If you're a woman with low desire, then chances are you're not having the kind of sex that you would want more of. What it is that you actually want your partner to know about you. Compromise is probably the most common relationship advice that is given anywhere.
When you compromise, the way I think of the phenomenon is that you're essentially holding back on, withholding the truth of who you are, your desires, your dreams, your challenges, who you are becoming on the inside to any degree to which that would be uncomfortable for your partner. It's extremely helpful to be really clear why it is that you want to say it because if I can open my heart, it is so much easier for me to open my legs later.
It's like a thermostat and one person's libido is set on high and the other person's libido is set on low and somehow we can't access the thermostat. There's nothing we can do. That's just how it is. Sadness, anger, fear, and happiness. And disappointment is nowhere on the list. The real question is not how to change the thermostat, but how to experience more pleasure. Hey, everybody. Quick break at our episode to talk to you about our sponsor, My Libido Doc.
One of the things that we truly believe is that great sex is available to everyone, but we just have to learn how. So head over to our site to get your free copy of our e book, Five Steps to Mind Blowing Orgasms and Romance. Get the quick and easy tips to turn your sex life around, rev up your engines, and fall in deeper love and passion with yourself and your partner. So if you just go to mysexdoc.com, you will find that e book there for download. Now back to our show. Hi, everybody.
Welcome back to another episode of the Libido Lounge. I'm your host, board certified sexologist, doctor Diane, and I have a really good relationship treat for you today. I have here with me doctor Alexandra Stockwell, and we're gonna talk about all sorts cool things today, but one of the things we're gonna talk about that I think you guys will find shocking is that compromise is not always good.
You know, we're taught so many times in relationships and love of like, meet in the middle, find the compromise, all those kind of things. And one thing that Doctor. Alexandra and I share in our philosophy is that this is actually problematic because what it leads to, at least in my opinion, and we'll ask Doctor. Alexandra in a moment hers, But in my opinion, what it leads to is both individuals getting what they don't want.
And nobody actually in many of these cases really gets their knees, and so everybody can feel this sense of let down, and so much more. So we're gonna get into all that GC stuff and more. So thank you so much for being here with me today. It is my pleasure, and I love how you've launched us. Awesome. Well, let's start with that. You know, I kinda told you in this intro, I kinda launched into, like, my personal problems and the work I do with compromise.
Tell me about what you've seen in all your years of of working in in this world of intimacy. What are the problems with compromise? I definitely will, but I wanna just respond to what you said first and say that I think what you've described is disappointment. When people compromise and neither person really gets what they want, then comes disappointment. And, you know, when we think of the big impactful emotions in our lives and relationships, it's typically sadness, anger, fear, and happiness.
And disappointment is nowhere on the list. We think of disappointment as like a minor emotion. The fact is that it slowly but surely erodes connection in the most detrimental ways and disappointment is really like priming our souls for resentment which leads to disconnection, so I just really wanna emphasize the point that you made. It's serious. A little disappointment is not just a small matter when it happens on a regular basis.
But shifting to my ideas about compromise, I I really agree with what you said. Compromise is probably the most common relationship advice that is given anywhere. The idea being if you want a happy marriage, you have to be good at compromise. That is just false because when compromise is guiding you in your interactions, you are setting yourself up when all goes well for a bland, pleasant companionship.
And, you know, that might be enough for some people, But my devotion is to smart high performing couples who are interested in having a long lasting marriage that is full of emotional intimacy and erotic aliveness and joy and pleasure and self expression and growth together. Compromise is incompatible with creating a relationship that has those qualities, and here's why.
When you compromise, the way I think of the phenomenon is that you're essentially holding back on, withholding the truth of who you are, your desires, your dreams, your challenges, who you are becoming on the inside to any degree to which that would be uncomfortable for your partner. So rather than making your partner uncomfortable and having to navigate that, you compromise, you acquiesce, You tolerate.
You essentially disconnect from important parts of yourself, at least within the marital context. And as human beings, we can't, in our day to day interactions, have these kinds of compromised guided experiences. And then when we get to the bedroom, find some magic switch to flip that allows us to be fully self expressed, present, bringing our whole authentic selves in the way that contributes to a sense of timelessness and erotic expansion. It just doesn't work that way.
So I advocate for what I call uncompromising intimacy.
The name of my book is Uncompromising Intimacy, and that really is a good description of the methodology I use, which is rooted in learning well, really getting to know yourself and learning how to share that with your partner in a way that is not blaming, it's not critical, it's authentically sharing the truth of who you are so you can feel like you're your real self in interactions with your partner and do that in such a way that invites your partner to do the same.
These these can be very vulnerable communications. They can be straightforward. Really, it's about bringing all the flavors of you. It's not that you have to tell your partner everything, but if there's something you can't say, then compromise is at play and it's creating a kind of disconnection that you might think is unimportant and for day to day interactions it might be, But the bedroom, you can't fool the body. You can't fool the erotic energy.
So if you're compromising in your day to day, that tends to infiltrate in terms of the quality of sensual, sexual, erotic connection that's possible. Yeah. It's so well said. And I think probably a lot of people are having these moments. Right? I think one of the things I talk a lot about on this show is what happens inside the bedroom or wherever we are physically intimate with our partner is actually a reflection of outside the bedroom and vice versa. Right?
And what I hear, like, you say that I think is so critical is, hey, like, in all these conversations we have about sex, about intimacy, and all all these things, we talk about, hey, showing up, asking for your needs, asking for your wants, asking for your desires, and if our practice throughout the entire rest of the day has been compromise your needs, compromise your wants, compromise your desires, don't fully share yourself, then how if we're
practicing doing the opposite, how do we actually bring that into the bedroom? Like, It doesn't make sense here. So I know you have a whole book on this, know, in a ginormous process, and what I'm going to ask you is obviously not gonna be able to cover it completely in today's show, but do you have a sense of, like, like, how can we distill this down to help people understand just a little bit of, like, the steps to get started on this? Because I think there is.
There's so much that we do in relationships of like, okay, well, wanna be vulnerable, but I don't wanna upset my person. I wanna be vulnerable and, you know, and and really be authentic and whatever it is, but I don't want to, have them be mad at me or have them be disappointed. So we disappoint ourselves sometimes to prevent our partner from being disappointed. And so it almost feels like this trade off. We're trading one for another.
So how do we begin in what you've seen and what you've written about to to rectify that and start to actually, you know, fully own ourselves as individuals? Well, the first thing is that when I talk about uncompromising intimacy, I don't mean with the word uncompromising that you always get your own way. I'm not talking about being, like, uncompromising, inflexible, rigid. That also does not contribute to connection and relational aliveness just as withholding in the form of compromise doesn't.
When I talk about uncompromising intimacy, I'm really talking about how to share what's real, and then you go from there. Just know both of you knowing it means you're in the realm of uncompromising, and then you can decide together what to do. But in terms of how to actually communicate, which was your question, there are a few things. One is to actually know what you wanna say. And that sounds very obvious, but there are a few things.
One is that when it comes to desire, when it comes to what's alive inside us, if you're not used to expressing it, if you're not used to putting your own attention on it, then that really is the first thing to do completely independent of interacting with your partner. You might journal. You might daydream. You might, I don't know, scroll Instagram and see what inspires you. I'm not really advocating that, but the point is that you need to know what it is that you wanna say.
And it's totally fine if what you wanna say is, I feel dissatisfied. I'm not sure what I want. That's okay too. That's actually a very vulnerable communication. So it's not that you have to figure it all out and then make the communication, but you do need to consider a little bit of what you're gonna say because if you just take the time to think out loud and, you know, more of like a brainstorming or eventing, that's fine.
You might well do that in your relationship, but that's not gonna build the kind of closeness and connection that comes with a vulnerable communication like we're talking about in this context. So that's the first thing is, like, identify what it is that you actually want your partner to know about you. Then the next thing is to say to your partner, I have something vulnerable to share with you. Are you available to hear it? In other words, you might say vulnerable. You might say important.
You might say something unusual to share with you. Whatever it is that feels accurate to you, if you've given some thought to what you wanna convey, then you're gonna know a good adjective to use. But the point is you say what you want to do, and then you ask if he's available to hear it. And this needs to be a real question. This is not just some rhetorical question where if he says anything other than yes right away, that then you get mad. No. It has to be a real question.
And if you're in a committed relationship, then the answer is either, yes. I'm available or no, which is essentially a not yet. And so, ideally, you know, like, sometimes I'll say to my husband, you know, something I really wanna tell you. And he'll say, okay. Well, I've had a long day. I just wanna take a shower and have some dinner, and then I'll be available. And that's totally fine.
Okay. So after you're both opted in to having the conversation, then it's extremely helpful to be really clear why it is that you wanna say it. Because let's say you have something that isn't working for you in the bedroom or maybe you don't feel supported with household tasks or whatever it is. It really doesn't matter. If you just start in with that, the most likely scenario is that your partner is going to shut down or become defensive and angry. Those are just normal human reactions.
There's no commentary on his character. That's just normal. Just a quick break to let you know that 80% of women do not have orgasms from vaginal intercourse alone. So many people are not having the type of sex that is healing, that brings them closer, that brings them more connected, that is full of so much pleasure and passion that it can build bones, reduce stress, help serotonin, bring happiness, lower anxiety, improve sleep, and build a better connection with your partner.
That is what hot and modern monogamy is, is modern monogamy that brings in all of that passion, that desire, that closeness, and that healing, and that's what you can get at the hot and modern monogamy club. So if you're interested in that and I can help you, please go to modernmonogamyclub.com. Now back to our show. So if you begin by saying why it is that you're making this communication, what you hope to achieve from it, and it should be something that's important to both of you.
So for example, it might be, I've been feeling kind of distant, and I want us to be more connected. That's why I wanna tell you this. Or I know you've been wanting to have sex, and I have been declining because I just feel kind of disconnected. I think after I share this with you, we'll both feel closer, and I'll be more ready to say yes again. Or whatever it might be. Like, it doesn't have to be about sex, although that's a if it is, then say so.
But the point is you want, first of all, the opt in, and second of all, that the conversation is gonna take the two of you in a direction you both want to go, then he will listen differently. And then you make your communication sharing whatever your experience is, and it's very, very important if you're gonna have a vulnerable communication that it doesn't include blame.
It it this is not like a setup to make your partner wrong, but it is a setup to really share what's real for you so the two of you can move forward from there. And then the final thing is that whether it's three minutes later or three days later or three weeks later, the vulnerable communication does not include problem solving. It really just includes being present with one another So as you share, you feel seen, heard, and received.
So it's very helpful if you can tell your guy how to win and say, you know, after I tell you, I'd really love a hug or after I tell you, I just wanna sit quietly together or after I tell you, I'm gonna have a few questions and you can see if you have the answer. Like, just be clear because if you give clear instructions, he'll be able to give you what you want. And if you don't, chances are he is not gonna read your mind and know.
So I'll just give an example of how this goes because I've I've given the general instructions. So I'm gonna think about things. I had to go to bed early. I'm I'm making this up. I had to go to bed early last night, and I had to get up really early this morning for a really big project at work. And I asked my husband to clean up the kitchen after dinner, and he said he would. And I got up this morning, and the dishes are the kitchen is not cleaned up.
And, of course, at that point, you know, I have the option of erupting, of just walking back out and doing nothing, of cleaning it up, making a lot of noise so everybody knows how this didn't work for me. There are lot of options there. But instead, what I choose to do, and it's not gonna be that morning because I have my big work project, but in the evening, I'm gonna say to my husband, I have something I really wanna share with you. Are you available to hear it now?
And he's gonna say, let's let's have the conversation after the kids are in bed. And I'm gonna say, okay. No problem. So then it's time for us to get together, and I'm gonna say, I have something I wanna share with you because I know that if I don't, it's gonna fester and be this long, drawn out, unpleasant, disconnecting thing. And so I'm speaking up so that the two of us can feel harmonious and in our groove together.
And then I'm gonna say, when I woke up and and the point I really wanna model here is not blaming. When I woke up in the morning and I saw the kitchen was a mess, my heart just sank because I felt like I'm not important to you. And that was really hard this morning, especially with this big project that I had going. What I didn't model is telling him how to end, like, what to do at the end, but notice that I really shared the impact. There's no manipulation. There's no you shouldn't have.
What the hell were you thinking? There's none of that. It's just the impact is that I felt unimportant to you. Yeah. And that's heartbreaking when that happens. And I just wanted you to know. And, you know, the next time that I have a work project and I ask him to clean up the kitchen, or I don't have a work project and I ask him to just clean up the kitchen, I might say, you know, is there anything you need for this to act to actually happen?
Like and it could be that he was exhausted and fell asleep, and he meant to do it, and he felt terrible before I even said anything. Or he could have totally forgotten about it until I say, like, his experience is his experience.
The point of uncompromising intimacy is for me to open my heart and share my experience both because that is nourishing and contributes to the quality of connection and in the context of this conversation because if I can open my heart, it is so much easier for me to open my legs later.
Yeah. Yeah. It's so, so well said, and I love the, you know, just like the similarities that I've heard in this and similarities in, like, in what I've talked about in my own work even regarding things like, like, the the permission I think huge. And I think even when we're we're asking for permission around, like, doing the process like you're talking about, one, it puts, it's like, it puts power in both people's hands.
Like, where it's like, okay, in this example you gave, he has power to say, okay, yes, this is when I can do this, and then in turn, the the person that's asking for that conversation, right, has power because they are suggesting it. They're bringing it up.
But I know so many people, like just knowing that there is a space for this conversation can really help the nervous system relax versus like, okay, have to have this talk, I have to have this talk, and like the nervous system gets hyped up and we're worried and we don't know how it's gonna go, and we're festering and circular thinking and all the things, and just knowing that, okay, there's a space for this, I'm going to be held, we are going to come, you
know, together for this, then even if like you have to wait, it is, you know, it's sometimes still hard to wait, it's not saying that's like always a cakewalk, but it can really help the nervous system to calm at least somewhat to say, I am going to be heard. My partner is going to hear me, and and there's that space for it.
And I also think the other thing that I really wanna highlight when you said is just that that concept of being successful in these conversations is in many times asking for what's how you want your partner to respond. You know?
Sometimes I think this is where, like, women in particular, like, we all have our tendencies, women and men, And sometimes, I know that a common construct that comes up is women, they're, like, wanting to just almost, like like, vent about their day and their their struggles, and they're not in problem solving mode. And a man, you know, again, these are very big stereotypes.
Of course, this is not true, of course, across the board, but it's just a common thing that come up is, like, the the man in in a hetero relationship then walks in and is like, you have a problem. I can help. I wanna help. And then that's not what the person's looking for in this example. It's like, oh, no. I just wanted I just need to talk to my dad. I can't solve problems. I just need your hug. But how can anybody know that unless we say that's how we want to respond?
So I think there's so much genius in in the way you describe that. I wanna add to that and say that if someone is used to knowing what they want, like you have a lot of self acceptance, self awareness, you self honor in how you orient yourself, then telling your partner how you want him to respond is a very straightforward communication, actually, and you do your selves both a favor, no question.
But what is far more common is you might know not know what you want, or you might think what you want is a hug, and it turns out that's not what you want. Maybe you want him to just restate what he understood so you can be sure that the communication was successful and then a hug or maybe no hug, whatever. But the point is that you don't actually have to have this figured out.
I wanna really emphasize building on what you said about honoring the nervous system and calming it that you can say, I think what I want afterwards is a hug, and I'm not actually sure, so I'll update you when I know. Or you might say, I don't even really know how I want you to respond. I know lots of times when I haven't liked how you've respond, but I'm trying to figure out what works well so I can share you and we can both be happy with it share it with you and we can both be happy with it.
And so let's try this, and I'll let you know if that's a good way to respond when I share something like this. Like, you do not need to have all the answers, but you do need to communicate on your journey of discovering them. Yeah. It's so empowering and just puts I think it puts the couple back into a position where they're, like, both on the same team. Right? It's like we're working together for the same common goal of figuring this out, whatever this is.
And maybe you don't know, but but you're on the same team again versus, like, almost at odds with each other, and it works so well. So in the few minutes we have left today, and then we'll have to continue in part two. Oh. Yeah. Coming soon. Can you tell us a little bit about, like, taking this concept of compromise and putting it to this common thing that we talk about in sexology and and sex therapy, sex coaching, all of it, which is desire mismatch.
And and it's I'm having way more conversations these days on people that are like, I hate the term desire mismatch and I am with them because it really does lead to the focus on this. We create a problem that's not necessarily a problem. Right? And so why is desire and libido mismatch a myth?
Well, I think the whole way our society in general thinks about libido mismatch is like one person's libido it's like a thermostat and one person's libido is set on high and the other person's libido is set on low and somehow we can't access the thermostat, there's nothing we can do, that's just how it is. And so that's basically the fundamental idea and that is so ridiculous because our sexuality, it's not compartmentalized.
It's not like we can pinpoint, oh, well, we just need to take this pill to do this or that. No. Our sexuality is expressive of our wholeness. And if you think of Maslow's hierarchy, you know, where they're the basic needs of shelter and clothing and food, like, we need a lot of different things to be in place in order for sexual ease and relaxation and desire to flow.
So there are so many elements to this and I know you talk about a lot of them, but the main one that I wanna highlight and my audience is definitely both men and women and it's really important for men to hear this and it's also really important for women to hear this and that is that if you have low desire if you're a woman with low desire then chances are you're not having the kind of sex that you would want more of And so it it's not I know you talk so
beautifully about the different causes, the physical cause, the relational cause, and the individual cause, and I think of both the relational causes of libido and the individual causes of libido both determining that the kind of sex that's being had is not it's not making you want more. And so the real question is not how to change the thermostat, but how to experience more pleasure.
And so for a woman with low libido, the first place that I highly recommend starting is putting intention and attention on experiencing more pleasure in your life. Never mind sex, orgasm with your clothes off and involving your genitals. Like, if you have a cup of coffee or tea in the morning, how much do you enjoy the aroma and the flavors?
Like, how much pleasure do you get when you look at the sunrise or the sunset or flowers blossoming, how much pleasure do you get as you cook food with the colors and the textures and the shapes? Like, all of our senses, our eyes, our ears, our mouth, touch, and smell are incredible pathways to pleasure.
And so if you're not having a lot of pleasure, if your libido is low, the first thing to do is dial up the pleasure for your senses in ways that actually have nothing to do with sex except they do because they they lubricate your responsiveness for pleasure in the bedroom which is rooted in sensual experiences.
So the two things that I really wanna emphasize in this conversation are that if you if you have low libido and you're with a man with higher desire, then your job is to experience more pleasure through your senses in your day to day life and then allow that to infuse more pleasure in the bedroom and to get real that if you're not having the kind of sex that you would want more of, that you look forward to, then low desire is a very normal, natural, unproblematic response to that.
It's so well said and such a perfect lead in to part two, you guys. So we have two. You guys will be able to access in the club below. And part two, I'm gonna ask Doctor.
Stockwell about things like how to communicate with your partner around pleasure, and if you're having the type of sex that is, like, not what I sometimes call the right type of sex, where it's, like, just not bringing you pleasure, and just like just like Alexandra's saying, like, where it's, you're not feeling that desire because it's not really doing anything for your pleasure body. And you might still be having orgasms. Like Yeah. That's not the point. It's is it, like, truly nourishing?
Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for that distinction. Think it's a very important distinction.
So, you know, like talking about, like, having the type of sex that is, like, nourishing and pleasure filled to a point that it's gonna actually want you excited for more, and how to have those conversations with a partner when that's not happening, and how to have this, you know, these conversations when the when the ego can get so hurt sometimes around feeling like we're not providing the type of pleasure we want for our partner.
So all of that and more in part two coming up, look for that in the show notes. But before I let you go, I wanna make sure people know how to work with you, how to access your book, and anything else you wanna leave us with today. Okay. Well, thank you. The place to go alexandrastockwell.com. That's my website. From there, there are links to my book, which is on Amazon and Audible, Uncompromising Intimacy.
It's the way to find my podcast, the intimate marriage podcast, and links to all my social media. I'm very active on my email list. I send out all kinds of high value tips and tools and further thoughts like we're having in this conversation. And if you want to, look into any of my programs or working with me privately, all of that is at alexandra stockwell dot com. Perfect. And we will have that in the show notes for everybody for super easy clicks and access.
Please do check out all of doctor Stockwell's books and information. And everybody, this has been such an amazing episode. Thank you so much for being here with me today and listening to this conversation. I hope this really helps you with communication and not compromising yourself, not compromising your relationship for the intentionality of being more intimate, of uncompromising intimacy, like the name of doctor Stockwell's book. So thank you everybody for being here.
Thank you, Alexandra, for another great episode. Thank you. Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge. Please don't keep me a secret. Please share this with your friends. You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.