Welcome to the libido lounge where we focus on all things love, lust, and libido. We believe that fabulous sex is important to health as exercise and good food. Everybody welcome back to another episode of The Lounge. We're talking about creating safe spaces today, how to have conversations around connecting, how to have conversations around intimacy and more. And I wanna open with a, what I think is an obvious question, but perhaps it is, perhaps it's not.
So I'm wondering for everybody that's listening, I'm wondering how many people have had scenarios where they are fighting with a spouse or a partner and all of a sudden you feel no sex drive at all. Like, everything is basically shut off down there. And then you make up, you have a great conversation, and then makeup sex is amazing. It's like off the charts. Like, wow. Why has it not been this way in so long? So what's happening there? Right? So there's a few different things.
I mean, one, that that connection and that that gap. When we go through this gap and we're feeling the sense of distance and we're feeling the sense of, wow, I don't really like that person right now, you know, there's that sense of, like, I need space from that person. I don't like them right now. I don't like how they treated me. I don't like what they said to me. Whatever is underneath that fight. Right?
When that happens, one thing that's actually happening is we're creating a sense of distance and separation. And what we see in the concept of pleasure and dopamine, the hormone that drives pleasure, is when there's that distance, there's also that longing. There's that dopamine need for that person, right? And that dopamine need increases and increases and increases until we have that conversation.
And then all of a sudden we have this buildup that's been happening subconsciously and now that buildup can be fulfilled. Right? So that's one component of this. Plus, especially for women, we are very empathetic. Most of the time, we have very good connection to to our emotional body. And when there is this distance, right, it's so easy to just feel this sense of, wow, I am not interested in sex because of how I feel emotionally.
So once that's been healed, of course, then sex is much more easily on the table. So how do we begin conversations? How do we begin to have conversations about whatever's doing, you know, whatever's happening? How do we have conversations about hard things? Maybe there was something that happened in the bedroom last night that you did not like at all. Maybe you've been letting your partner go down on you for years and you realize you don't like how it, it feels.
Maybe you've been doing the same position for years and faking orgasm. Right? And what's really happening is you don't actually like that position and it does nothing for you and it actually turns you off. Right? So how do we begin to have these really intense conversations sometimes around sex, sometimes around something else that has created the safety gap. Right?
Because if there's something that you're upset about or you didn't feel heard about or you felt invalidated over, it's really easy to feel that push away from intimacy. So we wanna create safe spaces, and I talk about this a lot in my work, the concept of not having these conversations in bed, of not having conversations when people are stressed, when they've had a long day of work. All of that is very, very true.
And beyond that, we wanna make sure that we are not asking too many questions and we're not bringing too many things up at once. So what we wanna be careful about is let's say, let's say you've been faking an orgasm. Right? Let's say you've been faking an orgasm, especially in this one position for years. And, unfortunately, your partner this is why I don't like faking orgasms and why I don't recommend it is because it sends the message that, hey, that was an awesome position.
So let's say you've been faking it for years and this, you know, maybe a lot of times or maybe in this one particular position, but your partner keeps going back to that. Right? When we're having these kind of conversations, we wanna be very cautious to basically say like, hey, I wanna talk about this position and I wanna talk to you about how I'm feeling about this. Is this a good time? You know, asking, asking permission.
And then we wanna make sure, you know, we can start oftentimes by asking questions around like, seems like we do this position a lot. What does this position do for you? Sometimes in these kind of situations, you might even find that they don't even like that position. It doesn't do anything for them, and they're doing it completely for you. And you can just say, like, I'm actually not enjoying that position very much, you know, so can we switch? Right? So sometimes it's super easy.
Sometimes by asking questions, you can determine, like, oh, this is something they really love, and maybe they love that position. And you might, you know, you might still go there sometimes, but then, you know, educate them on actually there's other positions that that are better, for example. But what I'm saying and the point of this conversation here with this example is not to bring up too many, you know, things at once.
So we don't wanna go into that conversation where it's like, okay, maybe you've been, this example, faking it for years, which is probably gonna be a little bit of a blow to the ego because here a partner feels and has been thinking that they've been delivering all of this pleasure and providing all of this pleasure, and to know that you've been faking it, right? It can sometimes not feel very good.
So you wanna be very careful to oftentimes, even though it can feel sometimes like so many things have built up that you wanna say and, you know, this area could be improved or that area could be improved, oftentimes, it's really good to start just one thing at a time and just have that as a plan. Now sometimes I've seen situations where you're in there with partners and you're having these conversations and it's just going so well.
And sometimes it's just better to get it out, but usually it's like asking questions. Usually you're gonna sense like, oh, they're taking this really well. They're not getting their ego bruised. They're actually maybe even saying like, what else? Right? Or you could ask them, like, hey. I just I would love to talk about more ways that we could improve our love life, improve our passion, improve our sex, and be more connected. Do you feel like, right now is a good time to tell you more?
Do you feel like I already delivered enough information and you just want to process that? Right? So these are, you know, really, really great things. Now, if you do bring up something in this example of having had faked orgasm for a long time, you do bring up something like that that might be damaging to the ego, it's really good to also bring up things that you really like.
You know, bring up things that you really love about your sex, about your passion, about the other person, about the flirting, the foreplay, anything like that, and really help to, you know, to to show that you genuinely love, you know, a love, you know, the, the play with them. Another thing to consider is to explain why. Right? So why do you fake it? Oftentimes as women, the reason why women, I find, typically fake it is a few different things.
One, it's the end of the day and you're tired and you just wanna go to sleep. Right? So that's an easy solution. Schedule sex. Have it earlier in the day. Bring up like, hey, I'm just so tired that I can't even, like, think about pleasure. I just wanna be done with this and go to bed. That's so if you're faking orgasm for that reason, it's a very easy fix. So we wanna get at, you know, underneath the why. And sometimes it can even help to explain, like, look, I don't mean to fake it.
I'm just so tired. Can we please do this at a different time of night or a different time of day to make it easier. Right? So that's a really common way. Sometimes it's just not into it and just wanting it to be over, so that can be another one. Another one is it's just going on a long time, and also you're ready to be you know, for it to be over. Maybe you're very into it, though, but it's just been going on a while and you're like, okay. Time to wrap it up. Right?
Gotta get on to the next job duty. So from that standpoint, there's a lot we can say as far as maybe that's the wrong type of sex as far as whatever you're doing, if it's taking a long time to reach orgasm. Women take a long time. You know, twenty to forty minutes, sometimes longer on average. So it's very, very normal for orgasms to take a long time as a woman.
But this is why I talk a lot about vibrator use and self pleasure and, you know, bringing this stuff into the bedroom as well because it can help with that. Another thing that you really want to consider when you're having these types of conscious conversations and these connected conversations are to use feeling words. And I get this out of nonviolent communication for anybody that's ever studied that. So if you want more on this topic, definitely look up NBC or nonviolent communication.
So but this particular concept is based upon the fact that a lot of times we don't use feeling words in these these arguments. So it's, you know, it's Like a lot of people will say, like, It feels like you don't care about me. Right? Well, the feeling, like not somebody not cared, you know, like that person not caring you about you, that is not actually the feeling. The feeling is I'm not The feeling is that I'm not cared for. I don't feel cared for. Right? That's the feeling.
The feeling is like I feel sad. I feel hurt. I feel rejected. I feel lonely. And so the idea is and you can look this up online, what are feeling words. But when we use feeling words, what it does is it separates and it doesn't make the other person the victim. And when we're not doing the blame game, it oftentimes goes very a lot farther in these types of of conversations. It's not to say that everybody doesn't have their role. Right? People still have their role.
But you might feel not cared for because of them not thanking you for lunch. Right? Does that mean that they don't care for you? No. But if it's if we come across and we say, It feels like you don't care about me, then it can really put somebody into the defensive to be like, Well, how can you feel like that? Like, I do so many things for you. And so all of a sudden, we've created this defensiveness thing. Right? It feels like you're not interested in my pleasure.
It feels like all these different things. Those are not feeling words. The feeling is I feel sad and I feel disconnected. I feel rejected and I feel lonely. And I wanna talk about why. And then when we talk about why and it's like, you know, we can say things like, well, I'm trying to understand what happened when this XYZ thing happened, and the only conclusion I could come to is that you don't love me. So is that true, that you don't love me?
Right, we can start to ask questions, but again, the feeling the only thing we're putting on that other person is the question. We're actually owning the feeling of, like, I feel sad, and it might be that other person owes you apology. Right? This doesn't, like, get everybody out of jail free. This isn't, like, you know, lack of responsibility.
But what it is is it's realizing that any situation, anything that's said, anything that happens in the bedroom, outside of the bedroom, inner conversationally, and otherwise, there's always two different lenses that it's filtered through. There's a concept of absolute truth and relative truth.
So relative truth is essentially somebody comes in the room, you and I are sitting here, that person says something to us, what you filter it through as what you heard versus what I filter it through as what I heard, those are relative truths. Right? Those are oftentimes the filter of, like, oh, they said this, so it means this. So I interpret this, so I respond this way. Right?
And that's gonna be based upon how we interpret the information, but also due to the way we use language, the way we use tone, our upbringing, and tons of things. Very easy example of this is the game telephone, right, where you, like, say something to one person and they say it to a next and next and next. Well, we're all filtering that to the relative truth, what we heard, and you're supposed to keep the message the same. But for anybody who's played this game, the message is never the same.
Right? And so it just gets the story just a little bit, a little bit, a little bit, a little bit, a little bit, a little bit, and more and more and more and more. Right? So then the absolute truth would be, in this example, would be that person that, say, if we recorded so somebody came in and they said something to you and I and we recorded what that person said and we went back and listened to that recording.
Well, that would be the absolute truth, but still it's gonna be even in a recording, it's gonna be filtered by my lens and my consciousness versus yours. So that's why it's really important that when we're having these tough conversations about sexuality or about anything that has created this rift, this interconnected rift that has led to a certain level of not being connected for sex and for for bedroom time.
That when we're going about this, the real advantage and the why I really appreciate nonviolent communication for this is to really break down to say, oh, we take responsibility. We're actually naming I feel, using feeling words, sad, angry, like, all of those things. Okay. Then let's ask why. Well, why is because I'm interpreting through my lens something that you said.
And what I have found is that when we say to a partner, to a loved one, like, well, I'm interpreting that what you said because you did this earlier, I'm interpreting it as it doesn't mean you love me. That's very, very different than saying I feel like you don't love me. Right? And and it's different because all of a sudden, we're we're showing that person, we're giving that gap, right, around, like, well, maybe you meant that, maybe you didn't.
And so that gap allows space for clarity, right, and for clarity of communication around like, oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. I did not mean to do that. Right? I did not mean it that way. I was really busy. This is what I meant by that scenario. Right? So oftentimes, it's just this this We just miss each other. We're like two ships, and we just miss each other. And that brings me to kind of the final point that I wanna make in this today's episode, which is the power of I'm sorry.
And one of the things that I really see in these relationship dynamics where this there's this rift and this split where people are not communicating well, they're not communicating well inside the bedroom, is the is not saying sorry well. So, you know, some an example of not saying sorry well would be, I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm sorry you're suffering. I'm sorry for my pardon.
Anytime we're not actually naming specifically what we're sorry for, You know, I'm sorry for the impact I had on you. Like, none of these are very specific. It's very, very different than saying, wow. I had no idea rushing through my lunch and making that comment at you would have that level of impact. I'm so sorry I said that. I'm so sorry for the impact it had. I'm so sorry for how my words made you feel. I really, really did not mean that.
What I meant is so that's you know, we can still say I'm sorry for the impact, but but we're what we're saying is I'm sorry for the action. I'm sorry for the words. I'm sorry for that choice. Right? And that has a very, very, very different impact than I'm sorry you're suffering or I'm sorry for my pardon. And that's just not a sorry that really is a level of ownership.
And so when we're in this makeup and what I see when people really do a good job with making up around any conversations they've had in order to bring them back together, in order to get the sex life back on, in order to help with the empathy, in order to help with that love and connection really is part of it is being able to truly own exactly what you're sorry for. Goes a long way.
The power of a good I'm sorry when it's used, I think, like, we can obviously overuse I'm sorry and say I'm sorry all the time when there's really nothing to be sorry for. But when it's used properly and used very specifically, it can be very powerful for healing wounds. So I hope this was helpful. I really appreciate all of you joining me for another episode of the lounge. Thanks again. Please do subscribe. Don't keep me a secret.
I'll see you in another one reminding you to always stay sexy, stay classy, stay a little badass y. Thank you for listening to the libido lounge. Please don't keep me a secret. Please share this with your friends. You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.