Welcome to the libido lounge where we focus on all things love, lust, and libido. We believe that fabulous sex is important to health as exercise and good food. Hey. Doctor Diana Mueller, your libido dog here. In this episode, we're gonna be talking about sensual communication and how to communicate in the bedroom and outside of the bedroom for your ultimate connection and intimacy goals.
Sensual communication is such a fun topic because it's really teaching us how to get more pleasure, how to give more pleasure, and how to communicate in a way that's gonna bring you and your partner closer together. I often find it is very tricky in the beginning to learn how to communicate about sex and about intimacy because most of us as humans have this great desire to provide for our partner.
And when we are in we are talking about these types of, you know, things about sex, we're essentially in some ways, we're saying, hey. This other this certain area can be improved. And if it's not done well, a partner can take this and they can extrapolate meanings such as they're a bad lover and they're not providing something, And this can feel really bad.
So it's an important topic, and it's a really good practice to communicate well in the bedroom and intimately because it's really a practice for all of life as, you know, as well with your partner. So how to communicate? We're gonna talk about where. We're gonna talk about what. We're gonna talk about when. We're gonna talk about how. So when and where.
So one of the things I wanna make you very aware of is you wanna be very careful about keeping the bedroom if that's the main place that you have sex. You wanna keep the bedroom almost sacred and intimate and where it just you're gonna go in there, and you're gonna remember these good feelings.
If you have like, one of the things I wanna help you avoid, if you if you have a conversation and say it doesn't go super well around intimacy and making requests, then hopefully, you'll avoid it not going well by listening to this. But if it doesn't go well, one of the things you don't wanna have happen is for them to remember the intense conversation that you had when you were laying in bed together.
And now next time you have sex, all of a sudden, there's a flashback of that exact memory, and then there can be performance anxiety and all of those things. So as far as, like, the when and the where, it really is gonna depend upon where you're at in your relationship and your love life and your communication.
So, for example, if you are if you just finished this amazing intimacy session, right, and you're both feeling just so connected and filled up and you're, like, you know, really just wanting to make a couple requests and ask some questions and tweak a couple of things, the bedroom could be a beautiful place to have that conversation.
But if you just got done with a session, with a lovemaking session or an intimacy session that, say, didn't feel as connected and as good, and maybe one person did not have as good of a time. Perhaps they didn't reach orgasm, and another person's feeling bad about that or both, you know, these things that are just, like, maybe awkward and they don't go very well in the bedroom. Right?
So if you have a moment like that or let's say there's, like, performance anxiety and women's not performing or man's not performing, any of that kind of stuff. So if anything like that going on, the bedroom in that moment, not the place to talk about it. So in that scenario, we would say when and where we would say you wanna do it out of the bedroom, and you don't wanna do it right away. Right?
If the intimacy moment was incredible and you have time, then the bedroom could be a very, you know, appropriate place. And right after intimacy could be a very appropriate time when you're feeling all those love juices, but you still the how is still very, very, very important. And sometimes it's good to practice how and the delivery outside of the bedroom.
Again, so if it doesn't go well, you're not having those associations of the sacred sex area as being, like, a trigger, right, in future sexual experiences. So how? The biggest thing is remembering that usually in most relationships that are, you know, generally healthy, there's a desire for both partners to want to please and show up and give and receive, but also give and and know that they're a good lover. Right?
In a sexual, you know, relationship, like, most people wanna feel like they're good lovers. And so we don't wanna hurt somebody's ego in this process that does a zero good. So it's usually helpful to start by asking questions. Questions are a great way to start. And and how you can ask questions in the beginning is saying like, hey.
I've been noticing that there are certain things that I really love about our intimacy experience, and I wanna go I wanna tell you about these because I'm just loving these so much, and I wanna talk about it. I wanna have an open conversation. You know? Can we do that sometime? And ask if now is a good time. Right? So that's, like, from a how perspective. Now you've just got a done with an amazing love making session, right, or amazing intimacy session. It doesn't always have to be sex.
Then you can even, like, shorten that and saying say, like, hey. That was incredible. Do you have time for me to tell you, like, all the things I love? Or, you know, oftentimes, you can just go straight into that. You don't even have to ask in that scenario. But when there's, like, potential tension, anything like that, usually asking if this if this is a good time can really help set the stage. And that, like, gives somebody kind of the warning around, like, oh, we're gonna talk about sex now.
And it lets them know, you know, you know, like, is this a good time? Are they gonna put energy into this? Are they gonna be able to present be present? Are they thinking about work or kids or anything else that's going on in their mind? Right? So we we want to make sure to be, you know, really, really good about, working with our partner in their tendencies and those sorts of things. So that's one. And then once you've asked that question, then, of course, it's like, what do you do next?
How do you really go deeper into getting more information at that point? Right? So what you do next is this. You start by really focusing on the things you love, right, On the things you want more of, which means that the more detail you can have on the things that you love, the better. If you just say, like, oh, yeah. I love when you bite me. Right? I'll just throw that out. I love when you bite me. Alright. Can you see the difference between that?
And I love when you bite my neck and especially when you go down the left side towards my shoulder and use a little tongue with your bites, and I like this the the soft bites I like a little bit more than the hard bites. Right? The more information you can give a partner about what you really like, the more you're gonna get that exact thing. The more specific you are, the more they're going to be able to provide that for you, which guess what that means?
You need to be tuned in more to what you like. And if you're, you know, in the moment of a sexual experience, pay it make sure you're paying attention to, like, woah. That feels so good. What is this person doing? Right? And the same thing applies for what you don't like. So after you go through all of these things, I encourage you to not say, like, and now I wanna tell you about all the things I hate. Right? That's probably not gonna go well.
But, you know, it's usually a safe thing to say something like, you know, I also notice there's other things that, you know, sometimes, we're doing, and they just don't have the same level of impact on me. Can I share some of those things too? So first, we're talking about all the things we'd like and all the things that are just making sex so wonderful. Right? So we're really coming out with first, like, hey. Building it up. These are the things.
And the next thing is, like, now how are the things that we can do to make it even better? Right? And so notice the other thing I did linguistically is that and I noticed some things that we do, not that you do. Right? We say we do. It there's an element of even if there's somebody else that's, like, doing more of, say, whatever it is. Maybe you hate neck biting. Maybe this you know, your lover is neck biting you. When you say we, it creates like, hey. We are choosing to do this.
Even if the person is a giver and receiver, it's still an act of we. And that takes a level of, like, personalization where somebody is, like, doing something wrong. It helps the ego to hear this as like, oh, this is a we thing. You know? There's there's some things that we do that aren't actually turning me on a ton and, again, asking permission. Can I can we talk about those things?
And so you really wanna be, you know, focused on, like, not a lot of blame and just, you know, kinda naming the thing without, you know, personalizing it so much can really help the partner hear you. So it could be like, yeah. I'm just noticing that that neck biting is like it's just not doing much for me. Like, I want to like it or, you know, if that's true for you. Of course, don't say that if that's not true for you.
But, you know, the idea is, like, the specific things, like neck biting, not doing it for me. But notice before you do this, if there's other biting in this example. We're using biting across the board in examples today. And notice that there's other biting, like, maybe your inner thigh. Like, do you like being bitten there? Right? Is there, like, soft little love bites that you love or hard love bites? You know? So you wanna be very specific, and that helps too. You know? It's like, okay.
Well, you know, like, if you're saying, hey. This isn't really doing it for me. Like, is this something that, like, is turning you on? Like, how does it feel when you do that for me? Right? So there's, like, these questions. So it's like, it's not just like this is off the table, but you're also trying to learn, like, oh, wow. Like, well, biting actually, you know, if your partner if you don't like it, but your partner is like, yeah. Biting is, like, really turning me on.
Then maybe there's an exploration around like, well, okay. What happens if we bite in this way or bite in that way or you bite my thigh instead of my neck? So the idea is really setting the stage of, yeah, this isn't turning me on, but I wanna know about it for you. Like, does it turn you on? And so then it becomes this almost cocreative process where it's like, if you learn that okay. In this example, I have, like, biting is not very important to either party, ditch the biting.
But if biting turns out to be important for one party and not the other, this is where the yes, no, maybe, sometimes conversation comes in, and I talk about this in, some of my other episodes, is fine you know, figuring out, like, is it a complete turn off for you? Is it something that, okay, is like a maybe? You know, maybe is I put as, like, I'm not huge about it, but here and there. Maybes and sometimes can sometimes can oftentimes go together. And I'm like, okay.
Maybe it's not a huge turn on for you, but now you know it turns your partner on so much. So now this is something that you can provide for them. Right? And and we know these things about each other too. The other thing it helps is when you're in that moment and say that you're not into biting and your partner is, once you've had these conversations, in that moment, it's a lot easier to sink into okay. Well, maybe this isn't doing anything for you, but, wow. You know?
Then it's like tuning into how much this is turning your partner on and what you're providing for them. And it becomes in that moment about, like, this is an offering. You know, of course, always, always, always, always stay within what feels authentic and true and safe for your own sexuality. Right? That's very, very important, I feel.
And so that's why, you know, the sometimes and maybes are there because they're not the hard no. They're things that, like, are, like, maybe not the turn ons, but they're things that, like, okay. I can do this sometimes and feel good and feel an integrity to provide this for my partner, but it just may not be the thing that is gonna get you off. Right? So the biggest thing to understand with all of this is we help wanna help our partners feel safe.
We wanna help our partners feel like they are not doing anything wrong, and we want to make sure that the way we're always framing things is really with, like, the we and the orientation to I love intimacy. I love sex. I love our connection. I want it to go deeper and to be better. I want to have even more pleasure with you. I wanna have even more connection with you. So I wanna have these conversations and to really both of us, you know, feel like we're being heard.
And the way to do that is to continue to bring things back to, like, the we space. Like, I feel like in partnership, there's actually, you know, three relationships in many ways. There's a relationship that each person has with themselves. Right? There's a relationship we have with each other. Right? But there's also this almost like this we space, and we're really focused on this kind of we space around what is creating between the two individuals when you guys come together.
And that's where focusing on what your own likes are, what the other person's own likes are, what your nevers are, what your maybe sometimes are, and that can really help to have these conversations. Remember, try to make sure no matter how excited you are to have these conversations to respect your partner. If they're like, now is not a good time, if you're sensing that work was stressful, any of these things, you want these conversations to go well.
So it's important to do these at the right time. And always remember to also focus a lot on what is going really well and what you want more of. You do wanna bring those things in that you want to change. Right? That's important for growth. That's important for improvement.
But you wanna also focus on the good because the more a lover feels like they are a good lover, the more they're gonna still be passionate to show up and confident to show up, you know, in their lovemaking skills and the lovemaking sessions. Right? So we want other people to feel passionate. We want them to feel confident. We wanna make sure we're building and edifying our partners.
And we wanna talk in a way that's helping the sexuality and the sex life continue to grow and to evolve and to get deeper. And one of the things that I think is really important is that there's so many things in life that we practice, most things in life. You practice, you practice, you practice, what happens? You get better at it. Right? So sex is very interesting how oftentimes people in long term relationships will say, like, the sex gets worse.
It's very interesting where just about everything else in life we practice, we get better at. So this is why, though, this is why sometimes I mean, there's other reasons, but one of the reasons that we see that there can be this boringness that happens in long term relationships, there is a change in that, like, familiarity. We talked about that in an earlier episode. So there is certainly change in that desire that happens in long term.
But another thing that happens is people don't communicate about this. So we have years of doing things with another person that maybe are not turning them on, and we practice those over and over and over. So what do we practice? We practice doing the things that aren't actually working. So the only way out of this is to communicate and instead practice doing the things that are. I will see you guys on another episode. Go out and practice this.
I hope you will share this episode with your friends. Please do rate and leave me a review as well, and I'll see you in the next one. Thank you for listening to the libido lounge. Please don't keep me a secret. Please share this with your friends. You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.