Welcome to the libido lounge. We focus on all things love, lust, and libido. We believe that fabulous sex is important to health as exercise and good food. Why is talking about sex so difficult so much of the time? That's what we're talking about today on the libido lounge. I'm your libido expert, board certified sexologist, doctor Diane, and welcome back to my channel. So it's pretty interesting when I look at studies on conflict, on communication and conflict.
And there's three big threats that come up when couples are trying to solve something. One is a threat to the one individual. The second threat is a threat to your partner, and the third is a threat to the relationship. So what's interesting is that when it comes to conversations and communication around sex, while in other types of communication, the three threats, threat to self, threat to partner, threat to relationship, are all pretty equal.
When it comes to sex and talking about sex, the there's one of these three threats that has a bigger, say, impact and is a bigger threat to than the others. So out of these three, the biggest threat tends to be the threat to self. So that's really interesting. Right? And and perhaps there is some sort of biological of, say, evolutionary reason for this. Perhaps it's due to this primal, say, deep rooted animalistic part of ourselves as humans are in in the animal kingdom.
So perhaps there is this animalistic part of ourselves that really just knows that this particular function is inherent to survival. So if this function if sexuality is not working or we feel like we're made to feel like we're doing something wrong or we're not doing it right, it could perhaps be triggering that very core of our primal survival and procreation practice as as humans. Obviously, sex is way more than just procreation.
Obviously, it's fun and connection and love and oxytocin and resetting and so many other things. But from a primal's perspective, there is this procreation, say, survival of the species' instinct as being an animal.
Regardless, however, in my opinion, this threat to self is a really important finding in research studies because this explains why so many times a conversation with a partner can look something like you bring up something around sexuality, and you try to make a change, and the other person gets offended. They get either anxious. They get avoidant. They get with withdrawn, dismissive, maybe even angry, defensive. Right?
There's all of these emotions that can come up because what's happening, there can be this core threat to who one is and what one is able to provide in the world both for themselves and for their partner and for the relationship. So because of that, the conversations around sex oftentimes need to be handled in many ways with more care than and then other types of conversations.
And, of course, all conversations should be handled with care, but there is a bigger threat sometimes with these types of conversations as we see in studies. So I'm gonna put a couple studies in the resources, information. So if you guys are interested in any of this, you can certainly check this out yourself. So I really feel then that one of the most important things we do is we realize we go into these conversations around sex and if we're communicating with our partner.
And, frankly, to have great sex, you have to generally communicate with your partner. And whether that's great night sex for a small moment in time with somebody or great sex for a lifetime with somebody, no matter what it is, the more we can communicate, the better it tends to be. Because as it turns out, nobody can read our mind.
And it's such a, you know, big and grave mistake to think that a partner, that a lover is just gonna automatically read our mind to know exactly what we want at any point in time. You know, I think so many times movies and TV shows are they almost portray, like, that's what's supposed to happen, but that's not, you know, realistic. So in order to have great sex, we have to have great communication around sex. So how do we do this?
Well, remember going into any of these conversations, we really wanna remember this this potential threat to the self. Because this potential threat to the self means that if I'm bringing a conversation up to my partner and I wanna change something, I wanna request something to be done different, that my partner might get triggered by this threat to oneself. And so we can go into conversations, and we realize that. First of all, just even the knowing can change the approach.
Secondly, the way that these kinda kinda conversations tend to do the best is when we are focusing not on making anybody wrong, not that anybody is doing something wrong. This doesn't mean that you can't, like, ask questions or explain that something is not as enjoyable to you as maybe it it used to be, but going into a conversation more from, like, a curiosity standpoint and then not a blaming standpoint.
Because another thing that I find with sexuality is people's preferences change throughout life. So you might find that at one point in your sexual history, you might have enjoyed one way of kissing, of hugging, of making love. You might have enjoyed toys or anal or something else. And another period in your life, you might not. Right? So it's very normal for these things to change throughout our lives.
And so just even understanding that can really help navigate these conversations as well because it can be confusing, right, if you've maybe been having sex in a certain way for twenty or thirty years, and then you bring to your partner that you don't really wanna do it that way anymore. And it's like, well, have you been spending twenty or thirty years hating it? Right? So we wanna be careful because you can see how in a situation like that, words can get twisted around so easily.
So going into conversations and talking about things like, you know, things that you love, things that are working really well, bringing up even and naming that, you know, you've you just enjoy your sex life and you really feel like your preferences have changed. It's another great approach if you want something to be different. Like, you know, this has been great, and, like, I'm just finding that these things that were working and they've been working for so long.
Like, all of a sudden, they're not as interesting to me anymore. Right? So to have these kind of conversations where you're almost explaining the change and why there's a change and not making it about that other person can be huge. Now we have to talk. Right? To have great sex, we have to talk about things we don't like. But the if we really are protecting the threat to self and we go at the conversation around things we don't like and instead be thinking about, okay.
Well, what are the favorite things that I do like, and how can I have a conversation to get more of these things? Sometimes when we just focus so much on all the things we do like and that we want more of and give suggestions, there just becomes not a lot of space in the sexual activity for those things that you don't like as much anymore. So sometimes they can just fall away on their own.
Other times, we do need to more directly name them, but we wanna name them in a way, again, that is not gonna threaten that other person. You know, I think the same thing comes up when people bring in sex toys, and sex toys have been shown to really help so many couples and help with pelvic pain in women, help with prostate health in men, can help reach orgasm more easily for women. It can help heal tissue.
It can help bring more, say, feeling and sensation to tissue that's gone numb, and they can just add in long term monogamous relationships. Adding in a toy or two or seven or eight can really help to bring a novelty back. Right? But it's common. One of the common things I've heard from people when from especially from women if they're interested in bringing this in.
And most commonly, I've seen it go this way where it's women interested in bringing a toy and then her male partner feels threatened. Of course, you know, that arrangement can look lots of different ways. But one of the things that I think is is concerning that people bring up, right, is, like, is this vibrator going to replace me? Am I not good enough? Is it going to overstimulate you, and now you're never going to be able to just enjoy just me? Right? These are common concerns.
You can see in all those concerns, if we root it back, there's that threat to self of, like, oh my gosh. Am I gonna be replaced? Am I not good enough? Do you not like this enough with me? Right? That's all that threat to self is is comes up. So anytime we bring things up, again, we wanna remember that threat to self is going to be perhaps at the forefront of the conversation.
So, you know, really looking and leaning into things, like like, for people that are trying to bring toys into their partnership and having some sort of resistance, it's good to ask why, you know, where that resistance is. And it's also good to go into these conversations and explain and take this off the table. Like, this is not to replace you. This is not something that we're even saying that we're gonna use all the time.
This is not saying and just, like, you know, kinda quell some of those fears. And I love coming back to research because I find that data is amazing for helping people understand. So understanding that twelve weeks of vibrator use had at three times a week has a five times reduction in pelvic pain in women. Right? That we see numbness come back, like, the feeling I mean, numbness go away. Like, the the feeling come back when we're using vibrators. Right?
So there's, like, these health benefits that we're now seeing with some of these vibrator use. And, also, a lot of times, especially with age, just like for men, it's very, very common with age to go through erectile dysfunction, and there's tons of stuff we can do for that. With women, it's very common to lose sensation and feeling.
And one of the things that can help women the most with maintaining healthy orgasms and maintaining feeling in their vaginas and vulvas and their clitoral structures is to use a vibrator because it can help to send that blood flow. It can help to reengage the nervous system to the tissue, and it can actually then translate into better penile sex with a male partner.
So all of these things, when you understand these things that it's, like, really to enhance, And we're training our partner this and really coming back to, hey. This is not a threat to that self. Right? That the core so the more we can get on the same team with the core desire is to grow closer or to have better sex with your partner, to be more intimate, whatever it is.
And, usually, I find too that once couples, if they are debating about something like vibrator use, once they're over that hump and once a a man in a hetero relationship, once a man is able to see what a vibrator can do to enhance female pleasure that he still gets to provide, right, that he still gets to be part of, that it actually can, take away so much of this fear because the level of enjoyment and the level of orgasm and the level of sensation can go up so much for the woman.
So, again, I just wanted to do this podcast on this topic because I think it the communication is just the most essential thing and really coming back to just making sure that threat to self is not a problem is is, I think, the most important thing in this conversation. So I do also wanna invite you here in just a few days is my four day to better sex jump start. So I'm offering this as my twenty twenty five New Year's gift for everybody totally for free.
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There's tons of prizes we're giving away and bonuses and free entry to some of my courses and paid workshops. So I hope to see you guys there. Again, it's totally for free. Please go down into the show notes here to grab the link and the coupon code to do that. Please do show show up live if you register because we are doing actionable things. One of my core values is efficiency. So in all my teachings, what I'm always working to do is make it actionable in real time.
So we're gonna start to put into place some of the the processes to have better sex and some of the plan around it right during our time together because action is when things get done, action is when things change. So please show up live so you get the most out of it. So, again, that's starting here next week. So please do, sign up right away.
If you are watching this after long after the fact, if you have found this podcast long after the challenge is done, please also, check out some of my freebies and my free resources that I do offer, and I'll put that link in the show notes for you guys as well in case you're catching this later. Alright, everybody. Thanks again for another episode of the lounge. Keep me posted on your communication and how I can support on your communication in the world. And always remember, you are sexy.
You are beautiful. Stay sexy. Stay classy. We'll see you another time. Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge. Please don't keep me a secret. Please share this with your friends. You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me @mylibidodoc.com.