Welcome to the libido lounge where we focus on all things love, lust, and libido. We believe that fabulous sex is important to health as exercise and good food. So this episode, like I mentioned, is about perfectionism and perfectionism really is related to sexuality in a lot of different ways. But one way is when it comes to performance, to performance anxiety, to wanting to show up and be this sexy, this this person that is delivering a ton of pleasure to a partner.
And another thing I see come up a lot, especially for women, is this like performance thing of needing to make sure you have an orgasm. I see this come up a lot because there's a lot of pressure, right? There can be so much pressure that we feel sometimes from society, from what we believe is supposed to happen.
And oftentimes I've seen, of course, like men get so excited, most men get so excited and so into giving their woman an orgasm because men and the masculine energy oftentimes is an energy of providing. And men are It's a quality of the masculine that I just really love and really honor so much because there's this desire in the masculine energy to really just provide for people that they care about.
And so pleasure and orgasm for a man to provide that to a woman is something that oftentimes makes a man feel really excited to be able to, you know, deliver that and to offer that to his woman. Now the problem from the receiving end of that for the woman oftentimes is this performance anxiety that can come up around, I have to come, I have to come, I have to orgasm, I have to orgasm. And when that happens, there can be a lot of internal pressure that gets put on oneself.
There's this pressure around this perfectionism performance type of scenario where it can lead to a really bad scenario, which is faking it. And I think faking it is basically never really a great idea. I think most women have faked it, and I think it can cause a lot of problems because one of the problems that it causes is we are all humans that are learning, and we learn based upon experience.
So if we do something at work, if we do something for our kids, and our kids are like, Oh, mom, that was so awesome. You did this You picked me up from school five minutes early. I really love to be the first one out of school. I love it. It makes me feel so loved and so cared for. I love you so much, mom.
So if our kid were to say something like that, right, we might then try to prioritize picking them up from school early because we're getting this feedback that what we're doing is providing a huge amount of value to them.
So if we are faking it, then we are giving information that what is, you know, happening is providing a huge amount of pleasure to us, that this is like the thing to do to get us to come And that can what that can do is that can send a really bad message back to a partner that says, hey, keep doing this thing.
And then it might be the wrong thing, and it you know, many times it is to get, you know, to get pleasure and orgasm, but you're gonna get more of it because you delivered the wrong feedback loop. Right? So there can be so much of this this perfectionism, but also this performance anxiety tied up to this.
There can also be, you know, perfectionism and performance around so many different things like how to give a, you know, proper blow job, how to kiss your partner in a certain way, how to try a new sex toy, how to do so many things. There can be so much perfectionism in like wanting to get it right, right? Because you wanna provide, you wanna look and show up and so much of sexuality is also connected to beauty.
So there's so many times it's so easy to think of like, well, if I do things in this certain way, if it looks this way, it'll be sexy and beautiful versus letting that go and just being ravished and just not caring as much about what it looks like and more feeling into the sensation and the feeling of it. Because one of the things I talked about both in episode one and in episode two of this podcast is this concept of presence with sex.
So one of the things that can happen is when our mind is all over the place thinking about, am I doing this perfectly? Do I look perfect? Is this the position that my belly doesn't hang out? Is this the position that my boobs look just right? Like all of these types of things. Right? When we're constantly having our mind concerned about those things, our mind's not focused on the pleasure of the moment. And it's truly when we can get our mind to focus on the pleasure of the moment.
Do we enjoy the moment the best? Do we tune into this thing that my partner's doing is great? This thing is neutral? This other thing doesn't really resonate so much. And the more we can tune into these nuances, right, the more we can tune into these nuances, the more we are able to then say, okay, this is this is what I need as far as helping me get to orgasm or having more pleasure.
The more we can actually feel what's happening in our body, the more we can begin to communicate that back to our partner. And you're interested in how to do that, I'm gonna throw in the show notes a YouTube video I did on how to talk to your husband about sex. So make sure you check that out. That'll be in the show notes.
But beyond that, we really want to make sure that when we're talking about like, prior to even thinking about something like talking to your partner about this, we really want to get you in the moment to enjoy sex and to have the most pleasure possible with sex. And when we're concerned about the perfectionism of how we look and if we're doing it just right and all these different things, we're often in our mind, we're thinking.
And sex can be in the mind, meaning we can use our mind to bring us more into the moment to feel that sex is a present moment activity. Right? We need to feel. We need to be present to what we are feeling in our body in order to experience pleasure. So another component of this is body image because there's a huge link we see in research to sex, to orgasm, to enjoyment with how you feel in your body.
And one thing that I wanna share is I've taken a lot of dance classes, sensual dance classes, some that are various types of styles that are similar to stuff like s factor, pole dancing classes, a lot of different types of dance classes. One of the things that I've really seen across the board in these dance classes is beauty is so connected to presence in one's body.
Meaning, body types in these dance classes where women are very scantily dressed, and in these dance classes, they you know, some women are, you know, itty bitty tiny things. Some women are very large and curvy. There's every shape and size, color, race, on and on and on and on. Right? So so everybody looks different is the point. What determines beauty that, at least, that I see has nothing to do with anything exterior.
It is all about the way that a woman is so in her own pleasure and moving from this extreme place of pleasure, and the woman that like can drop into this, the way they are able to express in their movement is so sexy. And it doesn't matter their shape. It doesn't matter their size. It doesn't matter their look. That beauty is regardless. Right?
So when you're thinking about, you know, body image and sexuality and perfectionism, one of the things that, of course, can take us out of our sexuality and about our sexual experience is, like, concern around, like, oh, I don't want I don't want my partner to see this curve or I don't want my partner to see that angle. Right? So that's another way perfectionism can really get in the way of truly allowing us to experience the depth of sexuality.
What's also interesting is when we are engaged sexually, when we are having a healthy sex life, we've actually seen research that's showing that when we have a good sex life, it improves our body image. And that could make sense. Right? Somebody adoring you and touching you and caressing you can help with that belief of, oh, yeah. You are beautiful. Right?
And so I really encourage and as a recovering perfectionist myself, it's, you know, it's speaking to the choir here, speaking to myself, that it's really important to begin to and to have a practice of being okay if everything is not perfect and trading out presence in the moments of sexuality for perfectionism. Right? So we wanna lose the perfection perfectionism and in turn, trade for presence.
And so the biggest thing I do invite you to with this is to begin, if you're not, you know, if you're not telling yourself you're beautiful every day, start there. Right? Start there. I also encourage you to really consider some sort of movement that is really helping you become inside your body, really helping you feel your body move.
So dance does this, yoga does this, all sorts of, you know, various like sports to do this, but the types of sports that really do this are the types of sports typically where we are connected internally to the micro movements. Right? So those kind of things. Like, all sports, we can we are embodied, but some sports seem to allow for some of that. And another question I had for you is, like, what types of movements make you feel like you're one that you're enjoying? What do you really enjoy?
And what types of things, like, make you, like, help you feel sexy? You know? Is it wearing lingerie under your work clothes? Is it taking a walk but putting a little strut with it? Is it wearing high heels with your jeans? You know? Is it, you know, wearing scrubby stuff but making sure you have lipstick on? Right? I'm just throwing out ideas. You know you. You do you.
But the idea here is to begin to make sure that you're aware of what things help you feel sexy, feel more that you that you're in your your feminine sexy body, and then doing days, you know, activities throughout the day and coming back to the presence, the sexuality, how you feel, and not worrying so much about the perfectionism. So again, I really encourage you to tell yourself that you're beautiful every day.
I don't know who's listening, so I don't know what you look like, but I'm very sure you're very beautiful no matter who you are because I really think there's beauty in all humans. You know, physical beauty exists in all humans.
And the more that we're able to tune into the uniqueness that we have in the way we look and the way we express in the world, the more we can stop comparing ourselves and worried about this perfectionism of maybe my belly's too big, maybe my belly's too small, maybe my triceps hang down, maybe my thighs are flabby, maybe I have big hips, maybe I have tiny feet, maybe I have that funny toe, whatever it is. Right?
The more we can stop losing that when we're in a sexual moment and really tuning in to the presence and to the sensations and to our partner, the more we can see, you know, the more we can have these erratic or these not erratic, these ecstatic orgasms and these amazing experiences that not only provide healing, not only can come back and improve our body image, but can really make us want to come back again and again and again to heal
ourselves and to deeply connect with our partner through our sexuality. So remember to stay classy, feel sexy. I'll see you in the next one. Thank you for listening to the libido lounge. Please don't keep me a secret. Please share this with your friends. You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.