doing. They rarely take time to rest. They ignore their body's need for recovery, which leads them to often feel exhausted. Sometimes it might show up in the form of physical illness. or even resentment towards their work. It also causes one to never feel good enough because no matter how much they accomplish, they just never feel like they're enough. So they're creating this moving finish line that's...

robbing them of having any type of satisfaction or peace in their life. One of the other ways it could hold people back is disconnecting them from their desire. So they will often pursue goals that look impressive. maybe to others, but they don't actually fulfill them because their motivation is that external validation, rather that inner alignment. And this creates an unsustainable success. So the results...

are being built on hustle and sacrifice, neglecting joy and freedom. That's being left out. And eventually, things just will collapse under all of that pressure. And when someone has the overachieving mask as well, there's this inability to celebrate wins. So even when they achieve some big goal, they quickly move on to the next goal without acknowledging their success. Now, I am very guilty of this showing up for me, even though I've spent...

years doing the work on this I noticed that when I was writing my book last year into this year that my overachieving mask was showing up because as I was writing the book I thought you know what I think I should write another book And before I knew it, there were two other books that I was trying to simultaneously write with my original book. And eventually I said, okay, I need to stop. I need to focus on this one book.

And really give that book time to breathe when it's out into the world and rest and celebrate that for what it is. And I remember when I finally launched the book, which, by the way, the book's called The Thriving Coach. It's available now on all major platforms. Go check it out. The Thriving Coach.

When it was released, and thank you to all of you who have already purchased it, and I love the feedback on how much you've enjoyed it. But when I released it, I noticed that the overachieving part of me was like, okay, so what's the next thing? And I had to have a conversation with myself. Give myself permission to just celebrate this big accomplishment and not immediately move on to something else. I know that I'm always going to.

want to grow and achieve. That's a part of me that I appreciate. But it's also nice to balance that out with just enjoying the wins as I progress through life.

So here are some ways that you can help overcome that overachieving mask. Number one is to redefine success beyond hustle. So instead of measuring your success by how much you do. Measure it by how aligned you are with your values, how aligned your actions and goals are with your own values. Okay, so success isn't about... Just doing more for the sake of doing more. It's about doing what actually matters. And your worth is not defined by your productivity. So instead of.

thinking success is just by doing more, what about doing something for the fun of it, not for any particular outcome? I remember especially when this mask started for me, which was when I was in grade school because I had a lot of insecurity and I was not confident. So I started to wear this overachieving mask because I thought, oh, this is how I'm going to prove myself to others.

So I would just overachieve to prove myself. But it's really awesome to not feel that anymore. Like a few years ago, I started to take on other. pursuits just for the sake of them and enjoying them for myself. I started to learn piano and I started to get back into tennis. And instead of doing it to prove anything to others, it was just, I'm going to pursue this and do this just to see what I'm capable of and just to enjoy the learning and the growth that comes from this.

It's been an entirely different experience from how I used to experience setting goals in the past. It's also helpful to remember you have nothing to prove. You have nothing to prove to... Anybody. So what if you just saw your goals as an opportunity to express yourself, to see what you're capable of, but not you needing to prove anything to other people? So instead of measuring your worth by how much you're putting out in the world.

You can measure it based on how aligned you are and what you're doing is to your values. So ask yourself a question like, is this truly important to me or am I doing this to prove something to others? Another way to overcome. the overachieving mask, is to schedule time for rest. Don't make it something that's a reward. Make it part of your actual strategy for any goals that you have.

Like any battery requires time to recharge. And actually that's one of the reasons why I like to take some trips throughout the year and travel because that is time to recharge. It is. deliberate time away from my work, right away from the business. And the ironic thing about it is that by taking that time to recharge, when I come back into my goals and the business and all that. I actually bring fresh ideas fresh perspective fresh energy rather than if I was constantly spinning my wheels.

If you don't take and don't plan intentional breaks, you'll just keep filling your time with more work. There's always more things that you can do. So see rest as part of your strategy rather than it be a reward. It might be a challenge for you or your clients to block off time on your calendar for nothing. For nothing at all. Nothing that you have to do. And release any guilt that you might also feel.

when you do take rest because if you are resting but the whole time that you're vacationing relaxing resting you're feeling guilty then that's not really rest okay And this is not about stopping your ambitious part of you altogether. It's just balancing it out by scheduling in breaks and rest and knowing that that actually allows you to hit the goals that you want to hit.

So schedule time for rest like it's actually a part of your overall strategy in life. Recharging, it is not laziness. It's actually leverage. It's leverage for you to show up fuller. And then finally, celebrating the small win, celebrating your progress. So don't chase the carrot on a stick and continually extend your goal post. Actually celebrate your progress. Don't just wait until there's a particular...

particular outcome to celebrate it. And we incorporate a lot of this into our training in the academy when our coaches are hitting their milestones. Every single week, we start at our calls with our coaches and our students sharing what their wins are.

And we remind our students, we want you to share not just big wins, but also small wins in your life. And at first, some of our coaches hesitate to really recognize that because that overachieving part of them is calling the shots. But when you actually put that aside. That's when you can realize all of those little ways that you've moved forward. You can actually acknowledge how far you've come.

And if you're in our program right now and listening to this, I want you to actually reflect on this right now. What is something you can acknowledge about your progress? Progress deserves celebration. Progress also deserves celebration, not just the outcome. So if you have those rules, if you think I need to do more to be successful, remember, you don't have to do more.

You don't have to do more to be enough. You don't have to do more to be enough. If you think that if you slow down, you're going to fall behind, remember success is about alignment, not exhaustion. Rest is a strategy, not a reward. If you think that you have to work harder than everyone else to succeed, this is not true. Choose sustainable success over burnout. sustainable success. Let that be your strategy.

And if you're thinking, I haven't really done enough yet to earn my celebration, what if instead you tried on the rule that you can allow yourself to celebrate how far you've already come? You can celebrate as you go. So I want to leave you with some questions as well before I go into the next mask. So some questions to think about is firstly, what are you chasing and why? Are you pursuing goals that truly fulfill you or are they just based on?

getting validation from others. Is the life that you're building actually the one that you want or is it one that impresses others? Sometimes it's reflecting on these questions that make someone realize, oh my gosh, I've been climbing this career path and going up this corporate ladder just to impress other people, but it's not even the work that really fulfills me. It's not even what I want to do. Another question is, if nothing you ever did again could earn you more praise or approval?

what would you still choose to do? This is such a deep question that I want to share it one more time. If nothing that you ever did again could earn you more praise or approval, what would you still choose to do? This question can change everything. Okay, I'm going to give you some more. If you could no longer measure your success based on your productivity or achievement, how would you define it?

What would a fulfilling life look like without you tying your worth to your output, to your productivity? How do you want to define success again? Maybe you want to define it by how aligned you are with it, how closely your... goals align with your values and the truth of who you are. Some other questions to consider are what would happen if you actually slow down? So what would you have to feel?

If you stopped constantly striving, like think about what feeling are you possibly avoiding? What would you actually have to feel if you stopped constantly striving? And what are you afraid of losing if you took a break or. worked at a more sustainable pace? What are you afraid that you're actually going to lose? What's the worst thing that would happen if you just allowed yourself to be still? These are the fears that you want to face head on and also invite your clients to face as well.

And then lastly, what's something that you've already accomplished that you haven't fully celebrated? What's something that you haven't? that you've already accomplished, but you haven't fully celebrated. And it might even be worth thinking about who are you beyond your accomplishments? If you just took away all your titles, your roles, your achievements, what's left?

Who are you without your accomplishments? All right. So that's what I got for overachieving. Let's talk about perfectionism. Perfectionism is the belief that everything has to be flawless before you can take action on it. So perfectionists are afraid of making mistakes or being seen as anything less than exceptional. And I am raising my hand because I am also guilty of wearing this mask throughout my life.

So the purpose of this, just like all masks, it's to avoid judgment. That's the purpose of the masks, avoiding judgment and rejection of others. The root fear of perfectionism is if I make a mistake or show my flaws, then I'll be unworthy. So this is a bit different from overachieving. Sometimes coaches confuse the two. Overachieving is I need to do more, do more, do more.

So perfectionism is it has to be perfect, right? It has to. There cannot be any flaws in me or in what I'm doing. So the breakthrough for the perfectionist is realizing that. You can be imperfect. And imperfection is actually a path to growth and fulfillment. So it's about embracing imperfect action. When you are having the perfectionist mask.

This leads you to procrastinate, okay? A lot of paralysis by analysis. So if you notice you are procrastinating on goals or your clients are, it could likely be because you are wearing the perfectionist mask. You're waiting until you feel ready before. you do something, launch something, share something, or take any kind of meaningful action.

Okay, perfectionism also keeps people from being visible, from being seen. So you'll avoid putting yourself out there because you're afraid of how others might criticize you or they might see you as being imperfect. I know at times in the past. I've had this fear come up sometimes around social media where I think, oh, wait, I can't post that because I didn't articulate that perfectly or I didn't exactly like my outfit. So I got to change my outfit and do the whole thing over again.

And even with this podcast as well, when I was years ago and I was getting into it, I think actually when I first wanted to make a podcast, I pushed it off because of my perfectionism. And now I've embraced it so much where.

I could listen over to episodes that I've done and like, oh, you know what? I could have said that better. Or, you know, I didn't articulate that as well as I wanted to. I could have reworded that or I totally mispronounced that word. But I just laugh at it and I just keep sharing.

I've done a lot of work on myself and rewritten a lot of the perfectionist rules to actually put down that mask. And the unfortunate thing is when you live at the effect of your perfectionist mask, you also miss out on opportunities. While other people out there are taking messy action and learning, perfectionists are staying stuck. They're preparing, they're tweaking, they're constantly second-guessing themselves, and that will cause you to really fall behind in life.

Sometimes coaches will experience this and they'll disguise their procrastination as preparation. Oh, I'm just refining my niche. I'm just tweaking my offer. I'm just editing my website. And it's this constant refining, tweaking, adjusting. which is keeping them from actually putting themselves out there and coaching others. So sometimes procrastination shows up in a very disguised way.

So how do we overcome this? Well, number one is you must take imperfect action. I like to say go for B minus. So if you've been the person that always likes to go for A plus and 100% imperfect. You must go for B minus. You must unlearn everything you learned in school where we're taught, okay, the higher the grade, the better it is. You actually want to go for B minus. So challenge yourself to take action, to share, to be visible.

Even when you don't feel ready. You must realize you can always refine as you go, but you can't improve what you don't start. I'll say that again. You can always refine as you go, but you can't improve what you don't start. And done is always going to be better than perfect. Progress only happens when you get that real world feedback. So challenge yourself to release something. Maybe it's a post or an offer or an idea. Challenge yourself to go after that thing and learn by doing.

Instead of thinking that you have to learn everything in the beginning. Because really, you can only learn so much until you actually put yourself out there and do the thing. Okay, another way to overcome perfectionism, and I really love this idea, is to give yourself a no matter what deadline. A no matter what deadline. So setting a strict deadline.

that prevents you from endlessly tweaking and adjusting. So for example, this might be relevant to many of you as coaches. You can say, I'm going to launch my program in 30 days, no matter what. I am going to launch it. And if you are getting stuck in perfectionism, you're going to endlessly tweak. There's always things you can adjust and make better. There are always going to be ways you can change it. So if you give yourself a very short and firm deadline.

that's going to cause you to avoid all of this endless tweaking. And that's also going to help you build more confidence because you're actually putting yourself out there and taking action. And then finally, this one's also really big. It's important to redefine what you see and what you define as credibility. So people connect with realness, not perfection. I cannot emphasize this enough. People connect with realness, not perfection.

So your imperfections make you human and they make you relatable. If you make mistakes, it's not going to kill your credibility. It's actually going to build it, especially when you handle any mistakes with grace. So I'm going to give you some questions to address your perfectionism head on and also share with your clients. One, what are you postponing in your life in the name of perfection? Think about that.

What's something that you've been waiting to be perfect before starting or doing or launching? Second, what is the worst thing that could happen if you put something out there before it's ready? What's the worst thing that happens? Somebody judges you. Someone criticizes you. Life goes on, right? There's always going to be people that have judgments of you. That's unavoidable. You might as well show up anyway.

Next, whose standards are you trying to meet? This is really big. Whose standards are you trying to meet? And have you ever questioned if those standards are actually valid? Sometimes we're trying to meet this standard that someone else set for us and we have to take that power back. Also, who decides what perfect even looks like? And does that even make sense? Who's defining what's perfect? So think about how can you practice imperfect action today? What would that really look like?

What if messing up was the only way forward, right? How would you change your approach if that was the only option? The only option was to mess up. So if you had to launch something, post something, share something tomorrow with no more edits. What would that look like? So instead of thinking thoughts like, it's not ready, so I need more time. What if you tried on the thought, done is better than perfect? Or instead of thinking, I need to know everything before I can start.

You realize that imperfect action actually builds your confidence, not overthinking. Real impact comes from you showing up, not polishing endlessly. Or if you think I need to get this just right for me to just take action on it. What if you can share something today and you can evolve?

without perfection being required. This is a really great mindset to have as well when it comes to marketing yourself as a coach, realizing that what you share today can evolve, right? You can evolve. You don't have to be this. perfect version of yourself before you can start sharing your thoughts and ideas with the world and this is something that I had to realize as well I thought oh maybe if I read a few more books then I'll be able to start sharing my ideas with others

There's so many more. There's endless number of books to read. There's endless knowledge to consume. Eventually, you've got to realize I've got to share with what I have now and I can still evolve and learn as I go. And if you think that people only trust perfect experts, remember, people connect with authenticity, not flawlessness. Connection matters more than anything. And I can't tell you.

How many times it's happened where even before I was training coaches, a lot of potential clients would hire me and they would say, the reason I hired you is because just you were you. You allowed yourself to be imperfect. I was able to connect with the real you and that is what attracted me to hire you. This is also the reason that people are going to hire you to be their coach as well. They're going to hire you because of your authenticity, not because you're this.

form of perfectionism. You're trying to present some kind of perfectionism. Okay. You're not going to lose credibility by making a mistake. You can trust yourself to refine as you go rather than waiting to forever, forever to start something.

All right. So let's finish out with one more mask. And this is people pleasing. And I did make a podcast episode at one point where I really talked more about people pleasing. But I'll go over it a little bit in this right now. People pleasing is when you prioritize.

Others' happiness over your own needs. Okay, so people pleasers often struggle with setting boundaries because the biggest fear is that they're going to upset and disappoint others. And they worry that they'll be rejected or abandoned and left behind. So they wear the people-pleasing mask to gain people's approval and avoid conflict and keep connection with others. Now, the breakthrough for ones that have the people-pleasing mask is to claim their self-respect, reclaim it.

And set boundaries. Because if you are wearing the people-pleasing mask, you're probably not having boundaries and you struggle to say no. This causes you to have resentment in your relationships, especially with family. with friends, with colleagues, with significant others. People-pleasers often overgive, so they don't value their own time. And this causes them to be drained emotionally, sometimes also financially as well, overgiving to others. And I think one of the most unfortunate...

disadvantages of the people pleasing is that you lose yourself. You lose your authenticity because you're molding yourself to fit others' expectations, which makes it really hard to know what you really want and what you really need and also what you really believe. OK, so when you're avoiding that, that's what happens. And people pleasing, the people pleasing mask also causes you to avoid hard conversations because you have a fear of conflict. You don't want to rock the boat.

So you're worried maybe you're going to have misalignment or break trust. So you're going to stay in draining situations because you don't want to address the hard conversations. Now, how could hold a coach back? is because you might be afraid to market yourself and sell because you're afraid that other people might think that you are being salesy or you're charging too much or you're being pushy. So you might hesitate to put anything out there because.

you don't want a single person to be uncomfortable with your offer and just by you taking up space. You might even undercharge because you feel guilty charging more. So you might offer endless discounts and might lower your rates. which leaves you being underpaid, yet you're being overworked at the same time. So this is a big one that coaches especially must address. So how do you overcome the people pleasing? Well, one is you need to practice saying no.

without justifying it. You've got to set your boundaries and stick to them. You can say no and not owe an explanation or a reason. A simple, firm no, no thank you is enough. So think about what are your non-negotiables? Like what are your boundaries? What are the things that you need to say no to? Second is to remember that if you disappoint somebody, that is okay.

Not everyone's going to like your boundaries. Letting someone down doesn't mean that you're a bad person. It means that you're being honest. Holding boundaries actually teaches others how to respect you. So it's so essential to do that. And I mentioned earlier when one of the ways to overcome people pleasing is really owning your value as a coach and charging for that.

So people-pleasing behavior is when you undercharge out of guilt. You're pricing based on emotion instead of really pricing based on the value that you know that you offer. OK, so you don't need to adjust your worth to avoid discomfort. The right clients out there are going to respect your pricing. And those who don't were never your people anyway.

So I'm going to leave you with some questions to address the people pleasing mask. One question is, what are you afraid it's going to happen if you do say no? What are you afraid is going to happen? What's a boundary that you wish to set now in your life? What's a boundary that you know you need to set?

If you aren't afraid of disappointing others, what is one thing you do to show up differently if you're no longer afraid of disappointing others? If no one got upset or disappointed, what would you do differently? That's a really interesting question to consider. What parts of you have you silenced to keep the peace? What parts of you have you silenced? What are you saying yes to right now that you know is actually a no inside of you?

And then finally, what would it mean to let someone be disappointed and trust that you'll still be okay? Trust that you'll still be okay. So if you are afraid that if someone says no, they're going to be upset. Saying no to the wrong things makes space for the right things. And if you think that you have to prove your worth through overgiving and being overly available to others, you don't have to prove your value.

You already bring value as you are. You don't have to prove by over giving at the expense of your needs. And if you're worried that you're going to upset or disappoint people, release the need for everyone to like you. There's something very peaceful about releasing the need for everyone to like you and approve of you, especially when you put yourself out there as an entrepreneur and as a coach.

People will have opinions about you. And you could be the most incredible, kind, noble person. And some people will just not like you. And that's okay. Release the need for everyone to like you.

OK, so those are the three masks. Wow. We covered quite a bit in this episode. Remember, these masks are ones that you and your clients have worn to protect you at some point in your life. OK, they were there to protect you when you needed protection, but they are not. meant to lead you, especially when you're going after the life that you want. So whether it's overachieving to feel worthy or perfecting things to feel safe or people pleasing to feel accepted, remember these come at a cost.

And the cost is you and your peace and your authenticity and freedom. So if any part of today's episode resonated with you, let that be a signal. Not to judge yourself for having the mask, but to just get curious with yourself. To ask, what am I hiding? Or what am I chasing? Who might I become if I finally take this mask off? You don't need to do more. You don't need to be more.

And you don't need to prove more to be valuable because you already are. So keep on doing the work on yourself. Remember, you are your first client. And as always, if you've enjoyed this episode, please do leave us a five-star review. I love reading your reviews on the podcast and appreciate those that have left those amazing reviews.

And if you are interested in joining us in Thriving Coach Academy, our newest cohort is starting in just a few days. So head over to thrivingcoachacademy.com. If you're not already in our coach training program, you're going to love it. It will change your life. It will be the best. investment you make in yourself so hop over to our website get yourself enrolled thanks so much for listening to this episode and I will see you in the next one You'll learn our coaches' secrets.

www.thrivingcoachacademy.com I'll see you on the inside.