Welcome to the libido lounge where we focus on all things love, lust, and libido. We believe that fabulous sex is important to health as exercise and good food. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode on the lounge. I am your host, libido expert, doctor Diane Mueller. And I'm really thrilled to introduce you today to my new friend, Christina Weber, who is a relationship and intimacy expert.
She has been in this field for so many years researching and studying matchmaking, love, authenticity, conscious relationships, and more. She has an amazing program called We Deepen, which we'll talk about a little bit, an amazing love club we'll talk about a little bit. And we're gonna jump in today to talk about what is a conscious relationship, how do we have them, really what is truly the highest definition of love, and a whole lot more. So welcome to the show, Christina.
So excited to have you today. Thank you. It's so good to have you. You did my show. Now I get to do your show. Exactly. Trade. So today, we're talking let's start, like, right jumping right in, starting about talking about these these four pillars of conscious relationship that you talk about. And I think this is super pivotal. Right?
Because when we're interest in entering a relationship or whether we've been in a long term relationship for a long time, so many times we just kind of start in it, and we're not even thinking about what we're wanting or what makes it making it what makes it good and all these different things. So can you break this down? Like, what is truly a conscious relationship? What does that mean to you? And then what are the makeups of that?
So there's a woman, Shelly Ballard, and she scripted these four pillars of a conscious relationship. I read them maybe, like, seven, eight years ago and have lived by them ever since. Even, you know, I talk about them from romantic relationships, but even in my friendships, my work relationships, they're pillars. And so these these four pillars are, number one, no attachment to outcome. Growth comes first.
So that doesn't mean that you don't have fantasies or dreams or wishes of what this relationship could become, what we could do together. Maybe the kids will have, the the marriage that one day we'll invite our friends to. But it means that you are more committed to growth than any specific outcome. And oftentimes, when we get into relationships, we can start to tweak ourselves, to mold ourself in the person that we believe the other person thinks that we should be.
And that starts to cut off life force energy, from the evolution of the connection, from the evolution of our connection to ourself. And so if you're if you're practicing this, no attachment to outcome growth comes first. It means that you're willing to have to hard conversations. They are willing to accept if this is not isn't the right person to be with anymore in this moment. And I often ask when when couples will come to me and and say, should we stay together or should we separate?
It's like, where's your growth? Is your growth to be together and to stay together into this relationship, or is your growth to actually go back out into the world and to make new connections? And, you know, the answer may be different and it might change, and so you're you're committing to that. Number two, all feelings are welcome and no internal process is condemned. So when we're pair bonding with another individual on whatever level, it's expected that you're gonna feel things.
You're gonna feel these emotions. You're gonna feel triggered. You're gonna feel upset. You're gonna feel sadness. And it's saying that these feelings, like you within your partner, it's that these feelings are welcome. Bring them. Tell me about your emotional journey. And that's where the vulnerability Brene Brown talks about vulnerability. I remember when I first heard about vulnerability, and I was like, okay. So I go on a date, and I tell him about my childhood traumas.
Sure. That could be a piece of it, but it's more in that real time, in the moment of what is happening in your emotional experience. And sometimes, you might not even know. You might not even know. I had a I had a personal experience with my partner, the other night where I just we were talking about something, and all of a sudden, the triggers the the conversation triggered something inside of me, and I started to cry. And and it was really hard to explain.
I I I couldn't verbalize in that moment what was happening to me, but I also wasn't running away from the tears in the past. I could've been, you know, oh, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. So all feelings are welcome. No internal process is condemned. That's even two of, like, you being with somebody and you and you're starting to see that their emotional response is happening that you welcome that into the space. Now brings it to number three, which is really important.
Both parties agree to own their own shit. So you can have these feelings, but you're not gonna blame the other person for your feelings. Our you know, relating is a free will experience. I've chosen to be here in this moment with you. So if we're if my feelings are rising, I'm not gonna go to you and be like, you did this and you did that and it's caused this and it's all your fault and and yada yada yada. And then we're getting into this, like, defensive criticism blame game.
It's more of explaining these feelings that we're having, but not blaming the other person for having those feelings. Both parties, again, are gonna own their own shit. And number four is that the relationship is a place to practice love. You know, love is, I'd love to go into, you know, the you know, we we didn't we didn't grow up where there's, one definition of love that we've all agreed to. And, and love is a verb. It's an it's an action oriented experience.
We're choosing to show up in love. I like to think of love as this process of removing layers of the ego. These things that are holding you back from being the highest version of yourself coupled with ever increasing acts of sharing. We give to who we love.
And so practicing that in relationship with another human being, whether they are your one, if you believe in there's a one, or whether that they're your friend, your sister, your mother, that you're practicing love and you're constantly asking yourself moment by moment, especially when the challenging moments arise, what would love do here? What what would love do in each moment?
So first of all, thank you for that foundation, and and we're gonna go into, I think, more around that definition of love in a moment. But I've been kinda taking notes as you're going just to clarify each point you brought up here. So we're talking about this right as the corner the foundations, the cornerstones of a conscious relationship.
So when we're talking about this attachment to outcome, right, you're the first cornerstone here, I'm curious, like, what do you feel about if we're saying, okay. Not having attachments to the outcome is the cornerstone. Where the conscious relationship to other attachments come in? K. Or, like, where do you feel about, like, other attachments? Is it are there places for other attachments? Are there not? Can you speak to that a little bit?
Well, it you know, we actually it's so interesting because there's a duality to it. We actually need to attach to each other to to to survive and to thrive. And sometimes that the attachment is actually stronger than the love. Like, we confuse attachment for love because it feels as though if I lose this person, I will die. Like, I would die if we come into life through another human being, and we feel that attachment to this other, you know, this other human is keeping us alive.
So the the the attachment is is that having no attachments is a spiritual practice that is in all aspects of our life that we're applying and playing in. I found it really interesting. There's a, a Peruvian tribe. There's a documentary. I'm blanking on the name of the documentary on the moment. But in the documentary, this woman, she goes and she does, you know, the the journey to discover herself, and she's interviewing, tribesmen in in Peru.
And he tells her that in this specific tribe that when the girls start to be 13, when they start to have their periods that they began in that moment teaching them on attachment. They tell the women that when you are falling in love with a man to be very delicate, to be very gentle with your heart, And they teach her that because that man is not gonna grow from your shoulder is what they say. He will either die or he will leave you for another woman. Now that's a start thing to hear.
Yeah. It's intense. Like, he's 13 years old. Right? Yeah. The man you love is either gonna die or go off to be with another woman, but they're starting to entrain her with this, you know, this practice of being unattached to the outcome. So we can have dreams. We can have desires. We can have fantasies, but then throwing them to the universe and letting them, you know, create and I I see it, you know, in dating.
My my work is in in the love love and dating, and and it's been a very personal journey for me. I got into this field about a decade ago because I wanted a epic relationship and a love story. And I thought, well, I'm gonna share that experience with others. I'm gonna help other people find it as I find it along the way. And I what I see often, this is my I've I've We Deep and I run a love club. We have 22 people at the time of this recording in our first cohort of the love club.
And what gets brought up is, you know, women in that late thirties, early forties where they have this I wanna be a mother. Like, I want to experience motherhood. And that attachment to being a mother is biologically inside of us. And so and when you're out dating, I, you know, I could feel this. I'm I'm about to turn 43. I could feel this in my early forties, and I actually went and sat with a hypnotist at one point. And I'm like, hypnotize this out of me.
I do not want to be dating and putting that in the forefront. And I yeah. It's something that you have to transmute because any relationship when you come into a relationship and you have this, like, I wanna get married. I wanna, you know, I I want to to to be a mother. I want to have these experiences. Like, you can cut yourself off from the the the the organic development of what happens between two individuals. Now you don't suppress your desires.
You do not let them know, but you're not driven by them. You're driven by the connection. So that's one typical attachment. You know? I I see also the other half of life of people over, I work with people in their love journey. You call it their intimacy journey over, you know, 55, 60, 70. And I can sense that they're they're like, I haven't had this one epic life partnership, and I don't I I want to experience this before I die. And so there's this other level of desire.
Now you can show up again for the desire, but having the attachment of then because then what happens is you're dating, you meet somebody and you're like, oh my god. It's finally it's them. And then really assessing what's possible between the the two, and then you end up in a relationship. They're like, fuck. How did I get here years later? Yeah. You're actually making me think. I'm reading this book right now, Journey of the Souls by Michael Newton.
I don't know if you've come across this book. I love this book. And one of the points that he's making in this book as he talks about things he's talking at this in the chapter I'm in right now on, like, soulmates. Right? So one of the things he's talking about is, like, we can we so many times as humans come into this world, and we have these natural, almost inclinations for something like that because of society or because of our programming or all these different things.
And perhaps from a growth standpoint, to bring it back to a word you've used a few times, maybe we're here, you know, some people on this earth not to have that, you know, that soulmate life, you know, life partner that's like the person, their person, it might not be part of their growth trajectory. And, like and so what does that mean, and how can we still live happy and fulfilling lives and still be engaged intimately in dating, you know, in those those scenarios.
So I'm thinking a lot about that. And and I wanna circle back also to this this your statement number two about all feelings are welcome. Because one of the things that I I was thinking about when you were talking about that was, well, what about the the concept of, like, validating other people's feelings? So all feelings are welcome. We're responsible for our own feelings. We're not gonna project our stuff on the other person.
But where do you do you feel like the the concept of validation of the another person's feelings and emotions, does that play into this conscious relationship theory at all, or is that not really part of it? Validating is is an important experience for sure for people to have. Now I think that when you're with another being, I use all types of typologies.
Typologies including human design, gene keys, about the, the erotic blueprints to, I've been really geeking out lately on the genetic energetics by the four answers. So I I use these systems when I'm personally relating or even within the love club as they're discovering themselves and discovering compatibility, with people that they're dating.
And I think that when you start to go through that process, you can start to it's a it's a it's a way to support two people teaching each other how they want to be treated. And that's real like, how like, when you step into a relationship, whether you directly ask the question, which I'm all for, directly ask them question, but teach me or or direct invite the other person to teach you how to love them. You know, there's so many ways that human beings can feel love.
It's number one is mainly through attention, oftentimes, you know, giving them presence and attention. But then the experience of love, you know, we live in an era right now. Kink is expanding and growing, and so there is a whole BDSM, culture out there. And for somebody who's really into the practice of BDSM, they may feel the greatest amount of love when you punish them or when you discipline them. So that might not be they might not want to feel validated. It's kinda contradictory.
That's why, you know, it's like, yes, we all like to feel validated in our own experience, and then it's like and then and then what else? Yeah. That's so wise. I I really appreciate, like, bringing up the uniqueness of that around. Like, that might be a really great way of expressing love for some people. And, you know, we have so many different ways of expressing love, and it might not be the way for other people. And and so I think that's such an important point.
I want I know we're getting getting close to our time today, so I wanna wrap up with my final question and and wondering then in our final question if we can kinda also bring this into the concept of what you do at We Deepen in in your love club. But the question I wanna come back to is the question around that I think everybody really wants to hear is how do you define love? Love is this process of removing layers of the ego.
These are the fears, the negativities, the things that are holding you back from being your most authentic self coupled with ever increasing acts of sharing because you give to who you love. And, you know, I wanna stress this authenticity piece, because when we say no attachment to outcome, growth comes first, and so you're not suppressing this this piece of yourself. It's really edgy to be fully authentic.
Like, that's really edgy to trust someone enough with what's happening inside of your internal process and not also attach meaning to it in the moment. Because that's the edge. It's like, if this person sees me cry right now, how will they interpret it, and what will they make it mean about me? And also being so authentic. I'll say, you know, the authenticity is is an important piece in this slowing down, actually.
I think, you know, we're so starved for connections sometimes that we will do anything to get into that connect that connection down. And I'll leave you with this. In my relationship, we went through an early dating process. And in that early dating process to slow it down so I could be authentic is I didn't have penetrative sex with him for nine months. And during that period of time, because I'm I was still questioning, like, do I wanna be a mother? What's, you know, what's happening?
So I would because I was I I let that, left that level of discernment. Like, can I can I say, is this we can talk about sex, obviously? Yes. Yes. Yes. That is what we do here. Okay. Great. I just you know, if you put your cock inside of me right now, I will suck up your sperm and impregnate myself. Yeah. And if like, that is the level of authenticity.
That is something scary to say, but because I left this space between for me to feel, like, that's that's also true if your love is this, you know, being authentic moment. So create and then design your environment so you can be that way. Like, if you're in toxic situations where toxic people are, how do you get out of there so you can be more of yourself? And that is love. Love life equals love.
It's this whole experience of love, and it's this individual journey that then we get to cocreate with those that we need along the way. It's such a beautiful story because I feel like it just really sums up so many of the things we've talked about today. Love and vulnerability and speaking your feelings, and your feelings are welcome, and the the authenticity, all of that, I think, is really wrapped up so beautifully into that story.
So, everybody, you can definitely should definitely check out Christina in her show notes here as far as how to get ahold of her and check out her love club and her work at We Deepen. And I know you mentioned you also have a giveaway you're gonna start giving out to people. Can you tell us about what that is? Do you know what it is yet? Oh, my giveaway?
Oh, you know, well, what we do is my my my giveaway this is gonna sound, if you're currently single, go ahead and apply and join the love club because you will get an interview, a face to face interview. If you go to some matchmaking sites and you, want to have this type of interview, oftentimes, you'll pay for that. This if you are a growth minded person so I do to to receive the gift, you have to give me the gift of being growth minded and open minded.
And then we sit together for twenty, thirty minutes, and we talk about your love life. And whether or not you join the love club, you will have this focused attention on what you are desiring to create in your life and how to enliven your intimacy journey. So it's more fulfilling. It's more joyful. It's more excitement. You get to go on this self discovery journey through that process, and we'll have a one on one conversation. Amazing. Amazing.
And you guys can find all of that in the show notes from today. And I also wanna encourage everybody. If you've loved this show, please do give us a review. Please share this with your friends. Please do download it. And one of the things that we're doing with everybody for the our top few people that got the most downloads from the interview is we're inviting them back for a longer session later in this year.
So if you love this, please, please, please share this with more people so that we invite your favorite people back for more. And thank you so much for being here with me today. It was just lovely, and I really look forward to when you and I cross paths again. Ditto. Me too. Thank you so much, Diane. Well, everybody, this concludes another episode for us.
This This is doctor Diane signing off here reminding you to always stay classy, always stay sexy, and always be a little badass y. See you next time. Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge. Please don't keep me a secret. Please share this with your friends. You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibido.com.