Welcome to the libido lounge where we focus on all things love, lust, and libido. We believe that fabulous sex is important to health as exercise and good food. Hi, everybody. Welcome back to another episode on the lounge. I'm your host, doctor Diane, your libido expert, and I'm thrilled today to introduce you to a new friend of mine, doctor Ray, who's a life and relationship coach, best selling author.
We're gonna get into some really cool topics today, you guys, talking about trust and relationships and safety and really looking at even different techniques and actionable steps that you can use to get out of that kind of emotional amygdala hijacking scenario that sometimes happens to us as women, as humans in life. And we're gonna talk about all of that and more today. So welcome everybody, and big special welcome to you, doctor Ray. Thank you for spending time with me today.
I am happy to be here. And when you said amygdala, I went, wow. I love the conversations. Yeah. It's it's real important. Right?
So maybe we'll start there because I think it's such an important topic, right, around so many times I find in my work that one of the things that breaks down the libido in relationship and and out of relationship no matter where people are in their relationship journey, one of the things that can break down libido is feeling like feeling unsafe or feeling like they can't trust or just maybe their intuition, maybe somebody's intuition isn't being listened to anymore.
And I I tend to find that this can happen from big trauma events, which is very obvious to people, but also simple little microtraumas, like the the way that somebody says something to us and we get triggered or we take it the wrong way and we hold on to that. So can you, like, just, you know, start our conversation maybe since you grabbed on to the word amygdala? Can you Yes. Well, first off, the the the purpose of amygdala is to assess whether something is threatening or nonthreatening.
And once once it it assess that, it's very quickly that it gives you some type of appraisal, like, such as this can give us pleasure or it it runs. And, therefore, there's this idea that it can hurt us. And so where this could create challenges in our life And I know there might be if men were to hear this hear this, they would go, what what are you talking about this trust? I never hit you before. I don't I only yell if I drop something on my foot. What does that even mean?
But if a couple is living together, and every time she approaches a a particular topic or wants to share her heart and the man reacts, he tries to fix it, he walks out, or he's checked out, then in time, that experience itself can feel like I'm not safe here to be myself. And, therefore, what that leads to is that this person that you might say that you're living with your partner, the wife, in time is that she's in, like, in a way where she doesn't feel safe in her environment.
So if her amygdala is hypervigilant, if it's hypervigilant yes. I know. Logically, it should not be. But if it's hypervigilant, if her want to make love or be sexual would be equivalent to you, say, while she's in a tree and she just escaped a a a tiger, if you were to say, hey, honey. Do you wanna have a back massage? Hey. You know, do you wanna go out for ice cream? It's not gonna happen because she's been in this total stress mode hiding in a tree.
And so the key thing of, like, through meditation, coaching, and other techniques is to calm the nervous system. And the nervous system, of course, will calm down the amygdala so you can experience pleasure and joy again. But not just that, where this usually takes, working with a coach or therapist, if you have unhealed trauma, your amygdala is going off all the time, probably not for the best reasons.
So it would be like where you you were abused as a child, and, anytime you see a strong man or a big man, unconsciously reminds you of your father who used to hit you. Well, imagine meeting a man for the first time who just happens to be big and he's friendly. But because he's just big, your amygdala says, run. Hide. He's unsafe. I'm unsafe. And so we have to heal that.
And that is what that leads to another conversation why people will self sabotage because they're trying to protect themselves or they're afraid of something. So that could be a place to go next. I I wanna make sure to comment that I really appreciate your analogy of the tree example. Right? Because I think it's so easy for us to hear things like, well, how is this related?
Why would something silly like my partner not taking out the trash when I asked them to or my partner not calling, you know, when I'm five when he said he's gonna be five minutes or she said they were gonna be five minutes late for work, and they don't call. And that's upsetting, and that creates this trigger, and that creates unsafety. And and why is that?
So I think your tree example is so important that it's like, it might not be seem logical based upon where we are in our current understanding of, you know, of trauma, but we're still programmed like we're running from that tiger, like we're running from that bear, or like we had that, you know, that bigger trauma example that you gave. So I think that's a really important thing, and and I do like the idea of moving into this self sabotage thing.
So so let's let's break this down because what can happen, right, is that people can get into these these situations where they do this they repeat the same patterns over and over and over again. Right? So I'm curious if, like, that's part of what the self sabotage you're seeing where it's like, okay. I get this trigger from my partner because they said something in a way, and they didn't mean it, but I it really hurt my feelings or it really made me feel unsafe.
And so then I react a certain way to protect myself. Libido shuts down, sex drive, connection, all the things. So is that sort of what you mean by self sabotaging is almost that vicious cycle of response? Yes. Absolutely. It's so most of the time, people think it's a conscious thing. But I when I talk about this self sabotaging, it's definitely an experience that's, say, separate from who you really are. In other words, it's like it's that darker, unhealed part of yourself leading the show.
Okay? And I'll give you a real subtle one where I've seen women run, and that is when the man actually says, I love you. I love you. Because people who were closer to this woman when she was a little girl, they died. People who said they love love her betrayed her.
So imagine she has this unhealed trauma, and it's not like it stops her from working or she's an alcoholic, but that they people call her, like, the runaway bride, you know, when that when, like, they a man is really serious, to, like, be with her. And it's just she's afraid to commit. She's afraid that she can't make her own choices. She's afraid to be hurt again. Therefore, she runs away. She self sabotages. So how does somebody know if they self sabotage?
Because I you know, there can be situations, right, where leaving is the right thing, and maybe there's people that you know, some women I talk to, for example, say things to me like, oh, I'm a bad picker. Right? Like, I keep picking men that are just, like, maybe they're dysfunctional in some sort of way or maybe there's a value system align misalignment or whatever it is. And so I'll hear women say things like, yeah. I just I'm a bad picker. I just always pick bad men or the wrong men.
So where how does somebody begin to know then, okay. Am I self sabotaging me myself? Or is my intuition right? Or am I a bad picker? I need to switch my strategy. How do we break that down? So I'm gonna make a generalization which can trigger a lot of women listening to this, and I'm okay with that. It's not my intentions. But I recognize that more with women, and women here in this might go, oh, but I've experienced that with boyfriends.
So, yes, it happens with men also, and that has taken personal responsibility. Like so for example, I noticed that with a feminine person, whether whether it's a man or woman, if it feels a certain way, that actually might be truth rather than being actually factual. So what I mean by that is if you feel you didn't do something wrong, you might never say I was wrong just because you feel that way. And I understand that. Why this is important to understand, it's this.
So if you meet a guy and your story after each experience is he was a jerk, he was this way, and so forth, and you're talking about all what was wrong with him and not how you participated, not what you learn, and how you grew, then you are not user relationships in the best way they could be to be a reflection of how you can grow. So I don't think women just necessarily choose bad men. I think it's more of this.
Number one, they don't they don't have clear boundaries and honor the red flags that come up on the first date or even the first couple text messages. You know that. You ignore the red flags because you don't trust yourself. There's that. Number two, maybe no one has taught you that there are healthy men and unhealthy men and that there's a healthy way to discern the the difference. But if you've never met a healthy man, you might not know.
That's why you work with a coach to develop, like, a love map of your values and so forth. So be clear with what you want. And then three, law of attraction. I believe that we attract what we are. And if even if it's not exactly like like where we, attracted, say, a narcissist, like, you've you you think, well, I'm a really loving person. You know, I care about others. You know, why is it that I keep attracting narcissists? Well, you might be a vibrational match because you're a people pleaser.
You're the perfect perfect victim for the narcissist to perpetrate. So that's why what I mean by you might be a match or vibrationally, you'll attract that. But, also, if you always put out there, men are jerks, and I'm never gonna find one, well, just like a person who is afraid that they're gonna strike out before they go up there in a hit, if he's saying to him or herself, I'm gonna strike out. I suck. I'm a strike out. More likely, he or she will strike out.
So we create those experiences, and it takes personal responsibility for us to kinda go, yes. I ignored the red flags. Two, I really don't trust myself. Three, I don't even know what a healthy relationship, is. And four, how do I, share my boundaries and my my deal breakers? You know? And and how do I start trusting that, you know, I can walk away from unhealthy relationships, and I can lean into healthy ones. I appreciate all that.
I'm gonna ask a follow-up question, and I just wanna state that I'm sure there's people listening. As you said, I'm sure there's people that are listening that are triggered by this. So stay here because one of the things that that I do wanna ask doctor Ray that I'm gonna ask in a few few moments is more around, like, okay. Well, how do we get ourselves out of this cycle? So stay around for that.
Before we do that, one of my questions for you, doctor Ray, is, like, as I hear you say all these things, right, to me, there's, like, if we're gonna fundamentally boil down everything you said into one thing, I what I hear is it's time to be more personally empowered. And so my question for you is, like because my my previous question was around okay. Well, if somebody is a bad picker, for example, and these things, then how do they know is it self sabotage or I'm just a bad picker?
And what I'm hearing in what you are saying, and I want to know if this is accurate, is that in many ways, it's it's almost like it's not an either or, but it's more around, like, if things are not working out, right, then the fundamental thing is that self empowerment of of flipping that mirror around and looking at ourselves and saying, okay. Why am I stuck in these patterns? Why am I stuck here? Right? Would you say that's true, or am I missing something with what you're saying?
You are accurate. So when I was working on my dissertation, this is when I was single, I felt a little bit insecure because I was writing my dissertation. And it was I had to write it in a, like, a a clinical way in sight, which is not natural to me. And I was stressed. And but I was also single, and I wanted to meet a woman. And it was strange how all three women I met were I was physically attracted to. I kissed each one of them on the first date. So you think that, oh, it went really well.
We had a lot of fun. But then they disappeared, all three of them. What's interesting is that one of them happened to work at Emperor's College in Santa Monica, and she was working as an intern. And I had I remember her saying she was going to school there, but I didn't know which school. Well, I decided to get acupuncture, and they set me up with her. So just imagine that awkwardness, but, also, it was really cool.
Like, of all the people that I got set up with, it's a person I went on a date with. I know some people listen to this and go, oh my god. It would've felt like this guy's a stalker, but just hold on a second here. So she was cool. You know? Like, she was into spirituality. Like, all three women that I went out with that we had the same interest. So they were, like, people who were introspective. Like, you and I, Diane, we could talk about everything, you know, pretty openly.
So, I said, this is funny. She said, yes. I said, I was just curious. Like, I haven't you don't have to answer. You know? Like I said, but what happened? She said, honestly, she said, you were just a rebound person. She said, I, you know, I just broken up my boyfriend, and she said that. And what actually happened, like, a couple days after we went out, like, my cat was attacked by a dog and was almost killed.
And so all my energy went to that, and I just decided to just kind of stay single and work on myself. She only went on one date with me. She didn't owe me a response. It was up to her to make me feel better because it was just one date. You know, I didn't feel necessary gaslighted or anything like that. It was just more like, oh, I saw it as a such a great blessing. You're like, oh my god. Most people never hear what happened.
And so more and often, we just don't know, you know, because we don't talk to that person. But the thing was this, how I took responsibility for this and recognized, like, this was me. It was this. I really didn't wanna get a relationship right now. I was feeling really insecure. I had one foot in, one foot out. All these women were the same way. Uncertainty. I attracted uncertainty. I attracted basically those who were not available. I wasn't available. I was so immersed in my dissertation.
You know what I That's not It sounds a bit. I I love that. And what I also hear in that is this whole concept, right, is that we can turn any story into a story. Right? Because you did find the reason with that one woman, but it would have been so easy to, like, make some story in one's head around, like, okay. Well, none of these people like me because x, y, and z, or I'm not this or all these, like, I'm not enough, whatever the story is.
And I think this, you know, this kind of goes back to this, like, self empowerment thing. Like, in order to have more trust, in order to have more depth of connection, in order to have a better relationship physically, sexually, intimately with our partner and with ourselves. It comes down to releasing ourselves from those stories and the self sabotage and everything we're talking about. So in your experience, where do people start?
Because I think I it's so true, right, when I see people in my community date and and I see this where people can go mad over, oh my gosh. I'm just not good enough, and this person doesn't like me for all these reasons. And it could be as simple as they're just have their own story. They just are getting back into date or whatever their story is. That is actually nothing to do with us, but we create our own self deprecating story out of it. So where do people start?
How do people break this cycle? Well, as you were sharing this right now, you know, what came up for me was just here's a simple example in my book, All It Takes Is One, which is a simple matter of fact read that really breaks down consciousness in a really layman's way to understand, to understand how it shows up psychologically, emotionally, and and how it can run your life. And so there is a it's called the return of love exercise, and you are to answer these questions as quickly as possible.
It's kinda like free association. Love means blah blah blah. My family taught me that love meant blah blah blah. I received love when I blah blah blah. I didn't receive love when I blah blah blah. I needed my parents to love when I I need to be loved when I I wish I had been loved when I so there's these questions, and in response might mean, you might come up with love equals pain to me. My family told me that love has to be earned. I received love when I achieved good grades.
I didn't receive love when I disagreed with my parents. I created my parents' love when I was going to college. So you you start this simple technique is just to recognize, like, oh my god. Maybe I have a shitty idea about love and relationships. I never knew that. Maybe I have a really bad love map. So so self sabotaging, remember what I shared, is an unconscious mechanism within yourself to protect you. It is to avoid few like pain, and it is to move you more towards pleasure.
Just remember that even if it screws things up after the fact, it's just understanding that. And it'll continue to operate that way until you feel good about love. You have a clear relationship with how you wanna show up if you're in a relationship, such as it's it's gotta be beyond the basics, such as I I want a man who is handsome. We have great sex. He listens to me to you know, it it has to be this. I would I would love a man to love my light and dark.
Well, do you love your light and dark also, or you you reject it? I want a man who can really hold space for emotions. How comfortable are you with feedback? Do you get defensive? So you have to become the version of what you expect, and that takes looking at yourself. It's gonna take introspection no matter what. So simple technique like that. That I mean, this is not the cure all. This one exercise, but it's it gives you an example that which I've seen has worked.
You know, you get to the basics. What what does love really mean to me? And do I experience love with or without a partner right now? I love it. Pun intended. And I wanna say that one of the things I say in my work is if you can't name it, you can't change it. And that's, like, what I hear and what you're, you know, you're saying is, like, one of the first simple things is, like, actually understand what is going on. Like, name what is going on, your tendencies, your beliefs, all these things.
And once you actually start breaking them down and say, wow. Like you're saying, if you believe fundamentally on a subconscious level that love is pain, well, there is the initial, you know, problem to change. And then so in your in your book, all it takes is one, which will have links for you guys for all of doctor Ray's works and his book and everything he's, talking about today. We'll have all of that in the show notes.
In your book, do you then talk to people about kinda action steps from there? And and where do you tend to go in your work after, say, they've seen it and they've seen some of those stories and seen what's what's really limiting them from the love they want? Well, there's a different approach with my book and what I do with clients who say are coached with me for maybe eight sessions. I'll talk about those clients who are working with me for just eight eight sessions.
Let's just imagine that they're ready to date or they think they're ready to date, but they come to me and they still haven't healed a heartbreak. They still have issues with how their parents' relationship ended in a bad divorce. So just imagine the first four sessions might be healing a trauma, the person recognizing that that wasn't love, that was more manipulation, whatever came up for them so they're clear. K? The next four sessions, like five, six, and seven, might look like this.
So now that you know what you want, how would you show up and be, and how do you practice that every day, such as I wanna be more open or friendly? Well, then you practice that and use an action by going to the grocery stores. Okay? So it's kinda like what you said. How do this, that. How do you, infuse that so a person becomes that? It's when they start dating or having experiences, they have a coach to talk to where the the client might say, oh my god.
I felt that same feeling I had when I was with my ex husband. Like, wow. That's still there. Yes. Great. So it's not like they're gonna, for sure, end up with a partner, but now they're able to kinda create a a new understanding of themselves of how they show up in relationships so they feel more secure and confident. So that's like a process I might work with with if someone's, like, single and wants to start dating someone.
Now in my book, it actually gets into more peeling, like, the onion apart and where you get into, like, the deep hidden beliefs that are controlling your life. So my my goal is to help people, discover what that hidden belief is and to shift it. So there is reframing in my book so you can start living and being that way. You could be your own mantra. As far as even more examples, that's actually gonna go into, book number two. That's a follow-up to this book.
That's gonna be more now that you're healed, what does that spiritual healthy partnership look like? That's book number two. And you'll see also at the very end of the book, it talks about these qualities of these people. Yeah. I love it. I love it. And I think it says a lot around this this actually starting to become the person that you really want to be around. Okay. Well, if you wanna attract somebody with x y z qualities, then where do you need to be and who do you need to be?
And I and I love it too because I think so many times we get stuck. People get stuck around this, like, mantra or affirmation around, like, okay. I am confident. I am love. I am all these these mantras versus, like, oh, I'm actually going to go to the grocery store like you suggested, and I'm actually going to live my mantra in real time so that in time, we truly start becoming that because we're not just saying it. We're actually practicing it every day. Right? So it's so beautiful.
And and I know we're running out of time here, but before we go, couple of things. One, and and I'm gonna ask you a question about just what we wanna leave people with, so don't go anywhere, everybody. But before we get on to that, what sort of I know you have a free giveaway for everybody that we're gonna put into the the show notes here. It's your relationship road map course guidebook. So can you tell us a little bit about that?
So the rapid relationship rescue master class has videos as cheat, a cheat sheet, but it basically takes you through experience where you break down your belief system about relationships. Very similarly to, like, how we just did in this podcast, but you just you're gonna be in your your home and into where you create the sacred container for yourself so you can kind of peel back, like, those patterns and beliefs that don't serve you.
So that's one thing I offer for free, and that's something I'll give you. And then the other thing, do you wanna mention my book? So it's it's all it takes is one. Right? That book? Yeah. It's yeah. The the full title is all it takes is one. Drop your one big hidden belief and master your life. And I'll give you the link for that also. And, yeah, it's a it's a a lot of, actually, psychologists, therapists, and coaches have bought the book.
Like, we're talking about thousands because including my girlfriend who's a coach, she she keeps giving them to her clients, not because she's trying to support me, but she's she likes it because it's like a really simple manual of, like, hey. This will support you while we're working together. And it looks like it's very accessible. Like, very attainable. You get through the content fairly quickly. You can apply it. You don't get lost in details that aren't important.
It looks like very just accessible to people as far as actionable steps. Well, I love the Amazon reviews. The Amazon reviews. So, I like Joe Dispenza. I know you do do too. But when I saw his reviews, I thought, like, god. I hope it get reviews like that. To be honest, when I became a best seller, that was the most exciting thing for me. It wasn't, like, validation. Like, now I'm worthy. It's more like because when you write something, you really don't know how the public is gonna respond to it.
Yeah. And he responded to this exactly what was it what I intended. That is this is a simple guidebook that really opened me up that I was able to have a a benefit right away to where people are praising the the quick breakthroughs. Perfect. And then if we're gonna leave everybody with one final thing. Right? One final besides the obvious, go get your book, get this you know, get these downloadable guides, and start doing this stuff?
Besides the obvious, one actionable step right now around something that can help with self stopping self sabotage that can help them get back into more connection either with themselves and or their partner. What would what would you break it down to one thing if you had to? Sure. So you I, in a way, maybe didn't completely answer some of your questions about the how do you know what is self sabotage? So I am gonna piggyback off of that.
So I consider anything that isn't like, if you have a negative thought about yourself or a person or situation, that in your body, in that moment, you're gonna probably feel some resistance, maybe anger, maybe pain, and so forth. What would it be like if you were to ask yourself these questions in those moments? Number one, is this true? Number two, who do I be who do I become, or how do I act when I have this thought? Number three, what would I be?
How would I become if I didn't have these thoughts? You probably heard Byron. That's kinda like a little Byron Katie stuff. It's just that. Yep. Just start with that because you're gonna probably say it's not true. You're gonna probably point out a behavior that you don't like. And, of course, if you didn't have that thought, you probably would be maybe getting your nails done. You would be taking a walk. You'd be laughing. You'd be enjoying life.
Yeah. Life is defined by the questions we ask ourselves. Yes. I love it. I love it. I love it. Well, thank you so much for being here. Just as a reminder to everybody listening, this year of 2024, we are doing a promo at the end of the year where if you guy when you guys rate and review and download the episodes, whoever gets the most downloads, the most ratings, the most reviews, we will invite them back at the end of the year for a super duper deep dive to really pick your their brain.
So I would love to have doctor Ray back. So please do download this show, share it with your friends, and thank you again for being here, everybody. Doctor Diane signing off. Always reminding you to stay classy, stay sexy, and always be a little badassy. See you next time. Thank you for listening to the libido lounge. Please don't keep me a secret. Please share this with your friends. You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.