Welcome to the libido lounge. We focus on all things love, lust, and libido. We believe that fabulous sex is important to health as exercise and good food. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode on the LAU's. I'm doctor Diane, your libido doc. And I have a very special introduction and gift for you today. First of all, happy New Year, everybody. For this New Year special, we have girlfriend edition. So I'm gonna do a few of these this year, girlfriend edition of the libido lounge.
And, of course, because of that, I have a couple friends with me. So we are gonna keep this episode super casual. It's gonna feel like you're heading out of the lounge with us, talking to your girlfriends. That's kind of the intention of today. And so to introduce you to two of my besties, I'm gonna let you know a little secret, which is that in my friend group, we have nicknames. And so I'm gonna introduce you to my friends by their nicknames. So here right behind me is Ruby.
Hi. And then right next to her is Sapphire. So we're gonna have this amazing talk. Ruby's been on the show before. We talked about her work with radical embodiment. Sapphire does amazing work with social justice and works in the social justice field, and we are here to just have a conversation about libido. So let's get started, ladies. Okay. So let's talk about healthy libido. Tell me about when your libido has felt really healthy and alive and what it has done for you.
Do you wanna start to sob, or you want me to start to start to sob? Okay. When my libido has felt really healthy. Yeah. But, like, how do you feel? Like, when you notice that your libido is really healthy, like, how Well, it's and you I was saying you both are wearing beautiful tracksuits because, I'm gonna get too much information too, Cornette. It's okay.
Well, a couple of us maybe did a Yoni steam last weekend, and, we kinda casually joked after our our bulb was originally watermelon blush color. And I have to share that because what comes to me is I imagine is, like, thinking of my bulb at this, like, flowering, beautiful, flush, soft area. You know? And so what that feels like though to me is there's a lot of life force, a lot of vibrancy, a lot of vitality, a lot of energy.
But I have a tendency in my system and my body to be really rigid and hold a lot of attention. But when I'm really connected into my libido, that kind of thinking of that kind of flowering, that softness helps my system drop down and not be so rigid to try to hold myself up or get something done. And I just feel more in flow. I'm productive because I'm clear, but it's not coming from, like, a do do do place. Coming more from a connection and a desire like a yeah. So what did he even notice then?
So, like, what you're saying then is when you're in that outer mouth, you know, that's right. That that's what I'm saying. Oh, and the softness. But yeah. Right? So when you're in the softness of that, it's like it it's feeling like you're connected more deeply to your libido. So what's happening then if you're feeling rigid? Like, do you can you access your libido if you're feeling rigid? Great question. Yes. I personally can most of the time, I can access my libido. So how would I look?
What is maybe the pathway? Is that kind of what you're asking? Yeah. So so let's say you've had a hard day. Let's say, like, you've had a day, you worked with a lot of clients, and you're exhausted. Let's say somebody is road raging you on the way home from your clinic day. You have to say, hi. Thanks. And you're you get home, and you see your partner. And all of a sudden, you're like, wow. Like, your partner was maybe hitting on you, and you're like, okay.
I'm feeling like, do you ever have moments where you're feeling like, I can't access that right now? Usually, especially if it's after a full day with clients, I need a little, like, fifteen minute window when I come home to just go and, like, do my thing, which would first be, like, unload all my stuff. You know, do my whatever sorting because just how my brain tracks and works.
Like, if I can just have that taken care of, it helps me relax, and then I probably wanna go shower or go I often will flash myself with rose water, just some sort of cleansing something ritual, change my clothes, then I can shift in. So it doesn't usually need, like, a long window, but usually I do need a little bit of time if I've had a really long day of working in a special building space to clients that, to shift out of that. And yeah.
Which would usually just be honestly managing things, bringing my stuff in, storing laundry. Right? Like, very householdy. Yeah. But then would be tending to me of changing my clothes. Maybe I put my oil on. My rose definitely always always. That spiritual. Yeah. I know that. Ruby's fabulous. Whenever we go to concerts and shows, she always has her rose water with us, and it is just delightful to camp and be sprayed with rose water. I can't even tell you how much that opens up.
So and now we know it could signal our media exactly. Each time you come to me, oh, and you're rose water, I might just invite a little, like, touching in with my, you know, knee, my vulva. Mhmm. Mhmm. Well, that's So that's the trigger. Right? Because we can use those tactile triggers to kinda restinulate that feeling that we want. So how about you? Like, what do you notice, Sapphire, from a standpoint of, like, brakes, accelerators?
Like, what kinds of things are really the types of things that are really revving your libido up versus, like like, put it putting it to a halt? Yeah. Yeah. So with brakes and accelerators, I would say, something that really helps me feel like the flow fluidity rhythm of my libido and my arousal is when I feel in deep connection with my partner, when I feel seen and heard because I've been able to just share about how I am, what's on my mind.
Maybe if there was, like, a worry or a concern that's come up during my day and I wanna just be heard in that, I noticed that that's a place where my body starts to really relax once I've been able to just be met there. And that is a real accelerator moving into more desire, more, connection, more pleasure. A break for me on the other hand is when that doesn't happen. So for example, I've had the experience of going out, being excited for a a date, a hot date night, going out to dinner.
And as soon as I saw my man, I was like, ugh, he looks so good. I feel so good. This is a great night. We're at this great restaurant. And it just so happened that he was coming off a long drive with lots of traffic, and he had been managing a lot that day with technology and things, like, not working out. And so he arrived really distracted Yeah. And just in a different place. Not wrong, not bad, just coming in with a different energy.
And so I noticed in my system that my, like, like, opening to him kind of starts dropping a bit because our energy is not quite in the right place where I'm not feeling that sense of being seen and heard and met. Yeah. And of course, we can find our way there, but it is something that's important for me to move more into that desire. Yeah. Yeah. You're making me think of, like, one of the things I talk about is this concept of desire mismatch.
And oftentimes, I talk about it in the terms of, like, oh, it's more kind of like a a chronic problem for people, right, where it's like one person is way more turned on than the other. But what you're making me realize is I need to start thinking about this even, like, short term and talk about it more from a short term standpoint. Because in that moment, I would call that just, like, a short term desire mismatch, right, where it's like, how do you manage?
Wow. You are, like, in the pleasure and all the expectations that go with, like, oh, we're gonna have this perfect night. And then he's having his own experience, which is not wrong. It's just his own experience at this day and where he's at, and then you miss each other. Yeah. So how did it go? How did you how did you conquer this particular one? Well, the that that time that I'm thinking of, I I just kind of sent I I kind of came back into myself and and noticed what was a lie for me.
And we spent the night kind of having, like, one of my teachers calls it parallel play. Like, we are connected together, like, giving each other some space. Yeah. Because in my mind, and and checking in with him, he he just needed like, when we got home from our dinner, he actually said, like, could we just sit and meditate a little bit, like, so that I can kind of ground? And so that's where the night went that particular evening. And I also was secretly glad because I was super tired.
And I was like, okay. Well, let's let's go to sleep because there's always the morning for my desire. Like, oh, so, yeah, that night, it it just kind of shifted the way the night unfolded. Mhmm. And and that also felt fine. You know? I I felt like I one of the other things I was gonna share, was just around this practice that I learned from Jamie Thompson who's been on your podcast around noticing an approval and just noticing what's coming up in me.
And instead of creating a story around it, like, for example, oh, you know, he's distracted. It must be because I did something wrong where I don't look right or some you know, and then spinning out on the story and all of a sudden there's this space between us and I'm totally in this other place of being hard on myself, self criticizing. That is a real killer. You have libido for me that can actually spill over. You know, I could go to sleep and wake up and be in that same place.
So I really try to practice this noticing and approval of like, oh, okay. What's going on? Oh, that's okay. You know? Oh, oh, we're in different places. That's also okay. You know? And if I need something different, then I can reach out and talk about what I eat. Mhmm. Yeah. People also Have you noticed that for myself? Relate to that. Yeah. I can relate to that.
I mean, even what comes to mind is a really small example of being with someone and, the dance of this was, like, in a new relationship. And was I staying the night? Was I not staying the night? We both had very, very early mornings the next day too, and it wasn't quite set. And so, originally, I didn't wanna stay the night. But then once we were together and it was cold, I was like, oh, I wanna stay. I thought I did.
Anyway, because I was it's so in my desire, and someone just wanted to cuddle and be together and not hold. And and, he wasn't just flat out saying stay. He was he was being like, what what do you want? And I was just being a little like, I wanna stay if you don't want me. I was doing that dance, but I noticed it was, like, so good. I was feeling so connected to him. And what I noticed is my head wanted to go into story.
I was able to pause it, but, like, like, I was so felt so connected, so in desire and arousal. And then my head went into this, oh, he doesn't want me to stay. I'm making so thick. And it totally took me out of my body and took me out even though I'm literally, like, laying on top of him. Right? It was so interesting to just watch. Mhmm. It was able to slow it down. I was also a little, like, premenstrual, so I had some hormones. You know?
That for me does make me more a little tendency to not only be more sensitive, but a little maybe quicker to have the potential of going into spiraling into story. But, you know, was able to, you know, took some breaths and then even checked in with myself, which for me, I then needed to go to the bathroom. And that just is helpful for me to not be submerged and come into, okay. Where am I at? What am I feeling? What do I need? Actually, I need to go sleep alone. Am I gonna look at better rest?
Mhmm. Because I'm at 5AM. But there was you know, I won't go to the other story of what I, you know, was coming up for me, but it was interesting. It did take me. Yeah. So I think that watching that story and not going into I love that languaging of go to see say, an approval. It's a great way to just language it and frame it.
And this was a little, I think, similar, but a little different because I, wasn't so much, you know, having an experience that I was rejecting, but it was more of I thought I wanted him to want me to I just needed him to say that it was some other insecure, younger part of me coming out. Yeah. You know? It can be slight. So It can be. But it was such a for me, great thing. I was like, oh. Oh? Yeah. Yeah. No. Similar stuff too.
Like, I mean, my current partner, he is the most affirmative partner that I ever had as far as words of affection and saying sweet things. And, you know, I personally feel that it I do have a responsibility myself to, like, self affirm as well. Right? But it shouldn't always be on, you know, just my partner. But having, like, self affirming for any of the insecurities that come up as well as then having a partner who isn't afraid to tell me over and over and over again.
Like, it's never, you know, it's never too much to say I'm beautiful, and he sees all the sweet things about me and all of that. I have found that that level of affirming has been so helpful for adopting to me into my sensual body as not popping out of my body like Yeah. Like you ladies are talking about. Yeah. So I know we talked about offline a few things about, like, hard breaks.
Are there any other hard breaks besides that's that have puts the big stalker for you guys on, you know, on intimacy? Well, it came when we were talking. Yes. I'm very sensual. So since it's so important, smell, taste, environment, texture. So if something is off, like breath, that is a good one. That can, take me out of my experience for sure. And until we tend to that thing or, you know, some things like scratchy.
Although now in this one moment, well, I can't, like, drop into that, like, leg up. But most of the But scratching it back. Yeah. Yeah. Right? But so most I will say if there's there's something in the environment that is not pleasing to to me and into my system, that can take me out of my arousal experience for sure. So what I'm curious about that is let's say you're in that moment where you've, like, popped out of your arousal experience. How do you manage that?
Do you say, oh, you sent my partner to or should I be She said, yeah. Good. Or or if I'm just, like, desiring a little more sensual play and touch and feel, maybe I bring in some oils with some really nice, like, essential oil blend in with them, so some really beautiful smells that for me are really central and turn me on. Mhmm. And and maybe I ask, can we just do five or ten minutes of massage? Only that.
Yeah. If I'm feeling a little you know, that can really then help me have a way more pleasurable experience.
Mhmm. What I love about that too is I think it's one of the things that I think is such a turn on for women as well as for men is take what you want and actually being able to drop into that point of naming it and saying it in a way that's clear with kindness, but also I mean, how many of us, like, have walked around for years, like, especially in earlier years, like but I know many people for many years doing things that are, like, not the things that
please your partner, you know, all of those kind of things. And you're just, like, naming that and getting that out of the way by saying, like, oh, I know what my pleasure body wants, and I'm gonna stand for my pleasure body and communicate with my pleasure body. And, yeah, that's a really good recipe. Yumminess. I like to yeah. Good recipe for yummy. Yes. Just get some essential oils, like, recipe full of those so you get to brush your teeth.
Don't need to brush your teeth, and then do ten minutes of oil massage. Well, ladies, thank you so much for joining me on this episode of the Girlfriend Edition. And, everybody, we will have another girlfriend edition coming up. So please do like this channel. Please do share this. Please go back and listen to Emily's previous episode, and we'll put, you know, links to all that and to her practice and her work with women and with humans on radical embodiments. And that's really it for now.
Oh, and don't forget. Yes. The quiz of thank you. Great. Yeah. Great resource through doctor d over here. Really. So one of the other things we'll put in the show notes for you guys, we're talking about things like Sapphire was talking about around her emotional body and really needing to drop into those emotions in order to actually experience turn on or when we're talking about Ruby and Ruby talking about more of that sensual body and that being an important part for turn on.
You can go and take my quiz to learn what sex type you are, and the sex types are basically archetypes that help you guide you to your unique style of what's most important to you when it comes to your libido and your turn ons. And they're super fun to do with your partner because oftentimes what happens like, we talked today about desire, miss, and that's, like, oftentimes what happens is we have an emotive with a sensei. You know?
We have these two different types of sexual ex you know, people that are prioritizing different things. And when we know that about our partner, we can show up for them so much more. So and, also, also wanna let you guys know that we're gonna be letting you guys know all month this month that February, we are launching a four day better sex challenge, and I'm giving this to you for free. So it's four days. You're gonna learn how to have better sex. How do we conceive? Just a bit. What?
How to Yeah. You know, petition? What What yourself? No. I mean, you could do that if you want, but that's not what the challenge is about. So so please yeah. So it's, like, gonna be a jump start your libido over four days. Please do sign up. I'm offering that for you guys for free. I said I want the truth. You might you might be competing against this one, but it's not really a challenge. Alright, everybody. It's been a pleasure to have you for this particular girlfriend edition.
Thank you for being here. We'll see you in another one. Remember, always stay classy, always stay sexy, always be a little badassy. See you next time. Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge. Please don't keep me a secret. Please share this with your friends. You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.