Welcome to the libido lounge where we focus on all things love, lust, and libido. We believe that fabulous sex is important to health as exercise and good food. Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the lounge. We're talking about novelty and, in monogamy, how to keep things hot and spicy and passion in these long term relationships. So novelty is something that we talk about in other episodes. Right? It's linked to that dopamine response.
And when it comes to keeping that passion, remember that we want to make sure we're utilizing the hormones of passion. Dopamine being one of the most important hormones, so creating that space, creating that distance, doing the flirtation, the foreplay, making sure that there's actually time to miss each other. There's actually time to to remember all the things that you really love and care about each other.
And like I talk about scheduling sex, remember that for most women, sex and libido is also related to emotional intimacy.
So in addition to set scheduling sex, it can be valuable to make sure that we are scheduling time every week to talk about whatever on our mind, to clear up things when they're little things because you know that thing that can happen when you're talking to a partner and you're maybe talking about one thing that bothered you, one thing that, you know, that you wanted to talk about, and the next thing you know you're dumping the entire past six months or a year of frustration. Right?
So that can happen. And when that happens, that typically is because all these things have built up over time and haven't been talked about, but all these little things are oftentimes schedule time once a week, once every other week to really talk about what's on our mind. Remember, there's earlier episodes where I talk about things such as an episode twenty five and twenty six of how to handle having these difficult conversations with a partner, how to do that.
So we don't need to repeat recommend going back and listening to those. But what I haven't said yet is making sure that you are setting time aside for these emotional conversations. So it's not building and festering. So if it's like, wow. That thing you said the other day, like, really hit me weird. What did you mean by that? Right? And, like, asking questions like we talk about.
And when we do that, we wanna make sure that we're catching things and clearing the slate and emptying the trash that is in our head so that it's not building up and building up and building up and becoming a volcano of a release. Right?
So it can really, really help to just schedule that emotional intimacy time as well, where even if it's just an hour to clear the air about anything that happened over the past week, I often find that it builds up and definitely would recommend not texting your partner about whatever this kind of stuff is.
Like, this is these kind of conversations are best to have hopefully in person, but if you're traveling or if something is difficult to talk, see each other then at least on the phone because, obviously, so much can be lost in text even with some really good emoji use. So we do wanna consider that, you know, as other important things. So as far as thinking about how to keep things interesting, I we can break it down into categories of people, places, things. Right?
So these are ways to really think about how to mix things up. So let's go through this one at a time. Now most people I work with are long term monogamous couples. So people there are people out there that really do fairly well with doing things like, oh, when we're traveling, when it's time boxed, maybe in that very unique instance, maybe a third partner is brought in. Right? That's for some people, that's not for others.
I find that people that it works well for are people that already have a ability to work through jealousy that have talked about things in, you know, in advance and who are doing things at a very, very where it's very specifically in a box where it's like, hey, We're traveling to Spain. We're gonna do this thing. We meet this person. We don't live in Spain. So that is just a nice, beautiful, hot moment that we get to spice up our relationship with that stays in its box labeled as Spain. Right?
But for many people and most people that I work with, because it really are long term monogamous couples that I work with, for most of them, it really oftentimes is not in the question to do something like bringing in a third in these vacations or something of the like. So another way of sometimes making it interesting is very simple things, wearing a wig. Like, wearing a wig can really change things, role playing. Right?
If you've never tried role playing, role playing can be totally awkward at the first time that you are trying it, but it can also be really hot. So another way of keeping it hot in monogamy is is doing and role playing can be going out and having a cocktail and pretending you're a stranger at the bar. Role playing can be done in the privacy of your own home, your own bedroom. It can be done very elaborately with scenes and wigs and outfits.
It can be done very simply with just an idea and playing a character. So this is where it becomes, like, super useful to have these kind of conversations, and the conversation is like, what are your fantasies? Right? What are the things that you have fantasized about maybe that you've never told me? If you if you could have sex with a famous actress, who would it be? If you could have pick up a stranger in public, like, what type of stranger would it be?
Would it be a, you know, would it be somebody at a conference? Would it be somebody at a sporting event? Would it be a sports star? Would it be, you know, a secretary? I'm I'm saying some of these things that are very, cliche, but it doesn't matter. The point is, like, it's not some of the answers may be cliche, some may be not be, but that's not the point. The point is, what is your partner's fantasy?
And then can you get into the hotness of role playing a scene out or a few scenes out of what that might look like? So that's a very easy way of not bringing another human, of creating this novelty with the new person. Remember, easy ways of creating novelty, think person, place, or thing. And so an easy way of creating the person is to role play. So plus you get to learn about new interesting fantasies of your partner, and it can be really fun and really hot.
And if you bring the if you start this again, like, sometimes it can be awkward. Sometimes it doesn't go, you know, correctly. Somebody, you know, sometimes somebody steps slips. Sometimes somebody falls out of their chair. Like, things happen. So the point is to have fun, to, you know, just almost have that that playful childlike energy, and just be okay with however it turns out. Maybe it's the hottest thing in the world. Maybe it's not.
But regardless, even if you try something and it doesn't work out and you can both go into this with, like, wow. How amazingly cool is it that we are exploring this together. Right? How freaking cool is it that we're exploring this together? The more that you can do that, that opens up this whole world of novelty. Okay. Then we have places. So places are another way to think about novelty and passion and bringing new things in the in the the the the context of your sexual life.
So you can definitely do things like having sex at, you know, in public places, in the woods, when you're on a high, hiking back deep into the woods, you know, airport bathrooms. Right? There's a lot of different ideas you can do publicly, and and those can be very fun. Some people don't like that. Some people think the idea of perhaps doing anything publicly and risking getting caught is is just too scary, and that actually does negative things for their libido and their safety.
So, you know, think about this, but this is another time to ask questions. Right? If you could have sex anywhere in the world, where would it be? You might have an answer that's very difficult to, you essentially, the idea with this is, like, you wanna get the conversation rolling. Okay. Well, realistically, that could be cool, but, for some people, probably not for me, but, realistically, that could be very cool for some people, but that's not practical. It's not gonna happen.
So then follow-up questions are things like, okay. Well, within the context of what we can access sometime over the next month. Right? Where would be the most biggest fantasy of some place that we could have an intimate moment together?
And if, you know, and if you like the idea of being in public, but you're scared of getting caught, maybe, you know, you do something in public at, you know, like, in the woods or in the airport bathroom or wherever, and you just leave your clothes on, and you're just enjoying foreplay. Right? Even that, somebody, you know, somebody opens the door, they're not catching you doing anything that's, like, really a big deal. So that can also be a way of enticing that. Maybe it's just public foreplay.
Right? Public hidden foreplay, you know, hopefully behind closed doors and that sort of thing. But, you know, from that standpoint, beyond there, if places outside of your home doesn't sound don't sound good, what places inside your home have you never never made love in? Like, rooms, closets, chairs. Right? Different types of chairs, different places around your house. Like, have you had sex? Have you had an intimate moment in every single room in your house?
If not, you have a lot of places inside your house. Also, even very simple things like going to hotels. Going to hotels and making love in a hotel can really open up so much. There's just so much new energy. Right? You don't have to leave town. You can just go to whatever your local hotel is, whatever you can afford. You know?
If it's super swanky, if it's not at all, like, whatever works into and and even if you can't afford super swanky, sometimes going to some a little more grungy places for some people, that can light up something libido wise. So, again, this is your your journey. It's like, you know, it's your choose your own adventure. So that's places. So things. So things can be so many different things.
So we talk about sex toys and massagers and and those sorts of things on here, and we've already talked a lot about those. We'll continue to talk about those types of things over the years. So those are examples of things. Things can be different types of loo. Things can be things in your kitchen, ice cubes. Right? What happens if you use an ice cube? What happens if you use a glass dildo and you heat it up in the microwave or you cool it down in the freezer? Right?
Certain sex toys can be heated up or cooled down. So what happens if you do that? How does that feel? You know? How does it feel if you use whipped cream or chocolate sauce? Some people love it. Some people don't. You know? Is that interesting to you? Again, asking a lot of questions. Some people love being tied up. Some people love tying other people up. If you've never done it, like, it's an interesting thing to try. Right?
Some people love the idea of of being whipped, like, with a with a crop. Other people don't. You know? These are all choose your own adventure fantasies. But sometimes we don't know for sure if we like things until we try them. So, you know, you can ask questions like, what is the wildest sexual toy that you can ever imagine bringing in the bedroom? Would it turn you on if we did this? Right? The other thing with things are also, you know, thinking about different positions.
We could maybe put that in things, maybe put that in locations. But different positions, even thinking about things, like, if you've never tried anal sex, maybe you wanna try anal sex. Right? And so and some of those things are very interesting in research. Like, we see that the most common age to start trying anal sex is in the forties. And I think this is probably because people oftentimes have been together for a while. They were looking for something new.
And it's a very different explorative experience to have anal sex versus vaginal sex. Right? It can open up a lot of different new sensations. Right? There's a lot of, like, this deep sense of letting go. There's a lot of relaxing. There's a lot of trust. There's a lot of safety. There's oftentimes a lot of foreplay that goes into this, warming the body up. Right? So there's so many things that go into this that can actually be very, very, very hot, very, very, very sexy.
So we wanna make sure we consider all of these different types of things. Right? Could we do it a different position? Could we try a different loop? Have you ever had a mirror? You know, have you ever had a mirror on your ceiling? Have you ever had a mirror on the wall next to you? Right? All of these different things can add so many different layers. And then, of course, you can combine them. Right? So now we can combine, maybe people and things.
So now all of a sudden you're you're role playing and you are using a new toy. Right? So the more if you think about people, places, and things and how many different diverse role playing scenes or location scenes or different things you can bring in or different positions, and you think about how many different combinations of these sorts of things there are, we could probably come up with a pretty intimate number.
And it's just that so many times in these long term relationships, and it just it's like the human tendency is to become a creature of habit. We do what we know. Oftentimes, we do what is normal and natural. And really the way of of continuing that passion is to find things that are new. And so I would encourage you to think about this and have this people, places, and thing conversation with your partner around, like, what are your fantasies in these categories?
And if you do this well and you do this, you know, sometimes it's a fun date night. Like, get a bottle of wine, have candles. Even if you're, you know, in a situation with a lot of kiddos around, kiddos are in bed. It's, you know, 09:00 at night. Maybe you're tired, but have a glass of wine under candlelit and just have this sexy conversation and get those juices.
And then whenever you decide what your next adventure is gonna be, then the idea is maybe you're starting if it's a role play thing, maybe you're starting to get into character here and there and and, you know, in these tiny moments. Right? Maybe you're talking about it. Maybe you're flirting about it. So it gives this sense even from a flirtation standpoint. It's so often in long term relationships, we stop flirting with the partner.
So how do we begin flirting again when so much time has passed? This is one way. Right? Because when we are finding this novel thing, it brings us together around like, oh, we can talk about that thing that maybe is a little naughty we're gonna do later. Right? So it's it gives material. Right?
It's it's easy in the beginning of relationship to flirt because there's so much new material, but, you know, if you said so many of these flirty things before, it's almost it's so easy in longer term relationships to just, like, feel like maybe you ran out of material. Well, here's new material for you. Person, place, thing. What are the sexy things? Now let's use this to build in that flirting, that builds in that foreplay, that builds in that dopamine, that desire, all of that.
And that's one way of how we get our passion back in these relationships. Of course, it takes two to tango. Right? So, of course, this only works if we have a partner that is, you know, willing to have this person place conversation, you know, with you and create this. But if you do, this is a total win because there's so many places that a sexual relationship and an intimate relationship can go from here. Okay, everybody. I love talking about all this stuff.
It's been really fun to do another episode with you all, and make sure you do let your friends know about all of this information and about this podcast. And I look forward to hearing and seeing you in another episode. Again, I'm doctor Diane reminding you to stay classy, stay sexy, and always be a little badassy. Thank you for listening to the libido lounge. Please don't keep me a secret. Please share this with your friends.
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.